This summer I’ve had the beautiful privilege of getting to know Emily Wierenga and have thoroughly enjoyed the gift of her story told in her new book Atlas Girl. Emily is an award-winning journalist, blogger, commissioned artist and columnist, as well as the author of five books including her memoir, Atlas Girl: Finding Home in the Last Place I Thought to Look (Baker Books).
In celebration of Atlas Girl’s book release this week, I asked Emily to stop by and share some of her story with us {and she offered to give a few copies away too!}
by Emily T Wierenga
I tried to starve away my curves when I was nine years old.
I had my mother’s pear-shaped body, and I thought if I stopped eating maybe I could become small enough to slip into the lives of the other girls at school, the ones the boys stared at. I would douse myself with Exclamation perfume and spend my allowance on brand-name clothes and cry myself to sleep because I was starving.
And even though it got so bad that I was dying at thirteen, and hospitalized at sixty pounds, my hair falling out and my braces showing through the skin of my cheeks, I don’t know that any of us women is much different.
I don’t know that any of us isn’t hungry like this for love.
I wanted my Dad to stop preaching at the pulpit about a God I couldn’t see or taste or touch or feel. I wanted him to come and hold me, play with me, read me stories again like he used to when I was little, the scruff of his beard on my cheek, but life has a way of stealing your loved ones away from you and so I starved myself instead.
And when a friend of mine died when I was eight I hurt so bad it felt like my soul turned inside-out.
Because no one had told me you could love so hard only to lose.
So I spent my life trying not to feel because it ached too much when I did.
And then I met Jesus.
I met him after years of thinking I already had. I met him after years of calling myself a feminist and relapsing back into anorexia when I got married, after years of battling infertility and addiction to sleeping pills and drinking too much wine and never eating enough because part of me always wanted to feel hungry.
Because full isn’t safe. Full means you might start to feel comfortable, and then you might get hurt because nothing good lasts forever.
But that’s where I was wrong.
Because God is good and He lasts forever, and I met Him one day when I was twenty eight and pregnant. I was standing in worship, closing my eyes, and I saw myself as a little girl in heaven. I was wearing a white dress and running to Jesus who looked a lot like a shepherd in one of those children’s paintings.
And Jesus picked up that little girl and he spun her around and then he held her close and said, “Emily Theresa Wierenga, do you know that I love you? I love your feet, I love your knees, I love your legs, I love your arms, I love your head, I love your hair, I love you.”
And sister? He’s saying this to you too. He sees you, the little girl in you—the one who once believed she could swing so high she could touch God, who now struggles to believe He even exists. And He loves you.
Jesus offers a kind of food that will never perish. A love that will never leave you hungry.
He provided the loaves and fishes for 5,000, with twelve baskets leftover. Some would call that a waste; I call it extravagance. He’s the Savior at the well, telling the woman about a kind of feast that will never end—with living water, and living bread. Food that will fill us up forever.
So, I’m eating again.
I’m eating, and I’m no longer scared of getting full.
Emily lives in Alberta, Canada with her husband and two sons. Her memoir, ATLAS GIRL, releases this week and she is graciously giving away 3 copies here! All you need to do is leave a comment under today’s post to enter the drawing! {If you’re reading this via email, click here and return to my blog to ENTER TO WIN.}
From the Back Cover
“Disillusioned and yearning for freedom, Emily Wierenga left home at age eighteen with no intention of ever returning. Broken down by organized religion, a childhood battle with anorexia, and her parents’ rigidity, she set out to find God somewhere else–anywhere else. Her travels took her across Canada, Central America, the United States, the Middle East, Asia, and Australia. She had no idea that her faith was waiting for her the whole time–in the place she least expected it.
“Poignant and passionate, Atlas Girl is a very personal story of a universal yearning for home and the assurance that we are known, forgiven, and beloved. Readers will find in this memoir a true description of living faith as a two-way pursuit in a world fraught with distraction. Anyone who wrestles with the brokenness we find in the world will love this emotional journey into the arms of the God who heals all wounds.”
Click HERE for a free excerpt from Atlas Girl. Emily is also giving away a FREE e-book to anyone who orders Atlas Girl this week. Just order HERE, and send a receipt to: [email protected], and you’ll receive A House That God Built: 7 Essentials to Writing Inspirational Memoir — an absolutely FREE e-book co-authored by Emily and editor/memoir teacher Mick Silva.
