When we first moved to Charlotte in July 1995, we didn’t know anyone. JJ had just graduated from VA Tech 6 weeks earlier, we had a newborn (Joshua) and were both starting new jobs – me at home; him at work. Here I was in a new city, looking for a new church and hoping to find some new friends. I was so lonely and felt so insecure.
Charlotte is a very big, very wealthy and very busy city. There are huge churches, huge neighborhoods and lots of huge houses. Everywhere I went, women looked like they had it all together. I struggled so much with comparison and felt like no one needed a friend except me.
I had only been a Christian for 6 years and was still looking through the world’s lens to define what mattered most in a friendship. I had nothing to give; nothing that would make me “desirable” as a friend. I didn’t know what I was doing as a mom. I needed someone to show me. I didn’t know much about being a wife either. We’d only been married 18 months. I didn’t even have a cute house that would be fun to host a play date.
The mom’s I met in the nursery or at mom’s groups were all married to someone their age or older, so they had a house, nice clothes and more stuff than we did. I felt so discontent in our tiny apartment with minimal furniture. I thought that if women who had it all – in my eyes- knew how much we didn’t have, they wouldn’t want to be my friend. (I know that is crazy but a girl’s gotta be honest.)
Our bedroom furniture was mine from grade school. Our nursery had a consignment store white metal crib and a dresser I bought for $5 from friend. We had one rocking chair and a couch so there wasn’t much seating in the living room. We rarely had friends over and when we did I was embarrassed to show them around. (I’m sorry if my selfishness offends you. Now you know how very imperfect I am…which is a good thing.)
A year after we moved here, a friend told us about a sweet 1250 square foot cottage-like home in their neighborhood. It even had a one-car garage and fenced in backyard. Our first home. I loved it. I just knew I’d be content and finally be able to open my home to friends.
My house was great until God gave me friends with bigger houses. I’ll never forget a mutual friend introducing me to a really fun mom who had a son the same age as Joshua. The boys became buddies and our families started hanging out together. The only problem was that her husband was a professional football player. I never wanted her to see my house because I knew it was probably the size of her garage.
As you can imagine, my relationships with women were pretty “on the surface” in my late twenties and early thirties. It took me years to develop meaningful friendships. I look back now and see how all of that comparison kept me from having or being a good friend.
When we compare how we feel on the inside about our selves with how someone else looks like she has it all together, we will never see the beauty of what we each have to give to each other.
I am so glad God kept bringing women into my life that had much more stuff than I did, and still continues to do so. Through this process He searches my heart to see what I think matters most in a friend and challenges me to give from the riches He has stored, not in my home but in my heart.
Is it just me, or do all women struggle with comparison- whether we compare our homes, our kids, our husbands, our ministries, our abilities, our weight, our wardrobe, our personality, our (you fill in the blank) ______? And doesn’t it hurt our relationships with each other?
Has comparison ever affected how you see yourself as a friend or how you approach those you want or don’t want to be friends with? If so, how?
I’ll be doing my “friend-shippy” give-away this weekend. I plan to print all of the comments from this week and draw a name. So, post your thoughts on comparison and you will be entered. Simply click on the word, “Comments” below and be sure to include your email in case you win.
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Superb inftomaoirn here, ol’e chap; keep burning the midnight oil.
Hi Renee,
I stumbled over here from another SheSpeaks contest post. It is the first time I’m at your blog and just scrolling down your posts, this one caught my attention. I know your giveaway is over, but I still wanted to let you know that your thoughts really resonated in my heart.
Comparison is so wicked, and is something I’ve struggled with in great measure — yet only honestly recognizing in the recent years. As I look at my daughters (oldest is 8) and the teens I work with, I see how it begins slowly and steadily.
I really think the only solution is to find our identity in Christ and hold that piece right before us. Instead of looking left and right, we need to follow close behind the person, character, and love of God that came to us in the form of our Savior. The more I think on this, the more I believe it to be true. Now I’m just trying to figure out the words and examples to communicate that effectively to the kids (mine and my teen gals).
Thanks for stoking the fire of thought on this subject with your words.
Blessings,
Elisa
http://www.extravagantgrace.net
Hi Renee,
I stumbled over here from another SheSpeaks contest post. It is the first time I’m at your blog and just scrolling down your posts, this one caught my attention. I know your giveaway is over, but I still wanted to let you know that your thoughts really resonated in my heart.
Comparison is so wicked, and is something I’ve struggled with in great measure — yet only honestly recognizing in the recent years. As I look at my daughters (oldest is 8) and the teens I work with, I see how it begins slowly and steadily.
I really think the only solution is to find our identity in Christ and hold that piece right before us. Instead of looking left and right, we need to follow close behind the person, character, and love of God that came to us in the form of our Savior. The more I think on this, the more I believe it to be true. Now I’m just trying to figure out the words and examples to communicate that effectively to the kids (mine and my teen gals).
