Okay, we’re gonna get real here today! I have an embarrassing confession to make: When JJ and I got married 15 years ago, I took out the words “honor and obey” from my marriage vows. While I’m confessing, you should also know I didn’t say I would submit to my husband either. I said I would “submit my ideas and dreams” to my husband and trust God’s leadership in our marriage. I was a baby Christian, but mainly I was measuring my words to make sure God and my witnesses didn’t catch me in a lie.
Oh, I had some serious issues going into marriage (and sometimes still do). Boy has God done a work on me though. Like many women, I was terrified that if I submitted to my husband I’d become a doormat and lose myself somewhere in the middle of letting my husband lead. I regretfully remember one time JJ told me it was easier to let me lead because it wasn’t worth the argument to him.
You’d think that’s what I wanted – to get my way. But it wasn’t what I wanted because JJ became apathetic. Soon I realized I was losing respect for my husband and it was mostly my fault. I wanted him to lead, but when he tried I’d often criticize how he led. It was a mess.
One day I was praying God would change JJ and make him more decisive, more confident, more protective and well, just more what I wanted him to be. God strongly impressed on my heart that my criticism wasn’t getting me any closer to my desired result. In fact, my frustration with JJ only contributed to the condemnation of his own insecurities and doubts as a man. (You know they have doubts, too). God also showed me I was fueling Satan’s flaming darts aimed at my husband’s heart. Here I was joining forces with the one who wanted to take out JJ as the leader of our home.
Through prayer, God showed me that my husband needed me to be his greatest cheerleader, his biggest supporter and to use the power of my words to build up and not tear down my man. He wanted me to keep my mouth closed when JJ was doing something I didn’t like or leading in a way I didn’t want to follow. He wanted me to be verbally, emotionally and spiritually encouraging when I saw things I appreciated. I was to find things I respected about JJ and let God take care of things I didn’t.
I started doing what God told me. I looked for and found things in JJ that I’d never really noticed before; I discovered things that were worthy of respect. It all started over 10 years ago. We’ve been through so much together now, and followed many of his decisions that scared me: job changes I didn’t want him to make; financial investments that seemed too risky; parenting issues that were hard.
I can say with joy that my husband is now the leader of our home. It’s taken commitment and many choices to honor him in big and small ways. And although he isn’t perfect, he’s more the man I dreamed of marrying than I ever hoped he’d be!
As I promised in my P31 devotion today, I wanted to share some practical ways we can honor our husbands and strengthen our marriages:
- Tell your husband that you believe in him!
- Don’t point out his mistakes, just fill in the gap.
- Ask God to show you ways to serve your husband.
- Don’t ever say “I told you so.”
- Say “I’m sorry” and mean it when you dishonor him.
- Say “I forgive you” and mean it when he dishonors or hurts you.
- Tell your husband that you thank God for giving him to you (and be sure you do).
- Let him overhear you telling someone something you appreciate about him.
- Support and encourage his decisions.
- Praise him when his decisions turn out well and encourage him when they don’t.
- Tell you husband each day about one thing you are thankful for – about his character, his work ethic, his provision, his humor or something his adds to your family.
- Pray for your husband every day.
Several of these ideas came from my friend Melanie Chitwood’s book, “What a Husband Needs from His Wife.”
For a chance to win this great marriage book, filled with insights, encouraging ideas and powerful stories, enter my drawing by clicking on the word “comments” below. Then type your name and email address (so I can notify you if you win) in the white box. Choose anonymous if you want to be – just come back to see if you won. I’ll announce the winner on Friday. And I’d love to know is if you have any embarrassing or fun marriage stories to tell. If not, what is one thing that makes your husband feel honored? Be sure to ask him if you don’t know the answer.
Wow! I really needed to read this today. Thank you Lord for leading me to this blog today. Renee, thank you for your kind encouragement. I’d love to win this book.
Have a blessed day,
Dawna Wetzel
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Hi Renee,
My sister sent me your blog to read. I too have been struggling with getting my husband to be head of our household but I won’t let me. I am working on getting myself right. Reading your blog helped me understand that this is NOT going to happen overnight. Thank you.
