Okay, we’re gonna get real here today! I have an embarrassing confession to make: When JJ and I got married 15 years ago, I took out the words “honor and obey” from my marriage vows. While I’m confessing, you should also know I didn’t say I would submit to my husband either. I said I would “submit my ideas and dreams” to my husband and trust God’s leadership in our marriage. I was a baby Christian, but mainly I was measuring my words to make sure God and my witnesses didn’t catch me in a lie.
Oh, I had some serious issues going into marriage (and sometimes still do). Boy has God done a work on me though. Like many women, I was terrified that if I submitted to my husband I’d become a doormat and lose myself somewhere in the middle of letting my husband lead. I regretfully remember one time JJ told me it was easier to let me lead because it wasn’t worth the argument to him.
You’d think that’s what I wanted – to get my way. But it wasn’t what I wanted because JJ became apathetic. Soon I realized I was losing respect for my husband and it was mostly my fault. I wanted him to lead, but when he tried I’d often criticize how he led. It was a mess.
One day I was praying God would change JJ and make him more decisive, more confident, more protective and well, just more what I wanted him to be. God strongly impressed on my heart that my criticism wasn’t getting me any closer to my desired result. In fact, my frustration with JJ only contributed to the condemnation of his own insecurities and doubts as a man. (You know they have doubts, too). God also showed me I was fueling Satan’s flaming darts aimed at my husband’s heart. Here I was joining forces with the one who wanted to take out JJ as the leader of our home.
Through prayer, God showed me that my husband needed me to be his greatest cheerleader, his biggest supporter and to use the power of my words to build up and not tear down my man. He wanted me to keep my mouth closed when JJ was doing something I didn’t like or leading in a way I didn’t want to follow. He wanted me to be verbally, emotionally and spiritually encouraging when I saw things I appreciated. I was to find things I respected about JJ and let God take care of things I didn’t.
I started doing what God told me. I looked for and found things in JJ that I’d never really noticed before; I discovered things that were worthy of respect. It all started over 10 years ago. We’ve been through so much together now, and followed many of his decisions that scared me: job changes I didn’t want him to make; financial investments that seemed too risky; parenting issues that were hard.
I can say with joy that my husband is now the leader of our home. It’s taken commitment and many choices to honor him in big and small ways. And although he isn’t perfect, he’s more the man I dreamed of marrying than I ever hoped he’d be!
As I promised in my P31 devotion today, I wanted to share some practical ways we can honor our husbands and strengthen our marriages:
- Tell your husband that you believe in him!
- Don’t point out his mistakes, just fill in the gap.
- Ask God to show you ways to serve your husband.
- Don’t ever say “I told you so.”
- Say “I’m sorry” and mean it when you dishonor him.
- Say “I forgive you” and mean it when he dishonors or hurts you.
- Tell your husband that you thank God for giving him to you (and be sure you do).
- Let him overhear you telling someone something you appreciate about him.
- Support and encourage his decisions.
- Praise him when his decisions turn out well and encourage him when they don’t.
- Tell you husband each day about one thing you are thankful for – about his character, his work ethic, his provision, his humor or something his adds to your family.
- Pray for your husband every day.
Several of these ideas came from my friend Melanie Chitwood’s book, “What a Husband Needs from His Wife.”
For a chance to win this great marriage book, filled with insights, encouraging ideas and powerful stories, enter my drawing by clicking on the word “comments” below. Then type your name and email address (so I can notify you if you win) in the white box. Choose anonymous if you want to be – just come back to see if you won. I’ll announce the winner on Friday. And I’d love to know is if you have any embarrassing or fun marriage stories to tell. If not, what is one thing that makes your husband feel honored? Be sure to ask him if you don’t know the answer.
Discover more from Renee Swope
Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.
Hi Renee,
Thank you so much for sharing your story. It will help me a great deal. I recently got married on 10/18/08. Making the adjustments is sometimes difficult. You see this is my second marriage, the difference is that he is strong man of valor. This is what makes me love him so. He stands on God’s word. I am encouraged.
