Yesterday my heart was longing to talk with Jesus about the many thoughts and emotions that were tumbling through my mind, creating a few knots in my heart. I felt like I needed to write it all out so I asked mom to watch Aster, and I went to a friends house. She works so it’s just me and her dog, Cody.
Today as I prepared to post on my blog the results of my biopsy, I felt the Lord nudging me to share some of what I wrote in my journal before I got the call:
Lord, what will I do if I have cancer? How will I respond? What changes will it bring? What treatment will we be facing?
You know my mind is also wondering if the results are negative, will I trust You with that? Will I believe that You answered my prayer when I begged You to reveal ANY cancer if there was some, asking that You not let the Dr. miss anything.
Father, my heart is in wobbly place – teetering between hope and fear.
Please infuse my soul with faith to believe and confidence to trust Your ways and Your timing. Jesus, I don’t want cancer. I don’t want to settle for believing that it’s my destiny just because it’s in my history. The past doesn’t define my future – You do.
You are the One Who knows the plans YOU have for me: plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me a future and a hope. Oh, Jesus. This is my hope – that You are good. That You are loving. That You are ABLE and willing to heal and restore. To redeem and remake.
Father, I stand at the altar like Abraham, offering my body to You. I know I must lay it down before You and be willing to become a vessel that You can use for Your glory. Through whatever circumstances You allow. Like so many other times before, it’s in my suffering that I see and share in Your glory. Resurrection power only comes after life surrendered.
And isn’t that what I was made for? To lay down my life for You, like You laid down Your life for me. Jesus, make me a willing vessel to surrender and rest in YOU no matter what. Whether it be a yes or no – I pray that You will keep my heart in perfect peace because my mind is steadfast as I trust in You.
No matter what this biopsy brings, may You find me faithfully available to lay it all down before you as a sacrificial offering of PRAISE!
Then, as soon as I typed that exclamation point, my cell phone rang. I knew by the number on my caller ID it was the hospital. My heart stopped beating. And then I answered.
“How are you?” The Dr. asked.
“I’m good.” I said. (I’d just been to the altar with GOD, and I really meant it!)
“Yes, you are. You are really good, Renee – all of your results were negative. Your biopsy is benign!”
Tears filled my eyes. Thankfulness. Praise. Excitement. Peace and joy filled my heart. And then God gave me the gift of an already planned evening surrounded by family and new friends.
This morning I woke up with such a sense of RELIEF!! The weight of my world had been lifted off my shoulders. I laid in bed thanking God for all the decisions we don’t have to make now. All the plans we don’t have to rearrange and all the sadness we don’t have to endure.
Then I thought about those I know, and don’t know, who have prayed for another test or diagnosis and didn’t get results they hoped and prayed for. Those who are living with pain and wrestling with surrender.
That’s when I sensed that God wanted me to share this part of my heart’s journey, too. Yes, I am so thankful for the test results, but even more so I am forever grateful that God moved my heart to a place of trust before I knew what the answer would be. You see, if I hadn’t surrendered, I might still be afraid that cancer was still hidden that they didn’t find.
But I couldn’t get to this place of surrender on my own. I had to talk with my Father and my Savior about how I was feeling. He knew where my heart had to go first before it could get to the place of confident trust. He bent down to listen and then He took my hand and led my heart to the altar.
I don’t know why God wanted me to invite you to stand with me here in the place of sweet surrender. But I know He did, and I am praying that somehow it’s helps you trust Him more with all of your own doubts, fears, disapponitments, pain, hopes and dreams.
Happy New Year friend! The best is yet to be ~ I’m counting on it!!!
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Renee, this is so beautiful. I have written a very similar surrender in the past. It wasn't easy…the letting go…the abandoning of the road I wanted to travel for the one the Lord may have prepared. God stood at the point of crossroads and held the outcome back as I wrestled with which way my heart was going to go. I too, through many tears, chose His path, whatever that would involve, knowing He would never leave me or forsake me on the journey. Before the results came, I too struggled with believing their accuracy, wondering if the Dr's might miss something. I had to remind myself that I had prayed that if anything at all needed to be found, that the tests would reveal and detect.
I have been rejoicing with you Renee. I pray that as I surrender to each uncertainty and each trial, that the Lord is having His way in me.
Love ya my friend,
Joy
Dear Renee
Praise God!
Thank you for inviting me to stand with you in the place of sweet surrender. The tears of joy
are rolling down my cheeks. I have learned to be stronger through your journey, I have learned to really trust My Lord more.
Thank you, thank you.
Your Friend
Winsome
(Jamaica W.I.)
TO GOD BE THE GLORY IN JESUS NAME!!!
Gloria Jones
AMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Our God is AWESOME! Thank you for all you do, you have definitely pulled me up when I was way down… you have no idea just how much God has used you! You are here for a purpose and God isn’t done with you yet!!!!!!!!!!!
Loretta A. Gibbs
YAY!! What wonderful news!
Praise God for the good results! I have been away for the holiday break and have not read emails so I came be back to all of your posts. I am sorry I didn't know about it to pray for you but now I can pray for the good news you received. : )
Nanci
Renee! I am so happy for you. I am thankful that God gave you this answer and that He lead you on the journey He did! He loves us so much! Blessings, Kelly
Renee,
Those that love you are experiencing sweet relief, too!
I hope that you enjoyed The Blind Side. I thought so often of my friends who have adopted children of their hearts who don't resembled the children of their bodies.:) Your giving spirit inspires me!
Love you!
Amy
Wow, now that is amazing 😉
My youth pastor said he has something on his forehead and doesn't know if it's skin cancer or something else. Please pray for him. he said he'll get the results in like two weeks.
Such good news and such a good lesson on surrendering all to God. My sister has been diagnosed with ocular melanoma and is having surgery this coming Friday. I am trying to surrender this one to God. I lost another sister to liver failure two years ago and can't even imagine going through that again. You have given me hope and I know that God is in control whatever happens.
Great Word Renee! God is good isn't He. I am looking forward to seeing Him at work in your life and ministry next year! It will be a crazy ride huh?!!
xoxo
pat
Beautiful prayers come from beautiful hearts.
I'm happy for you that the Lord's plan doesn't include cancer at this time.
Jean
http://www.jeanmatthewhall.com
Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now keep it up!
It is certainly interesting for me to read that post. Thanx for it. I like such topics and everything that is connected to them. I definitely want to read a bit more soon.