How hard is it for you to let people know how you’re doing? I mean how you’re really doing.
From reading your thoughts in the comments on Monday’s post, I think we can all realize it’s hard for most of us to keep our guard up and shy away from lettings others in – especially when we need their help, prayers or encouragement.
As I shared in Chapter 2, “Sometimes I think we tell people we’re fine even when we’re not, because we want to be. Or we hope that by saying we are fine, eventually we will be. Other times we act like we’re fine because others expect us to be. And I love how so many of you admitted you also have days when hormones or grumpy-ness trump all good manners and anyone within ten feet knows you are not fine. In fact, what you really meant in code is that you are Frazzled, Irritated, Neurotic, and Exhausted!”
Today, I want you to meet and hear from my friend, Melanie from Only a Breath. She’s the one who created our really cute Online Study blog button (see my sidebar if you want one)! In it she challenges us to take off the “I’m Fine” mask and be real with God, each other and especially ourselves about how we’re really doing.
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… She walks the hallway, fighting back tears that threaten to well up again. It’s been a long night, filled with betrayal and disappointment. Her future is uncertain. Back at the office, she tries to maintain normalcy. When eyes met, she is faced with another routine, “How are you?”
“I’m fine”, she answers, with a plastic smile that hides her pain.
… Across town, a young father shakes hands with the fourth interviewer that month. “Thank you for your time.”he says. On the way home, his wife calls to see if there’ s any hope for the job they’ve been praying for…for so long. They have mouths to feed, children to raise, a car on its last miles… “It will be fine”, he assures her. As he hangs up, he hangs his head in despair.
… A young, single mom cuddles her baby on the park bench. She holds her boy close, surrounded by happy couples with smiling children. She never expected to raise her child alone. The pain is sometimes too much to bear. Will she ever feel that she belongs? That she is wanted? Loved? Beautiful?
“We will be fine she whispers into his soft ear, surrounded by whisps of fine, brown hair.
“I’m fine…”
“We’re fine…”
“Doing great…”
In Chapter 2, Renee invites us to take off the “I’m fine” mask. But she also acknowledges just how scary it is to expose the pain that keeps us up, haunts us like nightmares, and threatens each breath of hope.
… but we’re fine.
Or are we?
Could we take off the mask that we, especially as Christians, live the “fairy tale”? We are certainly blessed, in every circumstance guarded by the Father, but honestly, in the deepest parts, we aren’t fine.
I’m not fine.
If I took off the “I’m fine” mask, would you think less of me, or would you think I’m … human?
We don’t have it all under control, and I can’t help but think that when we act like we do, we basically tell God that we don’t need him.
We’ve got this.
By pretending we’re “fine” we tell others something must be wrong with them if they are hurting… because we certainly are not hurting.
We’re fine.
What if we let someone else in? What if we said, “I’m hurting, and the details aren’t important, but would you please pray for me? I would really appreciate that.” Could that help them, in return, reach out to someone else when they are hurting?
Do we need to grant one another permission to not be fine?
Could we come broken before the Father, and cry out for His mercy and strength? He did promise to never leave us or forsake us. Even when we don’t feel it, could we still cling to His promise and claim it?
He knows we’re not fine.
Could the trials be the very thing that break the strings holding on our mask, allowing it to fall to the ground so we cling to Him a little tighter?
The truth is…
We aren’t fine… We are forgiven.
We aren’t in control… We are held by the hands that control our very heartbeat.
We aren’t invincible… We are made to look to the only One who can heal the broken.
As a sisterhood of hearts seeking our confidence in HIM, let’s take off our masks today. At least here with each other. And maybe with just one other person we meet this week. I have a feeling someone needs to see the battle wounds and scars we carry in order for them to stop pretending and seek His help too.
And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9
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Thank you so much Melanie, for reminding me and all of us again today that God’s grace is sufficient. God’s grace can be my sufficient… if I let it be.
Today’s Assignment:
- Continue or finish reading chapter 2 and answer end of chapter questions. Then come back and share with us what God is showing you about how His perfect love changes everything – especially the pressure to be it all, do it all and know it all – all at the same time.
Connect in Community:
- Please “Share Your Thoughts” below this post. Just click those words and do just that. (Remember if you are reading this in an email, click on the title “I’m Fine…really” at the top of the post to visit my website and connect with our ACH community! (This is such a valuable part of this study. My favorite part!!)
