Fearful. Betrayed. Abandoned. Unloved. Unworthy. Unwanted.
These are a few words that defined Donna and cast shadows over her. Here’s Donna’s story…
***
Fearful. Betrayed. Abandoned. Unloved. Unworthy. Unwanted.
These were shadows from a past that would haunt me for years. A past that would hold me hostage and keep me from fully living in the light of God’s love.
Fearful as I watched a hot plate of spaghetti thrown across the kitchen. Fearful as I watched furniture crash against walls. Fearful as my dad fell to the ground a few feet from my mom after he’d swung at her and lost his balance.
Betrayed after my intoxicated father sat me on the back of a horse without a saddle or reins to hold, and then swiped the horse’s rear end. Betrayed as he laughed with his friends while I went sailing through the air and landed on a barb wired fence.
Abandoned and unwanted when my dad filed divorce papers and when I discovered he failed to even get my name and birthday correct on them. Abandoned each time my dad refused to pay child support. Unwanted as years went by without visits, phone calls, hugs, birthday gifts.
Unloved and unworthy when my dad broke promise after promise… to visit, to call, to show up for my high school graduation, to pay for college.
Fearful, betrayed, abandoned, unloved, unworthy, and unwanted. Words and emotions that I let define me and cast shadows over me … until July 2011.
Through several of my Pastor’s sermons and through a friend’s father passing away, I sensed God asking: “How would you feel and what would you do if your Dad were to die this very day?”
I had no answer. I didn’t even know or really even think I liked my dad, much less loved him. Fifteen years had gone by since I’d seen him.
Around that same time, God challenged me with two words: ACCEPT and CHOICE
I had a choice and I made it. Following God’s nudging, on July 1, 2011 I went to see my father and accepted him for who he is.
In doing so, for the first time ever, I was able to ACCEPT my past. God made it perfectly clear to me that I could not change my dad nor my past. My only job was to pray for my Dad. I cannot tell you the burden that lifted from my entire being on July 1st.
God took my acceptance one step further. He told me I had a CHOICE!
A choice to believe that He is who He says He is. A choice to believe His promises; a choice to believe I was worth dying for; a choice to be filled with His joy; a choice to let Him be my Father, my Abba Daddy; a choice to live with a confident heart.
And it’s up to me to make those choices 24/7. Not just on Sunday. Not just at 9am when my day starts – but constantly make those choices. So I get up every morning and choose to believe that God is a Promise Keeper. I make the choice – to believe He loves me like no other can nor will, to pray for my Dad, to let go of the anger. I choose to live in the Light of Jesus so I can have a the freedom and security of a confident heart.
There are days, even minutes, that I don’t make the right choices. But the good thing is as I get better and better at making those choices my rebound time gets shorter and shorter. I get quicker at turning back to the Light.
I’m praying for you today – that together we can turn towards and live in the Light of God’s love. That He’ll give us courage to make the choices He’s asking us to make and accept what He’s calling us to accept so that we can keep turning and growing.
Lord, thank You for Your promises. I thank You that You have called me out of the darkness and into Your light. Thank You for transforming my heart into a heart like Yours. In Jesus’ name. Amen.
Donna, sweet friend, thank you for boldly believing Jesus and walking in obedient trust of His calling on your life. Your story and your faith challenge and encourage me to listen for His voice and do the hard thing of believing Him when my feelings are demanding their way. I”m so grateful for the Light and the way you walk in Him!
Connecting in Community: What is God speaking to your heart as you read Donna’s story ? Or is there something in chapter 5 that resonated with a change, a choice or a place of acceptance God’s inviting you to? Let’s share here and/or some of the answers to our end of chapter questions this week. Whatever is on your heart.
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WOW! I thought I was reading my own story! That was exactly my childhood detail for detail even the spaghetti on the wall!
Okay, so I’m finding that I cannot keep up with everything, but I am going to still plug away anyway with what I can do. And I still wanted to thank Donna for her sharing. I’m very glad you were specific because it helped me identify with some things. I can’t believe it’s taking me so long to heal, but God is using your words, Renee, and in your book, and Donna’s words, and I just had to say, once again!, thank you both!!! sincerely, in Him, Lisa
My father, too, was an alcoholic….making that choice to accept him just where he is at….what freedom; unfortunately, my dad passed away before I could get there….I know my Daddy God will take care of me and I can still accept and believe and wipe out that past and all those hurtful memories.
Thank you, Father God, for your unconditional love…I am safe with you!
Oh Donna… What a powerful testimony. So glad that God is in the redemption business. You are so very beautiful friend… I’m featuring you as our Featured #TellHisStory this week. I can see from the FB shares and the sheer volume of comments that your story has touched many, many people. But I want to do my part to share your story. So grateful for you.
