fbpx Top

Renee Swope

Encouraging and equipping moms to parent with God's grace and confidence.

Read An Excerpt: Chapter 1 & 2

R-E-S-P-E-C-T…that is what he needs from me!

Okay, we’re gonna get real here today! I have an embarrassing confession to make: When JJ and I got married 15 years ago, I took out the words “honor and obey” from my marriage vows. While I’m confessing, you should also know I didn’t say I would submit to my husband either. I said I would “submit my ideas and dreams” to my husband and trust God’s leadership in our marriage. I was a baby Christian, but mainly I was measuring my words to make sure God and my witnesses didn’t catch me in a lie.

Oh, I had some serious issues going into marriage (and sometimes still do). Boy has God done a work on me though. Like many women, I was terrified that if I submitted to my husband I’d become a doormat and lose myself somewhere in the middle of letting my husband lead. I regretfully remember one time JJ told me it was easier to let me lead because it wasn’t worth the argument to him.

You’d think that’s what I wanted – to get my way. But it wasn’t what I wanted because JJ became apathetic. Soon I realized I was losing respect for my husband and it was mostly my fault. I wanted him to lead, but when he tried I’d often criticize how he led. It was a mess.

One day I was praying God would change JJ and make him more decisive, more confident, more protective and well, just more what I wanted him to be. God strongly impressed on my heart that my criticism wasn’t getting me any closer to my desired result. In fact, my frustration with JJ only contributed to the condemnation of his own insecurities and doubts as a man. (You know they have doubts, too). God also showed me I was fueling Satan’s flaming darts aimed at my husband’s heart. Here I was joining forces with the one who wanted to take out JJ as the leader of our home.

Through prayer, God showed me that my husband needed me to be his greatest cheerleader, his biggest supporter and to use the power of my words to build up and not tear down my man. He wanted me to keep my mouth closed when JJ was doing something I didn’t like or leading in a way I didn’t want to follow. He wanted me to be verbally, emotionally and spiritually encouraging when I saw things I appreciated. I was to find things I respected about JJ and let God take care of things I didn’t.

I started doing what God told me. I looked for and found things in JJ that I’d never really noticed before; I discovered things that were worthy of respect. It all started over 10 years ago. We’ve been through so much together now, and followed many of his decisions that scared me: job changes I didn’t want him to make; financial investments that seemed too risky; parenting issues that were hard.

I can say with joy that my husband is now the leader of our home. It’s taken commitment and many choices to honor him in big and small ways. And although he isn’t perfect, he’s more the man I dreamed of marrying than I ever hoped he’d be!

As I promised in my P31 devotion today, I wanted to share some practical ways we can honor our husbands and strengthen our marriages:

  • Tell your husband that you believe in him!
  • Don’t point out his mistakes, just fill in the gap.
  • Ask God to show you ways to serve your husband.
  • Don’t ever say “I told you so.”
  • Say “I’m sorry” and mean it when you dishonor him.
  • Say “I forgive you” and mean it when he dishonors or hurts you.
  • Tell your husband that you thank God for giving him to you (and be sure you do).
  • Let him overhear you telling someone something you appreciate about him.
  • Support and encourage his decisions.
  • Praise him when his decisions turn out well and encourage him when they don’t.
  • Tell you husband each day about one thing you are thankful for – about his character, his work ethic, his provision, his humor or something his adds to your family.
  • Pray for your husband every day.

Several of these ideas came from my friend Melanie Chitwood’s book, “What a Husband Needs from His Wife.”

For a chance to win this great marriage book, filled with insights, encouraging ideas and powerful stories, enter my drawing by clicking on the word “comments” below. Then type your name and email address (so I can notify you if you win) in the white box. Choose anonymous if you want to be – just come back to see if you won. I’ll announce the winner on Friday. And I’d love to know is if you have any embarrassing or fun marriage stories to tell. If not, what is one thing that makes your husband feel honored? Be sure to ask him if you don’t know the answer.

Comments

  1. Hi Renee,

    Thank you for your refreshing honesty, it makes it so easy to identify with you on a pesonal level, yet you clearly have worked past any condemnation of past mistakes by working it through with God.

    I hope to be in this place, although I am not married I have made similar mistakes in my relationships. I don’t want to repeat this if the Lord gives me a godly husband. Thank you.

  2. Renee,
    Thank you for your words of insight. The timing was great-I just had an argument with my husband and came in the bedroom to think dishonorable thoughts about him. :)I checked my email on my laptop and there was your devotional. A good reminder of things I already know, but continue to struggle with. Thanks again.

    Diony George
    [email protected]

  4. Renee,
    What powerful words that I needed to be reminded of today! I to am a very independent, strong willed, take charge person and it is a complete weakness for me to “let go”…..for years I have thought, cried, fought, prayed, and given up a time or two that I could not change him, well – it’s not him….Thank you….I am now rethinking and have been on bended knee asking for guidance to now repair my 23 year marriage

  5. It makes him feel honored when I leave when he wants to leave. The Lord had to really help me with that one (“I’m not ready to leave”), and I am so thankful. Now it is something I take pride in. I always ask when we get in the car, did I do okay leaving when you wanted to? And it blesses me to know that I have done something to please and honor his desires. It is a small thing that has brought us closer. I always enjoy your blog and appreciate that you shared your humbling moment with all of us. God bless.

