How hard is it for you to let people know how you’re doing? I mean how you’re really doing.
From reading your thoughts in the comments on Monday’s post, I think we can all realize it’s hard for most of us to keep our guard up and shy away from lettings others in – especially when we need their help, prayers or encouragement.
As I shared in Chapter 2, “Sometimes I think we tell people we’re fine even when we’re not, because we want to be. Or we hope that by saying we are fine, eventually we will be. Other times we act like we’re fine because others expect us to be. And I love how so many of you admitted you also have days when hormones or grumpy-ness trump all good manners and anyone within ten feet knows you are not fine. In fact, what you really meant in code is that you are Frazzled, Irritated, Neurotic, and Exhausted!”
Today, I want you to meet and hear from my friend, Melanie from Only a Breath. She’s the one who created our really cute Online Study blog button (see my sidebar if you want one)! In it she challenges us to take off the “I’m Fine” mask and be real with God, each other and especially ourselves about how we’re really doing.
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… She walks the hallway, fighting back tears that threaten to well up again. It’s been a long night, filled with betrayal and disappointment. Her future is uncertain. Back at the office, she tries to maintain normalcy. When eyes met, she is faced with another routine, “How are you?”
“I’m fine”, she answers, with a plastic smile that hides her pain.
… Across town, a young father shakes hands with the fourth interviewer that month. “Thank you for your time.”he says. On the way home, his wife calls to see if there’ s any hope for the job they’ve been praying for…for so long. They have mouths to feed, children to raise, a car on its last miles… “It will be fine”, he assures her. As he hangs up, he hangs his head in despair.
… A young, single mom cuddles her baby on the park bench. She holds her boy close, surrounded by happy couples with smiling children. She never expected to raise her child alone. The pain is sometimes too much to bear. Will she ever feel that she belongs? That she is wanted? Loved? Beautiful?
“We will be fine she whispers into his soft ear, surrounded by whisps of fine, brown hair.
“I’m fine…”
“We’re fine…”
“Doing great…”
In Chapter 2, Renee invites us to take off the “I’m fine” mask. But she also acknowledges just how scary it is to expose the pain that keeps us up, haunts us like nightmares, and threatens each breath of hope.
… but we’re fine.
Or are we?
Could we take off the mask that we, especially as Christians, live the “fairy tale”? We are certainly blessed, in every circumstance guarded by the Father, but honestly, in the deepest parts, we aren’t fine.
I’m not fine.
If I took off the “I’m fine” mask, would you think less of me, or would you think I’m … human?
We don’t have it all under control, and I can’t help but think that when we act like we do, we basically tell God that we don’t need him.
We’ve got this.
By pretending we’re “fine” we tell others something must be wrong with them if they are hurting… because we certainly are not hurting.
We’re fine.
What if we let someone else in? What if we said, “I’m hurting, and the details aren’t important, but would you please pray for me? I would really appreciate that.” Could that help them, in return, reach out to someone else when they are hurting?
Do we need to grant one another permission to not be fine?
Could we come broken before the Father, and cry out for His mercy and strength? He did promise to never leave us or forsake us. Even when we don’t feel it, could we still cling to His promise and claim it?
He knows we’re not fine.
Could the trials be the very thing that break the strings holding on our mask, allowing it to fall to the ground so we cling to Him a little tighter?
The truth is…
We aren’t fine… We are forgiven.
We aren’t in control… We are held by the hands that control our very heartbeat.
We aren’t invincible… We are made to look to the only One who can heal the broken.
As a sisterhood of hearts seeking our confidence in HIM, let’s take off our masks today. At least here with each other. And maybe with just one other person we meet this week. I have a feeling someone needs to see the battle wounds and scars we carry in order for them to stop pretending and seek His help too.
And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9
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Thank you so much Melanie, for reminding me and all of us again today that God’s grace is sufficient. God’s grace can be my sufficient… if I let it be.
Today’s Assignment:
- Continue or finish reading chapter 2 and answer end of chapter questions. Then come back and share with us what God is showing you about how His perfect love changes everything – especially the pressure to be it all, do it all and know it all – all at the same time.
Connect in Community:
- Please “Share Your Thoughts” below this post. Just click those words and do just that. (Remember if you are reading this in an email, click on the title “I’m Fine…really” at the top of the post to visit my website and connect with our ACH community! (This is such a valuable part of this study. My favorite part!!)
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I love chapter 3. Thank You Father. I will memorize the verse of the week. I will text it to my boys everyday.
I’m not fine but I quit telling people the truth because no one wants to know. They drop you as a friend like a hot potato. I am shedding so many tears lately, stressed and to point of breaking. I have served God since I was 8 and I’m 62. But when I almost lost my husband two weeks ago my life turned upside down. When I tell people I am stressed, I am accused of fear. Well it is fearful when your husband goes to hospital because his heart rate is 179. They give him meds to bring it down and drop his blood pressure to 40. You spend two days wondering if you will ever walk out of the hospital with your husband again. Then day before yesterday I should have taken him to hospital again by ambulance but I’m afraid they’ll kill him. His heart rate was soaring again. He knows it needs checked immediately or he could die. He works nights until the end of the month then he retires. I just wonder why God could not have held all this off until then when we could have taken him to a different hospital. Also so his pay and being able to pay our bills would not be threatened. I have yelled at God = why? why? why?
This morning I did not hear him come in from work. I looked outside and could not see him feeding cats and dogs. I went running to van but he wasn’t in it. Then I turned and saw him watering our garden. I am beside myself. I do not want him out of my sight.
Yesterday my daughter called needing me to watch grandchildren while she rushed my son-in-law to ER. So I made my husband go with me as I did not want him home and me there. Thank God my son-in-law ended up not going to ER. But it is a nightmare that won’t end.
I know there are more times than not that I am hurting, but I don’t like to think deeply about it too much for fear of it getting worse instead of better. I will like to open up and be friends with more women, but I let my insecurities get in the way. I have to admit that I have a lot of maturing to do when it comes to having God-confidence. Your devotions and online bible study gives me hope, I am so thankful to be able to be a part of it.
