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Renee Swope

Encouraging and equipping moms to parent with God's grace and confidence.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T…that is what he needs from me!

Okay, we’re gonna get real here today! I have an embarrassing confession to make: When JJ and I got married 15 years ago, I took out the words “honor and obey” from my marriage vows. While I’m confessing, you should also know I didn’t say I would submit to my husband either. I said I would “submit my ideas and dreams” to my husband and trust God’s leadership in our marriage. I was a baby Christian, but mainly I was measuring my words to make sure God and my witnesses didn’t catch me in a lie.

Oh, I had some serious issues going into marriage (and sometimes still do). Boy has God done a work on me though. Like many women, I was terrified that if I submitted to my husband I’d become a doormat and lose myself somewhere in the middle of letting my husband lead. I regretfully remember one time JJ told me it was easier to let me lead because it wasn’t worth the argument to him.

You’d think that’s what I wanted – to get my way. But it wasn’t what I wanted because JJ became apathetic. Soon I realized I was losing respect for my husband and it was mostly my fault. I wanted him to lead, but when he tried I’d often criticize how he led. It was a mess.

One day I was praying God would change JJ and make him more decisive, more confident, more protective and well, just more what I wanted him to be. God strongly impressed on my heart that my criticism wasn’t getting me any closer to my desired result. In fact, my frustration with JJ only contributed to the condemnation of his own insecurities and doubts as a man. (You know they have doubts, too). God also showed me I was fueling Satan’s flaming darts aimed at my husband’s heart. Here I was joining forces with the one who wanted to take out JJ as the leader of our home.

Through prayer, God showed me that my husband needed me to be his greatest cheerleader, his biggest supporter and to use the power of my words to build up and not tear down my man. He wanted me to keep my mouth closed when JJ was doing something I didn’t like or leading in a way I didn’t want to follow. He wanted me to be verbally, emotionally and spiritually encouraging when I saw things I appreciated. I was to find things I respected about JJ and let God take care of things I didn’t.

I started doing what God told me. I looked for and found things in JJ that I’d never really noticed before; I discovered things that were worthy of respect. It all started over 10 years ago. We’ve been through so much together now, and followed many of his decisions that scared me: job changes I didn’t want him to make; financial investments that seemed too risky; parenting issues that were hard.

I can say with joy that my husband is now the leader of our home. It’s taken commitment and many choices to honor him in big and small ways. And although he isn’t perfect, he’s more the man I dreamed of marrying than I ever hoped he’d be!

As I promised in my P31 devotion today, I wanted to share some practical ways we can honor our husbands and strengthen our marriages:

  • Tell your husband that you believe in him!
  • Don’t point out his mistakes, just fill in the gap.
  • Ask God to show you ways to serve your husband.
  • Don’t ever say “I told you so.”
  • Say “I’m sorry” and mean it when you dishonor him.
  • Say “I forgive you” and mean it when he dishonors or hurts you.
  • Tell your husband that you thank God for giving him to you (and be sure you do).
  • Let him overhear you telling someone something you appreciate about him.
  • Support and encourage his decisions.
  • Praise him when his decisions turn out well and encourage him when they don’t.
  • Tell you husband each day about one thing you are thankful for – about his character, his work ethic, his provision, his humor or something his adds to your family.
  • Pray for your husband every day.

Several of these ideas came from my friend Melanie Chitwood’s book, “What a Husband Needs from His Wife.”

For a chance to win this great marriage book, filled with insights, encouraging ideas and powerful stories, enter my drawing by clicking on the word “comments” below. Then type your name and email address (so I can notify you if you win) in the white box. Choose anonymous if you want to be – just come back to see if you won. I’ll announce the winner on Friday. And I’d love to know is if you have any embarrassing or fun marriage stories to tell. If not, what is one thing that makes your husband feel honored? Be sure to ask him if you don’t know the answer.

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Comments

  2. I’m so glad I read my devotional today. I think I’ve been looking for these words for some time, now. I would love to win the book.

    Thank you,
    Lisa Christensen
    [email protected]

  3. Hi Renee. What a point you have made to me today! My husband and I have been trying so hard to get our marriage on the right track after so many years of hurtful words and attitudes on both our parts (for 37 years). We were making great progress, then a couple nights ago I lost my temper about something that made me feel disrespected. I blasted him without thinking. Later I regretted it, but the damage was done. I undid so much that we had gotten accomplished. I don’t know why I have developed such a quick temper these last few years. I would love to win this book and learn from it.

