A guest post from Heather Bleier:
I grew up in the security of knowing my parents loved me and loved each other dearly. I also knew Jesus as my Lord, Savior, and confidant and that He had a plan for my life. I was excited to find out what He had in store for me.
With a flair for drama, I’d break out into song anytime and anywhere…grocery stores were my favorite. When I was five, I boldly told my mom I was going to be the next Celine Dion. But as my faith grew, I decided to become a contemporary Christian artist instead. I joined every choir I could. By middle school I was in our church’s Praise Team and adult choir, plus two of my school choirs. I could picture myself being on stage one day, singing my heart out for God; perhaps sharing a duet with Celine Dion at one of my concerts.
Life, however, rarely goes the way we plan.
As a young girl a man exposed himself to me and tried convincing me to follow him into the woods. Although I didn’t go with him, it left me feeling confused and ashamed. My parents divorced while I was in middle school. If that wasn’t hard enough to process, just before I started high school, my ex-boyfriend sexually assaulted me.
I wanted to be strong for those around me, so I chose not to tell anyone.
Throughout high school I pressed on, pretending nothing bad happened. I became a skilled actress, fooling even myself. Food became the only controllable thing in my life; going without for days at a time. When I graduated, I moved to Austin, TX to go to college. It was supposed to be a fresh start. I was supposed to be able to leave my pain in San Antonio, allowing it to vanish from my memory. It didn’t. Instead, my wounds were torn open when I was assaulted again in the fall of my freshman year. I silently clung to the cross harder than ever.
Still, I felt broken and empty inside, useless for ministry or marriage. How could someone prevail, becoming a woman of purpose and confidence?
One night, I hit rock bottom. God’s Word told me He was with me, but I felt forgotten and alone. As I stood in my room in despair, I thought about taking my own life as I held a knife to my wrist. I begged God to tell me how any of my past would fit into His plans. I needed to know; otherwise I had no reason to remain in existence. It was just too hard.
There are no words to describe what happened next. The devil’s hot breath was in my ear, urging me forward. But then I felt God wrap Himself around me, holding on to all I was worth as I crumbled to the floor. He spoke Jeremiah 29:11 into my heart, and I fully surrendered my life to Him, my plans, and every broken piece of my heart.
Through every trial, every pain, I had to cling to the promises poured out in God’s Word. Instead of being ruled by my ravaged emotions, I learned to stand firm on His unshakeable Truths.
Healing hasn’t been easy. But it’s been possible as I have filtered my thoughts through God’s Word… which is unchanging, true, and from the One who loves His children beyond what we can hope for or imagine.
I have clung to Psalm 46, especially the first two verses. Regardless of how I “felt” the Truth remained, God was WITH me through every trial, every pain, and He caught every tear. This simple Truth stays with me even now when hard times come.
Music has been another way God has spoken His Truths and comfort to my heart in a BIG way. I found music artists that helped me stay focused on who God is and who I wanted to be in Him. Margaret Becker’s album Soul was the first Christian CD I remember owning and every song filled me with hope, comfort, God’s Truth, and some really awesome 90’s dance moves.
Every day I have to make a choice. I can either choose to be swallowed by my painful past or my daily circumstances. Or, I can have faith in God’s plan for my life. I now know faith isn’t about believing everything will turn out well…it’s about trusting God NO MATTER how things turn out.
To be the woman we want to be, we must see ourselves through God’s eyes. We must cling to the cross of Jesus Christ and to His promises. He does not falter when our emotions run circles around our hearts. His view of us does not change…ever. We will always be His children. As His beloved daughters we can become the women HE wants us to be!
As Renee shared in Chapter 11, God tells us we are: Chosen, Redeemed, Loved, Remembered, Secure, Able and Called.
These are Truths worth clinging to. We don’t have to be confident in ourselves rather, we must have confidence in God’s love. Confident that He sees us; He knows our hurts and where is needed. He also knows our whole story and how it fits into the lives of others.
