How hard is it for you to let people know how you’re doing? I mean how you’re really doing.
From reading your thoughts in the comments on Monday’s post, I think we can all realize it’s hard for most of us to keep our guard up and shy away from lettings others in – especially when we need their help, prayers or encouragement.
As I shared in Chapter 2, “Sometimes I think we tell people we’re fine even when we’re not, because we want to be. Or we hope that by saying we are fine, eventually we will be. Other times we act like we’re fine because others expect us to be. And I love how so many of you admitted you also have days when hormones or grumpy-ness trump all good manners and anyone within ten feet knows you are not fine. In fact, what you really meant in code is that you are Frazzled, Irritated, Neurotic, and Exhausted!”
Today, I want you to meet and hear from my friend, Melanie from Only a Breath. She’s the one who created our really cute Online Study blog button (see my sidebar if you want one)! In it she challenges us to take off the “I’m Fine” mask and be real with God, each other and especially ourselves about how we’re really doing.
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… She walks the hallway, fighting back tears that threaten to well up again. It’s been a long night, filled with betrayal and disappointment. Her future is uncertain. Back at the office, she tries to maintain normalcy. When eyes met, she is faced with another routine, “How are you?”
“I’m fine”, she answers, with a plastic smile that hides her pain.
… Across town, a young father shakes hands with the fourth interviewer that month. “Thank you for your time.”he says. On the way home, his wife calls to see if there’ s any hope for the job they’ve been praying for…for so long. They have mouths to feed, children to raise, a car on its last miles… “It will be fine”, he assures her. As he hangs up, he hangs his head in despair.
… A young, single mom cuddles her baby on the park bench. She holds her boy close, surrounded by happy couples with smiling children. She never expected to raise her child alone. The pain is sometimes too much to bear. Will she ever feel that she belongs? That she is wanted? Loved? Beautiful?
“We will be fine she whispers into his soft ear, surrounded by whisps of fine, brown hair.
“I’m fine…”
“We’re fine…”
“Doing great…”
In Chapter 2, Renee invites us to take off the “I’m fine” mask. But she also acknowledges just how scary it is to expose the pain that keeps us up, haunts us like nightmares, and threatens each breath of hope.
… but we’re fine.
Or are we?
Could we take off the mask that we, especially as Christians, live the “fairy tale”? We are certainly blessed, in every circumstance guarded by the Father, but honestly, in the deepest parts, we aren’t fine.
I’m not fine.
If I took off the “I’m fine” mask, would you think less of me, or would you think I’m … human?
We don’t have it all under control, and I can’t help but think that when we act like we do, we basically tell God that we don’t need him.
We’ve got this.
By pretending we’re “fine” we tell others something must be wrong with them if they are hurting… because we certainly are not hurting.
We’re fine.
What if we let someone else in? What if we said, “I’m hurting, and the details aren’t important, but would you please pray for me? I would really appreciate that.” Could that help them, in return, reach out to someone else when they are hurting?
Do we need to grant one another permission to not be fine?
Could we come broken before the Father, and cry out for His mercy and strength? He did promise to never leave us or forsake us. Even when we don’t feel it, could we still cling to His promise and claim it?
He knows we’re not fine.
Could the trials be the very thing that break the strings holding on our mask, allowing it to fall to the ground so we cling to Him a little tighter?
The truth is…
We aren’t fine… We are forgiven.
We aren’t in control… We are held by the hands that control our very heartbeat.
We aren’t invincible… We are made to look to the only One who can heal the broken.
As a sisterhood of hearts seeking our confidence in HIM, let’s take off our masks today. At least here with each other. And maybe with just one other person we meet this week. I have a feeling someone needs to see the battle wounds and scars we carry in order for them to stop pretending and seek His help too.
And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9
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Thank you so much Melanie, for reminding me and all of us again today that God’s grace is sufficient. God’s grace can be my sufficient… if I let it be.
Today’s Assignment:
- Continue or finish reading chapter 2 and answer end of chapter questions. Then come back and share with us what God is showing you about how His perfect love changes everything – especially the pressure to be it all, do it all and know it all – all at the same time.
Connect in Community:
- Please “Share Your Thoughts” below this post. Just click those words and do just that. (Remember if you are reading this in an email, click on the title “I’m Fine…really” at the top of the post to visit my website and connect with our ACH community! (This is such a valuable part of this study. My favorite part!!)
