This week in Chapter 8 of A Confident Heart, we’ve been talking about the comparison trap and learning discovering that something special we each have to offer! One thing that is absolutely essential is acceptance. God wants us to accept who we are as well as the gifts, personalities, idiosyncrasies and life experiences we’ve been given so we can embrace and become the woman HE created us to be. When we accept ourselves and the blessing God speaks over our life – then we discover what we have to give – and the joy that comes with it!
Today I have a special guest, Kay Warren, wife of Pastor Rick Warren of Saddleback Church in Lake Forest, California. In her new book, “Choose Joy” Kay shares the path to experiencing soul-satisfying joy no matter what you’re going through. She says, “Joy is deeper than happiness, lasts longer than excitement, and is more satisfying than pleasure and thrills. Joy is richer. Fuller. And it’s far more accessible than you’ve thought possible.”
From Choose Joy, chapter 7: Practice Acceptance
I am a perfectionist. It’s not something I’m proud of, but I have jokingly said that I am a card-carrying member of the Perfectionists Club of America. I expect perfection from myself and others, and from the world I live in—which means I’m always setting myself up for disappointment.
I want my hair to look just right—and yet it never curls the same way twice. I precisely follow the manufacturer’s directions for washing a new shirt, and it shrinks the first time I wash it. I go to church, and there’s a typo in the song lyrics on the screen. And I get really upset because things are not, well, perfect.
I’ve been known to ask out loud, “Why is perfection so difficult?” Is it any wonder I get a few raised eyebrows in response? The answer to my question is simple. Perfection is not difficult. It’s impossible. It’s impossible because of what happened in Genesis 2. When Adam and Eve decided to eat the fruit off that tree so they could be like God, they unleashed a curse on our world. The world doesn’t understand it. They call it Murphy’s Law: If anything can go wrong, it will. They think it’s cute and clever, but it’s really Genesis 2 in action.
Perfectionism has its roots firmly planted not only in Genesis 2 but also in the environment we grew up in. Often a hard-to-please parent, family member, or highly respected teacher or coach can seriously damage our developing sense of self, causing us to carry around their “voice” in our heads as an inner critic.
How about you? Does your desire for perfection significantly interfere with your job or your ability to achieve your goals? Does it get in the way of developing deep relationships? Perfectionism’s reach extends to eating disorders and anxiety disorders. It’s nasty. Have you discovered that chasing after perfection robs you of joy and peace?
Richard Carlson writes, “I’ve yet to meet an absolute perfectionist whose life was filled with inner peace. The need for perfection and the desire for inner tranquility conflict with each other.”
What a relief it was for me to realize a few years ago that my desire for perfection in and of itself is not wrong. We were made for it! We were made for perfect bodies. We were made for perfect relationships. We were made for perfect minds. We were made to live forever. Something deep inside us calls out for what was lost, so we keep reaching for it, keep trying to find that perfection our souls long for.
So it’s not wrong to long for perfection; it’s just wrong to expect it on earth. It isn’t found here. There truly is something wrong with everything. That’s not just me, an Eeyore, talking. It’s recognizing the fact that we live under the curse. Perfection will only come when God creates the new heaven and the new earth and paradise is restored. Paradise was lost in Genesis 2. But in Revelation 21 it is restored. When that prophecy is fulfilled, all we long for will be restored to us. God tells us he will “wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain. . . . ‘I am making everything new!’” (Rev. 21:4–5).
That means no more living under the curse. It means hair that curls properly every time. Song lyrics with no typos. Conversations with no misunderstandings. It means no more relationships that go sour. No more mental illness. No more bodies that don’t work right. No more cancer. Everything that has been broken will be restored. That’s a reason for joy.
The antidote to perfectionism is acceptance—acceptance of our earthly imperfections because we are focused on the day when imperfection will be no more. If I try to experience perfection here on earth, I will come up short every time. If I keep looking for perfection within myself, I will kill the joy in me. You and I need to fire our inner critic!
When I accept myself as I am instead of who I wish I was, when I accept those around me as they are, not as I wish they were, when I accept the world as it is, not as I wish it was, my joy in today as well as my hope for tomorrow can grow.
Thank you so much Kay for giving us the antidote to perfectionism. I know I need to fire my inner critic for sure! If you’d like to find out more about Kay, be sure visit her website. Also, tomorrow my friend Holly Gerth is sharing another excerpt from Kay’s book so be sure to hop on over to read more from “Choose Joy” on Friday.
