Fearful. Betrayed. Abandoned. Unloved. Unworthy. Unwanted.
These are a few words that defined Donna and cast shadows over her. Here’s Donna’s story…
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Fearful. Betrayed. Abandoned. Unloved. Unworthy. Unwanted.
These were shadows from a past that would haunt me for years. A past that would hold me hostage and keep me from fully living in the light of God’s love.
Fearful as I watched a hot plate of spaghetti thrown across the kitchen. Fearful as I watched furniture crash against walls. Fearful as my dad fell to the ground a few feet from my mom after he’d swung at her and lost his balance.
Betrayed after my intoxicated father sat me on the back of a horse without a saddle or reins to hold, and then swiped the horse’s rear end. Betrayed as he laughed with his friends while I went sailing through the air and landed on a barb wired fence.
Abandoned and unwanted when my dad filed divorce papers and when I discovered he failed to even get my name and birthday correct on them. Abandoned each time my dad refused to pay child support. Unwanted as years went by without visits, phone calls, hugs, birthday gifts.
Unloved and unworthy when my dad broke promise after promise… to visit, to call, to show up for my high school graduation, to pay for college.
Fearful, betrayed, abandoned, unloved, unworthy, and unwanted. Words and emotions that I let define me and cast shadows over me … until July 2011.
Through several of my Pastor’s sermons and through a friend’s father passing away, I sensed God asking: “How would you feel and what would you do if your Dad were to die this very day?”
I had no answer. I didn’t even know or really even think I liked my dad, much less loved him. Fifteen years had gone by since I’d seen him.
Around that same time, God challenged me with two words: ACCEPT and CHOICE
I had a choice and I made it. Following God’s nudging, on July 1, 2011 I went to see my father and accepted him for who he is.
In doing so, for the first time ever, I was able to ACCEPT my past. God made it perfectly clear to me that I could not change my dad nor my past. My only job was to pray for my Dad. I cannot tell you the burden that lifted from my entire being on July 1st.
God took my acceptance one step further. He told me I had a CHOICE!
A choice to believe that He is who He says He is. A choice to believe His promises; a choice to believe I was worth dying for; a choice to be filled with His joy; a choice to let Him be my Father, my Abba Daddy; a choice to live with a confident heart.
And it’s up to me to make those choices 24/7. Not just on Sunday. Not just at 9am when my day starts – but constantly make those choices. So I get up every morning and choose to believe that God is a Promise Keeper. I make the choice – to believe He loves me like no other can nor will, to pray for my Dad, to let go of the anger. I choose to live in the Light of Jesus so I can have a the freedom and security of a confident heart.
There are days, even minutes, that I don’t make the right choices. But the good thing is as I get better and better at making those choices my rebound time gets shorter and shorter. I get quicker at turning back to the Light.
I’m praying for you today – that together we can turn towards and live in the Light of God’s love. That He’ll give us courage to make the choices He’s asking us to make and accept what He’s calling us to accept so that we can keep turning and growing.
Lord, thank You for Your promises. I thank You that You have called me out of the darkness and into Your light. Thank You for transforming my heart into a heart like Yours. In Jesus’ name. Amen.
Donna, sweet friend, thank you for boldly believing Jesus and walking in obedient trust of His calling on your life. Your story and your faith challenge and encourage me to listen for His voice and do the hard thing of believing Him when my feelings are demanding their way. I”m so grateful for the Light and the way you walk in Him!
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Connecting in Community & A Giveaway: What is God speaking to your heart as you read Donna’s story o? Or is there something in chapter 5 that resonated with a change, a choice or a place of acceptance God’s inviting you to? Let’s share here and/or some of the answers to our end of chapter questions this week. Whatever is on your heart.
Donna has generously donated 4 copies of my book {for you or a friend?} Winners will be prayerfully and randomly drawn on Monday from comments left below today’s post. Just click “share your thoughts” and do just that. {If you’re reading this via email click here to share, enter and connect.}
PS. Here’s a music video that Donna shared with me – it reminds us of Chapter 5. After you leave a comment, be sure to watch/listen and let it speak to your heart today or when you have a chance later to come back and stay a little longer.
