Today I want you to meet my brave and beautiful friend Lelia Chealey who shares her story of emptiness and how God redeemed her brokenness.
Italicized sentences are from Chapter 3 of A Confident Heart
Until our hearts find complete security and significance in God’s unconditional love, we will constantly turn to other lovers and never be satisfied.
Although I stood before family and friends professing my love and faithfulness to my husband, three years later I found myself trying to fill my emptiness in the arms of another man.
When the closed door of a previous relationship opened I ran through it. On Wednesday I was serving on our church’s youth team and by Saturday I was in between the sheets of a bed in a cheap hotel. The result of my affair led to a pregnancy I knew was from the other man since my husband had undergone a vasectomy.
Driving out of an abortion clinic and heading home to my unsuspecting husband, I wondered how I’d gotten to this place. Here I was a Christian wife and mom who had compromised my beliefs in more ways than one. Looking to fill my void with anything but Jesus, I walked further and further away from the One I needed most.
By being honest about her life and the lies she believed, she could start turning toward the Truth. She could bring the thirst of her heart to Him. Only then would she find confidence in the power of His love and start living in the security of His promises.
I ended my affair soon after the reality of my abortion set in. It shook my Jesus-loving heart to the core. One morning, after everyone was out of the house, I turned on some worship music, got down on my knees and began to sob. Raising my hands toward heaven, I told God, “If I lose everything – my marriage, my kids, my friends, my reputation, but I still have YOU, I’ll be okay.”
Admitting all the lies I had told and believed, I got gut-honest with God that day. And in that place of truth, I was set free and could then turn toward Jesus and away from my life of sin. Like Renee wrote, I could bring the thirst of my heart to Him. That’s what I did — I brought my parched soul to the only One capable of filling me and changing my mess of a life.
Three years later, I felt God leading me to tell my husband about my affair and abortion. We’d attended two marriage conferences during the in-between years and I couldn’t keep my secret any longer. Deep pain was evident on his face and in his tears. My heart broke once again over my affair as I listened to my husband process my choices.
Still in shock, he told me that while I was having my affair he too had been involved in one. I sat there stunned, silent and ticked off at God. How had He not prepared me for this moment of my husband’s truth? I felt instant emptiness, but this time I made the choice to bow my heart before Jesus and ask Him to help me.
Jesus came to give us more than salvation. He wants us to experience complete satisfaction in Him.
These words from chapter 3 resonate deeply with my soul. Although, I had attended Christian school from kindergarten though graduation in 1988; went to church on Sundays and returned on Wednesdays and knew countless Bible stories by heart, what I lacked was a relationship with my King.
Sitting there with my husband trying to process his unfaithfulness, God let me know He is the only One that could take my empty, broken heart and fill it with His unconditional love and confidence that I had sought in all the wrong places.
I love what Renee asked us this week, and how she encouraged us to write our own “when-then” statements:
So what do we do when our hearts start tossing and turning with emptiness and uncertainty? We need to stop and ask Jesus to help us see the worth we are placing in other things and the worth we are seeking in other people and shift our reliance to Him instead.
{Here are mine}
When I start to feel like my marriage is not giving me what I deserve then I will turn to God and ask Him to be my portion.
When I feel tempted to return to a life of emptiness and rely on my old patterns of comfort and fulfillment then I will praise God for what He has brought me from and remind myself that I am worthy of the sacrifice of the cross.
Lasting security comes when we bring the empty well of our hearts to Jesus and ask Him to fill and fulfill us with the security of His unfailing love.
It’s been ten years since the day of my and my husband’s confessions. Our marriage is far from perfect, but with God’s help we have walked through the process of forgiveness and restoration. My husband and I serve at a marriage conference every spring and God has used our mistakes to help other couples realize He is much bigger than any circumstance we face. He has also taken the shame and regret of my abortion and used it for His glory by calling me to be part of an abortion ministry, “Surrendering the Secret,” where I now serve as a leader.
I have no idea what your story it, but please believe this woman who almost lost everything for nothing. Jesus is worth seeking and giving Him a chance to fill up all the empty places of your life. If He can look at an unfaithful wife and compromising mom in Nebraska and see beauty instead of ugly then anyone is within reach of being embraced by His amazing grace.
You need to know that God wants you. There is no sin too heavy to stay nailed to the beams of the cross. You are the reason He trekked His way to Calvary and you are worth every step He took!
***
Thank you Lelia, for the courage and risk it takes tell your story – so raw, so real yet so full of His redemption. I see and love Jesus in you!
