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Renee Swope

Encouraging and equipping moms to parent with God's grace and confidence.

Read An Excerpt: Chapter 1 & 2

R-E-S-P-E-C-T…that is what he needs from me!

Okay, we’re gonna get real here today! I have an embarrassing confession to make: When JJ and I got married 15 years ago, I took out the words “honor and obey” from my marriage vows. While I’m confessing, you should also know I didn’t say I would submit to my husband either. I said I would “submit my ideas and dreams” to my husband and trust God’s leadership in our marriage. I was a baby Christian, but mainly I was measuring my words to make sure God and my witnesses didn’t catch me in a lie.

Oh, I had some serious issues going into marriage (and sometimes still do). Boy has God done a work on me though. Like many women, I was terrified that if I submitted to my husband I’d become a doormat and lose myself somewhere in the middle of letting my husband lead. I regretfully remember one time JJ told me it was easier to let me lead because it wasn’t worth the argument to him.

You’d think that’s what I wanted – to get my way. But it wasn’t what I wanted because JJ became apathetic. Soon I realized I was losing respect for my husband and it was mostly my fault. I wanted him to lead, but when he tried I’d often criticize how he led. It was a mess.

One day I was praying God would change JJ and make him more decisive, more confident, more protective and well, just more what I wanted him to be. God strongly impressed on my heart that my criticism wasn’t getting me any closer to my desired result. In fact, my frustration with JJ only contributed to the condemnation of his own insecurities and doubts as a man. (You know they have doubts, too). God also showed me I was fueling Satan’s flaming darts aimed at my husband’s heart. Here I was joining forces with the one who wanted to take out JJ as the leader of our home.

Through prayer, God showed me that my husband needed me to be his greatest cheerleader, his biggest supporter and to use the power of my words to build up and not tear down my man. He wanted me to keep my mouth closed when JJ was doing something I didn’t like or leading in a way I didn’t want to follow. He wanted me to be verbally, emotionally and spiritually encouraging when I saw things I appreciated. I was to find things I respected about JJ and let God take care of things I didn’t.

I started doing what God told me. I looked for and found things in JJ that I’d never really noticed before; I discovered things that were worthy of respect. It all started over 10 years ago. We’ve been through so much together now, and followed many of his decisions that scared me: job changes I didn’t want him to make; financial investments that seemed too risky; parenting issues that were hard.

I can say with joy that my husband is now the leader of our home. It’s taken commitment and many choices to honor him in big and small ways. And although he isn’t perfect, he’s more the man I dreamed of marrying than I ever hoped he’d be!

As I promised in my P31 devotion today, I wanted to share some practical ways we can honor our husbands and strengthen our marriages:

  • Tell your husband that you believe in him!
  • Don’t point out his mistakes, just fill in the gap.
  • Ask God to show you ways to serve your husband.
  • Don’t ever say “I told you so.”
  • Say “I’m sorry” and mean it when you dishonor him.
  • Say “I forgive you” and mean it when he dishonors or hurts you.
  • Tell your husband that you thank God for giving him to you (and be sure you do).
  • Let him overhear you telling someone something you appreciate about him.
  • Support and encourage his decisions.
  • Praise him when his decisions turn out well and encourage him when they don’t.
  • Tell you husband each day about one thing you are thankful for – about his character, his work ethic, his provision, his humor or something his adds to your family.
  • Pray for your husband every day.

Several of these ideas came from my friend Melanie Chitwood’s book, “What a Husband Needs from His Wife.”

For a chance to win this great marriage book, filled with insights, encouraging ideas and powerful stories, enter my drawing by clicking on the word “comments” below. Then type your name and email address (so I can notify you if you win) in the white box. Choose anonymous if you want to be – just come back to see if you won. I’ll announce the winner on Friday. And I’d love to know is if you have any embarrassing or fun marriage stories to tell. If not, what is one thing that makes your husband feel honored? Be sure to ask him if you don’t know the answer.

Comments

  2. I love you message today. As I was reading it I was thinking of all my married friends I could send it to. Wonderful words! Thanks!

    What honors my husband? He loves a clean house which is my biggest weakness. I am trying really hard.

