This week in Chapter 8 of A Confident Heart, we’ve been talking about the comparison trap and learning discovering that something special we each have to offer! One thing that is absolutely essential is acceptance. God wants us to accept who we are as well as the gifts, personalities, idiosyncrasies and life experiences we’ve been given so we can embrace and become the woman HE created us to be. When we accept ourselves and the blessing God speaks over our life – then we discover what we have to give – and the joy that comes with it!
Today I have a special guest, Kay Warren, wife of Pastor Rick Warren of Saddleback Church in Lake Forest, California. In her new book, “Choose Joy” Kay shares the path to experiencing soul-satisfying joy no matter what you’re going through. She says, “Joy is deeper than happiness, lasts longer than excitement, and is more satisfying than pleasure and thrills. Joy is richer. Fuller. And it’s far more accessible than you’ve thought possible.”
From Choose Joy, chapter 7: Practice Acceptance
I am a perfectionist. It’s not something I’m proud of, but I have jokingly said that I am a card-carrying member of the Perfectionists Club of America. I expect perfection from myself and others, and from the world I live in—which means I’m always setting myself up for disappointment.
I want my hair to look just right—and yet it never curls the same way twice. I precisely follow the manufacturer’s directions for washing a new shirt, and it shrinks the first time I wash it. I go to church, and there’s a typo in the song lyrics on the screen. And I get really upset because things are not, well, perfect.
I’ve been known to ask out loud, “Why is perfection so difficult?” Is it any wonder I get a few raised eyebrows in response? The answer to my question is simple. Perfection is not difficult. It’s impossible. It’s impossible because of what happened in Genesis 2. When Adam and Eve decided to eat the fruit off that tree so they could be like God, they unleashed a curse on our world. The world doesn’t understand it. They call it Murphy’s Law: If anything can go wrong, it will. They think it’s cute and clever, but it’s really Genesis 2 in action.
Perfectionism has its roots firmly planted not only in Genesis 2 but also in the environment we grew up in. Often a hard-to-please parent, family member, or highly respected teacher or coach can seriously damage our developing sense of self, causing us to carry around their “voice” in our heads as an inner critic.
How about you? Does your desire for perfection significantly interfere with your job or your ability to achieve your goals? Does it get in the way of developing deep relationships? Perfectionism’s reach extends to eating disorders and anxiety disorders. It’s nasty. Have you discovered that chasing after perfection robs you of joy and peace?
Richard Carlson writes, “I’ve yet to meet an absolute perfectionist whose life was filled with inner peace. The need for perfection and the desire for inner tranquility conflict with each other.”
What a relief it was for me to realize a few years ago that my desire for perfection in and of itself is not wrong. We were made for it! We were made for perfect bodies. We were made for perfect relationships. We were made for perfect minds. We were made to live forever. Something deep inside us calls out for what was lost, so we keep reaching for it, keep trying to find that perfection our souls long for.
So it’s not wrong to long for perfection; it’s just wrong to expect it on earth. It isn’t found here. There truly is something wrong with everything. That’s not just me, an Eeyore, talking. It’s recognizing the fact that we live under the curse. Perfection will only come when God creates the new heaven and the new earth and paradise is restored. Paradise was lost in Genesis 2. But in Revelation 21 it is restored. When that prophecy is fulfilled, all we long for will be restored to us. God tells us he will “wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain. . . . ‘I am making everything new!’” (Rev. 21:4–5).
That means no more living under the curse. It means hair that curls properly every time. Song lyrics with no typos. Conversations with no misunderstandings. It means no more relationships that go sour. No more mental illness. No more bodies that don’t work right. No more cancer. Everything that has been broken will be restored. That’s a reason for joy.
The antidote to perfectionism is acceptance—acceptance of our earthly imperfections because we are focused on the day when imperfection will be no more. If I try to experience perfection here on earth, I will come up short every time. If I keep looking for perfection within myself, I will kill the joy in me. You and I need to fire our inner critic!
When I accept myself as I am instead of who I wish I was, when I accept those around me as they are, not as I wish they were, when I accept the world as it is, not as I wish it was, my joy in today as well as my hope for tomorrow can grow.
