This week, I think we’ve all come to realize we’re not the only ones who find it hard to let people know how we’re really doing. As I shared this week in Chapter 2, sometimes I think we tell people we’re fine even when we’re not, because we want to be. Or we hope that by saying we are fine, eventually we will be. Other times we act like we’re fine because others expect us to be. And I love how so many of you admitted you also have days when hormones or grumpy-ness trump all good manners and anyone within ten feet knows you are not fine. In fact, what you really meant in code is that you are Frazzled, Irritated, Neurotic, and Exhausted! Today, I want to introduce you to my friend, Melanie from Only a Breath. She’s the one who created our really cute Online Study blog button (see my sidebar if you want one)! And, she’s also leading A Confident Heart online study. Today she shares soemthing she wrote on her blog. I love how she challenges us to take off the “I’m Fine” mask and be real with God, each other and especially ourselves about how we’re really doing.
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… She walks the hallway, fighting back tears that threaten to well up again. It’s been a long night, filled with betrayal and disappointment. Her future is uncertain. Back at the office, she tries to maintain normalcy. When eyes met, she is faced with another routine, “How are you?” “I’m fine”, she answers, with a plastic smile that hides her pain. … Across town, a young father shakes hands with the fourth interviewer that month. “Thank you for your time.”he says. On the way home, his wife calls to see if there’ s any hope for the job they’ve been praying for…for so long. They have mouths to feed, children to raise, a car on its last miles… “It will be fine”, he assures her. As he hangs up, he hangs his head in despair. … A young, single mom cuddles her baby on the park bench. She holds her boy close, surrounded by happy couples with smiling children. She never expected to raise her child alone. The pain is sometimes too much to bear. Will she ever feel that she belongs? That she is wanted? Loved? Beautiful? “We will be fine she whispers into his soft ear, surrounded by whisps of fine, brown hair. “I’m fine…” “We’re fine…” “Doing great…” In Chapter 2, Renee invites us to take off the “I’m fine” mask. But she also acknowledges just how scary it is to expose the pain that keeps us up, haunts us like nightmares, and threatens each breath of hope. … but we’re fine. Or are we? Could we take off the mask that we, especially as Christians, live the “fairy tale”? We are certainly blessed, in every circumstance guarded by the Father, but honestly, in the deepest parts, we aren’t fine. I’m not fine. If I took off the “I’m fine” mask, would you think less of me, or would you think I’m … human? We don’t have it all under control, and I can’t help but think that when we act like we do, we basically tell God that we don’t need him. We’ve got this. By pretending we’re “fine” we tell others something must be wrong with them if they are hurting… because we certainly are not hurting. We’re fine. What if we let someone else in? What if we said, “I’m hurting, and the details aren’t important, but would you please pray for me? I would really appreciate that.” Could that help them, in return, reach out to someone else when they are hurting? Do we need to grant one another permission to not be fine? Could we come broken before the Father, and cry out for His mercy and strength? He did promise to never leave us or forsake us. Even when we don’t feel it, could we still cling to His promise and claim it? He knows we’re not fine. Could the trials be the very thing that break the strings holding on our mask, allowing it to fall to the ground so we cling to Him a little tighter? The truth is… We aren’t fine… We are forgiven. We aren’t in control… We are held by the hands that control our very heartbeat. We aren’t invincible… We are made to look to the only One who can heal the broken. As a sisterhood of hearts seeking our confidence in HIM, let’s take off our masks today. At least here with each other. And maybe with just one other person we meet this week. I have a feeling someone needs to see the battle wounds and scars we carry in order for them to stop pretending and seek His help too.
And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9
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Thank you so much Melanie, for reminding me again today that God’s grace is sufficient. Today I need HIS strength to be made perfect in my weakness. For the truth is… I am not fine. Well, yes I am….Frazzled, Irritated, feeling a little Neurotic and totally Exhausted. I’ll share more in the comments. But I don’t want you all worrying about me. Life is just hard sometimes at our house, just like it is at yours. I think it’s important that you know that. Just because I’m in ministry and have written a book doesn’t insulate me from trials. In fact, it almost guarantees them. BUT God’s grace can be my sufficient… if I let it be. Today’s Assignment:
- Finish reading chapter 2 and answer end your of chapter questions.
Connect in Community:
- Please share answers to a few questions of your choice from the end of Chapter 2 in our comments today. Just click “Share Your Thoughts” below this post, and do just that. (Remember if you are reading this in an email, click on the title at the top of the post to go back to my website to connect and communicate with our group. This is such a valuable part of this study. My favorite part!!)
