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Renee Swope

Encouraging and equipping moms to parent with God's grace and confidence.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T…that is what he needs from me!

Okay, we’re gonna get real here today! I have an embarrassing confession to make: When JJ and I got married 15 years ago, I took out the words “honor and obey” from my marriage vows. While I’m confessing, you should also know I didn’t say I would submit to my husband either. I said I would “submit my ideas and dreams” to my husband and trust God’s leadership in our marriage. I was a baby Christian, but mainly I was measuring my words to make sure God and my witnesses didn’t catch me in a lie.

Oh, I had some serious issues going into marriage (and sometimes still do). Boy has God done a work on me though. Like many women, I was terrified that if I submitted to my husband I’d become a doormat and lose myself somewhere in the middle of letting my husband lead. I regretfully remember one time JJ told me it was easier to let me lead because it wasn’t worth the argument to him.

You’d think that’s what I wanted – to get my way. But it wasn’t what I wanted because JJ became apathetic. Soon I realized I was losing respect for my husband and it was mostly my fault. I wanted him to lead, but when he tried I’d often criticize how he led. It was a mess.

One day I was praying God would change JJ and make him more decisive, more confident, more protective and well, just more what I wanted him to be. God strongly impressed on my heart that my criticism wasn’t getting me any closer to my desired result. In fact, my frustration with JJ only contributed to the condemnation of his own insecurities and doubts as a man. (You know they have doubts, too). God also showed me I was fueling Satan’s flaming darts aimed at my husband’s heart. Here I was joining forces with the one who wanted to take out JJ as the leader of our home.

Through prayer, God showed me that my husband needed me to be his greatest cheerleader, his biggest supporter and to use the power of my words to build up and not tear down my man. He wanted me to keep my mouth closed when JJ was doing something I didn’t like or leading in a way I didn’t want to follow. He wanted me to be verbally, emotionally and spiritually encouraging when I saw things I appreciated. I was to find things I respected about JJ and let God take care of things I didn’t.

I started doing what God told me. I looked for and found things in JJ that I’d never really noticed before; I discovered things that were worthy of respect. It all started over 10 years ago. We’ve been through so much together now, and followed many of his decisions that scared me: job changes I didn’t want him to make; financial investments that seemed too risky; parenting issues that were hard.

I can say with joy that my husband is now the leader of our home. It’s taken commitment and many choices to honor him in big and small ways. And although he isn’t perfect, he’s more the man I dreamed of marrying than I ever hoped he’d be!

As I promised in my P31 devotion today, I wanted to share some practical ways we can honor our husbands and strengthen our marriages:

  • Tell your husband that you believe in him!
  • Don’t point out his mistakes, just fill in the gap.
  • Ask God to show you ways to serve your husband.
  • Don’t ever say “I told you so.”
  • Say “I’m sorry” and mean it when you dishonor him.
  • Say “I forgive you” and mean it when he dishonors or hurts you.
  • Tell your husband that you thank God for giving him to you (and be sure you do).
  • Let him overhear you telling someone something you appreciate about him.
  • Support and encourage his decisions.
  • Praise him when his decisions turn out well and encourage him when they don’t.
  • Tell you husband each day about one thing you are thankful for – about his character, his work ethic, his provision, his humor or something his adds to your family.
  • Pray for your husband every day.

Several of these ideas came from my friend Melanie Chitwood’s book, “What a Husband Needs from His Wife.”

For a chance to win this great marriage book, filled with insights, encouraging ideas and powerful stories, enter my drawing by clicking on the word “comments” below. Then type your name and email address (so I can notify you if you win) in the white box. Choose anonymous if you want to be – just come back to see if you won. I’ll announce the winner on Friday. And I’d love to know is if you have any embarrassing or fun marriage stories to tell. If not, what is one thing that makes your husband feel honored? Be sure to ask him if you don’t know the answer.

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Comments

  1. Thanks for sharing your devotional and heart with us. I have really enjoyed reading them. I would love to read the book you are giving away. My email address is [email protected]

  2. Thanks for sharing your devotional and heart with us. I have really enjoyed reading them. I would love to read the book you are giving away. My email address is [email protected]

  3. Thank you for your words. I really needed them today. I have been doing so well lately, remaining positive, but all it takes is one episode of feeling dishonored and I fall back in to all the bad habits. Honoring begets honor and this cycle needs to be enriched. Your words have done that. Thank you for making it easier to stand back up.

  4. Thank you for your words. I really needed them today. I have been doing so well lately, remaining positive, but all it takes is one episode of feeling dishonored and I fall back in to all the bad habits. Honoring begets honor and this cycle needs to be enriched. Your words have done that. Thank you for making it easier to stand back up.

