This week in Chapter 8 of A Confident Heart, we’ve been talking about the comparison trap and learning discovering that something special we each have to offer! One thing that is absolutely essential is acceptance. God wants us to accept who we are as well as the gifts, personalities, idiosyncrasies and life experiences we’ve been given so we can embrace and become the woman HE created us to be. When we accept ourselves and the blessing God speaks over our life – then we discover what we have to give – and the joy that comes with it!
Today I have a special guest, Kay Warren, wife of Pastor Rick Warren of Saddleback Church in Lake Forest, California. In her new book, “Choose Joy” Kay shares the path to experiencing soul-satisfying joy no matter what you’re going through. She says, “Joy is deeper than happiness, lasts longer than excitement, and is more satisfying than pleasure and thrills. Joy is richer. Fuller. And it’s far more accessible than you’ve thought possible.”
From Choose Joy, chapter 7: Practice Acceptance
I am a perfectionist. It’s not something I’m proud of, but I have jokingly said that I am a card-carrying member of the Perfectionists Club of America. I expect perfection from myself and others, and from the world I live in—which means I’m always setting myself up for disappointment.
I want my hair to look just right—and yet it never curls the same way twice. I precisely follow the manufacturer’s directions for washing a new shirt, and it shrinks the first time I wash it. I go to church, and there’s a typo in the song lyrics on the screen. And I get really upset because things are not, well, perfect.
I’ve been known to ask out loud, “Why is perfection so difficult?” Is it any wonder I get a few raised eyebrows in response? The answer to my question is simple. Perfection is not difficult. It’s impossible. It’s impossible because of what happened in Genesis 2. When Adam and Eve decided to eat the fruit off that tree so they could be like God, they unleashed a curse on our world. The world doesn’t understand it. They call it Murphy’s Law: If anything can go wrong, it will. They think it’s cute and clever, but it’s really Genesis 2 in action.
Perfectionism has its roots firmly planted not only in Genesis 2 but also in the environment we grew up in. Often a hard-to-please parent, family member, or highly respected teacher or coach can seriously damage our developing sense of self, causing us to carry around their “voice” in our heads as an inner critic.
How about you? Does your desire for perfection significantly interfere with your job or your ability to achieve your goals? Does it get in the way of developing deep relationships? Perfectionism’s reach extends to eating disorders and anxiety disorders. It’s nasty. Have you discovered that chasing after perfection robs you of joy and peace?
Richard Carlson writes, “I’ve yet to meet an absolute perfectionist whose life was filled with inner peace. The need for perfection and the desire for inner tranquility conflict with each other.”
What a relief it was for me to realize a few years ago that my desire for perfection in and of itself is not wrong. We were made for it! We were made for perfect bodies. We were made for perfect relationships. We were made for perfect minds. We were made to live forever. Something deep inside us calls out for what was lost, so we keep reaching for it, keep trying to find that perfection our souls long for.
So it’s not wrong to long for perfection; it’s just wrong to expect it on earth. It isn’t found here. There truly is something wrong with everything. That’s not just me, an Eeyore, talking. It’s recognizing the fact that we live under the curse. Perfection will only come when God creates the new heaven and the new earth and paradise is restored. Paradise was lost in Genesis 2. But in Revelation 21 it is restored. When that prophecy is fulfilled, all we long for will be restored to us. God tells us he will “wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain. . . . ‘I am making everything new!’” (Rev. 21:4–5).
That means no more living under the curse. It means hair that curls properly every time. Song lyrics with no typos. Conversations with no misunderstandings. It means no more relationships that go sour. No more mental illness. No more bodies that don’t work right. No more cancer. Everything that has been broken will be restored. That’s a reason for joy.
The antidote to perfectionism is acceptance—acceptance of our earthly imperfections because we are focused on the day when imperfection will be no more. If I try to experience perfection here on earth, I will come up short every time. If I keep looking for perfection within myself, I will kill the joy in me. You and I need to fire our inner critic!
When I accept myself as I am instead of who I wish I was, when I accept those around me as they are, not as I wish they were, when I accept the world as it is, not as I wish it was, my joy in today as well as my hope for tomorrow can grow.
Thank you so much Kay for giving us the antidote to perfectionism. I know I need to fire my inner critic for sure! If you’d like to find out more about Kay, be sure visit her website. Also, tomorrow my friend Holly Gerth is sharing another excerpt from Kay’s book so be sure to hop on over to read more from “Choose Joy” on Friday.
