“Should I be honest?” I wondered. “What if I start crying? What if she doesn’t really have time to listen? What if she is just asking to be nice? I could keep it simple and tell her I’m fine.”
There I was, standing in the lobby at church waiting for my husband, when an old friend walked up and asked how I was doing. Our then three-year-old daughter had been diagnosed with a severe speech disorder a few weeks earlier, and I was not “fine.”
I was exhausted. I was overwhelmed. I was afraid my little girl may never be able to talk.
Yet I felt like I shouldn’t be any of those things. I should have more faith, more stamina, more strength and courage to navigate the unknown path of special needs parenting.
Sometimes it’s hard to let people know how we’re really doing because we don’t want to be high maintenance, right? We don’t want anyone to feel sorry for us. Or we fear that if we’re honest, someone might perceive our struggle as a lack of faith.
Other times we don’t let people know how we’re really doing because we assume they’re only asking to be nice and don’t really have time to listen. And what if we’re honest but it gets awkward because they don’t know what to say?
Sometimes someone sincerely wants to know and we just don’t want to tell them. That is the place where things get tricky for me. I will tell people I’m fine even when I’m not, because I want to be.
I don’t want to be weak and broken. I want to be okay. I want to feel strong, resilient, and courageous.
And that is where I stood that day in the lobby at church. Everything in me wanted to keep my guard up, keep my heart sealed off and my lips sealed tight. But I was tired of hiding and pretending. So I took a risk and let my heart, my words, and my tears spill. I shared the hard parts of Aster’s countless assessments, unexpected diagnosis, and the heartache of not knowing her future.
Although Kelly probably had places to go, she stayed with me and listened. She grabbed some tissue when the tears started down my cheeks, and asked if there was anything she could do to help.
When I wanted to be strong, God showed me the powerful gift of being weak.
Paul describes what happens when God allows struggles that make us feel weak. And what God does in our weakness when we’re willing to rely on Christ. How God’s power comes and rests on us.
Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:7 NIV
Paul had been struggling and asking God to take away the pain. But somehow he realized and accepted that God allowed the hardship to continue to protect him from pride and the danger of becoming self-sufficient.
There’s nothing that can hinder community and friendships more than us not needing each other. Like Paul, I think God wants us to become more comfortable with our weaknesses because it keeps us dependent on Him and needing each other.
We don’t need to keep pretending we’re fine. What we need, to have and to be, is a friend who says “you don’t have to be strong all the time.” A friend who gives us permission to be weak and remind us of the truth we so easily forget: God’s power shows up in our weakness when we’re willing to be real about our struggles and our need for His strength.
Before we went our separate ways, Kelly asked if she could pray for me, right there in the lobby at church. Afterwards she thanked me for telling her what was really going on, and told me that knowing I didn’t have life all figured out made her feel normal.
God is able to work His grace and His strength in our weakness. When we’re willing to be weak, He gets to be strong for us. When we’re willing to be real, others get to see, pray for and get to know the “real” us and the real God we so desperately need and love.
One of our deepest God-given longings is to be known, by Him and each other. I’m so excited to celebrate the launch of Craving Connection, my new all time favorite book about the beautiful, vulnerable, hard and holy gift of friendship. Grateful to have my heart and my story tucked in these pages with thirty other friends from the inCourage community who took turns writing each chapter for you. If you want to invest in meaningful relationships right where God has you, become the friend you wish we had, and embrace the desire God has placed in you to connect with friends, you are going to LOVE this book!
BOOK GIVEAWAY: In partnership with DaySpring’s inCourage and Broadman & Holman publishers, we’re giving away 6 copies of Craving Connection!! Three of you will receive t books – one to keep and one to give a friend.
ENTER TO WIN:
- SHARE this post – on Facebook, Twitter and/or Instagram using the hashtag #CravingConnection and @ReneeSwope.
- SHARE your thoughts under this post, and let me know who you’d like to give a copy to.Winners will be randomly chosen next week and notified via email. If you are reading this via email, click here to leave a comment on my blog. All entries must be entered on my blog for participation in the drawing.
Today’s post is a partial excerpt of my chapter in Craving Connection, a new book written by 30 different women from the inCourage community,
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I appreciate the reminder that sometimes all we need to do is listen and pray with someone — we don’t have to have an answer. Just stand with them. Just be there
I would love a copy of this book! I am an open book so everyone knows my situations. I would love to give a copy to my friend. I am praying for her to trust God and to KNOW Him. Maybe reading everyone’s chapter will help! Thank you!?
I would share with my adult children, whom I love dearly and am still trying to get the parenting thing right with. Grateful for His Grace.
This is so timely for me because I made a commitment this year to connect more with other ladies to develop relationships as God directs. We truly do need one another. I would definitely give a copy to my sister because she really craves connection.
