This week in Chapter 8 of A Confident Heart, we’ve been talking about the comparison trap and learning discovering that something special we each have to offer! One thing that is absolutely essential is acceptance. God wants us to accept who we are as well as the gifts, personalities, idiosyncrasies and life experiences we’ve been given so we can embrace and become the woman HE created us to be. When we accept ourselves and the blessing God speaks over our life – then we discover what we have to give – and the joy that comes with it!
Today I have a special guest, Kay Warren, wife of Pastor Rick Warren of Saddleback Church in Lake Forest, California. In her new book, “Choose Joy” Kay shares the path to experiencing soul-satisfying joy no matter what you’re going through. She says, “Joy is deeper than happiness, lasts longer than excitement, and is more satisfying than pleasure and thrills. Joy is richer. Fuller. And it’s far more accessible than you’ve thought possible.”
From Choose Joy, chapter 7: Practice Acceptance
I am a perfectionist. It’s not something I’m proud of, but I have jokingly said that I am a card-carrying member of the Perfectionists Club of America. I expect perfection from myself and others, and from the world I live in—which means I’m always setting myself up for disappointment.
I want my hair to look just right—and yet it never curls the same way twice. I precisely follow the manufacturer’s directions for washing a new shirt, and it shrinks the first time I wash it. I go to church, and there’s a typo in the song lyrics on the screen. And I get really upset because things are not, well, perfect.
I’ve been known to ask out loud, “Why is perfection so difficult?” Is it any wonder I get a few raised eyebrows in response? The answer to my question is simple. Perfection is not difficult. It’s impossible. It’s impossible because of what happened in Genesis 2. When Adam and Eve decided to eat the fruit off that tree so they could be like God, they unleashed a curse on our world. The world doesn’t understand it. They call it Murphy’s Law: If anything can go wrong, it will. They think it’s cute and clever, but it’s really Genesis 2 in action.
Perfectionism has its roots firmly planted not only in Genesis 2 but also in the environment we grew up in. Often a hard-to-please parent, family member, or highly respected teacher or coach can seriously damage our developing sense of self, causing us to carry around their “voice” in our heads as an inner critic.
How about you? Does your desire for perfection significantly interfere with your job or your ability to achieve your goals? Does it get in the way of developing deep relationships? Perfectionism’s reach extends to eating disorders and anxiety disorders. It’s nasty. Have you discovered that chasing after perfection robs you of joy and peace?
Richard Carlson writes, “I’ve yet to meet an absolute perfectionist whose life was filled with inner peace. The need for perfection and the desire for inner tranquility conflict with each other.”
What a relief it was for me to realize a few years ago that my desire for perfection in and of itself is not wrong. We were made for it! We were made for perfect bodies. We were made for perfect relationships. We were made for perfect minds. We were made to live forever. Something deep inside us calls out for what was lost, so we keep reaching for it, keep trying to find that perfection our souls long for.
So it’s not wrong to long for perfection; it’s just wrong to expect it on earth. It isn’t found here. There truly is something wrong with everything. That’s not just me, an Eeyore, talking. It’s recognizing the fact that we live under the curse. Perfection will only come when God creates the new heaven and the new earth and paradise is restored. Paradise was lost in Genesis 2. But in Revelation 21 it is restored. When that prophecy is fulfilled, all we long for will be restored to us. God tells us he will “wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain. . . . ‘I am making everything new!’” (Rev. 21:4–5).
That means no more living under the curse. It means hair that curls properly every time. Song lyrics with no typos. Conversations with no misunderstandings. It means no more relationships that go sour. No more mental illness. No more bodies that don’t work right. No more cancer. Everything that has been broken will be restored. That’s a reason for joy.
The antidote to perfectionism is acceptance—acceptance of our earthly imperfections because we are focused on the day when imperfection will be no more. If I try to experience perfection here on earth, I will come up short every time. If I keep looking for perfection within myself, I will kill the joy in me. You and I need to fire our inner critic!
When I accept myself as I am instead of who I wish I was, when I accept those around me as they are, not as I wish they were, when I accept the world as it is, not as I wish it was, my joy in today as well as my hope for tomorrow can grow.
Thank you so much Kay for giving us the antidote to perfectionism. I know I need to fire my inner critic for sure! If you’d like to find out more about Kay, be sure visit her website. Also, tomorrow my friend Holly Gerth is sharing another excerpt from Kay’s book so be sure to hop on over to read more from “Choose Joy” on Friday.
Win a copy: Share your thoughts about today’s post and you’ll be entered to win a copy of Kay’s book, Choose Joy. We’re giving away two copies!
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wow, its hard to admit I can so relate to this… Im not just anal… I’m anal retentive… it’s funny because it’s so true… we can get to caught up in making sure that everything is just perfect or at least that’s the intent… but on this side of heaven it’s just not going to happen… What a great relief it really is to know that while we can strive to attain perfection… as long as we do our best and aline our actions with GOD’s will … all will be just fine… because He makes things perfect… He turns our hick-ups to make them just right… So grateful and I would love a copy of this book… Had not heard of it.. but now I know… Thanks.