Win a copy: Share your thoughts about today’s post and you’ll be entered to win a copy of Kay’s book, Choose Joy. We’re giving away two copies!
I’m for sure a perfectionist. NOT fun! I have been sensing for a couple of months how God is wanted to return joy to me. I’m not perfect. Jesus is! To lean more on Him and the JOY of the Lord is my strength. Looking to him for all today. I’m glad I’m not alone in this walk. I choose JOY today.
I live with a man who is a perfectionist. My husband expects perfection of himself and others. It is very frustrating to hear him explain his failures or his lack of trying if he can’t do it perfectly. In turn, I hear how imperfect me and my children (we are a “blended family”) are and how if we would just learn from him we could be better. It’s daunting and debilitating. It’s crippling and frustrating. You can imagine the strife and confusion that seems constant in my household. My husband is a professed believer and he is currently in a strong place in his relationship with God. I trust that God will move him away from this idea that he can be perfect and expect perfection from himself and everyone else. I trust that God will help me to know that He (God) is with me when I am hurt and confused by the demands given to me to be perfect and that I cannot possibly be perfect in this imperfect world.
i LOVE THE FOCUS ON JOY RATHER THAN HAPPINESS. THEY BOTH SOUND LIKE ELATED EMOTION; HOWEVER, CONTENTMENT IS A BETTER FOCUS THAN HAPPINESS & IT SEEMS THAT JOY IS MORE OF AN ANCHORING IN GOD’S TRUTHS THAT RUN THROUGH US & WE REALLY NEED TO HOLD ONTO SO WE ARE NOT RELIANT ON THE FLEETING FEELING OF EMOTION- WHICH IS NEVER CONSISTANT. I AM DEFINATELY GOING TO DO SOME DIGGING INTO GROWING IN TRUE JOY.
It is always encouraging to hear that I am not the only one that struggles with perfectionism. My sister-in-law was jut recommending Choosing Joy for my next read. I think she is right. Sound awesome.
I am reading “A Confident Heart” and have begun to read your blog posts. Thank you for your courage an honesty. Kay’s book sounds like it is something I need to read as I discover what in my past is holding me back from total surrender to God. I have a daughter who is entering K soon and I want don’t want to be a critical voice to her.
Why do our strengths also have to be our weaknesses. Perfectionism can be a good thing, but used in a negative way when judging others can be bad. I need to remember to let go & not judge, afterall, He is the ultimate Judge and I have no business ranking others. I too have failed. Thanks for the reminder.
Oh how I feel the pain of being a perfectionist in a non-perfect world. I try so hard to accept things as they are and realize that everything does not have to be perfect. Even my dog. He feels that he must be first in everything and it somewhat embarrases me in front of my friends with their dog. Poor baby is not perfect. Reading all that I have during this study is gradually sinking in. The reality that the world won’t end if things aren’t perfect. Today I actually left dishes in the sink. Walked away and didn’t look back. It really is OK for me to do this.
Just what I needed to hear today. Thank You!
I am getting close to finishing Joan Webb’s year-long devotional Meditation for Christians Who Try to be Perfect. God has used it tremendously in this perfectionist’s life. I would love to win and read Kay’s book!
Renee- I am loving your study and praying that God will show me the special gifts that He has given to me and reveal the opportunities where He wants to use me. I am so where you were. I don’t feel like I have any special abilities to offer. I have compared and come up short with those who have the “best gifts”. I have served in areas mainly b/c no one else would or b/c I wanted people to think well of me. Thankfully, I had a wise friend who told me it was okay if I stopped volunteering at church when my third child was born. It felt very weird not to be “doing something” at church. A couple of times, I felt compelled to sign up to volunteer again b/c I was asked. I always said “yes” before, but I did not. I would love to learn the truths of this chapter and know with certainty where God wants to use me.