I so agree with Renee: “I pray that you will become a catalyst for other women to learn to live in the power of God’s promises because they have seen it happen to you.”
I didn’t become a professional singer. God moved in my heart to become a Director of Christian Education. He showed me that my calling was to help lead others to His heart, to demonstrate trust in His plans above our own…no matter what may happen.
Thank you so much Heather for sharing your story so vulnerably because you wanted us to see and draw near to the power of Jesus’ healing and hope. You have reminded us that it’s in our brokenness and surrender that He uses our dreams and gifts – to offer others the same comfort, redemption and encouragement we have found in Him.
Friends, I pray Heather’s story touches your heart and brings you hope as we read chapter 11 and ask God to help us become the women HE created us to be. He has a plan and a purpose for your life!! And He wants you to give away each day – a little bit or maybe a lot – sharing what He’s given you through Jesus.
I love how He is using Heather now, and the power of His healing in her brokenness, in ministry as she leads a middle and high school youth group, teaches middle school religion, oversees their Sunday School program, and sings in the praise team. In 2010, she married her best friend and the love of her life, Daniel. They’re bringing their first bundle of joy into this world mid- December. Heather also volunteers at Proverbs 31 Ministries with Melissa Taylor on the Gather and Grow Leadership Team. Be sure to stop by Heather’s blog Revolt and find her on Facebook and Twitter.
Your Turn:
What part of Heather’s testimony touched your heart today?
Please share your thoughts, and if you’re in my online study, please ALSO share an answer or two from our Chapter 11 questions. Just click “Share Your Thoughts” below this post. Heather and I can’t wait to connect with you today. {If you are reading this via email, click here to return to my blog.}
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Thank you for sharing, Heather. It wasn’t until just last year that I finally told someone (even though I didn’t tell her the entire story or about every time) about something that happened to me that left me confused and unable to fully trust anyone (as though I didn’t already have enough trust issues from growing up never knowing my dad). I still see the people that robbed a piece of me often so I am constantly reminded of what happened, but I choose not to dwell on it. Instead, cling to His promises and trust Him.
Jessica, sharing with a trusted friend is a wonderful first step toward healing. I pray that God would fill you with His peace as you continue to place your trust in Him. Healing isn’t something that comes easily, but God will never leave your side and will provide the strength that is needed to move forward, becoming the woman He desires you to be.
Heather,
I too, can relate to almost all of your circumstances…I defn believe God places people in your life for a reason and know that I was meant to read this entry….I am moved to tears right now just remembering all of the bad things that I did and that happened to me.. I now cling to God more than ever and sometime find it hard to fathom that he still loves me no matter what,, His grace and mercy are outstanding and I am beyond thankful for his forgiveness…I have totally turned my life around and even though I fall short everyday, I do my best to let people see Jesus through me…. THANK you for sharing your story with us!!!
Blessings and Love,
Karri
Karri, God’s timing never ceases to amaze me as He brings us what is needed at just the right time. His unfathomable love and grace also keep me in constant amazement! It’s so good to hear that you allow Christ to shine through you! That is the greatest witness!
Heather, thank you for being brave and allowing God to work through the pain in your life. Your story is both sad and beautiful. Sad because I wish you never had to go through the pain and sad because so many women can relate. Beautiful because God brought beauty out of the ashes. Your story shows us that restoration and hope are possible.
Love you. Thank you for always being willing to let God use you.
Renee, thank you for featuring Heather on your blog today!
Like you I wish fewer women could relate, but I give God thanks for not giving us more than what we can handle and only what fits into His greater purpose for our lives.
I love you too Melissa and I look forward to seeing you next week.
