Okay, we’re gonna get real here today! I have an embarrassing confession to make: When JJ and I got married 15 years ago, I took out the words “honor and obey” from my marriage vows. While I’m confessing, you should also know I didn’t say I would submit to my husband either. I said I would “submit my ideas and dreams” to my husband and trust God’s leadership in our marriage. I was a baby Christian, but mainly I was measuring my words to make sure God and my witnesses didn’t catch me in a lie.
Oh, I had some serious issues going into marriage (and sometimes still do). Boy has God done a work on me though. Like many women, I was terrified that if I submitted to my husband I’d become a doormat and lose myself somewhere in the middle of letting my husband lead. I regretfully remember one time JJ told me it was easier to let me lead because it wasn’t worth the argument to him.
You’d think that’s what I wanted – to get my way. But it wasn’t what I wanted because JJ became apathetic. Soon I realized I was losing respect for my husband and it was mostly my fault. I wanted him to lead, but when he tried I’d often criticize how he led. It was a mess.
One day I was praying God would change JJ and make him more decisive, more confident, more protective and well, just more what I wanted him to be. God strongly impressed on my heart that my criticism wasn’t getting me any closer to my desired result. In fact, my frustration with JJ only contributed to the condemnation of his own insecurities and doubts as a man. (You know they have doubts, too). God also showed me I was fueling Satan’s flaming darts aimed at my husband’s heart. Here I was joining forces with the one who wanted to take out JJ as the leader of our home.
Through prayer, God showed me that my husband needed me to be his greatest cheerleader, his biggest supporter and to use the power of my words to build up and not tear down my man. He wanted me to keep my mouth closed when JJ was doing something I didn’t like or leading in a way I didn’t want to follow. He wanted me to be verbally, emotionally and spiritually encouraging when I saw things I appreciated. I was to find things I respected about JJ and let God take care of things I didn’t.
I started doing what God told me. I looked for and found things in JJ that I’d never really noticed before; I discovered things that were worthy of respect. It all started over 10 years ago. We’ve been through so much together now, and followed many of his decisions that scared me: job changes I didn’t want him to make; financial investments that seemed too risky; parenting issues that were hard.
I can say with joy that my husband is now the leader of our home. It’s taken commitment and many choices to honor him in big and small ways. And although he isn’t perfect, he’s more the man I dreamed of marrying than I ever hoped he’d be!
As I promised in my P31 devotion today, I wanted to share some practical ways we can honor our husbands and strengthen our marriages:
- Tell your husband that you believe in him!
- Don’t point out his mistakes, just fill in the gap.
- Ask God to show you ways to serve your husband.
- Don’t ever say “I told you so.”
- Say “I’m sorry” and mean it when you dishonor him.
- Say “I forgive you” and mean it when he dishonors or hurts you.
- Tell your husband that you thank God for giving him to you (and be sure you do).
- Let him overhear you telling someone something you appreciate about him.
- Support and encourage his decisions.
- Praise him when his decisions turn out well and encourage him when they don’t.
- Tell you husband each day about one thing you are thankful for – about his character, his work ethic, his provision, his humor or something his adds to your family.
- Pray for your husband every day.
Several of these ideas came from my friend Melanie Chitwood’s book, “What a Husband Needs from His Wife.”
For a chance to win this great marriage book, filled with insights, encouraging ideas and powerful stories, enter my drawing by clicking on the word “comments” below. Then type your name and email address (so I can notify you if you win) in the white box. Choose anonymous if you want to be – just come back to see if you won. I’ll announce the winner on Friday. And I’d love to know is if you have any embarrassing or fun marriage stories to tell. If not, what is one thing that makes your husband feel honored? Be sure to ask him if you don’t know the answer.
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Thanks for sharing words of truth….
Mary M
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Hi! Renee,
Today marks a great day for me, its the very first time i have read your views on RESPECT for our husbands.This year we turned 20yrs in marriage with my husband, but its like living in cabin without enough air to breathe.I need this Book you offering because i need to change. I oftern times look only at his failures and not his Positive side.Well maybe its because i have been hurt many times by what he does.
My prayer is that God through his divine grace may transform me into a noble woman,wife and mother to our two kids.Iwant my marriage happiness to be restored.please bless me with this book
Hi Renee,
Your post and devotion were very timely today. I found out my husband was having an affair 3 mos ago and have been convicted about the way I treated him and his need to go outside our home for love and acceptance. I have been trying very hard to show him love and respect in this difficult time. It is harder at some times than others, like this morning when I looked at his cell phone and saw 5 calls to her yesterday, but I feel like your devotion was in my email box for a reason and I am to just continue to show him love and respect. Thanks for your testimony
Melanie Topolewski
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My husband and I were married in our 30s. I was very independent as a single mom, a very take charge individual. Just this morning, before reading the devotion, I was asking God to soften my heart, to be more supportive of my husband. He just lost his job last week and has started the painful task of looking for a new one. If ever I need to be supportive, it is right now. Then I read the devotion. It was like God was nudging me and reaffirming that I needed to make a change. Thank you so much for the words you wrote. I would love to win the book you mentioned, knowing that I could put it to good use. Have a blessed day!
Mitzie Renwick
[email protected]
I would love to win the book. You hit a nerve with me.