“Perfect” is a word that should be reserved for describing our great God! At our house, we encourage one another by saying, “Practice makes progress.” 🙂
Good day ladies,
I want to thank you for this – I have just recently confronted a family member – my dad – I have always felt I didn’t measure up. Just last week I came head to head and spilled by inner feelings. I am not one for confrontation or agruements. I was tired of hearing want a dissapointment I was. How I wasn’t strong enough to care for my children. How what I did in the past has given me the outcomes of my children today. I did my best with what I had. I couldn’t help it when my husband came home and said honey I got a heart problem, I don’t love you any more. That tore me up and I didn’t recovery quickly – it took me 5 years to get it all back together. But God was with me all the way. And even how HE is with me going through the situation presently. I just had to get it straight before I didn’ t have the chance to let my dad know I was tired of the way he was and has treated me. It’s a bit rocky now but I have left all this to the LORD too! He is in control. I seek my joy – the joy and peace that only my FATHER above can give me. SO, I have tried to spend time every morning to praise my Heavenly Father. TO slow down and wait on HIM. I don’t know if it’s discipline or redirecting me back to HIS plans for me. But I have felt my joy come. Not long ago I started a prayer journal – need did one, but in it I wrote – Joy is internal in Christ/Happy is circumstance an outward emotion. I rather have joy any day – it last longer than anything, for it is eternal. Thank you for the encouraging words – it’s amazing how GOD does work in our lives. I have come back to HIM again and HE is there – what an awesome GOD we have! His love endures forever, I am choosen and HE LOVES ME! Amen and Hallelujah!
We live in a fallen world that is not operating as it was originally designed to exist. This is a reminder I need every day because it helps me eliminate “why” from my vocabulary! And that in turn eliminates one unnecessary step between the Lord and me as we commune together about how He would like me to move about in the places He has me. Oh Lord, help us let go of any desire for perfection except You. AMEN.
Trusting and letting others help me is something I have struggled with so I can relate.
Great quote: Richard Carlson writes, “I’ve yet to meet an absolute perfectionist whose life was filled with inner peace. The need for perfection and the desire for inner tranquility conflict with each other.”
I love what Kay writes…
When I accept myself as I am instead of who I wish I was, when I accept those around me as they are, not as I wish they were, when I accept the world as it is, not as I wish it was, my joy in today as well as my hope for tomorrow can grow.
This really spoke to me…Thanks Renee for posting from
her book..my word this year is Joy so Choose Joy is a perfect read! Excited to read it after A Confident Heart!
Blessings to you today!
My name is Joanna, and I am a perfectionist. Oh, how the truths of God’s Word have helped me combat this daily struggle! I often find myself relating to my children with old tendencies, though, and I know I need to work harder to shower them with grace and show them joy.
Thankyou so much for including the words of Kay Warren from her book ‘Choose Joy’, it was such a great encouragement and how my heart cries out for joy. i experience the joy she talks of in fleeting glimpses in my life, but I long for a deeper experience. Mostly because I desire to share that with others and I am quickly learning that if I want to share something with others then I have to experience it first. So that it is not just words. I am also reminded that joy ison a similar level to ‘ peace that passes all understanding’, it is far beyond the actual circumstances you are in. I long to share all this with a young woman I know who struggles with perfection and comparison issues, so that she too can know joy and peace in her life. Thankyou again, I am learning so much from all you share.
Sad to say I still struggle with perfectionism and as a new homeshcooling mama I’ve had to really hold it in, especially when it comes to my children cutting and colouring. Drives me potty but managed not to take it off them and done it myself.
I so struggle w/ perfectionism as well. And, sad to say I passed it on to my daughter who has it worse than I do! She finds it difficult to complete a task b/c it has to be perfect! I ache for her. We are beginning to recognize it though, which is the first step in overcoming this. Also, to give myself permission to like myself
Yes, guilty as charged, a perfectionist. I used to think this was an admirable trait but this post shows me that being a perfectionist zaps the joy from my life and the lives of those around me. Boy do I need this book as a followup to confident heart. I want to experience the fullness of joy God speaks of in the bible but somehow feeling responsible for making sure nothing ever goes wrong and attending to my entire families needs I never seem to reach the joy God wants me to have because I’m preoccupied with being perfect for everybody else.
So, I guess that all boils down to giving ourselves (& others) GRACE in life! I need that. Thank you!
wow, its hard to admit I can so relate to this… Im not just anal… I’m anal retentive… it’s funny because it’s so true… we can get to caught up in making sure that everything is just perfect or at least that’s the intent… but on this side of heaven it’s just not going to happen… What a great relief it really is to know that while we can strive to attain perfection… as long as we do our best and aline our actions with GOD’s will … all will be just fine… because He makes things perfect… He turns our hick-ups to make them just right… So grateful and I would love a copy of this book… Had not heard of it.. but now I know… Thanks.