Dear Heather,
I am joining you from Renee’s blog. I’m thankful to Renee for having you as a guest. Thank you for being vulnerable in sharing with us your weaknesses and struggles. By sharing your weakness, we can see how He is strong in our weakness! Hearing about how God worked in your life gives me hope that he is working and will work in my life too. I too have almost believed the lies that life was too hard to go on. Praise God that he has always been with us and helped us through those times and that today we stand in Christ.
What spoke most to me from your post was:
(1) “But then I felt God wrap Himself around me, holding on to all I was worth as I crumbled to the floor. He spoke Jeremiah 29:11 into my heart, and I fully surrendered my life to Him, my plans, and every broken piece of my heart.” The Lord has been repeating Jeremiah 29:11 to me these last few days after several stressful conversations between him and I where I repeat, “I don’t have a plan!” Isn’t it amazing how God weaves together emails, devotionals, messages to talk to us?! And what brought tears to my eyes, and again now as I write this, is the imagery you use about God’s embrace. I woke up this morning peaceful, a change from the past days, because of a dream I had last night. I dreamt that I was being lovingly hugged by someone. It was a sweet embrace, soothing and loving. It was an odd dream because I didn’t know who was holding me so lovingly, but it brought me peace in the dream. Assurance that everything was as it should be. In reading your story, I began to think of that embrace as Jesus, my bridegroom’s, embrace of me. Jesus is embracing me now and has always embraced me and will continue to always embrace me. Regardless of the circumstances.
(2) “Through every trial, every pain, I had to cling to the promises poured out in God’s Word. Instead of being ruled by my ravaged emotions, I learned to stand firm on His unshakeable Truths.” This is something the Lord is telling me to do and I am learning, slowly…very slowly but surely, applying to my life. My emotions ravage so quickly and seem to knock me down. As you later eloquently stated, “We must cling to the cross of Jesus Christ and to His promises. He does not falter when our emotions run circles around our hearts. His view of us does not change…ever. We will always be His children. As His beloved daughters we can become the women HE wants us to be!” My emotions do run circles around my heart at times!! But I will remember as you said that HE does not falter. His view of me does not change, even when my view of me changes. What encouragement and hope to know this! Thank you for the truth you have shared with us!
Also, I too love music! It’s an amazing way that God speaks his encouragement and truth to me! I listen to christian songs at work to re-focus on Him and his promises, often singing the same song over and over in my head for it to sink in!
God bless you and the awesome work you are doing to further His kingdom.
Our Father blesses us in such incredible ways! I just love how He brings comfort and reassurance through seemingly little things like you said, an email, devotion, and music, all tying together a message from His heart to ours.. I hope His peace continues to rest in your heart, even when emotions can get a little nutty. Thank God He remains the same and so does His love for His children!
I cannot believe how true all of this rings in my life. In fact I started counseling with a new christian counselor that specializes in food disorders (extreme obsessive compulsive eating) and we have been discovering connections with past sexual abuse that I never considered a part of my current struggles. After all, it happened way long ago and I have acknowledged it to others. Hmmm………. I have never read the book but have been curious about it. Now I am excited about it.
Sounds like you and your counselor are making headway. I pray that as you continue to unpack your past, God would reveal anything that is hidden so that complete healing can begin.
When i started reading this book, i thought i was ok, but revelations through His Spirit have shown me otherwise! He helped me see myself more clearly and who Father God desires me to become! I want to be who He wants! I am trusting Father to hold me to His plan for me. I must listen to His voice more and more.
Yes! God’s story through Renee’s life has a powerful way of helping us see who we are through the eyes of God! Praying that as you continue to dig deeper into His Word, you will see yourself more and more clearly.
I have never shared my thoughts online before. I was searching for comfort yesterday when I came upon Renee’s page and signed up for emails. I just opened my email and read this story and literally was unable to breath for a second. I am amazed how God led me to where and what I needed at the right moment.