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I love chapter 3. Thank You Father. I will memorize the verse of the week. I will text it to my boys everyday.
I’m not fine but I quit telling people the truth because no one wants to know. They drop you as a friend like a hot potato. I am shedding so many tears lately, stressed and to point of breaking. I have served God since I was 8 and I’m 62. But when I almost lost my husband two weeks ago my life turned upside down. When I tell people I am stressed, I am accused of fear. Well it is fearful when your husband goes to hospital because his heart rate is 179. They give him meds to bring it down and drop his blood pressure to 40. You spend two days wondering if you will ever walk out of the hospital with your husband again. Then day before yesterday I should have taken him to hospital again by ambulance but I’m afraid they’ll kill him. His heart rate was soaring again. He knows it needs checked immediately or he could die. He works nights until the end of the month then he retires. I just wonder why God could not have held all this off until then when we could have taken him to a different hospital. Also so his pay and being able to pay our bills would not be threatened. I have yelled at God = why? why? why?
This morning I did not hear him come in from work. I looked outside and could not see him feeding cats and dogs. I went running to van but he wasn’t in it. Then I turned and saw him watering our garden. I am beside myself. I do not want him out of my sight.
Yesterday my daughter called needing me to watch grandchildren while she rushed my son-in-law to ER. So I made my husband go with me as I did not want him home and me there. Thank God my son-in-law ended up not going to ER. But it is a nightmare that won’t end.
I know there are more times than not that I am hurting, but I don’t like to think deeply about it too much for fear of it getting worse instead of better. I will like to open up and be friends with more women, but I let my insecurities get in the way. I have to admit that I have a lot of maturing to do when it comes to having God-confidence. Your devotions and online bible study gives me hope, I am so thankful to be able to be a part of it.
My own confidence—-am I even capable of having true confidence in myself? I just do not know.
I can relate to so many of these posts. I would have to say that I am not feeling FINE today, anything but fine actually. Just have had a rough couple of days with my husband and am feeling disheartened. I do have a group of girls at my church who I am close to, but I sometimes feel as if I’m even burdening them with my problems. Or maybe my problems seem smaller than theirs. So instead I’m venting here today. I think I can relate to Renee’s house. Sounds weird, but from a distance I may seem fine, but if you look a little closer, I am not. I try to keep up the facade, but it’s a lot of work. Or I just try to move stuff around to make it look fine. It’s hard for me to let people know that I am not fine. I think that they don’t really want to hear it. I can also relate to her relationship with her father. My parents divorced when I was three. My mom remarried when I was five. I have spent my entire life trying to either get my biological dad to love me or my step dad to be proud of me. It is so comforting to me now as I re-read the words from Renee’s book, that God is there for me. He is pursuing me. He wants to know me. I don’t need to try to impress him or earn his love. I don’t have to pretend with him. He knows my thoughts and is not critical of me. I can stop trying to be so busy all of the time and slow down and show Him the desires of my heart. I am so thankful that God is there even when it seems like I’m alone.
Something that struck me on my third time through the chapter was this statement: “He knows that our problems won’t be solved and our confidence won’t be found through simply getting more stuff done.” This lie has taken root in my spirit during past years… as a woman who has struggled with a twisted perfectionism as a way to earn love, I have at the same time never been a “good housekeeper.” I assume my husband is unhappy when he gets home, and I tell myself he would love me more if I could just accomplish more during the day. Then, on the days when I feel accomplished at the end of it if he doesn’t recognize it, I am crushed. My confidence does not (should not) come from the way my home looks, or my husband’s appreciation, or “getting more stuff done.” This is a very specific area of struggle for me among the larger issues, and I think I have to be careful not to swing too much towards saying “It doesn’t matter, God loves me” and not putting forth effort to serve my husband. But my confidence should not be wrapped up in my productivity.
I think removing the “I’m fine mask” will come gradually and may not even be possible with everyone we meet. For instance today at church my co-teacher said “How are you?” and I told her I was diagnosed with shingles down the side of my head, it’s covered by my hair so no one would know if I didn’t say anything.
I told her I could use some prayers because there are some complications that can arise when these appear on your scalp but luckily I got to the Doctor early so I am on treatment, although there is no cure.