My own confidence—-am I even capable of having true confidence in myself? I just do not know.
I can relate to so many of these posts. I would have to say that I am not feeling FINE today, anything but fine actually. Just have had a rough couple of days with my husband and am feeling disheartened. I do have a group of girls at my church who I am close to, but I sometimes feel as if I’m even burdening them with my problems. Or maybe my problems seem smaller than theirs. So instead I’m venting here today. I think I can relate to Renee’s house. Sounds weird, but from a distance I may seem fine, but if you look a little closer, I am not. I try to keep up the facade, but it’s a lot of work. Or I just try to move stuff around to make it look fine. It’s hard for me to let people know that I am not fine. I think that they don’t really want to hear it. I can also relate to her relationship with her father. My parents divorced when I was three. My mom remarried when I was five. I have spent my entire life trying to either get my biological dad to love me or my step dad to be proud of me. It is so comforting to me now as I re-read the words from Renee’s book, that God is there for me. He is pursuing me. He wants to know me. I don’t need to try to impress him or earn his love. I don’t have to pretend with him. He knows my thoughts and is not critical of me. I can stop trying to be so busy all of the time and slow down and show Him the desires of my heart. I am so thankful that God is there even when it seems like I’m alone.
Something that struck me on my third time through the chapter was this statement: “He knows that our problems won’t be solved and our confidence won’t be found through simply getting more stuff done.” This lie has taken root in my spirit during past years… as a woman who has struggled with a twisted perfectionism as a way to earn love, I have at the same time never been a “good housekeeper.” I assume my husband is unhappy when he gets home, and I tell myself he would love me more if I could just accomplish more during the day. Then, on the days when I feel accomplished at the end of it if he doesn’t recognize it, I am crushed. My confidence does not (should not) come from the way my home looks, or my husband’s appreciation, or “getting more stuff done.” This is a very specific area of struggle for me among the larger issues, and I think I have to be careful not to swing too much towards saying “It doesn’t matter, God loves me” and not putting forth effort to serve my husband. But my confidence should not be wrapped up in my productivity.
I think removing the “I’m fine mask” will come gradually and may not even be possible with everyone we meet. For instance today at church my co-teacher said “How are you?” and I told her I was diagnosed with shingles down the side of my head, it’s covered by my hair so no one would know if I didn’t say anything.
I told her I could use some prayers because there are some complications that can arise when these appear on your scalp but luckily I got to the Doctor early so I am on treatment, although there is no cure.
So, she looks at me and says “So you’re not fine?”
Later in the day I ran into another friend and again was asked “How are you?” But I couldn’t even respond because she launched into a rather loud conversation until people from both lines at the store had turned to look in our direction, and of course I wasn’t going to tell her about my condition at that point. Another church lady so I would have liked to ask for prayers but I didn’t want it broadcast througout the store.
So, slowly, very slowly I’m beginning to remove the mask and the responses have been interesting!
I totally agree that we have to me led about unveiling things about ourselves to just anyone. I like to think of relationships using the tabernacle analogy. We have relationships that fall into the outer court, inner court, or Holy of Holies, with the Holy of Holies being our most intimate level. There are things that I will share with the people in my intimate group that I would probably gloss over or never mention to those in the outer court. I believe God will enable us to discern when we need to share and when we need to stay silent.
As others have said, I have developed a great “fine” mask. I wear it well and rarely take it off. I’ve realized more and more lately though that if we were all to take off our masks to each other, we would know we are not alone in what we are going through, that we our struggles are normal and that we don’t have to be fine because we have the support of God and our family and friends.
I love the online community here and reading what you all are going through and how you support each other. Thank you for being real ladies.
I just finished Lysa “More than just a good Bible Study girl” last night and I am back for a second go round with Confident Heart. I didn’t get it last time…as I am still feeling self doubt. I found this youtube this morning after a strange little leading by the Holy Spirit. The truth of the matter is I don’t want to be out doing, I want to be here sitting at the Lord’s feet. My task: Taking “sitting at the Lord’s feet” on the road with me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&feature=endscreen&v=9P1i7trQDbs
Any ideas?
The other night in church, our pastor preached on God’s heart for women. He said something that really struck me. He said that being emotional is Godly. All throughout the gospel, Jesus shows emotion. He wept when Lazarus died and got angry in the market place. He didn’t say “I’m fine.” For a long time, I’ve believed the lie that showing emotion or crying or saying anything other than “I’m fine” was a sign of weakness. This is far from the truth. When we tell people we’re not fine and show emotion, we’re actually being more like Jesus. Jesus catches our vulnerability and holds it close to His heart. He loves it when we’re open with Him and raw with our emotions.
This thought warms my heart more than anything.
I love it. Thank you for sharing your pastor’s words with the rest of us! How encouraging!
FINE…Yeah, I think I say it most often because I so badly want to be fine, and if I compare myself to others who have more hurts and challenges than I do I convince myself that I really am fine. I avoid feeling pain, mostly because I don’t like it. Who does?
But KNOWING God loves me for who I am, not for what I do is truly amazing. Renee says something about letting the grace we know in our head sink down into our heart. Thank God, that’s what He’s been doing with me lately. Having taken many of my “doing” away temporarily, He has shown me myself – not a beautiful sight to see, honestly, but THEN, then He has LOVED me and whispered in my ear how He has always known my pride and still loved me and used me in spite of it.
AMAZING GRACE! Oh, Jesus, I love you too. For we love, ladies, only as much as we know we are loved and have been forgiven! I thank God for showing me the extent of my insecurities and pride, because through it all I have found more of His love.
This week I paid attention to the number of times I said Fine and it’s a lot.
I have always put up a mask to hide my emotions or feelings to everyone in my family. I am the oldest and when my parents divorced I stopped with all emotion and decided I had to be strong for everyone else at the age of 12. I always hid my emotions and in doing so that has caused great anxiety and worry for me inside. And now as a mother of two I often feel that I must do that even more for fear that I will be seen as weak or not in control. But I truly believe that through this study the Lord will help me change those thoughts and feelings of being Fine all the time. I want to throw away the masks and learn to seek God through those fine times!!
