I know, I disappeared again. I’ve been living in the land of the blahs and I didn’t want to lure you guys there. It’s hard to write when you have nothing encouraging to say!
I’ve felt a heaviness over me ever since we moved into our new house. I didn’t recognize what was going on until this week but I’ve been oppressed spiritually, physically and emotionally. We have been in survival mode and it’s not a good place. God moved us here for a bigger reason than we even know and there’s someone jumping on every opportunity to get us down. I am trying my best to pray through it, believe through it, fight through it and move through it; but let me tell ya, what I want to do is sleep through it!!!
There have been non-stop demands, unexpected needs and mini-crises every day that are exhausting me. I got sick last week with asthma which really wore me down until I got meds this week. Yesterday, Andrew got poison ivy all over his face and near his eyes which meant another trip to Urgent Care. The Dr. prescribed the wrong form of meds (he can’t do liquids b/c he gags) so I had to make two trips to the store after a long day of driving everywhere. I’ve been running back and forth to school and the drug store to get him, to get meds, to get year-end supplies for classroom parties, teacher gifts, etc.
JJ and I have both been battling doubts (mainly tied to his work/my speaking). We haven’t been taking time to talk about it and didn’t even know until this week that we’re both going through the same hard stuff spiritually and emotionally. We’d spent so much time together the past two months praying, planning and working together to get moved that we got used to just talking as we went. Now we’re in our new home and working separately to get different parts of the house set-up and guess what, you cannot communicate in different parts of the house.
Plus he’s had to work A LOT of late night, has been discouraged about some things and has been sick with a cold, too. Last week he slept upstairs two nights b/c we was coughing so badly. This week we realized that a wall was being erected between constructed by bricks of frustration, disconnection, unmet expectations, opposing opinions on kid stuff, etc. A perfect set-up for the blahs and impending doom. Finally, last night after a heated discussion we prayed and confessed to God that we are too small to handle all that is going on. Honestly, we’re slap worn out!
On top of all that, I found out that someone I love has been sentenced to 10 years in prison and it is breaking my heart. I’ve been a prisoner to depression and darkness in my past which only makes it harder to imagine a sentence of 10 years behind bars. I know God is God and in control, but my heart is still very heavy and sad.
Then I feel guilty as I think about how completely and indescribably blessed we are by all that God has done in our lives and provided for us – why can’t my thankfulness bring me out of the pit? Then I remember David and Solomon and I stop beating myself up, knowing that material blessings can’t rescue me from defeat and discouragement. So I wonder how I can do what God has called me to do in the coming weeks in the state I am in…
Then Jesus comes, and He rescues me. He draws me to Himself, He turns my eyes away from my circumstances and emotions, and reminds me of His promises that have been my light when the shadows of doubt threatened my hope in the past. And He whispers, “You are…” (read below to see what He whispered to my heart and what He whispers to you now…)
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Sometimes we need to fight
through ourselves to get where He wants us next. Life catches up with us–praying He multiplies your time, orders your days and revives your spirit.
Renee:
I walked a similar road not long ago. Days when my desperation could no longer find its voice but only its tears.
Life spins fast, and emotions unravel with the rotation. It doesn’t mean that life is bad. It simply means that life is hard. And without Christ, life for me would be unbearable.
When I walked in the valley a few weeks ago, I kept rereading the story of Jesus appearing to his disciples after his resurrection…the time when he simply mediated his presence through a locked door and spoke the truth that their hearts so desperately needed.
Peace.
The visual that creates was enough to calm my worried and fretful state. I just kept repeating God’s truth…
Jesus you are my peace. Jesus, you are my peace. He was faithful to come…locked door and all.
That is the prayer I will pray for you as I lay my weary head to rest this night.
Jesus, be Renee’s peace at this very moment. Amen.
~elaine
Sick of me yet? Yeah, I’m back. I forgot to say thanks for hanging out and getting to know me on my blog. It’s always fun to discover other women out there who can appreciate the rediculousness that is me. And now I’ve made up a word. And spelled it wrong. On Renee Swopes blog.
I’m going now. I promise to stop commenting. For tonight.
Hi Renee,
I just deleted that comment above because I’m on my sisters computer and it posted as her name. How confusing.
Thanks for your encouraging comment over at chatting at the sky. Survival mode has been my middle name the past few months as we’ve been moving, so I totally hear you on that. It’s easy to forget to remember the victory that is our in Christ, isn’t it?
I look forward to meeting you at She Speaks. I’ll be the one with the double jointed hitch hiker thumb. You’ll spot me right away.
You are exactly what God created you to be, a wonderful encourager, uplifter and carrier of many others. I am praying for you to come through quickly. You are a treasured friend.
I know this conference is going to be unbelievable with everything God is going to do.
Renee, at times when you’re worn out, sick, and life is so hectic it’s so easy to let those negative thoughts creep in. Remember, Satan came to Jesus in the desert after Jesus had fasted for 40 days, not when He was having a mountaintop experience. My husband says, “When fatigue comes in, faith goes out.” I’m praying that life begins to look a little more normal soon, but in the mean time God’s strength will be made perfect in your weakness. Also, if you’re being attacked in this way this close to She Speaks it’s a sure sign of great things to come!
I love your transparency! Yes…”you are”! My 4 year old tells me daily that I am a masterpiece!
Thank you for being so real.For letting us know that even KNOWING God we sometimes feel alone. That getting out of the pit sometimes looks impossible.
Here is one of my favorite storys:
The donkey had fallen into a deep pit and it looked hopeless to the farmer. The farmer did everything to try an get him out but couldn’t. So he gave up and called the town folks to help bury the donkey,for he was going to die anyway.
