Fearful. Betrayed. Abandoned. Unloved. Unworthy. Unwanted.
These are a few words that defined Donna and cast shadows over her. Here’s Donna’s story…
***
Fearful. Betrayed. Abandoned. Unloved. Unworthy. Unwanted.
These were shadows from a past that would haunt me for years. A past that would hold me hostage and keep me from fully living in the light of God’s love.
Fearful as I watched a hot plate of spaghetti thrown across the kitchen. Fearful as I watched furniture crash against walls. Fearful as my dad fell to the ground a few feet from my mom after he’d swung at her and lost his balance.
Betrayed after my intoxicated father sat me on the back of a horse without a saddle or reins to hold, and then swiped the horse’s rear end. Betrayed as he laughed with his friends while I went sailing through the air and landed on a barb wired fence.
Abandoned and unwanted when my dad filed divorce papers and when I discovered he failed to even get my name and birthday correct on them. Abandoned each time my dad refused to pay child support. Unwanted as years went by without visits, phone calls, hugs, birthday gifts.
Unloved and unworthy when my dad broke promise after promise… to visit, to call, to show up for my high school graduation, to pay for college.
Fearful, betrayed, abandoned, unloved, unworthy, and unwanted. Words and emotions that I let define me and cast shadows over me … until July 2011.
Through several of my Pastor’s sermons and through a friend’s father passing away, I sensed God asking: “How would you feel and what would you do if your Dad were to die this very day?”
I had no answer. I didn’t even know or really even think I liked my dad, much less loved him. Fifteen years had gone by since I’d seen him.
Around that same time, God challenged me with two words: ACCEPT and CHOICE
I had a choice and I made it. Following God’s nudging, on July 1, 2011 I went to see my father and accepted him for who he is.
In doing so, for the first time ever, I was able to ACCEPT my past. God made it perfectly clear to me that I could not change my dad nor my past. My only job was to pray for my Dad. I cannot tell you the burden that lifted from my entire being on July 1st.
God took my acceptance one step further. He told me I had a CHOICE!
A choice to believe that He is who He says He is. A choice to believe His promises; a choice to believe I was worth dying for; a choice to be filled with His joy; a choice to let Him be my Father, my Abba Daddy; a choice to live with a confident heart.
And it’s up to me to make those choices 24/7. Not just on Sunday. Not just at 9am when my day starts – but constantly make those choices. So I get up every morning and choose to believe that God is a Promise Keeper. I make the choice – to believe He loves me like no other can nor will, to pray for my Dad, to let go of the anger. I choose to live in the Light of Jesus so I can have a the freedom and security of a confident heart.
There are days, even minutes, that I don’t make the right choices. But the good thing is as I get better and better at making those choices my rebound time gets shorter and shorter. I get quicker at turning back to the Light.
I’m praying for you today – that together we can turn towards and live in the Light of God’s love. That He’ll give us courage to make the choices He’s asking us to make and accept what He’s calling us to accept so that we can keep turning and growing.
Lord, thank You for Your promises. I thank You that You have called me out of the darkness and into Your light. Thank You for transforming my heart into a heart like Yours. In Jesus’ name. Amen.
Donna, sweet friend, thank you for boldly believing Jesus and walking in obedient trust of His calling on your life. Your story and your faith challenge and encourage me to listen for His voice and do the hard thing of believing Him when my feelings are demanding their way. I”m so grateful for the Light and the way you walk in Him!
Connecting in Community: What is God speaking to your heart as you read Donna’s story ? Or is there something in chapter 5 that resonated with a change, a choice or a place of acceptance God’s inviting you to? Let’s share here and/or some of the answers to our end of chapter questions this week. Whatever is on your heart.
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I have to share this will all of you …. found it on my FB page and thought of this group.
God never promises to remove us from our struggles. He does promise, however, to change the way we look at them. Max Lucado
LOVE IT!!!