  6. Thank you so much for this devotional!! It really made me stop and think about how I treat my husband! We are a very large family and with my husband being in the military leaves little time for him to be home! I step in to the role of leader and dont give it up easily if at all while he is home! Thank you for opening my eyes!

    Alisha Orona (Washington State)
    [email protected]

  7. How timely! We are currently working on a love and respect curriculum in our small group. It has been quite an eye opener for me, I don’t always do a good job being the wife God (or my husband)wants me to be. Thanks for sharing your life lessons so we can all learn from them.

    Noelle Stepp
    [email protected]

  8. Thank you for sharing so honestly.
    Strange, how timely God is when he knows we need conviction. And he sure does have a sense of humor about it, doesn’t He? Well, I think i will go apologize to my husband now.

    With Thanks and Love,
    Michaelangela

  9. Oh how encouraged I am right now! I am right in the middle of your story. I have realized how dishonoring I have been in our marriage and am now working to build my amazing husband up with as much respect as I possibly can. Thank you so much for the encouraging words!

  10. Hello,
    I read your blog and I am so lost for words. I think it is too late for my husband and I. We got married a year and a half ago and he has been unfaithful to me with several women, he does not work or contribute to any bills in the home. I do everything. He does not have any remorse for being unfaithful. We never do anything together i work so hard all week in a very stressful environment and I don’t have anything to look forward to at the weekend. Most weekends he is out at parties till the next morning. How can I respect a man like that. I try so hard to respect him but it is so difficult because I feel so hurt. Can you advise me on what I can do. He will not go with me for counselling.

    Kim – Vancouver

  11. this was what i needed! I am always
    beating myself up because I am not letting my husband be the head of our home. I came from a very dysfunctional family and had to learn early in life to fend for myself. It has been so hard to sit
    back and try and be the submissive wife i know i need to be. i truly believe God brought my husband and myself together, but there are so many days lately that i think he might have been alittle crazy!
    I need all the ideas I can get because I really do want to make him the head of our home. we have a 14 year old daughter and i am so worried about what she is perceiving about marriage.
    thanks again for the article and i really need this book.

    lynn
    [email protected]

  12. hi renee just saw a great movie with my husband called FireProof we are reading the book together and has been life changing in our marriage please for anyone struggling in there marriage see this movie with Curt Cameron it will change how you look at marriage

  13. hi renee thanks so much for this blog today my husband and i are working on our marriage we have been married 10 yrs this dec 19 and in that time period adopted two sons from Guatamala God showing us about marriage and we would highly recommend the movie FireProof we are both reading the book we are reading it together and gave the book to each other for our anniversary if anyone is struggling in there marriage go see the movie FireProof with Curt Camron it will change how you look at things it is doing that for both of us be blessed

  14. This is a great reminder for me! My husband and I both are pretty drained from caring for our 2 1/2 year old daughter who is very medically complicated since birth and for our older daughter who is a healthy 3 1/2 year old. A lot of time was spent 7 hours apart while I stayed with our sick daughter in the hospital and he stayed at home to work and care for our other daughter. So I don’t always feel like I have the energy left to build up my husband. I’m also a nurse and I feel like I always know best in our situation because of that, which is not always true. I could definitely show him more respect and not take out my bad mood on him all the time. He is a wonderful husband and father and helps a lot in caring for both of our children. He deserves encouragement and respect from his wife. Thank you! Michelle [email protected]

  16. I have been married for almost 24 years and I don’t think I have respected my husband “ever”. I really needed this devo today. If I don’t win this book…where can I get 2 copies, one for me and one for my daughter?

  17. Very good as always… Thanks so much for your words of honesty and encouragement. May God richly bless you as you continue to seek HIM and all His ways.

    Love,
    Bonnelle
    [email protected]

  20. Hi Renee,

    I would love to enter my e-mail address in for the drawing for that book. But first I’ll share a little something about my marriage.

    I would like to say that I’m so THANKFUL for the MAN God gave me. He has everything that I asked God for, and More! We met at a church we use to go to together. I didn’t know who he was but I heard that everytime he seen me walk by he CHECKED me out. Someone said that he COULDN’T keep his EYES! Off of me! So right after I got out a bad relationship I asked about him and the girl that I use to be friends with said that he was asking about me. Well push came to shove I ended up giving our friendship/ relationship over to God,and here we are married a little over 2 years!

    Oh I loved your message! It is EXACTLY what I needed to hear! Thank you for sharing it!

    Here is my e-mail address:
    [email protected]

    God bless,
    Veronica

  21. WOW~! Look at all of these comments! Look at all of the marriages the Lord can touch through you! Awesome! 🙂 Don’t you love how He can take our weaknesses and the places we have messed up and use them to further His kingdom! Thanks for being a willing vessel!

