Okay, we’re gonna get real here today! I have an embarrassing confession to make: When JJ and I got married 15 years ago, I took out the words “honor and obey” from my marriage vows. While I’m confessing, you should also know I didn’t say I would submit to my husband either. I said I would “submit my ideas and dreams” to my husband and trust God’s leadership in our marriage. I was a baby Christian, but mainly I was measuring my words to make sure God and my witnesses didn’t catch me in a lie.
Oh, I had some serious issues going into marriage (and sometimes still do). Boy has God done a work on me though. Like many women, I was terrified that if I submitted to my husband I’d become a doormat and lose myself somewhere in the middle of letting my husband lead. I regretfully remember one time JJ told me it was easier to let me lead because it wasn’t worth the argument to him.
You’d think that’s what I wanted – to get my way. But it wasn’t what I wanted because JJ became apathetic. Soon I realized I was losing respect for my husband and it was mostly my fault. I wanted him to lead, but when he tried I’d often criticize how he led. It was a mess.
One day I was praying God would change JJ and make him more decisive, more confident, more protective and well, just more what I wanted him to be. God strongly impressed on my heart that my criticism wasn’t getting me any closer to my desired result. In fact, my frustration with JJ only contributed to the condemnation of his own insecurities and doubts as a man. (You know they have doubts, too). God also showed me I was fueling Satan’s flaming darts aimed at my husband’s heart. Here I was joining forces with the one who wanted to take out JJ as the leader of our home.
Through prayer, God showed me that my husband needed me to be his greatest cheerleader, his biggest supporter and to use the power of my words to build up and not tear down my man. He wanted me to keep my mouth closed when JJ was doing something I didn’t like or leading in a way I didn’t want to follow. He wanted me to be verbally, emotionally and spiritually encouraging when I saw things I appreciated. I was to find things I respected about JJ and let God take care of things I didn’t.
I started doing what God told me. I looked for and found things in JJ that I’d never really noticed before; I discovered things that were worthy of respect. It all started over 10 years ago. We’ve been through so much together now, and followed many of his decisions that scared me: job changes I didn’t want him to make; financial investments that seemed too risky; parenting issues that were hard.
I can say with joy that my husband is now the leader of our home. It’s taken commitment and many choices to honor him in big and small ways. And although he isn’t perfect, he’s more the man I dreamed of marrying than I ever hoped he’d be!
As I promised in my P31 devotion today, I wanted to share some practical ways we can honor our husbands and strengthen our marriages:
- Tell your husband that you believe in him!
- Don’t point out his mistakes, just fill in the gap.
- Ask God to show you ways to serve your husband.
- Don’t ever say “I told you so.”
- Say “I’m sorry” and mean it when you dishonor him.
- Say “I forgive you” and mean it when he dishonors or hurts you.
- Tell your husband that you thank God for giving him to you (and be sure you do).
- Let him overhear you telling someone something you appreciate about him.
- Support and encourage his decisions.
- Praise him when his decisions turn out well and encourage him when they don’t.
- Tell you husband each day about one thing you are thankful for – about his character, his work ethic, his provision, his humor or something his adds to your family.
- Pray for your husband every day.
Several of these ideas came from my friend Melanie Chitwood’s book, “What a Husband Needs from His Wife.”
For a chance to win this great marriage book, filled with insights, encouraging ideas and powerful stories, enter my drawing by clicking on the word “comments” below. Then type your name and email address (so I can notify you if you win) in the white box. Choose anonymous if you want to be – just come back to see if you won. I’ll announce the winner on Friday. And I’d love to know is if you have any embarrassing or fun marriage stories to tell. If not, what is one thing that makes your husband feel honored? Be sure to ask him if you don’t know the answer.
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Antionette Miller
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I enjoyed you blog, I often struggle with some of these things too. Thank you for being honest.
Thank you for the great advice and for the give-a-way. I’d love to have my name in the hat.
Thank you kindly,
Lora
I was burned once by a man who was a strong leader; we became engaged and he broke the engagement off after we had already began preparations for the wedding…well, I should say I, because as I look back I don’t know that his heart was ever in any of the planning. It took me a long time to get over the hurt of my broken engagement and I’m finding now that I am engaged again to a wonderful, Christian man that my previous engagement is still coloring some of my relatives reactions to the news.
But I know that my finance is different in all the important ways from my previous one. He loves God and his family and leads us in prayer. As I prepare for a wedding and more importantly a marriage, I find it encouraging that there are women who do believe that God made men to lead, and that He will bless us when we submit.
