How hard is it for you to let people know how you’re doing? I mean how you’re really doing.
From reading your thoughts in the comments on Monday’s post, I think we can all realize it’s hard for most of us to keep our guard up and shy away from lettings others in – especially when we need their help, prayers or encouragement.
As I shared in Chapter 2, “Sometimes I think we tell people we’re fine even when we’re not, because we want to be. Or we hope that by saying we are fine, eventually we will be. Other times we act like we’re fine because others expect us to be. And I love how so many of you admitted you also have days when hormones or grumpy-ness trump all good manners and anyone within ten feet knows you are not fine. In fact, what you really meant in code is that you are Frazzled, Irritated, Neurotic, and Exhausted!”
Today, I want you to meet and hear from my friend, Melanie from Only a Breath. She’s the one who created our really cute Online Study blog button (see my sidebar if you want one)! In it she challenges us to take off the “I’m Fine” mask and be real with God, each other and especially ourselves about how we’re really doing.
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… She walks the hallway, fighting back tears that threaten to well up again. It’s been a long night, filled with betrayal and disappointment. Her future is uncertain. Back at the office, she tries to maintain normalcy. When eyes met, she is faced with another routine, “How are you?”
“I’m fine”, she answers, with a plastic smile that hides her pain.
… Across town, a young father shakes hands with the fourth interviewer that month. “Thank you for your time.”he says. On the way home, his wife calls to see if there’ s any hope for the job they’ve been praying for…for so long. They have mouths to feed, children to raise, a car on its last miles… “It will be fine”, he assures her. As he hangs up, he hangs his head in despair.
… A young, single mom cuddles her baby on the park bench. She holds her boy close, surrounded by happy couples with smiling children. She never expected to raise her child alone. The pain is sometimes too much to bear. Will she ever feel that she belongs? That she is wanted? Loved? Beautiful?
“We will be fine she whispers into his soft ear, surrounded by whisps of fine, brown hair.
“I’m fine…”
“We’re fine…”
“Doing great…”
In Chapter 2, Renee invites us to take off the “I’m fine” mask. But she also acknowledges just how scary it is to expose the pain that keeps us up, haunts us like nightmares, and threatens each breath of hope.
… but we’re fine.
Or are we?
Could we take off the mask that we, especially as Christians, live the “fairy tale”? We are certainly blessed, in every circumstance guarded by the Father, but honestly, in the deepest parts, we aren’t fine.
I’m not fine.
If I took off the “I’m fine” mask, would you think less of me, or would you think I’m … human?
We don’t have it all under control, and I can’t help but think that when we act like we do, we basically tell God that we don’t need him.
We’ve got this.
By pretending we’re “fine” we tell others something must be wrong with them if they are hurting… because we certainly are not hurting.
We’re fine.
What if we let someone else in? What if we said, “I’m hurting, and the details aren’t important, but would you please pray for me? I would really appreciate that.” Could that help them, in return, reach out to someone else when they are hurting?
Do we need to grant one another permission to not be fine?
Could we come broken before the Father, and cry out for His mercy and strength? He did promise to never leave us or forsake us. Even when we don’t feel it, could we still cling to His promise and claim it?
He knows we’re not fine.
Could the trials be the very thing that break the strings holding on our mask, allowing it to fall to the ground so we cling to Him a little tighter?
The truth is…
We aren’t fine… We are forgiven.
We aren’t in control… We are held by the hands that control our very heartbeat.
We aren’t invincible… We are made to look to the only One who can heal the broken.
As a sisterhood of hearts seeking our confidence in HIM, let’s take off our masks today. At least here with each other. And maybe with just one other person we meet this week. I have a feeling someone needs to see the battle wounds and scars we carry in order for them to stop pretending and seek His help too.
And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9
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Thank you so much Melanie, for reminding me and all of us again today that God’s grace is sufficient. God’s grace can be my sufficient… if I let it be.
Today’s Assignment:
- Continue or finish reading chapter 2 and answer end of chapter questions. Then come back and share with us what God is showing you about how His perfect love changes everything – especially the pressure to be it all, do it all and know it all – all at the same time.
Connect in Community:
- Please “Share Your Thoughts” below this post. Just click those words and do just that. (Remember if you are reading this in an email, click on the title “I’m Fine…really” at the top of the post to visit my website and connect with our ACH community! (This is such a valuable part of this study. My favorite part!!)
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This entire second chapter has positively impacted my life more than I could have ever foreseen. I have been pursuing a dream for several years, now, and it seems that with each advancement I make many of those closest to me become a little more indifferent towards me. Some even ramp up their nasty, and cutting remarks to me. This has left me hurt, confused, doubtful about whether I should continue the pursuit of my dream, and at times less than confident in that pursuit. At times I’ve felt all alone, and without any support system. After reading chapter 2 I realize that God is with me, and I am not alone. I realize that God is the one I can turn to when fears, doubts, and hurts assail me. I also realize that He has placed people in my life who are supportive of me and that I need to nurture those relationships more. In short, I’ve had an epiphany as a result of reading chapter 2. Thank you, Renee Swope for answering God’s call to write this book, and launch this ministry!