Sharon Christopher
[email protected]
I was looking for a devotion today that would speak to me and God lead me to yours.
Your blog was very entertaining and heartwarming and just what I needed today.
God is great. I would appreciate being in the pool for your book as funds are limited and I really can’t afford any extra luxuries right now.
Thanks for sharing with us.
God Bless,
Tammy White
[email protected]
Ouch…I find it so hard to feel honoring to my husband because of the many hurtful things he has done (intentionally or unintentionally) through the years because of his own wounds and brokenness. Sometimes I feel as though the whole world depends upon me to make everything right…my kids, my unhealthy “friends”…my husband…I have grown so weary of bearing up under this burden. I know it is right to respect our husbands as God has asked us to….and they to love us and live with us in understanding… Sometimes though…we feel there is no more to give and we are at wits end and hurt and empty and lonely…. Sometimes even God seems distant in those times…and then someone else asks us to give a little more…
I guess we just have to keep looking to God…
I also struggle with respect, and I can so easily justify it. When I read your words about helping Satan, I felt terrible. I’ve known for a while that I need to show my husband more respect. Thanks for enlightening me even more.
[email protected]
Sally Pool
[email protected]
This is my first time to visit your web site. I felt blessed by what you shared today.
I would love to win this book you were writing about.
I really need this book and would also love to win it. I am trying to battle satan for my husband (it’s been three years now and know it will be for the rest of my life). I thought I’ve learned submissiveness through this, and honoring, but sometimes I feel as if I am a doormat. I’ve prayed for his redemption and salvation and this has happened!! Praise God. Now our marriage needs healing. I want to try to do what God expects of me as a wife,but more than that I want to do it without fear, with trust, and love and to honor my husband sincerely. Today we are living together as “friends” due to bad decision making on his part when he left home the third time. He hasn’t committed yet to our marriage, thus the need to battle. Anonymous, I think I know what you are going through. There was a period when he “came back” that I just honored and respected and I was at peace and he did change, but he wasn’t saved yet so his weakness got the better of him. I stopped “claiming” our marriage, but this morning that has changed. Now I am holding God to His Promise. Love, Susan [email protected]
Hi Renee,
I laughed when I was reading your blog and your devotional this morning. You story about your son and husband is SO “my life”! I am currently reading What a Husband Needs from His Wife and it has helped me to understand my husband’s needs so much better and has helped me not to be so angry with him for not being the Christian leader I think he should be. The first thing that really spoke to me in Melanie’s book was “I’m not his Holy Spirit”. What an eye opener that was for me! LOL
Whoever wins your contest will be blessed!! And ladies for you who don’t win, buy the book. It has helped my marriage immensely.
Have an awesome day! Melissa
[email protected]
This is such a hard area for me. My parents did not have this type of relationship so I don’t really have any experience seeing this type of marriage, to model mine after. After God has shown me my errors, I soak up this type of advice like a sponge.
We’ve recently been faced with some financial difficulties due to my husband almost losing his job. Some difficult changes were ahead and my husband sat down with me and said he felt like he was fighting it alone. The Lord showed me what I was doing and I was able to show my husband that I supported him and was behind.. I could tell that he felt honored by that. And I received a sense of security being in submission to him.
I would love to have this book.
Brittany
[email protected]
Renee,thanks for sharing. I definitely to hear this. My husband recently had an arguement that probably could have been completely avoided if I had remembered this truth.
Stephenie Carlson
[email protected]
Thanks for being so honest and for sharing this post with us.
I needed that.
How does my husband feel honored? He feels respected when I choose to trust him, instead of having to be in control of everything 🙂
That sounds like an awesome book! Have a wonderful Wednesday!
Blessings,
Kate 🙂
Renee,
Thank you for your encouragement. My husband and I have had many things to work through in our marriage and using God’s word has really helped!! I really enjoy reading your blog. Keep up the good work.
Jessica A.
