This week, I think we’ve all come to realize we’re not the only ones who find it hard to let people know how we’re really doing. As I shared this week in Chapter 2, sometimes I think we tell people we’re fine even when we’re not, because we want to be. Or we hope that by saying we are fine, eventually we will be. Other times we act like we’re fine because others expect us to be. And I love how so many of you admitted you also have days when hormones or grumpy-ness trump all good manners and anyone within ten feet knows you are not fine. In fact, what you really meant in code is that you are Frazzled, Irritated, Neurotic, and Exhausted! Today, I want to introduce you to my friend, Melanie from Only a Breath. She’s the one who created our really cute Online Study blog button (see my sidebar if you want one)! And, she’s also leading A Confident Heart online study. Today she shares soemthing she wrote on her blog. I love how she challenges us to take off the “I’m Fine” mask and be real with God, each other and especially ourselves about how we’re really doing.
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… She walks the hallway, fighting back tears that threaten to well up again. It’s been a long night, filled with betrayal and disappointment. Her future is uncertain. Back at the office, she tries to maintain normalcy. When eyes met, she is faced with another routine, “How are you?” “I’m fine”, she answers, with a plastic smile that hides her pain. … Across town, a young father shakes hands with the fourth interviewer that month. “Thank you for your time.”he says. On the way home, his wife calls to see if there’ s any hope for the job they’ve been praying for…for so long. They have mouths to feed, children to raise, a car on its last miles… “It will be fine”, he assures her. As he hangs up, he hangs his head in despair. … A young, single mom cuddles her baby on the park bench. She holds her boy close, surrounded by happy couples with smiling children. She never expected to raise her child alone. The pain is sometimes too much to bear. Will she ever feel that she belongs? That she is wanted? Loved? Beautiful? “We will be fine she whispers into his soft ear, surrounded by whisps of fine, brown hair. “I’m fine…” “We’re fine…” “Doing great…” In Chapter 2, Renee invites us to take off the “I’m fine” mask. But she also acknowledges just how scary it is to expose the pain that keeps us up, haunts us like nightmares, and threatens each breath of hope. … but we’re fine. Or are we? Could we take off the mask that we, especially as Christians, live the “fairy tale”? We are certainly blessed, in every circumstance guarded by the Father, but honestly, in the deepest parts, we aren’t fine. I’m not fine. If I took off the “I’m fine” mask, would you think less of me, or would you think I’m … human? We don’t have it all under control, and I can’t help but think that when we act like we do, we basically tell God that we don’t need him. We’ve got this. By pretending we’re “fine” we tell others something must be wrong with them if they are hurting… because we certainly are not hurting. We’re fine. What if we let someone else in? What if we said, “I’m hurting, and the details aren’t important, but would you please pray for me? I would really appreciate that.” Could that help them, in return, reach out to someone else when they are hurting? Do we need to grant one another permission to not be fine? Could we come broken before the Father, and cry out for His mercy and strength? He did promise to never leave us or forsake us. Even when we don’t feel it, could we still cling to His promise and claim it? He knows we’re not fine. Could the trials be the very thing that break the strings holding on our mask, allowing it to fall to the ground so we cling to Him a little tighter? The truth is… We aren’t fine… We are forgiven. We aren’t in control… We are held by the hands that control our very heartbeat. We aren’t invincible… We are made to look to the only One who can heal the broken. As a sisterhood of hearts seeking our confidence in HIM, let’s take off our masks today. At least here with each other. And maybe with just one other person we meet this week. I have a feeling someone needs to see the battle wounds and scars we carry in order for them to stop pretending and seek His help too.
And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9
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Thank you so much Melanie, for reminding me again today that God’s grace is sufficient. Today I need HIS strength to be made perfect in my weakness. For the truth is… I am not fine. Well, yes I am….Frazzled, Irritated, feeling a little Neurotic and totally Exhausted. I’ll share more in the comments. But I don’t want you all worrying about me. Life is just hard sometimes at our house, just like it is at yours. I think it’s important that you know that. Just because I’m in ministry and have written a book doesn’t insulate me from trials. In fact, it almost guarantees them. BUT God’s grace can be my sufficient… if I let it be. Today’s Assignment:
- Finish reading chapter 2 and answer end your of chapter questions.
Connect in Community:
- Please share answers to a few questions of your choice from the end of Chapter 2 in our comments today. Just click “Share Your Thoughts” below this post, and do just that. (Remember if you are reading this in an email, click on the title at the top of the post to go back to my website to connect and communicate with our group. This is such a valuable part of this study. My favorite part!!)
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I wanted to share my answer to the last question at the end of chapter 2–The lesson that I walked away with from this chapter was that God doesn’t want me to hide behind my past failures, He wants me to break free and blossom! I have been working on that for awhile now and I am so excited about this study and how much it is going to help me. Thanks Renee!