  4. I really needed to read this today sometimes I forget to honor my husband and seeing this reminded me of all the wonderful things about him and what he does for his family.
    Thank you.

    [email protected]

  9. Your blog today really hit home with me. I have a wonderful husband and I need to honor him more. Thank you for the reminders!

    I’d love to win the book!

    Vanessa Wellington
    [email protected]

  10. Renee,
    Thank you for sharing your experience. Several years ago after yet another one of my ‘I’m just trying to help’ comments my husband asked “Why do you always have to be so critical of me?” Talk about bringing me up short! I can’t say that I immediately stopped trying to be helpful or taking the lead, but that remark gave me the insight I needed to see what my words were doing to my husband. As a woman who loves to be in control it is not always easy to keep my mouth shut and accept his decisions but it sure makes our home happier and my husband more confident of his role as head of our home when I do. I am a work in progress for sure!
    Blessings on your day,
    Molly ([email protected])

  12. I love you message today. As I was reading it I was thinking of all my married friends I could send it to. Wonderful words! Thanks!

    What honors my husband? He loves a clean house which is my biggest weakness. I am trying really hard.

    Wendi – [email protected]

  14. wow…did I ever need to hear THAT. I’m a military spouse and mother of six. Four of our children were adopted at various ages between birth and 8 years.

    My husband is a hard-core military man with a soldier’s mentality. He wants our five sons to be tough like men, and yet, so often I feel that he misses so many opportunities to show them the softer side of manhood.

    My husband is a GREAT provider, but he’s hardly “hands-on”. That means I’m the one who is always taking them under my wing to do what I do best….baking cookies, making crafts, etc. I surely dont go out in the yard and play football.

    I’m often frustrated that my husband doesnt get more involved in their daily activities, especially since he’s often gone for exteneded periods of time. I feel anger at my husband and resent that I’m the one left holding the bag.

    TOday’s message reminded me, however, to celebrate the many things my husband DOES get, and not to focus so much on what doesnt meet my expectations. If I focus on the negative, we all lose.

    thanks, beth

  15. Ugh! It’s me, not my husband that needs work:) I too have been praying for God to go to work in my husband. I guess reading this today is God’s way of saying “You’re not helping” nicely. This isn’t what I wanted to hear, but it’s definately what I needed to hear. I need to RESPECT him in EVERYTHING. It’s amazing the fog that has cleared from my heart and mind after this blog. I’m going to start today to honor and respect him more. Thank you for this. Now I’m looking forward to a wonderful marriage instead of just an average one!
    Christ’s love
    Heidi
    [email protected]

  16. Thank you so much for your encouraging words. God has really used this to open my eyes to what I have been doing. I have often done the same thing – praying for God to change my husband to be leader of our home – MY WAY. I want to submit and have him be the leader of our home, but then I don’t trust him (or Him) enough when he does make a decision and then try to change it or pray for God to change his heart.

    It looks like that book could really help us – thanks for introducing me to it.

    Julie Hull
    [email protected]

  17. Hey Renee,

    That was amazing,every woman needs to hear this encouragement! Praise God!!! Being a respectful and submissive wife can be incredibly hard at times. I am currently reading and trying to do the Love Dare, and this is bascially what the book says. Love is such a confusing subject. It’s awesome, but confusing.
    Thanks for your daily devotions. I love and appreciate you all very much!
    Just what the doctor ordered, or should I say what our Lord ordered!!!
    Kerri from Kentucky

  18. Ruth
    [email protected]

    Hi Renee,
    I love this blog. I have been trying to find ways to honor my husband and just make him feel loved.
    I would love to win this book.

    Thank you for your honesty sharing your life with us so we can learn and be blessed.
    Blessings to you and your family.
    Ruth

  19. Hi Renee:

    Your devotional today caused a loud “OUCH!” to come out of my mouth. I realized that I have been choosing how I will respect my husband, which is so different from what he needs from me and how God wants me to behave as his wife. I confess right now to the sin of selective hearing. Thank you for your honesty and suggestions.
    I would love that book!

    Blessings –
    Leian in Salt Lake
    [email protected]

  20. How funny! To see R-E-S-P-E-C-T at the title of today’s blog. I came over from the P31 devotional. That is something I’m trying to understand. My husband made a comment to me about not respecting him and I had to ask him what he meant. I guess there are times he feels that I’m not respecting him and I’m feeling misunderstood. This is something I’m trying to learn more about and understand better.
    Thank you for today’s devo and tips. Quite helpful!
    Pam
    [email protected]