Lord, what’s wrong with me? What woman wouldn’t love to go to Charleston, SC for her birthday? I love spending time with my friends, shopping and eating Low Country cuisine. Why does my heart feel sad about leaving home for a few days?
I talked to God and myself as I walked down the airport corridor trying to find my gate. I’d be leaving in 45 minutes and landing in another 45 in Charleston. I hadn’t been able to get enough hugs from JJ and the boys when they dropped me off. Funny how every time they squeezed me, my stomach felt a little better.
It was Sunday afternoon and my friend Margaret was driving 5 hours to spend my birthday with me the next day and attend an event I was speaking at Monday night. We’d go out for dinner Sunday night and then stay up late reading magazines and talking about fashion and Starbucks and how we can get her husband to retire in Charlotte. Then I’d fly back Tuesday afternoon. Sounds like fun, huh?
My mind said “yes,” but my heart wanted to stay home with my family. Then I felt guilty for all the moms who’d read about my heartache on my blog, and secretly wanted to slap me because they would move mountains for this kind of get-away.
Finally I begged God to help me understand why I was feeling this way. Was I just wanting what I didn’t have, or not wanting what I did have? Please tell me you have these kind of conversations with yourself. If I were not going, I’d probably wish I were! Was I just being discontent?
Discontent…that is the word that unraveled God’s answer. For years I had prayed He would help me be content as a mom and a wife. When our kids were younger I had a hard time staying home. I wanted to be going and doing. I didn’t want to be home cleaning and cooking and being a mom who never got any appreciation. Home was a hard place for me to be, and it wasn’t just because life was monotonous.
When I was growing up, my home was not a haven. It was unpredictable and chaotic at times. My parents were divorced and my mom had to work a lot to make ends meet. When she got remarried, my step father wanted her to spend the weekends with him. It never really felt like family and rarely was everyone home together. So I spent most of my time as a teen working at the mall, hanging out at my friends houses or spending time at my boyfriend’s house, with his family. My heart learned to detach from home and find a place of belonging somewhere else.
I recognized the same pattern in my heart once I got married and we had kids. Even though I finally had a family, I didn’t know how to be a family. My natural instinct was to want to be off doing something with someone else.
Once I realized what was happening, I started asking God to change my desires and give me a love for being home. A satisfaction in the sweet smell of fresh laundry and sweaty boys, and dirty dogs and a flannel lovin’ Hokie husband.
This weekend while I was away, I realized my heart was sad because God had answered that prayer years ago and even more so that I had asked or imagined. He’s given me an abiding contentment in what I have at home. Instead of wanting to leave, it’s where my heart longs to be. But sometimes He asks me to give it up and go; to move away from what is now most comfortable; to find my heart’s comfort in Him…and to bring His comfort to others through my speaking ministry.
When I remembered what God has done, all my sadness went away. I was able to thank Him for making me the woman He wants me to be and open my heart to receive the blessings He had for me as part of my birthday and my speaking event. As I opened my heart with expectancy, it filled with joy and peace in being right where He wanted me to be that day. It was great and I am so glad I got to go! (I’ll post photos this weekend.)
I am learning that only Jesus can bring the contentment I long for. Only He can change the desires of my heart to match His. And more than anything, He wants my heart to be at home with HIM, wherever that may be.
If you are visiting my blog from P31 devotions, thanks for stopping by. I hope you’ll come back often and ponder with me the everyday adventures of God’s grace where He helps us see beyond who we are – to who we can become – in Him.
Post a comment below and tell me, do you ever have this back and forth pull on your heart? Are there areas in your life that God has given you contentment you never had before? Or areas I can pray for you today, that He’d bring His peace? I’d love to hear about them.
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I too have had those discontented feelings at times. I am content now to be at home, and thankful that my husban’d job allows me to home with the kids. I struggle with being content with what I have, not where I am. I see things in the stores and want, I see magazines or catalogs, and want, it is a different contentment I deal with.
I have learned skills to counteract these desires, but it is only through Jesus that we can be truly happy in any circumstance.
Thanks for the gentle reminder today.
Ah, there you are! 🙂 I bookmarked the wrong blog – your HeBrews Faith Cafe on my blog site – and thought you didn’t post much. I’ve missed a treasure this week! So glad to find the “active one”.
Renee – I have loved finding your blog and your post was so relevant. I know that I have a “back and forth” pull often. And I have to have some serious chats with God about it. 🙂 My husband is the one who wants to go everywhere and do everything bringing us all along with him – when my heart longs for some homebody moments at home. Sometimes I think it’s just fear – fear of what could happen “out there.” Other times I think it’s me pulling and fighting against a fast-paced society.
But truly, when I have many, many blessed days at home – I long to go do something active.
I think Satan is that breeder of “discontent.” We’d do so well to not let him in and just go where the wind carries us!
I have loved reading your comments. It’s been like having coffee with a friend just listening…to struggles, joys and encouragement. Don’t you just love knowing that you are not alone in your thoughts, your struggles, questions and desires? I do!!!
Iam praying for each of you today by name or pseudo name, God knows your name if I don’t and He knows just what you need.
Father, thank you so much for each woman, each new friend. Thank for a place to be real each other and ourselves about where we are, where we’ve been and where we long to be.