Yes!!! Love this!
Melanie,
I am glad you said that you almost deleted the post because of what people might think! That is why I rarely write on these posts or even post things on FB…what if people don’t respond, what if they think my response is dumb, etc. etc. I need this study so bad! A need for validation and a fear of rejection can be paralyzing (at least to me)…
You are all amazing women who have so willingly allowed people into your lives through these comments! Thanks for being so transparent! It inspires me!
I’m with you, sweet friend! It gets us all 😉 so don’t feel bad! I’m amazed though that when we say YES to God’s prompting how much He can use our feeble attempts! 🙂
I just loved chapter 2. Had to re-read it again and am so glad I did. I struggle so much with perfectionism and always feel like I fall short of God’s mark and blow it. I have to rest in His perfect love and just enjoy knowing my God in a deep personal way.
Me too!! I never realized how much my perfectionism was preventing me from fully appreciating His love for me!
Hugs,
Melanie
Dawn, I didn’t realize how many women struggle with perfection. I wonder why we do? I’ve linked mine back to my childhood – didnt matter how many A’s there were, the B’s were questioned & the A’s werent praised…sports – I remember my brothers having to practice for hours with my dad, and he would get so angry! Then, years of mind games, manipulation, verbal and physcial abuse…no wonder my image of God was skewed. Every day I mess up, I used to feel like He was mad at me for not getting it right, and I still struggle with this some days, even this week!! I am learning to realize that He isn’t like them! The more time I spend with Him, the more He shows me about myself that I didnt even know. And, when there is something I am struggling with, He points me sometimes ahead of time, and sometimes after to just what I need to read or hear to encourage me.
“I’m fine” were my most used words for so long. Your words rang so true as you talked about thinking you could have value if you did all the right things. I felt I was of no worth unless I acted with a smile in all I gave or did for others even when it cost me so much of the real person I was on the inside behind my mask. By some people I was told I was too quiet or too serious so I wore one mask with them and with others I may have worn another. I tended to hide any signs of the way I really felt. I felt if the real me was really seen then someone would surely leave me or even worse not like me and let me know that every time I saw them. I felt God was a judge and hated me because how could He love me if He really did know me like people said He did. I had done so many things and had so many things done to me. How could God love something so ugly and so disgusting? No one else could possibly know how I was feeling so I surely couldn’t let them know. When I began to learn who God really was and how He had not just loved me but that He had pursued me even in those darkest moments, it was hard for me to grasp at first. It was VERY uncomfortable and had to be a lie to me. When I read the story of the samaritan woman, I cried to think that He knew what she had done and was doing and He was still wiling to love her. The more I read His word, the more I learned He was with me the whole time anyway. To know He knew my deepest feelings and fears was amazing to me. To know I could stop trying to be someone I wasn’t and still be loved was so freeing! Here’s a little poem showing how I dealt with that pain in the past:
“Jack in the Box”
Glimmering smile, love, arms outstretched
They wind the crank always expecting the same to be produced
What they do not know as they pass the box around, picking it up when they need some unforeseen happiness, is that inside the box is a simple little toy, bent and crushed by pain given by others and taken in only to never show again.
But as the box is thrown from here to there never knowing who may use it next, it begins to get older and less likely to come out.
For the outside world will never see the inside pain.
They cannot feel it. They will not know it.
I am SO HAPPY to no longer have to hide and live with that pain and fear alone.
Oh, sweet friend. I just wish I could hug you. You have described exactly how I have felt for SO long. I am praying that God will work in our hearts and help us to know how wide, hide, rich, vast His LOVE is for us.
love and prayers,
Melanie
IN RESPONSE TO A FEW QUESTONS:
#3 the Bible says that we are not alone: “Remember that your Christian brothers and sisters all over the world are going through the same kind of suffering” ( 1 Peter 5:9b NLT).
#5 Jesus does understand: “This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for he faced all of the same testings we do,…(Hebrews 4:15 NLT). Also read Romans 8:31-39.
#6 Perfect love: “….perfect love expels all fear….” (1 John 4:18a NLT).
“Don’t you see how wonderfully kind, tolerant, and patient God is with you? Does this mean nothing to you? Can’t you see that his kindness is intended to turn you away from your sin?” (Romans 2:4 NLT).
“……keeps no recard of being wronged” (1 Corinthians 13:5 NLT).
These are just a few scriptures that the holy Spirit fed to me as I was responding to these questions.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8 is also one of my favorites, so I am going to share this in its entiety
“4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud. 5or rude. It does nor demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6It does nor rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. 8….love will last forever!” (1 Corinthiands 4:4-8b).