Donna, thank you for sharing your story with us. I am thankful that our Lord spoke to you and gave you “a choice to believe that He is who He says He is. A choice to believe His promises; a choice to believe I was worth dying for; a choice to be filled with His joy; a choice to let Him be my Father, my Abba Daddy; a choice to live with a confident heart.” Our Lord Jesus is always loving and giving and sheltering and even when our earthly parents fail us, He never does. God bless you.
Barbara,
AMEN and AMEN! Love how God works in each of us. He is the giver of every gift! Blessings, Donna B
Thanks for sharing your story . I love that God promise he will never leave us nor for sake us .
Becky,
Me too …. It’s one that I lean into every day and claim it for myself.
Blessings,
Donna
Donna I’m so thankful that God is healing you from these past hurts! We all need to let go and forgive those things or people that hold us back from the glorious plans God has for us. As I think about my past, I see where I have hurt others and I have apologized to them. However, I’m not sure that I have really forgiven myself!! How do you let go of all that and believe you are loved, by God as His child? And if I do begin to believe that, I’m afraid that people will think that I think I’m something wonderful. Does this even make any sense????
I have struggled with low self esteem all my life. I want to believe that I can be what God wants me to be but I’m afraid that I may never achieve it. :(.
God is using this study and all of the posts to help me see things differently. I just have a LONG way to go!
Still trying to let go and let God!!!
Rebecca,
Me too! It’s been a long road and He has been there with me every step of the way. It’s all in His power, His strength and His forgiveness. One of the hardest things for us to do is to extend GRACE to ourselves. I recommend that you take a look at Chapter 12 of A Confident Heart. It’s loaded with His promises – promises that we need to claim and hold on too with all that we are. Also read Psalm 139 over and over and ask God to speak to you in and through His Words. Add your name to the Psalm like this …. Rebecca is fearfully and wonderfully made. Ask God to help your unbelief. He will do it .. and then read Psalm 139 again and again. And make the choice to BELIEVE God! To believe is also a choice. Anytime you doubt yourself, choice to believe the words of God. Grasp them and hold them tight. And above all else….BELIEVE them! He loves you like no other can or no other will. Claim each and every promise that Renee shares in Chapter 12 as a promise that God specifically means for you. I will be praying for you. Blessings, Donna B.
Thank you Donna! I will check out chapter 12 and read Psalm 139! I’m so thankful for this study! Although I probably sound like I’m not getting anything out of it, I really am! I love it! Thank you again!
God bless you!
Thank you for posting this. I am struggling with this same thing with my mom. I’m even rereading a book I bought a while ago, Lord, Change Me by Evelyn Christiansen, my question is how do I do this?
Felicia, that is a great book to be reading again. Remember that forgiveness is stronger than anything. I do not know your story but I too have one of my own and I have come to a place that I can forgive both my parents, I am sure they did the best they could in the situation they had and even though that is not a comfort always, I have to choose that obeying the Lord in forgiveness is most important and peaceful.
I know for me it is a process of choosing to forgive and speaking it. I don’t think we always have to understand it, I know I don’t but it matters not. I would rather serve my God than the lies anyday.
Another thing that comforts me is to know that the Lord of the universe chose me to follow after Him.
More comforting then you will know. Focus on His truths as much as possible. Hope that helps.
Felica,
So sorry that you are struggling with your Mom. Just remember it’s a journey. A day by day – choice by choice journey. It’s been about a 45 year journey for me. Please don’t give up. It took lots and lots of prayer for me. Lots and lots of believing God at his word. Lots and lots of forgiveness. And it was something that I couldn’t do without the help of God, his power and his strength. And lots of reading through His word and through A Confident Heart. And lots of self examination and lots of asking God to reveal His will to me … and then the kicker …. lots of obedience and love for Him. Sometimes it is not about us … most of the time … it’s not about us … it’s all Him and our obedience to Him. Praying for God to continue the work that He is doing in your heart. Praying for you to lean into Him for his strength and His power and His truths.
