This week in Chapter 8 of A Confident Heart, we’ve been talking about the comparison trap and learning discovering that something special we each have to offer! One thing that is absolutely essential is acceptance. God wants us to accept who we are as well as the gifts, personalities, idiosyncrasies and life experiences we’ve been given so we can embrace and become the woman HE created us to be. When we accept ourselves and the blessing God speaks over our life – then we discover what we have to give – and the joy that comes with it!
Today I have a special guest, Kay Warren, wife of Pastor Rick Warren of Saddleback Church in Lake Forest, California. In her new book, “Choose Joy” Kay shares the path to experiencing soul-satisfying joy no matter what you’re going through. She says, “Joy is deeper than happiness, lasts longer than excitement, and is more satisfying than pleasure and thrills. Joy is richer. Fuller. And it’s far more accessible than you’ve thought possible.”
From Choose Joy, chapter 7: Practice Acceptance
I am a perfectionist. It’s not something I’m proud of, but I have jokingly said that I am a card-carrying member of the Perfectionists Club of America. I expect perfection from myself and others, and from the world I live in—which means I’m always setting myself up for disappointment.
I want my hair to look just right—and yet it never curls the same way twice. I precisely follow the manufacturer’s directions for washing a new shirt, and it shrinks the first time I wash it. I go to church, and there’s a typo in the song lyrics on the screen. And I get really upset because things are not, well, perfect.
I’ve been known to ask out loud, “Why is perfection so difficult?” Is it any wonder I get a few raised eyebrows in response? The answer to my question is simple. Perfection is not difficult. It’s impossible. It’s impossible because of what happened in Genesis 2. When Adam and Eve decided to eat the fruit off that tree so they could be like God, they unleashed a curse on our world. The world doesn’t understand it. They call it Murphy’s Law: If anything can go wrong, it will. They think it’s cute and clever, but it’s really Genesis 2 in action.
Perfectionism has its roots firmly planted not only in Genesis 2 but also in the environment we grew up in. Often a hard-to-please parent, family member, or highly respected teacher or coach can seriously damage our developing sense of self, causing us to carry around their “voice” in our heads as an inner critic.
How about you? Does your desire for perfection significantly interfere with your job or your ability to achieve your goals? Does it get in the way of developing deep relationships? Perfectionism’s reach extends to eating disorders and anxiety disorders. It’s nasty. Have you discovered that chasing after perfection robs you of joy and peace?
Richard Carlson writes, “I’ve yet to meet an absolute perfectionist whose life was filled with inner peace. The need for perfection and the desire for inner tranquility conflict with each other.”
What a relief it was for me to realize a few years ago that my desire for perfection in and of itself is not wrong. We were made for it! We were made for perfect bodies. We were made for perfect relationships. We were made for perfect minds. We were made to live forever. Something deep inside us calls out for what was lost, so we keep reaching for it, keep trying to find that perfection our souls long for.
So it’s not wrong to long for perfection; it’s just wrong to expect it on earth. It isn’t found here. There truly is something wrong with everything. That’s not just me, an Eeyore, talking. It’s recognizing the fact that we live under the curse. Perfection will only come when God creates the new heaven and the new earth and paradise is restored. Paradise was lost in Genesis 2. But in Revelation 21 it is restored. When that prophecy is fulfilled, all we long for will be restored to us. God tells us he will “wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain. . . . ‘I am making everything new!’” (Rev. 21:4–5).
That means no more living under the curse. It means hair that curls properly every time. Song lyrics with no typos. Conversations with no misunderstandings. It means no more relationships that go sour. No more mental illness. No more bodies that don’t work right. No more cancer. Everything that has been broken will be restored. That’s a reason for joy.
The antidote to perfectionism is acceptance—acceptance of our earthly imperfections because we are focused on the day when imperfection will be no more. If I try to experience perfection here on earth, I will come up short every time. If I keep looking for perfection within myself, I will kill the joy in me. You and I need to fire our inner critic!
When I accept myself as I am instead of who I wish I was, when I accept those around me as they are, not as I wish they were, when I accept the world as it is, not as I wish it was, my joy in today as well as my hope for tomorrow can grow.
Thank you so much Kay for giving us the antidote to perfectionism. I know I need to fire my inner critic for sure! If you’d like to find out more about Kay, be sure visit her website. Also, tomorrow my friend Holly Gerth is sharing another excerpt from Kay’s book so be sure to hop on over to read more from “Choose Joy” on Friday.
Win a copy: Share your thoughts about today’s post and you’ll be entered to win a copy of Kay’s book, Choose Joy. We’re giving away two copies!
