This week in Chapter 8 of A Confident Heart, we’ve been talking about the comparison trap and learning discovering that something special we each have to offer! One thing that is absolutely essential is acceptance. God wants us to accept who we are as well as the gifts, personalities, idiosyncrasies and life experiences we’ve been given so we can embrace and become the woman HE created us to be. When we accept ourselves and the blessing God speaks over our life – then we discover what we have to give – and the joy that comes with it!
Today I have a special guest, Kay Warren, wife of Pastor Rick Warren of Saddleback Church in Lake Forest, California. In her new book, “Choose Joy” Kay shares the path to experiencing soul-satisfying joy no matter what you’re going through. She says, “Joy is deeper than happiness, lasts longer than excitement, and is more satisfying than pleasure and thrills. Joy is richer. Fuller. And it’s far more accessible than you’ve thought possible.”
From Choose Joy, chapter 7: Practice Acceptance
I am a perfectionist. It’s not something I’m proud of, but I have jokingly said that I am a card-carrying member of the Perfectionists Club of America. I expect perfection from myself and others, and from the world I live in—which means I’m always setting myself up for disappointment.
I want my hair to look just right—and yet it never curls the same way twice. I precisely follow the manufacturer’s directions for washing a new shirt, and it shrinks the first time I wash it. I go to church, and there’s a typo in the song lyrics on the screen. And I get really upset because things are not, well, perfect.
I’ve been known to ask out loud, “Why is perfection so difficult?” Is it any wonder I get a few raised eyebrows in response? The answer to my question is simple. Perfection is not difficult. It’s impossible. It’s impossible because of what happened in Genesis 2. When Adam and Eve decided to eat the fruit off that tree so they could be like God, they unleashed a curse on our world. The world doesn’t understand it. They call it Murphy’s Law: If anything can go wrong, it will. They think it’s cute and clever, but it’s really Genesis 2 in action.
Perfectionism has its roots firmly planted not only in Genesis 2 but also in the environment we grew up in. Often a hard-to-please parent, family member, or highly respected teacher or coach can seriously damage our developing sense of self, causing us to carry around their “voice” in our heads as an inner critic.
How about you? Does your desire for perfection significantly interfere with your job or your ability to achieve your goals? Does it get in the way of developing deep relationships? Perfectionism’s reach extends to eating disorders and anxiety disorders. It’s nasty. Have you discovered that chasing after perfection robs you of joy and peace?
Richard Carlson writes, “I’ve yet to meet an absolute perfectionist whose life was filled with inner peace. The need for perfection and the desire for inner tranquility conflict with each other.”
What a relief it was for me to realize a few years ago that my desire for perfection in and of itself is not wrong. We were made for it! We were made for perfect bodies. We were made for perfect relationships. We were made for perfect minds. We were made to live forever. Something deep inside us calls out for what was lost, so we keep reaching for it, keep trying to find that perfection our souls long for.
So it’s not wrong to long for perfection; it’s just wrong to expect it on earth. It isn’t found here. There truly is something wrong with everything. That’s not just me, an Eeyore, talking. It’s recognizing the fact that we live under the curse. Perfection will only come when God creates the new heaven and the new earth and paradise is restored. Paradise was lost in Genesis 2. But in Revelation 21 it is restored. When that prophecy is fulfilled, all we long for will be restored to us. God tells us he will “wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain. . . . ‘I am making everything new!’” (Rev. 21:4–5).
That means no more living under the curse. It means hair that curls properly every time. Song lyrics with no typos. Conversations with no misunderstandings. It means no more relationships that go sour. No more mental illness. No more bodies that don’t work right. No more cancer. Everything that has been broken will be restored. That’s a reason for joy.
The antidote to perfectionism is acceptance—acceptance of our earthly imperfections because we are focused on the day when imperfection will be no more. If I try to experience perfection here on earth, I will come up short every time. If I keep looking for perfection within myself, I will kill the joy in me. You and I need to fire our inner critic!
