Okay, we’re gonna get real here today! I have an embarrassing confession to make: When JJ and I got married 15 years ago, I took out the words “honor and obey” from my marriage vows. While I’m confessing, you should also know I didn’t say I would submit to my husband either. I said I would “submit my ideas and dreams” to my husband and trust God’s leadership in our marriage. I was a baby Christian, but mainly I was measuring my words to make sure God and my witnesses didn’t catch me in a lie.
Oh, I had some serious issues going into marriage (and sometimes still do). Boy has God done a work on me though. Like many women, I was terrified that if I submitted to my husband I’d become a doormat and lose myself somewhere in the middle of letting my husband lead. I regretfully remember one time JJ told me it was easier to let me lead because it wasn’t worth the argument to him.
You’d think that’s what I wanted – to get my way. But it wasn’t what I wanted because JJ became apathetic. Soon I realized I was losing respect for my husband and it was mostly my fault. I wanted him to lead, but when he tried I’d often criticize how he led. It was a mess.
One day I was praying God would change JJ and make him more decisive, more confident, more protective and well, just more what I wanted him to be. God strongly impressed on my heart that my criticism wasn’t getting me any closer to my desired result. In fact, my frustration with JJ only contributed to the condemnation of his own insecurities and doubts as a man. (You know they have doubts, too). God also showed me I was fueling Satan’s flaming darts aimed at my husband’s heart. Here I was joining forces with the one who wanted to take out JJ as the leader of our home.
Through prayer, God showed me that my husband needed me to be his greatest cheerleader, his biggest supporter and to use the power of my words to build up and not tear down my man. He wanted me to keep my mouth closed when JJ was doing something I didn’t like or leading in a way I didn’t want to follow. He wanted me to be verbally, emotionally and spiritually encouraging when I saw things I appreciated. I was to find things I respected about JJ and let God take care of things I didn’t.
I started doing what God told me. I looked for and found things in JJ that I’d never really noticed before; I discovered things that were worthy of respect. It all started over 10 years ago. We’ve been through so much together now, and followed many of his decisions that scared me: job changes I didn’t want him to make; financial investments that seemed too risky; parenting issues that were hard.
I can say with joy that my husband is now the leader of our home. It’s taken commitment and many choices to honor him in big and small ways. And although he isn’t perfect, he’s more the man I dreamed of marrying than I ever hoped he’d be!
As I promised in my P31 devotion today, I wanted to share some practical ways we can honor our husbands and strengthen our marriages:
- Tell your husband that you believe in him!
- Don’t point out his mistakes, just fill in the gap.
- Ask God to show you ways to serve your husband.
- Don’t ever say “I told you so.”
- Say “I’m sorry” and mean it when you dishonor him.
- Say “I forgive you” and mean it when he dishonors or hurts you.
- Tell your husband that you thank God for giving him to you (and be sure you do).
- Let him overhear you telling someone something you appreciate about him.
- Support and encourage his decisions.
- Praise him when his decisions turn out well and encourage him when they don’t.
- Tell you husband each day about one thing you are thankful for – about his character, his work ethic, his provision, his humor or something his adds to your family.
- Pray for your husband every day.
Several of these ideas came from my friend Melanie Chitwood’s book, “What a Husband Needs from His Wife.”
For a chance to win this great marriage book, filled with insights, encouraging ideas and powerful stories, enter my drawing by clicking on the word “comments” below. Then type your name and email address (so I can notify you if you win) in the white box. Choose anonymous if you want to be – just come back to see if you won. I’ll announce the winner on Friday. And I’d love to know is if you have any embarrassing or fun marriage stories to tell. If not, what is one thing that makes your husband feel honored? Be sure to ask him if you don’t know the answer.
When I honor my husband, my marriage is stronger. God has shown me this over and over. I needed the reminder again.
Lori
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Hey lady,
Thanks for this post. My husband has so much wisdom and such a level head on him, so I don’t know why I try to sabbatage his leadership sometimes. I’m working on it with God’s help.
One time, Cliff told me the way he feels most loved by me is knowing I pray for him.
He also really likes it when I sit at his computer with him and listen to music he has just written and recorded.
Please enter me in the drawing.
Kathleen Jones
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Renee, thanks for sharing. We attended a marriage conference about 3 weeks ago and came back re energized for our marriage but amazing how quickly once we are back in reality the old habits set in. I have been having a tough week and certainly not respecting my husband…your words really hit home and spoke to me today.