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“The antidote to perfectionism is acceptance” — it has been said before but I loved reading this! I’m going to adopt it as my new mantra because I too am a card carrying member of Perfectionists Club of America. Driven to perfectionism by all the possibilities you listed, at 66 I still struggle to let go. The timing for your post was, may I say, perfect. I’m struggling with writing a memoir because I want it to be perfect NOW! You have given me manna for my soul and much food for thought. Thanks and God’s blessings on both of you inspirational women.
I can’t say I’m a perfectionist, but I’m a controller…I like to do things a certain way and if it isn’t I scream. Learning that God made us all different and God made each of us exactly how He wanted us to be is huge. Believing it is another depth to His grace that I am discovering:) I do still need to remember that I am not perfect and I will never have a 20 year olds stomach that hasn’t had 4 kids…though I would still like one, my stretch marks are a sign of the joy of carrying my kids. This book continues to show me how much I’ve grown, but how much more I still need to do. Thanks, Renee!!
Kristi, I never thought about stretch marks that way…”JOY marks” LOVE IT!
This is so what my sister & I are going through with our mother RIGHT now!! God is ALWAYS so on time!!
Hi Ladies
Growing up with an alcoholic grandmother, an absent father and a mother who wanted our life to look good to others was a reciepe for failure. I tried so hard to do the “right thing.” The only problem was I had no idea what right was. I was taught by the nuns to be a good girl and do as I’m told. When I failed there were severe consequences. I wasn’t allowed to tell anyone “family business” and I always wondered why. Later I learned we are only as sick as our secrets and boy was our family sick.
In all that mess I learned the only chance I had to survive was to be invisible and that meant being perfect. Even when I wasn’t, I couldn’t believe I was anything less than right. Only problem with that is I made other people wrong. I was exhausted keeping up the pretense.
I will re-read this, the concept that caught my eye is the one about anxiety being caused by perfectionism. I have asked in prayer for God to help reveal to me ways to deal with it. Voila, He answered!! Cool.
Oh my gosh, this is me. I want everything to be the perfect fairy tale: work, my partner, my kids, my house, and especially myself. And I’m miserable! Miserable and currently alone because I’ve succeeded at alienating everyone around me. Thank you so much for this article. I have a lot of work to do but at least now I have a little bit of hope.
I definitely need to “fire my inner critic.” Still working on that… How I long for that day when everything that has been broken will be fully restored! Thanks, Renee and Joy.
Wow, my first thought was also “OUCH”. That’s me to a T and I am not proud of it either. It’s so difficult to break that chain of thinking this way especially when we chalk it up to “doing things with excellence”….afterall it’s kingdom work and its for God isn’t it? I also admit that I would experience more Joy if I wasn’t so hard on myself and others. I work hard at everything in my life and I also expect it from others hence the feeling of disappointment always creeps up on me. Would love to win this book and consider it for my next book club study!
I have fallen into the perfectionism trap. And when I can’t get it. I give up. Acceptance as an antidote- what a wonderful idea.
This is so me, struggling to accept who I am in Christ instead instead of rejoicing in the freedom He brings. Thank you for the wonderful encouragement!
The little perfectionist editor in me just saw that I posted the word instead twice….oops. ;0)
Didn’t notice it Robin!
Perfectionism leads me to give up and dispair. I feel like “why try, I’m just going to mess it up anyway.” I need to learn that things don’t have to be perfect, just OK. Help!!
I have struggled with perfectionism for as long as I can remember. Even as an elementary student I remember if my paper was not perfect I would tear it all up and start all over again. I know I developed this from abandonment issues that are being prayed through and have come to the CROSS on my knees with my face to the ground to ask for forgiveness when I impose my perfectionism on my lil ones and my husband.
GOD has broken many chains off of me and I am so thankful for HIS Grace that I am able to wake up to everyday!!
I am a work in progress, however my FATHER has brought me a long way through my marriage and my children….
I would truly enjoy reading Choose Joy….
Thank you Renee from the bottom of my heart for all of your encouragement, prayers, and allowing GOD to use you in such a mighty way..
OUCH!!!! Today’s post is soooo about me…who’s the fly on the wall! 😉
I am getting much better though…just the smallest of things would ruffle my feathers. It use to really bother me if the pillows on the couch weren’t straight or fluffy enough, dishes in the sink, bed unmade as soon as you roll out of it…and the list goes on. I’m positive that my children would agree that I’m a “hard-to-please parent”. Thank you so much for sharing a portion of Kay’s book with us. I’m not yet all that I could/should be, but THANK GOD, I’m not what I used to be! I choose JOY and to practice acceptance.