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I am an officer in the military and will be retiring this year. With over 30 years of military service transitioning from military to civilian life has shaken my confidence to the core. So much so, that I could feel the darkness of depression creeping up on me, I’m a visual thinker, so I could see the darkness too. The words of doubt, negative self-talk and fear were starting to pop up in my thoughts. Military officers are expected to be “fine” the minute boots hit the ground–my confidence has been in my leadership; boss, commander up to the president. Last Sunday I sought out a few women, I could trust, to tell them “I’m not fine”. They wrapped their arms around me and prayed, one dear friend, a military wife, knew exactly what I was going through and knew just how to pray for me (thank you Holy Spirit). God even put General Colin Powell directly into my path for me to hear his testimony on the difficulty of transitioning from military to civilian life (thank you God, I’m not the only one who feels like this). I knew the “Confident Heart” study was for me. Thank you, Renee and your team of many! The darkness is receding–as I cling to our Lord, he saves me every day from heading down a slippery slope. God is working in me to replace, repair, and restore, my misguided confidence from man to Him! I am blessed because I am known by Him….
I just wanted to say thank you for sharing this because it certainly is encouraging! May God continue to bless and love on you as He does all of His precious children.
Wow, I never thought about this! THANK you for opening my eyes! Praying for you, and so thankful for your wonderful friends who are faithfully praying for you.
Also, THANK YOU for your many years of service. Our country, my family, and I appreciate you so very much!!!
Blessings!
Melanie
This gave me the chills–thank you for sharing! And thank you for your service. I’m the wife of a service member and we’re new to this. I’m only starting to see the special needs in the military, and I thank you for testifying to them! I am praying for confidence for you and that you will continue to have confidence in God! God Bless!
So, I came here to the blog post during my lunch hour today and I was reading through some of the comments after………then I scrolled on down to the bottom so I could leave a comment…….and I noticed the time and thought “I really don’t have time for this. I only have 30 minutes left. I will just pray for the others that I read about and I won’t worry about leaving a comment this time.” And I left the blog site, got my notebook to check out our “assignment” for the day and realized I didn’t have anything to do but read here and comment! Boy! I really think that stinkin’ enemy just didn’t want me to leave my comment! So, I’m back and I am going to share my answer to Question #6.
I used to never want to go to any kind of parties or gatherings – church-related or not – because I never felt I was wanted and surely didn’t think anyone would care if I were there or not. God is showing me how special I am to Him and also showing me that a NUMBER of others deal with the same feelings on one level or another. I still struggle sometimes, but I have been making myself attend more and more functions and really “putting myself out there”. I began by volunteering at EWomen Conferences and then, just last July, He REALLY moved me out of my comfort zone and sent me to the She Speaks Conference! I drove all the way from LOWER Alabama to North Carolina right by myself (well, the Lord was with me but no other humans – lol). All I had was a borrowed GPS and the Lord guiding me and I made it! That was a HUGE step for me on SO many levels! I knew absolutely no one that was attending and I have a HORRIBLE sense of direction! Anyone that wants to read my Life Story can find it by clicking on my name. That will take you to my blog and there you can click on the tab that says GOD NEVER WASTES A HURT – MY STORY. He is still working on me and I still struggle but I know He is with me and He will help me get the GODFIDENCE that HE wants me to have. I love Him SO much!
I’m so glad you left your comment and blog! I’m going to head over after reading through the comments here! I am just impressed and amazed that you are following Him in all things! Way to go, sweet friend! I would have been terrified to go by myself, so you are a wonderful example to me!
Blessings,
Melanie
Your comment about avoiding social functions because you felt you were not wanted and no one would care if you were there or not really hit home for me. I feel the same way. I am a major extrovert trapped in a the world alone due to my lack of belief that I have anything to offer to someone else.
I am impressed that you pushed through and volunteer for these events and things. I lack the ? to do that.
I jumped over and read some of your blog and parts of it resonated so much in me. Thank you for your transparency.