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I just read this and ot brought me to tears. I had an instance last July as well. It wasnt with my father figure but it with someone much more dear, my spouse. I can not even begin to explain the extent of all those mentioned emotions as they swirled in my head 24/7. God showed me that I had to forgive and let go. I had to let Him work on things. It was such a revealation and has been with me throughout it all. I still have attacks to this day on my mind and my heart as the devil continues to try and tear it all apart again. Each time, I fight him off and we win with God. Without Him and the hope that He brings I am not sure where we would be today. But I am more than thankful for where we are. We are growing and changing for the better through something the devil meant for harm. God works all for His glory….good and bad. And we are receptive and allowing it. He is leading us into testimony and bringing more to Him. We are looking into ministering to other couples and men and women individually. He has so much in store for us and there is so much glory to be seen through something that was meant only for harm. “All things work together for good: to them that love God.” Romans 8:28
Amanda,
Praising God for His healing in your relationship with your spouse YAY God for showing you that you had to forgive and let go. And praising Him for your obedience to his prompting! Love how He prompts us to do things that are in best interests when we don’t that they are!!
Thanks for sharing!
Donna B
Dealing with some of these same issues right now! Would love to have a copy of your book!
Tamera, praying for God to guide and direct your thoughts and heart as your process through your issues. Praying that your eyes and focus will be directed towards Him.
Donna B
This brought tears to my eyes…I have to admit I had a wonderful and loving, doting father..My children have not been so fortunate…I feel like a total failure at times because I did not intend to have these children then raise them in a broken home. I see my oldest struggling with pure hate..I see the youngest, who is disabled, oblivous to the changes and not being able to cope with what has been forced upon her..I feel powerless to help them as a mother should..I do not know what it is like to have a father who isn’t what he should be..but yet I see it happening to my own children! I want to help them heal..even though the mother bear in me wants to lash out on their behalf! I am, just this week!, struggling to hang on to my relationship with God, questions, hurt, anger…yet I hold on! this was powerful for me..and I just think it was God given..bless you
Lord, please fill Marsha with your strength to hang onto You. Fill her with your courage and your boldness to cope with things as they are and fill her with your love so that she might forgive those that have harmed her. Fill her with your promises in such a way that she can grasp and hold onto those when she begins doubting and questioning you. Protect her kids and their hearts from the hurts. Guide and direct Marsha as she ministers to her children. Give her your eyes to see others through. I pray for her oldest. I pray that you would allow Him to release the hate that is holding in and replace it with your love and your peace. Transform hearts from the inside out for your glory. Fill Marsha with your amazing love so that it overflows beyond measure. Direct Marsha’s eyes to the LIGHT. In Jesus’ name. Amen.
Appreciate your story of encouragement. I had to leave my SS class on Mother’s Day because they made everyone go around and say something extraordinary about their mother. After years of hurt and abandonment, what was I suppose to say–I had nothing to say. I left before my turn came and went to a park and cried for an hour. Then recently, I saw a post about this book online and actually purchased it just a few hours ago before reading this post. I am so excited to read it and hoping it will help me as well. I am tired of feeling the burden of rejection.
Traci,
I love God’s perfect timing!! So thankful that you found Renee’s book and purchased it and also found this amazing online study. Praying for God to fill you with His promises as you turn those pages. Also praying for you as you process your past and as you allow God to heal your hurting heart and works His gift of forgiveness in your heart.
So thankful that you joined us on this journey.
Donna B
what a beautiful music video. Donna, your story brought me to think about some of the things from my childhood i have tuskec aeaya nd bot dealt with. as i work through the book, Renee, i hope to be able to face them and forgive and cease the resentment and pain of being fearful and never good enough.
off to finish chapter 5. thank you both:)
Julie,
Praying for God to fill you with His courage and boldness as you face your past. Praying for His strength as you forgive others and praying that He will remove your doubts and replace them with His amazing promises.
Thanks for sharing and I too loved that video and love singing it on Sunday mornings at church.
Blessings,
Donna
This story touched me where I live. The story may be different but the choices are there for me to make too. Thank you for sharing.
Vicki,
So thankful God chose to use my story to touch your heart. Praying for you as you make those right choices one by one. Praying for God to glorify Himself through your choices and your life.