One line that really stuck out to me was “accept myself as I am instead of who I wish I was’ . Easy to see what I don’t have (any longer or “Compared” to others). But right now at least none of that is going to change. The days I accept my situation & especially me as I am are much more positive than the ones when I don’t.
So timely!! I’ve fallen into the comparison trap in a big way recently. Thank you for these words today. You are one of many God is using to speak to me this week and I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it!
Wow! This is so powerful & for real – I am humbled.
I came across his website through a colleague three weeks ago and its been such a blessing.
May God give me grace to accept others the way they are – the world would be a better place.
I really enjoyed reading this today and glad I learned of your website. My girlfriend and I are both perfectionist on different levels. We knowing this are always working on being better in Christ especially with the “judging others” and ourselves, that is in us. Being we are accountable to each other we share our thoughts and revelations with the goal of growth in Christ. I will be sharing this excellent excerpt with her, thank you for your ministry.
I guess when your ok with you, you will be ok with others. Sometimes it’s hard to get the balance between accepting yourself and working on areas in your life that do need improvement.
Hi Beth. This is so true. I am not ok with others because I am not ok with myself…
The antidote to perfection is acceptance! What an awareness, I’ve never looked at acceptance as being part of the solution to my perfectionism. I’ve always believed my perfectionism was a weakness because it has lead me to burnout, anger, resentment (etc)for never reaching the perfection my mind seeks. I laughed out loud when Kay writes:
You and I have to fire our inner critic!
That’s a reality lol!
Thank you Renee and Kay for another great and helpful post!
Karen
If I could speak with Kay, I would quote Dori from “Finding Nemo” and ask her – are you my conscience? I’ve wasted so many years wrestling with my inner critic – the one whose expectations I can never measure up to -that I’ve become one of those people who lives under the motto, “If you’re not going to do it right, then don’t do it at all.”
As I look around at my home, my husband, and my children (my treasures), I realize that over time, as “life & stuff” have piled up, I’ve let a more and more go undone until it’s too overwhelming to do anything – I’ve become paralyzed from taking action.
When I discovered P31M (where have you been all my life?), I learned of Renee’s study and Glynnis Whitwer’s study “I Used to be so Organized”. If it had been left up to me, I would have tried to tackle “Organized” first. God seemed to know that I would have been doing it in my own strength and that I needed to take back the Confidence I once had in order to succeed in other areas.
Renee’s encouragement is like fresh water in a parched land. I’m definitely adding Kay”s book “Choose Joy” to my wish-list!
Blessings ~ Jackie
Oh how I can relate to leaving things undone, but the sad thing is I have allowed what’s most important to fall by the wayside, such as the spiritual well-being of my household (because my husband does not have a relationship with Christ). Another part of the reason for this is I believed the voice in my head that said I couldn’t handle it on my own. As I have begin to re-prioritize my life and actually taking time for the most important things (such as family time), I can see where I have fallen short as the spiritual head of the household. I would love to read that book “I Used to be so Organized.”
Lakeeia
Dear Lakeeia ~
You have a very difficult additional challenge, in the fact that your husband is not a Christian. Can I just tell you how proud it makes me of our God that He is faithful to convict us in order to restore us?! And, although I can take no credit, I am proud of you for responding in obedience to God’s conviction and facing those challenges head-on with the power of the Holy Spirit!
I have been in that place of “living in regret” and it is a deep pit that the enemy tries to drag me back to often. But we have to be on guard against his schemes so that he won‘t outwit us (2 Cor 2:11), because condemnation is not of God and living in regret is not where He wants us to continue to live.
Yes, we must take responsibility to correct our conduct once we’ve been convicted, and there is no doubt that we deserve to reap the consequences of what we’ve sown. But I also believe with all of my “repentant heart” that:
God is Faithful to forgive confessed sin (1 John 1:9)
God’s mercies are new every morning, Great is His Faithfulness (Lam 3:23)
God does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities (Psa 103:10)
God will restore the years that the locusts have eaten (Joel 2:25)
God is for us – who can be against us? (Rom 8:31)
Pausing to pray for your husband’s (and children’s) salvation; For God to show Himself Mighty in your life; And for your endurance as you persevere to seek God with all of your heart.
Many Blessings ~ Jackie
Jackie,
Thank you so much for this. I never really thought about it this way. When I read your reply, it made me cry because it so true. I have been living in a pit of regret and I want out. Thank you for your prayers for my family. I really appreciate it. I’m realizing now-just how much I need the Lord. Pride has blinded me to this. I can’t you enough. Now I know..