So, she looks at me and says “So you’re not fine?”
Later in the day I ran into another friend and again was asked “How are you?” But I couldn’t even respond because she launched into a rather loud conversation until people from both lines at the store had turned to look in our direction, and of course I wasn’t going to tell her about my condition at that point. Another church lady so I would have liked to ask for prayers but I didn’t want it broadcast througout the store.
So, slowly, very slowly I’m beginning to remove the mask and the responses have been interesting!
I totally agree that we have to me led about unveiling things about ourselves to just anyone. I like to think of relationships using the tabernacle analogy. We have relationships that fall into the outer court, inner court, or Holy of Holies, with the Holy of Holies being our most intimate level. There are things that I will share with the people in my intimate group that I would probably gloss over or never mention to those in the outer court. I believe God will enable us to discern when we need to share and when we need to stay silent.
As others have said, I have developed a great “fine” mask. I wear it well and rarely take it off. I’ve realized more and more lately though that if we were all to take off our masks to each other, we would know we are not alone in what we are going through, that we our struggles are normal and that we don’t have to be fine because we have the support of God and our family and friends.
I love the online community here and reading what you all are going through and how you support each other. Thank you for being real ladies.
I just finished Lysa “More than just a good Bible Study girl” last night and I am back for a second go round with Confident Heart. I didn’t get it last time…as I am still feeling self doubt. I found this youtube this morning after a strange little leading by the Holy Spirit. The truth of the matter is I don’t want to be out doing, I want to be here sitting at the Lord’s feet. My task: Taking “sitting at the Lord’s feet” on the road with me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&feature=endscreen&v=9P1i7trQDbs
Any ideas?
The other night in church, our pastor preached on God’s heart for women. He said something that really struck me. He said that being emotional is Godly. All throughout the gospel, Jesus shows emotion. He wept when Lazarus died and got angry in the market place. He didn’t say “I’m fine.” For a long time, I’ve believed the lie that showing emotion or crying or saying anything other than “I’m fine” was a sign of weakness. This is far from the truth. When we tell people we’re not fine and show emotion, we’re actually being more like Jesus. Jesus catches our vulnerability and holds it close to His heart. He loves it when we’re open with Him and raw with our emotions.
This thought warms my heart more than anything.
I love it. Thank you for sharing your pastor’s words with the rest of us! How encouraging!
FINE…Yeah, I think I say it most often because I so badly want to be fine, and if I compare myself to others who have more hurts and challenges than I do I convince myself that I really am fine. I avoid feeling pain, mostly because I don’t like it. Who does?
But KNOWING God loves me for who I am, not for what I do is truly amazing. Renee says something about letting the grace we know in our head sink down into our heart. Thank God, that’s what He’s been doing with me lately. Having taken many of my “doing” away temporarily, He has shown me myself – not a beautiful sight to see, honestly, but THEN, then He has LOVED me and whispered in my ear how He has always known my pride and still loved me and used me in spite of it.
AMAZING GRACE! Oh, Jesus, I love you too. For we love, ladies, only as much as we know we are loved and have been forgiven! I thank God for showing me the extent of my insecurities and pride, because through it all I have found more of His love.
This week I paid attention to the number of times I said Fine and it’s a lot.
I have always put up a mask to hide my emotions or feelings to everyone in my family. I am the oldest and when my parents divorced I stopped with all emotion and decided I had to be strong for everyone else at the age of 12. I always hid my emotions and in doing so that has caused great anxiety and worry for me inside. And now as a mother of two I often feel that I must do that even more for fear that I will be seen as weak or not in control. But I truly believe that through this study the Lord will help me change those thoughts and feelings of being Fine all the time. I want to throw away the masks and learn to seek God through those fine times!!
I am so very grateful for this bible study; I cried all the way through chapter 3 last nite and then I said the closing prayer and my Father rocked me to sleep. Such a wonderful release and sweet peace.