Let’s Connect: Will you take a minute to thank Lelia, and let us both know what has risen to the surface of your heart as you read her story or as you read Chapter 3 this week? {REMEMBER: you are reading this via email, click here to visit my website and connect in community.}
Under this post, click “share your thoughts” and do just that. Also, feel free to share some answers to your end of chapter 3 questions. I treasure this space that connects our hearts! {Love you guys so much!}
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Leila, thank you for being such an example to me and so transparent. It was like I was reading my story. I too had an affair and an abortion. Unfortunately, we have never recovered from this or my husbands struggles. We are still struggling 25 years later and I don’t know if our marriage will survive.
This bible study has spoken so deeply to my heart. When you have been hurt so much, you begin to believe you are not worth anything. When people continually leave you, you start to believe you’re not worth staying for.
I know God loves me and believes I’m worth it because He gave His life for me. No one else would do what only He did and can do. Knowing and believing are two different things, but I’m working on it. No matter what direction my marriage takes, I have to rely on Jesus. He has never left me and his promises are for me too.
Oh Sandy, I so relate! I hope and pray that you both can get to the place God wants your marriage to be. One tool that has been extremely powerful in our marriage is Family Life’s Weekend to Remember conference. We have been involved in that for years. But we can read the Bible, “A Confident Heart” and attend all the marriage conferences we can, but if we don’t apply what we learn it’s just head knowledge. Not saying that is true about your marriage, but that is where we were and life took a different turn when we learned that God actually wanted us to apply what we learn into our marriage and our individual walk with Him.
This what you said here: “When you have been hurt so much, you begin to believe you are not worth anything. When people continually leave you, you start to believe you’re not worth staying for.”
And then you went on to say knowing and believing are 2 different things. One thing I have learned from Renee is that I have a cross on my nightstand (my daughter bought it at Hobby Lobby) and I have note cards & every time something comes to my mind that I know is not from God (knowledge), I write it on a note card and on the opposite side counteract it with a truth from God’s word,. So one side, I list my worry, or negative thought and other side, TRUTH. That has helped a bunch! We just have to daily fill our minds with His Word and when we do that trickles down into our hearts and our belief in His Truth overshadows the beliefs of unworthiness. (Then your knowledge transforms into belief)
Oh I hate that you’re going through this, but at the same time, if you stick with God, you will eventually see things differently because any journey of seeking Him will not leave you unchanged. (Jer. 29:11-13)
Praying you up from Nebraska!!
P.S. Read “A Confident Heart” more than once…trust me in this. My girlfriends & I are on multiple readings, it’s just that powerful! One of them, Lisa Smith left a comment about that on here…find it and be encouraged. {hugs}
Leila,
Thank you for your story. I had gotten to the point where I felt like I wanted to have an affair. I did not but still so unhappy. Then I finally turned it over everything to God. It hasn’t been easy. It’s been a struggle especially since my husband had stopped going to church and alcohol has become his God. He has been an alcoholic since I met him. There have been some major problems but we got through. Then I just got to the point where I was sick and tired of his drinking and not getting my prayers answered. I stopped going to church, stopped praying and dug myself a pit of depression and hopelessness. Now I am trying to climb out of that pit. I am so thankful for my church family and this Bible study. It has been helping to restore my relationship with God. I know I can trust in God to fill those empty places in my heart.
Again, thank you from a fellow Nebraskan.
Leila, when I started to read your story, I found myself judging you, and by the time you were on your knees that day asking God for forgiveness – so was I. Your story is MY story too. Kindergarten to college in church schools, but I too had to go through some big life changing things to find that what I was lacking all of those years is a relationship with the Savior who loved me more than I could imagine. Some days are still hard, so deeply seated has been the insecurity I have live with and the hate I have had for myself, but thank God that He is the ultimate stain lifter and everything else I need. Espeicallu when I am empty. I am sorry for judging you, Thank you Leila for sharing your story with us. Thank you for the hope you’ve shared..
Awesome! 🙂 I always hope when I share my story that God’s greatness outshines the sins we chose to live out. He is so amazing!!!!
Leila, thank you so much for sharing your story. It is a very encouraging reminder of Christ’s forgiveness, restoring us and using our brokenness for His glory. I have also been through a lot that has left me wounded and feeling vulnerable. I know the absolute truth of Jesus’ love for me and His complete forgiveness, but my feelings often don’t match that which I know is true. I still feel “too damaged”, “unworthy”. I know too this is what the enemy wants me to believe to hold me captive, so I just continuing praying and reading the truth of His word. I’m thankful for the blessing of this study!
Jen,
Renee’s book, “A Confident Heart” has helped me get past my feelings of unworthiness. The truth is that we are unworthy, but God is worthy of a surrendered life from us. Letting Him take my past and do with it what He wants has been a hard and yet amazing journey. Trust Him with whatever has left you wounded and feeling vulnerable and then watch in awe as your Savior redeems you in ways you didn’t even know possible. He’s such a Savior!