I think it would be great to win your book. I feel that it would help me with understanding what I need to accomplish in succeding to get my husband to be head of our household. I appreciate the time that you have taken to share this information.
Love,
Cristi Hoakison
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I have made the mistake you wrote about it the P31 devotional too – choosing the wrong time, place and tone. Thank you for showing I’m not alone and for the encouragement to make it right.
I’d love to win the book too! Please enter me in the giveaway.
Thank you, Connie
Oh, how often we need encouraging in this area. One thing I work on continually (37+ years of marriage) is not interrupting my husband’s speech to ‘get the facts straight’!!!
Thanks for the book giveaway and God bless you!
Thanks for the encouragement. I’ve been trying to do those kinds of things with my husband lately. Even though in my heart I know it is the Godly (wifely) way to live, I still ache on the inside for the type of husband I have. He refuses to go to church with me and our 3 sons. He drinks all the time. Every other word out of his mouth is foul. Of course, I get the blame for his actions because 6 years ago I left him for one month because Satan had me convinced that someone else was better but I decided to go back and make my marriage work. Now, the only reason I stay is because that is what God wants me to do and my sons deserve a home that is together and not broken.
Thank You for this blog today.
Dee
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Thanks for the reminder. I’m fairly good at not tearing DH down, but not so good at actually building him up, and I know he needs that. I do need to make more conscious efforts in this area.
Renee,
What an encouraging message! Sometimes I forget that my husband has needs too. I came from a home where my daddy let my mom lead for the sake of arguments. when my husband and I got married, I fussed about everything. He would bear hug me when I began to fuss and hold me saying “I love you” over and over again until I finally calmed down. It took him about 6 months of doing this before God showed me what my husband was doing. My husband does love me and what he wanted me to know was that our marriage was not going to suffer over silly arguments. He is a great Godly man and I couldn’t have asked for a better husband.
Haley
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I really enjoyed this devotional and post. I printed them out to reread. I need serious work in this area. Thank you for being honest and helping other wives.
Lauren LaPrade
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preach it sister – a great reminder, thanks
Thank you for this very timely reminder. This year has been one of many struggles, and what seemed at the time like many defeats, in our marriage, but through God’s willingness to stand in the gaps, we’ve overcome and are working together to get back to the couple God brought us together to be. Though I’ve felt hurt, I still need to honor the man my husband is and pray for his heart- not that he would change. Thanks again for the wonderful reminder!
Mary Beth
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thanks for such great and insightful ideas:) I would love to read the book and find more ways to honor my husband:) thanks so much
Karen olivieri
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Boy~Oh~Boy… did I ever need this!!! Thank you for sharing this w/ us today. I am standing firm on this one… with the Lords help.
Please enter me into the giveaway… Pamela Anthony
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After 25 years of marriage to my dear husband, I can say we are more blessed in our marriage than ever before. It wasn't always that way! I came into our marriage with a lot of baggage from abuse and dysfuntion perpetrated by the men in my life. I too had committed not to "submit" to any man again. My poor husband was punished by the sins of my past! Your devotional & blog today reminded me of the same journey that God has led me on that has brought us to the blessings we have today. The most important thing I learned was that in not trusting & honoring my husband – I was not trusting and honoring my Father. And when I turned it all over to Him, He gave me so many things to work on in myself that I didn't have time to "fix" my husband. And if I had been my husband's "fixer" the results would have been very disappointing. Only God can do the internal work that needs to be done in each of us to bring the best results.
Thanks for your message today! I hope many women will be blessed by God's Truth in it.
Michele Elliott (Coon Rapids, MN)
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"You don't respect me." is a hard thing to hear from one's husband. The book "Love & Respect" defines these terms more precisely and what they mean to the woman (love) and the man (respect). While it is difficult to struggle with these issues in my marriage, it is encouraging to know that others are dealing with them as well. We need to pray for one another's marriages. So many of my Christian friends are divorced. My kids have more friends from divorced parents than not. Satan would like nothing more than to make my and your home the next divorce statistic! Thanks for what you do – it's worth it!