I am so very grateful for this bible study; I cried all the way through chapter 3 last nite and then I said the closing prayer and my Father rocked me to sleep. Such a wonderful release and sweet peace.
I saw this on Pinterest and just knew I had to post it. It is a “saying” all about “Fine” http://things-i-tell-myself.tumblr.com/post/14273140578, and so true so much of the time. Fine has become just a nice way of answering, “How are you doing?”. I don’t even think about it anymore. It’s an automatic response. I used to tell people, friends, how I really was, and after being betrayed so many times, now it’s always, with anyone, except family, “fine”. I didn’t think I had a problem when I first commented on this chapter, as I always used to tell people how I felt. However, “used to” is the problem. I didn’t want to admit that I had closed up, shut down, and built up walls. I didn’t want to admit that like Sam, I too went and got my water when I knew others wouldn’t be around, had shut myself off from others. I am always “fine” now. I am learning though through the advice on here I have gotten from many, the things I did wrong before in friendships, that I trusted others too much, too fast. I didn’t listen to The Holy Spirit, and pray about friendships before going deeper with my friendships. Oh so many things. Other things I couldn’t have controlled, but I can’t close myself off. God didn’t create me to be without friends, and if I pray about it, in His time will place them in my life. Through this book I am also learning that God’s promises are not only true, but each is a love letter to me! I am starting to feel the word of God in my heart, and not just hear it in my head. I am looking to Him now to “fill me up”, not friends. I still don’t trust easily, and it’s my first instinct not to, but I am praying about that, and learning so much here and in Renee’s book.
Kyrie: God’s promises are love letters! I like this thought!
I’m grateful for this bible study. I love how this special community encourages and prays for one another.
I was impressed by thought ‘We don’t have it all under control, and I can’t help but think that when we act like we do, we basically tell God that we don’t need him.”
I signed up for this study because i feel insecure and not confident alot. I’m a talker and i tend to try to talk to become less anxous and more confident.
I read this chapter and know that God is calling me to learn that he is more than enough and to depend on him to give me a sense of worth. I talked what I was feeling to a wise lady at church. It lined up with what God is drawing me to,
Renee shared what is going on with her daughter. I can totally relate to that because I was diagnosed with a hearing loss at age 6 and my hearing loss is now severe to profound. I always and still do feel that I’m different. I spent alot of time as a child in doctor’s offices.
An early memory from when I was around 4 or 5. I had fallen and my parents took me to the ER. my parents told me that the medical staff came out and told them “She kept saying I’m going to be okay and she was trying to ressure us”.
Man,, I had a horrible week, truly heart wrenching horrible, and this spoke volumes to me, screamed volumes to me. GOD is so very present in this study , so present. I have created a beautiful stunning marvelous “I’M FINE” mask, I worked on it for over 20 year, maintaining it, and adding trinkets in my mind to it. Please friends pray for me, for courage to admit that I am not fine, I am so exhausted from trying to maintain this persona of fineness. I cry out to GOD, I want GOD to be my all in all, I want HIM to allow me to crumble, to fail, to fall, and to remove this mask. I need your prayers, I need HIS presence, I need the Spirit to fill me with courage. Blessing to you all sweet sisters!
Leslie:
God is indeed present for me also. May I pray for you?
Holy and Gracious God, please be with Leslie. Let her know that you hear her cries. Fill her with confidence to remove her “I’m Fine Mask” to just the right person. Let her be aware of your close presence, and to feel your love. Amen.
Leslie S, I hear you, sorry you had a horrible week, I pray next week is better for you. I like your picture of adding to the mask of being fine, I think over my years I have done that and not known I was doing it. We get into remote mode and just go day to day not realizing we are trying to do it all on our own till we fall and need the help of God to get us back on the right track again, HIs track. Take your exhaustion to God and drop it at His feet, the feet of the cross and He will help you remove your mask and move on out of your exhaustion~~~~~~~Love Sue
Loving, heavenly Father, I ask Your blessings upon Leslie. Please lead her beside the still waters and restore her soul. Give her the courage it takes to rid herself of the mask, to stop the habit of pretending that every thing is ‘fine’ when it is not, and to fill her with Your peace that surpasses all human understanding so that it is a balm for her woundedness. Pour Your grace and mercy into her until she is full to overflowing even as You do the same for all of us here. In the name of Jesus Christ I pray. Amen.
Amen, what a beautiful prayer Nancy
I grew up with a Catholic background, Catholic school in the 60’s and HIgh School too, so my early perception of God has that background. I have grown a lot since then and God has put different people in my life to open my eyes to different things. I now see Christ and God and the Holy Spirit differently now than when I was younger and I thank God for sending people into my life to do that. It is hard to change what you have learned when you were younger so it takes time and endurance and hard work learning the word of God and truly knowing what He has said and finding His plum line to live by.
I like the visual of finding God’s plumb line!!! Thanks!
This chapter has brought so many thoughts and feelings to the surface. With everything in me I want to bury the thoughts and not deal with them. My life is busy- crazy busy and would rather not think or deal with some of the painful memories and thoughts that have surfaced. And yet I know that God wants me to deal!! Deal with emotions, painful memories, lies believed, and cover them with God’s truth!
I am curious to know if anyone else’s first memories of God are of a judgemental, angry God, waitig for us to fail and keeping records of those failures. If so, have you fully overcome (and how) or what are you doing to overcome?
Carolyn,
This is a common perception of God because throughout the old testament God judges and punnishes sin. In the new testament we are told that our sin deserves God’s wrath. Romans 1:18 says “the wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the godlessness and wickedness of men.” And of course the Israelites were punnished for their sins,so that is the example set before us. BUT, follow this by Romans 5:1 “Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have PEACE with GOD through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand.” One of my favorite hymns is We Stand in Grace. I know I deserve God’s wrath but with Christ I stand in Grace. God doesn’t desire to punnish us, He desires that we know him and through knowing him, accept his gift of grace. “Love keeps no record of wrongs.” 1Corinthians 13:5. There are many more verses for Love in the bible then there are for wrath, perhaps a study of those verses would help you.
