This week in Chapter 8 of A Confident Heart, we’ve been talking about the comparison trap and learning discovering that something special we each have to offer! One thing that is absolutely essential is acceptance. God wants us to accept who we are as well as the gifts, personalities, idiosyncrasies and life experiences we’ve been given so we can embrace and become the woman HE created us to be. When we accept ourselves and the blessing God speaks over our life – then we discover what we have to give – and the joy that comes with it!
Today I have a special guest, Kay Warren, wife of Pastor Rick Warren of Saddleback Church in Lake Forest, California. In her new book, “Choose Joy” Kay shares the path to experiencing soul-satisfying joy no matter what you’re going through. She says, “Joy is deeper than happiness, lasts longer than excitement, and is more satisfying than pleasure and thrills. Joy is richer. Fuller. And it’s far more accessible than you’ve thought possible.”
From Choose Joy, chapter 7: Practice Acceptance
I am a perfectionist. It’s not something I’m proud of, but I have jokingly said that I am a card-carrying member of the Perfectionists Club of America. I expect perfection from myself and others, and from the world I live in—which means I’m always setting myself up for disappointment.
I want my hair to look just right—and yet it never curls the same way twice. I precisely follow the manufacturer’s directions for washing a new shirt, and it shrinks the first time I wash it. I go to church, and there’s a typo in the song lyrics on the screen. And I get really upset because things are not, well, perfect.
I’ve been known to ask out loud, “Why is perfection so difficult?” Is it any wonder I get a few raised eyebrows in response? The answer to my question is simple. Perfection is not difficult. It’s impossible. It’s impossible because of what happened in Genesis 2. When Adam and Eve decided to eat the fruit off that tree so they could be like God, they unleashed a curse on our world. The world doesn’t understand it. They call it Murphy’s Law: If anything can go wrong, it will. They think it’s cute and clever, but it’s really Genesis 2 in action.
Perfectionism has its roots firmly planted not only in Genesis 2 but also in the environment we grew up in. Often a hard-to-please parent, family member, or highly respected teacher or coach can seriously damage our developing sense of self, causing us to carry around their “voice” in our heads as an inner critic.
How about you? Does your desire for perfection significantly interfere with your job or your ability to achieve your goals? Does it get in the way of developing deep relationships? Perfectionism’s reach extends to eating disorders and anxiety disorders. It’s nasty. Have you discovered that chasing after perfection robs you of joy and peace?
Richard Carlson writes, “I’ve yet to meet an absolute perfectionist whose life was filled with inner peace. The need for perfection and the desire for inner tranquility conflict with each other.”
What a relief it was for me to realize a few years ago that my desire for perfection in and of itself is not wrong. We were made for it! We were made for perfect bodies. We were made for perfect relationships. We were made for perfect minds. We were made to live forever. Something deep inside us calls out for what was lost, so we keep reaching for it, keep trying to find that perfection our souls long for.
So it’s not wrong to long for perfection; it’s just wrong to expect it on earth. It isn’t found here. There truly is something wrong with everything. That’s not just me, an Eeyore, talking. It’s recognizing the fact that we live under the curse. Perfection will only come when God creates the new heaven and the new earth and paradise is restored. Paradise was lost in Genesis 2. But in Revelation 21 it is restored. When that prophecy is fulfilled, all we long for will be restored to us. God tells us he will “wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain. . . . ‘I am making everything new!’” (Rev. 21:4–5).
That means no more living under the curse. It means hair that curls properly every time. Song lyrics with no typos. Conversations with no misunderstandings. It means no more relationships that go sour. No more mental illness. No more bodies that don’t work right. No more cancer. Everything that has been broken will be restored. That’s a reason for joy.
The antidote to perfectionism is acceptance—acceptance of our earthly imperfections because we are focused on the day when imperfection will be no more. If I try to experience perfection here on earth, I will come up short every time. If I keep looking for perfection within myself, I will kill the joy in me. You and I need to fire our inner critic!
When I accept myself as I am instead of who I wish I was, when I accept those around me as they are, not as I wish they were, when I accept the world as it is, not as I wish it was, my joy in today as well as my hope for tomorrow can grow.
