Fearful. Betrayed. Abandoned. Unloved. Unworthy. Unwanted.
These are a few words that defined Donna and cast shadows over her. Here’s Donna’s story…
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Fearful. Betrayed. Abandoned. Unloved. Unworthy. Unwanted.
These were shadows from a past that would haunt me for years. A past that would hold me hostage and keep me from fully living in the light of God’s love.
Fearful as I watched a hot plate of spaghetti thrown across the kitchen. Fearful as I watched furniture crash against walls. Fearful as my dad fell to the ground a few feet from my mom after he’d swung at her and lost his balance.
Betrayed after my intoxicated father sat me on the back of a horse without a saddle or reins to hold, and then swiped the horse’s rear end. Betrayed as he laughed with his friends while I went sailing through the air and landed on a barb wired fence.
Abandoned and unwanted when my dad filed divorce papers and when I discovered he failed to even get my name and birthday correct on them. Abandoned each time my dad refused to pay child support. Unwanted as years went by without visits, phone calls, hugs, birthday gifts.
Unloved and unworthy when my dad broke promise after promise… to visit, to call, to show up for my high school graduation, to pay for college.
Fearful, betrayed, abandoned, unloved, unworthy, and unwanted. Words and emotions that I let define me and cast shadows over me … until July 2011.
Through several of my Pastor’s sermons and through a friend’s father passing away, I sensed God asking: “How would you feel and what would you do if your Dad were to die this very day?”
I had no answer. I didn’t even know or really even think I liked my dad, much less loved him. Fifteen years had gone by since I’d seen him.
Around that same time, God challenged me with two words: ACCEPT and CHOICE
I had a choice and I made it. Following God’s nudging, on July 1, 2011 I went to see my father and accepted him for who he is.
In doing so, for the first time ever, I was able to ACCEPT my past. God made it perfectly clear to me that I could not change my dad nor my past. My only job was to pray for my Dad. I cannot tell you the burden that lifted from my entire being on July 1st.
God took my acceptance one step further. He told me I had a CHOICE!
A choice to believe that He is who He says He is. A choice to believe His promises; a choice to believe I was worth dying for; a choice to be filled with His joy; a choice to let Him be my Father, my Abba Daddy; a choice to live with a confident heart.
And it’s up to me to make those choices 24/7. Not just on Sunday. Not just at 9am when my day starts – but constantly make those choices. So I get up every morning and choose to believe that God is a Promise Keeper. I make the choice – to believe He loves me like no other can nor will, to pray for my Dad, to let go of the anger. I choose to live in the Light of Jesus so I can have a the freedom and security of a confident heart.
There are days, even minutes, that I don’t make the right choices. But the good thing is as I get better and better at making those choices my rebound time gets shorter and shorter. I get quicker at turning back to the Light.
I’m praying for you today – that together we can turn towards and live in the Light of God’s love. That He’ll give us courage to make the choices He’s asking us to make and accept what He’s calling us to accept so that we can keep turning and growing.
Lord, thank You for Your promises. I thank You that You have called me out of the darkness and into Your light. Thank You for transforming my heart into a heart like Yours. In Jesus’ name. Amen.
Donna, sweet friend, thank you for boldly believing Jesus and walking in obedient trust of His calling on your life. Your story and your faith challenge and encourage me to listen for His voice and do the hard thing of believing Him when my feelings are demanding their way. I”m so grateful for the Light and the way you walk in Him!
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Connecting in Community & A Giveaway: What is God speaking to your heart as you read Donna’s story o? Or is there something in chapter 5 that resonated with a change, a choice or a place of acceptance God’s inviting you to? Let’s share here and/or some of the answers to our end of chapter questions this week. Whatever is on your heart.
Donna has generously donated 4 copies of my book {for you or a friend?} Winners will be prayerfully and randomly drawn on Monday from comments left below today’s post. Just click “share your thoughts” and do just that. {If you’re reading this via email click here to share, enter and connect.}
PS. Here’s a music video that Donna shared with me – it reminds us of Chapter 5. After you leave a comment, be sure to watch/listen and let it speak to your heart today or when you have a chance later to come back and stay a little longer.