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This chapter has brought so many thoughts and feelings to the surface. With everything in me I want to bury the thoughts and not deal with them. My life is busy- crazy busy and would rather not think or deal with some of the painful memories and thoughts that have surfaced. And yet I know that God wants me to deal!! Deal with emotions, painful memories, lies believed, and cover them with God’s truth!
I am curious to know if anyone else’s first memories of God are of a judgemental, angry God, waitig for us to fail and keeping records of those failures. If so, have you fully overcome (and how) or what are you doing to overcome?
Carolyn,
This is a common perception of God because throughout the old testament God judges and punnishes sin. In the new testament we are told that our sin deserves God’s wrath. Romans 1:18 says “the wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the godlessness and wickedness of men.” And of course the Israelites were punnished for their sins,so that is the example set before us. BUT, follow this by Romans 5:1 “Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have PEACE with GOD through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand.” One of my favorite hymns is We Stand in Grace. I know I deserve God’s wrath but with Christ I stand in Grace. God doesn’t desire to punnish us, He desires that we know him and through knowing him, accept his gift of grace. “Love keeps no record of wrongs.” 1Corinthians 13:5. There are many more verses for Love in the bible then there are for wrath, perhaps a study of those verses would help you.
Hi Carolyn,
Your list of memories of God is one I grew up with and also had the extra one added that when something bad happens to us, it is God punishing us because we’ve sinned. To this day my mother still tells me this [I’m 53] and it hurts. My husband divorced me because he found someone else [after 29 yrs and four lovely adult children]. This I have given to God to deal with but I still get those feelings of being worthless and my mother’s words come back to me. I have to ‘take every thought captive’ to get past those feelings. I have found a great church where God’s love, grace and mercy are proclaimed. I am overcoming these memories by reading the Bible and finding out what it really says not what my mom and others tell me. Being involved in this study group also supports the promises of God, that He forgives us, loves us and wants a relationship with us. I am also struggling with ‘being fine’ in everyone’s eyes. Many do not know that I’m divorced because I feel such shame about it, talk about wearing a mask. I am working on this daily with God.
So, Carolyn, after my rant, all I can say is it is an ongoing job of reprograming your thoughts, replacing the faulty memories with the true ones, and trusting God with all that your are and all that you will be in the plans He has for you. God is loving, caring, forgiving, and healing, He is also going to judge the world but we have His saving grace through our Saviour Jesus, trust Him.
Thanks to you each for your encouragement and thoughts. My background is similar to yours, Susan. I often feel like I’ve conquered the wrong thinking, “taking every thought captive”, and then, BOOM – they’re back when I least expect them. I guess Satan has had alot more years at perfecting his lies and deceits than I have at hearing the Truth through the Word. Lynn: Thanks for Romans 5:1 – I’ll meditate on that. I appreciate the reminder, Gloria, to seek what the bible says so I can replace the “faulty” thoughts with truth. I’m so excited to be part of this and hear everyone’s thoughts. Thanks again, sisters!!! <3
This chapter hits home for me, It is common for me to say find, But I am learning to say hanging in there, or that I have had better days but that it could be worst, so I am thankful for the lessons given to me for in which I learn more about Gods love for me. This in turn does open a door for someone to ask and gives me the opportunity for me to open up if I fell confident in there love, support and that it will NOT be shared with everyone! Gossip is a rumor and when it leaves ones mouth, you never know what will said from that time on. So it is HARD for me to honestly open up due to the hurts in my life. I choose to talk with God personally and to journal. I continue to strive daily to not say “fine.” for I have learned this is a false statement, but I also have ask for an ear that hears fine, will try to ask if you need a listening ear, I am here. I love learning that God is there for me everywhere, that he loves me for who I am, that He does not judge me or keep track of my flaws and that all I need to do is seek Him for comfort, guidance, love and for forgiveness. God Bless to all my sister in Christ…
I’m not fine! Been with my company since ’96 and I’m feeling lost amidst some major transitions going on this year. I recognize this week how much I yearn to belong. I’m not fine!