Blessings,
Donna
Fearful. Betrayed. Abandoned. Unloved. Unworthy. Unwanted.
Each word makes me wince with recognition. It’s a powerful statement to remind people they have a choice. So much can be lost in our relationship with Christ if we continue to believe and live our lives in those lies. Thank you for sharing and remining us that our Dad’s are men and our Father is a promise keeper.
Julie,
Thank you for your words. Thank you for being a part of this study and this group. I love how God has pulled us all here as a part of His plan.
Blessings,
Donna
My story is very different, and very hard to even admit. Today God revealed to me that my husband is much of the reason I don’t have any confidence. It is so subtle that I don’t always notice. I must rely on Christ more to rise above these inferior feeling. Just so you all know I love my husband very much, and feel that it has been a happy union ( 47+ yrs.) Renee, your book has caused me to look deep within and ask God to veal ALL things I need healing for. Thank you for allowing God to use you.
Alice, thank you for sharing ….. just always remember that you’re confidence is found in Jesus. I too struggle thinking that I need to find my confidence in my friends, my family and others. But it totally comes from Him and is of Him. I often placed my confidence in those around me, to only be hurt and to be striped of that confidence. Once I read A Confident Heart and listened to God’s truth that Renee shared with me, I realized that I could safe myself a lot of pain by placing my confidence in God instead of those around me because God will never take that confidence away. Praying for God to continue your healing process as you lean into Him. Blessings, Donna
I was in an abusive marriage right out of high school. It took 10 years for me to see how the pain and abuse from that relationship affected me. I got to a point where I asked God “Can I truly love as You’ve asked me to without addressing this?” I knew that I couldn’t. Believing that we are unaffected by pain in our past is Satan’s way of keeping us away from Gods will. As I began to work thru the pain, shame and multitude of emotions, God taught me to love and continues to teach me. Like Donna, a burden wasn’t suddenly lifted. A peace that healing had finally begun filed my heart. In chapter 5, I’ve learned I can not allow the past to dictate the future God has called me to.
Jeanette,
I am sorry that you experienced an abusive marriage. And am so thankful that God has you on a journey of releasing the pain, shame and other emotions that come alongside abuse. So blessed that He teaches us how to love through His eyes. Thank you so much for sharing. Blessings, Donna B
Donna you nailed it,
I HAVE A CHOICE…. “A choice to believe that He is who He says He is. A choice to believe His promises; a choice to believe I was worth dying for; a choice to be filled with His joy; a choice to let Him be my Father, my Abba Daddy; a choice to live with a confident heart.”
its easy to say yet hard to do every minute….. unfortunately my rebound is sooooooo much longer and i carry a VERY BIG guilt bat around with me and i beat myself with it allllll day everyday…. i still very much in a pit and downward spiral although lately i’m pulling myself up and out its just sooo hard and lonely… thanks for today’s message i sooooo needed it!!
Shannon,
Praying for you. I did this excercise through my church one day and it helped out tremendously. WE were asked to write out one of our struggles on a piece of paper – something that we needed to hand over to God. So I wrote forgiveness down – forgiving my Dad. We then took communion and were directed to go outside and throw the struggle into a fire pit. Once the fire burned the struggle, we couldn’t pick it up … we weren’t to revisit the struggle. So when I caught myself in the future struggling, I would remember that I gave it up and that I couldn’t take it back. I would ask that you do the same … give it up … lay it at the foot of the cross …. burn it … destroy it …. knowing that you could never pick it up again. Jesus died in order for us to hand over those struggles to him. Let Him have them.
Praying for you as God shows you how to release the pain … how to release the struggle … never ever to pick it up again …. and if you do pick it up again …. praying that God directs you to release it again ASAP.