Thanks for stoking the fire of thought on this subject with your words.
Blessings,
Elisa
http://www.extravagantgrace.net
Hey Renee;
I learned at a very early age that this comparison thing will haunt me. I remember in middle school living close enough to home, I had to go home for lunch and it was raining. My shoes was not good almost bottomless, I tried to change it and wear my church shoes to school. My mom said I had to go back to school without or wear the wet torn one. I went without because my toes were all on the ground anyway.
I was so humiliated! I had to figure something out. Thank God for the personality he gave me. I went back made lots of fun about being barefooted and then had some of my friends join me. From then I realized that I could get others to do what I wanted [in a nice way] there was no reason to be left out. You either do what I want or I am off, it has worked for many years. I have hidden for many years behind the facade that I do what I want when I wanted to but the truth is there were times when I wished someone would be stern enough for me to want to follow…
I am happy you have opened this topic because it only made me realize that we are all vulnerable irrespective of how we decide to deal with it.
I used to put myself down and compared myself so much until I honestly believe the Lord spoke to me one day and said…..I made you the way you are…my personality, the way I process things and so forth. Its as if I downplayed the “me” he created. I felt bad about that because I didn’t realize that’s what I was doing. Needless to say, that isn’t an issue anymore. Of course, I have moments where the demon of comparison rears its ugly head but with the help of the Lord its dealt with. I even had the privilege of presenting a seminar about the same thing….Fearfully and Wonderfully Made based on Psalms 139:14
I’m also learning to be content with what God has enabled me to get according to my means and taste. My home has to be reflective of me and not someone else. If my family has no complaint, why should I, regardless of what anyone else has. I seldom have friends or family over and I seldom visit others. However, when I do, I admire what I see and so forth because they have what they have according to their means as well as taste. Thank you for the opportunity to share.
Be blessed.
Hi Renee,
I love that when God starts trying to tell you something, He finds a dozen different ways to reinforce it, to make sure you “get it”. He used your blog tonight to speak to me once again. I have been hearing a message over and over from Him about contentment. I think a lot of discontentment stems from comparison. It is certainly a scheme from our enemy to make us doubt ourselves. Many of us do play the comparison game when it comes to material possessions and physical appearance, but we also can fall victims to comparing ourselves spiritually to others too. We think we must be doing pretty well because we aren’t “sinning” like someone else. Or we think we could never have the kind of relationship with Christ someone else has because we could never be good enough to deserve it. We forget it doesn’t have anything to do with how good we are but with how good He is. One example in scripture of someone “wanting” to be compared is in Daniel chapter 1. Daniel asks the guard appointed over him, Hananiah, Mishael and Azariah to compare their appearance after ten days to the other young men. This is after Daniel asks to be allowed not to defile himself by eating the royal food. When they were compared they looked healthier and better nourished. This reminds me that as long as I am following after God and His commands, being compared to anyone else should be no big deal. I’m going to always come out on top if I am obeying Him.
Hi Renee,
My first visit here but what an awesome conversation!
I’ve definitely felt the comparison issue when I used to live in a town that was FULL of The Beautiful Mommies. I joined a gym for exercise and friendship only to have to hear about exotic vacations and plastic surgery. Being a minister’s wife, I certainly had nothing to contribute to either of those topics.
I was mortified one day when one of these Perfect Moms jumped in my Suburban for a field trip. She had a spotless, brand-new SUV and mine had chicken nuggets and fries under the seats. I decided to stop apologizing for all I lacked and to ask her how she kept it all together. She immediately burst into a million tears. I found out she was miserable with the pressure of keeping up appearances and was as desperate for an authentic friendship as I was.
What I learned is she really had no interest in what I didn’t have -what she wanted from me was sincerity. Not THAT I had in large supply and we became great friends.
Loved this post…:)
Lisa
Hi Renee,
My first visit here but what an awesome conversation!
I’ve definitely felt the comparison issue when I used to live in a town that was FULL of The Beautiful Mommies. I joined a gym for exercise and friendship only to have to hear about exotic vacations and plastic surgery. Being a minister’s wife, I certainly had nothing to contribute to either of those topics.
I was mortified one day when one of these Perfect Moms jumped in my Suburban for a field trip. She had a spotless, brand-new SUV and mine had chicken nuggets and fries under the seats. I decided to stop apologizing for all I lacked and to ask her how she kept it all together. She immediately burst into a million tears. I found out she was miserable with the pressure of keeping up appearances and was as desperate for an authentic friendship as I was.
What I learned is she really had no interest in what I didn’t have -what she wanted from me was sincerity. Not THAT I had in large supply and we became great friends.
Loved this post…:)
Lisa
Hi Renee!