    Wendi – [email protected]

  4. wow…did I ever need to hear THAT. I’m a military spouse and mother of six. Four of our children were adopted at various ages between birth and 8 years.

    My husband is a hard-core military man with a soldier’s mentality. He wants our five sons to be tough like men, and yet, so often I feel that he misses so many opportunities to show them the softer side of manhood.

    My husband is a GREAT provider, but he’s hardly “hands-on”. That means I’m the one who is always taking them under my wing to do what I do best….baking cookies, making crafts, etc. I surely dont go out in the yard and play football.

    I’m often frustrated that my husband doesnt get more involved in their daily activities, especially since he’s often gone for exteneded periods of time. I feel anger at my husband and resent that I’m the one left holding the bag.

    TOday’s message reminded me, however, to celebrate the many things my husband DOES get, and not to focus so much on what doesnt meet my expectations. If I focus on the negative, we all lose.

    thanks, beth

  5. Ugh! It’s me, not my husband that needs work:) I too have been praying for God to go to work in my husband. I guess reading this today is God’s way of saying “You’re not helping” nicely. This isn’t what I wanted to hear, but it’s definately what I needed to hear. I need to RESPECT him in EVERYTHING. It’s amazing the fog that has cleared from my heart and mind after this blog. I’m going to start today to honor and respect him more. Thank you for this. Now I’m looking forward to a wonderful marriage instead of just an average one!
    Christ’s love
    Heidi
    [email protected]

  6. Thank you so much for your encouraging words. God has really used this to open my eyes to what I have been doing. I have often done the same thing – praying for God to change my husband to be leader of our home – MY WAY. I want to submit and have him be the leader of our home, but then I don’t trust him (or Him) enough when he does make a decision and then try to change it or pray for God to change his heart.

    It looks like that book could really help us – thanks for introducing me to it.

    Julie Hull
    [email protected]

  7. Hey Renee,

    That was amazing,every woman needs to hear this encouragement! Praise God!!! Being a respectful and submissive wife can be incredibly hard at times. I am currently reading and trying to do the Love Dare, and this is bascially what the book says. Love is such a confusing subject. It’s awesome, but confusing.
    Thanks for your daily devotions. I love and appreciate you all very much!
    Just what the doctor ordered, or should I say what our Lord ordered!!!
    Kerri from Kentucky

  8. Ruth
    [email protected]

    Hi Renee,
    I love this blog. I have been trying to find ways to honor my husband and just make him feel loved.
    I would love to win this book.

    Thank you for your honesty sharing your life with us so we can learn and be blessed.
    Blessings to you and your family.
    Ruth

  9. Hi Renee:

    Your devotional today caused a loud “OUCH!” to come out of my mouth. I realized that I have been choosing how I will respect my husband, which is so different from what he needs from me and how God wants me to behave as his wife. I confess right now to the sin of selective hearing. Thank you for your honesty and suggestions.
    I would love that book!

    Blessings –
    Leian in Salt Lake
    [email protected]

  10. How funny! To see R-E-S-P-E-C-T at the title of today’s blog. I came over from the P31 devotional. That is something I’m trying to understand. My husband made a comment to me about not respecting him and I had to ask him what he meant. I guess there are times he feels that I’m not respecting him and I’m feeling misunderstood. This is something I’m trying to learn more about and understand better.
    Thank you for today’s devo and tips. Quite helpful!
    Pam
    [email protected]

  11. Renee, your devotion and post really touched my heart. I didn’t submit to my husband during the first years of our marriage, and my reasons mirrored yours. When I really began praying for the Lord to change him, God led me to pray that I would be the one to change. Day by day, my eyes were opened to see that the man I was to honor didn’t need much changing at all – it was my attitude that needing adjusting. We had a blended family and that made it more difficult. As I began to change, Steve’s eyes were opened to the kind of leadership I desired in our home, and oh, did he lead – and very well! Submitting to him and honoring him seem to be synonymous for me. I remember the first time he asked my opinion on something and instead of giving it to him, I told him that I trusted him 100% to make the decision that needed to be made and I would support him 110%. He asked me if I had a twin and if this was a trick! LOL!

  13. Oh my gracious…I just say that you’ve given me so much joy today visiting your blog (I still don’t know what blog means…) I get emails from P31 everyday and thought I would read this one through. Girl…I was blessed. Thanks!