Blessings,
Donna
Awesome testimony Donna. Thanks for sharing and inspiring us. By choosing to forgive your dad regardless of how you felt you allow God’s healing balm to heal your wounds and draw you closer to him. Allowing us to see God’s love and mercy. Have a wobderful day
Karen,
Thanks much! It’s all Him doing the work!
Blessings,
Donna B.
Thank you for sharing your story Donna! What a powerful story that truly does show God’s grace, forgiveness and healing.
When I process my own pain, it helps to remind myself that we all have painful stories, and different depths of pain. It took me until 2005 to get in touch with my own story, as I kept it dormant all these years until one day in 2005 I wanted to know who my dad was. I searched for him but found he had passed away of Cancer in 1993, I also lost my brother to Cancer at the age of 14 YO, I 13 YO. Short version, mom went into a severe depression, attempted suicide multiple times, so I spent my teenage years taking care of my mom. There simply wasnt time to ask questions about my absent father, or to grieve the loss of my brother. The pain I carry is deep, but through God’s powerful healing I believe I’ve worked through most of it. There are days when I’m weak, but I just look to him. I may not ever get the answers I want in this life, but Jesus has chosen me to be his daughter, even though my earthly father didnt want me.
This chapter was a deep one for me, and it reminds me how thankful I am for the mentors I had influence my life for me. Jesus had his hand on my life from before I even knew him.
Renee, thank you for writing this book….You’ve made such a huge difference to me.
Renee, I as so thankful that God has brought you into this journey with Renee and A Confident Heart. Praying that God will use it as your turn each page and that you will be open to His teaching and to His love. Praying that God will show you how to let go and release the pain to Him. So thankful that he has begun to heal your heart and that He has given you the desire to move forward in the light. Praising Him for the mentors that He has placed in your life! it’s a great thing to have others walk alongside us and love and pray on us.
Blessings,
Donna B.
Thank you so much Donna! I truly appreciate your encouraging words!
I did not experience the abuse that Donna did. My dad simply was not there (parents were never married). My mother single handedly raised us but she was always so overwelmed by trying to make ends meet coping with her own fatherlessness, the abuse and neglect that started for her while she was a teen. What resonnates with me most is the Lord’s chare to Donna to accept her father for who he was, the past and to make a choice “to believe that He (God) was who He saids He was….”. That got me cause I know I often use the fact of not having a father to explain why its so difficult to see God as my new father. But I know He has been a true father to me. So the charge to Donna is the same one on my heart today. In the midst of all the tasks of my day and in the face of wickedly demanding feelings (and warfare) exclaiming that I am this or that – I am encouraged to take up my jounery of trusting in God and turning to Him for everything. I see why the scripture aptly says the “just shall walk by faith and not by sight”. For with out faith it is impossible for me to please God and see Him in the process of healing me.
Taiye,
So sorry that you had to go through life not having your Dad around. And I too struggled with seeing God as my Father, because I didn’t know what it was suppose to look like. I could see my friends with their Dads but I just couldn’t see myself with a Dad until I went to Haiti about 5 years ago and I saw first hand how God was a Father to so many orphans. I love his promise in Psalm 68: 4 – 6.
4 Sing to God, sing in praise of his name,
extol him who rides on the clouds[a];
rejoice before him—his name is the Lord.
5 A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows,
is God in his holy dwelling.
6 God sets the lonely in families,[b]
he leads out the prisoners with singing;
but the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land.
I found that God loved me more than an earthly father ever could. In fact, he loved me so much that he sacrificed His son for me. Not too many fathers are capable of that act.
Love how he loves us more than his own son. That is a true Father!
Praying that God will reveal Himself to you as your Father!
Blessings, Donna B.
