The word “listen” is mentioned in the Bible over 400 times! I guess that means it’s important to God. Listening is not one of my natural strengths but it’s something I’ve really worked on because it’s important to me, too.
Listening is about more than hearing someone’s words. Listening is about hearing someone’s heart by listening with mine.
I think I’m a little A.D.D.. My thoughts go a million miles an hour in a thousand directions, and I can get easily distracted. It’s not so much that I can’t focus, but that my brain tends to focus on more than one thing at a time. My husband can’t understand how I can be on the phone talking to a friend and also hear every word he just said to one of our kids, and repeat both conversations.
When I am listening with my heart, it’s different. I am fully engaged. I am leaning in, and I am giving someone my full attention. Here are a few things I have learned about listening that have helped me become a better listener.
Minimize distractions: Turning off cell phones, computers and televisions helps us give our full attention, or talking in a place where distractions are less likely is even better.
Use encouraging body language: Nodding your head tells someone you hear what they are saying and encourages them to continue. Using postures, positions and movements similar to the person talking helps them relax and open up.
Put yourself in their shoes: Active listening is not about inward thinking. We can avoid thinking about how what they are saying impacts us personally by looking at problems from the other person’s perspective, actively trying to see his or her point of view.
Avoid Interrupting: One of the biggest challenges to listening is impulse thoughts that become impulse interruptions. Write down thoughts and wait for the other person to talk at their own pace. Although sharing a common experience can be helpful, it also takes the focus off of them. Only share personal experiences briefly to empathize but then turn the focus back to them.
Repeat and encourage: Repeat some things they say and encourage them with positive feedback. For example, you might say: “You didn’t feel like that was fair, and I can see why.” Make eye contact from time to time. It’s not good to stare, but it is good to show warmth and interest in what they are saying.
Summarize: During an in-depth conversation, it’s good to summarize what someone is saying and say it back in your own words. This assures them you have truly been listening. It also gives them a chance to correct miscommunications or wrong assumptions.
Ask Questions: Meaningful questions help a person reach their own conclusions. Towards the end of the conversation it’s good to transition to guiding questions. For example: “I understand why you didn’t feel like it was fair, but help me understand why you felt like you couldn’t say anything about it to me/them sooner.” Wording questions this way also helps someone move from an emotional response to a more constructive response.
One of the most important aspects of any relationship is communication, and listening is key. By listening with your heart, you will strengthen and build your most important relationships.
In my devotion “The Gift of Listening” featured on the P31 website and Crosswalk today, I encouraged readers to make a list of people they want to really listen to today. Who would be on your list? Here are some very practical things I do to give the gift of listening to my family each day:
- Turn off my cell phone in the evenings
- Limit email checking when they are home
- Delay answering the phone during dinner and family time
- Turn away from my desk at work when someone comes to talk with me
How does it make you feel when someone really listens to you? Did you know that when you listen to someone, you are telling them how important they are to you? Just ask them and you’ll see. That is what helped me make this a high priority in my life.
How does it make you feel to know that God is always listening and giving you His full attention because you are important to Him and the words you speak go straight to His heart?
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this topic. Just click on the word “comments” below and let’s talk. I’ll be giving away a copy of my 2-part DVD teaching entitled Living and Leaving a Legacy from a drawing of those who participate in today’s blog conversation, so be sure to leave your email or check back on Thursday.
PS. If you are on Facebook, I’d love to be friends! I blog a couple of times each week, but I share daily encouragement through scriptures and everyday life lessons on FB. Simply click here or on my Facebook profile in my sidebar.
And the winner is… “Anonymous” who posted at 8:50am sharing how she could relate, stating “my 6 year old, is often saying ‘Mom – you are always on the computer'”. Random Integer.com, with the help of the Holy Spirit, decided you would win my 2-part DVD teaching entitled Living and Leaving a Legacy. If that’s you, please email your name and mailing address to [email protected] by Monday. ~Thanks and congrats!
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Oh, how I needed this today! My 12 year old…she will be in 2 days…just told me I never let her finish what she is saying. I don't think the "never" part is true, but I know that I am guilty of sometimes interrupting. Thank you so much for this post. I need to really work on my listening skills with her…and her soon-to-be 15 sister.
God spoke to my heart today through you. Thanks for the practical advice about listening, as this is not something that comes naturally to me.
Joy
I have always struggled with listening,and so God has decided to work this out in me! Most recently, my ministry has taken on more consultation and counseling with people and therefore, I have had to learn to listen. It is challenging, but I am enjoying it. I am learning the importance of fully engaging. Now…if I can just put it into practice at home! Thanks for allowing the Spirit to nudge conviction and encouragement as well!
I realized when reading your devotional on Proverbs 31 that I am not a good listener. I tend to be more reactive to any feedback I receive and thus communication is not productive or encouraging to either of us. Thank you for the tips you gave on your blog. Your 2part DVD would be a good learning tool for me.