Several years back when I lived in a different city I would visit the grocery store and there was a gentleman behind the fish counter that would ask “How are you today?” I would answer “Fine, How are you?”
And you know what his answer was?
Well the first week, he answered “Fantastic”. Which was a nice surprise.
The second week he answered “Terrrrrific”!
The third week he replied “Super!”
Now, I dont’ know if he was fantastic, terrific or super but his response really made my response of just “Fine”, pale in comparision.
And this guys response really stuck with me for years in fact, since I’m sharing it now.
But his response made me want what he had.
And I think what he had was Jesus in his heart!
I love it! A friend of ours always answers with “outstanding” and it makes me smile every time!
That is cool, years ago I went to a conference given by Kieth Harrell, and he taught us to always respond with “FANTASTIC.” And that if we found a difficult situation to say, EXCUSE ME, then, STOMP OUT (almost like marching) to let out our frustration and that this will release the emotion so that we can go on. This was awesome, not only does it lift my spirits, it helps me stay focused on my blessing, no matter what comes my way. At the same time, I can not even begin to wonder what some are thinking, but to me that does not matter, what matters is what the Lord thinks. God Bless
I know I’m guilty of saying “I’m fine”, while thinking – “I’m not fine, but honestly it’s none of your business.” I don’t really want to share all my troubles…I don’t want everyone knowing my marriage troubles or my personal struggles. Not because I want to appear to have it together, but because I don’t want my dirty laundry all over town, through the whole family, or the entire church! I’m sure by always saying fine I’m bottling it all up and just making it worse though.
Anna – I know exactly what you mean! I have a christian friend that asked how I was doing (I have had some health problems for a while) when I began to tell her she actually began to yawn. I don’t know whether it was intentional or not but, I think I like Renee’s book suggestion to say “without giving you all the details will you pray for me.” !! ( I have a good chuckle about it now!) 😉
Katy – thank you so much for the reminder! That’s right! She did say that in the book!! I do need to remember I can say “I’m not ok and the details aren’t important, but please pray for me”! Thank you so much for reminding me! : )
I just want to say that I love this book. I really connect with the acronym Feeling Inadequate Needing Encouragement. I have problems with feeling inadequate and this book has helped me so much. Sometimes I feel that I am the only person that feel insecure and inadequate and it helps so much to know that I am not alone. One part of chapter 2 really hit home with me “A personal relationship with God sets us free to be all we were created to be. As children of God we were designed to find our identity, our significance and our confidence in Him.” I attended a spiritual retreat about a month ago and God told me that He could not use me until I took off my mask and let myself become what He wanted me to be, what He created me to be. I try to be what others want me to be and I have realized that I need to be what God wants me to be and not worry about what others think. I hold onto the verse from Phil 1:6 “being confident of this, that He who began a good work in [me[ will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
I’m not fine. I have been praying; been prayed for…..and I am still not okay. Fight back tears at work and home and just plain don’t know what to do. I. seek God everyday. Thank you for asking.
Dear Sweet Becky,
We all have been there and please be comforted. We know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them. Romans 8:28 Keep clinging to Him for He cares for you! I do too and I am praying for you to be blessed today in a very special way and that you will know, without a doubt, who is blessing YOU because HE LOVES YOU!! Amen
It’s okay to ask Him to Bless Us whenever we need.
Bless you Becky…God’s not finished with you yet. Keep praying. Lord, please be the lifter of Becky’s head. Today Lord help her to hear your still small voice. Allow her to experience Your love and to be comforted by the fact that you know the numbers of hairs on her head. You know, you love, you hear the cries of Becky’s heart. You never leave or forsake her. Let this be her confidence. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
Becky, I’m glad you are being honest and can say you are not fine, that is half the battle. Don’t hold back the tears but when you cry or feel like crying, ask yourself why am I doing this to see why you are crying and sometimes God will show you things you may not have seen before. Sometimes as we grow older, we start to let go of things and we dont’ realize it and it grieves us so to do this. I will pray that the Holy Spirit the helper Jesus sent to us here on earth will help you and carry you through this time and show you what to do~~~~~keep seeking HIs face, stay in the light~~~~~Sue
Becky, I totally understand how you are feeling but maybe these verses wll help you. 11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:11-13
Ask, Seek, Knock
7 “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.
Matthew 7:7
These are the scriptures that helped me so much. I will pray that you will find employment.
Shannon Thank you for sharing these scriptures. I sent these scriptures to my sister-in-law. They are about to move to another home because the rent is cheaper it won’t be ready until 5/30. Her current landlord said he cannot extend their lease and needs to be out by 5/8. This leaves her and her husband and 3 children and 2 dogs in a desperate need of a place to stay for 3 weeks. I’m torn to help. We live in a small place and don’t know how to fit them comfortable- and to be honest how it will affect my comfort zone?Can I get my prayer sisters to pray for them & me to help with this situation?
Thank you & God Bless you all.