This blog and chapter also hit me smack on the nose! I am ALWAYS saying “i’m fine”..when really I am so stressed to the max. I am 24 years old and my husband and I have 3 children. I’ve gone to church off and on all through school (with him) but I never had my heart in it until now. I am saved and am so excited to learn more about my God and His Word. I am still very new at this, but it feels so nice to know that even as a Christian, it’s ok to admit that you are NOT ok. My mother was a drug addict and an alcoholic when I was a kid..I lived with my grandmother most of my life, who I’m so thankful to have! I have forgiven my mother for her ways, as she has been clean for about 5 years now, but deep down it still truly bothers me. Especially the fact that she now has seizures due to the drugs and traumatizing things that have happened to her. I have a hard time dealing with the fact that I only talk to her 1 time every 2 weeks (if that) and that she doesn’t come see her grand kids. I sometimes feel like they are losing out on her, as I did. My father’s wife left him last winter, and they adopted a child together. So now I am always worried about that whole situation. He has no steady work, so he calls worrying about his finances, which makes me worry. He has some health problems which I worry about. My other grandmother and I aren’t that close, and neither are my sister and I, which really gets to me. My uncle (who was drunk) fell down and became paralyzed. My other uncle was killed on his motorcycle. I just feel like I have SO much that is bothering me from when I was a child up until the present time. I pray about it, but I feel like I’m asking too much of God. I feel like I should be thanking him more for what I am blessed with, rather than complaining about my life. Another thing is my mother-in-law and I don’t see eye to eye most of the time, and I’m having a hard time dealing with that. I feel that where she lives the closest to my children, that she should be a grandparent who is always there..(instead of like my mother who physically can’t be, but who I also feel isn’t trying) but she’s not. I’m sorry to have wrote so much, but I guess I felt like I could write this all here and feel comfortable. I hope that at least half of you ladies will pray for me, because to this day, I don’t know how to deal with all of this. It’s hard to make myself feel better and stress-free with all of this when I also have the stresses of everyday life, such as finances, household work, children and all of that. Thank you so much Renee for this study and these blogs. They are such a help.
Amanda, I am praying earnestly for you right now and will continue to do so, sweet friend. I am so touched by your honesty, and sharing of your heart. Just remember that it really is okay to not be okay. You are loved with an “everlasting love” and God sees and hears your needs… if we simply trust Him. I’m trusting Him to work all of these things for His good and to use your life in a mighty way for Him!
love and prayers,
Melanie
Thank you so much Melanie. It only got worse this morning as I got a disturbing phone call from my mother. She is in deep depression and she is almost to the point where she doesn’t care if she’s here or not, which is hurting me because I don’t understand. She has grandbabies to be here for. I am having a very hard time dealing with this and I’m still crying out to the Lord to help me and my mother through this. Thank you so much for your response. I got back on here today hoping to see that someone had written back to me. It helps to hear your encouraging words! Thank you again!
You are not asking God for too much. He wants you to ask Him, This is the same concept I have had to deal with. God welcomes all of us with open arms. Praying for you to have the peace of God.
I struggle with opening up to others because my mom would share “everything,” and I’ve also felt judged when I was completely open and honest. I feel thankful that I have my husband to share with because he isn’t judgmental. I loved the story of Sam and the video that said “to be known is to be loved.” What a powerful statement that is that because God knows us He loves us, period. But my favorite part of this chapter is the title “Because God’s love is perfect, I don’t have to be.” I struggle with striving for perfect and always falling short. Now, I just need to fully get that, but I’m on the right path 🙂 Thank you!
I highlighted that same quote from this chapter too!!! I need to see it every day! 🙂
Hugs,
Melanie
Me, too!
I love being released and being real from that Mask of everything is fine. When most days my life seems like a tornado or pure chaos. Especially when the storms of life shake my foundation and I I loose my focus. Praise God we have a God who does know and loves us right where we are!!!
I think at our next women’s outlet I am going to ask ladies not how you are doing but if they are having a bad day and encourage them to share so as one body we can lift one another up and face reality together.
Would you all mind praying for me? I have made some terrible mistakes in my life that are haunting me, and if anyone found out would turn my life upside down. I am ashamed and am trying to do God’s will, but feel so alone & miserable..
Shirley,
I will pray for you. There is no mistake too big for God to forgive. God loves you and values you and has a wonderful plan for your life. He doesn’t want you to live in despair or discouragement. He wants you to live in hope and to trust in Him. I pray for encouragment, peace, and rest to fill your life right now.