Win a copy: Share your thoughts about today’s post and you’ll be entered to win a copy of Kay’s book, Choose Joy. We’re giving away two copies!
Discover more from Renee Swope
Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.
I definitely need to read her book… just a few days ago I said to someone…
I need to belong to ‘Perfectionists Anonymous’ … “Hi, my name is Laurie and I’m a perfectionist!” LOL!!
I struggle with perfectionism. My mantra lately has been “Accept Good Enough.” (It is so hard to put that into practice.
Wanted to let everyone know that Kay offers at her website, free “Choose Joy” video devotions. When you sign up, for 30 days you’ll receive an email from Kay with a link to a short video where Kay shares portions of her book. They are awesome. (I’ve listened to some of them over and over!) http://kaywarren.com/devotions/
Thanks for the link Carol! 🙂 I just signed up!
Oh the timing of this was “perfect” for me! I finished my last final for the school quarter this afternoon and I spent my drive home afterwards whining and complaining and putting myself down because I know I didn’t do it perfectly.. I also know that my grade in the class won’t be what I want it to be. I also worry that my grades won’t be “perfect” enough to get me into a nursing program. Instead of accepting how far I’ve come I still struggle with this thought that if I were perfect my life would be better. If my hair is perfect, or my makeup perfect, or my clothes, that someone will love me. That if only I could figure out how to be the perfect entertainer or the perfect conversationalist all things would be better. Instead… I am a tired 44yr old single mom, who is a full time student trying to do it all on my own and most days my hair ISN’T perfect, or I have a stain on my clothes.. Learning that what matters is how God see’s me.. TRYING to rest in that!!!
Lori,
Wow! Sounds like alot on your plate! (in addition to the topic of the study) Just remember, as far as school is concerned: One day at a time. One test at a time. Where you are weak or lacking, He will pick up the slack!
Raising your family on your own…hmmm…I think the same advice fits here too!
I too have been fighting with “If I only could/would etc”….but the further I get into this study and really let it sink in………….He is changing me. I understand what you mean by TRYING to rest…. it feels impossible, but …IDK…just picture yourself being held in your big, strong Father’s arms…and rest there!
Praying for you to receive that rest you are so deeply desiring and that you would come to know how “perfect” you are to Him!!
I loved reading this today. I definitely have some perfectionist tendancies. I think it’s more like, I feel like I have to do everything better than everyone else, or people won’t like me because of my flaws. This definitely relates to what Kay said about that critical voice in our heads. I have started to realize lately, that it’s not what other people think about me that matters so much, it’s what God thinks of me and He loves me, Praise God. Thanks for sharing this and of course, I hope I win the book:>)
oh, you don’t know perfect this was for me. Really struggling with some things that have been happening that I haven’t been happy about and I really have had a hard time choosing to be joyful. Thanks for allowing God to use you.
Being a perfectionist often keeps me from starting projects or even dreaming because if I can’t do something perfect, I won’t even begin or try.
I am making progress with this with the Lord’s help and he is slowly teaching me that he made me a detailed person on purpose.
I can totally relate to what Kay writes. I have often described myself as a perfectionist as well. The interested part is that I have tried to find the root of how this entered myself because I never grew up feeling like I had to over-achieve. I absolutely love the quote by Rick Carlson, “I’ve yet to meet an absolute perfectionist whose life was filled with inner peace. The need for perfection and the desire for inner tranquility conflict with each other.” That is so true. I understand totally that my needs for things to always be “just right” creates much unnecessary anxiety and stress in my life. I have been striving to let go of things and totally rest in the Lord. It is easier said than done, but I am making progress. Thanks so much for the encouragement.
So longing for perfection isn’t wrong? Thank you for dwelling on that. Our very souls are wired with the longing for what could be… or should be… but can’t be yet. Just having the perspective that some day things will be put right is enough. There will be a day. Until then: acceptance that it isn’t time yet. What a gift to not be made to feel that our inner desires are wrong, they just not going to be met for a while yet.
I have been struggling with perfection all my life, and it gets in the way of really getting close to people. I am always worried that they will find out who I “really” am, and I won’t measure up. This reading was very helpful to me, because it pointed out that we all strive for perfection, which is normal, but that perfection just isn’t possible while we are on this earth. It reminded me to put my trust in God, that he has made me the way I am for a reason, and all I have to be is that me.
God’s joy doesn’t follow the definition of the world’s joy. Worldly joy is found in things, Godly joy is found in Him who transcends all circumstances.