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God bless you Donna for sharing your story. God is so faithful…to each one of us if we will let Him be. We must remember every day, ” we are a chosen woman, a royal priest, a holy daughter, a woman belonging to God”, as Renee writes. Turning to His light every day, and not looking at our weaknesses are key to believing these truths about ourselves. His Promises are true, His Word is life.
May you all be blessed today!
Thank you Donna for your story! I have no memory of my Dad when he was sober. He drank all the time and was abusive emotionaly. He threw things etc etc etc! I did keep in touch with him through phone calls for about a year before he died. Maybe I didn’t honor him the way God wanted me to. I don’t know. I know God will forgive me that has to be enough. Please pray for me. It was hard to get over that part of my childhood. I have a wonderful family of my own now! So very thankful for them! Love to you all!
Donna’s story, Pat’s, Becky’s etc. We all have a story, satan is behind our past stories…We have a hope for the future! LADIES, none of us are not here by happenstance, this is a devine appointment….GOD WANTS TO PUT ALL THIS BEHIND US SO WE CAN LIVE A VICTORIOUS LIFE FOR HIM…We do have to believe His promises and it is a battle EVERY DAY to work at overcoming our Fearful. Betrayed. Abandoned. Unloved. Unworthy. Unwanted feelings. I am 51 and am still working on overcoming all of these lables, but these are NOT God’s lables for us, these are LIES of satan to keep us from living a victorious life in Christ. Donna’s story, Renee’s book & God’s Holy Word is all steps to healing what satan has come to rob, steal and destroy. Thank you ladies for being vessels for God to heal us and help us be HIS MASTERPIECES that He created us to be.
Love and Prayers to you all…
I love love love this story. i believe we should all think about and live out the two words the Lord gave Donna, CHOICE AND ACCEPT. Those two words pretty much sums up that we all need to CHOOSE GOD. He is the only one who will be able to make your strong and be with you at all times. God will never disappoint you as long as you are fully committed to Him and do His will. He will never let you down. Thanks fo rthis message. it has really lifted me today.
WOW! I am without words. Thank you, Donna!
Oh my gosh, you just told my story. I did get the chance to speak to my Dad. We never had a relationship, though. His choice. He had a massive stroke and lost his memory of us except for when we were little. So he never knew who we were when we went to visit. I never got the freedom you received. I still am feeling,fearful, abandoned, unworthy, unlovable to this day. Trying to learn to get my worth from God. Hoping this study will help put that in me. Thanks for posting.
Donna – thank you, for sharing your story. As I was reading your story, it brought back so many feelings that I had as growing up and as an adult. I was also in a place where it was very hard to forgive my father – you cannot ever forget – because that is some of the history that molded you.
There came a visit with a pastor that helped me several years back, andhe told me one day that I needed to ask the Lord to forgive my father and forgive him myself – but, that didn’t mean that I had to have a relationship with him. I will never forget that when I came to a place to do this, I felt like I had lost a ton that was being carried around with me. As I stated, you cannot forget and even today, there are times that I question why things had to be the way they were – and when I look around at my family today and all the blessing the Lord, has given me – I can see that it is because of that past that I rely on Him for the strength that is needed.
Again, thank you for sharing your story and trust me you will be blessed. As well as Renee Swope.
Love in Christ!!!
Thank you for sharing your story, Donna. I identified with some pieces of your story. I too had a time where I had to make a choice to forgive my father….little did I know he would end his life just a year after I made that decision. It is SO important to heed the direction God is giving to us in our life….even in what seems so unimportant at the moment. I thought I had years and the last thing I wanted was to deal with my past just 2 weeks before my 2nd daughter was born. God knew best and thankfully, amidst so many emotions and heartbreak, I was not dealing with guilt.