There is nothing we have done or can do which will stop God from loving us or caring about us. Once our sin has been confessed- God remembers it no more. God has forgotten. I pray your strength and peace in the Lord and you will remember your are nver alone for Jesus promised never to leave us or forsake us. Father God I ask you to strengthen Shirley, You know Lord everything she is going through, You know her every thought, You know everything she stands in need of at this moment and in this season of her life, supply her need Lord. Pour our your loving Spirit upon her right now Lord, take her in Your arms and hold her close until your peace reign in her heart and she understands You can handle every mistake. In Jesus Name Amen! Be blessed Shirley
I am praying for you. You do not need to feel alone. God is with you right now. We are here for you.
I am not fine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Although I wear the mask. My daughter is 30 years old and has a mental illness, I am raising her 6 year old son and she is “MIA” again. Everyone says I need to move on and get over it. It’s the same old story the only thing that ever changes are the dates and charcters in her life. I confess I always believed in God, but I don’t think I believe Him other wise I could handle the pain more easily.
I’m taking the time out to express my sincere gratitude for The Confident Woman bible study and group. It’s really
a good feeling to know you are not alone. I’ve stuggled and denied for so many years about who I am, my identity,
if God loves me, if I’m good enough, people pleasing…and so on and so forth. I look forward to learning, growing,
and transforming as well as fellowshipping with other women in this study group. Even though I may never meet each person
or even one, just to know there are women out there that are striving for the same thing, means alot to me. Thank you and
May God Bless each and every one to be restored and truly Confident Women in Christ.
I like the thought of just answering,” I am not fine and can’t or don’t want to go into the details but can you please pray for me!!
Amen
I like that also…..
I was raised that you don’t ask for help and you definately don’t let people know about any problems or issues in your life. I wonder sometimes if that came from my mother’s parents, as they were ministers and I think that generation of preachers felt they had live by higher standards. Have been blessed for several years with ministers who confess they have problems. A lot of times in the sermon he will mention that he usually preaches to us what God has been working on him. Anyway, I digress – It is hard to open up and allow others into my messes. And the last couple of years with the economy, (I own a real estate company), it has been a struggle to keep my doors open, even working part time in the mornings at a big box store. I don’t want anyone to know how lonely I feel or how I long for acceptance and love. Part of my issues are pride, but also I don’t want to bring people down with my issues. I want to try to be positive – if not all I would do is complain about my problems. I am praying God will give me a friend with whom I can be totally honest with and have them pray with me and for me and I her.
Wow, Kim I was raised the same way. My family was very poor when I was a child. I remember over and over hearing “do not tell anyone about our/your problems. It is none of their business. We will not owe anyone for anything. We will make do and be fine.” Then as an adult when my husband left friends at church avoided me and did not ask how I was doing I guess because they knew I was noy ok. So I put on my mask and learned to be fine. It was so difficult, but after doing that for so long I find it hard to take off the mask even thouh I now have a loving husband and true friends. Sometimes I feel like not that everything is really wonderful I should not have any problems or should not complain. Everyone else is more important.The mask has been on so long that I do not know how to face people without it.
Yeah it is hard – and I know it is going to take an act of God to work in me and believe this study is a step in the right direction. I will pray for you! And to be honest with you, I don’t even know who is under my mask. I’ve been pretending so long, I just don’t know.
I am listening to Air1 on my earbuds as I catch up on my Prov 31 emails, blog and letters from you ladies that I feel I have the heart of…The mask….yes I wear it all the time. This week I had a teenager tell me “you don’t get anymore meltdowns, you have had your quota of meltdowns, you just need to drink another cup of coffee and put on the Face.” I taught her this from my actions. I keep trying to tell them that it isn’t the way to do things, but our Christian community is always putting on the mask.
Tears are streaming down my face as the sun in shining down on me. i will never answer “I am fine’ to another believer when I am asked how are you…I will answer, “I am forgiven”.
Rachel’s blog today and this is almost more than my healing heart can handle. “My life is not what I have been, but what I’ve overcome” is the song that put me over the edge.
Thanks you Lord.
Deena,
Great response. We are forgiven, redeemed, restored, loved and comforted by God. We need to lean on Him and HIs promises through every obstacle we face.
I just found that song on YouTube by Fireflight. Thank you for sharing!
Crystal, I am glad you found it. Fireflight is my favorite group. I feel like they just sing the cry of my heart.
Thanks for all of your support.
The thought I’ve been working on all week comes from this paragraph, “Jesus wants to help you see what is going on in your heart and what you are struggling with that is eroding your security and confidence. The only way we’ll have a confident heart is if we move beyond knowing about God to knowing and relying on Him, to depending on His word with our whole heart, mind, and soul.”
Wow.