Am I FINE? No I am not. Feelings Inside Not Expressed so defines me. For years I have lived like this and I so can identify with parts of Sam’s story that is rejection and not feeling worthy. There are some beautiful truths that you revealed Renee. Truths that I do not have to be perfect because God is, God wants to meet me right where I am, He choose to give me His love because I am worth it etc. I need to let these truths move from my head to my heart so that I can revel in His love and grace. My soul wants to end its journey of tripping and start living uncaged and free. I so want to be free of insecurity.
Thank you God for choosing Renee to speak for you to the people. Thanks Renee for honoring God’s call on your life to speak to the people by writing the book and hosting the study. Thank you for making the book free so that I could get a copy. I am reading it you and the other sisters on Kindle for PC app, Please offer up prayers for me, I need it.
Thank you for all of this! I want to understand why I have always been insecure. I still don’t understand…but I love the scripture and hope I can start feeling worthy. I wish people liked me and wanted to spend time with me
All my life i have been “fine” or “okay”. Growing up, I learned that big girls don’t cry and that me being “fine” was important to the emotional well-being of my family. I somehow believed that their life actually depended on me being “fine”. Now that i’m an adult, I’m still always “fine”. When I respond to emails, I find myself deleting and retyping the response to the question ‘how are you?” to make sure that I don’t come across as negative. I feel guilty for saying I’m hanging in there, when to be truly honest, I really am barely hanging on to my sanity. In the times I have not been “fine” I get mixed responses, some are so shocked they don’t know how to respond to my thoughts, others brand me as being negative, and some Christian friends make it seem as if it’s wrong for voicing my true feelings, instead of claiming, declaring, and preaching the word. I hide my feelings so often, that there are times when I can’t even identify my feelings, I’m just left feeling confused. I’m currently working on writing in my journal more because writing forces me to process my feelings, and that way both God and I know the truth.
SNP I share some of your feelings about being fine. I am sorry that others make you feel confused and wrong for sharing. Journaling I think would be a great release for you to be able to get those feelings out and on paper. I think God loves it when we share with Him our innermost feelings because he longs to be close to us. He is the great healer. Prayers for you and your journaling process!
Loving Father, I ask that You bless SNP. Pour Your peace which surpasses all human understanding into her heart so deep that nothing and no one can remove it from her. Help her to accept those things and people she cannot change and to remember as those people are saying things to her that are not helpful that You are there and You will always provide for her what she needs and therefore she need not concern herself with what others say. May her involvement here bring to her the wisdom to learn how to ignore what needs to be ignored, listen to what needs to be heard, and accept Your steadfast love always. In the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.
“We aren’t fine… We are forgiven.
We aren’t in control… We are held by the hands that control our very heartbeat.
We aren’t invincible… We are made to look to the only One who can heal the broken.”
Love this! Thank you so much for sharing!
In the last 4 years I have Lost My husband and the Love of my life to Divorce, My father died shortly there after of cancer, my daughter has decided she is atheist and my son is in prison. I still say I’m fine when what i want to do is SCREAM HOW DO YOU THINK I AM????? But I remember that I am the child of a KING and he has gotten me this far and He will carry me through till the day of Christ. Did I loose my confidence in all this and do I doubt YOU BET I DO. But with these first 2 chapters I’m hearing and learning that it’s okay to say Not really I’m hurting but I say it to the one who already knows and is and has been healing those hurts and the pain and loneliness I feel, GOD my heavenly Father has given me friends that no longer ask but say I know things will get better and I’m here if you need me and I’m praying for you. I praise GOd for all that He has done and will do through these circumstances. Because of this I know that when I am on the moutain top I am so thankful but I am just as thankful for the valleys because without them I would never appreciate the mountian top. He is and has given me the confidence to carry on until the day of our Saviours coming. Thank you Renee for this study once again to contiue to help me grow in my confidence and to stop the doubting I trust God with it all. I’m praying for all my sisters in Christ and this study Praise be to Our Almighty heavenly Father
This is where I want to be: “depending on His Word with my whole heart, mind, and soul.” I want to know Him better each day. I know I have nothing to offer Jesus and that all my works fail in comparison to his righteousness. But I also know that all He wants from me…is me.