Accept is such an awesome realization; I accept that God breathed life into me, He knew me before he placed me into my mother’s womb, He knows exactly what I am doing and what I will do and no matter what He will never leave me nor foresake me. He LOVES me unconditionally. Now, I MUST accept this FACT and choose to LOVE myself, LOVE the LORD and move forward to become the WOMEN of FAITH He made me to be. Thank you for reminding me with your words.
The last two chapters have been very difficult for me. My past has held me for many years. I have lived with shame and bitterness and unforgiveness for a very long time. In Chapter 5 I highlighted the following: “When we focus the attention on ourselves, we turn our attention away from God.” It has been very recently that I have become aware of just how much my past influences my present…how much I hate myself because of what was done to me and how much I hate certain others simply because they are men (even if they did nothing wrong). Knowing this displeased God just made me hate myself even more. It has become a vicious circle in my life and not one I’m sure I know how to break out of. Sunday after hearing our pastor’s sermon, I came home and cried. I know that this is not where God wants me–stuck in hatred, bitterness and unforgiveness. But the thought of praying for those who hurt me is still so foreign. After reading today’s story, I am thinking that is exactly what I need to do though. This is where it is tempting to quit. To put the book on the shelf and say “I’m done with this.” Not this time though, if at all possible. I want/need to finish this. Maybe God can use what I went through. I don’t see how at this point but maybe.
Donna story hit close home and made me cry. I can relate. It is so hard to acknowledge that I have those feelings and also refreshing because now I can turn the pain to gain. Its always nice to know that I am not alone too.
Thank you for sharing that. I just finished Suzie Eller’s “Unburdened Heart” study and doing your study now is really helping me to continue on with what I’ve learned about forgiveness and accepting myself by who I am NOW; not what my past was. I wonder why so many of us blame ourselves for things we have had no control over. I’m glad to hear I’m not the only one and I pray that myself and all others who do will find the strength to give that burden to the Lord so we can start living our lives with the clean slate we deserve.
Thank you for this insightful article. I shared a childhood much like yours but my mother was the angry and abusive one. I sense that you have done a lot of work on healing your past as I have myself. I would love to read your book.
I don’t know if anyone’s heard of this, but there is a book called, “My One Word,” and the idea is that you pray for God to give you one word that sort of sums up what He would like for you to focus on for the year. My word is, “acceptance.” Everything that you said in your testimony spoke loud and clear to me, Donna. I also have a father who is an addict. When I was a kid, he made me so many promises and although he probably wanted to, he just wasn’t able to keep any of them. I have asthma, and when I was little, it was so bad that I was usually home from school so that I could have round the clock breathing treatments. I remember one time when I was like 6 years old, sick, and home from school; my mom trusted my dad to take care of me while she ran some errands. As soon as she left, my dad asked me if I was hungry. He told me that he was going to get me something to eat and that he would be right back. He left me there for hours by myself and without a treatment. I can remember watching show after show and making up reasons in my head for why it was taking him so long to get back. Other times, he would use me as a ploy to leave the house without my mom thinking that he was going to go hook up with drugs, so he would tell me that we were going somewhere and then we would end up in front of apartments and he would tell me that he would be right back…and leave me in the car for hours because he forgot about me. He also would do things when he was high that he thought were fun, but were fun only for him…like trying to see if he could climb trees with the 4 wheeler…even as I begged and screamed for him to please not try because it looked scary..and then he would say he wouldn’t and then last minute try….and then, of course, we would not make it and crash….okay, so that only happened the one time, lol….ahhh….I had no intention on writing all of that out, but once I got going I needed to continue. The worst part about all of it though, was that he was a really good dad when he could be…and so I was always so confused as a child…and still am as an adult. He is in prison now and I am so bent on not holding ill feelings towards him at all, that I try to not think about any of those things. I know that they have impacted me in soooo many negative ways, but I try to focus on the positive things that his mistakes taught me and the positive things that he added to my life; like praying before bed every night. My dad taught me “the Lord’s prayer” when I was itty bitty and would pray it with me every night (when he was there.) I cannot remember a single night of my life where I didn’t fall asleep praying because of his teaching me the importance of bedtime prayer. Even when I did my prodigal daughter thing and turned away; drunk as a skunk or high as a kite, I would pray and cry to God before I went to sleep each night. Anyway, accepting things and choosing to believe that my heavenly Father DOES love me and is who He says He is…and will come back and not just leave me here….and can be trusted….these are the things that make the difference between bitterness and peace, hatred and love, despair and hope!