Donna B
So just how can I get past my hurt to make the choice? I have forgiven the person that sexually abused me as a child. I have moved on. I have forgiven My ex husband for betraying me and committing adultery not once not twice but three times last while I was suffering from preterm labor and having been hospitalized to carry my baby to term. But, how just how can I forgive myself. How could I have put myself in those situations? How did I make such bad choices? How did I marry that man and trust in him to be a father to my daughters? How could I have made such a bad choice? I married a man who would be an alcoholic and abusive. See all the things you were saying about your father are how my girls have had to live. He never pays his child support; he is not involved in their lives for the most part. He is drinking and dealing with his new family. He missed birthday after birthday. He would say he is coming to something and not show up. He did make it to my oldest daughter’s graduation 2 years ago only to bring his pregnant girlfriend 15 years younger than him and said surprise you going to be a sister again. My daughter was so upset. When she went away to college he was not there. He could have done something bought her a pack of sheets, but no nothing. And then last year this daughter found herself pregnant. Her father was furious how could she he was too young to be a grandfather. I thought oh why we expect him too he was never their father. Our grandson has since been born and is an amazing blessing from God. How could I have made this choice for them? I have put them both through so much pain. God has blessed me with an amazing husband a godly man. He has been a “daddy to my daughters for the past 15 years. We have parented our girls as well as the two children we have had together. So they know what love is and what a dad is suppose to be. Sometimes this only makes it harder for them. They see everything their real dad is not. Sometimes they even lash out at my husband for being the dad he is. It is not fair but, I understand. The last two chapters have been hard for me. Yes, I have beat myself up for years. I know God wants to heal me but, HOW????At times I felt like Ok I gave it all to god it is over. No, more guilt!! They slowly it creeps back into my life and I am left crying out LORD WHY? I have repented for my poor choices and for not always following his ways. I just need to be set free.
Pray… Pray …. Pray and pray some more! And forgive yourself and extend grace to yourself. Don’t want to be preachy here … but it’s all about the praying and forgiveness. And think on the blessings that God has given you through your choices. Your daughters, your grandson, your new current husband. And let the rest go. Jesus has already died for those choices …. don’t keep hammering in the nails. Lay it all at the foot of the cross …at the feet of Jesus. He loves you and wants to carry those burdens for you. Let Him.
Lord, fill Julie up with your gift of forgiveness for herself. And fill her up so much that the forgiveness flows outward to others. Fill her with your love, your grace, your compassion. Cause Julie to lay those struggles at your feet to not pick them up again. Cause her to focus on you and not on the things that she struggles with. And do the same for her kids. Be the centerpiece for that family. Focus their thoughts on you and your love for them. Allow them to find their worth in You and You alone. In Jesus’ name. Amen.
Will continue to pray for you and your family,
Donna B
Thank You Donna bless you. I am refocusing on Jesus and him alone. I am ppraying for him to hold me close and rebuking the lies I am believing. Thanks so much for your prayers.
In Christ,
Julie
Chapter 5 really hit a chord with me! I have always doubted my abilities because of things and situations that have happened in my past. Learning to TURN and believe what God says about me is the only way to break free of doubt and worry and I am going to do just that! And i will have “This little light of mine” playing in my head each time any doubt or fear starts creeping back. FAITH over FEAR! 🙂 Thanks so much for all you do Renee, you are truly a blessing to us all!
Alicia,
Love your FAITH over fear comment!!! Praying for you as break free of those doubts and worry! Thanks so much for sharing,
Donna B
I remember making that same choice with my dad and that seems to have been the easy choice. The harder choices are treating my husband as a man, not another child. They are choosing to go to God first with problems, not my friends. When doubt creeps in it is so hard to remember that I am God’s chosen child! I am not the circumstances I am in, I am a child chosen by the Almighty…thank you for this study!
Kristi,
Thanks for sharing. And yes you are a GOD’s child!! And He loves you like beyond measure!!
Donna B
Dear Donna
Thank you for so faithfully answering each post. You made me feel special with your reply. I did read Psalm 139. There are so many famaliar truths in it. I realized that it is a song the Sons Of Korah sings. I think you would enjoy listening to them. Their songs are all psalms. Psalm 139 is called Still with You. I like to have my bible open and follow along to the psalm they are singing. So glad you are part of our bible study.
Thanks Renee for being a vessel for God’s Word. I know God is making changes in me to become the Proverbs 31 woman He wants me to be! I would love to give this book to my bestie! I already have the e-book. I love it!
Love how you are willing to share Renee’s incredible story with your bestie!!! Love it!!!
Donna B
Wow, thank you Donna for your story, and thank you Renee for sharing it with us. Look at how many of us have such similar childhood nightmares! Mine as not much better and I think I have blocked all the bad out of my mind over the years so I don’t have to deal with it. I know this probably haunting me everyday and I don’t even realize it. My earthly father is no longer living and I regret I never had a relationship with him and to be truthful I have always been jealous of others that had a love for their father, but I have come to know my Heavenly Father and realize He will never let me down. I thank God that I grow closer to him everyday.