Thank you for this very timely reminder. This year has been one of many struggles, and what seemed at the time like many defeats, in our marriage, but through God’s willingness to stand in the gaps, we’ve overcome and are working together to get back to the couple God brought us together to be. Though I’ve felt hurt, I still need to honor the man my husband is and pray for his heart- not that he would change. Thanks again for the wonderful reminder!
Mary Beth
[email protected]
Thank you so much for these words today. My girl friends and I pray that we will be as iron sharpening iron. That is also what I see in your words! I thank the Father for His timely words of correction and pray for the strength each day to be the help mate I am to be! Thanks,
Karen
Boy~Oh~Boy… did I ever need this!!! Thank you for sharing this w/ us today. I am standing firm on this one… with the Lords help.
Please enter me into the giveaway… Pamela Anthony
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Renee: I love your devotion and this post today!
Proverbs 14:1: “The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.” We can build our houses/homes/relationships by building up our husbands, children, friends, etc., in the Lord.
And your devo is such a great reminder that we are influencing our children, who are watching and listening. Whew…what a responsibility! Thanks for the great reminder.
Psalm 101:2
“I will be careful to lead a blameless life—when will you come to me? I will walk in my house with blameless heart.”
Still praying for JJ and hoping he is recovering well and finding creativity and real refreshment in the all-liquid diet!
This was so timely for me. thank you!
Katherine Arthington
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OH MY GOODNESS! This is for me. Prior to us having to leave our home because of the black mold, I was ready to end our marriage. I regretted getting married and was ready and willing to raise my three kids on my own. I had and still have a dear friend who has been praying for me, because she kept telling me, “it’s not him Stacey, it’s you that has to change.” Oh that made me so mad! But what a great friend I have that she would tell me the truth in love. Anyway, the day, the very moment the contractor looked at us and said, get what you have to and get out, my heart began to hurt for my husband. We were being forced out of his home, the home he had grown up in. He felt like a failure and said so. He also hurt because he felt he wasn’t providing for his family. Oh it was a painful time. All I know is that the Lord filled my heart with a compassion for him that I have never had. Eventually that compassion has turned into the love that I knew was once there, but was covered and hardened by “if you would do this, then I would do that….” Shame on me. I am still learning to be a submissive wife. I struggle after raising my oldest for over 11 years on my own. Another thing I learned was to learn my husband’s love language…touch. Yuck. I’m not good at that, but have been working on it since this entire ordeal has taken place. If we had to leave our home and live in a camper for all these weeks so that I could be a better wife to my husband, it was well worth it. Thanks for being real by the way. That’s a good thing!
Stacey Paden
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This was perfect for me today! I was just arguing with my husband about him not being on-time and how it is disrespectful to me and others. I constantly think about how he is unable to make decisions quick, and it can be very difficult for me to handle when I’m making more money than he is and I’m quite a confident person. He, on the other-hand, is very insecure, is content with not moving up the corporate ladder. I said some hurtful things last night and now I understand how important it is to respect him. I know one day he will take control, but I need to learn how to be patient and support him in the meantime (even though it is very hard at times!!!!). It’s harder for men to be confident in their lives and we need to stand behind them and be their cheerleaders.
Thank you!!
I found your message very encouraging – as I am a very strong character too and often think I could do a better job than my husband. I find it very hard to respect him and honour his decisions and always want my own way. Your ideas for thinking positively about our husbands is an excellent way to think good things about what God has given us – and they’re always for our good.
We are missionaries in central Spain – and battle with the language every day, as well as lots of other trials. Thanks again.
Debbie Mahoney [email protected]
My husband and I have been married for almost 5 years, and right now he is in his first semester at seminary. I have always thought I was pretty good about submitting to my husband, but I am learning that my idea of submission is a little off from what it should be. Though it’s hard to admit, I have not honored my husband as I should in this year that we have had so much transition and change. It breaks my heart! I have sacrificed staying at home with our two year old son so that I can work and receive a scholarship so that he can go to school. Sometimes Satan convinces me that my husband doesn’t deserve my honor and respect because I am already giving up so much. I know that is a lie straight from Satan, and I am striving to fight that. Often times I forget that honoring my husband honors God. Thank you for allowing God to use you; I NEEDED those words this morning, even if they hurt!
Hayley
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I would love to win this book since I have just been married for 9 months and are still learning the ways to support and honor my husband.
Thanks
Hi Renee,
I was reading your blog today and I think it can really help me in my marriage. Thanks for sharing your life to others.
I would love to win this book you were writing about.
Hope to hear from you,
Marjolein van Hoesel ( the Netherlands)
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Please enter me in the drawing.
Kathleen Jones
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Thank you for reminding us to put God’s Word into practice. I’ve struggled with this issue over the years, especially recently, and can see how it has affected my three sons as well as my relationship with my husband.It’s a continous battle between my flesh and The Spirit. I learned these points several years ago, but sometimes still slip into the rut of negativity. I hope to get this book for my son’s future wife. Thank you again.
Mitzie Renwick
[email protected]
I would love to win the book. You hit a nerve with me.
Renee: I love your devotion and this post today!
Proverbs 14:1: “The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.” We can build our houses/homes/relationships by building up our husbands, children, friends, etc., in the Lord.
And your devo is such a great reminder that we are influencing our children, who are watching and listening. Whew…what a responsibility! Thanks for the great reminder.
Psalm 101:2
“I will be careful to lead a blameless life—when will you come to me? I will walk in my house with blameless heart.”
Still praying for JJ and hoping he is recovering well and finding creativity and real refreshment in the all-liquid diet!