ALL proceeds from Atlas Girl will go to Emily’s non-profit, The Lulu Tree.
The Lulu Tree is dedicated to preventing tomorrow’s orphans by equipping today’s mothers. It is a grassroots organization bringing healing and hope to women and children in the slums of Uganda through the arts, community, and the gospel. Find our more and connect with Emily on her blog at www.emilywierenga.com, or find her on Twitter and Facebook.
But remember, before you leave, be sure and ENTER TO WIN!
Just leave a comment below.
Sounds like a wonderful book that many women like myself should read whether we suffer from anorexia or not.
To feel that God loves me … what a treasure. I know it in my head but am having trouble feeling it when life can be so lonely.
I’m so glad I read this, and obviously this is touch many other women. I’m so excited to see that. I commend you for giving the profits to charity. I love to see that thank you. I hope it helps many! And the blessings come back to you and your family a thousand fold! That’s a sincere prayer. I hope that God intends for me to read this book, it feels like a fit!
Blessings,
Kelly
Wow. I’m 50 years old and you just described my life. I need this book. I’m scared to eat. All the time. And I’m tired of it.
Wow what a story and this would be a book to read!!!
Terri Marsh, I couldn’t agree more. I feel so unworthy of God’s love in fact of any ones love. I am always searching for the fulfillment in my heart but I don’t let God fill me up. Sometimes I feel so very alone and I am not alone at all. The enemy sure does know our weakness’ and he loves to take your mind back to it. I am a fighter and will continue to try and open up my heart for my Lord and Savior. Love seeing so many women longing for Jesus.
So many of us have feelings of being unloved, unwanted, undesirable, abandoned…and we feel alone with it. It always surprises me to read when other gals write about that too- and yet, it shouldn’t. We just LIVE so deep in our own stuff that we get covered up with the darkness and desolation of it to realize that we are NOT ALONE! Wonderful, always, to read and hear of the break through times! Our challenges are so EVERYDAY because the evil one KNOWS our weaknesses and seeks to puncture our hopes and dreams! So, YAY for our HUGE sisterhood in Jesus!!
I cried when I saw the picture…It is me…. Just waiting on God to bring me someone to love me….Not understanding why no one does but trusting in God to give me flesh and bones to love……Telling Jesus everyday I still trust in You!!!
Thank you for sharing this with us. I feel this book is a must read and look forward to it!
I would love to read this book, rather it be by me winning it or purchashing it from you. I am excited to see what God has placed in your heart to write.
My dad was also in ministry – and I missed him. I really look forward to reading your book, Emily. Thanks so much for sharing your life with the us, too.
What a captivating story! I would love to read this book. We yearn for love and along the way become so hurt and disillusioned. Thank you for reminding us that we have a daddy who loves us NO MATTER WHAT!
I can relate to this. I would love to read her story.
This sounds like a fabulous book!
Emily, it is funny that you used to swing high to touch God because that is something that I used to do also. I so desperately wanted to reach Him that my mother was afraid that I would swing totally around the entire swing top! I would love to read to read your new book! Thank you for sharing it with us!
I haven’t heard of this author, but would love to read her new book! I’m searching to find that love of God. My head just won’t get through to my heart.
I am looking forward to this one!
Thanks for sharing your story. I would love a copy of your book to share with a friend who has had similar struggles.
Amazing! Thank you for sharing about Emily. I recently had an Aha moment when I also found myself thinking that all good things come to an end. I can relate to her story. Thank you. I enjoy reading stories like Emily’s and would love to own her book.
I would love to own a copy of Atlas Girl!
I have tears in my eyes from reading this blog. Wow! What a powerful story to share. Thank you!
This sounds like a wonderful book! I can’t wait to read it.
Wow, this book description has touched my heart so deeply. I can see how the Holy Spirit is using this book and Emily’s story to speak truth to so many women! I have a similar past filled with pain and the “good girl on the outside looking for love for a broken soul inside” and the way you described dousing yourself with exclaim perfume struck a chord since I did the exact same ritual…along with neon pink lipstick and blue mascara. Now I’m made whole in Jesus! All glory to him and I’m relying on Him and his truth as I raise two beautiful daughters ( ages 8,7)
Can’t wait to read this book and share it with my circle of women who love Jesus! Thank you for sharing your story Emily!
