Okay, we’re gonna get real here today! I have an embarrassing confession to make: When JJ and I got married 15 years ago, I took out the words “honor and obey” from my marriage vows. While I’m confessing, you should also know I didn’t say I would submit to my husband either. I said I would “submit my ideas and dreams” to my husband and trust God’s leadership in our marriage. I was a baby Christian, but mainly I was measuring my words to make sure God and my witnesses didn’t catch me in a lie.
Oh, I had some serious issues going into marriage (and sometimes still do). Boy has God done a work on me though. Like many women, I was terrified that if I submitted to my husband I’d become a doormat and lose myself somewhere in the middle of letting my husband lead. I regretfully remember one time JJ told me it was easier to let me lead because it wasn’t worth the argument to him.
You’d think that’s what I wanted – to get my way. But it wasn’t what I wanted because JJ became apathetic. Soon I realized I was losing respect for my husband and it was mostly my fault. I wanted him to lead, but when he tried I’d often criticize how he led. It was a mess.
One day I was praying God would change JJ and make him more decisive, more confident, more protective and well, just more what I wanted him to be. God strongly impressed on my heart that my criticism wasn’t getting me any closer to my desired result. In fact, my frustration with JJ only contributed to the condemnation of his own insecurities and doubts as a man. (You know they have doubts, too). God also showed me I was fueling Satan’s flaming darts aimed at my husband’s heart. Here I was joining forces with the one who wanted to take out JJ as the leader of our home.
Through prayer, God showed me that my husband needed me to be his greatest cheerleader, his biggest supporter and to use the power of my words to build up and not tear down my man. He wanted me to keep my mouth closed when JJ was doing something I didn’t like or leading in a way I didn’t want to follow. He wanted me to be verbally, emotionally and spiritually encouraging when I saw things I appreciated. I was to find things I respected about JJ and let God take care of things I didn’t.
I started doing what God told me. I looked for and found things in JJ that I’d never really noticed before; I discovered things that were worthy of respect. It all started over 10 years ago. We’ve been through so much together now, and followed many of his decisions that scared me: job changes I didn’t want him to make; financial investments that seemed too risky; parenting issues that were hard.
I can say with joy that my husband is now the leader of our home. It’s taken commitment and many choices to honor him in big and small ways. And although he isn’t perfect, he’s more the man I dreamed of marrying than I ever hoped he’d be!
As I promised in my P31 devotion today, I wanted to share some practical ways we can honor our husbands and strengthen our marriages:
- Tell your husband that you believe in him!
- Don’t point out his mistakes, just fill in the gap.
- Ask God to show you ways to serve your husband.
- Don’t ever say “I told you so.”
- Say “I’m sorry” and mean it when you dishonor him.
- Say “I forgive you” and mean it when he dishonors or hurts you.
- Tell your husband that you thank God for giving him to you (and be sure you do).
- Let him overhear you telling someone something you appreciate about him.
- Support and encourage his decisions.
- Praise him when his decisions turn out well and encourage him when they don’t.
- Tell you husband each day about one thing you are thankful for – about his character, his work ethic, his provision, his humor or something his adds to your family.
- Pray for your husband every day.
Several of these ideas came from my friend Melanie Chitwood’s book, “What a Husband Needs from His Wife.”
For a chance to win this great marriage book, filled with insights, encouraging ideas and powerful stories, enter my drawing by clicking on the word “comments” below. Then type your name and email address (so I can notify you if you win) in the white box. Choose anonymous if you want to be – just come back to see if you won. I’ll announce the winner on Friday. And I’d love to know is if you have any embarrassing or fun marriage stories to tell. If not, what is one thing that makes your husband feel honored? Be sure to ask him if you don’t know the answer.
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i don’t know what to say… this is an answer to prayer… broken i stand before HE who is Creator of all and submit my broken, sinful, rebellious self to HIM pleading with HIM to forgive me, help me to forgive my husband and to heal this marriage that exists on paper only…after spending the better part of three years separated, with four failed relationships between us there is much to work on, much forgiveness to walk in and much to be mended, but there are also six sons and a daughter to be greatly influenced here… please, if you pray pray for me, him and us… there could not be more at stake that i get this lesson on respect. i’m still raising five of the seven children in my home, i am grieved by failure and am in desperate need for GOD”S hand to move in this situation!
peace to you
thank you
Wow!! My husband and I have been married for 4 years and have two beautiful boys. As I was reading your story I was “watching” the whole scene in my head. Talk about putting it into perspective. I am 22 and my husband is 24. I have always been the more mature person in the relationship and I tend to treat him as if he were just being immature. I caught myself thinking one day he’ll grow up and we can have real grownup conversations. After all we’re not teens anymore. God has recently started working on me about this issue of respecting him and honoring him and seeing the mature man He is creating him to be through God’s eyes. This journey has only just begun!!!! Your devo spoke right to my heart this morning. Thank you and God Bless!!!!