I was known and loved by God this morning~~so I thought I would share~~~~~A friend and I have been making jam in October for Christmas gifts for the last 26 yrs. Today was our brunch for our last bible study group and as I was prompted by the Holy Spirit to do my back exercises on the floor in my bedroom, when I was done my head turned over to under my bench where I had the last of the jam which I was saving for the last class which I had totally forgotten about and I said Thank you Lord, I forgot about that and since I didn’t know how many ladies would show up I kept them in the car till everyone was in to see how many came. And here is the best part, God knew there would be 16 ladies and He gave me exactly 16 jars of jam to share with the ladies today~~~~~~~my heart was jumping, only God who knows me, would know that from last December when all the jam was given out and then some that I would need 16 jars for today to share with the ladies in class! I get so excited when God who knows our comings and goings does things like these and I am quiet enough to listen to the promptings of the Holy Spirit to see what He is doing in my life.
To be known is to be loved
And to be loved is to be known
I feel known and loved by God, He knew what I needed today and that was HIs love for me today to remind me of the jam for class and to have just the number of jars I needed~~~what a gracious God we have.
Praise God, Susan! This is so exciting – thank you for sharing this tender moment with the Father. These kinds of things always make me laugh. He cares about the tiniest things in our lives – how AWESOME is that???
As I was reading John 4 today, a couple things stood out to me. Things that have never hit me before.
1) Jesus made the effort to meet the Samaritan woman right where she was, right in the middle of her bad decisions and messy life. He wanted to be alone with her, so He could speak truth into her life. He knew at the well would be the place He could speak to her soul.
2) The part about worshipping in Spirit. That has never stood out to me before and it soothed my spirit today. Three years ago, I went on a mission trip with a Jr. High youth group. It was suppose to be a time of encouraging them in their relationships with God. But it changed my life forever! The message that week was all about having an authenic relationship with God. This was the beginning of my journey. This journey led me to leave a church that was not authentic. It led me to God and a deeper relationship than I have ever had with Him. It has been a painful journey, but one I would never trade for anything. Now I am in a church that finally feels right! I am growing my relationship with God and my family is slowly changing. But the most important thing I have learned is, when everything is stripped away in your life, is God enough? Is the relationship you have with God enough? Because when I stand before God, it won’t matter what church I worshipped in, it won’t matter who my pastor was, it won’t matter what ministry I served in, the only that will matter will be my relationship with God.
Pam your absolutely right! Amen to that!
Oh My Gosh, Pam! Your post just spoke so clearly to me! God is currently “stripping away” all that I have! Without understand why He is asking me to do these things, I’ve stepped out of ministry, out of counseling, out of bible study (except this one of course) and on and on… Then I saw a book cover: When we are Down to Nothing, God is Up to Something. (isn’t it funny how He chooses to speak to us sometimes!) Now I am led to your post and He reveals a little more to me. How exciting that the Creator of the Universe cares about me enough to lead me moment by moment on the journey He has planned to work for my good!!! Thank you for being part of it!
Oh my goodness; this chapter was so hard for me to read. My eyes teared up with every sentence and as I began to read the story of The Samaritan Woman (Sam) the tears dripped down onto the pages. I have read and heard this story so many times before but this time I was seeing myself so clear and so vividly the tears just started to fall. I am twice divorced and am now in a relationship with a man who won’t commit to marriage although he is committed to me and our relationship. Our relationship is not sexual and we don’t live together because we both love the Lord and want to do what is right but after three years of dating and being a part of each other’s lives and being a part of each other’s families I want so much more but he can not see pass his own dreams and desires. In a way I understand; because of his first failed marriage he now lives with his parents and He has a 17 yr daughter that he shares custody with his ex. His dream: to get her through high school and into college and to secure a home of his own. They are first in his mind and marriage is secondary. Yet I believe God has placed us together for a reason and I also believe God has pre-ordained him to be my husband but in God’s time, not mine. Still, understanding doesn’t help when I come home and put the key in the door at the end of each day finding my house empty, no one to tell about my day, no one to spend time with; He works such long crazy hours; driving more that 150 mile round trip daily that it’s rare that we see each other during the week unless it’s a church. Last night I had a meeting with Pastor and he was there for rehearsal as he is part our music ministry so we saw each other briefly; long enough to get a quick hug and ask if the other was ok. I eat most of my meals alone and go to bed and get up alone. Although my two former marriages failed I love being married much more than I love being single. Not only do I not like being single, I’m also find out how hard it is to take care of a home all by yourself… yard work, things that break in the night. Unfortunately for me twice I married the wrong person and it seems now that I have met the right person he is not that interested in marriage. Some times I get discouraged and want to end the relationship and be free to date some one whose priority is marriage but I love this man so much and the though of him not being a part of my life is more than I even bare to think about. I have never been in a relationship with a man who stilled even wanted me if sex was not part of the equation. Our lives are so intertwined and we are so good for one another that it almost seems like a cruel joke that marriage is not part of the plan. But I remember the promises of God and I know HE promised me the desires of my heart; HE promised me if I trusted and believed that I would received; HE promise me no good thing (man) would be withheld from me and HE promised me that I would reap my harvest if I don’t grow weary of well doing and if I faint not. I know that God’s word will not return to Him void and that His word will prosper where he has sent it. And so I will trust God and wait on him.