Just before I “LOOKED AND READ” about friends and responses…I noted this..#1 register with Kum & Go app., #2 Swipe your card, scan your phone on every purchase. #3 Track your points at kumandgo.com/rewards #4 Reward yourself with free drinks, free food and fuel discounts with every 250 points. And at the bottom of the instructions it stated..”GET THE APP THAT DOES IT ALL…IT DOESN’T GET ANY EASIER! What IF our friendships were set-up like this = 4 steps w/ rewards? I feel that our steps as genuine friends need our awesome God with us, listening skills, honesty, realness…I have my “ups and downs” as well as do my friends. This book could help me as well as .I am thinking of one of my particular Christian friends who seems to “BATTLE ONE PROBLEM AFTER ANOTHER. I wish for her to know she is a real, honest, strong, loving friend who has power to “GET TO THE POSITIVE REWARDS FOR HER AS WELL AS ME = GOD DOES IT ALL = IT DOESN’T GET ANY EASIER” AMEN AND AMEN!!
I recently let myself be vulnerable and shared with my small group that I really don’t have any close friends. I have put on that smiling face, but inside craved someone to be deeply honest with. My heart craves connection.
I have a friend who always asks how I am, but never will share her heart. I think this might help her.
Relationships have been a challenge for me. Sometimes sharing too much and then closing myself off. God is showing me that community is important-I am part of the Body of Christ-I need you and you need me and we both need Jesus. Being vulnerable is hard when there is a pile of past hurts stored up in my heart. Being vulnerable is hard when I’ve already judged myself that I should have more faith by this time in my life, I should be more mature, have things more together….
I am so thankful that you open yourself up to us because it helps us to feel that we are not alone with our feelings or failures. I am always pretending I am fine with the big smile on my face and so many times it is not true. I am enjoying the study with you on A Confident Heart Devotional and I also just purchased the book. I think Craving Connection will help me and if I don’t win a copy, I will purchase one.
I have a hard time admitting that I am not fine. That I have issues I struggle with. I don’t want to be perceived as needy or weak. I am trying to work on being connected to others to be able to do this. Thanks for sharing yourself in this area.
Thank you for being the vessel for which God reaches us deep in our hearts. I have your book Confident Heart and it helped me grow closer to God in so many ways. This post today has helped me so much in the midst of my pain. Right before Christmas my husband announced he no longer wanted to be married. It’s all happening too fast and there is so much pain. This devotional from Craving Connection is perfect for right where I am. It’s hard for me to open up to others and be vulnerable at a time like this but I know God has a greater plan. I’m resting in Him. Thank you. I’m praying for this book. I also have a sister who could really use the words this book has to touch her life as well.
Thank you for sharing the friends response! Often I am at a loss as to how to respond when I ask “How are you?” and the friend needs to peel back layers of “fine” honestly. Words to remember…. Pray with them then and there…. truly THANK them for sharing their heart…. and telling them , ” their honesty helps you feel normal … we all have a story, just some of us are blessed enough to get to hear others!
I pray that God will make me into the friend that can graciously say to my friends, “You don’t have to be strong all the time,” and will deal tenderly with their weaknesses, with acceptance and without judgment or fear.
I am currently in a study of 2 Corinthians and focusing on when I am weak then I am strong. Society today pounces on our weakness and exploits it to break us. I feel this book can help me to break downs walls and learn to open up and see that it’s ok when I do. I have 3 friends that I would love to see take this journey with me!
Alice Rea
I have a real problem confiding in my friends. But just over a year ago, my husband of 50 years died, and I have many issues that keep me from being content. I would love to be able to share these thoughts with a friend, but haven’t had the courage! Thank you for telling me about your book.
I have a friend who is dealing with daily struggles of a child with aspergers. She struggles to find a connection with someone from her church. She is real and yet doesn’t feel the support you did from your friend. I’d love to encourage her through this book!
So often I feel so alone and no humans to connect with. I cry out my pain to God in the morning asking for His strength in dealing with my anger and frustration. I would share this with a friend who is currently incarcerated.
This really spoke to me because I fake fine all the time. I think what I feel doesn’t matter and my struggle is not
Important; others have so much more going on than I do. Thank you for sharing and a definite book for me to read.
Currently a friend and I am going through a lot separately feeling weak. Just this part of the book has encouraged me that it’s ok. I am going to share it with her too. Thank you for sharing your story and I cannot wait to read this book
I find it amazing how God worked in your mind in being vulnerable to others. I admired how you stated that we can allow ourselves to have friends that comfort us in tough times and how the true power is on God. There are always going to be tough times in life and it is important to understand that God will be by your side. If I had the privilege of receiving the copy, Craving Connection, I would give it to one of my closest friends who I go to church and school with. This is an uplifting blog that will encourage me when I find myself in this situation.