Thank you for being honest Donna. My father or pops was a good fatheMy ex pased awayr. Now my first husband sounds just like your father in the way he was acting. I had to watch a kitchen table being thrown at me, fist to my face and a glass being thrown at me and cutting my elbow along with the artery. There is alot more but I am so thankful that you posted it. My ex passed away a couple of years ago and someone actually asked me how felt and I honestly di not know what to feel
Debbie
Debbie,
Thank you for sharing your story. And I am so sorry that you had to go through all of the pain and physical abuse from your first husband. Praying that you will allow God to search your heart and show you how you are to feel through the eyes of Jesus and not your own. Praying for God to walk with you hand and hand as you process your thoughts and feelings. Praying that you will focus your eyes on Him. Blessings, Donna B.
Thank you, Donna for sharing your story! It is so powerful. I realized today that when I go to take this clinical weekend in a few weeks; it’s not like a cancer diagnosis; I will pass or fail. If I don’t pass, I need to find another direction. If I do; I will be an RN. I am tired of stressing over it.
Tiffany,
Praying for you as you take your clinical. Praying for clarity of mind and speech. Praying that God will honor and glorify Himself in and through you. Blessings, Donna B.
Donna ~ Thank you for displaying all that you have felt / feeling in your lifetime on that one occasion in your life. What a great amount of strength it took to allow us to see in your view. Thank you for that. Especially for the MANY that feel so alone, yet knowing full well we are not along. God bless you, Donna! 🙂
Elizabeth.
It’s all God! Not me. So blessed and thankful that He doesn’t give up on me and that He brought me to Renee’s story and A Confident Heart. It was a transforming read for me and it is still transforming my heart and life for His glory. He must INCREASE. I must decrease. Thankful for His unconditional love. Blessings,
Donna B
So inspiring! Thank you Donna for sharing your story. Praise God for His faithfulness.
Elizabeth …..
Praising Him with You! It’s all about Him and His faithfulness even when I am unfaithful. Praising Him and thanking Him for his forgiveness.
Blessings,
Donna B.
I don’t know if anyone’s heard of this, but there is a book called, “My One Word,” and the idea is that you pray for God to give you one word that sort of sums up what He would like for you to focus on for the year. My word is, “acceptance.” Everything that you said in your testimony spoke loud and clear to me, Donna. I also have a father who is an addict. When I was a kid, he made me so many promises and although he probably wanted to, he just wasn’t able to keep any of them. I have asthma, and when I was little, it was so bad that I was usually home from school so that I could have round the clock breathing treatments. I remember one time when I was like 6 years old, sick, and home from school; my mom trusted my dad to take care of me while she ran some errands. As soon as she left, my dad asked me if I was hungry. He told me that he was going to get me something to eat and that he would be right back. He left me there for hours by myself and without a treatment. I can remember watching show after show and making up reasons in my head for why it was taking him so long to get back. Other times, he would use me as a ploy to leave the house without my mom thinking that he was going to go hook up with drugs, so he would tell me that we were going somewhere and then we would end up in front of apartments and he would tell me that he would be right back…and leave me in the car for hours because he forgot about me. He also would do things when he was high that he thought were fun, but were fun only for him…like trying to see if he could climb trees with the 4 wheeler…even as I begged and screamed for him to please not try because it looked scary..and then he would say he wouldn’t and then last minute try….and then, of course, we would not make it and crash….okay, so that only happened the one time, lol….ahhh….I had no intention on writing all of that out, but once I got going I needed to continue. The worst part about all of it though, was that he was a really good dad when he could be…and so I was always so confused as a child…and still am as an adult. He is in prison now and I am so bent on not holding ill feelings towards him at all, that I try to not think about any of those things. I know that they have impacted me in soooo many negative ways, but I try to focus on the positive things that his mistakes taught me and the positive things that he added to my life; like praying before bed every night. My dad taught me “the Lord’s prayer” when I was itty bitty and would pray it with me every night (when he was there.) I cannot remember a single night of my life where I didn’t fall asleep praying because of his teaching me the importance of bedtime prayer. Even when I did my prodigal daughter thing and turned away; drunk as a skunk or high as a kite, I would pray and cry to God before I went to sleep each night. Anyway, accepting things and choosing to believe that my heavenly Father DOES love me and is who He says He is…and will come back and not just leave me here….and can be trusted….these are the things that make the difference between bitterness and peace, hatred and love, despair and hope!