Hugs,
Lelia
Wow! Thank you Leila for your honesty and willingness to share. I really can’t find the words to express what I am feeling, but as I read your story, this quote I had read previously, came to me, “Don’t judge someone just because they sin differently than you.” Your willingness to share really helps me to realize that I too can share my feelings and sins with others, knowing that I am forgiven and still worthy of His love, no matter what.
Another thought that has come to me, is that everything happens for a reason. I have experienced 2 pregnancies, that both ended in miscarriages and have learned some lessons through those experiences: (1) I have come to realize that God will not give me more than I can handle, (2) He will always be there to help me through, (3) there is a positive somewhere in every situation – I just need to find it, and (4) I am exactly where I am supposed to be at in life, because He put me right where he needed me, in order to do His work.
Thank you again Leila for sharing your story and thank you Renee for this book and Bible study.
Lelia,
Thank you for sharing! What God can do with broken men and women is amazing, and a real demonstration of His unfathomable love for us! I know that it is not always smooth sailing, and the journey continues, but when we have the monuments of His faithfulness in our lives to look back on and point to and say, “This is to remind us of the amazing work of our Father in heaven”, it spurs us on through the next trial, and the next.
Bless you for your proclaiming His goodness!
Searching for Significance spoke out to me. I was having a hard time with my emotions and menopause. My husband, kid and even my mom commented to me that I was not a happy person anymore. The afternoon I cried and had a great talk with my mom, I was still emotional so I decided to go visit the grave site to talk to my father and God. When I got there it was very windy, but while I was opening my heart to God the winds settled down and I felt calm. God does have unconditional love, I sometimes forget that. Thanks Renee for this wonderful Bible Study.
Thank you so much for sharing your story, Leila! Knowing that others struggle with the same hopelessness and insecurities makes me feel like I’m not crazy! It also reminds me that there is Hope and redemption through all our pain and struggles.
Thank you also for sharing that video, dKnighTweets. I have seen it so many times, but when you are in the middle of going through a rough time it really makes an impact in your heart to know that Jesus died for me.
Thank you also Renee for your book, it speaks to my heart everyday and really helps me to find what I really have been longing for all my life- unconditional love.
Thank you for sharing your story and being so honest and open. I am encouraged that God is restoring and mending broken marriages. I sometimes feel that it would be best for us to go our separate ways due to all the baggage we seem to be collecting. I know the grass isn’t greener elsewhere but I sometimes think it’s better than this. Not sure how we’ve made it this far (over 30 years) only that God’s grace keeps us together. I love my husband and know he loves me. We just have such a hard time communicating and being on the same page. I get so frustrated then critical. But God is showing me that I am looking to hubby too much instead of Him. I need to continually release him to God. And I need to keep my mouth shut more.
Barbara,
Family Life’s Weekend to Remember is a conference that God has used in mighty ways in our marriage. We volunteer every year and each year learn so much. Check into it and if your hubby isn’t into stuff like this, don’t count it out. Either is mine and he love it so much. The key is to apply what we learn, which is an ongoing work in progress. http://www.familylife.com
Also, stick with Renee’s book and APPLY what you learn in it too. That’s the key to change. 🙂
Wow, thank you for being so honest and real!
“I Love The Lord,” Whitney Houston
“Beauty In The Broken” by Hyland. You’ve got to hear it… Praise music first thing in the morning “helps” me at least ‘start out’ with an uplifted Spirit. My birthday wish today is that you ladies be built up in Him, through Him, by Him, because of Him … for Him.
“I Choose Jesus” by Moriah Peters ….look it up, listen, choose and worship Him. Our only true happiness – found in Jesus.
I need Jesus too otherwise I cant function without him. It’s so difficult
for me to trust him. I try so hard to let Him be in control. I know
I need to surrender and leave all my cares to him. And when I do
Then later I find myself taking control when I should just let him
Work. I’m going through a difficult time in my life right
Now… My husband wants a divorce. Says he is not spiritually in
The marriage anymore. We r a result of an affair. He was married at the
Time when we had an affair. Plus he does not live here even tho we r married.
He is from another town because of his job.its his hometown. We never lived
In the same city.
It has been difficult because he blames me for feeling alone
When he needed me …especially divorcing and leaving his three kids for me.
He says he regret s leaving and hurtinghis kids for me. I feel so unloved and not good enough.
I know God loves me unconditionally and will never leave me.