Thanks
KSV
How funny! To see R-E-S-P-E-C-T at the title of today’s blog. I came over from the P31 devotional. That is something I’m trying to understand. My husband made a comment to me about not respecting him and I had to ask him what he meant. I guess there are times he feels that I’m not respecting him and I’m feeling misunderstood. This is something I’m trying to learn more about and understand better.
Thank you for today’s devo and tips. Quite helpful!
Pam
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Thanks for your honest and inspiring words.
Kim
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Renee,
Thank you for your blog today and the devotion. I have been struggling with my mariage and husband during the past week. I know I need to be a submissive wife, but I have always been very indepedent and am having a very difficult time with the submission part. My husband has been a christian for a long time, but did not attend church or other religious activities with me until a couple years ago. He does want me to submit, but sometimes it feels more like a dictatorship than a loving husband. I think this book would help me greatly see what I need to do to be the submissive wife my husband wants.
Thanks you for the blog.
Pam Black [email protected]
Thank you for reminding us to put God’s Word into practice. I’ve struggled with this issue over the years, especially recently, and can see how it has affected my three sons as well as my relationship with my husband.It’s a continous battle between my flesh and The Spirit. I learned these points several years ago, but sometimes still slip into the rut of negativity. I hope to get this book for my son’s future wife. Thank you again.
I love reading your daily devotions on P31. I especially like the one today, because this is something a lot of women struggle with but may be afraid to admit. Thanks for being honest and inspiring!
Kim Rink
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My husband is outwardly strong and the leader of our family, but all the things you’ve said here are true for him, too. We’ve been married 34 years and raised 3 daughters who struggle with the same thing of how to respect their husbands. I see what you mean about influencing them. I was told the reason God tells women to submit (respect)to their husbands and men to love their wives like themselves is these are the hardest things for each of them to do. We are missionaries in Peru now. We left our home and family in Nov of 2006 in obedience to Jesus. I love to see my husband serve the Lord with all his heart here. I wasn’t ready to leave my family but gave up my wants and dreams because I believed my husband was right, that God wanted us to serve him here in Peru. Soon we will add a new daughter to our family. A young girl will come and live with us when she turns 18, December 22nd, after living in an orphanage over 10 years. She needed a home to stay in to finish her highschool years (two more to go)and learn to be independent. God is so good!
Hi Renee,
Thank you so much for sharing your story. It will help me a great deal. I recently got married on 10/18/08. Making the adjustments is sometimes difficult. You see this is my second marriage, the difference is that he is strong man of valor. This is what makes me love him so. He stands on God’s word. I am encouraged.
Sharon Christopher
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I was looking for a devotion today that would speak to me and God lead me to yours.
Your blog was very entertaining and heartwarming and just what I needed today.
God is great. I would appreciate being in the pool for your book as funds are limited and I really can’t afford any extra luxuries right now.
Thanks for sharing with us.
God Bless,
Tammy White
[email protected]
Ouch…I find it so hard to feel honoring to my husband because of the many hurtful things he has done (intentionally or unintentionally) through the years because of his own wounds and brokenness. Sometimes I feel as though the whole world depends upon me to make everything right…my kids, my unhealthy “friends”…my husband…I have grown so weary of bearing up under this burden. I know it is right to respect our husbands as God has asked us to….and they to love us and live with us in understanding… Sometimes though…we feel there is no more to give and we are at wits end and hurt and empty and lonely…. Sometimes even God seems distant in those times…and then someone else asks us to give a little more…
I guess we just have to keep looking to God…
I also struggle with respect, and I can so easily justify it. When I read your words about helping Satan, I felt terrible. I’ve known for a while that I need to show my husband more respect. Thanks for enlightening me even more.
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Sally Pool
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This is my first time to visit your web site. I felt blessed by what you shared today.
I would love to win this book you were writing about.