If you notice that the first two are patient and kind that is because they are God’s greatest attributes and He holds them above thr rest. If youe were to change the word love to God you will learn who God is and His character.
God’s love be on all of you and may He be with you through out this book and open up the eyes of your hearts (Eph 1:18) so that you all may see and understand what He wishes for you to see and understand. For only He knows your heart (Psalm 139). And the plans He has for you (Je 29:11-12). May GOD bless each one of you. AMEN
Thank you for your comment!!! You make such great point and I LOVE how you tie His promises from scripture together! If you don’t already lead a Bible study, you should!!! 🙂
Thank you so much for your encouraging thought and words Melanie. I love your heart. Reading your reply made my night thanks again. God Bless
i just got the book today; A CONFIDENT HEART, was so glad to get it. my sister got it for me and it is such a good book,its one you cant put down, i read chapter 1 already and am on chapter 2 and almost done there. have a little more reading to do yet. will do that later on tonight.
judy hoff.
You will love it, Judy!!! 🙂 Praying it will encourage your heart!
I just got through reading the chapter and answering the questions. From the taking off the mask piece that was published above to the self reflection of this chapter, I came to realize that I don’t always have to hold it all together at all times and give off the impression of I’m fine. I’m so used to always being in control that when I get tired of holding it in, i just explode. I think God is trying to teach me in this season, that I don’t have to try to pretend like I have it all together at all times. Its okay to have a crappy day and want to just run away and hide and be by yourself. But he just wants you to run to him completely. I think God has taken away some people in my life, like Renee mentioned above because I was using them as a crutch instead of running to him first. I was getting too comfortable with them to supply my needs. God wants me to run to him instead to supply my needs, be there for me, and simply listen. He wants me to rely on him more than ever before and be real with him in our one on one time. In reflecting on this chapter and these questions, I also realized that growing up in a Christian home and always going to church (as I was a deacon’s daughter) my image of God was one of power, wrath and correction whenever I messed up, as he was to be feared always. Now as I grow in my connection with him, and from reading John 4, I realize that the image I had was not the true image of my God as he is loving and shows me unconditional love and grace even when I am not deserving. All he truly wants is for us to lean and depend on him more than ever before for ANYTHING and EVERYTHING we should be feeling and even express our thoughts to him when it may not be in agreement and understanding of what he is doing in our lives.
Gabrielle, you just described my entire childhood outlook on God — even including the deacon’s daughter part!! -“I also realized that growing up in a Christian home and always going to church (as I was a deacon’s daughter) my image of God was one of power, wrath and correction whenever I messed up, as he was to be feared always” I am SO thankful of this time of realizing His great love for me! Praise the Lord!
I do believe when we let our guards down and allow ourselves to be vulnerable for one other that is where growth and healing take place. I struggle here and my prayer is that I can be the lady God created me, flaws and all be used for His glory. KNOWN…wow, God’s promise this week “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart…I can’t begin to wrap my tiny mind around that understanding the depth of my Lord’s love for (me) us!
Sharon I agree totally, I struggled with pride and letting my guard down to other people and Christians because of being hurt so many times before But I realize now that in order to grow that I have to be open and vulnerable. But even in that stance I am strong because God is there for me and loves me.
Amen!!!
AMEN!!
Question 6 – reread Sam’s story in John 4… I was struck by how the woman left behind her water jar when she went into town to tell others about Jesus.
Oh, I’ve never noticed that! Great point!
When I looked at my answers to Chapter 2 I was shocked. Never before had I realized those would be my thoughts. This is an eye opener for me. I am “Sam” in so many ways.
Me too!!! I don’t think I’ve ever taken the time to be this honest with myself….
I just finished the questions, got behind, The answer I put to number 7 was to embrace my imperfections in the light of His perfect love “being confident that He who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” Phil. 1:6
Because His love is perfect, I don’t have to be. Praying for all my cyber sisters here! Blessings to Renee and everyone!
My favorite quote!! “Because His love is perfect, I don’t have to be” 🙂 Love that.
I too have worn the “mask” saying I am fine when my life was anything but fine. But I have learned to be real to God. I have felt able to really let him know how I really feel. I have cried out with confessions and heartache and felt his awesome love and assurance at some really low points of my life. I identify with “Sam” because I have gone through a difficult marriage which ended in a difficult divorce and still face trials linked to my marriage. However, I am also blessed with two little girls who I have to take care of to bring them up in God’s love and I have to grow in my relationship so I can help them deal with the trials they are already facing. The Word is all I need and will be and is sufficient for whatever I face (page 43).
What a beautiful testimony! Praying for you, Denise!
All week I have paid attention to how many times, I ask “How are you?” and how many times it is asked of me. Wow! It is amazing how this little phrase has become such a part of our culture, but do we really want an honest answer? I had to ask myself, “Are you looking that person in the eye and gauging if they are really hurting or are you rushing by to get to your next thing”? I have committed to look past the social graces and try to see into the other person’s heart.