  14. I’ve been working on encouraging and building up my husband.. its not easy since I used to be (and still am sometimes) a critical person. I’ve also been working on being more submissive and honoring him.

    Thanks so much for your blog today!

    Ilana Lunn
    [email protected]

  17. Wow, this column really hit so many of us. There are so many great comments here today. As I read it I thought about how my Mom treated my Dad like he was an idiot, and I did the same with my husband. We had four years of hell, and then our marriage was transformed by the grace of God, as my husband gave his life to Christ and I got off the fence finally. I quickly learned that: 1) my husband was smart and capable, 2) if I let him, he would make good decisions, 3) he was aware of his mistakes and would make the needed changes, I didn’t need to make him feel worse. As he started being the “man of the house” – things ran smoother, I relaxed and stopped being an anxious nagging wife, my fears didn’t transpire, and he made good and right decisions about things. I found out, that he is RIGHT 99% of the time. I stopped getting my way, and I got MY MAN. We are going on 13 years now, and I can always use a reminder to love and honor him more. Thank you.

  20. This is my first time reading your blog & I have added you to my favorites listing!! This is a great tool for wives & marriages!! My husband & I do Pre-marital Counseling at our church & I feel this info would be very helpful to women entering into marriage!! God bless your ministry!!

    I would love to win this book!!!

    Sophia Amasol
    [email protected]

  21. Praise God for this devotion. It truly touched my heart and encourages me to be the wife God would have me be, a Proverbs 31 woman. Every once and a while, we need to be reminded to watch our words, thoughts and actions toward our husbands. I can totally relate with my “tone of voice”.
    May God Bless you:)

  23. Hi,
    This really hit home with me today. God has been dealing with me in this exact area for a while now. I will do well for a while and then blow it completely and then find it very hard to get back to doing what I am supposed to do. I think that is the Enemies way, to try to keep you down when you fall. Anyway, thanks for putting this “in my face” again, as I really needed it. It is also good to know that I am not alone. Thanks for sharing your heart and life with us. You have no idea what God is doing through you.

    Amber Jackson
    [email protected]

  24. Not much I can say that everyone else has not. It is so difficult to die to ones self. Thank you for your encouragement.

    Margaret, TX

  26. Hello sweet sister Renee,

    I’m sorry I’ve not visited in a while, but better late than never! First, I’d like to thank you for your kind comment on my blog. It was a JOY to interview you and get to know you better.

    Second I LOVE this post as teaching biblical submission is my passion and you’ll find this funny, but has been for 10 years! Can you believe the timing?

    What you shared here is actually in the study God has called me to write. If you’re interested, it’s found in WEEK #2.

    Thank you for being so “real” with us…that’s just ONE of the things I love about you! 🙂

    Sure do love you sister,
    Sunny

  27. The more I thought I was “helping” my husband with my advice, the worse our family dynamics became. Trying to juggle a blended family was a huge job and my distespe tful attitude didn’t help at all. God intended for the husband to me the leader–it doesn’t work any other way!! It took 10 years to figure this out-I’m glad we did!

  28. My husband is not saved amd he is a hard man to live with. I love him and I praise God for him not to stop me from going to church. I long to fellowship with him. I am praying for his salvation.

  29. Thank you for your blog. What you wrote today hits right at home for me. I’ve been seeing this in my marriage, but have been having a hard time giving up my control. Thank you for your encouragement. I’ll be coming back for more!

    Dana Hepler
    [email protected]

  30. Thank you so much for sharing your heart in this article! It is very encouraging and timely….just like God to provide what we need to see and hear! I think this book looks great and I know my family would be blessed by receiving it!
    God bless you and your ministry!
    Jennifer [email protected]

  31. This was a wonderful reminder of what I need to be doing more in my marriage! As God blesses us we need to be more mindful of the blessings of our husbands – and show it in our love for them!

    Thanks,
    Karen Loveless
    [email protected]

  32. I really needed to read your blog today and remind myself to see the good in my husband and not focus on the negative. I have been married for 36 years, but I still need to be reminded of my place as my husband’s helpmate.
    I would love to get this book to read and pass on to my daughter and 3 daughter-in-laws.