I really need this book and would also love to win it. I am trying to battle satan for my husband (it’s been three years now and know it will be for the rest of my life). I thought I’ve learned submissiveness through this, and honoring, but sometimes I feel as if I am a doormat. I’ve prayed for his redemption and salvation and this has happened!! Praise God. Now our marriage needs healing. I want to try to do what God expects of me as a wife,but more than that I want to do it without fear, with trust, and love and to honor my husband sincerely. Today we are living together as “friends” due to bad decision making on his part when he left home the third time. He hasn’t committed yet to our marriage, thus the need to battle. Anonymous, I think I know what you are going through. There was a period when he “came back” that I just honored and respected and I was at peace and he did change, but he wasn’t saved yet so his weakness got the better of him. I stopped “claiming” our marriage, but this morning that has changed. Now I am holding God to His Promise. Love, Susan [email protected]
Hi Renee,
I laughed when I was reading your blog and your devotional this morning. You story about your son and husband is SO “my life”! I am currently reading What a Husband Needs from His Wife and it has helped me to understand my husband’s needs so much better and has helped me not to be so angry with him for not being the Christian leader I think he should be. The first thing that really spoke to me in Melanie’s book was “I’m not his Holy Spirit”. What an eye opener that was for me! LOL
Whoever wins your contest will be blessed!! And ladies for you who don’t win, buy the book. It has helped my marriage immensely.
Have an awesome day! Melissa
[email protected]
This is such a hard area for me. My parents did not have this type of relationship so I don’t really have any experience seeing this type of marriage, to model mine after. After God has shown me my errors, I soak up this type of advice like a sponge.
We’ve recently been faced with some financial difficulties due to my husband almost losing his job. Some difficult changes were ahead and my husband sat down with me and said he felt like he was fighting it alone. The Lord showed me what I was doing and I was able to show my husband that I supported him and was behind.. I could tell that he felt honored by that. And I received a sense of security being in submission to him.
I would love to have this book.
Brittany
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Renee,thanks for sharing. I definitely to hear this. My husband recently had an arguement that probably could have been completely avoided if I had remembered this truth.
Stephenie Carlson
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Thanks for being so honest and for sharing this post with us.
I needed that.
How does my husband feel honored? He feels respected when I choose to trust him, instead of having to be in control of everything 🙂
That sounds like an awesome book! Have a wonderful Wednesday!
Blessings,
Kate 🙂
Renee,
Thank you for your encouragement. My husband and I have had many things to work through in our marriage and using God’s word has really helped!! I really enjoy reading your blog. Keep up the good work.
Jessica A.
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If I could put your suggestions to work everyday I know my marriage would be better. We struggle a lot and I used to think it was him. But now I think it’s me (mostly from starting to read The Love Dare). I’d love to win this book from Melanie. And if not, I’ll just go buy it!
Thanks Renee!
Diane
[email protected]
Thank you so much for sharing this today! I have been through a failed marriage, and this is one big lesson that I have learned. In my current marriage, which has a foundation on Christ, I am working each day to encourage my husband, and this friendly reminder to honor him as well.
I would genuinely enjoy this book! My heart weighs heavy to encourage marriages and relationships around me – and I think it would be a great tool for me and to share with others.
Thank you for your message today!
Blessings,
Connie Boyd
[email protected]
Hello sweet sister Renee,
I’m sorry I’ve not visited in a while, but better late than never! First, I’d like to thank you for your kind comment on my blog. It was a JOY to interview you and get to know you better.
Second I LOVE this post as teaching biblical submission is my passion and you’ll find this funny, but has been for 10 years! Can you believe the timing?
What you shared here is actually in the study God has called me to write. If you’re interested, it’s found in WEEK #2.
Thank you for being so “real” with us…that’s just ONE of the things I love about you! 🙂
Sure do love you sister,
Sunny
Oh Renee—-Well said!!! This struggle is as old as the garden. Why we continue to fall for Satan’s trick over and over again is beyond me. Thanks for the reminder. Oh….and as a point of trivia, Laura Ingalls Wilder also took the word obey out of her wedding vows. See ya!!
Renee, haven’t received the devo yet, but this post is excellent. Always appreciate your authenticity. My heart was even blessed by how honest you were in your vows years ago and didn’t want God to catch you in a lie.
You said if we don’t know what would make our husbands feel honoured just to ask him. Well, that might work for some – but my guy gets totally silent when I want to discuss deeper things that go more personal. Real heart communication is difficult for him. I feel like I play guess-work so much of the time and I pray alot asking the Lord to show me what would make my husband be honoured and respected.
I do have one funny marriage story though. Year ago we went on a Marriage Retreat weekend. The hosts of the weekend decided to play a version of “The Newleywed Game” on the Friday night. My husband and I were chosen as one of the competing couples.