I come searching for comfort for the same situation. I too was sexually assaulted when I was younger and then last year I was raped and was in the hospital for three days needing two blood transfusions. My life was ripped apart from me when my 6 year old was temporarily taken from me in fear this person would return. I lived back in a wooded area with no houses around me. I was forced to move into a safe house and then to a new home. I totally gave up on God and tried to handle things my way which almost eneded my life. I took too many pills and was on life support for three days.
Thank you Heather for your story. I needed that desperately. With the support of my church, they have helped me to remain faithful and trust in God with everything no matter how tough life gets. I have been faithfully reading God’s word and in prayer, allowing God to lead me in the right direction, and look where it lead me. It is amazing how God works. I think with a little more time I will be able to be as confident as you. Thank you again for your story, as it hit my heart at the right time.
Heather, my heart breaks to read what you’ve been through, but I thank God for giving you a supportive church home with members of the body of Christ who are walking with you through this. Have you ever heard of Wendy Blight? Her story of God’s powerful transformation in her life made a huge difference in mine. I would encourage you to visit her website: http://www.wendyblight.com and pick up a copy of her book Hidden Joy in a Dark Corner.
I pray that God would continue to pour out His healing into your life.
Heather, I am so deeply sad and heart broken to hear what you have been through. I would love to send you a copy of Wendy Blight’s book. As Heather shared, Wendy was also violently raped and her book will speak to the depths of your heart. Please email me at [email protected] with your address if you wouldn’t mind me sending this to you.
Soo thankful for the Body of Christ that is surrounding you with love and prayer. You can heal friend. It will take time but Jesus has healing for you. Praying for you!!
Thank you Renee for twitting this post. I felt so related to Heather’s story. I have the best parents in the world, but for some reason I have always felt empty. I have known Jesus for a period of eight years. I have seen His miraculous hand over me so many times, but I still struggle with a lot of things, and my heart is full of darkness. I have battled with my weight for a long time, and when Heather said she spent days without eating, well, I know how that is. I also know what it is to spent day after day eating until you’re sick, and also vomiting because you ate too much. Oh, and other thing that reminded me of my personal story is the fact that Heather sings, and I sing as well. I am part of the worship team in my church, and I’m actually majoring in music, but I still have a lot to learn, I am not very good. Thank you for bringing light into my heart. 🙂
I love to hear that you are pursuing a music major. There’s always so much to learn, but God will be faithful to show you what direction to take. I hope that you will begin to see yourself through God’s eyes, a beautifully made child of the King of kings.
I appreciate you sharing your testimony. You have dealt with your pain and past in such a healthy way. I am still struggling to do that.
I grew up in a Pastor’s home and knew all of the right answers, yet I had low self confidence, sought attention from guys and ended up making bad choices. I was clinically depressed and made an attempt on my life my Junior year. I did better for awhile, but married too early to someone who was addicted to pornography. He cheated on me and left me after only one year of marriage. So there I was, a Pastor’s daughter, working in ministry at the church, but divorced at 22 years old. I felt like a failure. But God brought a wonderful man into my life and I got married again and have been married for 12 years. We tried having children, but I couldn’t ever get pregnant, and somehow I felt punished for my past indiscretions, even though others told me that wasn’t the case. I also felt I wasn’t good enough for my husband and that he could have had children had he married someone else.
We were blessed through adoption with our wonderful son, and we are trying to adopt again, but that is such a difficult journey. It just always seems like everything is done the “hard way” for me. I know I just sound like a whiney baby… but I don’t feel I have truly ever processed my pain and what has happened to me the right way. I think I still feel like I have “done something bad” to deserve all of this and I keep trying to “do better” so better things will happen. I sound ridiculous I know. I wish I could the truths of this book through to my head and heart the way you have. I pray that some day I will. I am really trying very hard to do that.
Thank you for putting yourself out there in this way. And thank you Renee for writing a book like this. I am really believing that this time I will find my way out of these feelings. God bless you both.