This is my daughter to a T and I’ve tried to help her understand, but her responses are there is a place for everything and everything needs to be in its place. I forwarded this to her hoping she reads it I would love to see her joy back again.
This chapter really spoke to me – I am always comparing myself to others and always feel I am lacking. I have been guilty of being critical of my husband and children for the way they did or did not do things and in a tone of voice I wished I hadn’t used. I don’t know why I feel like I am always right because I know I am not. I want peace and joy in my life and my family. Thanks for providing this study to make me think and be more accepting of myself and others!
The antidote to perfectionism is acceptance! ACCEPTANCE! I need to always remember this…
I SO LOVE THIS: When I accept myself as I am instead of who I wish I was, when I accept those around me as they are, not as I wish they were, when I accept the world as it is, not as I wish it was, my joy in today as well as my hope for tomorrow can grow. JOY & HOPE!
Thank you Kay
Thank you Renee
Aloha from Hawaii xoxoxo
Practicing Acceptance and perfectionism don’t quit fit into the same context for me. I am not a perfectionist. I am an artist and I let God make the painting or what ever I am doing. However it turns out that is just the way I figure he wants it. For example: I was doing a painting of my client, Marie’s King Charles Spaniel, Maggie. Her daughter has a sister of Maggie and her name was Allie. As I painted the picture it looked more and more like Allie until I decided it was Allie and not Maggie. It is 3 years later. Marie died and her daughter got Maggie and the painting. Allie died shortly after Marie did, so the daughter ended up with the mother’s dog and the painting of her dog that had died. Only God does stuff like, that…who would have known.
I am a member of this club! I am so super hard on myself, I choke my joy and peace so quickly with my perfectionism. Thanks for sharing…I need this word today!
Would like to win the book. Be grateful for what you have for someday it may be gone. I choose to be positive and happy most of the time.
Oh this is so me, If I can’t do it right, I get depressed and want to quit and do nothing. I’m not as critical of other’s as I am of myself. I need to learn to accept me too! I would LOVE to win Kay’s book. Thanks for the opportunity!
Blessings,
Sounds like we all have the same problem! I’m climbing on the wagon with all my sister Perfectionists with the desire to flip to Acceptance…..how simple, yet PROFOUND….TRANSFORMING! Thank you for this post!
A great teaching! I am soooo critical of other people and things at times, and disappointed in myself at the same time. (As a past proofreader, typos REALLY bug me.) I pray for guidance to true joy and simple acceptance. .
Thank you for this timely message, it hit right to the core of my being! I look forward to reading and hearing more from Renee and Kay.
Thank you for sharing Kay’s words of wisdom that perfection is waiting for us in heaven! Something to look forward to!
Yes, I have to accept that I am not perfect, and just as God accepts and loves me (with my many imperfections), I need to accept and love others. That has been so important in my career as a teacher and especially as a mom.
Several things spoke to me from Chapter 7 of Choose Joy!
I am a definitely a perfectionist – not so hard on others – but terrible to myself! 🙁
I do feel like that is robbing me of peace & joy – I am truly warn out trying to be “everything”
for everyone in all aspects of my life – as a wife, mother, employee, church volunteer, etc.
I can’t allow myself to do anything half way!
it is good to hear that perfection is impossible! I need to reflect & pray on that on!
What a powerful & wonderful reminder that perfection does not come on earth!
And I will work to ACCEPT as you suggested!
Thank you for speaking to me in such a powerful way through these words!
I think because of my perfectionism I was drawn into the comparison trap,or was it the other way around?! Either way, it is so hard to get out of either one and they are both traps of satan and he lures you in and by the time you realize what is going on you are in too deep and now have to find your way out of the trap. But it is so freeing when you start to release the hold they both have on you and when you put your focus on Christ and realize He is the only perfect one and He wants me who is never going to be perfect it helps release the hold they have on you~~~anxious to get the book and read it~~Thanks!
would be beyond blessed if i won this book…thank you for giving me the chance to do so.Gods Peace :O)
I have always compared myself to others and of course I didn’t measure up. I’ve always been jealous of my step sister, because she made better life choices than me, thinner than me, more driven than me….etc. I have to ask God to help me see my worth as He does and quit comparing myself to others.