To make a long story short, we were down to the last question and our score was zero! Everyone else was doing very well. It was embarrassing. The questions had been very personal – not easy like how many rooms in your house etc… All the questions revealed how well you truly DID know each other. We were doing this in front of a room full of couples we knew, so it compounded the situation and although I was laughing on the outside, I was wishing the game would hurry up and end as I knew our friends were truly shocked at how poorly we were doing. They had assumed we were this perfect little couple.
Anyway, in order to give us a chance to still win, the Host decided to make the last question worth 100 points – therefore IF we answered correctly and the other couples didn’t, we still could be victorious. They decided to change up the last question and they asked: How does your toilet paper hang on the roll – over or under? Can you believe we answered correctly – the other couples didn’t – and we won!!!
We joked at the time that when it came to the important things in marriage – like how to hang toilet paper – we were good. Victory was somehow not as sweet as anticipated, but in many ways it was an eye-opener for us. We had only been married a couple of years and we needed to dig deeper and really get to KNOW one another.
Thanks for encouraging us to have marriages that would honour the Lord.
Love, hugs and prayers,
Joy
Hi Renee,
Thanks so much for sharing
I’m looking forward to marrying a wonderful man next year and the Lord has been preparing me for this new phase in my life.
Your message is such a blessing and will prepare me for my life long relationship.
Thanks again
Kathy
GREAT POST!
always something we, women, need to work on!
i would love the book!
I’m a witness to it. I remember about a year after you married and we went to the beach, you and I. You had this big picture for your house and we were giving you some chairs…remember? And it was so hard for you to let JJ figure it out b/c you were better at spatial things…anyway I know you are a great wife. Love you,
Kelley Reep
[email protected]
Thanks Renee,
I know how easily a small negative comment (or thought) can steamroll into a barrage of negativity.
What a great reminder!
Becky
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Thanks for sharing words of truth….
Mary M
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Hi! Renee,
Today marks a great day for me, its the very first time i have read your views on RESPECT for our husbands.This year we turned 20yrs in marriage with my husband, but its like living in cabin without enough air to breathe.I need this Book you offering because i need to change. I oftern times look only at his failures and not his Positive side.Well maybe its because i have been hurt many times by what he does.
My prayer is that God through his divine grace may transform me into a noble woman,wife and mother to our two kids.Iwant my marriage happiness to be restored.please bless me with this book
Hi Renee,
Your post and devotion were very timely today. I found out my husband was having an affair 3 mos ago and have been convicted about the way I treated him and his need to go outside our home for love and acceptance. I have been trying very hard to show him love and respect in this difficult time. It is harder at some times than others, like this morning when I looked at his cell phone and saw 5 calls to her yesterday, but I feel like your devotion was in my email box for a reason and I am to just continue to show him love and respect. Thanks for your testimony
Melanie Topolewski
[email protected]
My husband and I were married in our 30s. I was very independent as a single mom, a very take charge individual. Just this morning, before reading the devotion, I was asking God to soften my heart, to be more supportive of my husband. He just lost his job last week and has started the painful task of looking for a new one. If ever I need to be supportive, it is right now. Then I read the devotion. It was like God was nudging me and reaffirming that I needed to make a change. Thank you so much for the words you wrote. I would love to win the book you mentioned, knowing that I could put it to good use. Have a blessed day!
Mitzie Renwick
[email protected]
I would love to win the book. You hit a nerve with me.
Thank you for this very timely reminder. This year has been one of many struggles, and what seemed at the time like many defeats, in our marriage, but through God’s willingness to stand in the gaps, we’ve overcome and are working together to get back to the couple God brought us together to be. Though I’ve felt hurt, I still need to honor the man my husband is and pray for his heart- not that he would change. Thanks again for the wonderful reminder!
Mary Beth
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Thank you so much for these words today. My girl friends and I pray that we will be as iron sharpening iron. That is also what I see in your words! I thank the Father for His timely words of correction and pray for the strength each day to be the help mate I am to be! Thanks,
Karen
Boy~Oh~Boy… did I ever need this!!! Thank you for sharing this w/ us today. I am standing firm on this one… with the Lords help.
Please enter me into the giveaway… Pamela Anthony
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Renee: I love your devotion and this post today!
Proverbs 14:1: “The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.” We can build our houses/homes/relationships by building up our husbands, children, friends, etc., in the Lord.
And your devo is such a great reminder that we are influencing our children, who are watching and listening. Whew…what a responsibility! Thanks for the great reminder.
Psalm 101:2
“I will be careful to lead a blameless life—when will you come to me? I will walk in my house with blameless heart.”