I have such a content hubby that he really keeps me balanced in this area. I have a friend that has called herself, ‘upper middle class’ and has to let you know the sticker price on everything from her house to her kids’ education~very shallow words I must say.
Anyway, we didn’t speak for about 4 years because of this kind of thing. I forgave her of what happened & moved on, but the comparing of material stuff was so ridiculous. The funny part was, that she had aa rich mom who provided all the “stuff” even the education for the kids she brags about. So strange. I guard my heart with this type of friendship, that’s for sure.
Love your posts!
Blessings~
Lelia
[email protected]
Ah yes.. good ol’ comparison. Such a crafty detrailing tool! I’ve memorized 2 Cor. 10:12 for just such occasions as a reminder that this “is not wise”. It really does get us nowhere good does it? Something in fact to “cast down” and replace with a truth: we are fearfully and wonderfully made, and that he provides our daily manna, our daily bread. For me? I somehow just “see” all the amazing gifts that others have to offer, but struggle in feeling I have to offer anything important in return. I guess the question that begs to be answered is what are friendships all about? What is God’s design? How did Christ model this? I’ve had on my “to do list” a study of the disciples, lots to learn there!
Ah yes.. good ol’ comparison. Such a crafty detrailing tool! I’ve memorized 2 Cor. 10:12 for just such occasions as a reminder that this “is not wise”. It really does get us nowhere good does it? Something in fact to “cast down” and replace with a truth: we are fearfully and wonderfully made, and that he provides our daily manna, our daily bread. For me? I somehow just “see” all the amazing gifts that others have to offer, but struggle in feeling I have to offer anything important in return. I guess the question that begs to be answered is what are friendships all about? What is God’s design? How did Christ model this? I’ve had on my “to do list” a study of the disciples, lots to learn there!
Your honesty about the challenges of friedship is heartwarming. I can relate to your thoughts – especially comparing my simple home to others. Thankfully, I’ve gotten over it and invited people in even if it isn’t perfect. But, at our core, we all need friends no matter how “put together” we appear on the outside.
Ah yes.. good ol’ comparison. Such a crafty detrailing tool! I’ve memorized 2 Cor. 10:12 for just such occasions as a reminder that this “is not wise”. It really does get us nowhere good does it? Something in fact to “cast down” and replace with a truth: we are fearfully and wonderfully made, and that he provides our daily manna, our daily bread. For me? I somehow just “see” all the amazing gifts that others have to offer, but struggle in feeling I have to offer anything important in return. I guess the question that begs to be answered is what are friendships all about? What is God’s design? How did Christ model this? I’ve had on my “to do list” a study of the disciples, lots to learn there!
Ah yes.. good ol’ comparison. Such a crafty detrailing tool! I’ve memorized 2 Cor. 10:12 for just such occasions as a reminder that this “is not wise”. It really does get us nowhere good does it? Something in fact to “cast down” and replace with a truth: we are fearfully and wonderfully made, and that he provides our daily manna, our daily bread. For me? I somehow just “see” all the amazing gifts that others have to offer, but struggle in feeling I have to offer anything important in return. I guess the question that begs to be answered is what are friendships all about? What is God’s design? How did Christ model this? I’ve had on my “to do list” a study of the disciples, lots to learn there!
You are too sweet! And no, I debuted in the blog world with my first little post on Jan 2, just a few short weeks ago!! I’m about as green as they come!
Can’t wait to hear the story about you and Lysa when you get done with your speaking prep!
Linda
WOW, Renee, did this ever hit home. My house has been in the process of remodeling for seven years now. I am constantly telling myself that I couldn’t possibly have HER over as my house looks so awful compared to hers. UGH! I need to remind myself that I need remodeling as much as if not MORE than the house does!
Hi Renee,
I know you’re a busy lady, but if you could stop by my blog and read today’s post (Saturday), I hope it blesses your day as much as you bless me!
Have a great weekend.
Linda
I can certainly relate to comparisons and they can go both ways…where I feel inferior and insecure around other women who might be thinner, dressed nicer, more put together..but then there are times when I have felt superior towards other women around me that I felt were more frumpy and not put together. And that’s just talking about appearances. I have friends who have beautiful bedrooms decorated just as they like…my bedroom has a gun safe and hunting equipment stashed in the corner. It’s easy to compare, and feel inferior, and feel superior. My prayer lately is anytime I feel either to pray immediately and ask God to change my thoughts and heart attitude right then, and pray for the person I am feeling that way about!
Blessings,
Kelly
I struggled with comparison so much. It really came to a head this April when I was at a women’s retreat with some online friends. It was like all of sudden I realized that I was valuing everyone else, and putting myself down, when in God’s eyes, I was very special and loved. It’s nice to know I’m not alone with that struggle. I find that more and more I am able to be authentic, but it takes practise and courage. Thanks for sharing.
Jessie
[email protected]