Hi Carolyn,
Your list of memories of God is one I grew up with and also had the extra one added that when something bad happens to us, it is God punishing us because we’ve sinned. To this day my mother still tells me this [I’m 53] and it hurts. My husband divorced me because he found someone else [after 29 yrs and four lovely adult children]. This I have given to God to deal with but I still get those feelings of being worthless and my mother’s words come back to me. I have to ‘take every thought captive’ to get past those feelings. I have found a great church where God’s love, grace and mercy are proclaimed. I am overcoming these memories by reading the Bible and finding out what it really says not what my mom and others tell me. Being involved in this study group also supports the promises of God, that He forgives us, loves us and wants a relationship with us. I am also struggling with ‘being fine’ in everyone’s eyes. Many do not know that I’m divorced because I feel such shame about it, talk about wearing a mask. I am working on this daily with God.
So, Carolyn, after my rant, all I can say is it is an ongoing job of reprograming your thoughts, replacing the faulty memories with the true ones, and trusting God with all that your are and all that you will be in the plans He has for you. God is loving, caring, forgiving, and healing, He is also going to judge the world but we have His saving grace through our Saviour Jesus, trust Him.
Thanks to you each for your encouragement and thoughts. My background is similar to yours, Susan. I often feel like I’ve conquered the wrong thinking, “taking every thought captive”, and then, BOOM – they’re back when I least expect them. I guess Satan has had alot more years at perfecting his lies and deceits than I have at hearing the Truth through the Word. Lynn: Thanks for Romans 5:1 – I’ll meditate on that. I appreciate the reminder, Gloria, to seek what the bible says so I can replace the “faulty” thoughts with truth. I’m so excited to be part of this and hear everyone’s thoughts. Thanks again, sisters!!! <3
This chapter hits home for me, It is common for me to say find, But I am learning to say hanging in there, or that I have had better days but that it could be worst, so I am thankful for the lessons given to me for in which I learn more about Gods love for me. This in turn does open a door for someone to ask and gives me the opportunity for me to open up if I fell confident in there love, support and that it will NOT be shared with everyone! Gossip is a rumor and when it leaves ones mouth, you never know what will said from that time on. So it is HARD for me to honestly open up due to the hurts in my life. I choose to talk with God personally and to journal. I continue to strive daily to not say “fine.” for I have learned this is a false statement, but I also have ask for an ear that hears fine, will try to ask if you need a listening ear, I am here. I love learning that God is there for me everywhere, that he loves me for who I am, that He does not judge me or keep track of my flaws and that all I need to do is seek Him for comfort, guidance, love and for forgiveness. God Bless to all my sister in Christ…
I’m not fine! Been with my company since ’96 and I’m feeling lost amidst some major transitions going on this year. I recognize this week how much I yearn to belong. I’m not fine!
Am I FINE? No I am not. Feelings Inside Not Expressed so defines me. For years I have lived like this and I so can identify with parts of Sam’s story that is rejection and not feeling worthy. There are some beautiful truths that you revealed Renee. Truths that I do not have to be perfect because God is, God wants to meet me right where I am, He choose to give me His love because I am worth it etc. I need to let these truths move from my head to my heart so that I can revel in His love and grace. My soul wants to end its journey of tripping and start living uncaged and free. I so want to be free of insecurity.
Thank you God for choosing Renee to speak for you to the people. Thanks Renee for honoring God’s call on your life to speak to the people by writing the book and hosting the study. Thank you for making the book free so that I could get a copy. I am reading it you and the other sisters on Kindle for PC app, Please offer up prayers for me, I need it.
Thank you for all of this! I want to understand why I have always been insecure. I still don’t understand…but I love the scripture and hope I can start feeling worthy. I wish people liked me and wanted to spend time with me
All my life i have been “fine” or “okay”. Growing up, I learned that big girls don’t cry and that me being “fine” was important to the emotional well-being of my family. I somehow believed that their life actually depended on me being “fine”. Now that i’m an adult, I’m still always “fine”. When I respond to emails, I find myself deleting and retyping the response to the question ‘how are you?” to make sure that I don’t come across as negative. I feel guilty for saying I’m hanging in there, when to be truly honest, I really am barely hanging on to my sanity. In the times I have not been “fine” I get mixed responses, some are so shocked they don’t know how to respond to my thoughts, others brand me as being negative, and some Christian friends make it seem as if it’s wrong for voicing my true feelings, instead of claiming, declaring, and preaching the word. I hide my feelings so often, that there are times when I can’t even identify my feelings, I’m just left feeling confused. I’m currently working on writing in my journal more because writing forces me to process my feelings, and that way both God and I know the truth.
SNP I share some of your feelings about being fine. I am sorry that others make you feel confused and wrong for sharing. Journaling I think would be a great release for you to be able to get those feelings out and on paper. I think God loves it when we share with Him our innermost feelings because he longs to be close to us. He is the great healer. Prayers for you and your journaling process!
Loving Father, I ask that You bless SNP. Pour Your peace which surpasses all human understanding into her heart so deep that nothing and no one can remove it from her. Help her to accept those things and people she cannot change and to remember as those people are saying things to her that are not helpful that You are there and You will always provide for her what she needs and therefore she need not concern herself with what others say. May her involvement here bring to her the wisdom to learn how to ignore what needs to be ignored, listen to what needs to be heard, and accept Your steadfast love always. In the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.
“We aren’t fine… We are forgiven.
We aren’t in control… We are held by the hands that control our very heartbeat.
We aren’t invincible… We are made to look to the only One who can heal the broken.”
Love this! Thank you so much for sharing!