Barbara in reading chapter 2 it occurred to me that this part might help you. Page 38 – He cares about every detail of your life. God wants us to come up close and experience Him and all that He has for us. Also, how He invites us to slow down and talk to Him about our day and the desires of our heart and ask Him if what we want is really what we need.
What an awesome God and I thank Him for using Renee to write so eloquently about all that we have when we share our life with Him.
Growing up in church, in a ministry family, we got REALLY good at the “fine” answer. Too good. Even when my father was being emotionally and psychologically abusive, even when we’d spent our live walking on eggshells and blaming ourselves (erroneously) for his outbursts, we were fine. It took me years to be able to open up to others about how I was REALLY feeling, and I’m still struggling with getting my mother to do the same. I’ve spent my life feeling like I was “less than” because of my family’s circumstances, but God is showing me that He is more than enough and I can have victory through Him!
Wow, what a powerful chapter and what a powerful post from Melanie. This study is such a God-ordained appointment for me. I am the poster child for the “I’m fine” exterior. Oldest child, overachiever, perfectionist, and people-pleaser. I have fallen victim to the trap of trying to be someone I am not to impress bosses, co-workers and others, only to be rejected over and over again for not having “the look,” the right status, the right background, etc. I worked hard to meet what I was told was certain standards, only to have the standards change without notice and then be told that I didn’t measure up. God used the experience to bring me to a career that at first seemed to be more directly related to serving Him, and while the work itself is important kingdom work the work environment is pharasaical and judgmental. Again I’m finding that I am rejected for not looking like I should, not behaving in a certain way and for not marching to the boss’ tune without question or comment. This has been most hurtful because it is in a supposedly Christian environment in which the leaders are very publicly “out there” espousing their work for the Lord while treating those of us who work for them as children who are punished when they misbehave and are given onerous rules and regulations to live by. I am a professional with nearly as much experience as the boss but am treated like a child who is only permitted to do what he says is permitted and only in the way that he says is permitted. Any deviation from that is punsihed by firing or threat of firing. Right now i am in limbo, having been told that my inability to work well with others (Actually, my sin of questioning a decision), means that I should be “separated” from the company, yet continuing to work from home and get a salary because their is no one else at the company who can do the work I do as well and has efficiently and for the below-market salary I make. I have been told that they want to retain me as a contractor, but nothing has been presented so far. I have made a proposal which is sitting in an email in box. I am grateful to be able to work from home and actually see my kids and husband, and am delighted to be doing work that serves God’s kingdom, but I am pained by the interpersonal problems that I believe are hampering doing even greater things for the Lord. Renee’s and Melanie’s messages, and some other devotionals I have been reading have reiterated the idea of dying to people pleasing and its bondage and replacing it with pleasing God as my Provider and Source. The interpersonal struggles at my workplaces have created doubts that have prevented me from moving forward, and this study is helping me see that and helping me realize that the facade of perfection that I have lived under most of my life and which the present work situation has demanded (anything remotely negative is punished) is not God’s best for me. I would like to strike out on my own with a law practice that really is devoted to God’s service and especially to helping women from a Christian perspective instead of the prevalent secular perspective, but being the main breadwinner for the family only feeds my doubts. I am actively seeking God’s leading in this manner and pray that I have the courage to answer Him when He calls.
Sorry to drone on, but as I mentioned, this study is really a God appointment for me.
Enjoyed this message. I have also been struggling in this area of my life. I have at times hid behind the mask of I am fine when in reality I wasn’t. This was definitely an on time word for me. I have been faced with a difficult situation of having a pastor step down from a church to take a leave of sabbatical from the church. I know that God is total control but it still doesn’t make it any easier. Please keep me as well as the church in prayer as we go through the hunt of looking for another pastor and that we will vote the right person in for the position. I don’t want to hide behind the mask of I am fine when in reality I am not fine. I am the type of person who doesn’t like to ask for help or that I need to talk to someone and say please pray for me. This study is an eye opener and I want to have more confidence in my life. Please pray for me through as I go through this struggle. Pray that I can find God’s will for my life. Right now I am currently back in college trying to pursue a career as an RN but my I had to appeal my financial aid for the fall 2012 and spring 2013 semesters because they denied me based on some rule that is in place that if you exceed over 150 credit hours you can’t get financial aid and its based on the fact that I had graduated from the same college a few years ago but only 4 classes from the previous degree transferred in to my new degree program, please pray that if its God’s will for me to go this route that my financial aid will be approved. God shall supply all my needs according to his riches and glory. Right now I am working part-time and really need a full time job but having a hard time finding full time work. Please keep me in prayer. I am excited to be apart of this study and can’t wait to see what God is going to do in my life by going through this study.
Father God, please bless Jenny with the financial aid that she needs as she pursues You calling for her to become an RN. Bless her also with full time employment as she awaits the blessings of financial aid. I ask all these things in the name of Your Son, our Savior, Jesus Christ. Amen.
This is so true. I feel that people don’t really want to know if you are not fine, they don’t really want to know how you are!! People like the mask, they like the facade of everything is fine and when you do amdit you are not fine there is something wrong with you. Thanks for this lesson, and helping me to realize that there is nothing wrong with me that people are “fine” everyday who are not.