I saw this on Pinterest and just knew I had to post it. It is a “saying” all about “Fine” http://things-i-tell-myself.tumblr.com/post/14273140578, and so true so much of the time. Fine has become just a nice way of answering, “How are you doing?”. I don’t even think about it anymore. It’s an automatic response. I used to tell people, friends, how I really was, and after being betrayed so many times, now it’s always, with anyone, except family, “fine”. I didn’t think I had a problem when I first commented on this chapter, as I always used to tell people how I felt. However, “used to” is the problem. I didn’t want to admit that I had closed up, shut down, and built up walls. I didn’t want to admit that like Sam, I too went and got my water when I knew others wouldn’t be around, had shut myself off from others. I am always “fine” now. I am learning though through the advice on here I have gotten from many, the things I did wrong before in friendships, that I trusted others too much, too fast. I didn’t listen to The Holy Spirit, and pray about friendships before going deeper with my friendships. Oh so many things. Other things I couldn’t have controlled, but I can’t close myself off. God didn’t create me to be without friends, and if I pray about it, in His time will place them in my life. Through this book I am also learning that God’s promises are not only true, but each is a love letter to me! I am starting to feel the word of God in my heart, and not just hear it in my head. I am looking to Him now to “fill me up”, not friends. I still don’t trust easily, and it’s my first instinct not to, but I am praying about that, and learning so much here and in Renee’s book.
Kyrie: God’s promises are love letters! I like this thought!
I’m grateful for this bible study. I love how this special community encourages and prays for one another.
I was impressed by thought ‘We don’t have it all under control, and I can’t help but think that when we act like we do, we basically tell God that we don’t need him.”
I signed up for this study because i feel insecure and not confident alot. I’m a talker and i tend to try to talk to become less anxous and more confident.
I read this chapter and know that God is calling me to learn that he is more than enough and to depend on him to give me a sense of worth. I talked what I was feeling to a wise lady at church. It lined up with what God is drawing me to,
Renee shared what is going on with her daughter. I can totally relate to that because I was diagnosed with a hearing loss at age 6 and my hearing loss is now severe to profound. I always and still do feel that I’m different. I spent alot of time as a child in doctor’s offices.
An early memory from when I was around 4 or 5. I had fallen and my parents took me to the ER. my parents told me that the medical staff came out and told them “She kept saying I’m going to be okay and she was trying to ressure us”.
Man,, I had a horrible week, truly heart wrenching horrible, and this spoke volumes to me, screamed volumes to me. GOD is so very present in this study , so present. I have created a beautiful stunning marvelous “I’M FINE” mask, I worked on it for over 20 year, maintaining it, and adding trinkets in my mind to it. Please friends pray for me, for courage to admit that I am not fine, I am so exhausted from trying to maintain this persona of fineness. I cry out to GOD, I want GOD to be my all in all, I want HIM to allow me to crumble, to fail, to fall, and to remove this mask. I need your prayers, I need HIS presence, I need the Spirit to fill me with courage. Blessing to you all sweet sisters!
Leslie:
God is indeed present for me also. May I pray for you?
Holy and Gracious God, please be with Leslie. Let her know that you hear her cries. Fill her with confidence to remove her “I’m Fine Mask” to just the right person. Let her be aware of your close presence, and to feel your love. Amen.
Leslie S, I hear you, sorry you had a horrible week, I pray next week is better for you. I like your picture of adding to the mask of being fine, I think over my years I have done that and not known I was doing it. We get into remote mode and just go day to day not realizing we are trying to do it all on our own till we fall and need the help of God to get us back on the right track again, HIs track. Take your exhaustion to God and drop it at His feet, the feet of the cross and He will help you remove your mask and move on out of your exhaustion~~~~~~~Love Sue
Loving, heavenly Father, I ask Your blessings upon Leslie. Please lead her beside the still waters and restore her soul. Give her the courage it takes to rid herself of the mask, to stop the habit of pretending that every thing is ‘fine’ when it is not, and to fill her with Your peace that surpasses all human understanding so that it is a balm for her woundedness. Pour Your grace and mercy into her until she is full to overflowing even as You do the same for all of us here. In the name of Jesus Christ I pray. Amen.
Amen, what a beautiful prayer Nancy
I grew up with a Catholic background, Catholic school in the 60’s and HIgh School too, so my early perception of God has that background. I have grown a lot since then and God has put different people in my life to open my eyes to different things. I now see Christ and God and the Holy Spirit differently now than when I was younger and I thank God for sending people into my life to do that. It is hard to change what you have learned when you were younger so it takes time and endurance and hard work learning the word of God and truly knowing what He has said and finding His plum line to live by.
I like the visual of finding God’s plumb line!!! Thanks!