In the last 4 years I have Lost My husband and the Love of my life to Divorce, My father died shortly there after of cancer, my daughter has decided she is atheist and my son is in prison. I still say I’m fine when what i want to do is SCREAM HOW DO YOU THINK I AM????? But I remember that I am the child of a KING and he has gotten me this far and He will carry me through till the day of Christ. Did I loose my confidence in all this and do I doubt YOU BET I DO. But with these first 2 chapters I’m hearing and learning that it’s okay to say Not really I’m hurting but I say it to the one who already knows and is and has been healing those hurts and the pain and loneliness I feel, GOD my heavenly Father has given me friends that no longer ask but say I know things will get better and I’m here if you need me and I’m praying for you. I praise GOd for all that He has done and will do through these circumstances. Because of this I know that when I am on the moutain top I am so thankful but I am just as thankful for the valleys because without them I would never appreciate the mountian top. He is and has given me the confidence to carry on until the day of our Saviours coming. Thank you Renee for this study once again to contiue to help me grow in my confidence and to stop the doubting I trust God with it all. I’m praying for all my sisters in Christ and this study Praise be to Our Almighty heavenly Father
This is where I want to be: “depending on His Word with my whole heart, mind, and soul.” I want to know Him better each day. I know I have nothing to offer Jesus and that all my works fail in comparison to his righteousness. But I also know that all He wants from me…is me.
I also love the realization/reminder that Jesus wants to help me see what is going on in my heart, because often I can’t even pinpoint what exactly I’m struggling with. It’s at those times that I am overwhelmed by what should be counted as my blessings, and this is also when I realize that even though I may not feel fine…I will be when I give myself to Him. Whenever I take time to read His Word and pray, my feelings realign to His Truth. Sisters, there’s no sweeter peace than what we have in Jesus!
God bless you all this weekend! We are taking our 11 year old to Agape, a Christian music festival, for his very first time. It should be great!
Rhonda, have a great family weekend!
I’m studying the book of Hebrew, and this verse (Heb. 10:14) stood out for me and has helped me to accept and not judge myself. “He has made perfect those who are being made holy”. Jesus has already made us perfect for when we will be in heaven, while helping us now to become holy. This is a process and it means God knows we are still “unholy” (so why am I shocked when I struggle with sin or unpleasant attitudes?). It gives me hope that God is at work in my situation to make me holy. It is okay if I’m not perfect, He knows it and is at work in me.
I am not fine. I will be the first to admit it. I signed up to do this study and then hesitated getting started. Now that I have, I wish I’d gotten a paper copy of your book Renee instead of downloading it on my Kindle because it would be highlighted ALL over! I’m going through a very dark time right now, and trying to maintain the smile on my face so no one is the wiser, but it’s exhausting. My whole life I’ve put up a wall and now, with the help of an awesome Godly counselor, I’m trying to tear it down. I don’t trust people and though I’ve been a ‘Christian’ my whole life, I don’t think I’ve allowed myself to fully trust Him either. This study is so timely for me. Thank you Renee for letting God use you, this is one heart that will not be the same after doing this study.
“God’s love is perfect, so I don’t have to be.” I am really trying to get this into my head and heart.
This chapter spoke volumes to me. As noted on page 42, you felt God’s approval when good things were happening in your life, and if life was hard and you were lonely, you wondered what you had done wrong, and felt as if God was turning His back on you.
Why do we think that way?
While I am not a perfectionist, I find myself battling a harsh and skewed divine retribution theology held by others, and judged accordingly when “bad” things happen, or when life is hard. Such a insidious mindset to fight. For example, when an extremely, extremely old, near archaic car broke down, I was questioned if I was tithing. I do tithe, and above 10%. Needless to say, I was deeply grieved and wounded by the intimation that this “bad” happened to me because of my possible sin (lack of perfection).
Disciplined, not accepted, not approved of, not good enough unless I am perfect. Impossible.
Sometimes, R, I feel the same way, I am also trying to get this into my head that I don’t need to be perfect, all my ducks don’t need to be in a row. Sometimes I have it in my head but I need to get it into my heart, the heart God is looking at.
This definetely relates to the women in my life. It’s like we think we have to hide behind that I’m fine mask because we will show some kind of weakness if we show how we are really doing. My thing is since I was a kid there has always been one thing after another, literally , so I feel like when someone asks how I am I just say “I’m fine” because I’m sure people get tired of hearing I’m not fine and now this is what’s happening. I don’t want to be a complainer. I want to learn to praise God in the tough times so I don’t want people to think I’m just dramatic or a worrier.
Melody,
Oh boy you hit home for me! I can so relate to where you are coming from because that’s how I feel. For the past 7 years our life (my families as well) has been one thing after another and so much so that I began to think that I was deserving all that was happening and began moving away from God. I kept going to church, going through the motions when I was there but I wasn’t reading the Word, doing devotions, spending time with God, etc. I kept thinking he didn’t love me enough to help us…..
Things started to turn around for me in August of 2011 when everything came to a head at a Church Leadership Meeting, no less. I was given the opportunity express how I felt about something and eveything came out….I have since gone back to the basics ( that’s what I like to call it) plus that’s what felt the Lord telling me to do. I went back to being devoted to getting up early in the morning and praying, reading, I started journaling some, and asked God to heal me…..by the mercy and grace of God I’ve come along ways since that day in August but I still have a long way to go. That’s why when I saw the opportunity to do this online Bible Study I couldn’t pass it up.
I will be praying for you! 🙂
I’m FINE. I’m FINE. how i say that word when I know, I’m really not FINE. My therapist in college shared the FINE acroynm with me one session. I was lost for words. How could a four letter word be so powerful yet reflect how within I was being bombarded with pain, hurt, anger and frustration. I thank God for Renee and her surrounding community of believers who share their stories on this website that touch so many women’s lives. Today I’m blessed to say, its time to take off the mask and get real. I love you so much GOD. I hope all of you have a blessed day.
