Okay, we’re gonna get real here today! I have an embarrassing confession to make: When JJ and I got married 15 years ago, I took out the words “honor and obey” from my marriage vows. While I’m confessing, you should also know I didn’t say I would submit to my husband either. I said I would “submit my ideas and dreams” to my husband and trust God’s leadership in our marriage. I was a baby Christian, but mainly I was measuring my words to make sure God and my witnesses didn’t catch me in a lie.
Oh, I had some serious issues going into marriage (and sometimes still do). Boy has God done a work on me though. Like many women, I was terrified that if I submitted to my husband I’d become a doormat and lose myself somewhere in the middle of letting my husband lead. I regretfully remember one time JJ told me it was easier to let me lead because it wasn’t worth the argument to him.
You’d think that’s what I wanted – to get my way. But it wasn’t what I wanted because JJ became apathetic. Soon I realized I was losing respect for my husband and it was mostly my fault. I wanted him to lead, but when he tried I’d often criticize how he led. It was a mess.
One day I was praying God would change JJ and make him more decisive, more confident, more protective and well, just more what I wanted him to be. God strongly impressed on my heart that my criticism wasn’t getting me any closer to my desired result. In fact, my frustration with JJ only contributed to the condemnation of his own insecurities and doubts as a man. (You know they have doubts, too). God also showed me I was fueling Satan’s flaming darts aimed at my husband’s heart. Here I was joining forces with the one who wanted to take out JJ as the leader of our home.
Through prayer, God showed me that my husband needed me to be his greatest cheerleader, his biggest supporter and to use the power of my words to build up and not tear down my man. He wanted me to keep my mouth closed when JJ was doing something I didn’t like or leading in a way I didn’t want to follow. He wanted me to be verbally, emotionally and spiritually encouraging when I saw things I appreciated. I was to find things I respected about JJ and let God take care of things I didn’t.
I started doing what God told me. I looked for and found things in JJ that I’d never really noticed before; I discovered things that were worthy of respect. It all started over 10 years ago. We’ve been through so much together now, and followed many of his decisions that scared me: job changes I didn’t want him to make; financial investments that seemed too risky; parenting issues that were hard.
I can say with joy that my husband is now the leader of our home. It’s taken commitment and many choices to honor him in big and small ways. And although he isn’t perfect, he’s more the man I dreamed of marrying than I ever hoped he’d be!
As I promised in my P31 devotion today, I wanted to share some practical ways we can honor our husbands and strengthen our marriages:
- Tell your husband that you believe in him!
- Don’t point out his mistakes, just fill in the gap.
- Ask God to show you ways to serve your husband.
- Don’t ever say “I told you so.”
- Say “I’m sorry” and mean it when you dishonor him.
- Say “I forgive you” and mean it when he dishonors or hurts you.
- Tell your husband that you thank God for giving him to you (and be sure you do).
- Let him overhear you telling someone something you appreciate about him.
- Support and encourage his decisions.
- Praise him when his decisions turn out well and encourage him when they don’t.
- Tell you husband each day about one thing you are thankful for – about his character, his work ethic, his provision, his humor or something his adds to your family.
- Pray for your husband every day.
Several of these ideas came from my friend Melanie Chitwood’s book, “What a Husband Needs from His Wife.”
For a chance to win this great marriage book, filled with insights, encouraging ideas and powerful stories, enter my drawing by clicking on the word “comments” below. Then type your name and email address (so I can notify you if you win) in the white box. Choose anonymous if you want to be – just come back to see if you won. I’ll announce the winner on Friday. And I’d love to know is if you have any embarrassing or fun marriage stories to tell. If not, what is one thing that makes your husband feel honored? Be sure to ask him if you don’t know the answer.
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Thank you for your devotional. I have struggled, too, with being honoring with my words. It’s so easy to judge our husbands for their weaknesses and so not what God wants us to do.
My husband’s job is in jeopardy, after 18 years, because of jealous and unkind supervisors and it has been a wonderful opportunity for me to encourage him and build him up with my words and prayers. God has given me such a sense of calm about this and reassured us that He “knows the plans” He has for us.
The book you are giving away sounds great. I know God will direct it to someone who really needs it.
God bless you!
Jennifer
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Thank you, we just celebrated our 23rd. wedding anniversary this past Saturday. It is NEVER to late to learn how to be the wife God created us/me to be. I still am learning everyday what a wonderful man I married. I want to learn how to truly honor him and teach our children at the same time.
Thanks.