For so long I have desired a man’s attention and love. I have been thru one divorce
And abusive relationships and where they too cheated on me. I ask
God why can’t someone just love me. My husband is now
Saying that we lied about everything. And god will not bless our marriage
Because of our sin by having an affair. He says that he is not going
To make God accept our lies. I try to encourage him with speaking
About god but it’s not helping. I just want all this Pain to go away. I find
Myself talking, praying and crying out to Jesus everyday . I don’t know
What to do … My pastor and counselor tells me to file for
Divorce but I can’t do it.
I need Jesus. I need to let go of my fear of trusting Him and trusting others. I isolate and let no one in. Not even my husband. Too many hurts in my past. A life of regrets pain and deep depression. I escape by drinking and isolating yet I know God is calling my name. Lord please help me let go if the things and beliefs that keep me from a real up close relationship with You helpme Lord to let my walls down and become who you want me to be. I need you Jesus. Amen
Thank you Lelia, for sharing your story. God can heal anything. This story is raw and honest. I think we all need to be honest with each other. I hope this will help others to move out of the darkness and into the light ofGod’s love. As far as chapter 3 I could relate to it so well. Different circumstances same concept. Thank you for sharing your eexperience. I am getting so much out of this study. So grateful for this community of women. God bless.
I’m sorry, I just have to ask, some of you that “choose” infidelity because your not getting the attention you want from you husband, have you really “thought” about who you might be hurting????
I am so sorry. Even after so many years infidelity is hard for me! I know He forgives and I know He heals and even uses our bad choices for His glory. It just strikes my heart how much someone is thinking about themselves without thinking about the “friends” wife or even his children.
Hi Lynda,
Thanks for asking. My hope in sharing my story is that people will focus on what God has done in my life, not all the sins I chose to live out. The human mind tends to grade sins, but bottom line is whatever the sin of choice is by His children, sin grieves His heart. I’m so thankful for my Redeemer. 🙂
When a wife & mom has the heart of an adultress, her choices are not for the best interest of anyone else, not even herself. Her selfishness began way before her affair did, it started when she believed God wasn’t enough for her.
What a powerful testimony. Thank you for your honesty. My father was a compulsive gambler and came and went in my life. I sometimes would not know where he was for weeks and then get a call that he was around. I have come to realize that I feel the same way about God. That he comes and goes from my life but I have figured out that I am the one that comes and goes. He is always there with open arms waiting for me, to trust him and know that he will always be there. Thank you for this study.
As a woman that had an ex husband that constantly cheated on her, and even got another girl pregnant while I was carrying his child, I have a hard time with this story! My full term baby boy died, and her (the other woman’s) baby boy lived. I was told I should have an abortion, but CHOSE not to, I gave this baby a chance for life. Aaron Tracy weighed 8 lb 10 ou and lived three hours. Also, I did NOT choose to cheat on him, and I did NOT choose to abort my baby! Since this time many years ago, my little black haired, beautiful baby boy, has become a joy that lives in my heart, and I know I will see him again one day, and the Lord gave me a wonderful husband that loves the Lord and knows how to love me and treat me. I’ve been with my current husband 30 plus years. I have three living children by my ex husband that are grown and have given me beautiful grandchildren. Things have been TOUGH! Sometimes it has been so hard to “trust” men, to “trust” my husband, and to “trust” the Lord! Sometimes, my son that is just like his dad hurts me. But, He has helped me learn to forgive, to live with the consequences of my wrong choices, to love Him with all of my heart and to realize He is a forgiving and redeeming Savior, that loves us and wants us to have a life filled with His Joy!
I’m so sorry that you had to go through this, all of it. From the affairs, the other pregnancy, the loss of your son Aaron. I’m glad that you did not choose to abort like you were advised. But all that you have endured, I’m grateful that you chose to follow the Lord even in your toughest trials and I hope that by you sharing your pain that other women who may be thinking of getting involved with a married man or cheating on their own spouse can be deterred because of the pain it causes.
I’m not proud of anything I’ve ever done that causes God pain, but I willingly give Him permission to use my story to bring other women who have made similar choices to His throne. That’s where I soak in His redeeming grace versus showering in shame. Satan kept me silent long enough and we all have a story worthy of Him telling. I pray your story brings Him the honor and glory He deserves.
Hugs from a redeemed & forgiven former adulteress.
Thank you Leila for your story. I too had an affair and I felt God telling me to confess but before I did the truth came out to my husband. It has taken a while to come to the place that even if I lose everything as long as I have Jesus I will be OK. My husband and I take it one day at a time but I crave to be loved and held by someone who trully loves me, warts and all and I am finding that the only one who does that is Jesus. It is very hard to be fully reliant on him but we have to be.
Amen Amanda! I’ve learned that surrender has to be daily. I’m so glad that you know Who is really capable of fulfilling all of our needs. Continue your journey to Jesus my friend, He is so worth every hard step.