As I was answering question #4 this morning, I realized what a closed, reserved person I am, or have become as a result of my upbringing. In my family, it was considered weakness to voice your hurts, pain, etc. We were always taught to keep personal things to ourselves. I read this question and realized, I’m not even comfortable sharing my inmost thoughts with God, much less with other people, for fear they would realize that I’m really not fine. I think I come across as having it all together on the outside, at least at this point in my life. I’m still haunted by many mistakes I’ve made in the past, even though I know I’ve been forgiven by God. I also realized during this time of reflection, that most of my healing has come from being open about my past, especially in a confidential setting. Once I’ve opened up and have been able to talk about the past, I’ve come away with more freedom and confidence in Christ..
Kandise, Lori Dean, and Melanie,
Thank you so much for reading, and responding, with great wisdom to my post. Kandise, you are so right in that I haven’t allowed the Holy Spirit to tell me who is safe to trust. I haven’t prayed enough about things in my life, I’m just now, through this study learning that. Lori Dean, it’s good to know someone else has had a similar experience, and now has some good female friends. I also like your advice about being a better listener. I confess I am nervous when the room grows quiet. That comes from the awful silence of my parents not speaking, after my mom found out about my father’s cheating on her, when I was a child (they later divorced), and the tension that brought. I started being the “funny girl” during those silent moments, and then I found that people liked the funny girl so much they didn’t really want to know me, they liked the comedy. When I was quiet they were disappointed, and asked, “Why are you so quiet?”. I have seen recently how this defense mechanism has kept people away, or brought the wrong ones near. Also, as I said in a prior post I have been looking for a friend to “fill me up” as Lysa said in the forward of Renee’s book. It really isn’t fair of me to expect that of someone, and it puts a lot of pressure on people. I really don’t mean to do this, but I hadn’t felt I was loveable by Jesus. I felt I wasn’t doing things right as a Christian, and that when I was doing it well (aka a perfect Christian, which there is no such thing of course) I would be rewarded with Jesus’ love. Just like Renee said about how she felt about Jesus in Ch. 2, due to her relationship with her father. I am only now through the book, so much wisdom on this board, and through my pastors wonderful teachings, finding out, He loves me already, He always has! Our pastor talked about relationships with other Christians and how much God loves us. So it’s all finally sinking in! I’m also constantly trying to be aware of those negative thoughts. Thoughts about not being worthy of his love, and when they come up read God’s promises that I printed out last week. Its really changing my life. I wouldn’t say I am confident in friendships yet, and I still have trust issues, but I am working on me for now. I want to be filled up by God daily, and just allow myself to be changed by his word, his promises. I know once that happens it will be easier for me to open up to others, but with reserve of course, seeking wisdom through the Holy Spirit. Melanie, you are very sweet, thanks for your input as well. I have so much to thank each of you for! God spoke through you to my heart, thank you!
Two points in Melanie’s blog really spoke to me:
“We don’t have it all under control, and I can’t help but think that when we act like we do, we basically tell God that we don’t need him.”
AND
“We aren’t in control… We are held by the hands that control our very heartbeat.”
The first quote is very sad and the second one is mind-blowing when you stop and think about it.
My new chapter in my spiritual journey is about “letting go and letting God.” We talk about this all the time. I even thought I was doing it before but apparently I have a lot to learn. I went through an experience on Sunday that literally felt like I was “free falling” regarding letting go and trusting God. I am wondering if anyone has experience with how to un-break the habit of “control.” Any and all suggestions are welcome :-).
Oh Girl! I know of a book being written right now about this very topic! Do you follow Karen Ehman on her blog or social media places? Sounds like you will LOVE her new book. I can relate to you!!
Thanks for letting me know about this resource and the upcoming book! Karen’s name sounds familiar but not quite sure whom she is. Can’t wait to google her and find out more! I will pray for both of us today to rest in God and LET GO!!!