[email protected]
If I could put your suggestions to work everyday I know my marriage would be better. We struggle a lot and I used to think it was him. But now I think it’s me (mostly from starting to read The Love Dare). I’d love to win this book from Melanie. And if not, I’ll just go buy it!
Thanks Renee!
Diane
[email protected]
Thank you so much for sharing this today! I have been through a failed marriage, and this is one big lesson that I have learned. In my current marriage, which has a foundation on Christ, I am working each day to encourage my husband, and this friendly reminder to honor him as well.
I would genuinely enjoy this book! My heart weighs heavy to encourage marriages and relationships around me – and I think it would be a great tool for me and to share with others.
Thank you for your message today!
Blessings,
Connie Boyd
[email protected]
Hello sweet sister Renee,
I’m sorry I’ve not visited in a while, but better late than never! First, I’d like to thank you for your kind comment on my blog. It was a JOY to interview you and get to know you better.
Second I LOVE this post as teaching biblical submission is my passion and you’ll find this funny, but has been for 10 years! Can you believe the timing?
What you shared here is actually in the study God has called me to write. If you’re interested, it’s found in WEEK #2.
Thank you for being so “real” with us…that’s just ONE of the things I love about you! 🙂
Sure do love you sister,
Sunny
Oh Renee—-Well said!!! This struggle is as old as the garden. Why we continue to fall for Satan’s trick over and over again is beyond me. Thanks for the reminder. Oh….and as a point of trivia, Laura Ingalls Wilder also took the word obey out of her wedding vows. See ya!!
Renee, haven’t received the devo yet, but this post is excellent. Always appreciate your authenticity. My heart was even blessed by how honest you were in your vows years ago and didn’t want God to catch you in a lie.
You said if we don’t know what would make our husbands feel honoured just to ask him. Well, that might work for some – but my guy gets totally silent when I want to discuss deeper things that go more personal. Real heart communication is difficult for him. I feel like I play guess-work so much of the time and I pray alot asking the Lord to show me what would make my husband be honoured and respected.
I do have one funny marriage story though. Year ago we went on a Marriage Retreat weekend. The hosts of the weekend decided to play a version of “The Newleywed Game” on the Friday night. My husband and I were chosen as one of the competing couples.
To make a long story short, we were down to the last question and our score was zero! Everyone else was doing very well. It was embarrassing. The questions had been very personal – not easy like how many rooms in your house etc… All the questions revealed how well you truly DID know each other. We were doing this in front of a room full of couples we knew, so it compounded the situation and although I was laughing on the outside, I was wishing the game would hurry up and end as I knew our friends were truly shocked at how poorly we were doing. They had assumed we were this perfect little couple.
Anyway, in order to give us a chance to still win, the Host decided to make the last question worth 100 points – therefore IF we answered correctly and the other couples didn’t, we still could be victorious. They decided to change up the last question and they asked: How does your toilet paper hang on the roll – over or under? Can you believe we answered correctly – the other couples didn’t – and we won!!!
We joked at the time that when it came to the important things in marriage – like how to hang toilet paper – we were good. Victory was somehow not as sweet as anticipated, but in many ways it was an eye-opener for us. We had only been married a couple of years and we needed to dig deeper and really get to KNOW one another.
Thanks for encouraging us to have marriages that would honour the Lord.
Love, hugs and prayers,
Joy
Hi Renee,
Thanks so much for sharing
I’m looking forward to marrying a wonderful man next year and the Lord has been preparing me for this new phase in my life.
Your message is such a blessing and will prepare me for my life long relationship.
Thanks again
Kathy
GREAT POST!
always something we, women, need to work on!
i would love the book!
I’m a witness to it. I remember about a year after you married and we went to the beach, you and I. You had this big picture for your house and we were giving you some chairs…remember? And it was so hard for you to let JJ figure it out b/c you were better at spatial things…anyway I know you are a great wife. Love you,
Kelley Reep
[email protected]
Thanks Renee,
I know how easily a small negative comment (or thought) can steamroll into a barrage of negativity.
What a great reminder!
Becky
[email protected]