    Praying God will help me be the wife my husband needs,
    K 🙂

  22. This is an issue I have been struggling with for almost 12 years now. Thank you for your encouragement, for letting me know that I have to respect and honor my husband even if he is not always respectable and honorable. Only the Lord can change his weaknesses and only the Lord can supply me with more love, patience and understanding in dealing with him and helping him realize his purpose and role in our family. In the meantime, pray for me that I will do my best to look at my husband through the eyes of our gracious and merciful Father.

    Cristina Poush
    [email protected]

  25. Thanks! this was a very timely and encouraging message – I will put in to practice immediately some of your suggestions – thanks,

    I would love to win this book to share with my small group.
    God’s Blessings,

    Rhonda Heston
    Fort Wayne, IN
    [email protected]

  26. Thank you for this post. My non-believing husband is asking for a divorce for this main reason. I’m still praying for our marriage, so thank you for another lesson.

    Jessica Green
    [email protected]

  27. This was such a perfectly timed Word from God…much needed. Thank you for being so honest with the struggles you have faced and for some great suggestions.
    Kim
    ([email protected])

  28. I have just begun receiving your daily devotions this week and this really hit home. I was just praying today about this very thing. What a blessing to read this devotion tonight! I definitely want to read this book!

    Penny
    [email protected]

  29. Dear Renee,

    Thank you for your reminder to show respect to my husband. I read a book about how a wife needs to feel loved and and a husband needs to feel respected like the commandment, but sometimes it is easy ot fall into old patterns.

    Sincerely,
    Crystal Storms
    [email protected]

  31. Thanks for your blog today, it was very encouraging. I find it good to hear other women talk about marriage, we all have similar issues, we just need women like you to bring them to the forefront of our minds so we can actively (with God’s help) deal with them,
    Jo Carroll (Australia)
    This book sounds great!!

  32. Hi Renee,

    I love reading the devotions and try very hard to apply them to my life daily. Todays message was confirmation for me that I was doing something right for once! My husband had to take a job 800 Pluss miles away and we have been apart since August. Since our house didn’t sell yet and because of children in high school we have made the decision to ride this out for another 1 1/2 years. We don’t know why this is to be but one thing I do daily is send my husband an email and tell him something I am thankful for about his character of something I really appreciate about him. God is really blessing this because I our communication is improving. We have been married 25 years and I thought we were doing good, but what a change has been made over the last few months! Thank you for being transparent and sharing the truth. Our husbands are a true gift from God and deserve to be honored!

  33. I read your blog for today and really enjoyed the insight it provided me. I knew that I was struggling in this area, but your blog pointed out that I’m in worse shape than I thought. I’m excited to start implementing your suggestions right away!

    Thank you,
    Tonya Hanna
    [email protected]

  36. Carole Sprague
    [email protected]

    Been married 40 years–Thankfully we are quite different and I appreciate what my husband’s personality adds to our family. I should ask my hubby,but like Joy’s hubby he might wan to know if I’m reading a marriage quiz.
    I’ll just have to listen to his comments like “I’m glad you didn’t… or Tou’re takeing things too seriously…”

  37. Oh, can I relate, Renee. I am on this same journey–last weekend, I fell back a few steps. Thanks for encouraging me again.

  38. I have been married for almost 24 years and I don’t think I have respected my husband “ever”. I really needed this devo today. If I don’t win this book…where can I get 2 copies, one for me and one for my daughter?

  39. God’s timing is so wonderful, my husband and I just had a counseling session last night with our minister and his wife and it comes down alot to this one area for me and for him to be my protector. While, your testimony and practicals are much needed. Thank you for your example and openness.

    I know God is leading me in this area and I hope that he blesses me with the book.

    Dawn Runyon
    [email protected]

  42. I’m so glad I read my devotional today. I think I’ve been looking for these words for some time, now. I would love to win the book.

    Thank you,
    Lisa Christensen
    [email protected]

  43. Hi Renee. What a point you have made to me today! My husband and I have been trying so hard to get our marriage on the right track after so many years of hurtful words and attitudes on both our parts (for 37 years). We were making great progress, then a couple nights ago I lost my temper about something that made me feel disrespected. I blasted him without thinking. Later I regretted it, but the damage was done. I undid so much that we had gotten accomplished. I don’t know why I have developed such a quick temper these last few years. I would love to win this book and learn from it.

  44. I really needed to read this today sometimes I forget to honor my husband and seeing this reminded me of all the wonderful things about him and what he does for his family.
    Thank you.

    [email protected]

  49. Your blog today really hit home with me. I have a wonderful husband and I need to honor him more. Thank you for the reminders!

    I’d love to win the book!

    Vanessa Wellington
    [email protected]

  50. Renee,
    Thank you for sharing your experience. Several years ago after yet another one of my ‘I’m just trying to help’ comments my husband asked “Why do you always have to be so critical of me?” Talk about bringing me up short! I can’t say that I immediately stopped trying to be helpful or taking the lead, but that remark gave me the insight I needed to see what my words were doing to my husband. As a woman who loves to be in control it is not always easy to keep my mouth shut and accept his decisions but it sure makes our home happier and my husband more confident of his role as head of our home when I do. I am a work in progress for sure!
    Blessings on your day,
    Molly ([email protected])