Okay, we’re gonna get real here today! I have an embarrassing confession to make: When JJ and I got married 15 years ago, I took out the words “honor and obey” from my marriage vows. While I’m confessing, you should also know I didn’t say I would submit to my husband either. I said I would “submit my ideas and dreams” to my husband and trust God’s leadership in our marriage. I was a baby Christian, but mainly I was measuring my words to make sure God and my witnesses didn’t catch me in a lie.
Oh, I had some serious issues going into marriage (and sometimes still do). Boy has God done a work on me though. Like many women, I was terrified that if I submitted to my husband I’d become a doormat and lose myself somewhere in the middle of letting my husband lead. I regretfully remember one time JJ told me it was easier to let me lead because it wasn’t worth the argument to him.
You’d think that’s what I wanted – to get my way. But it wasn’t what I wanted because JJ became apathetic. Soon I realized I was losing respect for my husband and it was mostly my fault. I wanted him to lead, but when he tried I’d often criticize how he led. It was a mess.
One day I was praying God would change JJ and make him more decisive, more confident, more protective and well, just more what I wanted him to be. God strongly impressed on my heart that my criticism wasn’t getting me any closer to my desired result. In fact, my frustration with JJ only contributed to the condemnation of his own insecurities and doubts as a man. (You know they have doubts, too). God also showed me I was fueling Satan’s flaming darts aimed at my husband’s heart. Here I was joining forces with the one who wanted to take out JJ as the leader of our home.
Through prayer, God showed me that my husband needed me to be his greatest cheerleader, his biggest supporter and to use the power of my words to build up and not tear down my man. He wanted me to keep my mouth closed when JJ was doing something I didn’t like or leading in a way I didn’t want to follow. He wanted me to be verbally, emotionally and spiritually encouraging when I saw things I appreciated. I was to find things I respected about JJ and let God take care of things I didn’t.
I started doing what God told me. I looked for and found things in JJ that I’d never really noticed before; I discovered things that were worthy of respect. It all started over 10 years ago. We’ve been through so much together now, and followed many of his decisions that scared me: job changes I didn’t want him to make; financial investments that seemed too risky; parenting issues that were hard.
I can say with joy that my husband is now the leader of our home. It’s taken commitment and many choices to honor him in big and small ways. And although he isn’t perfect, he’s more the man I dreamed of marrying than I ever hoped he’d be!
As I promised in my P31 devotion today, I wanted to share some practical ways we can honor our husbands and strengthen our marriages:
- Tell your husband that you believe in him!
- Don’t point out his mistakes, just fill in the gap.
- Ask God to show you ways to serve your husband.
- Don’t ever say “I told you so.”
- Say “I’m sorry” and mean it when you dishonor him.
- Say “I forgive you” and mean it when he dishonors or hurts you.
- Tell your husband that you thank God for giving him to you (and be sure you do).
- Let him overhear you telling someone something you appreciate about him.
- Support and encourage his decisions.
- Praise him when his decisions turn out well and encourage him when they don’t.
- Tell you husband each day about one thing you are thankful for – about his character, his work ethic, his provision, his humor or something his adds to your family.
- Pray for your husband every day.
Several of these ideas came from my friend Melanie Chitwood’s book, “What a Husband Needs from His Wife.”
For a chance to win this great marriage book, filled with insights, encouraging ideas and powerful stories, enter my drawing by clicking on the word “comments” below. Then type your name and email address (so I can notify you if you win) in the white box. Choose anonymous if you want to be – just come back to see if you won. I’ll announce the winner on Friday. And I’d love to know is if you have any embarrassing or fun marriage stories to tell. If not, what is one thing that makes your husband feel honored? Be sure to ask him if you don’t know the answer.
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Renee, your devotion and post really touched my heart. I didn’t submit to my husband during the first years of our marriage, and my reasons mirrored yours. When I really began praying for the Lord to change him, God led me to pray that I would be the one to change. Day by day, my eyes were opened to see that the man I was to honor didn’t need much changing at all – it was my attitude that needing adjusting. We had a blended family and that made it more difficult. As I began to change, Steve’s eyes were opened to the kind of leadership I desired in our home, and oh, did he lead – and very well! Submitting to him and honoring him seem to be synonymous for me. I remember the first time he asked my opinion on something and instead of giving it to him, I told him that I trusted him 100% to make the decision that needed to be made and I would support him 110%. He asked me if I had a twin and if this was a trick! LOL!