Thank you so much Kay for giving us the antidote to perfectionism. I know I need to fire my inner critic for sure! If you’d like to find out more about Kay, be sure visit her website. Also, tomorrow my friend Holly Gerth is sharing another excerpt from Kay’s book so be sure to hop on over to read more from “Choose Joy” on Friday.
Win a copy: Share your thoughts about today’s post and you’ll be entered to win a copy of Kay’s book, Choose Joy. We’re giving away two copies!
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I’m for sure a perfectionist. NOT fun! I have been sensing for a couple of months how God is wanted to return joy to me. I’m not perfect. Jesus is! To lean more on Him and the JOY of the Lord is my strength. Looking to him for all today. I’m glad I’m not alone in this walk. I choose JOY today.
I live with a man who is a perfectionist. My husband expects perfection of himself and others. It is very frustrating to hear him explain his failures or his lack of trying if he can’t do it perfectly. In turn, I hear how imperfect me and my children (we are a “blended family”) are and how if we would just learn from him we could be better. It’s daunting and debilitating. It’s crippling and frustrating. You can imagine the strife and confusion that seems constant in my household. My husband is a professed believer and he is currently in a strong place in his relationship with God. I trust that God will move him away from this idea that he can be perfect and expect perfection from himself and everyone else. I trust that God will help me to know that He (God) is with me when I am hurt and confused by the demands given to me to be perfect and that I cannot possibly be perfect in this imperfect world.
i LOVE THE FOCUS ON JOY RATHER THAN HAPPINESS. THEY BOTH SOUND LIKE ELATED EMOTION; HOWEVER, CONTENTMENT IS A BETTER FOCUS THAN HAPPINESS & IT SEEMS THAT JOY IS MORE OF AN ANCHORING IN GOD’S TRUTHS THAT RUN THROUGH US & WE REALLY NEED TO HOLD ONTO SO WE ARE NOT RELIANT ON THE FLEETING FEELING OF EMOTION- WHICH IS NEVER CONSISTANT. I AM DEFINATELY GOING TO DO SOME DIGGING INTO GROWING IN TRUE JOY.
It is always encouraging to hear that I am not the only one that struggles with perfectionism. My sister-in-law was jut recommending Choosing Joy for my next read. I think she is right. Sound awesome.
I am reading “A Confident Heart” and have begun to read your blog posts. Thank you for your courage an honesty. Kay’s book sounds like it is something I need to read as I discover what in my past is holding me back from total surrender to God. I have a daughter who is entering K soon and I want don’t want to be a critical voice to her.
Why do our strengths also have to be our weaknesses. Perfectionism can be a good thing, but used in a negative way when judging others can be bad. I need to remember to let go & not judge, afterall, He is the ultimate Judge and I have no business ranking others. I too have failed. Thanks for the reminder.
Oh how I feel the pain of being a perfectionist in a non-perfect world. I try so hard to accept things as they are and realize that everything does not have to be perfect. Even my dog. He feels that he must be first in everything and it somewhat embarrases me in front of my friends with their dog. Poor baby is not perfect. Reading all that I have during this study is gradually sinking in. The reality that the world won’t end if things aren’t perfect. Today I actually left dishes in the sink. Walked away and didn’t look back. It really is OK for me to do this.
Just what I needed to hear today. Thank You!
I am getting close to finishing Joan Webb’s year-long devotional Meditation for Christians Who Try to be Perfect. God has used it tremendously in this perfectionist’s life. I would love to win and read Kay’s book!
Renee- I am loving your study and praying that God will show me the special gifts that He has given to me and reveal the opportunities where He wants to use me. I am so where you were. I don’t feel like I have any special abilities to offer. I have compared and come up short with those who have the “best gifts”. I have served in areas mainly b/c no one else would or b/c I wanted people to think well of me. Thankfully, I had a wise friend who told me it was okay if I stopped volunteering at church when my third child was born. It felt very weird not to be “doing something” at church. A couple of times, I felt compelled to sign up to volunteer again b/c I was asked. I always said “yes” before, but I did not. I would love to learn the truths of this chapter and know with certainty where God wants to use me.