Ouch! Were you a fly on my wall this afternoon? I love when God speaks directly to my heart through your messages. Thank you for being His vessel. Listening is something I tend to take for granted but on days like this one I'm reminded often to purposely listen and fill my daughter's love tank. Thank you for such a timely message.
Karla
Renee thanks so much for your devotion today. It made me stop and think about how I listen and I realize that I'm not very good at it! My young adult children often say "but I told you ….." and I have no recollection of this! I realize now that I need to STOP and LISTEN to them. I need to SHOW them that I value them and what they have to say and I need to encourage my daughter to learn to LISTEN with me as I can see she is repeating this bad habit with my granddaughter. I guess you never stop learning something new! thanks again. x
What a good devotional. I so need to work on this not only with my four children and my husband, but also in my quiet time where I just sit and really listen for God rather than tell him all my requests. I know how comforted I am by the fact that He listens to me no matter what. Now for me to give my full attention to those around me, rather than taking them for granted and multi-tasking. Thanks for this reminder. Please enter me in your drawing
After reading the devotion this morning, I headed to work, not sure of who might need for me to listen. I work in a nursing home as a music therapist, and after my Alzheimer's group I had a resident start visiting with me, in spanish no less (not my first language). I sat there and gave her a listening ear, and she even teared up at one point. I think she just needed someone to be there, and I was able to do that for her! 🙂 What a gift!
i understand feeling of not being heard. when i had my own children i didn't listen too well either. i have my two grandchildren now and make it a priority to listen to them and what a difference it makes with attitudes and behaviors. i really enjoyed reading this. i wish i could have read something like this when my children were small though.
I think I'm a lot ADD. I actually have to study those steps and diligently apply them, that's how distracted I get when listening. It's not my strong suit!
Renee,
My first visit to your blog, loved your pointers on listening! Thanks for sharing as listening is a real problem area for me (both attention & physically).
Look forward to hearing more from you! God Bless.
This devotion hit me right between the eyes. Thank you for challenging me to focus on others (primarily my children) when they are trying to get my attention. I loved when you spoke at our Women's Retreat a few years ago in Virginia. May you be continually blessed for your faithfulness in ministry, Renee!
I visited your blog in response to the Proverbs 31 devo, about listening. And, of course, God wanted to remind me about what He was teaching me. I had to smile when I read your very first blog was titled, "Hearing with My Heart." God is so amazing! LOL! Thanks for sharing, sister! I owe my 14 year old son an apology for not hearing him. He made a simular comment, about when I'm writing. But, I failed to "hear" what he was really saying. I praise the Lord for using others, through moments of weakness, to "clean out our ears and open our eyes" to what He wants to teach us. Thanks for being a light. My son is going to appreciate your faithfulness and would probably thank you, too. However, that is so not likely since he's a teenager. He'll probably just roll his eyes and grunt after I apologize. LOL! But, God sees your faithfulness, sister. And I appreciate you. : )May the Lord bless the ministry He has placed on your heart. http://www.xedixon.com
Thanks for the encouragement. I'm trying to get things done before the kids get home from school so I can really listen to them and give them my undivided attention.
Thank you for your devotion on Proverbs 31 Ministry. I am a mom of three and I homeschool. I have a husband that requires attention, a house to take care of, friendshipos to maintain, my own spiritual growth, exercise, etc, etc. I am often distracted with a phone conversation or the computer and before I know it my kids feel unimportant because I haven't been listening to what they are saying. The kids grow up so fast and before we know it, they will be out of the house. I want to be a good listener now so that when they are older they will still come to me. I also want God to listen to me….so I need to be a better listener to HIM as well. Thank you for the reminder. I would love a chance to win your DVD video. It would be a great lesson for the Ladies Bible Study I attend.
Thanks Renee for sharing so practically on the P31 devotion today. Such a good and gentle reminder to all of us. Bless you, Hester Christensen,
Thanks Renee, Your insight is very practical and good. I appreciate you sharing with us today on the p31 devotion. What a gentle reminder to all of us. Bless you, Hester Christensen,
I am really bad about being on my computer when my little girl is trying to talk to me and am working hard to break that habit. It always amazes me that God wants to listen to us and cares about the little things as well as the big things. Such a marvelous blessing that He gives us His time and His ear.
I only have a 16 yr old son at home now. My husband died about 4 yrs ago, and I've had the other kids come and go, but now I'm down to the youngest. It seems that I'd only have one to listen to. I have a son in the Army, he likes me to listen when he calls because he is lonely. I have a daughter that returned to college after 3 yrs, she likes to have me listen when she calls because she is kind of homesick. My mom lives by herself, 3 miles from me, and I try to call her every day. I have to listen to make sure she is feeling ok, and not in need of anything. She won't always tell me. I love Ps 46:10 "Be still, and know that I am God" We also need to LISTEN to God. He speaks to us through His word, but sometimes we don't listen. We need to listen for the still, sometimes small, voice.
Sharon
Thank you for the devotion and thoughts on listening today.