Kelly,
So sorry for your loss and your pain. I feel it alongside of you. Praying for God to guide you in letting go of that pain and being filled with His love, His care, His concern, His grace, His mercy and His compassion. Praying for Him to fill you with His boldness and courage to just let it all go, never to pick it up again. Laying it all at is feet…at the cross of Jesus. And I’m praising Him for the work that He has done and is doing in your heart! Praying too that you can let go of that regret as God does not want us to live in a cycle of defeat. Praying for God to finish the work in your heart that He has already started. And we have that promise in His Word to claim as our own.
Thank you so much for sharing your heart with us. Praying for God to do what He does best … heal our hearts and make Himself known to us in new ways.
Donna B
Herbrews 12:2 comes to my mind “Looking to Jesus the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.”
“Be ye holy as I am holy” – this comes with a price, laying down our lives and reputations, taking up our cross and following Him.
Thank you for sharing such a great testimony as it encourages us to push forward for the prize that awaits us when we leave these mortal bodies and join our Faithful High Priest who is making intercession for us daily.
Sharon,
Love those verses!! Thanks for sharing them with us. And yep, we must, we must , we must keep our eyes on the PRIZE – JESUS!!!
Thanks much,
Donna B
Donna,
Thank you for your transparency and honesty. What a blessing you have brought to so many by choosing to share a portion of your life with others as well as your love for Christ. I am thankful to God for the path that He has given us to walk, as it brought us into friendship and we are able to share our lives, our stories, and our love for God with one another and the world. He is so very proud of you, His chosen child, and He has made beauty from ashes in your life. Shine on sister! Shine on! Love ya!!
Deanna,
Love my friend and her encourging words!! Thank you so much for your amazing words and friendship. God blesses me so much in and through the words that He gives you to share others. Love ya back Sista! So thankful and so blessed that He brought us together last August through Renee’s book and Melissa’s online study!
Love ya bunches and bunches.
Donna
“We hesitate to ask others for forgiveness because they might think we’re the only one who did something wrong, and they won’t think they need to change…You can’t go back and change the circumstances or relationships that have wounded you, but you can go back and process the pain with Jesus…the pain from yesterday can keep you from having confident hope for tomorrow.” (CH. 4) “It’s just that when we focus our attention on ourselves, we turn our attention away from God. We leave no room in our thoughts to listen to what He is thinking about us, because we have given that place away to be occupied by other people’s opinions.” Doubt is a weakness, but only because we turn away from Him for a moment (Peter walking on water). Relying on others’ opinions of us will only keep us in the shadow of doubt, because none of us can see the whole picture of another’s life as God can. Process that pain, ask for forgiveness, and keep looking ahead to the confidence He has for us!
Kimberly M,
Thanks so much for sharing. Love how you have made the connections between Chapter 4 and 5 and us having a confident heart! And absolutely love your comment on how we are to keep lookiing ahead to the confidence He has for us!! He is our confidence!! Love that!
Thanks again for sharing,
Donna B
I forgot to add in my earlier comment that I know what it is like to have your parent not know your birthday. I got birthday presents from friends and my mother asked me what the gifts were for — when I told her she asked me when was my birthday. That was really painful when it happened. Maybe it was a blessing though because birthdays are a big deal to me and I make sure that I celebrate them for my children, grandchildren, friends, everyone.
Lora C,
Praying for you my friend! Praying that God would guard your heart, your mind, and your thoughts as you meet with your Mom. Praying that God will direct your steps and help you to choose the next right thing that He wants you to take in order to bring healing to your heart. Praying for God to fill you with His boldness and courage as you forgive your Mom and your kids’ Dad. And for your kids as they process all of this too.
God, go before Lora and make away for the forgiveness to happen. Give her boldness and your courage as she tackles this head-on. Take her hand and guide her steps along this part of her journey to healing. Heal her heart! And I pray the same for Lora’s kids. Move them to forgive and heal them too. In Jesus’ name. Amen.
LORA-
I’m praying for you sister- Your story touched my heart, My Mom passed away in 2005- I’m so glad I was able to love her despite the many hurts of our past we both forgave eachother- And Lora you will attend her funeral one day and you will cry… It’s just how God works in us and through us.
Father- please help heal Lora’s deepest hurts and give her courage to face her Mother- May they be able to press foward and draw close to you Lord, May they both have forgiving hearts. I pray all this in precious Son’s Name Jesus Christ. Amen
Good Luck Lora
Aloha from Hawaii xoxoxox
Thank you for sharing Donna’s story. I am going to print it out to share with my son and daughter. Their father broke so many promises to them and is still doing so. My son has decided not to have any contact with him and hasn’t allowed his father to meet our 2 month old granddaughter. He is supposed to be purchasing a car for our daughter, but I don’t believe it is going to happen since he is dragging his feet.