Lakeeia
Jackie–
Thank you for sharing. I can SO relate. I too am overwhelmed and paralyzed!!! But I cannot seem to “accept” as Kay shared above. I try to and I try to focus on what matters for eternity, but it still irks me that I can’t get my life in order. And when it’s your home that’s unorganized, it’s a constant reminder (of failure, to me). I appreciate your transparency and encouragement. I’m trusting the Lord and pursuing Him for His strength to accomplish what He would have me accomplish. Thanks again!
Tanya
Dear Lakeeia and Tanya ~ (This “posting” thing is new to me, so I hope you both get this.)
Well you both made me cry. Thank you for letting me share and for your encouragement. I was talking to myself as much as anyone else because this is a battle that I am continually (if not constantly) engaged in.
When I read your posts, as well as all the others – I had this mental picture of each of us limping along like the walking wounded (I know – it’s not supposed to be this way!) Then it was as if God was showing me that by linking our arms together, He can make of us a mighty hedge against the enemy – by joining forces, standing united, praying for and encouraging one another – He can not only change us, but He can use us to change the world.
What a concept! What a Savior! What a God!
Tanya ~ I get it. Oh, how I get it. Knowing the truth and accepting it can be worlds apart. The frustration of having our failures thrown in our faces day after day is exhausting, and frankly I believe it’s more than we can handle in our own strength. Praise God we don’t have to. That’s why I believe the Lord led us Renee’s insight through “A Confident Heart.”
Lakeeia ~ It’s my honor and privilege to pray for you and your family.
God is so Good! ~ Jackie
Hebrews 3:13
Tanya,
I know the feeling of not being able to get organized, especially at home. It seems like everything I try in my own strength leaves me feeling empty and worn out. It seems like that is my daily prayer–“Lord, give me strength to make it through this day.” I often feel like what I am doing is all being done in vain. I keep telling myself that I need to seek God and my heart concerning the reason and purpose for everything I do then maybe I won’t feel that way. I thought I was the only woman who felt this way. I am so thankful for this forum and women like you, Jackie, and the others. It helps me to see that I’m not running this race alone. Thank you!
Lakeeia
HI KAREN 🙂 Ditto me too…
The antidote to perfectionism is acceptance! ACCEPTANCE! I need to always remember this…
I SO LOVE THIS: When I accept myself as I am instead of who I wish I was, when I accept those around me as they are, not as I wish they were, when I accept the world as it is, not as I wish it was, my joy in today as well as my hope for tomorrow can grow. JOY & HOPE!
Thank you Kay & Renee
Karen I dedicate this song to you:
If you all get a chance go to youtube and look for this song:
“THANK YOU” BY: THE KATINAS
LYRICS TO SONG:
Just a little while longer I wanna pray
Can’t get You off my mind so I came to say
Thank You Lord just for loving me
Many times as I do forget
Every need that You have met
Oh thank You Lord, I know You’re showing me
You are there when I am down and out
You’re holding me, Your love is so amazing
Oh it changed me
Chorus:
Here I am with all I am
Raise my hands to worship You
I wanna say thank you, oh thank you
For everything, for who You are
You cover me, You touch my heart
I wanna say thank you
I could have died in my sin but You saved me
Didn’t have any hope at all
You gave me peace divine, strength to carry on
I should have been the one to pay
But instead You took my place
My Jesus, words cannot explain
Even though I don’t deserve Your love for me
You look beyond my fault and You showed mercy
CHORUS
I wanna say thank you for the sun
I wanna say thank you for the rain
Everything You do is beautiful
I’m so grateful for Your love
Aloha from HawaiixoxoxoxDonna
Today’s post is right on time. As I read it, I realized that I had this discussion with my husband a year ago. I told him that he expected everyone around him to be perfect. I now realize that it wasn’t him, it was me. While I read the post, I wished that I could go back and change all of the things I have said and my wrong behaviors toward my husband, toward my children, and other family members. Because I have been so focused on myself, I can’t/couldn’t see the trees because of the forest. My heart is grieved because I have hurt so many people, but I couldn’t see past myself (pride, arrogance, low-confidence, self-doubt, etc). Wow, what an eye-opener. Thank you, Renee and Kay for such an awesome resource.
Also thanking Renee and Kay for a “perfect” chapter on perfection. I am very guilty of being a perfectionist and have to confess it often to the Lord. Once I realized how I set my twisted expectations on others, (thank you Lord!) I found it much easier to give those expectations to God rather than have that attitude with others.
Acceptance is so important, thanks again for the reminder. Lord Bless my sisters here today! amyfaith
I think my perfectionism was tied to my low self-esteem. I learned a teaching that my born again spirit is perfect, righteous and holy. My soul and body didn’t get saved. Once I realized this it turned me from thinking I needed to pray more, read the Bible more to get blessings from God. I was able to have joy when I went from sin- conscious to SON- conscious. Thank you Jesus.!!