When I accept myself as I am instead of who I wish I was, when I accept those around me as they are, not as I wish they were, when I accept the world as it is, not as I wish it was, my joy in today as well as my hope for tomorrow can grow.
Thank you so much Kay for giving us the antidote to perfectionism. I know I need to fire my inner critic for sure! If you’d like to find out more about Kay, be sure visit her website. Also, tomorrow my friend Holly Gerth is sharing another excerpt from Kay’s book so be sure to hop on over to read more from “Choose Joy” on Friday.
Win a copy: Share your thoughts about today’s post and you’ll be entered to win a copy of Kay’s book, Choose Joy. We’re giving away two copies!
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I can so relate to this. I struggle with perfectionism, and often don’t do things because I am afraid to fail. I’m trying to push beyond that and do things anyway, and accept that I don’t have to be perfect all the time, but it’s hard sometimes.
Wow, I have always expected so much of myself and continually let myself down and it leads to depression and self-doubt and low self-esteem. I want to please others and when I don’t, I am crushed. I am working towards acceptance. I know The Lord loves me for me. I just have to keep working and staying close to Him.
I am a perfectionist as well! This looks like such a good book.
WOW!!! I sat in a bit of shock after reading the first 2 paragraphs because I could have written them. This was just what I needed to read!!!!!!!!
I am a perfectionist and it makes life difficult! It’s hard becaue I don’t measure up and friends don’t. There are no perfect friends, no perfect me. I’m tough on the job because I only accept perfect in me and others. I’m trying with God’s help to learn to relax and let life happen and not get upset about what comes that’s not perfect. Not criticizing myself and others. I grew up with a perfectionist Dad who made me re-do my homework until perfect nightly! He was tough on me, it made me stronger but I am too much like him. Lots to have God chisel away in me. I also have been plegued most of my life with eatting disorders, and a lack of confidence.
I’m so thankful for this study, I don’t get online much to post, but read all the email and when I can bounce online read the posts of my “sisters” also working through this confidence thing.
Blessings all!
I really need help with silencing my inner critic. I berate myself constantly for not measuring up. I want to “choose joy”! 🙂 Thanks!
I love it when I read something and the Holy Spirit so uses the words to touch me that it brings tears to my eyes! I had this reaction reading this post. I suffer from anxiety disorders. I was on medication for 5 years to control anxiety. I am battling anxiety still but the Lord is helping me. I had never connected my perfectionist tendencies to my anxiety disorder until reading today’s post. I even strive to be perfect for God, and well, I can’t be perfect and the enemy has been using those imperfections to discourage me and make me ineffective for God’s kingdom building.
What a relief that learn that acceptance is the antidote to my perfectionist tendencies-and my anxieties! And just as I was starting to condemn myself for being a perfectionist, I love that Kay says its ok that we seek perfection. We were made for perfection, its just that its not on this earth! Thank you Jesus for allowing me to be accepted in your eyes and that one day we will be perfect in a perfect world! And not only will acceptance calm my anxieties it can bring joy?! WOW. My heart’s desire is joy and peace.
I hope to put this into action: “When I accept myself as I am instead of who I wish I was, when I accept those around me as they are, not as I wish they were, when I accept the world as it is, not as I wish it was, my joy in today as well as my hope for tomorrow can grow.” Thank you for sharing this excerpt!!
Natalie,
I got just as much from your comment as I did Kay’s excerpt. Thank you for sharing!
Perfectionism is surely a kill joy!! Thanks for making this crystal clear.
Months ago I saw a poster on some website that said, “comparison is the thief of joy.” Such a great reminder! I used to be a perfectionist, but after many years, realized that it doesn’t exist here on earth. Acceptance does bring joy. I’m a happier person after letting go of always trying to be perfect. I’d love to read Choose Joy. Thank you for hosting this giveaway.