I am learning that as I continue to walk in the understanding of my Father’s amazing love for me, it really can and does have the power to change me… This chapter has helped me GREATLY in a recent situation involving my family of origin. Those relationships are SO not what I wish they were…there is SO much rejection and hurt and judgement that has been woven into those relationships over a long period of time..and even now as an adult, with a Godly husband and 3 children who are walking with Jesus, I again find myself tossed around by emotions that would threaten to “steal my peace.” BUT, I see that when I feel hurt, pain, rejection etc–those are the exact moments to “go deep” with Jesus. Let HIM show me WHY I’m hurting…and I believe that WHATEVER need that I expected/wanted a relationship to meet–my Jesus can meet better…I only have to turn to HIM and ask him/allow Him to do so…when I do that–allow Jesus to meet the need that I expected another to meet–then I am free to love and give of myself and not get hurt…not feel rejected…not go with needs unmet…I can love without expectations of something in return…and THIS is how I need to love my family…without expectations…JESUS will meet my needs with his amazing love and grace…Thank you Jesus, for how YOU LOVE ME!
After reading Chapter 2…my self evaluation is this: I find it hard to be “real” with God because my “real” doesn’t look very much like Christ. Consequently, I see myself as a disappointment to God and too imperfect to be in His presence, too imperfect for Him to be interested in me or to hear my cries. I only “feel” worthy to be heard when I am “thanksgiving” or “praising”. So, now, knowing that Jesus desires to give me “a safe place” to be transparent, and knowing that God’s desire is to know and be known………………that opens up a whole new dimension! 🙂
Wow, I love seeing how God is showing you HIS heart as He really is. Jesus is the exact representation of God’s heart towards you LaDena – you are accepted, loved, pursued, forgiven and you belong – just like He said and showed to Sam. Praying for you as you soak in these new life-giving truths!!
Your response hit the nail on the head for me. I’m always afraid that I’m not focusing on praising and being thankful enough. It’s nice to know that Jesus met Sam at the well – right where she was. I’m a perfectionist at everything and it has paralyzed me. Knowing that God will meet me in that paralysis is comforting.
Renee Thanks for this study! I a lot of times say I’m fine when I’m not, only because, I’m sure people do n’t want to know, and, I’ve been accused by loved ones like my own mother, that I am too oversensitive, after, hearing about this chapter, and reading all the comments, and realizing how everyone encouarages everyone so much, and everyone gives everyone such good ideas, It makes me feel so much better. i’m feeling more honest and more confident, and it’s so good to know there are a lot of women out there who feel like I do. Also, as I’m reading the comments, I also sense God speak to my heart too what a great study! Thank you Renee for all that you do! Thank you!
I have taken to I’m not fine now, but I will be. I know that whatever I am going through is temporary, it came to pass–not to stay but to pass (with a hat tip to Mark Lowry for that). Some temporaries are longer than others (like how my husband has been un and underemployed since October 2009 despite earnest prayers) and some temporaries hurt more than others which is when the tears come and I cry out more to God. Some temporaries are emotional and usually clear eventually and some temporaries are physical and will be with me until I get to heaven (and thus are temporary since once I am there, they will be gone).
Hugs to everyone of the Pretty Princesses who are a part of this study. May God fill your days with confident hearts and grace that overflows onto those with whom you come in contact.
If you have not done the spiritual assessment, I suggest you take the time to do it! I am quite suprised with how I came out. I am enjoying this study soooo much, glad to be a part of it! I saw Renee speak last weekend and she was amazing! Keep up the good work and ladies, keep up the encouragement!
Angela- Thanks for the advice of the spiritual assessment. I was very suprise how I cam out. It was very enlightening especially looking where Gods will is for me right now. Thank you so much.
Did I miss something? Was there a spiritual assessment someplace? I would love to take this!! Can you all direct me to where it is, please? Thank you so much! : )
Anna,
I looked it up on Renee’s website if you have an e-mail I can pass it along. I felt called to do it at this time in my life.
Shannon – thanks so much! I think I found it – under free resources! lol – silly me!! I should have thought to check there! I can’t wait to do it!
This entire second chapter has positively impacted my life more than I could have ever foreseen. I have been pursuing a dream for several years, now, and it seems that with each advancement I make many of those closest to me become a little more indifferent towards me. Some even ramp up their nasty, and cutting remarks to me. This has left me hurt, confused, doubtful about whether I should continue the pursuit of my dream, and at times less than confident in that pursuit. At times I’ve felt all alone, and without any support system. After reading chapter 2 I realize that God is with me, and I am not alone. I realize that God is the one I can turn to when fears, doubts, and hurts assail me. I also realize that He has placed people in my life who are supportive of me and that I need to nurture those relationships more. In short, I’ve had an epiphany as a result of reading chapter 2. Thank you, Renee Swope for answering God’s call to write this book, and launch this ministry!
Several years back when I lived in a different city I would visit the grocery store and there was a gentleman behind the fish counter that would ask “How are you today?” I would answer “Fine, How are you?”
And you know what his answer was?
Well the first week, he answered “Fantastic”. Which was a nice surprise.
The second week he answered “Terrrrrific”!
The third week he replied “Super!”
Now, I dont’ know if he was fantastic, terrific or super but his response really made my response of just “Fine”, pale in comparision.
And this guys response really stuck with me for years in fact, since I’m sharing it now.
But his response made me want what he had.
And I think what he had was Jesus in his heart!
I love it! A friend of ours always answers with “outstanding” and it makes me smile every time!
That is cool, years ago I went to a conference given by Kieth Harrell, and he taught us to always respond with “FANTASTIC.” And that if we found a difficult situation to say, EXCUSE ME, then, STOMP OUT (almost like marching) to let out our frustration and that this will release the emotion so that we can go on. This was awesome, not only does it lift my spirits, it helps me stay focused on my blessing, no matter what comes my way. At the same time, I can not even begin to wonder what some are thinking, but to me that does not matter, what matters is what the Lord thinks. God Bless
I know I’m guilty of saying “I’m fine”, while thinking – “I’m not fine, but honestly it’s none of your business.” I don’t really want to share all my troubles…I don’t want everyone knowing my marriage troubles or my personal struggles. Not because I want to appear to have it together, but because I don’t want my dirty laundry all over town, through the whole family, or the entire church! I’m sure by always saying fine I’m bottling it all up and just making it worse though.
