Ever longed for other’s approval? Does the spin cycle of affirmation-seeking sometimes leave your heart wrung out? Today, I’ve invited my beautiful friend, Jennifer Lee Dukes, author of Love Idol, to sit with us for a while and share how we can live free from our need for approval – knowing we are already preapproved:
My 10-year-old daughter decided a few weeks ago to cut ten inches off of her hair and donate it to an organization that makes children’s wigs.
She didn’t tell me her plan until we were a few minutes away from the hair salon. I had assumed she would be asking for a half-inch trim.
It seemed like a rash decision to me, but Anna assured me that she’d thought it through.
“I’ve had this in mind all summer,” she said resolutely from the back seat of our car. “I want to donate my hair. Because it would mean a lot to me if I lost my hair and someone donated theirs to me.”
But what Anna didn’t tell me was this: She was secretly afraid that she’d hate her new hairstyle. She didn’t share that piece of information with me until after the ten inches had been snipped.
Despite her fears, she went through it. Because, inside her small self, she apparently knew this truth about a life of faith:
if you never risk the scary thing to do the right thing, you’ll miss the chance to be a part of the God Things.
In the end, she told me, she actually does love her new haircut. (And I do, too.) But that wasn’t the point. That was never the point.
The truth is:
Doing the right thing isn’t always the beautiful thing, and it might not be the popular thing. But if we set out in our life, only to be liked or applauded in this life, we will compromise anything, and thus, achieve nothing.
I don’t write these words as a way to publicly pat my daughter on the back.
I tell you this story because her actions have something to teach any of us who have been scared to say “yes” when God calls us to do something that feels scary.
I’m not proud to say that there have been times when I have said “no,” out of fear.
That happened a few months ago, when someone from a large Christian women’s conference asked me to speak at an event. I felt in my spirit that God might be telling me to say “yes,” but I was too terrified to follow through. I had never spoken to a crowd that large before.
So I told the conference organizer, “no.” Out of fear.
You want to know what made my “no” even more absurd? I had written a book called Love Idol a few months earlier, encouraging women to give God their yeses, even when they’re scared!
With my “no,” I had contradicted my own advice.
Thanks be to God, He gently guided me back to the truth. And a few weeks later, I gave my “yes” to another conference planner, despite my trembling heart over whether people would approve of me.
Most days, I know the truth about who I am. I know that I have nothing to prove and that in Christ I am already approved – pre-approved!
When I remember that, I can say yes with more “God-fidence” despite my fears.
Those yeses are important. Because the moment we stop fussing over how it will all turn out, is the moment we start actually living for God. Only then can we fearlessly love our neighbors, lead a Bible study, talk into a microphone, pray out loud, stand up for our beliefs, fight for the underdog, speak truth in love, write a book, or take audacious risks for the Kingdom.
We can give our voice, our story, our love. Our yes!
Even our hair.
His Banner Over You is Love.
The value of your yes isn’t adequately measured by the response of those who are watching. Worth isn’t measured by virality or Facebook shares. It is measured by a God who declares us incalculably worthwhile, and immeasurably loved.
When we know who we really are — approved and loved by Christ — we are no longer held back. We are free. Because we know we are His.
Not because we are viral. Or invited. Or magazine-cover-beautiful. Or applauded at the annual meeting.
But because we are His.
His banner over you doesn’t say, “Prove yourself” or “Try Harder” or “Go Viral.” His banner over you isn’t a sales report or a Facebook share.
His banner over you is simply this –
LOVE.
You don’t have to earn anyone’s love anymore. Believe this: That you are already God’s beloved.
Enter to Win
What resonated with your heart as you read Jennifer’s thoughts about being preapproved?
Share Your Thoughts and ENTER to WIN a signed copy Jennifer’s book, Love Idol, and a custom PreApproved necklace. Jennifer is giving away three book & necklace gift sets.
Jennifer Dukes Lee is a storyteller and grace dweller. She is author of Love Idol: Letting Go of Your Need For Approval—and Seeing Yourself Through God’s Eyes. She and her husband are raising crops, pigs and two humans on a farm in Iowa. Read more at JenniferDukesLee.com.
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What a great message! I can’t wait to read the book! I struggle with the need to be accepted every single day. It’s a shame that as a Christian woman I need reminded of God’s love and acceptance of me, whom He created! All of the necklaces cradle beautiful messages that hold those messages so near to our hearts- the hearts God gave us to love who He made us to be and hearts created to love one another .
I have fought my whole life to feel approved. Walking with God has brought me the closest to knowing the truth of who I am than at any other time in my life. Having been abused as a child and then a promiscuous teen to a mom of 5 that was left for a younger version life has dealt some hard blows to my approval rating. Only God’s truth, compassion and faithfulness has dented the lies. He has never given up on me.
Now as a single mom I mentor teen girls and hopefully am breaking lies off of them through God’s love and truths.
I would LOVE a copy of your book. I have thought of using it with the girls I mentor as a study.
I am overweight, and I used to keep my head down and not look people in the eye because I was ashamed. Now I see myself through God’s eyes, and I hold my head up high and smile and know that His thoughts of me are enough. I need no other’s approval
What a beautiful article! Kudos to your daughter! I struggle with this often and with knowing what He wants me to do. I especially love the “preapproved” part! I look forward to the book.
I am thankful that my God loves me for who I am and that love and acceptance is unconditional. Our family is in the midst of multiple severe storms with absolutely no control over any portion of any one of those storms. Taking one day (some days one minute) at a time and acknowledging that no matter how devastating everything we hear specific to each, respective situation, is totally out of our control. Continuously praying God will quiet those storms “in His time”.