Oh my. Sitting here in tears. I’m still busy trying to fill up on things that are fleeting. Wanting to feel that love she talks about. Would love to read about her journey. Thanks for sharing.
Emily’s story brought tears to my eyes! I too was anorexic when I was younger, when I was a happily married wife of 3 years; suddenly everything seemed too good to last and I was scared of everything and nothing. A counselor helped me to overcome my feelings, and soon afterwards I got pregnant with my beautiful daughter. Six months along, after studying the Bible with my wonderful husband, I developed a real, deep, lasting love with the Savior I thought I had always known. God is so good; so many trials have happened since then, but He is still here, still loving, always.
I enjoyed the story that you wrote regarding how you were uncomfortable with yourself and felt you were inadequate and to try and make yourself the person you thought you should be you ended up starving yourself and almost dying.
. I came to know Jesus after a failed marriage of almost 19 years. I felt as you did, ugly, unloved, a failure and certainly someone no one would ever want to love. But I did eventually realize that Jesus loved me and that freed me and I for the firsts time I felt good about myself. I felt like I had failed as a wife, mother, was so unlovable that no one could or would ever want to know me or care about me.
It happened when I realized I did not need a man in my life to make me feel real, whole and special. So, I decided to pray daily to Jesus and asked Him to be the” Man in My Life”. That is when I realized He loved me already just as I was and was the only one I needed to fell whole, complete and loved.
Jesus saved me from a life of sadness, despair and wanting not to live if I would never have a home, a family the life I thought I had to have to be a real woman, a real person. He told me He loved me and was all I ever needed. That is when I gave my life to Him totally and completely. I will never forget how wonderful and loved and so special I felt for the very first time in my life. I will l never forget that day. Thanks for sharing your feelings, how lost, ugly and alone you felt. I cannot wait to find one of your books and read more of your thoughts and feelings.
A Sister in Jesus Precious Name, Mary Kaiser
Her story really struck a chord with me. I would love to read her book.
I can so relate to Emily’s story!! I am still searching for where to find the love that I so want to have.I believe that it is so much easier for me to love than to receive love…I am not good enough to be loved by others. After reading this post I felt a spark of hope and pray that I can learn from this book that I am deserving of the love of others, especially my Heavenly Father! Thank you for writing your testimony Emily. I am positive that many will be blessed by it!
Thank you Jesus for using Emily to share your amazing promise of unconditional, forever love and acceptance!
Love that she is giving the proceeds of this book to her charity. If I do win, I’ll buy another copy to give away. Sounds like a great, inspirational read and a way to support a great cause.
“the one who once believed she could swing so high she could touch God, who now struggles to believe He even exist.”
Yes, this. And in reading that, the weight of all the sadness I’ve been carrying feels excruciatingly heavy. Yet I cling to the chains of that swing holding onto the last ounce of hope that someday, I will finally reach Him.
I would love to read Emily’s book!
Thank you for the opportunity to win a copy of this enthralling story! I can’t wait to read it!
I can’t wait to read her story!
Emily’s post took me right back to my teenage self…broken, searching for love in every wrong place. I’m still learning to see our Heavenly Father as my Daddy that loves me as she describes. I would love to read her story.
Thank you for sharing her story and for the chance to win a copy of the book.
Wow what an inspiring story! Would love to read ☺
I never knew what God could do for me. In 1985 I divorce and my ex husband bribe them to live with him. He was military with money. I had a job paying $450.00 per month. My oldest son passed away due to some comlications from a military accident. It was 3 years after this that I found oue he had passed. My other children do not have a relationship with me. I do not know if they have God in thier lives. Sinceknow God since 2010 I have live to love God and being a better person for my relationship with hin,God Bless
I would love to read this book. The excerpt has really caught my attention.
Reading this post brought tears to my eyes for the little girl in all of us who longs to be truly loved and accepted. but maybe was rejected and never found what we longed for unti we met Christ and had a face to face moment that changes everything! So hope to win this book and share in her journey.
Emily, thank you for sharing your story. I don’t know of 1 woman who doesn’t hurt and wonder if God has turned His head away. Your story touches my heart, we have a friend of the family who has battled with anoxeria for 30 years. The sadness it has causes her parents and children is overwhelming. If I am chosen to receive your book, I would share it with them, to give them hope and love for a wonderful God who is holding their daughter in His arms.