I also love the realization/reminder that Jesus wants to help me see what is going on in my heart, because often I can’t even pinpoint what exactly I’m struggling with. It’s at those times that I am overwhelmed by what should be counted as my blessings, and this is also when I realize that even though I may not feel fine…I will be when I give myself to Him. Whenever I take time to read His Word and pray, my feelings realign to His Truth. Sisters, there’s no sweeter peace than what we have in Jesus!
God bless you all this weekend! We are taking our 11 year old to Agape, a Christian music festival, for his very first time. It should be great!
Rhonda, have a great family weekend!
I’m studying the book of Hebrew, and this verse (Heb. 10:14) stood out for me and has helped me to accept and not judge myself. “He has made perfect those who are being made holy”. Jesus has already made us perfect for when we will be in heaven, while helping us now to become holy. This is a process and it means God knows we are still “unholy” (so why am I shocked when I struggle with sin or unpleasant attitudes?). It gives me hope that God is at work in my situation to make me holy. It is okay if I’m not perfect, He knows it and is at work in me.
I am not fine. I will be the first to admit it. I signed up to do this study and then hesitated getting started. Now that I have, I wish I’d gotten a paper copy of your book Renee instead of downloading it on my Kindle because it would be highlighted ALL over! I’m going through a very dark time right now, and trying to maintain the smile on my face so no one is the wiser, but it’s exhausting. My whole life I’ve put up a wall and now, with the help of an awesome Godly counselor, I’m trying to tear it down. I don’t trust people and though I’ve been a ‘Christian’ my whole life, I don’t think I’ve allowed myself to fully trust Him either. This study is so timely for me. Thank you Renee for letting God use you, this is one heart that will not be the same after doing this study.
“God’s love is perfect, so I don’t have to be.” I am really trying to get this into my head and heart.
This chapter spoke volumes to me. As noted on page 42, you felt God’s approval when good things were happening in your life, and if life was hard and you were lonely, you wondered what you had done wrong, and felt as if God was turning His back on you.
Why do we think that way?
While I am not a perfectionist, I find myself battling a harsh and skewed divine retribution theology held by others, and judged accordingly when “bad” things happen, or when life is hard. Such a insidious mindset to fight. For example, when an extremely, extremely old, near archaic car broke down, I was questioned if I was tithing. I do tithe, and above 10%. Needless to say, I was deeply grieved and wounded by the intimation that this “bad” happened to me because of my possible sin (lack of perfection).
Disciplined, not accepted, not approved of, not good enough unless I am perfect. Impossible.
Sometimes, R, I feel the same way, I am also trying to get this into my head that I don’t need to be perfect, all my ducks don’t need to be in a row. Sometimes I have it in my head but I need to get it into my heart, the heart God is looking at.
This definetely relates to the women in my life. It’s like we think we have to hide behind that I’m fine mask because we will show some kind of weakness if we show how we are really doing. My thing is since I was a kid there has always been one thing after another, literally , so I feel like when someone asks how I am I just say “I’m fine” because I’m sure people get tired of hearing I’m not fine and now this is what’s happening. I don’t want to be a complainer. I want to learn to praise God in the tough times so I don’t want people to think I’m just dramatic or a worrier.
Melody,
Oh boy you hit home for me! I can so relate to where you are coming from because that’s how I feel. For the past 7 years our life (my families as well) has been one thing after another and so much so that I began to think that I was deserving all that was happening and began moving away from God. I kept going to church, going through the motions when I was there but I wasn’t reading the Word, doing devotions, spending time with God, etc. I kept thinking he didn’t love me enough to help us…..
Things started to turn around for me in August of 2011 when everything came to a head at a Church Leadership Meeting, no less. I was given the opportunity express how I felt about something and eveything came out….I have since gone back to the basics ( that’s what I like to call it) plus that’s what felt the Lord telling me to do. I went back to being devoted to getting up early in the morning and praying, reading, I started journaling some, and asked God to heal me…..by the mercy and grace of God I’ve come along ways since that day in August but I still have a long way to go. That’s why when I saw the opportunity to do this online Bible Study I couldn’t pass it up.
I will be praying for you! 🙂
I’m FINE. I’m FINE. how i say that word when I know, I’m really not FINE. My therapist in college shared the FINE acroynm with me one session. I was lost for words. How could a four letter word be so powerful yet reflect how within I was being bombarded with pain, hurt, anger and frustration. I thank God for Renee and her surrounding community of believers who share their stories on this website that touch so many women’s lives. Today I’m blessed to say, its time to take off the mask and get real. I love you so much GOD. I hope all of you have a blessed day.