Shawna, understand how you are feeling. There were many times when my past got the best of me and those feelings of brokenness would return along with shame and guilt that weren’t mine. What kept me grounded was God’s Word. I would repeat verses, reminding myself that I was no longer broken, but made new in Christ. The shame and guilt were lies from the enemy and though he tried to imprint them on my heart, God’s Word replaced them with His Truth. Perhaps working through your emotions with a Christian counselor would help. Sometimes, what is needed is godly counsel to help us process everything from the outside. I’ll be praying Shawna.
Heather, I’m so glad the devil’s hot breath was no match for the Word of God!
That would be inconceivable Rachel! I look forward to seeing you at She Speaks next week!
Heather: What a terrific testimony. God has been leading me to begin a ministry/law firm that will bring God’s truth and healing to women and families that have been devastated by sexual assault, addiction and other evils, bringing light to their darkness. God keeps sending me stories like yours as reminders of what needs to be done for His children and His glory.
You are an inspiration and testament to His power.
May He continue to bless you richly.
Mary McAlister
Providence Justice Group
Mary, may God make your path clear as you seek to follow His will. There is such a need for healing in this and other areas that many keep hidden. May you be a vessel for His healing in the lives of others!
Dear Mary M.
I praise God for you! I am praying that God would lead and direct me and use me as I too feel a passion to help women who have survived sexual assault by using the legal field (I am an attorney). I love the name, “Providence Justice Group.” You too are an inspiration! God bless you and your work for His Kingdom!
Natalie
Natalie, Thank you for your response. I’m an attorney as well. I’m been working for a nonprofit, but I have sensed that they have lost their way and that God is calling me to go out on my own. A very scary thought for me as the family’s breadwinner and for someone who is used to a regular paycheck. but He is faithful and is the true Provider. Would love to keep in touch. My email is [email protected].
Blessings,
Mary
heheh jak sobie poczytała co piszesz z Kamilą (a wiem, że jest fajnie zaonęckra:D) To powiem Ci, że Twoja mama będzie miała z Wami wesoło, oj bardzo wesolo Dobranoc Kolorowych snów
Heather Thank you so much for sharing your life stories , hurts , wounds. With the encouragment that God has redeemed you and made you new. Praise the Lord. I had claimed this scripture Jerimiah 29:11 for my young daughter (Beth) shortly after her ex-boyfriend sexually assaulted her and she became the victim of dating abuse. As a mother I was hurting deeply. As I know our heavenly father grieves for us. It is a long hard road and she is only 18. I know our Lord has a plan for her life. I continue to encourage her and hold her up in Prayer. Thank you for your lifes work and helping girls/women understand that they have no shame in abuse. God bless you sister!
Your daughter is blessed to have a mother who will walk with her through this time of healing. I pray that God would continue to strengthen you as well as you support your precious daughter.
Thank you Heather. I was just telling a young woman I work with today that her past does not dictate her future, God does. That there is healing possible from anxiety and depression, and that God wants to restore her. I can speak those words to her because they have been true in my own life. Your words brought tears to my eyes but security to my heart. We can do ALL things through Christ who gives us strength!!!!
Amen! I pray your words touched the young woman you work with, so that she too would know the security we have in Christ.
I love what you wrote here Heather. It spoke so very much to me today. Touched my heart & brought tears to my eyes. I needed that today. Thank you for sharing your story.
I am thankful you stopped by today Tricia and thankful that God’s story in my life has touched your heart.
Oh wow – I am here in tears. Heather you had already touched my soul and heart in this Bible Study reminding me so much of my daughter and what God has done in her life, but now I am truly touched of about you have allowed God to do in your life. Sweet child you are so beautiful and you REALLY are touching hearts and lives in your ministry. My favorite speaker in the world right now is Beth Moore and she had a similar experience not to the depth you did. I am so thankful that God sent her and you into my very old life to minister to me. Thank you for sharing your story and yes I still have tears rolling down my face – so very sorry you had to go thru this pain but God always uses the pain if we let Him to make us a better person. Bless you young lady and many blessings to that precious baby on the way who is privileged to have a Mom that loves the Lord the way you do!