The town folks began to throw dirt on top of the donkey and with every shovel of dirt that would hit the donkey’s back it became heavy.
The donkey felt like there was no future in ever getting out of the pit but he also became very irritated with the dirt that was on his back.So each time when the dirt fell on his back ,he would shake it off and put it under his feet. After a short while he realized that the very thing that was going to crush him could be the tool to his freedom.
Within a few hours,he had reached the top of the pit by stomping the dirt under his feet. The farmer reached down,lifted him out of the pit and the town folks rejoiced.
Renee,start stomping that dirt under your feet and reach for God’s hand to pull you out.
I hope that so encouraged you,
Tammy
Renee…I do not know exactly what you are going through. I sure am glad our Loving Father does.
One thing I do know is that when I am preparing to speak about a topic, it seems that the preceding weeks are always a huge testing time with that very thing. Over time, I have chosen to look at these times as God’s way of assuring the authenticity of the message. After all, I have had to completely rely upon Him in that area. (And I always seem to come away with the exact personal stories to use in the presentation too.) Hope this can encourage you.
Praying you through to the other side,
Kristen M.
Renee…may God’s blessings be upon you and your family today and everyday in a mighty and thunderous way.
When you are in a place where God wants you to be, you can be assured that the devil will try to bulldoze his way in the door and take up residence right where he doesn’t belong. I know it’s not much comfort, but understand that you are where you are supposed to be…that’s why you are being attacked from every angle. Lean on God and know that with Him, brick walls built by you and your husband will be knocked down with a whisper of a prayer.
Prayers and Blessings.
Rebecca
Renee,
Just wanted you to know that I am praying for you. I just sent you a long email. May you feel God’s love in a special way today.
Blessings,
Jodie
Hey Sweet Friend,
Well, seems like more lessons and stories, and of course scripture for your message on doubt!
I love you and praying for you daily. I pray you will feel the peace of his love with his arms wrapped around you in the coming days.
Hugs,
Margaret
We are all faced with daily challenges and temptations, but I really feel that when GOD has something BIG going on in our lives it also makes us a bigger target for the evils of this world. They are never happier than when they can torment us with doubt, differences of opinion, or just plain lack of energy. Like I always tell my children, GOD and His angels are always with us. Keep Believing!
You are so precious and your transparency is an encouragement to all who know you and read your words. What an amazing time and awesome testimony you’ll have for SheSpeaks. It’s just like LeAnn wrote about on her blog. The enemy is on double duty when God is about to rock the house.
Continuing to pray for you and your family,
Paula G.
Renee…
I’ll be praying for you over the coming days. I agree with Amy’s awesome analogy about the moon!
2 Corinthians 3:18
“And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.”
I like Amy’s reference to the moon–even though it “only” reflects back the light of the sun, it still illuminates the darkness. You might not be able to find the light inside right now, but you will continue to reflect His light and that will bring illumination into dark places. May God give you peace and rest in the next few days.
Mary
Renee – I too, have been in that pit, and it STINKS! I know that through God and your willingness to come out, YOU WILL GET OUT! I believe that what you are going through is just an attempt by the enemy to keep you and your family from walking in the blessings God has for you. I don’t know all you’re doing right now, but you and your husband are creating a loving and safe environment for your family (home), and you are part of something (She Speaks) that is about to change hundreds of women’s lives and equip them to go out and tell others about Jesus and what He has done for them.
You are taking new ground, new territory, and satan doesn’t like it. Just stand firm and know that God is faithful, He is with you, and wants you victorious! He will give you everything you need to win!
I know you are busy, but I want to recommend a podcast/video that will encourage you. It’s about taking new territory and I think it will encourage you. It’s from a church planters conference I attended in April, at the ARC – Association of Related Churches. Here’s the link:
http://www.allaccessconference.com/
Choose Main Session – Chris Hodges. He was the first speaker and really set the tone for the others.
Although he is a pastor addressing pastors and church planters, what he had to say still applies to us as individuals who are doing great things for God!
I hope it encourages you, and ignites something inside of you that is far greater than that pit you are in. Praying for you and expectant of what God is going to do!
Laura B
Prayed for you just now! Bless your heart!
I am praying for you and cannot wait to see you at She Speaks. I would love to have lunch or something with you sometime, but I know you will be swamped. But it we coudl work it out.
I had this hope thought the other night driving home from work. It’s on my blog, but I’ll put it here as well: When I was a child, I was disappointed to discover that the moon was just a giant rock that didn’t even have it’s own light. It seemed so large in the dark sky that there had to be more to it than that. It dawned on me tonight that there really might be more to it than that. The moon reflects the sun’s light. Perhaps God placed it there in it’s reflective capacity to remind us that even in the dark of night the sun is still shining.
When that darkness pulls at you look around and see what God has put forth to remind us of hope — the mood, the new buds on a tree, whatever it is. God gives us daily reminders of his love and care. I am praying that he showers you with that at this moment.
In the mdist of that, please pray for my prep. I am way behind schedule! Sigh.
Renee…this post is EXACTLY what my Pastor has spoken about in church the last two weeks. One message was titled, “Learning in the Be-wilderness” and the next was “Where is your refuge?”. Both were lessons from the life of David.
Praying God will send people into your life to encourage you; that you’ll have more glimpses of His glory; that He will continue to intervene – that you’ll have a divine diversion. God is your refuge (Ps. 142:5) – He is your resting place. He will continue to rescue you.
I’ve been too weary in the past and the heaviness too great to find the hope to believe those words…so I pray the Lord will send you an Aaron and Hur to hold you up until you can stand on your own.
Love & prayers,
Joy