Sara Munoz (Yorktown, Tx)
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I really enjoyed your devotion today. My husband can be a little difficult at times, and I have to ask God for help dealing with him. I really believe that God has put us together to complement each other, and we each bring different personality traits (he’s a driver, I’m more passive) to the marriage. I know that I need to honor him and appreciate the things about him that I found attractive when I first met him! Thanks–
Just wanted to give two big thumbs up for Melanie’s book, “What a Husband Needs from His Wife.” I just finished leading a bible-study group utilizing this book and the transformation that I witnessed in the lives of the ladies and their marriages humbled me! It was such an honor to bear witness to the work that God did through that study. It was the third time that I had read the book and I learned things that I had missed on the first two readings. Melanie’s book and God’s abundant grace, have drastically improved my relationship with my husband and I give God all the honor and praise!
Hi Renee,
It seems that everytime I need to hear something from the Lord He makes a way.
Last night I was still upset with my hubby because I had asked him to take out the CHristmas Decorations on Monday and he “forgot”. So when I got home from work last night, there were the decorations on the back porch (Not where I asked him to put them)and our daughters tree out front in the yard. I immediately began my tyrant…”you don’t listen to me” you do whatever you feel like doing and nothing more” well, he blew his breath out and of course I said”don’t blow at me!” He then didnt talk to me the rest of the evening. Was I wrong for being upset? No, I was wrong for talking to him the way I did and showing him no respect. I have asked the Lord to forgive me and now I am going to call my hubby at work and ask his forgiveness also.
Thank you for the wonderful words you put out…YOU do cause an effect in peoples life’s.
Your Sister in Christ and His Daughter,
Kathy
I really needed this today. My marriage has been struggling for sometime now. It is very hard for me to keep my mouth shut when I dont like something that he has done or said in front of my kids. I have 3 kids from a previous marriage and that makes it difficult to keep quiet sometimes when I dont agree with him. He is a good man and I tell him that all the time, however I know that I could honor him more than I do. I thank god for people like you to give me that encouragement that I need so badly.
I so needed this today! We are in a tough time with my husband who has been out of work for a year now, me working and carrying the financial support, and both struggling to see what the lesson and glory is to come out of this trial! There are more days than not that I have this same attitude because of the circumstances and continue to pray to let go of teh Type A personality. We are praying for our family and to come out of this ok soon…but at the same time, I am praying for the Lord to give my husband the desires of his heart, a job and the means to support our home financially. Thank you for the words and support. Please pray for us!
Thorunn Taylor
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“my criticism wasn’t getting me any closer to my desired result.”
Oh my goodness! What an epiphany! We can really hurt with our words sometimes, that is true.
I haven’t been by here in a while, I read in an RSS Feed in my email box, but I just had to come by and tell you how moving these words were to me.
I read a great book about 10 years ago, The Excellent Wife, by Martha Peace, she talked about many of those same things.
Good stuff, we can neverget enough good marriage instruction.
Thanks again, (btw, been praying for JJ, that he recovers quickly.)
Renee,
As someone who loves her Pastor boyfriend with all her heart, I hope and pray that I continue to honor him EVERY DAY when we are united in marriage. Forgiveness is a wonderful gift from God. Thank you for your words of wisdom for women who are married now, as well as future wives.
Hi Renee,
I just got a irritated with my husband this morning because he forgot to bring the banana he didn’t eat at lunch back in the house, but left it in his truck several days. My goodness, a wasted banana!!! 🙂 I accused him of stupidity!! Then I sat down and read your devotional. Yikes – I will now trust Christ to help me honor my husband.
I needed this reminder today. I too am thankful for my husband but find it easier to not let him know how much I honor him. During this unstable time it is more important than ever. I know this book would make a difference in our marriage for the good. Thank you for your honesty in sharing.
Thank you for this insite today. I have always wanted my husband to be the leader of the family but I realized that I was telling him how to lead. I pray that I can put some of these ideas to work and be my husbands helpmate and not tell him how I think that he should lead.
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Thank you for your words of encouragement. This is something that speaks to my heart.
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Michele
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My husband and I have been married for almost 5 years, and right now he is in his first semester at seminary. I have always thought I was pretty good about submitting to my husband, but I am learning that my idea of submission is a little off from what it should be. Though it’s hard to admit, I have not honored my husband as I should in this year that we have had so much transition and change. It breaks my heart! I have sacrificed staying at home with our two year old son so that I can work and receive a scholarship so that he can go to school. Sometimes Satan convinces me that my husband doesn’t deserve my honor and respect because I am already giving up so much. I know that is a lie straight from Satan, and I am striving to fight that. Often times I forget that honoring my husband honors God. Thank you for allowing God to use you; I NEEDED those words this morning, even if they hurt!
Thank you for this message – it’s just what I needed to hear today. Things aren’t going well at home and I need to work on being a Godly wife, and let God take care of transforming my husband. I need to work on surrendering my need to be the fixer and let God work things out.
-Kristy
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Thank you for your helpful tips and for reminding us of what our role is to be as a wife!
Gail Kowalski [email protected]
Hayley
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I would love to win this book since I have just been married for 9 months and are still learning the ways to support and honor my husband.
Thanks
thanks so much for the devo. It is where I am right now, and your words are encouraging to press on, and to know that many other Christian women struggle with this issue. It can sometimes be confusing to know what our part is, and what God’s part is. We just have to unwrap our tight little grip on the situation and hand it to God…(over and over.) 🙂