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Good Morning,
Just reading through your ideas about R-E-S-P-E-C-T and find myself failing again as a wife. I’ve had and am still having issues with being a submissive wife. Author Beth Moore has given me some guidance, but, the Lord, My Savior, is still telling me I need to do more. I’m hoping that this book your giving away would be a spiritual motivation for me to continue growing as a submissive wife.
Sincerely,
M.J. Schexnayder
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My 18 yr. marriage feels so hopeless. I hope your book can help. Years of prayer, counselling, marriage seminars, books, CD’s, etc… nothing seems to get to my husband’s heart. I’m weary and so sad for our children. I will never leave them a legacy of divorce, but what a twisted view they see of marriage and I’m tired of hiding it from others and trying to make up for my husband to my babies. Even the “Fireproof” movie and workbook he is doing doesn’t seem to be working. It’s more like a a “to do list” than a heart issue. Please pray for us.
Trusting God,
Liz
“My husband is some grandeur guy then I deserve” – I wrote that poem years ago when I was exasperated with the way life was turning out. Why, because he is always, and I mean always, positive with his faith strong in the Lord that God, our heavenly father, is our faithful provider. And me, I haven’t always supported my husband’s choices – but my husband has always loved me, supported and carried me along when I am emotionally not strong.
This year I left my job as an administrative assistance due to job stress and the stress of my parents’ failing health. My emotions are like a rollercoaster and our finances are not so strong. But my grandeur guy is the grandest of them all – loving me and staying strong in the Lord. I appreciate my husband now more than I ever have and my love for him is stronger and better.
Reading the devo and blog comments have been a blessing to me today. Thanks to all for your comments – that more than anything let me know that I am not alone. As Pam B mentioned below, I have been on my own and independent for so long that I find it extremely challenging (if not impossible) to be the submissive wife that my husband of two years wants and expects. Are there others in my situation who are older (mid-40’s), recently married and faced with live changing events in day to day normal type things that ‘I’ve always taken care of’? To add to the issues that we face, financially I am the majority contributor to our household finances – an area of frustration and resentment from my dh. I’ve always thought that with love and respect and mutual decision making, that challenges would be faced with discussion followed by love and respect. In my current situation, I, too feel that I’m in a dictator relationship (or that’s what he wants). I’ve learned that a soft word can diffuse many an argument, and what I struggle with as a believer is this – and this is where I would appreciate your comment.
I feel that I’m having to change me – to speak in a different tone, in different words, to keep the peace so that he will love me. Where is the responsibility of the dh to not fly off the handle, to not yell, throw things, etc? How can I continue to be positive and prayerful, while changing myself all for the betterment of our marriage while I feel that my dh is not working to do the same for us?
This has been an extremely stressful period for us and we’ve struggled for most of our 2 year marriage. We are at the point of separation to work through these issues. Your prayers would be appreciated as this has been hard for both of us.
Great word today! Thanks for sharing with such honesty. This is something I really need God to help me with. My heart is right, I want to honor my husband but it is so hard when your whole life men have done nothing but hurt you or the ones you love. You know you kind of start to lose respect for all men. But by the grace of God it can be restored for me and my hubby. He is such a sweetheart to put up with me. I do thank God for him and I pray I can become the wife God has intended me to be to him. He deserves to be honored. Oh dear God help me to change. Thanks again for the reminder.
i don’t know what to say… this is an answer to prayer… broken i stand before HE who is Creator of all and submit my broken, sinful, rebellious self to HIM pleading with HIM to forgive me, help me to forgive my husband and to heal this marriage that exists on paper only…after spending the better part of three years separated, with four failed relationships between us there is much to work on, much forgiveness to walk in and much to be mended, but there are also six sons and a daughter to be greatly influenced here… please, if you pray pray for me, him and us… there could not be more at stake that i get this lesson on respect. i’m still raising five of the seven children in my home, i am grieved by failure and am in desperate need for GOD”S hand to move in this situation!
peace to you
thank you
Wow!! My husband and I have been married for 4 years and have two beautiful boys. As I was reading your story I was “watching” the whole scene in my head. Talk about putting it into perspective. I am 22 and my husband is 24. I have always been the more mature person in the relationship and I tend to treat him as if he were just being immature. I caught myself thinking one day he’ll grow up and we can have real grownup conversations. After all we’re not teens anymore. God has recently started working on me about this issue of respecting him and honoring him and seeing the mature man He is creating him to be through God’s eyes. This journey has only just begun!!!! Your devo spoke right to my heart this morning. Thank you and God Bless!!!!