I was just sharing my struggle of control with my husband tonight. Thank you for your thoughts! I wish I knew the answer, too, but I know the Lord is using this study to reveal the healing I need to trust more & plan less! Because He is going to love me no matter what I may accomplish in a day 🙂
Oh my my- how this certainly hit home… I think when people say how are you- it’s so so fake!!! they say this while walking on by- do they really wanna know???? I dealt with this time & time again I just say “I’m fine” Just so I don’t burden them with really is happening in my life:
I’m a survivor of breast cancer stage III— You know sometimes friends are better than family- I had a friend do a fundraiser for me to help pay my medical bills? My family not once really came to me to ask if I needed anything (I have 3 brothers & 3 sisters- 2 nieces, 3 nephews) My Mom has passed on and my Dad remarried and lives in Lousiana we keep in touch by phone. — You know I was the one who would text everyone after every Chemotherapy treatment & Radiation treatment, to give them my report- if I didn’t I don’t think anyone cared- too busy with their own lives, all the while helping my niece who was pregnant at the time helping her nest & get ready for baby to be born, since her husband who was deployed- and my sister is using Meth and doesn’t keep in touch with us only if she needs money- she’s normally to paranoid that we are talking about her… It’s sad because my sister was my best friend-I have other sisters but they all stay to themselves? I have other nieces & nephews but the rarely contact me? The only time we get together is for the holidays- I cook the entire meal & host Thanksgiving, Christmas & New Years- I always invite my family to come to EASTER services with me & I would agree to treat them to a brunch… no takers… my niece & her husband and 11 mo old baby boy has just left on 4/27/12 deployed to Japan for 3 years- My heart aches so bad because I miss them so much-my sister-(my niece’s mother) tried to make up for lost times all in one day but she was so high on Meth – she hardly made any sense and my niece was afraid of her holding her son- and then when they went to eat lunch my sister fell asleep at the table? It’s so sad – My sister is jealous of me my niece said because I spend more time with her than my sister- and that she calls me Aunty-Grandma, because that’s what I truly am to her- she said I’m more a mother to her than her own my mother my sister. I thought my sister would get cleaned up and sober up when I needed a sister & friend to help me go through my cancer journey- she didn’t, then I thought she would sober & clean up knowing her first grandchild was to be born and she will be a Grandma- but no- she feels she doesn’t have a problem and told me to stop giving her information on Rehab’s because she won’t go until she’s ready. I was laid off early this year because the business went bankrupt no one knows except for my one niece that I found a job and finally have medical? now I can pay some of my medical bills? — Last night at 11:30pm- I awoke to someone yelling and screaming and pounding at my garage- it was my sister gone out of her mind- cussing & screaming on my front lawn? I was beside myself- I also was afraid, I never seen her this way. I yelled to her to go away before I call the police!!! then I dropped to my knees and prayed for her- I asked God to please keep her safe-to help her to realize she needs help- and that I cannot help her anymore, and to please forgive me. I cannot help her if she doesn’t want to help herself… So ladies… the “I’M FINE” I certainly know how to act as if it’s all under control- put on a smile and get through my day…But the real me- the me that God knows…. knows how much I hurt inside… how much I feel like if I were to die everyone and everything would be alright, I know for a fact it would just be another day… I pray to go home to Jesus-this is not were I belong-it’s painful & it hurts but I just keep breathing in and breathing out, keeping my faith, hope and love intact. I’M NOT FINE… but I feel better sharing this with my prayer sisters.
Aloha from Hawaii xoxoxox
Hi Donna,
Your note touched my heart, and I am praying earnestly for you. I can’t even imagine how painful this time is for you, but I care, and God knows your heart. Thank you so much for sharing boldly. I know your transparency will encourage so many to reach out to God with their pain as well.
Prayers and much love,
Melanie
Thank you Melanie you are so kind. I see you responding to a lot of us women. You are my prayer sister. This means so much to me !
Donna,
I want to echo Melanie and say GOD LOVES YOU! I have a messed up, disfunctional family to, you are not alone. It is very painful to know that the people, your family, who are suppose to support you and love you, don’t! I have always wanted to have a family that would love each other and live life together. But unfortunately they are uncapable of doing this with me. But even as hard as this is, I know God Loves Me and He will never leave me or forsake me. I don’t know why our lives have to be to be this way. But I do know that this is very temporary and God is forever. I will be praying for you sister. Please know you are not alone!
Pam
Pam Thank you so much for the encouragement. I am so grateful for your sincere appreciation & understanding. I just keep praying for my family, especially my sister. I’m even learning to pray for myself and all my sisters I’m meeting here.
I have a sister named Donna. But that is not why I am replying. This is: Lord God Almighty, I pray that You will fill Donna with such a strong sense of Your abiding, steadfast presence and love that the imperfect relationships she has with her family take on secondary importance to her relationship with You. also bless her that she becomes a beacon for her family. Fill the empty place in her heart left by her niece, nephew-in-law, and grand-nephew moving so far away that their absence becomes merely a blip on the timeline of her life. Keep them safe and bring them back that there might be a joyous reunion. Bless her sister that she be delivered from her addiction. In the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.
Nancy you are a prayer warrior! I read over and over your prayer. I cannot express how good that made me truly feel. I cried and it felt good to feel loved by a complete stranger… No stranger to me anymore Nancy my sister in Christ. Xoxoxo
Give God the glory Donna. It is the Holy Spirit that prompts me to pray and it is the Holy Spirit that gives me the words to say. I am glad that the words helped and I am tickled to have a new sister. God’s blessings on your day.