Still praying for JJ and hoping he is recovering well and finding creativity and real refreshment in the all-liquid diet!
This was so timely for me. thank you!
Katherine Arthington
[email protected]
OH MY GOODNESS! This is for me. Prior to us having to leave our home because of the black mold, I was ready to end our marriage. I regretted getting married and was ready and willing to raise my three kids on my own. I had and still have a dear friend who has been praying for me, because she kept telling me, “it’s not him Stacey, it’s you that has to change.” Oh that made me so mad! But what a great friend I have that she would tell me the truth in love. Anyway, the day, the very moment the contractor looked at us and said, get what you have to and get out, my heart began to hurt for my husband. We were being forced out of his home, the home he had grown up in. He felt like a failure and said so. He also hurt because he felt he wasn’t providing for his family. Oh it was a painful time. All I know is that the Lord filled my heart with a compassion for him that I have never had. Eventually that compassion has turned into the love that I knew was once there, but was covered and hardened by “if you would do this, then I would do that….” Shame on me. I am still learning to be a submissive wife. I struggle after raising my oldest for over 11 years on my own. Another thing I learned was to learn my husband’s love language…touch. Yuck. I’m not good at that, but have been working on it since this entire ordeal has taken place. If we had to leave our home and live in a camper for all these weeks so that I could be a better wife to my husband, it was well worth it. Thanks for being real by the way. That’s a good thing!
Stacey Paden
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This was perfect for me today! I was just arguing with my husband about him not being on-time and how it is disrespectful to me and others. I constantly think about how he is unable to make decisions quick, and it can be very difficult for me to handle when I’m making more money than he is and I’m quite a confident person. He, on the other-hand, is very insecure, is content with not moving up the corporate ladder. I said some hurtful things last night and now I understand how important it is to respect him. I know one day he will take control, but I need to learn how to be patient and support him in the meantime (even though it is very hard at times!!!!). It’s harder for men to be confident in their lives and we need to stand behind them and be their cheerleaders.
Thank you!!
I found your message very encouraging – as I am a very strong character too and often think I could do a better job than my husband. I find it very hard to respect him and honour his decisions and always want my own way. Your ideas for thinking positively about our husbands is an excellent way to think good things about what God has given us – and they’re always for our good.
We are missionaries in central Spain – and battle with the language every day, as well as lots of other trials. Thanks again.
Debbie Mahoney [email protected]
My husband and I have been married for almost 5 years, and right now he is in his first semester at seminary. I have always thought I was pretty good about submitting to my husband, but I am learning that my idea of submission is a little off from what it should be. Though it’s hard to admit, I have not honored my husband as I should in this year that we have had so much transition and change. It breaks my heart! I have sacrificed staying at home with our two year old son so that I can work and receive a scholarship so that he can go to school. Sometimes Satan convinces me that my husband doesn’t deserve my honor and respect because I am already giving up so much. I know that is a lie straight from Satan, and I am striving to fight that. Often times I forget that honoring my husband honors God. Thank you for allowing God to use you; I NEEDED those words this morning, even if they hurt!
Hayley
[email protected]
I would love to win this book since I have just been married for 9 months and are still learning the ways to support and honor my husband.
Thanks
Hi Renee,
I was reading your blog today and I think it can really help me in my marriage. Thanks for sharing your life to others.
I would love to win this book you were writing about.
Hope to hear from you,
Marjolein van Hoesel ( the Netherlands)
[email protected]
Please enter me in the drawing.
Kathleen Jones
[email protected]
Thank you for reminding us to put God’s Word into practice. I’ve struggled with this issue over the years, especially recently, and can see how it has affected my three sons as well as my relationship with my husband.It’s a continous battle between my flesh and The Spirit. I learned these points several years ago, but sometimes still slip into the rut of negativity. I hope to get this book for my son’s future wife. Thank you again.
Mitzie Renwick
[email protected]
I would love to win the book. You hit a nerve with me.
Renee: I love your devotion and this post today!
Proverbs 14:1: “The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.” We can build our houses/homes/relationships by building up our husbands, children, friends, etc., in the Lord.
And your devo is such a great reminder that we are influencing our children, who are watching and listening. Whew…what a responsibility! Thanks for the great reminder.
Psalm 101:2
“I will be careful to lead a blameless life—when will you come to me? I will walk in my house with blameless heart.”
Still praying for JJ and hoping he is recovering well and finding creativity and real refreshment in the all-liquid diet!