  5. wow. my family is going through intense financial struggle. your message really blessed me in a time where i am having doubts about everything… especially my husband’s decisions. i would love to win the book…sign me up!

    [email protected]

  7. Every marriage no matter how stable it may be could use some encouragement. I am interested in winning the Love and Respect book. I would love to go the conference also if there ever was one in my area.

  8. Marriage is a hard job, but with the help of God, “We can do all things through Chirst.” My husband and I have been married a little over a year and Satan has fought us every step of the way. But I know that I know that this is where God wants me to be and I have to stay strong and have faith.

    I would really love this book. May God Bless you and your ministry.

    Tina
    [email protected]

  9. I am new to your website and ministry. It has already lifted me up today. Thanks for taking the time to keep Proverbs 31 ministry’s going. The book looks great. Boy do I need those pointers on how to Honor my husband. Thanks!

    Elizabeth Piazza
    [email protected]

  10. Wow! Renee….wow!
    This year has been THE hardest ever for my family. My pastor husband resigned from a very unhealthy church in February. We were so broken, it was much like a death. We had served them well for almost 7 years. Then, it was over! And not nicely! We were hurting so badly.
    At the same time….we had 3 teens to care for and protect. They were hurting too. Our lives were totally out of control. But God was in complete control.
    Then, things turned even worse….he sat for 4 months without a job. He worked a few hours every once in a while for a computer company in town. But this didn’t pay any bills. We were devastated.
    Here he was, a man with a BIG FAT degree and NO ONE would hire him…even to throw boxes in a warehouse.
    By the summer….I was at an all time low (NOT THINKING ABOUT HOW HE MUST HAVE BEEN FEELING!).
    I just didn’t think I could take anymore.
    The end of June, the computer co. hired him full-time…we are still trying to bounce back. We almost lost everything.
    Our marriage…..it was strained but not in danger of ending.
    I still feel so bad for him…and how he has had to suffer.
    Thanks for your book. It sounds amazing!

  11. I would love to win this book. I have been married almost 18 years, and it has been rocky for most of those years, and still is off and on. My husband is a Vietnam veteran (a Marine in the thick of it in 1968-1969), and all I can say is, it’s not easy. If it had not been for my faith in our Lord and Savior, I would not still be in this marriage. God Bless and Merry Christmas!!

  12. There are so many hurting marriages out there! I pray that whoever receives this gift will be blessed beyond measure! I know of a few couples off the top of my head who could benefit from this!

  13. I would love to win this book. I have been married almost 18 years, and it has been rocky for most of those years, and still is off and on. My husband is a Vietnam veteran (a Marine in the thick of it in 1968-1969), and all I can say is, it’s not easy. If it had not been for my faith in our Lord and Savior, I would not still be in this marriage. God Bless and Merry Christmas!!

  14. Dearest Renee,
    I appreciate your candor so much. My husband and I have been married almost 18 years. However, every time things get difficult/stressful he threatens divorce. The children weep every time he mentions the word. Emotionally, the kids and I hurt. I tell them that its our gift to God to forgive my husband and love him the way God loves him. Your blog confirmed what God whispered to me: Let Me show him the beauty of your soul; delight in Me and you will glow. I want my husband to remember why he married me.
    Thank You for pebbles of truth.
    I would like to enter your giveaway.
    Letha Warnke
    Houston,TX
    [email protected]

  17. My name is Jessica and my wmail address is [email protected]
    I would love to enter to win the marriage book. Thanks

    I am praying to soon know what honors my husband. We were married at the age of 17 and went through many hard times including prison and seperation. We were so wild and had no idea about marriage. Praise God that He has chosen to restore our family. My husband will be released from prison on April 1st. I am trusting God to teach me how to honor my husband and submit to him. I never knew what God had designed marriage to be but he is teaching me that now and I trust Him to do the same now. Prayers for my family including my two children would be greatly appriciated. With Love In Christ Jesus, God Bless You

  19. Renee,
    In May, I broke my husband’s new flat panel, big screen TV. (No, it wasn’t on purpose. It wasn’t anger-related. Let’s just say it involved a Wii-remote..you can read about it on my blog:
    (http://mom2ways.blogspot.com/2008/07/he-loves-me-more.html)
    When the TV was broken, my hubby left it as a monument. It represented the first time (in 21 years of marriage) that I completed submitted to his authority. I didn’t fight against the decision he made. When he told me this (I didn’t realize I had been so noble) it encouraged me to continue backing off and giving him respect and room to lead. I’m still learning.
    I’ve bookmarked this post to come back an re-read.