Thank you for those who have walked a little longer down life’s path and can look back in their journey and encourage us along the way. Thank you for those who have affirmed our desire and efforts to have our hearts at home whether we are there full time or not.
Father, I pray that you would reveal Yourself to us in amazing ways through Your Word and through the lessons our lives are teaching us each day. We cannot find our way without Your Word as a lamp for our feet and a Light for our path.
We love you in Jesus’ Name, Amen.
Hi Renee! Love your post my friend…I do visit here often even though I usually don’t leave a comment. I appreciate you – you are wise, honest, and you share water bottles with me!!! It doesn’t get much better than that!
Renee,
Thank you so much for sharing your heart.
The year 2007 was the most trying year of my life. The Lord had brought me to a place of choosing between my career and my life, my husband or another lifestyle, my Lord’s will or my own will. Through this trial of a year, the Lord has blessed me by letting me be home to care for my most treasured gifts my boys and my husband.
I still have a lot to sort through, sin to deal with, and I struggle with contentment every day. But I am counting each of these as joy because my Lord still loves me and wants me to be in His will.
Through all of this the Lord has allowed me to build a website that encourages families to spend time and grow stronger together.
I love your blog! Thank you!
Hi Renee,
Thank you for this precious post. It looks like you aren’t alone in your thoughts from the amount of comments here. I too had those struggles early with knowing I was to be home, but not always enjoying it as much. I praise God how He has changes my heart to be more focused on our home as well. Praise God for how He spoke to you this week.
Renee, This post really spoke to my heart. I wrote a little something about it on my blog and you can read my Jan.19 entry here: http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/Lilliepad
You are such a blessing!
Enjoyed your post. I love being a mom and wife and have always been a bit of a homebody. A perfect day for me is being at home with my family enjoying each others company.
I’d like to offer tracey a little advice. I have a daughter graduating from high school this year. You would not believe how quickly that time passed by. I know right now it seems like nothing gets done and your life is a bit unorganized but please trust me when I say that you will have enough time to keep a clean house and get your basement finished when those boys are grown. Right now, enjoy every moment you have with these incredible blessings of God. Stay the course ~ it will be worth it!
Right now I am the opposite. I have one child at 11 years old, and am working outside the home. My heart longs to have another child and just stay at home and be a mommy. I was a single mom until 4 years ago, but now am enjoying married life so much that I think I just want the “whole meal deal” and add a few more kids. My husband adores my son but does not want more kids (he has 2 older children not living with us). I’m 37 and he’s 44. Is that right for me to ask that of him?
Hi Renee.
I enjoyed your devotion today. It reminded me of something I read years ago while in college. (I was an interpersonal communication major and had to take a semester long class on listening.) Anyway, the Chinese ideograph for the word “to listen” is made up of the characters/symbols for eyes, ears, individual attention, and HEART. I wish I kne wwhat it actually looked like, but I thought that was cool.
And I liked your post today. My heart is often discontent. I am working on being content, but it isn’t easy. I am in such a season of waiting and I am so easily impatient . . . . Anyway, I enjoyed your thoughts.
The art of being content where we are placed is indeed a wonderful way to live. I am right now where I thought I would never be and that is retired and staying home with my husband. It was a struggle to decide to take this step but I found that for my health and for time with my husband, it was time to let go of the security found in a job. Now I have so much to do at home, I am amazed! God has given me contentment and peace. Thank you for this devotional. Love&prayers, Kathy
Thank you for your post today. It is so nice to hear that other women go through that same pull back and forth as I do. It was especially helpful to see how God answered your prayer so beautifully.He really does listen and answer.
What led me to your post,today, was your devotional on crosswalk about listening. I have been working on my blogs, wondersomestorytime.com and
the mostwondersomestorytim.blogspot.com
and I realized this morning that I have been only listening to my 16 year old with one ear (or no ears)when I am at work on the computer. Thank you so much for the reminder to listen! I will indeed turn away from my computer and give him my full attention.
Hello Renee
I was worked at a job I had grown to really disliked but no matter how hard I tried to find another one, the door just would not open. Than I heard God speak to my heart that until I was content with the job I had, another one would not come. I prayed to be content and God in His faithfulness allowed contentment to come, followed by a wonderful new job. Thank you Jesus. Pray for me now that I would be content in a new circumstance that has arisen in a personal relationship and that thru it He would make me more like Him. Thank you and God bless. 🙂 Elizabeth
I am a grammy to a beautiful 4 year old whose parents aren’t christians. Lots of addictions and financial problems kept them living with us till Princess (not her real name) was 6 months. I babysat all the time and we tried to be a support. They moved out but allowed us to take her to church and church stuff. She was here as much as she was with them.My dau-in-law and Princess moved in with us two other times while our son ran a muck. Our son entered rehab (not the first time for him)and my dau-in-law has decided she doesn’t want us to have an influence in our Princesses’ life. I used to mourn all the time I didn’t have when She was here so much,I loved her and wanted to take care of her but I missed my friends,and church activities and my sleep. I work fulltime as a nurse nights. After working all night I would take care of her 4 days a week. Anyway our heart breaks thinking we see her so seldom and have only tried to love them both. She has filed for divorce and I think there is someone else. Please pray we will trust her to Jesus and have peace in the midst of the storm. I am new to computers and new to this website but have heard you on the radio and even grandmas love your kind of encouragement for living and loving our families.
thanks Princesses Grandma