Donna: I completely understand and FEEL your pain. Today is “Day 70” for my daughter: She has been clean for 70 days after six years of drug addiction. Such a painful, dark journey. It has been filled with fear. Please find a Nar Anon group or other support group so you can better deal with your pain. I know the heartache you have and I know that you need to seek God first and others who are going through this second. Your sister is right: drug addiction is a disease that only she can arrest. It cannot be cured, but it CAN be arrested. You cannot know if God will heal her, but you CAN know that He will be with you when you pass through the waters and he will not let the river overflow you. (Is 43: 2) Take care of yourself first. Do not cease praying for your sister (I prayed Is 42: 3’s promise for my daughter). Love her like Jesus loves us because her sin is NO DIFFERENT than ours. She is hurting and thinks the drugs will take away her pain. We know that only God can heal her, but until SHE knows that, she will continue. Heavenly Father, thank you for the opportunity to use the pain in my life to love on Donna right now. You comforted me in my affliction just for this very moment, when I can comfort Donna in her affliction (2Cor: 4) and I am so blessed to do so. Please guard her heart and her mind that she can help her sister but not enable. Show her how to walk through the fire and not be burned because You are with her. (Is 43: 2 & 5) Please be mindful of Your promise not to break the bruised reed and heal the hurt in Donna’s sister. (Is 42: 3) Restore their relationship, Lord, and heal the damage that has been done by the addiction. We ask these things in the precious name of Your Son, Jesus Christ, Amen.
I love you Donna, and will keep you and your sister in my prayers.
Carolyn- Thank you for sharing your pain with me, I hope one day I will be able to share a positive change in my sister and our relationship. I just keep praying my sister will be healed on GOD’s time and not hers. Thank you for your kindness and your love and most of all your prayers, this is truly all I have have left to offer. And Thank you for the awesome scriptures with me. God is so Good!
As someone who deals with several chronic health issues–sometimes I find it easier to say “I’m fine” then to deal with the well-meaning but faulty health advice that people come up with. Sometimes too, it is hard for me to discern those who really care from those that just seem to use “how are you” as a greeting.
I anm thankful for this study and am learning a lot from it.
Hi Becky — Thank you so much for your comment! That is a great reminder to my heart that when I ask someone how they are, my part of the conversation is to really LISTEN to what they are saying… not just try to throw out advice 😉
Thank you for this reminder!!!
Love and hugs,
Melanie
Melanie, Thank you for pointing out this reminder! I need to remember that just listening, in and of itself, can be a real gift. I’m trying to think through reasons why that is — because by showing interest and/or compassion, you are conveying to a person that they matter, that what they have to say is important. You can help them to feel understood and thereby more supported/less alone in the world. I think it also helps some people to process their thoughts or response to a situation. It’s one of those nebulous things I’m trying to put my finger on :-).
Perfect Healer, I pray that You will provide Becky with peace and comfort as she deals with her health issues. Bless her that she might be able to find the blessings in those issues and be able to share those blessings with others tot he glory of Your Almighty Name. In the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.
Thank you so much Nancy!
You are very welcome.
I had such bad depression that I ended up in the psych ward for 3 days. I didn’t understand until later why everyone else could handle life but I couldn’t. And how could i be depressed if i was a Christian? I tried to get help from my church but whenever I really told people what was going on, they essentially ran away. After the hospital, I started going to counseling. First for my marriage and then realized that I had abuse issues growing up that I had just stuffed. I also did a bible study that said write down every person that has hurt you and say a verse over it and forgive them. That really sent me reeling.
At church, I felt like I needed to put on a mask and act like everything was fine – even when I felt like crying any second. And when something did make me cry, I would run into the bathroom so no one saw. I felt like people with cancer and having babies were getting so much help but I was not getting any help. It felt like hidden bruises that one could see.
At one praise service, everyone was talking about how much help they had gotten from our church. I felt the total opposite. I got up and spilled my guts about the sexual abuse in my family that also happened the previous generation. It was just too overwhelming.
After that, our church started a recovery ministry. And our church started to change. I went to counseling for the sexual abuse issues until my counselor said I was done. Then I started doing a Conquering Codependency 6 month small group going through a workbook. It was the most healing thing I had ever done. It really transformed my thinking and my life.
It taught me what was healthy and what was not. It taught me how to change my messed up view of God into the truth of who God really is. It showed me the lies I was living under and how to cover them with Gods truths. It taught me about not rescuing people, how to say no, how to feel my feelings, false guilt vs true guilt etc. so many things I didn’t learn growing up.
Anyway, I am now leading my 7th group with women from our church and other hurting women.
I wanted God to just zap me out of depression but instead He wanted me to walk through a healing process with other people that could love me when I really didn’t love myself.
So many things said by all of you remind me of what I have been through. I am still healing but God has used the yucky stuff in my life.
I love Isaiah 61:1-3 Jesus brings beauty for ashes, gladness for mourning, praise for despair. Jesus binds up the brokenhearted, frees the captives, and releases prisoners from darkness.
I am still trying to heal from the sexual abuse stuff that still affects our marriage. So pray for me about that. And my family member still has not admitted to doing anything wrong. The rest of my family thinks I am unloving for bringing any of it up. They want me to pretend like it never happened. So pray for that too…
Merry, thank you for your story!! God has great plans for you, you are more than overcomer by the testimony of your lips! Whatever you do, stay in the word of God! He will heal your broken heart and you will stand before many and declare His goodness in the name of Jesus your Lord!. Isaiah 49:16 See, I have written your name on my hand! Merry you are beautiful and healing is yours because you are a child of God, He watches over His word to perform it in your life! Blessings and peace to you 🙂
Merry,
How I wish I could reach out and HUG you!!! I am praying earnestly for you, and I am so proud of your bravery!!! God is using your life to encourage and share His healing with so many! I know the road you are on is not an easy one, and that Satan will attack you every step to prevent you from sharing His love — but cling to God’s promises, sweet friend! You are His instrument of hope to many!
praying for you!