Thank you so much Kay for giving us the antidote to perfectionism. I know I need to fire my inner critic for sure! If you’d like to find out more about Kay, be sure visit her website. Also, tomorrow my friend Holly Gerth is sharing another excerpt from Kay’s book so be sure to hop on over to read more from “Choose Joy” on Friday.
Win a copy: Share your thoughts about today’s post and you’ll be entered to win a copy of Kay’s book, Choose Joy. We’re giving away two copies!
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I love that Kay said “We need to fire our inner critic”. Thank you so much for sharing this excerpt from Kay’s book “Choose Joy”.
I am going through Kay’s online 30-day devotional messages; powerful to say the least.
Thank you for the chance to win Kay’s book.
Acceptance of who we are and how we are made is such a struggle for most people, myself including. We live in a world that portrays a certain style, way of living and especially how our body is to look. God made us exactly the way we should be. We are perfect in Him. It has taken me years to realize when I criticize other people for not being perfect “like me” or doing it the way i would… it is heart issue within myself. We all have issues whether it be self image, acceptance, hurts..the list could go on. The world is not perfect, people are not perfect…I’m not perfect BUT God is! I’m learning to relax and let things happen without getting “uptight”. Thank God He loves me through my imperfections! Oh how He loves us!!
I was encouraged and also reminded when I read this paragraph. It really spoke to me:
“So it’s not wrong to long for perfection; it’s just wrong to expect it on earth. It isn’t found here. There truly is something wrong with everything. That’s not just me, an Eeyore, talking. It’s recognizing the fact that we live under the curse. Perfection will only come when God creates the new heaven and the new earth and paradise is restored. ”
Thanks for sharing.
I am having a hard week… everything is changing in my life. My husband is ill in hospital and when he gets our he will have oxygen at home. He has a lot of health issues. My granddaughter who never speaks to any of the family (neither does her mom), has divorced or separated from her husband. She is very young and we had raised her for her first 16 years. 20 now. my best friend who was like a sister moved away..i have no real sisters. I now baby sit my youngest grandson..that is GOOD, its just 2-3 days a week, but LOL i have to get up really early and that is a routine change.
Good thing… really good thing… God has taught me not only do I need to “get everything right”, I truly CANT, its impossible and he loves me anyhow.
But all these changes are a bit overwhelming to my heart.
I guess so that is good because it sure sends me to GOD.
Whining over, life goes on and there will be many blessings even in this very day…just need to look for them.
And for the first time since the grand-daughter left, i have no idea where she lives.. but I am trying to trust that God does.
Dodi, my heart breaks for you and your family, prayers for the Holy Spirit to move in the hearts of all to start to heal the speration and bring people back together in love and acceptance~~~also for your husband to regain his strength when he is home~~~~hang in there, remember Who is your Rock and who holds you in the shadow of His wings~~~~Blessings Sue
I would love to have a copy of Kay’s book. The title says it all. I think my husband, through his midlife crisis, is seeking for what he thinks is happiness….passion in life and in personal relationships, escape from boredom, distraction from realization that he is getting older. Instead, he should really seek joy in his relationship with God. That is my prayer for him and for myself. God, please give me joy in my life, regardless of my circumstances.
Oh, how this post has hit home for me. I have most certainly added this book to my wish list. I am a perfectionist in so many areas of my life – it’s exhausting. I need to re-read this post, go to my knees, and seek out God’s answers for how to fix it.
Growing up with an abusive Dad, I had to strive consistantly to be smart enough, do things well enough, be nice enough, etc. to win his affirmation that was rarely there. I knew that I had to be as perfect as possible to win his love instead of this anger. These feelings drove me to excel in my profession at the cost of a family. It took about sixty years to realize that I was good at what I did, that, though it might be very good, it would never be “perfect and to accept that ~ and be pleased at well it really did turn out. I have found such an inner peace realizing that what can do is the best I can and be happy.