SUCH a great point. I need to keep this in mind. I can’t imagine Jesus walking by and not making eye contact when He asked “How are you?”…. to love them like Jesus is my prayer…
Blessings,
Melanie
Knowing that God wants a transparent relationship with His children, one that allows us the opportunity to share or desires, disappointments, and dreams is very comforting. Being bold and sharing with God allows us the opportunity to grow. It allows God to shine a light on those dark places in our hearts that we try to ignore because we are “fine” and we really do want to be fine but until we face the not so fine moments and get real with God, He cannot begin to do the true work that he desires for us…our God is comforting because he will continue to do His work in us because he has begun a good work and will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus Philippians 1:6
Beautiful!!! YES!
on page 40, Renee says that Jesus wants to help us to see whats going on in our hearts. That He wants to show me what is eroding my confidence. WOW! I love that I am going through a season of healing and this is so encouraging to hear that He cares that much that He wants me to know what is hindering me! He cares deeply about all that concerns me. I need to go deeper and not just deal with the surface. Knowing that Jesus WANTS to sit and talk about the deep things helps me to face the fear of opening the wounds!
I love this!!! It’s something that honestly took me a very long time to grasp! I just couldn’t imagine that He really wanted me to “bother” Him with my problems, but He longs for us to pour out our hearts to Him! 🙂
Love and prayers,
Melanie
I am willing to finally take off my mask of presenting myself as being “all together”. I tried to read this book when it first came out and ended up tossing it across the room. I felt that Renee had take my life and written it for all the world to see. I never realized how ashamed I was of my past. I have lead several support groups at church, but would never own up to my past. I am so thankful that Renee is leading this study and for all of the women who are learning to become transparent. Love and prayers are going your way.
I KNOW!!! I felt the SAME way! In fact, I told Renee, I felt like she had been reading my private journals!! 🙂 God knows our hearts, and He has a special message of love, acceptance, and strength for us all. Please stay with the book — God wants you to hear His message! Love to you!
Thanks Melanie. I am in a different place now in my thinking and am really embracing the truths this time around. I love how Renee is making “Sam” become a real woman and not just a “Bible Character”.
wow! Such real answers and what freedom to say, no I am not fine.
Thanks for being honest and giving me the freedom to say I am not fine. I need God. I need to know that He is aware of my pain and its ok. The burden is way to heavy for me!
So very true, sweet friend! Thank you for your comment!
Every day I try to convince myself that I am fine. I’m currently getting divorced from my husband that is currently incarcerated and has been there for 4 years. I got married to him on October of 2007 and he got incarcerated in February of 2008. I was 22 years old when I got married and I did it for all the wrong reasons. I got pregnant at 20 and had my daughter at 21. I didn’t want my daughter to grow up without a family so I thought getting married would be the best thing to do. It’s been hard being a single mom and I have been trying to fill that emptiness with other men. I want to start a new life with God in my life. I pray to him to forgive me of all my sins and to take me back as his daughter. I ask that you pray for me to continue believing in him and to guide me in the right direction.
Ana, I am so sorry. I am praying for you for wisdom, peace, and strength for all that you face. Just remember that God loves you like crazy! No matter what has happened in the past, He loves you with an everlasting, unfailing love!
Blessings,
Melanie
My favorite thing from Chapter 2 is “God’s love is perfect so I don’t have to be. That is so freeing to me. I am not fine, I know God is doing a new thing and I’m afraid, will I have to leave what I know is comfortable. I am learning everyday to Trust Him more and that His grace is sufficient. I just wish there was someone I could trust to help process all the new I am learning. I have tried to share with some of my church and they just stare at me because they are off in a different direction???? I hate to admit it but this is the second time I am doing Confident Heart, there was just so much He was showing me that I wanted to do it again. I truly desire to be all that He wants me to be. Thanks Renee for this wonderful study and all my Confident Heart Sisters that shows we are all in this together.
I love that quote too! And I’m also going through the study for the second time — I think there is SO much wisdom to gleam from it, I’m so excited to study it again!
I always thought it was wrong to not appear like a pillar of faith and that no matter how bad things were to say “I’m fine” was somehow proclaiming faith. But I am beginning to understand how that attitude is wrong because if things are “fine” then do I really need the Lord? Of course I do so by acknowledging things are not fine, I acknowledge I need the only one Who is Perfect. My confidence should be in Christ, not me; to acknowledge my problems, is to acknowledge I NEED the one and only true God.
Exactly!!! It’s almost like we tell God, we’re in control, and will let Him know if/when we need Him…. I LOVE what you said. Beautiful.
Blessings,
Melanie