“Perfect” is a word that should be reserved for describing our great God! At our house, we encourage one another by saying, “Practice makes progress.” 🙂
Good day ladies,
I want to thank you for this – I have just recently confronted a family member – my dad – I have always felt I didn’t measure up. Just last week I came head to head and spilled by inner feelings. I am not one for confrontation or agruements. I was tired of hearing want a dissapointment I was. How I wasn’t strong enough to care for my children. How what I did in the past has given me the outcomes of my children today. I did my best with what I had. I couldn’t help it when my husband came home and said honey I got a heart problem, I don’t love you any more. That tore me up and I didn’t recovery quickly – it took me 5 years to get it all back together. But God was with me all the way. And even how HE is with me going through the situation presently. I just had to get it straight before I didn’ t have the chance to let my dad know I was tired of the way he was and has treated me. It’s a bit rocky now but I have left all this to the LORD too! He is in control. I seek my joy – the joy and peace that only my FATHER above can give me. SO, I have tried to spend time every morning to praise my Heavenly Father. TO slow down and wait on HIM. I don’t know if it’s discipline or redirecting me back to HIS plans for me. But I have felt my joy come. Not long ago I started a prayer journal – need did one, but in it I wrote – Joy is internal in Christ/Happy is circumstance an outward emotion. I rather have joy any day – it last longer than anything, for it is eternal. Thank you for the encouraging words – it’s amazing how GOD does work in our lives. I have come back to HIM again and HE is there – what an awesome GOD we have! His love endures forever, I am choosen and HE LOVES ME! Amen and Hallelujah!
We live in a fallen world that is not operating as it was originally designed to exist. This is a reminder I need every day because it helps me eliminate “why” from my vocabulary! And that in turn eliminates one unnecessary step between the Lord and me as we commune together about how He would like me to move about in the places He has me. Oh Lord, help us let go of any desire for perfection except You. AMEN.
Trusting and letting others help me is something I have struggled with so I can relate.
Great quote: Richard Carlson writes, “I’ve yet to meet an absolute perfectionist whose life was filled with inner peace. The need for perfection and the desire for inner tranquility conflict with each other.”
I love what Kay writes…
When I accept myself as I am instead of who I wish I was, when I accept those around me as they are, not as I wish they were, when I accept the world as it is, not as I wish it was, my joy in today as well as my hope for tomorrow can grow.
This really spoke to me…Thanks Renee for posting from
her book..my word this year is Joy so Choose Joy is a perfect read! Excited to read it after A Confident Heart!
Blessings to you today!
My name is Joanna, and I am a perfectionist. Oh, how the truths of God’s Word have helped me combat this daily struggle! I often find myself relating to my children with old tendencies, though, and I know I need to work harder to shower them with grace and show them joy.
Thankyou so much for including the words of Kay Warren from her book ‘Choose Joy’, it was such a great encouragement and how my heart cries out for joy. i experience the joy she talks of in fleeting glimpses in my life, but I long for a deeper experience. Mostly because I desire to share that with others and I am quickly learning that if I want to share something with others then I have to experience it first. So that it is not just words. I am also reminded that joy ison a similar level to ‘ peace that passes all understanding’, it is far beyond the actual circumstances you are in. I long to share all this with a young woman I know who struggles with perfection and comparison issues, so that she too can know joy and peace in her life. Thankyou again, I am learning so much from all you share.
Sad to say I still struggle with perfectionism and as a new homeshcooling mama I’ve had to really hold it in, especially when it comes to my children cutting and colouring. Drives me potty but managed not to take it off them and done it myself.
I so struggle w/ perfectionism as well. And, sad to say I passed it on to my daughter who has it worse than I do! She finds it difficult to complete a task b/c it has to be perfect! I ache for her. We are beginning to recognize it though, which is the first step in overcoming this. Also, to give myself permission to like myself
Yes, guilty as charged, a perfectionist. I used to think this was an admirable trait but this post shows me that being a perfectionist zaps the joy from my life and the lives of those around me. Boy do I need this book as a followup to confident heart. I want to experience the fullness of joy God speaks of in the bible but somehow feeling responsible for making sure nothing ever goes wrong and attending to my entire families needs I never seem to reach the joy God wants me to have because I’m preoccupied with being perfect for everybody else.
So, I guess that all boils down to giving ourselves (& others) GRACE in life! I need that. Thank you!