I stopped loving & letting anyone love me when I was 8 and lost my Nanny (GM) i would not allow that kind of pain in my life again. Got mad at God & didnt look back till I was 39. needless to say my marriage & children have suffered and even though I have spent the last 18 yrs. trying to make up for all the damage done by this broken soul I still dont know how to love or be loved by God or anyone else. its been a very difficult journey but I know a God who has this in the palm of His hand & one day I will be delivered from the chains that bind my heart. This has been my prayer since I found Jesus & will continue to be until my dleiverance. Emily brought tears to my eyes & I’m not a crying kind of girl : )
Daddy’s are the first men a little girl falls in love with. His interaction and acceptance of her makes such differences in her life as an adult! I was the opposite, a little girl who ate too much, and as the oldest, had many pressure put on me to the smartest, more “normal” looking to fit in, etc. When I went into therapy as a young adult, my father told my mother, “It will be all my fault.” But it wasn’t. I had to learn to be a stronger person in who I was, and that took some time. In my 50’s now, I am comfortable in my own skin, but work hard to eat right, wear sunscreen, etc. for the right reasons. I want to be happy and healthy as long as possible, not just because it is fashionable to do so. Emily is new to me, but I feel her pain, as the world’s realities are sometimes raindrops, and fairytales do not always come true. I would be proud if selected to receive her book! Thank you!!!
oh Darlene, I feel your pain too sister! So grateful we’ve both met a Father who will never let us down… Bless you, e.
Powerfully touching…..
Thank you for sharing.
This sounds like a wonderful story. I too ache and feel unloved and do the opposite of Emily, I try to fill up that void. I’ve tried to fill it up my whole life with food and at various times in my life with other destructive things, to no avail. I am in the process, after being a Christian for the majority of my life, of learning to get all I need and require from Jesus alone!! Thanks for this opportunity!
oh Elena, I’m still in that process too… it’s a journey. Walking alongside you sister. You are not alone! Bless you, e.
Sounds like an amazing journey to discover a deep relationship with God. Can’t wait to read the book!
God’s grace is so amazing…..So thankful for His working .
“…a God I couldn’t see or taste or touch or feel.” or hear. This is where I am at. My life was shattered 7.5 years ago and the tiny remaining pieces of my heart have been continually ground into the dirt until there is not even dust left. And still God remains silent. A God I can’t see or taste or touch or feel. The end of my rope was 3 years ago and I long ago could not absorb another blow but they have kept coming.
oh no, Lyn. oh friend. I’m going to spend some time in prayer for you today. Begging Abba to remember he promised not to let a bruised reed break… oh Father, hear our prayers… I lift up my friend Lyn to you. Be so very, very near.
Lyn,
I can’t promise to know what you are going through. I do understand when you say how the blows can keep coming, even though our actual circumstances may be very different. Just like Emily’s words impacted each of us, in my case I did not struggle with anorexia, and your case may be different also.
As someone who struggles with receiving the Father’s love, I am the last person who should say to you, ” He loves you no matter what, Lyn.” He does. Beyond comprehension. I have trouble saying it to myself, trouble holding onto that hope, especially at times when it seems he is silent or distant. And thankfully, he loves me even in those times. And he loves you even in those times, too.
Joining with those here, the seen and the unseen, who are lifting you up in prayer.
Would love a copy of her book! Started with relating with the little girl on the swing and starving myself to gain the perfect body. Thank you for posting her story!
oh Sheree, may you continue to re-connect with that little girl on the swing… bless you friend. e.
God is so wonderful, he will supply all our needs according to His riches in glory. I am a 76 year old wife, Mother of five and grandmother of seven. I was born to parents an only child and my Grandmother raised me from a baby. I loved my parents and I believe they loved me but I longed for them to show their love as my Grandma did. I did not travel the path of dealing with my weight until I was in my sixties . My husband became very ill and eight years ago his doctors said he would live only two days, Praise God his is still here and God’s Love, grace and mercy has carried us this far. I have daughters that have or may have experienced some of the struggles that I was reading today and I would like to read and share with them and even my granddaughters. I am not familiar with Emily’s work, but I would like to become more familiar. Faith in God has taken me across many hurdles and as I write my mother is in Hospice and another family member also, There is non greater than God and He has promised never to leave us or forsake us. I’m standing on his promises. Keep up your good works Emly
oh Burdell, what a testimony! I love the joy i hear in your voice in spite of everything you’ve been through. may you continue to know how loved you are, friend. Bless you! e.