I hope to hear from you on Friday
Jackie D.
renee
your blog was wonderful today..i totally understand the football thing! i have also struggled with being submissive…but after reading everyone else’s blog..i am blessed..i would love to have the book, would you let us know how to purchase as i would rather you give to one of the other ladies..
Thank you for this blog article and the Prov 31 devotion about honoring our husbands. This is an area I need to improve.
Karen
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Kimberly Benigni. [email protected]. I’ve been married 11 years and am looking for more ways to support my husband to be the spiritual leader God has called him to be.
Thank you so much for your encouraging words. God has really used this to open my eyes to what I have been doing. I have often done the same thing – praying for God to change my husband to be leader of our home – MY WAY. I want to submit and have him be the leader of our home, but then I don’t trust him (or Him) enough when he does make a decision and then try to change it or pray for God to change his heart.
It looks like that book could really help us – thanks for introducing me to it.
Julie Hull
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This is just what I needed to read. I am currently stuggling with my role as a godly wife. Submission isn’t something I have ever done, but my marriage is in trouble and I know that I play a huge part in it.
Thanks
April Doyle
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Hi Renee,
I would love to win Melanie’s book on marriage. One thing I have learned (but don’t always practice it perfectly!) in 20 years of marriage is that “a soft answer turns away wrath”. I have noticed if I watch my tone and volume of my voice when responding/reacting it makes a huge difference!
Needed this today!
Melissa Brown
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Thanks for your message!
Kelli
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When I honor my husband, my marriage is stronger. God has shown me this over and over. I needed the reminder again.
Lori
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Hey lady,
Thanks for this post. My husband has so much wisdom and such a level head on him, so I don’t know why I try to sabbatage his leadership sometimes. I’m working on it with God’s help.
One time, Cliff told me the way he feels most loved by me is knowing I pray for him.
He also really likes it when I sit at his computer with him and listen to music he has just written and recorded.
Please enter me in the drawing.
Kathleen Jones
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Renee, thanks for sharing. We attended a marriage conference about 3 weeks ago and came back re energized for our marriage but amazing how quickly once we are back in reality the old habits set in. I have been having a tough week and certainly not respecting my husband…your words really hit home and spoke to me today.
Thanks
KSV
How funny! To see R-E-S-P-E-C-T at the title of today’s blog. I came over from the P31 devotional. That is something I’m trying to understand. My husband made a comment to me about not respecting him and I had to ask him what he meant. I guess there are times he feels that I’m not respecting him and I’m feeling misunderstood. This is something I’m trying to learn more about and understand better.
Thank you for today’s devo and tips. Quite helpful!
Pam
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Thanks for your honest and inspiring words.
Kim
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Renee,
Thank you for your blog today and the devotion. I have been struggling with my mariage and husband during the past week. I know I need to be a submissive wife, but I have always been very indepedent and am having a very difficult time with the submission part. My husband has been a christian for a long time, but did not attend church or other religious activities with me until a couple years ago. He does want me to submit, but sometimes it feels more like a dictatorship than a loving husband. I think this book would help me greatly see what I need to do to be the submissive wife my husband wants.
Thanks you for the blog.
Pam Black [email protected]
Thank you for reminding us to put God’s Word into practice. I’ve struggled with this issue over the years, especially recently, and can see how it has affected my three sons as well as my relationship with my husband.It’s a continous battle between my flesh and The Spirit. I learned these points several years ago, but sometimes still slip into the rut of negativity. I hope to get this book for my son’s future wife. Thank you again.
I love reading your daily devotions on P31. I especially like the one today, because this is something a lot of women struggle with but may be afraid to admit. Thanks for being honest and inspiring!
Kim Rink
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My husband is outwardly strong and the leader of our family, but all the things you’ve said here are true for him, too. We’ve been married 34 years and raised 3 daughters who struggle with the same thing of how to respect their husbands. I see what you mean about influencing them. I was told the reason God tells women to submit (respect)to their husbands and men to love their wives like themselves is these are the hardest things for each of them to do. We are missionaries in Peru now. We left our home and family in Nov of 2006 in obedience to Jesus. I love to see my husband serve the Lord with all his heart here. I wasn’t ready to leave my family but gave up my wants and dreams because I believed my husband was right, that God wanted us to serve him here in Peru. Soon we will add a new daughter to our family. A young girl will come and live with us when she turns 18, December 22nd, after living in an orphanage over 10 years. She needed a home to stay in to finish her highschool years (two more to go)and learn to be independent. God is so good!