Loved the”God-fidennce” …having that makes stepping out a lot easier. Thanks.
I love how Jennifer talks about getting over ourselves and doing the scary things that God calls us to do. I am currently reading Love Idol, and would love to have another copy to give to a friend or my sister. This is a great message that anyone can relate to, everyone deals with overcoming feelings of inadequacy. Thanks for sharing your spiritual growth with us Jennifer, so we can grow too.
I loved reading these words:
“You don’t have to earn anyone’s love anymore. Believe this: That you are already God’s beloved.”
To realize that God loves me, accepts me a d delights in ME without me having to earn that is freeing.
I have thought if I was good enough, pretty enough, supportive enough or compassionate enough that things in my life would fall into place. I have realized that none of that really “earned” me what I was looking for in life. To know God loved, accepted and wanted me before I was even born is humbling beyond words. Regardless of my station in life, I have a loving Father who is always there for me, and it is not base on my a toins or merit…I did not have to earn His love….. Powerful!
This really speaks to me. Even today I had to do something I was very afraid to do. So it is encouraging that Jennifer has also struggled with saying yes, that I’m not the only one who gets afraid. And it is encouraging to know that we are loved so deeply by the Lord as we are. I am meditating on that these days.
It is very courageous for a young girl to cut her hair that much shorter. I commend her not only for her courage, but her heart for those who are ill. It is courageous to start a bible study, it was an idea I tossed around for a while because I am going to school in the morning when our church has a women’s Bible study & I work in the evening when there are other Bible studies, but didn’t because I was afraid between my work load at school, my family (Husband & 2 children ages 15 & 4), and my nearly full-time job I wouldn’t have time to MAKE SURE I was prepared ahead to lead the study. I wouldn’t want to let anyone down. There did become an opportunity for a Bible study, & my employer is giving me that day off each week, so I can at least participate in one. I do have a good platform to witness to my customers, but never seem to have the response I should say when I am complimented. Sometimes, I push the proper thought back thinking the person won’t like it, sometimes I don’t even think of it. I’m always trying to help myself with the right response. I think I have a good one, but haven’t used it. I believe the Pre-Approved really speaks to people in this day & age.
Grateful that the only opinion of me that matters is God’s, and he loves me no matter what
In a family where I was the youngest of four girls I was never alone; never a reason to be afraid. Yet I lived my life from a child to the adult stage always afraid, I should be truthful and say at my age now I am learning to feel safe. I know my Lord and Savior is always with me and has brought me through many trials. I did not want to go to school, I wanted to be home with Mom and Dad. I was taught to obey those who have the rule over me. I never went against what Drs. told me, Pastors said, any adult. I taught Sunday School for over forty years. Was the speaker at many ladies events in my church. My Pastors wife and I did comedy skits with over three hundred attending. We were the entertainment before the dinners at church, ladies events, etc. I did these things and more because I couldn’t say no! It took me many years to see why I could do these things. My daughter said to her husband one day, “can you believe my Mom can do these things?” He replied “yes, she doesn’t have to be herself, she is being someone else!” You know, that hit hard! My husband and I have been in financial problems, I couldn’t say no to whatever, loans to cover this loans for that, more for what we needed. I had to take a few days and decide for myself why I did each thing in my life. Teaching Sunday School was no. one. I knew that was because God gave me the talent to teach. God healed me during the years from many illnesses. Rheumatoid Arthritis, God healed, Rheumatic Fever healed. Stage four, wide spread Ovarian Cancer healed, seventeen years ago. God has been so good to me even when I didn’t know who I was. Teacher, comedian, Mother, grandmother, all the things of life. Then it hit me I am my Father’s daughter, I am God’s Child first and foremost, forever and ever!! I would love to buy the Pre-approved locket and book. Thanks for accepting this story. There is a lot in between to be sure. I belong to Jesus and He belongs to me. Thanks! This book will help everyone including me. If I am going to learn at 75 it should be now.
I have a real issue with saying no out of fear. Saying yes, too, for that matter.
I so appreciate your openness in sharing about fear of taking risks in serving our Lord, and would love to have a copy of your book to read. Thank you!
The scary part is not that I don’t want to….I don’t know the how to do things I love. Maybe, it is not good enough, I don’t know. I like to write, but I have no help getting a book written on computer and getting published. I like to speak in small churches, but only had the opportunity twice. I like to teach Bible studies, but not enough ladies to attend.
So, I guess I need to hang a banner in my room and just remind myself of God’s goodness for now. You book sounds good and what a blessing how God uses you.
Jennifer, today was the perfect day to be reminded that being brave is not about us but about hearing God’s call, trusting Him in all things and even when we are are afraid, stepping out in faith and his righteousness…” Do not fear. I am with you. Do not be anxious. I am your God. I will help you. I will strengthen you. I will uphold you with my victorious and righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10.AND to know that we are loved by our Father God just the way He created us, right where we are!
Thanks for your encouragement, these words came at a time when I feel pressure to look at the “storm” around me, and to others. Such an amazing reminder of Gods goodness and that I am pre-approved in Christ. Thanks for sharing your heart. Looking forward to the book!
I would love to read this book……… I would definitely pay it forward and share it when I am done!!!
Such a joy to know I am not alone in the struggle for approval. Thank you for providing keys to stepping out of this and into what GOD wants us to be!
‘Pre-Approved’ – what a wonderful synonym for ‘Justified.’ A few years ago, struggling with some choices previously made in life, I was reminded that because of Christ I was justified. It was in that word that I could speak my first prayer in public and in doing so a confidence appeared that was new for me. Thank you for this additional word to my Christ dictionary – a word I will now include in my armor and teach my two nieces to embrace.