Wow!!! This comment really hit me “When I accept myself as I am instead of who I wish I was”. I have often had trouble accepting myself for who I am. I know that the Lord is working on me too see me as who He made me to be. Reading this has made me realize that I am not perfect nor will I ever be. I just need to focus on the promises He has for me and not allow the enemy to still my joy by whispering lies to me.
This is exactly what I needed to hear. Again and again would be good! I am definitely a perfectionist, and I know it causes me a great deal of stress, and is hurtful to my relationships with my family. I think I really need to read this book 🙂
LlaWow! A lie has been torn down in my mind. Thank you so much Renee and Kay! This area was affecting my relationship with my children,there were many nights where I would run to the feet of Jesus and pour my heart out. I now know that it was not because I am a bad mother. The lie has been identified and now I will walk in victory knowing that I am accepted by my Father in heaven and that he loves me even with my flaws. I will pass down this nugget to my children because I do not want them to be in bondage of perfectionism.
Thank you so much for these nuggets!!
I am a fellow card carrying perfectionist!! Kay’s book is one I need to read, for sure!! Working on acceptance.
As Paul says in Romans, “For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.” The reminders are necessary! Daily! Thanks for this reminder. I struggle daily with this very thing and unfortunately my children are the ones who feel it when I want perfection. Only the Lord helps me overcome and yet I keep trying on my own. Will I ever learn? Lord, help me find peace among the imperfections and keep my hope in the Perfect.
I have struggled for quite a while to ‘accept me as I am’. I even have a journal on my laptop that is titled AMAIA (Accept Me As I Am) where I pour out my heart to God. Have I made much progress? I don’t know. God is working with me right now on letting go of my perfectionist tendencies which are more focused on myself than anyone else. I can give others quite a bit of grace about not getting things absolutely perfect, but I find I can get tremendously stressed out about my own imperfections. Just today I had to keep telling the condemning little voice in my head to take a hike for most of an hour. Every time I started a new activity, there it was telling me I wasn’t doing things the way they should be done, that people were going to judge me badly for not doing things well, and the like. I know that happiness and joy are things I can choose, but it has also become obvious to me that I have a real fight that I must face to break through over 50 years of heeding that condemning little voice in my head. I hold tight to my confirmation verse: All things are possible for the one who believes. (Mark 9:23)
Nancy,
I have that same little voice in my head and have always given others grace, but not myself.
Thank you for sharing!
Since we have started this study…..that little voice keeps getting quieter and quieter!! God’s voice is booming!! 🙂 ♥
So thankful for women like Renee and Kay, and many others who share their stories. It helps me not feel so alone. I know that God is doing something great in my life in the area of confidence. Even though it’s not always a piece of cake, I am staying focused on Him and trusting His promises 🙂 Being “imperfect” is something that I struggle with a lot. I am learning (with God’s help) not to allow Satan’s lies to take over me, but finding strength in His promises and trusting in Him. It’s not easy, but I am taking steps forward in confidence and He has been faithful!
Thank you so much Renee for this bible study and all the time you (and others) have put into it! It has blessed me so much.
I love how Kay explains that the reason some of us crave perfection is because we were created to be perfect when He originally created us. So it makes sense that we want perfection. I deal with this quite often and it sometimes it’s crippling. It stops me in my tracks from doing things that I am not certain how it will turn out. The only perfect person is Jesus himself. This reminds me of something in the earlier chapter of Renee’s book that because God’s love is perfect I do not have to be. Acceptance… Love it.
Just what I needed hear/read. I striv for perfect myself and in others and boy what a let down it can be when it is not right. THis is one BIG area I am working on:). Kay’s insightfulness as to Genesis 2 was so helpful. I have never looksed at perfection/inability to obtain from this perspective. Thank you Kay and Renee for yourleadership and involvemnt. Blessings
thank you for this today. I so needed to read this. This helps explain one of the reasons I have so much trouble accepting myself. I pray that th Lord can help me accept myself and deal withy need for perfection on earth before hurting the ones I love.
i thought this was very insightful. it is something we all have a hard time with accepting and it feels good to know that im not alone in that.