Thank you for expressing why I can’t let go of striving for perfection. It’s something we long for because it was lost with sin but will be returned in paradise. I’m glad that I can choose joy 🙂
Oh my goodness! This is me!!!! I so needed this to tonight. I have been struggling with finding the perfect guy and having the perfect job that will fit into my perfect life!! But I need to sit down, fire my inner critic, and realize that God’s Devine plan for me is just that, his plan. It surely will not be perfect, the hours I work may not be favorable, and the man that I fall in love with probably won’t have everything on my checklist. But God has put these things in my life for a reason, they are all part of his plan and I will find peace in these things. Then when all is right and I am sittin with the Lord in heaven, he will reveal to me the pieces that make everything else perfect!! Thank you so much Renee and Kay for these words I wisdom. I feel much better on the inside right now.
Definitely need to read this book!!!!! I am a perfectionist, and it frustrates me greatly when things don’t happen perfectly. When having company, especially, because I want everything perfect, I get uptight, and often take out my frustrations and anxieties out on my husband or kids……not good! This encouraged me to look at it in a hope-filled way, that one day things will be perfect….not now, but to accept that – and I Always try to remember Gods perfect plans and timing, which make up for my own imperfections!
I’m more of a perfectionist when it comes to myself than to others. I give other people far more grace than I give myself. I liked Kay’s point about how a desire for perfection is rooted in our longing for Heaven. It’s the expectation, not the desire that is harmful.
i commented earlier on your devotion about the “comparison trap” – thinking everybody else does things perfectly. TodayI am reeling from an inner comparison of how I did something and how I think I should have done something else, constantly beating myself up, constantly looking for perfection. Thanks for reminding me not to look inward or outward but upward.
Wow, this hits close to home for me too. I often avoid doing things I need/want to do if I think I can’t do it “perfectly”. I’m definitely putting “Choose Joy” on my “wanted” book list.
Oh my goodness….how this hit a chord with me. I am a perfectionist in certain things. One of my biggest fears is that my issues will affect my children. (I homeschool them.) The last thing I want is to harm their self esteem by something I say or do. 🙁 I know I will not be a perfect mom…..that has already been proven in my life. However, I PRAY that God will guard my mouth in all situations when I am talking to my children, my husband, anyone! Perfectionism can turn into criticism very easily. Lord, help me to accept all the unique character qualities of myself, my precious kids, and my dear husband today!! And quite frankly…….let me relax my expectations of everyone and rest in YOU ALONE! AMEN!!!!!!!!!
Be Blessed ~
Jennifer
I am so glad she gave the antidote to perfectionism. It helps to know what to “put on” when you “put off” something. It will also help me with other areas that need cutting and replacing. thanks!!!!!
Such wonderful insight. I never thought of my perfectionism as something normal that God created us to long for. Put in perspective, perfectionism could actually be good for us. Thinking of it in this way creates more of a longing for the Day when it will be possible. 🙂 Thanks!!!
Wow!!! I love “that my desire for perfection in and of itself isn’t wrong, we were made for it.” This is big for me. I have felt like I was wrong all these years. I can have freedom in my desire for it and freedom in knowing it just isn’t possible on “this” earth. Thank you.
Thanks for your insights. They are very helpful and explain a lot. This put perfection in perspective for me. I hope to put it into practice, that is, to do my best here on earth and not be so hard on myself or others.
Chris
Absolutely loved to hear this! I can kind of relate to Kay and her story of being a perfectionist. I don’t like making mistakes… (even though I know I’m going to make them)… and I always have had a hard time forgiving myself when I do make those mistakes. But through this study, and from what God is teaching me through it, is to ACCEPT who I am in Him… (not who I am in this flesh). If I’m living in the Spirit, and being led by Him he will take care of me. His grace is sufficient for me, when I’m not. When I fail, his grace is sufficient to help me with whatever I mess up with. I thank God for this message today to remind me I’m not perfect, and I will never be… so quit trying to be. I’m going to learn to accept Kim for who she is, and who she is in Christ Jesus. We are not made righteous by our works, lest any man should boast… but we were saved through grace, by faith. Thank you Jesus!
That was so needed. I could relate to that post because st times I want things to be perfect. Thanks for reminding me that things don’t always have to be perfect. I need to learn to accept things just the way they are and we can’t control the way they happen. Right now I am struggling with the changes that are going on at church. I need the joy of the Lord and his strength right now and that he is in control and he knows what he is doing.