Melanie
Merry, thank you so much for opening up your heart and sharing your experience and struggles. I too, am a sexual abuse SURVIVOR!!! It has been a long, hard road for me but I find comfort in the arms of my heavenly Father. He has softened my heart and allowed me to forgive the person who hurt me and is also working in Me to help me work through the guilt and shame of it all. I know He is so pleased at the work you are doing, for He takes the bad and turns into good for His glory!! You are an inspiration to me!! May God richly bless you and your ministry. I will be praying for you!!
Julie~
Julie — I am praying for you, sweet friend. What bravery you women have through Christ! I am just amazed at each of you and your testimony of forgiveness and strength. I love what you said “He takes the bad and turns into good for His glory” — YES!!!! Thank you ladies for shining His light!
love to you both!
Melanie
Lord, You know exactly what Merry needs and You have been providing that for her in wondrous and marvelous ways. We give You thanks and honor and praise Lord for Your steadfast love for her and for all who are a part of her life. Thank You for the healing You have already given and the healing that is yet to come. In the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.
I think I always answer that I am fine or had a good weekend, if I can even remember what I did over the weekend on a Monday! Sometimes I think I am numb to my situation with the health of my son over the
last 3 yrs so I always say I’m fine but still trying to get through every new circumstance with his health that comes up. I’ve held back so many tears, I start to cry and I choke them back and don’t know why I am doing that, it sometimes really feels better to cry but now I can’t. I see how God has helped us all through every new circumstance that comes up and that gives me hope to move forward and on to the next dr. or new test or new infusion hoping that something will work. I am not fine but I don’t let myself express that with my sons health but if something else bothers me I may blow up all over that. I am the oldest girl of 6 siblings and I have had to be the responsible one since high school so it is something learned for me and now I have to unlearn how to not be strong and fine and be the one to hold things together and it’s hard to unlearn something and pass the ball to someone else to handle situations. Sometimes I do say fine because I get tired of telling people about why I’m not fine if I care to open up to them, I feel God is the first one I would go to and I think that is another reason I say fine because feel like if I’ve gone to God and told Him how I am doing do I need to express this to anyone else, sometimes it is personal how you feel and I don’t feel like discussing it with anyone else. But I must say I do have a couple of friends and we all are going through tough times and we can sit and talk over lunch and cry and be open with each other and that is good for us to do but its taken me 30 yrs for God to put these people in my life. My brother died Easter Sunday and I was checking out at the grocery store and the cashier said any plans for the weekend and I was going to say no and I thought, no I’m going to tell him my plans and that was that my brother and just died so we now have to clean out where he was living to get it ready to sell and then something happened and someone else took over so that was the end of the conversation and he left and the next one took over and to my surprise, he met me at the door and gave me a bouquet of flowers and said I hope this brightens up your weekend~~~~~that brought tears to my eyes, and to me that is God!
Susan, I am the oldest of three girls. I understand how you feel the need to stay strong and not give in to having a good cry. I lost my dad to lung cancer January 1 of this year. I never have allowed myself time to grieve. I have no words. I know he is with Jesus. I am so confident of that because I was with him when he passed away. I felt a warm, pure, authoritative presence. So why am I not fine??? My husband was diagnosed with cancer in 2009. He has had treatments and surgery and so far is cancer free. Again I wonder… Why all the fear? Why do I not feel fine? …
Jennifer, I am so glad your husband is cancer free now. I think I would have the fear of what if it comes back like with my son and his disease, but I then look back at how God was with us before and He would be with us again if something would happen again. God promised us He would be with us with sending His Holy Spirit so I call on HIm a lot these days to help me here on earth and that is a comfort to me. My brother was so sick toward the end, he was on dialysis and continued to drink and do drugs but prayed to God to help him but he could never quit, God is the final judge. I think also when someone is so sick you go through a shock of some kind, like PTSS and it is hard even though things are ok now to come back to the normal you knew before and try to get use to the new normal of living in the now of the after the storm of the disease and now the calm of no disease and how things have changed for us. I will pray for you and for God to wipe away your fear and replace it with His peace.
Wow, that IS God! I am the oldest too, and I think so many times we are praised for keeping it all “together” and not letting anyone know we are having a hard time. However, that is so much weight for one person to bear.
Praying for you!
Melanie
Thanks Melanie, I sometimes do try to hard to keep it all together but am now letting the other sibs try to keep it all together and I bow out of it. And yes, I can hear people say, I don’t know how you do it and I think, how do I do it, but then I think of how much I have learned to let God take care of things and I stay out of it and let things go HIs way and not mine, but I have a lot of way to go there too. Thanks for the prayers~~~Sue
I’m not sure if it’s a woman thing, or a mother thing, or what it is, but I feel like we were all brought up to say “fine” and not ‘burden’ others with our problems. This post really hit home and I am so glad that you shared it. It’s definitely a great reminder.
I’m so happy to hear that!! 🙂 Thank you for your comment!