Anna – I know exactly what you mean! I have a christian friend that asked how I was doing (I have had some health problems for a while) when I began to tell her she actually began to yawn. I don’t know whether it was intentional or not but, I think I like Renee’s book suggestion to say “without giving you all the details will you pray for me.” !! ( I have a good chuckle about it now!) 😉
Katy – thank you so much for the reminder! That’s right! She did say that in the book!! I do need to remember I can say “I’m not ok and the details aren’t important, but please pray for me”! Thank you so much for reminding me! : )
I just want to say that I love this book. I really connect with the acronym Feeling Inadequate Needing Encouragement. I have problems with feeling inadequate and this book has helped me so much. Sometimes I feel that I am the only person that feel insecure and inadequate and it helps so much to know that I am not alone. One part of chapter 2 really hit home with me “A personal relationship with God sets us free to be all we were created to be. As children of God we were designed to find our identity, our significance and our confidence in Him.” I attended a spiritual retreat about a month ago and God told me that He could not use me until I took off my mask and let myself become what He wanted me to be, what He created me to be. I try to be what others want me to be and I have realized that I need to be what God wants me to be and not worry about what others think. I hold onto the verse from Phil 1:6 “being confident of this, that He who began a good work in [me[ will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
I’m not fine. I have been praying; been prayed for…..and I am still not okay. Fight back tears at work and home and just plain don’t know what to do. I. seek God everyday. Thank you for asking.
Dear Sweet Becky,
We all have been there and please be comforted. We know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them. Romans 8:28 Keep clinging to Him for He cares for you! I do too and I am praying for you to be blessed today in a very special way and that you will know, without a doubt, who is blessing YOU because HE LOVES YOU!! Amen
It’s okay to ask Him to Bless Us whenever we need.
Bless you Becky…God’s not finished with you yet. Keep praying. Lord, please be the lifter of Becky’s head. Today Lord help her to hear your still small voice. Allow her to experience Your love and to be comforted by the fact that you know the numbers of hairs on her head. You know, you love, you hear the cries of Becky’s heart. You never leave or forsake her. Let this be her confidence. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
Becky, I’m glad you are being honest and can say you are not fine, that is half the battle. Don’t hold back the tears but when you cry or feel like crying, ask yourself why am I doing this to see why you are crying and sometimes God will show you things you may not have seen before. Sometimes as we grow older, we start to let go of things and we dont’ realize it and it grieves us so to do this. I will pray that the Holy Spirit the helper Jesus sent to us here on earth will help you and carry you through this time and show you what to do~~~~~keep seeking HIs face, stay in the light~~~~~Sue
Becky, I totally understand how you are feeling but maybe these verses wll help you. 11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:11-13
Ask, Seek, Knock
7 “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.
Matthew 7:7
These are the scriptures that helped me so much. I will pray that you will find employment.
Shannon Thank you for sharing these scriptures. I sent these scriptures to my sister-in-law. They are about to move to another home because the rent is cheaper it won’t be ready until 5/30. Her current landlord said he cannot extend their lease and needs to be out by 5/8. This leaves her and her husband and 3 children and 2 dogs in a desperate need of a place to stay for 3 weeks. I’m torn to help. We live in a small place and don’t know how to fit them comfortable- and to be honest how it will affect my comfort zone?Can I get my prayer sisters to pray for them & me to help with this situation?
Thank you & God Bless you all.
I was known and loved by God this morning~~so I thought I would share~~~~~A friend and I have been making jam in October for Christmas gifts for the last 26 yrs. Today was our brunch for our last bible study group and as I was prompted by the Holy Spirit to do my back exercises on the floor in my bedroom, when I was done my head turned over to under my bench where I had the last of the jam which I was saving for the last class which I had totally forgotten about and I said Thank you Lord, I forgot about that and since I didn’t know how many ladies would show up I kept them in the car till everyone was in to see how many came. And here is the best part, God knew there would be 16 ladies and He gave me exactly 16 jars of jam to share with the ladies today~~~~~~~my heart was jumping, only God who knows me, would know that from last December when all the jam was given out and then some that I would need 16 jars for today to share with the ladies in class! I get so excited when God who knows our comings and goings does things like these and I am quiet enough to listen to the promptings of the Holy Spirit to see what He is doing in my life.
To be known is to be loved
And to be loved is to be known
I feel known and loved by God, He knew what I needed today and that was HIs love for me today to remind me of the jam for class and to have just the number of jars I needed~~~what a gracious God we have.
Praise God, Susan! This is so exciting – thank you for sharing this tender moment with the Father. These kinds of things always make me laugh. He cares about the tiniest things in our lives – how AWESOME is that???
As I was reading John 4 today, a couple things stood out to me. Things that have never hit me before.
1) Jesus made the effort to meet the Samaritan woman right where she was, right in the middle of her bad decisions and messy life. He wanted to be alone with her, so He could speak truth into her life. He knew at the well would be the place He could speak to her soul.
2) The part about worshipping in Spirit. That has never stood out to me before and it soothed my spirit today. Three years ago, I went on a mission trip with a Jr. High youth group. It was suppose to be a time of encouraging them in their relationships with God. But it changed my life forever! The message that week was all about having an authenic relationship with God. This was the beginning of my journey. This journey led me to leave a church that was not authentic. It led me to God and a deeper relationship than I have ever had with Him. It has been a painful journey, but one I would never trade for anything. Now I am in a church that finally feels right! I am growing my relationship with God and my family is slowly changing. But the most important thing I have learned is, when everything is stripped away in your life, is God enough? Is the relationship you have with God enough? Because when I stand before God, it won’t matter what church I worshipped in, it won’t matter who my pastor was, it won’t matter what ministry I served in, the only that will matter will be my relationship with God.
Pam your absolutely right! Amen to that!