Sara Munoz (Yorktown, Tx)
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I really enjoyed your devotion today. My husband can be a little difficult at times, and I have to ask God for help dealing with him. I really believe that God has put us together to complement each other, and we each bring different personality traits (he’s a driver, I’m more passive) to the marriage. I know that I need to honor him and appreciate the things about him that I found attractive when I first met him! Thanks–
Just wanted to give two big thumbs up for Melanie’s book, “What a Husband Needs from His Wife.” I just finished leading a bible-study group utilizing this book and the transformation that I witnessed in the lives of the ladies and their marriages humbled me! It was such an honor to bear witness to the work that God did through that study. It was the third time that I had read the book and I learned things that I had missed on the first two readings. Melanie’s book and God’s abundant grace, have drastically improved my relationship with my husband and I give God all the honor and praise!
Hi Renee,
It seems that everytime I need to hear something from the Lord He makes a way.
Last night I was still upset with my hubby because I had asked him to take out the CHristmas Decorations on Monday and he “forgot”. So when I got home from work last night, there were the decorations on the back porch (Not where I asked him to put them)and our daughters tree out front in the yard. I immediately began my tyrant…”you don’t listen to me” you do whatever you feel like doing and nothing more” well, he blew his breath out and of course I said”don’t blow at me!” He then didnt talk to me the rest of the evening. Was I wrong for being upset? No, I was wrong for talking to him the way I did and showing him no respect. I have asked the Lord to forgive me and now I am going to call my hubby at work and ask his forgiveness also.
Thank you for the wonderful words you put out…YOU do cause an effect in peoples life’s.
Your Sister in Christ and His Daughter,
Kathy
I really needed this today. My marriage has been struggling for sometime now. It is very hard for me to keep my mouth shut when I dont like something that he has done or said in front of my kids. I have 3 kids from a previous marriage and that makes it difficult to keep quiet sometimes when I dont agree with him. He is a good man and I tell him that all the time, however I know that I could honor him more than I do. I thank god for people like you to give me that encouragement that I need so badly.
I so needed this today! We are in a tough time with my husband who has been out of work for a year now, me working and carrying the financial support, and both struggling to see what the lesson and glory is to come out of this trial! There are more days than not that I have this same attitude because of the circumstances and continue to pray to let go of teh Type A personality. We are praying for our family and to come out of this ok soon…but at the same time, I am praying for the Lord to give my husband the desires of his heart, a job and the means to support our home financially. Thank you for the words and support. Please pray for us!
Thorunn Taylor
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“my criticism wasn’t getting me any closer to my desired result.”
Oh my goodness! What an epiphany! We can really hurt with our words sometimes, that is true.
I haven’t been by here in a while, I read in an RSS Feed in my email box, but I just had to come by and tell you how moving these words were to me.
I read a great book about 10 years ago, The Excellent Wife, by Martha Peace, she talked about many of those same things.
Good stuff, we can neverget enough good marriage instruction.
Thanks again, (btw, been praying for JJ, that he recovers quickly.)
Renee,
As someone who loves her Pastor boyfriend with all her heart, I hope and pray that I continue to honor him EVERY DAY when we are united in marriage. Forgiveness is a wonderful gift from God. Thank you for your words of wisdom for women who are married now, as well as future wives.
Hi Renee,
I just got a irritated with my husband this morning because he forgot to bring the banana he didn’t eat at lunch back in the house, but left it in his truck several days. My goodness, a wasted banana!!! 🙂 I accused him of stupidity!! Then I sat down and read your devotional. Yikes – I will now trust Christ to help me honor my husband.