This is my daughter to a T and I’ve tried to help her understand, but her responses are there is a place for everything and everything needs to be in its place. I forwarded this to her hoping she reads it I would love to see her joy back again.
This chapter really spoke to me – I am always comparing myself to others and always feel I am lacking. I have been guilty of being critical of my husband and children for the way they did or did not do things and in a tone of voice I wished I hadn’t used. I don’t know why I feel like I am always right because I know I am not. I want peace and joy in my life and my family. Thanks for providing this study to make me think and be more accepting of myself and others!
The antidote to perfectionism is acceptance! ACCEPTANCE! I need to always remember this…
I SO LOVE THIS: When I accept myself as I am instead of who I wish I was, when I accept those around me as they are, not as I wish they were, when I accept the world as it is, not as I wish it was, my joy in today as well as my hope for tomorrow can grow. JOY & HOPE!
Thank you Kay
Thank you Renee
Aloha from Hawaii xoxoxo
Practicing Acceptance and perfectionism don’t quit fit into the same context for me. I am not a perfectionist. I am an artist and I let God make the painting or what ever I am doing. However it turns out that is just the way I figure he wants it. For example: I was doing a painting of my client, Marie’s King Charles Spaniel, Maggie. Her daughter has a sister of Maggie and her name was Allie. As I painted the picture it looked more and more like Allie until I decided it was Allie and not Maggie. It is 3 years later. Marie died and her daughter got Maggie and the painting. Allie died shortly after Marie did, so the daughter ended up with the mother’s dog and the painting of her dog that had died. Only God does stuff like, that…who would have known.
I am a member of this club! I am so super hard on myself, I choke my joy and peace so quickly with my perfectionism. Thanks for sharing…I need this word today!
Would like to win the book. Be grateful for what you have for someday it may be gone. I choose to be positive and happy most of the time.
Oh this is so me, If I can’t do it right, I get depressed and want to quit and do nothing. I’m not as critical of other’s as I am of myself. I need to learn to accept me too! I would LOVE to win Kay’s book. Thanks for the opportunity!
Blessings,
Sounds like we all have the same problem! I’m climbing on the wagon with all my sister Perfectionists with the desire to flip to Acceptance…..how simple, yet PROFOUND….TRANSFORMING! Thank you for this post!
A great teaching! I am soooo critical of other people and things at times, and disappointed in myself at the same time. (As a past proofreader, typos REALLY bug me.) I pray for guidance to true joy and simple acceptance. .
Thank you for this timely message, it hit right to the core of my being! I look forward to reading and hearing more from Renee and Kay.
Thank you for sharing Kay’s words of wisdom that perfection is waiting for us in heaven! Something to look forward to!
Yes, I have to accept that I am not perfect, and just as God accepts and loves me (with my many imperfections), I need to accept and love others. That has been so important in my career as a teacher and especially as a mom.
Several things spoke to me from Chapter 7 of Choose Joy!
I am a definitely a perfectionist – not so hard on others – but terrible to myself! 🙁
I do feel like that is robbing me of peace & joy – I am truly warn out trying to be “everything”
for everyone in all aspects of my life – as a wife, mother, employee, church volunteer, etc.
I can’t allow myself to do anything half way!
it is good to hear that perfection is impossible! I need to reflect & pray on that on!
What a powerful & wonderful reminder that perfection does not come on earth!
And I will work to ACCEPT as you suggested!
Thank you for speaking to me in such a powerful way through these words!
I think because of my perfectionism I was drawn into the comparison trap,or was it the other way around?! Either way, it is so hard to get out of either one and they are both traps of satan and he lures you in and by the time you realize what is going on you are in too deep and now have to find your way out of the trap. But it is so freeing when you start to release the hold they both have on you and when you put your focus on Christ and realize He is the only perfect one and He wants me who is never going to be perfect it helps release the hold they have on you~~~anxious to get the book and read it~~Thanks!
would be beyond blessed if i won this book…thank you for giving me the chance to do so.Gods Peace :O)
I have always compared myself to others and of course I didn’t measure up. I’ve always been jealous of my step sister, because she made better life choices than me, thinner than me, more driven than me….etc. I have to ask God to help me see my worth as He does and quit comparing myself to others.
I was not familiar with this book but it definitely sounds like one that I would really enjoy reading….am anxious to get a copy of it myself.
Yes, it is so easy to get caught in the trap of perfectionism, and, therefore disappointment. It is hard to let go, but I am guessing the resulting joy will be worth it!
Wow, what a timely post for me. I have fought perfectionism all my life. I had to be the perfect student, daughter, coworker, etc., etc. and was devastated when I didn’t measure up. I was taken in by the world’s lies and the world’s vision of happiness and success. God is showing me that I am never going to measure up in this World, but am accepted by Him just as I am. It is so freeing to realize that I don’t have to conform to the world’s version of my life, but need only be obedient to my loving Father.
Thanks for the wonderful post and your wonderful ministiry.