Thanks for the post Renee! It was something I needed to hear today. Even though I didn’t realize it.
~Heather
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I was stunned and saddened by the thought of what effect my lack of respect for my husband has possibly had on my children. We have five grown children, and my two sons are married or will be soon married. I shudder to think what our relationship has done to shape their perspective of marriage. We have been married for 31 years, and we went from being very happy to miserable in the course of five or six years. Substance abuse made me lose my respect for him, which only exacerbated the problem of the abuse. We have struggled ever since. Counseling has never worked out, and I have considered leaving several times. But I really think God wants me to build my husband back up, with respect for him and affirmations. It is so hard for me, and I am ashamed to admit that my children all have a poor image of their father. I ask for your prayers to give me the strength to give him the respect he needs. I want to repair the damage I have done.
Thanks for your guidance, Renee.
Honoring & Respecting my husband has been a real challenge for me of late. I needed and appreciate the reinforcement of needing to turn all over to God to handle.
Please enter me in your drawing for this much needed book!
Angel
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Thank you for your thoughts and wisdom. We’ve been struggling for the past 2 years of our 28 years together. I’ve been feeling so bad and your blog was especially meaningful to me right now.
Joy Lowery
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oh my….are YOU looking through the windows of my home??
Your description of how your early years of marriage is pretty much how much marriage is at this time. I want him to take the lead in our home BUT I have given him no room to do so. I am ashamed of myself–I can give you many reasons why this has happened but not one is a valid one. Meanwhile, I have 3 teenage sons who have learned to “let me have my way” too. And I wonder why I feel alone surrounded by so many people. You got my attention today…now what will I do about it?
Lynne Decock
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Blessings Renee,
My husband and I were on the verge of divorce and turned to God to lead us in the direction of reconciliation. Your devotion was awesome today! Thanks so much!!
In HIM,
Michelle
ooops forgot to leave my email – [email protected]
Hi Renee,
Thanks for today’s devotion. I have always had a hard time with letting my husband lead and to think that it may be all my fault for why he doesn’t really bothers me. I want my husband to be the man God has called him to be. I don’t want to look down on him. I really need your prayers. By the way I would love to win the book- I think it would be a big help to me. Thanks Again, [email protected]
Wow – soooo good to read your blog today. My husband and I are struggling through a “season” right now, and I desperately need to know what he needs from me!!! Would love to win the book!!!!!
God bless you for sharing your heart, your insight and wisdom. May God bless you for your obedience.
It always amazes me how God puts stuff in our face when we need it the most. My husband and I have a good marriage, but I know we can have a better one. I would love to win this book, because I know it could, with God’s help, mold our relationship to be a great one. Thanks for the opportunity!
God Bless
Jill Vogel [email protected]
Hi Renee,
A girlfriend of mine sent me your blog and I couldn’t believe that I have dishonored my husband and God
many times. I would love to have this book to help me and my marriage, I want to honor God and my husband and I believe your book will help me. Thank you
Denise Malave-Vicente([email protected])
Hi Renee,
I’ve been thru what you’ve been thru. Only thing is my perseption of respect was different from my husbands. And God opened my eyes to see. But your blog was a reminder to me to follow thru what I learnt. God has also shown me that Love for a woman and Respect for a Man is like an equation for a happy marriage. It’s like some there is some chemistry between the two and like a formula in a sucessful marriage.
This is exactly what I needed today!
I get so caught up in everybody’s elses feelings somedays, that my husband’s feelings often end up being the ones pushed asisde.
Thank you for reminding me to take a moment to appreciate him, thank God for him, and tell him so.
[email protected]
Thank you for your insights, they are very encouraging.
I am in a troubled marriage of only a year. After being widowed after 13 years of marriage, I thought I had men and marriage all figured out. Wrong! I totally have been dis-honoring my husband, but was really convicted this morning after reading this devotional and blog. Selfish little ME ME ME! I am only thinking about how I am un-loved and un-appreciated. I just sent my hubby a text message to say I was sorry and thank him for a few things. Of course I hope for a kind response, but I know in my heart that God wants me to honor and respect my husband regardless of his actions. AND to pray for him without ceasing.
Thank you for reminding me of God’s ways, not mine.
Joanne
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This was so enlightening. This is one area that I struggle with and continue to fall. Fortunatly God has opened my eyes and I am learning that I am the one that God needs to change.
Thank you!!
WOW, After reading the devotion, I have read several of these post!
Thank you for writing in such a REAL way! May God bless you and your family!
K Patton
Georgia