Your thoughts are so insightful! I plan to put them into action in my marriage- Thanks Teri Etheredge
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Oh my gracious…I just say that you’ve given me so much joy today visiting your blog (I still don’t know what blog means…) I get emails from P31 everyday and thought I would read this one through. Girl…I was blessed. Thanks!
I’ve been working on encouraging and building up my husband.. its not easy since I used to be (and still am sometimes) a critical person. I’ve also been working on being more submissive and honoring him.
Thanks so much for your blog today!
Ilana Lunn
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Thanks so much, Renee
Debbie
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Hi Renee,
I just wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Sure would love to win the book as well.
Jodie Wolfe
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Blessings,
Pearls
Wow, this column really hit so many of us. There are so many great comments here today. As I read it I thought about how my Mom treated my Dad like he was an idiot, and I did the same with my husband. We had four years of hell, and then our marriage was transformed by the grace of God, as my husband gave his life to Christ and I got off the fence finally. I quickly learned that: 1) my husband was smart and capable, 2) if I let him, he would make good decisions, 3) he was aware of his mistakes and would make the needed changes, I didn’t need to make him feel worse. As he started being the “man of the house” – things ran smoother, I relaxed and stopped being an anxious nagging wife, my fears didn’t transpire, and he made good and right decisions about things. I found out, that he is RIGHT 99% of the time. I stopped getting my way, and I got MY MAN. We are going on 13 years now, and I can always use a reminder to love and honor him more. Thank you.
thanks for your words of truth!
Shelley (MI)
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What a great message for me today. My husband and I are currently looking into the face of divorce. Maybe this book is just what we need most!
Amy O.
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This is my first time reading your blog & I have added you to my favorites listing!! This is a great tool for wives & marriages!! My husband & I do Pre-marital Counseling at our church & I feel this info would be very helpful to women entering into marriage!! God bless your ministry!!
I would love to win this book!!!
Sophia Amasol
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Praise God for this devotion. It truly touched my heart and encourages me to be the wife God would have me be, a Proverbs 31 woman. Every once and a while, we need to be reminded to watch our words, thoughts and actions toward our husbands. I can totally relate with my “tone of voice”.
May God Bless you:)
Thanks for the devo. and blog. I’d love to win the book. Thanks
Heather
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Hi,
This really hit home with me today. God has been dealing with me in this exact area for a while now. I will do well for a while and then blow it completely and then find it very hard to get back to doing what I am supposed to do. I think that is the Enemies way, to try to keep you down when you fall. Anyway, thanks for putting this “in my face” again, as I really needed it. It is also good to know that I am not alone. Thanks for sharing your heart and life with us. You have no idea what God is doing through you.
Amber Jackson
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Not much I can say that everyone else has not. It is so difficult to die to ones self. Thank you for your encouragement.
Margaret, TX
Teresa Smith
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Thanks for the encouraging words you have and are sharing with us to inpsire, lift up and encourage our husbands.
Hello sweet sister Renee,
I’m sorry I’ve not visited in a while, but better late than never! First, I’d like to thank you for your kind comment on my blog. It was a JOY to interview you and get to know you better.
Second I LOVE this post as teaching biblical submission is my passion and you’ll find this funny, but has been for 10 years! Can you believe the timing?
What you shared here is actually in the study God has called me to write. If you’re interested, it’s found in WEEK #2.
Thank you for being so “real” with us…that’s just ONE of the things I love about you! 🙂
Sure do love you sister,
Sunny
The more I thought I was “helping” my husband with my advice, the worse our family dynamics became. Trying to juggle a blended family was a huge job and my distespe tful attitude didn’t help at all. God intended for the husband to me the leader–it doesn’t work any other way!! It took 10 years to figure this out-I’m glad we did!
My husband is not saved amd he is a hard man to live with. I love him and I praise God for him not to stop me from going to church. I long to fellowship with him. I am praying for his salvation.
Thank you for your blog. What you wrote today hits right at home for me. I’ve been seeing this in my marriage, but have been having a hard time giving up my control. Thank you for your encouragement. I’ll be coming back for more!
Dana Hepler
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Thank you so much for sharing your heart in this article! It is very encouraging and timely….just like God to provide what we need to see and hear! I think this book looks great and I know my family would be blessed by receiving it!
God bless you and your ministry!
Jennifer [email protected]