I was not familiar with this book but it definitely sounds like one that I would really enjoy reading….am anxious to get a copy of it myself.
Yes, it is so easy to get caught in the trap of perfectionism, and, therefore disappointment. It is hard to let go, but I am guessing the resulting joy will be worth it!
Wow, what a timely post for me. I have fought perfectionism all my life. I had to be the perfect student, daughter, coworker, etc., etc. and was devastated when I didn’t measure up. I was taken in by the world’s lies and the world’s vision of happiness and success. God is showing me that I am never going to measure up in this World, but am accepted by Him just as I am. It is so freeing to realize that I don’t have to conform to the world’s version of my life, but need only be obedient to my loving Father.
Thanks for the wonderful post and your wonderful ministiry.
I can so relate to this. I struggle with perfectionism, and often don’t do things because I am afraid to fail. I’m trying to push beyond that and do things anyway, and accept that I don’t have to be perfect all the time, but it’s hard sometimes.
Wow, I have always expected so much of myself and continually let myself down and it leads to depression and self-doubt and low self-esteem. I want to please others and when I don’t, I am crushed. I am working towards acceptance. I know The Lord loves me for me. I just have to keep working and staying close to Him.
I am a perfectionist as well! This looks like such a good book.
WOW!!! I sat in a bit of shock after reading the first 2 paragraphs because I could have written them. This was just what I needed to read!!!!!!!!
I am a perfectionist and it makes life difficult! It’s hard becaue I don’t measure up and friends don’t. There are no perfect friends, no perfect me. I’m tough on the job because I only accept perfect in me and others. I’m trying with God’s help to learn to relax and let life happen and not get upset about what comes that’s not perfect. Not criticizing myself and others. I grew up with a perfectionist Dad who made me re-do my homework until perfect nightly! He was tough on me, it made me stronger but I am too much like him. Lots to have God chisel away in me. I also have been plegued most of my life with eatting disorders, and a lack of confidence.
I’m so thankful for this study, I don’t get online much to post, but read all the email and when I can bounce online read the posts of my “sisters” also working through this confidence thing.
Blessings all!
I really need help with silencing my inner critic. I berate myself constantly for not measuring up. I want to “choose joy”! 🙂 Thanks!
I love it when I read something and the Holy Spirit so uses the words to touch me that it brings tears to my eyes! I had this reaction reading this post. I suffer from anxiety disorders. I was on medication for 5 years to control anxiety. I am battling anxiety still but the Lord is helping me. I had never connected my perfectionist tendencies to my anxiety disorder until reading today’s post. I even strive to be perfect for God, and well, I can’t be perfect and the enemy has been using those imperfections to discourage me and make me ineffective for God’s kingdom building.
What a relief that learn that acceptance is the antidote to my perfectionist tendencies-and my anxieties! And just as I was starting to condemn myself for being a perfectionist, I love that Kay says its ok that we seek perfection. We were made for perfection, its just that its not on this earth! Thank you Jesus for allowing me to be accepted in your eyes and that one day we will be perfect in a perfect world! And not only will acceptance calm my anxieties it can bring joy?! WOW. My heart’s desire is joy and peace.
I hope to put this into action: “When I accept myself as I am instead of who I wish I was, when I accept those around me as they are, not as I wish they were, when I accept the world as it is, not as I wish it was, my joy in today as well as my hope for tomorrow can grow.” Thank you for sharing this excerpt!!
Natalie,
I got just as much from your comment as I did Kay’s excerpt. Thank you for sharing!
Perfectionism is surely a kill joy!! Thanks for making this crystal clear.
Months ago I saw a poster on some website that said, “comparison is the thief of joy.” Such a great reminder! I used to be a perfectionist, but after many years, realized that it doesn’t exist here on earth. Acceptance does bring joy. I’m a happier person after letting go of always trying to be perfect. I’d love to read Choose Joy. Thank you for hosting this giveaway.
Wow!!! This comment really hit me “When I accept myself as I am instead of who I wish I was”. I have often had trouble accepting myself for who I am. I know that the Lord is working on me too see me as who He made me to be. Reading this has made me realize that I am not perfect nor will I ever be. I just need to focus on the promises He has for me and not allow the enemy to still my joy by whispering lies to me.