I also needed this since my mother was physically present as I grew up but she wasn’t there for me. She ridiculed me in front of my friends when I was a teen and abused and neglected me all of my life. I still struggle with self-esteem issues and wonder how she could treat me the way that she did when i love and adore my children so very much. She now wants “to be close”. This is scary for me since my mom can turn on you in an instant. Once I literally had to throw my children into my car and take off from her home because she got angry about something my son did when he was 4. I have struggled with the question of what will I do if she dies. I wasn’t sure if I could /would attend the funeral. I have wondered if I would even cry.
After reading this I know that I need to go and see her–as much as I don’t want to I have to go and deal with all of this once and for all. Thank you again for sharing this.
“I took my eyes off God’s strength and focused on my weaknesses.” I don’t know how many times I do this in a day. I’m not proud of it. But it’s a real struggle. I have a fair amount of head knowledge about Chrisianity. I was raised in a Christian home. Consistently attended church. But I’ve come to realize these past couple of years that I was living my parent’s faith and not my own.
It’s difficult because I used to be a joyful person. Always looking at the positive. Not worrying about things. And now I can’t seem to stop worrying. It’s a struggle because I want that ah-ha moment for things to click. Where my faith outshines any doubts but I’m not there yet. This is an uncomfortable place to be. I won’t give up pursuing the light
Lord,
I thank you and I praise you for Missi and her desire to pursue the LIGHT! Fill her up along the journey. Be her fuel, Flame her desire. Be her JOY. Cause her to focus on you and not herself or others. Lead her. Guide her. Move her head knowledge into your heart knowledge. I praise you and I thank you for the words that you gave Renee in Chapter 2, “The only way we’ll have a confident heart is if we move beyond knowing God and relying on Him – to depending on His Word with our whole heart, mind and soul.” I would make Renee’s plea that you would move the gospel of grace from Missi’s head to her heart. Cause Missi to rely on You and Your Word! Encourage Missi. Strengthen Missi. In your amazing name, I pray. Amen.
For the first time in years I have a joy about the Lord I have longed and prayed for!!! I don’t know why I have struggled so hard to TURN, without success, until now. As I read and reread Ch 5, I am reminded of a Beth Moore lesson one of my friends at work had copied off for me a year & a half ago. In it she illustrates how our thoughts hold us in a prison cell and how God’s truth opens the door of that prison and eventually we are on the outside of it. Anyway, I have known in my head for years that I needed to take my thoughts captive, to quit listening to the voice of lies and darkness in my head. I have known that I needed to get in the Word and find what God says about me, but I always had an excuse and/or an unwillingness to believe Him. Until now! In the Ch 5 section of my journal, I have started writing verses, inserting my name, or me, or mine, or writing His promises in first person (?) so that they are mine alone. I am so excited to get up….the other thing I have struggled with for years…….earlier, so I can seek Him and His promises, His love, His heart for me in the mornings. Honestly, I can’t say that any one particular “past incident” is standing out to me right now, He has taken me through so much already, even in my hard-heartedness, but just getting in the Word and seeking His truth for me……I can feel my perspective of Him changing. I can feel joy returning. I have rediscovered a quiet expectation in meeting with Him that I thought I had lost a long time ago. His Word says that when I seek Him with my whole heart, I WILL find Him!!
Jesus!! Come out , come out, wherever you are!! LOL! 🙂
LaDena,
You have just brought tears to my eyes!! And I am praising Him and singing in His court this morning as to how He has restored His joy to your heart through His words that He gave Renee.
Your post reminds me of His verses in Philippians 4:8 ” Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”.
I have learned to take my thoughts and use His filter in Philippians to process those thoughts. If my thoughts do not match up to His scripture, I throw them away. For example, if I have a thought of being unworthy, I take it and filter it. I ask myself is it noble, is ist pure, is admirable …. and if not, it’s thrown away because it is not of God!
Thanks for sharing your heart and praying for you as you seek Him with your whole heart! He is going to amaze and daze you for His glory!!!
Blessings,
Donna
Thank you Donna!! Now you’ve made me cry!! 🙂
Thanks for those powerful words. It is truly a reminder to me that I have a choice in how I am going to conduct myself irregardless of how anyone else is acting. God calls me to walk in the Light of His Word. Thank you so much for that reminder. God Bless.
Kim Fair
Kim,
So blessed and thankful that God is showing up for you in BIG ways. Keep on walking in the LIGHT!! And keep making those right choices, one by one! And as you do, He is drawing you closer and closer to His Heart!!
Blessings,
Donna B