God does use every pain and every joy for His purpose in our lives. Looking back, I wouldn’t change a thing, even the hard stuff, because God had a plan for it all along. I look forward to this next season of life as I prepare for mommy-hood!
The part that says: pretending nothing happened.
Isn’t that just what the world wants us to do, pretend it never happen, especially if it is family related abuse.
Hide it, stop crying over it, forget it and just get over it!
It is like the story in the Bible about poor Tamar and her brother who raped her. David never acknowledged the hurt, the pain or sorrow she was feeling inside.
God is the only one who can lift us up from the pain we are experiencing.
His Word is a comfort in the time of need. Praise the Lord!
He is our Hope!
How truly wonderful to know that God sees and knows even our hidden pains! We are truly blessed by a God who loves us so much that He steps down from his throne to hold us in His arms!
Wow! That’s all I can say. This is exactly what my broken heart needed today.
I am thankful that this touched your heart today Stephanie. God is faithful to provide what is needed, when it is needed most.
Heather,
Your story is astounding. Your honesty and vulnerability touched my soul. Although I ache for you, I know that it is in the redemption of your story that God has been able to use you to touch others through your words, compassion and heart for God. It is through great pain that we can find great hope. You have been such an inspiration to me and, like Stephanie stated, the revealing of your story speaks volumes to your true heart.
I literally began bawling because I could see myself in so many elements of your story. I’ve sang since I was a child and I remember riding my bicycle down back roads or to the beach and singing without a care in the world who heard me. And, I laughed when you spoke about Celine Dion because that was my dream which led me to show choir and dreams that I would become another Joni Mitchell until I failed at the guitar. Yet, I have been broken in so many ways since then and I could just feel the pain that you must have endured. Isn’t it wonderful to find a God that will allow us to sing again? To dream again? To find a new purpose for our lives simply by drawing closer to Him?
Thank you for sharing your story. I know it must have been difficult but it touched me so greatly. God has given you a great gift of compassion and love for others. Thank you for inspiring me today to have more courage and begin projects that the Lord has been beckoning me towards for some time. It is in the pain and the struggle that God can be glorified and I am so thankful that you followed His will for your life. Love you dear sister!
I am praying that as you begin answering His call, that you will be blessed beyond measure by how He moves through you!
HEATHER,
The way God uses you amazes and blows me away. I love your heart and amazed at the amount of love it contains not only for Jesus but for everyone else. Thank you for sharing your life, your heart and your love of God with us. I absolutely love this paragraph ….. “We don’t have to be confident in ourselves rather, we must have confidence in God’s love. Confident that He sees us; He knows our hurts and where is needed. He also knows our whole story and how it fits into the lives of others.”
Thanks for saying Yes to God, sharing your story and being such an amazing example of a woman after God’s own heart!! Love ya and can’t wait to see you and rub your belly! ;0)
God truly is amazing. He knows exactly where healing is needed in our lives and never fails to send our rescue. He gives us purpose for everything we have ever gone through, we simply have to have faith and trust in Him to say yes!
Heather! I have heard bits and pieces of your story before but never like this. Wow! Girl you are amazing, and as you know, serve an amazing God. What a story of redemption. It’s seems strange that knowing all your junk makes me love you even more – but it does! Those things Satan convinces us to hide can be the very things that draws anothers heart close to ours and reminds us that we are not alone. Thank you so much for sharing this Heather! Love you so much and can’t wIt to hug you and bb next week!!!!! Love! Steph
Thank you so much for stopping by Stephanie! I am so excited about hugging you next week at She Speaks! There will be squeals of joy, that much is for sure :D.
Heather,
Praise God for your trust & strength through the many tragedies in your life. What a light you have become. As others have said sharing your life & heart is such an encouragement.
Thank you!!!!!!