I am learning that as I continue to walk in the understanding of my Father’s amazing love for me, it really can and does have the power to change me… This chapter has helped me GREATLY in a recent situation involving my family of origin. Those relationships are SO not what I wish they were…there is SO much rejection and hurt and judgement that has been woven into those relationships over a long period of time..and even now as an adult, with a Godly husband and 3 children who are walking with Jesus, I again find myself tossed around by emotions that would threaten to “steal my peace.” BUT, I see that when I feel hurt, pain, rejection etc–those are the exact moments to “go deep” with Jesus. Let HIM show me WHY I’m hurting…and I believe that WHATEVER need that I expected/wanted a relationship to meet–my Jesus can meet better…I only have to turn to HIM and ask him/allow Him to do so…when I do that–allow Jesus to meet the need that I expected another to meet–then I am free to love and give of myself and not get hurt…not feel rejected…not go with needs unmet…I can love without expectations of something in return…and THIS is how I need to love my family…without expectations…JESUS will meet my needs with his amazing love and grace…Thank you Jesus, for how YOU LOVE ME!
After reading Chapter 2…my self evaluation is this: I find it hard to be “real” with God because my “real” doesn’t look very much like Christ. Consequently, I see myself as a disappointment to God and too imperfect to be in His presence, too imperfect for Him to be interested in me or to hear my cries. I only “feel” worthy to be heard when I am “thanksgiving” or “praising”. So, now, knowing that Jesus desires to give me “a safe place” to be transparent, and knowing that God’s desire is to know and be known………………that opens up a whole new dimension! 🙂
Wow, I love seeing how God is showing you HIS heart as He really is. Jesus is the exact representation of God’s heart towards you LaDena – you are accepted, loved, pursued, forgiven and you belong – just like He said and showed to Sam. Praying for you as you soak in these new life-giving truths!!
Your response hit the nail on the head for me. I’m always afraid that I’m not focusing on praising and being thankful enough. It’s nice to know that Jesus met Sam at the well – right where she was. I’m a perfectionist at everything and it has paralyzed me. Knowing that God will meet me in that paralysis is comforting.
Renee Thanks for this study! I a lot of times say I’m fine when I’m not, only because, I’m sure people do n’t want to know, and, I’ve been accused by loved ones like my own mother, that I am too oversensitive, after, hearing about this chapter, and reading all the comments, and realizing how everyone encouarages everyone so much, and everyone gives everyone such good ideas, It makes me feel so much better. i’m feeling more honest and more confident, and it’s so good to know there are a lot of women out there who feel like I do. Also, as I’m reading the comments, I also sense God speak to my heart too what a great study! Thank you Renee for all that you do! Thank you!
I have taken to I’m not fine now, but I will be. I know that whatever I am going through is temporary, it came to pass–not to stay but to pass (with a hat tip to Mark Lowry for that). Some temporaries are longer than others (like how my husband has been un and underemployed since October 2009 despite earnest prayers) and some temporaries hurt more than others which is when the tears come and I cry out more to God. Some temporaries are emotional and usually clear eventually and some temporaries are physical and will be with me until I get to heaven (and thus are temporary since once I am there, they will be gone).
Hugs to everyone of the Pretty Princesses who are a part of this study. May God fill your days with confident hearts and grace that overflows onto those with whom you come in contact.
If you have not done the spiritual assessment, I suggest you take the time to do it! I am quite suprised with how I came out. I am enjoying this study soooo much, glad to be a part of it! I saw Renee speak last weekend and she was amazing! Keep up the good work and ladies, keep up the encouragement!
Angela- Thanks for the advice of the spiritual assessment. I was very suprise how I cam out. It was very enlightening especially looking where Gods will is for me right now. Thank you so much.
Did I miss something? Was there a spiritual assessment someplace? I would love to take this!! Can you all direct me to where it is, please? Thank you so much! : )
Anna,
I looked it up on Renee’s website if you have an e-mail I can pass it along. I felt called to do it at this time in my life.
Shannon – thanks so much! I think I found it – under free resources! lol – silly me!! I should have thought to check there! I can’t wait to do it!