    Janice Kesterson
    [email protected]

  35. My husband is about ready to call it quits with me because I have been dishonoring and disrespectful.

    this is just what I needed to “hear” today.

    Thanks,
    Janet

  36. You know this has always been my hardest cross to bear and I so needed a “God/Renee reminder”
    I love you Friend! See you soon ~ Kim

    P.S. Please sign me up for the Book drawing!!!

  38. Renee, Boy was I convicted today. Amazing how God gives us the right words at the right time. I have been feeling all these feelings toward my husband and letting myself get very low. Your blog made me put things in perspective and I feel better already. It made me remember all the good things about him and why I married him. Thanks for this. [email protected]

  39. Hi Renee,
    Thank you for sharing your life. It is a powerful testimony. I know I need to work harder to honor my husband especially in area of “P” pride.

    I would love to get a copy of this book.

    Blessing,
    Florida in CA

  40. This really spoke to me today. I have been dealing with the same issues and just this morning!! I thank God that I opened and read this email this morning!
    I would love to win this book!!
    Love,
    Jerri Lewis (I know don’t laugh at my name! lol)
    [email protected]

  41. Thank you for sharing your life. I know I need to work harder on honoring my husband.

    Blessing,
    Florida

  42. This is so good, Renee’.
    I have learned so much the hard way concerning marriage. Thank you for sharing your words of wisdom. You give very practical advice. I have found that so much of it comes down to trust. I struggle with that a lot. Trusting God……trusting my husband’s leading…..trusting enough to let go and let them lead!

    Blessings to you my dear friend!

    Love you,
    Cheri

  43. Thank you for your encouraging words. My husband and I have a new baby. It has been a wonderful change, but has also put some new strain on our marriage. I needed this reminder about how to respect him in all things.
    Melinda
    [email protected]

  45. YES!!! “R-E-S-P-E-C-T” is what makes my husband feel most honored. Thanks so much for your encouraging words…for sharing from your heart…giving clear ideas and suggestions about how to love and honor my husband.
    Love, Rachel

  46. Hello Renee,

    Thank you and Thank God!!!
    I am currently reading and “trying” to do the Love Dare, and WOW I needed this today!
    I love all your alls emails, they bless me in so many ways.
    Thank you again, a million times over!
    Isn’t God great!!

    Blessings,
    Kerri Bowling from Kentucky

  48. Hi Renee,
    The story I thought of took place in the first few months of my marriage. My husband was in the Marine Corps, and he came home one day and realized he forgot to get his haircut. He had an inspection in the morning. Well we lived out a ways from town and he did not feel like driving back into town. So I offered to cut his hair. He politely said no thanks. Well the next morning when he kissed me goodbye while I was still in bed and half asleep, I noticed his hair seemed a bit off and he said he trimmed it himself. I told him I could fix it for him and he politely said no thanks.
    Well weeks passed and we were over at a friends house, and they were talking about needing their haircut and jokingly said don’t ask Angel to do it. I looked at them strangely and then the truth came out. At his inspection the Sgt. walked circles around my husband and asked him what has happened to your hair. My ever so sweet and polite husband said, “Never let your wife cut your hair.”

    Angel Latham
    [email protected]

  49. I subscribe to the Proverbs 31 daily devotionals and read the one from you today about honoring your husband. I really think God is trying to work with me on how I treat my husband.

    I just got married in April 08 and have been having a difficult time learning how to let my husband lead. I really want him to lead but I keep putting him down because I think I could do something better. I do have good intentions and comment on things because I want to teach him ways to do things better… and thus easier. However I am beginning to see that is not what God wants me to do.

    I am currently reading “A Woman After God’s Own Heart” by Elizabeth George and the chapter that I read last night before going to bed talked about how I need to serve my husband every day. Then I get the Proverbs 31 devotional and the link to your blog this morning. I really think that is something that I need to work on. Thank you so much for sharing your story and providing me with some good tools to work on implementing. I hope you have a great day!

    Angela
    [email protected]

  50. Your message today certainly hit home. I confess I routinely lead in our marriage, usurping my husband’s beautiful gentle nature. I definitely will pray, reflect and repent (and read the book!)