What really struck me from the book so far is that it’s time for me to let go of the fantasy of the way I want my life to be and enjoy the reality. It’s time to stop expecting people, places, and things to make me happy and it’s time to rely on the Lord for joy. It’s time to let go of what I will never have and accept what I do have!
Well said, Nicole. I’m with you on that.
Donna you have an amazing testimony and I can relate very well to the father you described. I have many of those memories myself, but have chosen to see my past differently since coming to know Christ. Being filled with so many uplifting stories like yours has helped me so much to see that I am not alone. I praise God for giving me eyes to see now, what I couldn’t see before. Thank you for sharing this with us today.
I also have a father that has abandoned me but I think that it has always brought me closer to my father God as I have felt his presence in my life and his constant companionship. He never leaves me and always listens to me. I have the best Father!!!
I have always been one to do things myself. My dad got sick of changing my oil in my car so he taught me how to change my own. He took us shooting , I went hunting with him. We weren’t allowed to cry. My grandma was a single mom and was strong and did things on her own. She took care of and maintained her own home until age and Alzheimer’s took that independence away. My mom also divorced had to work support me and my siblings. So my role models in life were all teaching me to rely on myself and be tough. For many months before I began this study I have had tears welling up behind my eyes but I don’t cry. My heart has been broken for a long time and I have felt weak. Like I can’t handle the hurt and heartbreaks and the never feeling like I am enough. Constantly worrying about what others think of me. But what a weight lifted that it is not up to my strength. It is in His strength that I am made strong. I don’t have to do it alone. He doesn’t want me to nor did he ever mean for me to. But also what a hard thing to let go. I am trying to give him control. It is a process, right? A journey. Everyday giving my life over to him. My frustrations, my doubts, my control, my weaknesses, my self worth. All to Him.
I pray He help me with this. I want to be free. I want to be a light for Him. I want to live for an audience of One.
Thank you so much for this study. Thank you for Donna’s story.
I pray that every woman participating in this study. That we all may find our confidence in Him.
God Bless each one of you!
Wow! Just, wow! You have such an amazing testimony. And I am going to repeat Melissa and tell you that you need to be speaking. Woman need to hear your story and know there is hope and freedom.
Speak it, girl!!!
All I can really say is thank you for sharing your testimony. I myself am currently deep into much the same issue and seeking Jesus to guide me out of it. I grew up in a family much the same with an alcoholic father who abused my mother my whole life. October 17, 2011 she lost her life at his hands. Dealing with alot of pain, worry, self worth issues over it all. But I do know and trust that my TRUE FATHER God himself will lead me out.
God,
Open the eyes of my heart and give me your understanding as I come to you and pray for Carolyn and the hurt that she is going through. Guide my words to your heart as I pray for Carolyn. Fill me with your words.
Fill Carolyn with your peace, your love, your forgiveness, your mercy, your compasssion, your grace, your promises, your confidence, your understanding, your spirit. Walk alongside of Carolyn as she processes her pain. Show Carolyn how to process that pain and leave it at the foot of the cross. Go before her, seal her heart with your love. Take her hand. Keep her in step with your steps. Guide her out of her pain. Help her process her pain. Replace that pain with your promises. Cause Carolyn to lean into you and into your love. Flood her with your spirit. Lift her eyes to you and cause her to seek you with all that she is. Strengthen her. Encourage her. Surround her. Fill her with your presence. Fill Carolyn to overflowing.
In the name of Jesus, I pray. Amen.