I’m sorry to read of so many painful moments in your childhood, but I’m thankful that God protected you through all of it! I love the One Word resolution, actually, and my word this year is “surrender.” I also like your word of “acceptance.” May you continue to reach out to God prayer and be filled with His love and strength, as He takes you to place of peace and acceptance.
Thank you so much, Julie!!!! <3 Surrender and acceptance are very similar in nature. I pray that this year is a year filled with sweet surrender in your life!
Laura, I am so sorry that your Dad left you alone and made you feel like you did. But I am also praising God that your Dad taught you the importance of prayer. We sometimes get so wrapped up in why me that we lose focus and forget to focus on Him – the WHO. And I love your One Word! Mine for 2013 is sacrifice. Praying for you as you put your One Word into practice. Praying for God to heal and repair. Blessings, Donna B.
Every chapter that I read I find more of myself and what I need to remember to be doing with my llife and that is turning towards God and His light. I feel like I too am a prisoner of my past hurts, mistakes and bumbles through life. I know that God uses all of those to make me the person that I am today and I need to remember to turn to that Light when I am feeling drawn back into my past darkness. I too am getting better but I have a ways to go. Thank you for sharing your story Donna it makes me feel better knowing that I am not the only one out there struggling with past issues.
Hi Sue,
You are not alone. I have to make those choices and accept my Dad every day. It’s an ongoing process that God takes me through almost every day or at least any time that He comes to mind. And always focus on His promise that He will never leave us alone. Praying that your eyes will be focused on Him and not on the past circumstances of your live. It’s in and through Him that we find healing and it’s in His power that we learn to forgive – just as He forgives us. Blessings, Donna B.
Thank you Donna for sharing! I’m half way of reading chapter 4, been sick last few days of allergic stuffed nose, ears hurts. Donna, you are amazing by God handmade you and knew you inside mother’s womb. I have my own issues in my childhood of rejected due my hearing loss and felt left out too many times by families and seem always last person to know and am only child. I don’t understand my life of why many hardships events happened but yet God loves me and you and He made us and bad sistuation events turned out His own good! Keep me in your prayer!
So sorry that you are not feeling well. Praying for God’s healing. And yes, we both, we all are fearfully and wonderfully made. And I used to ask myself why … but unfortunately, I know what He may never reveal the whys and that it is way more important to know the WHO! To know Him as a God who loves us like crazy! Praying for God to focus your eyes and heart on Him and that the whys become less important as you lean into Him and get to know Him better. Blessings, Donna.
Donna, thank you for being so transparent. Your testimony gives me hope that I can get past the fear of sharing my past hurts with others. I know that would begin the healing process for me.
Renee mentioned you are her email assistant. I can’t image how many emails you girls read on a daily basis. You do a brilliant job!
Chapter 5 – Chaning My Focus – My aha moment was “We leave no room in our thoughts to listen to what He is thinking about us…” I have never thought about what God thinks about me.
Renee, I know God lead me to this book and to your study. I have underlined so many sentences in this book that are so similar to my thoughts, but you were able to express them in writing. Thank you for giving us this platform to share. It’s like group therapy for me.
Sharon,
It’s all God and the work that He is doing in my heart. It’s still a daily choice for me to love my Dad and to forgive my dad. I often pray for God to give me His eyes so that I can see my dad as God sees him. I have to remind myself daily that not only did God send Jesus to die for me and for my sins, He also send Jesus to die for those in my life that have harmed me. Praising God for your Aha moment because you are so right God thought enough of us to sacrifice His one and only SON for us! Now, that’s some love and an amazing sacrifice for all of us. Blessings, Donna B.