Oh My Gosh, Pam! Your post just spoke so clearly to me! God is currently “stripping away” all that I have! Without understand why He is asking me to do these things, I’ve stepped out of ministry, out of counseling, out of bible study (except this one of course) and on and on… Then I saw a book cover: When we are Down to Nothing, God is Up to Something. (isn’t it funny how He chooses to speak to us sometimes!) Now I am led to your post and He reveals a little more to me. How exciting that the Creator of the Universe cares about me enough to lead me moment by moment on the journey He has planned to work for my good!!! Thank you for being part of it!
Oh my goodness; this chapter was so hard for me to read. My eyes teared up with every sentence and as I began to read the story of The Samaritan Woman (Sam) the tears dripped down onto the pages. I have read and heard this story so many times before but this time I was seeing myself so clear and so vividly the tears just started to fall. I am twice divorced and am now in a relationship with a man who won’t commit to marriage although he is committed to me and our relationship. Our relationship is not sexual and we don’t live together because we both love the Lord and want to do what is right but after three years of dating and being a part of each other’s lives and being a part of each other’s families I want so much more but he can not see pass his own dreams and desires. In a way I understand; because of his first failed marriage he now lives with his parents and He has a 17 yr daughter that he shares custody with his ex. His dream: to get her through high school and into college and to secure a home of his own. They are first in his mind and marriage is secondary. Yet I believe God has placed us together for a reason and I also believe God has pre-ordained him to be my husband but in God’s time, not mine. Still, understanding doesn’t help when I come home and put the key in the door at the end of each day finding my house empty, no one to tell about my day, no one to spend time with; He works such long crazy hours; driving more that 150 mile round trip daily that it’s rare that we see each other during the week unless it’s a church. Last night I had a meeting with Pastor and he was there for rehearsal as he is part our music ministry so we saw each other briefly; long enough to get a quick hug and ask if the other was ok. I eat most of my meals alone and go to bed and get up alone. Although my two former marriages failed I love being married much more than I love being single. Not only do I not like being single, I’m also find out how hard it is to take care of a home all by yourself… yard work, things that break in the night. Unfortunately for me twice I married the wrong person and it seems now that I have met the right person he is not that interested in marriage. Some times I get discouraged and want to end the relationship and be free to date some one whose priority is marriage but I love this man so much and the though of him not being a part of my life is more than I even bare to think about. I have never been in a relationship with a man who stilled even wanted me if sex was not part of the equation. Our lives are so intertwined and we are so good for one another that it almost seems like a cruel joke that marriage is not part of the plan. But I remember the promises of God and I know HE promised me the desires of my heart; HE promised me if I trusted and believed that I would received; HE promise me no good thing (man) would be withheld from me and HE promised me that I would reap my harvest if I don’t grow weary of well doing and if I faint not. I know that God’s word will not return to Him void and that His word will prosper where he has sent it. And so I will trust God and wait on him.
Barbara in reading chapter 2 it occurred to me that this part might help you. Page 38 – He cares about every detail of your life. God wants us to come up close and experience Him and all that He has for us. Also, how He invites us to slow down and talk to Him about our day and the desires of our heart and ask Him if what we want is really what we need.
What an awesome God and I thank Him for using Renee to write so eloquently about all that we have when we share our life with Him.
Growing up in church, in a ministry family, we got REALLY good at the “fine” answer. Too good. Even when my father was being emotionally and psychologically abusive, even when we’d spent our live walking on eggshells and blaming ourselves (erroneously) for his outbursts, we were fine. It took me years to be able to open up to others about how I was REALLY feeling, and I’m still struggling with getting my mother to do the same. I’ve spent my life feeling like I was “less than” because of my family’s circumstances, but God is showing me that He is more than enough and I can have victory through Him!
Wow, what a powerful chapter and what a powerful post from Melanie. This study is such a God-ordained appointment for me. I am the poster child for the “I’m fine” exterior. Oldest child, overachiever, perfectionist, and people-pleaser. I have fallen victim to the trap of trying to be someone I am not to impress bosses, co-workers and others, only to be rejected over and over again for not having “the look,” the right status, the right background, etc. I worked hard to meet what I was told was certain standards, only to have the standards change without notice and then be told that I didn’t measure up. God used the experience to bring me to a career that at first seemed to be more directly related to serving Him, and while the work itself is important kingdom work the work environment is pharasaical and judgmental. Again I’m finding that I am rejected for not looking like I should, not behaving in a certain way and for not marching to the boss’ tune without question or comment. This has been most hurtful because it is in a supposedly Christian environment in which the leaders are very publicly “out there” espousing their work for the Lord while treating those of us who work for them as children who are punished when they misbehave and are given onerous rules and regulations to live by. I am a professional with nearly as much experience as the boss but am treated like a child who is only permitted to do what he says is permitted and only in the way that he says is permitted. Any deviation from that is punsihed by firing or threat of firing. Right now i am in limbo, having been told that my inability to work well with others (Actually, my sin of questioning a decision), means that I should be “separated” from the company, yet continuing to work from home and get a salary because their is no one else at the company who can do the work I do as well and has efficiently and for the below-market salary I make. I have been told that they want to retain me as a contractor, but nothing has been presented so far. I have made a proposal which is sitting in an email in box. I am grateful to be able to work from home and actually see my kids and husband, and am delighted to be doing work that serves God’s kingdom, but I am pained by the interpersonal problems that I believe are hampering doing even greater things for the Lord. Renee’s and Melanie’s messages, and some other devotionals I have been reading have reiterated the idea of dying to people pleasing and its bondage and replacing it with pleasing God as my Provider and Source. The interpersonal struggles at my workplaces have created doubts that have prevented me from moving forward, and this study is helping me see that and helping me realize that the facade of perfection that I have lived under most of my life and which the present work situation has demanded (anything remotely negative is punished) is not God’s best for me. I would like to strike out on my own with a law practice that really is devoted to God’s service and especially to helping women from a Christian perspective instead of the prevalent secular perspective, but being the main breadwinner for the family only feeds my doubts. I am actively seeking God’s leading in this manner and pray that I have the courage to answer Him when He calls.
Sorry to drone on, but as I mentioned, this study is really a God appointment for me.