(And thank you, Renee, for making a safe place for people to share their stories.)
Jennifer….
Thank you for your encouraging words! And me too on God being in the redemption business! Thanks for featuring the story that God has given me. Will be praying that it touches and changes hearts for His kingdom and for His purposes.
Blessings,
Donna B.
Thank you for sharing your story, Donna. It’s so incredibly difficult to understand why parents treat their children so badly when all they want is to be loved and nurtured. I have a painful memory of my father in a rage chasing me down the hallway with a belt in his hand. His eyes were blazing and his teeth gritted as he charged after me. Since I was very small at the time, I crawled under my bed and scrunched up as close to the wall as I could. He couldn’t pull me out from under the bed so he swung the belt under the bed. The absolute terror I felt followed me throughout my childhood and into my adult life. Until the Lord starting dealing with me. I have forgiven my dad and we have a great relationship now. We love each other deeply and I dread the day he goes home to be with the Lord (he accepted the Lord several years ago–I’ll never forget the first time we all held hands and prayed in the kitchen!). Forgiveness is so healing and freeing! It sets you free from the prison of guilt, shame, anger, and loneliness. Only Jesus can truly set you free! Thanks again, Donna!
Gloria C,,
Thank you for sharing your story and I so feel your pain and fear. I am so sorry that you had to experience those emotions and feelings with your dad. Praising God for the work that He has done in her heart towards your dad and the freedom that He has given you with the gift of forgiveness.
Blessings,
Donna B.
Thank you for your beautiful story and testimony, Donna! God bless you 🙂
Woundings from childhood leave scars that are intrinsically embedded in the fiber of our heart. I am so thankful that God has a salve, and a princess bandaid that can heal that wound.
Diane,
Me too … love how He is the medicine that heals those scars and our hearts.
Blessings,
Donna B.
Donna…you are truly an inspiration to us all! To come from the dark places of your past, which are far darker than my own, and turn toward the light,as Renee describes, honors the Lord who had plans for you and inspires others that they can also find the light…and embrace his plans…if they turn to Jesus! p.s. loved the video from last years post!
Miss Mary T,
Thank you. It’s all God and His work. He must INCREASE and I must decrease.
Blessings,
Donna B.
Sometimes God has to put something in black and white before I finally “listen”. Today on FB, I received the same prayer from two FB friends that have absolutely no connection. God was speaking to me.
Heavenly Father, you know every decision I need to make and every challenge I face. Please forgive me for the times that I try to figure this life out on my own. I need You. I need Your Holy Spirit to give me strength, wisdom, and direction. Amen.
Donna, thank you for sharing your story and your testimony. Prayers and God’s blessings to you.
Elaine,
Love the prayer. Thanks for sharing and I love how God works in such ways that we know it’s Him doing the work. What a gift He gave you black and white!
Blessings,
Donna B.
Donna, God is doing an amazing work in and through you. Keep turning towards the light and let it shine on through to others like you just allowed for us to see. His grace and mercy is abundant. He is so faithful and His love endures forever. You are loved.
Chelsea,
Thank you so much. And yes, He is doing an amazing work and am thankful to Him and for Him and His amazing gift of grace.
Blessings,
Donna B.
Late to the comments, but I have been processing and re-reading chapter 5. This morning when I got in my truck to go run errands, the song by Selah “I Turn to You” was on the radio. I said, “Thank you Jesus – a more perfect song for my study time could not have been written.” I had a full, challenging day. As I got in my truck one more time to head for home this evening, I turned the radio back on. Tenth Avenue North’s “You Are More” started playing. The words were straight from Jesus to me. I needed to hear that I am more than the sum of my past mistakes, I am more than the messes I have made….I’ve been restored. Both songs, the only time I had to listen today and Jesus gave me those precious gifts. And i NEEDED them today. Look up the Lyrics to both songs and I hope that you are blessed. Thank you Renee and Donna for being willing to share, for letting God use you in helping me through this time of my life. I’m not through it, and it won’t be easy, but I have hope.
Sherry,
I love God’s timing and how He brings us just what we need! Love those two songs and thank you for sharing!
Blessings,
Donna B
Sherry,
Love God’s perfect timing and how He shows up with perfect timing. Love those two songs and praising Him for His gift to you!
Blessings,
Donna B
I am very thankful for your story and in your courageous love of the Father in heaven I can relate and feel it is our sorrow and tears God uses to build strength in our faith that helps as well as serves others well. In these times of so much suffering God relies on us to lift others up to help Him love them alot. God bless all who suffer and struggle with this life and wont it be wonderful to be joyfull with our Father and meet all our sisters in Christ. Amen Love to all Helen
Helen,
Thank you for your kind words. And praising Him that He is our strength builder and the Author and Perfector of our faith in Him.
Blessings,
Donna B