This post (and book) could not come at a more appropriate time. I can tell lately that I’m more aware that God is working in my life. It’s not so much of my own perfectionism that is troubling since I am learning to allow myself to let go; it’s dealing with the perfectionism in the family tree that is so deeply rooted into the depths of the earth that is difficult and causing strain in relationships of those very close to me. Praying that I stay grounded in God’s word to walk through this valley.
God & I are still working on this particular issue! Thank God he’s not through with me yet!! Acceptance really is key. Realizing that I can’t change everything, and that this world was not created just to make me happy. I don’t settle for less than what my Heavenly Father wants for me, and have learned that His ways are higher and better that my way could ever be! Thank you for such a timely reminder that it’s not about me, but ALL about HIM!!
I think I am beginning to understand that my trouble with giving grace and love to my children is that I am having a hard time accepting who they are. As young as they are, I expect so much from them. Maybe too much….perfection. I never would have said I am a perfectionist, but I am, and it shows in how I react to the way things happen. I would love to read this book!
I had always been a perfectionist. Your comments today are so wise. In my 20s I figured out how to let go of perfection and begin to accept myself and truly accept Christ’s Death on the cross as ENOUGH for all the things I couldn’t get right. My 30s have been spent helping others accept themselves so God could have all of them. Until we accept ourselves and stop TRYING to be perfect, we aren’t surrending all of ourselves to God and our joy is sucked out of us.
Thank you for sharing all your experiences in your book and your comments here today!
Blessings!
I am sooo guilty of this. I have an anxiety disorder that I am sure stems from my need to have perfection in my life, with my child, marriage, friendships, and job. I am sure if I could just accept that I am not perfect and not everyone around me is I would be able to feel true joy, not just intermittent happiness. Thank you so much for this post, it truly does give me some meaningful insight on this issue. Let Go, Let God, words I need to truly live by.
I loved this quote from Kay, “What a relief it was for me to realize a few years ago that my desire for perfection in and of itself is not wrong. We were made for it! We were made for perfect bodies. We were made for perfect relationships. We were made for perfect minds. We were made to live forever. Something deep inside us calls out for what was lost, so we keep reaching for it, keep trying to find that perfection our souls long for.” I had always thought perfectionistic qualities were worldly, vein, and even something shameful. I made myself feel even worse for wanting to be perfect, by being ashamed of it on top of it all! Now I understand that desire for perfection, the desire that almost killed me in my youth through an eating disorder, and has made me doubt everything about myself, or out an out dislike it. However, I also know I don’t want it to take over my thoughts any longer, my time, or spill over into how I raise my daughter, or how she sees me, and never to follow that example. I have spent my whole life seeking perfection, and I am learning through Renee’s book that the Lord loves me just as I am, and I try to keep reminding myself of that daily, and rely on God’s promises. I think if I don’t win this book, it will for sure be on my to be read list! I need it! Between the two books it will be the double dose of truth on what God has to say about perfectionism I have always needed. I loved hearing from Kay today! Thanks Renee, and thanks for sharing Kay! 🙂
~ I unfortunately am a “defeated” perfectionist and have been all my life. I don’t believe it is due to anyone’s influence though, as I had a wonderful environment and was surrounded by encouragement while growing up. But rather, I think it is just simply an inner struggle that is going on within me. I have struggled with this since the very beginning, as early as I can remember really … never feeling like I was being good enough, often times feeling let down by people and circumstances, always being hard on myself whenever I mess up and make a mistake. And always, always striving to be more like Christ! 🙂 So, I would LOVE to win this book and find out if there is any hope for me to change!
I am a controller also. I don’t care if things are perfect as long as they are done MY way. I’m really trying hard to let go of this and accept that my way is not the only way. As the mother of two teenagers, this is difficult, but I am working on it and getting better. Thanks for a timely post!
Well, I no longer try to be perfect. I learned about Celebrate Recovery where everybody had “hurts, habits and hangups” and it was okay. What a relief. I discovered nobody but God was perfect. I’d had very little happiness up til then. I didn’t know I could choose how to feel. Being God’s creation,His masterpiece I have access to joy…way better than happiness. And now I’m learning to have a confident heart. Life is good,huh?
Thanks for this opportunity.
I had to give up the “perfect” image my mother had instilled in myself and both my sisters about 10 years ago. Spent 42 years trying to meet her expectations until I realized God’s view of me is the best one! PTL!