I needed this reminder today. I too am thankful for my husband but find it easier to not let him know how much I honor him. During this unstable time it is more important than ever. I know this book would make a difference in our marriage for the good. Thank you for your honesty in sharing.
Thank you for this insite today. I have always wanted my husband to be the leader of the family but I realized that I was telling him how to lead. I pray that I can put some of these ideas to work and be my husbands helpmate and not tell him how I think that he should lead.
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Thank you for your words of encouragement. This is something that speaks to my heart.
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Michele
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My husband and I have been married for almost 5 years, and right now he is in his first semester at seminary. I have always thought I was pretty good about submitting to my husband, but I am learning that my idea of submission is a little off from what it should be. Though it’s hard to admit, I have not honored my husband as I should in this year that we have had so much transition and change. It breaks my heart! I have sacrificed staying at home with our two year old son so that I can work and receive a scholarship so that he can go to school. Sometimes Satan convinces me that my husband doesn’t deserve my honor and respect because I am already giving up so much. I know that is a lie straight from Satan, and I am striving to fight that. Often times I forget that honoring my husband honors God. Thank you for allowing God to use you; I NEEDED those words this morning, even if they hurt!
Thank you for this message – it’s just what I needed to hear today. Things aren’t going well at home and I need to work on being a Godly wife, and let God take care of transforming my husband. I need to work on surrendering my need to be the fixer and let God work things out.
-Kristy
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Thank you for your helpful tips and for reminding us of what our role is to be as a wife!
Gail Kowalski [email protected]
Hayley
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I would love to win this book since I have just been married for 9 months and are still learning the ways to support and honor my husband.
Thanks
thanks so much for the devo. It is where I am right now, and your words are encouraging to press on, and to know that many other Christian women struggle with this issue. It can sometimes be confusing to know what our part is, and what God’s part is. We just have to unwrap our tight little grip on the situation and hand it to God…(over and over.) 🙂
Thank you for your devotional. I have struggled, too, with being honoring with my words. It’s so easy to judge our husbands for their weaknesses and so not what God wants us to do.
My husband’s job is in jeopardy, after 18 years, because of jealous and unkind supervisors and it has been a wonderful opportunity for me to encourage him and build him up with my words and prayers. God has given me such a sense of calm about this and reassured us that He “knows the plans” He has for us.
The book you are giving away sounds great. I know God will direct it to someone who really needs it.
God bless you!
Jennifer
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Thank you, we just celebrated our 23rd. wedding anniversary this past Saturday. It is NEVER to late to learn how to be the wife God created us/me to be. I still am learning everyday what a wonderful man I married. I want to learn how to truly honor him and teach our children at the same time.
Thanks.
I hope to hear from you on Friday
Jackie D.
renee
your blog was wonderful today..i totally understand the football thing! i have also struggled with being submissive…but after reading everyone else’s blog..i am blessed..i would love to have the book, would you let us know how to purchase as i would rather you give to one of the other ladies..
Thank you for this blog article and the Prov 31 devotion about honoring our husbands. This is an area I need to improve.
Karen
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Kimberly Benigni. [email protected]. I’ve been married 11 years and am looking for more ways to support my husband to be the spiritual leader God has called him to be.
Thank you so much for your encouraging words. God has really used this to open my eyes to what I have been doing. I have often done the same thing – praying for God to change my husband to be leader of our home – MY WAY. I want to submit and have him be the leader of our home, but then I don’t trust him (or Him) enough when he does make a decision and then try to change it or pray for God to change his heart.
It looks like that book could really help us – thanks for introducing me to it.
Julie Hull
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This is just what I needed to read. I am currently stuggling with my role as a godly wife. Submission isn’t something I have ever done, but my marriage is in trouble and I know that I play a huge part in it.
Thanks
April Doyle
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Hi Renee,
I would love to win Melanie’s book on marriage. One thing I have learned (but don’t always practice it perfectly!) in 20 years of marriage is that “a soft answer turns away wrath”. I have noticed if I watch my tone and volume of my voice when responding/reacting it makes a huge difference!
Needed this today!
Melissa Brown
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Thanks for your message!
Kelli
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