I’ve been looking into my heart to see what is really going on there, to identify my struggles. My husband had an affair. Maybe that sentence is enough to identify some of my struggles. I’ve had to learn to trust him again, and even God again. I was not a confident woman before, but the affair pretty much decimated any sense of confidence I had.
I’m learning that God, alone, can be my confidence. Some times I feel like it would be easier to just disappear. Being confident is hard work.
Penny,
I feel your pain. I was so devasted, so ashamed, embarrassed, that I pulled away from all emotional attachements. I’ve become a superficial shell of the person I used to be and I miss me. I quit going to church because I didn’t want to hear people talking about my marraige and I didn’t trust other women. I didn’t feel that I could be honest with anyone.
I’m lost as to how to become open emotionally and really have deeper friendships. I’m struggling to get my relationship back with God as well. I know He has never left me, but I have trouble trusting. My daughter has encouraged me to attend her church and I am, but I haven’t managed to be open with anyone.
I pray together we can find the acceptance we crave from our heavenly father and maybe a few christian sisters
Tresa: God is patient. He is waiting patiently for you. Waiting for you to feel his acceptance and forgiveness. May you recognize the gentle nudges as you return to full confidence in him.
Penny: Yes, it is hard work! I am with you in looking deeper to figure out what is really behind my struggle. Blessings on your self-searching.
So, so much in this chapter that I’m still chewing on. But I really am clinging to this thought this week: “Because God’s love is perfect, I don’t have to be.” I’m praying I will be so confident in HIM that I will not fear taking off the mask of “I’m fine.” Thank you, Renee, for this book and this study here together : )
Hi and I loved your post …I am not fine and I just for ur book and signed up for this online study…
I am so excited to see how God uses this study in my lifew
Two years ago my oldest daughter who is 24 moved out with her 2 year old
Who is now 4 after we found out she is in a relationship
With another female…it has been a rough 2 years to say
The least and this last Sunday she told me via text to prentend she doesn’t
Exist because we don’t treat the lady she is with like she wants us too…of course there are so
Many details to the situation…like u said they aren’t important…but please pray for me and her. Thank you
I am praying for you and your family.
My “I’m Fine” mask gets RIPPED OFF my face when my youngest daughter who has some severe behavior disorders (ADHD, anxiety, and Oppositional Definance Disorder) misbehaves at school or in public. It is so hard to endure “the looks” from other parents who think that you just have a spoiled child and that you are a terrible parent. Sometimes I just wish I could hide behind the “I’m fine” mask.
This book study has been an encouragement to me. Life sometimes gets overwhelming and fine isn’t in the vocabulary to describe it. I shared recently in a blog post of mine of how my days had turned into a dry creekbed with no moisture filled with the debris of problems and situations that were out of my control. It is when we lean on Jesus through the problems, that He can wash away the debris that has piled up in our lives–the discouragement, despair and distress it all brings. He can wash away those things, just as a torrential downpour will remove the debris that has overtaken a small creek in the woods. He gives us grace to continue on.
It is in the storm and trials of life that we can learn the most.
The verse mentioned in Chapter 2, struck me as never before. John 17:3. “This is eternal life, that ye might know…” This relationship with God is of great value. How awesome that He has provided the way for us to have a personal relationship with Him. He knows us and wants us to know Him more.
The timing of this study…and this blog post couldn’t have come at a more perfect time. I signed up for this study before I found myself in the midst of “a storm”, but God knew this was right where I needed to be at this time. THANK YOU, THANK YOU! I am such a perfectionist and have gotten so good at the “I’m fine” routine. It’s amazing how it is effecting not only me, but those around me. God is showing me that it’s time, big time, to let go! Everywhere it’s hitting me in the face, “I don’t have to be perfect because HE is!” I will try to post my answers to the study questions later. Just had to share this now after reading Melanie’s words. Beautiful and much needed!
I say “I’m fine” too while in reality I cope with an alcoholic ex-husband (ex for 18+ years but still effects my children), the loss of a son 8 years ago, and my bi-lateral lung transplant now 3 years, 4 months. I can’t change those things that happened but because of them, I am closer to God. My hope, trust and faith in Him give me strength to cope and live with a positive attitude. So, I may hide or mask the details from others since most do not understand until they experience these difficulties themselves; however, I don’t think I’m hiding God’s grace. I do believe others can see how He shines through me and works in my life because of my “I’m fine” attitude and also the fact that the new lungs, by God’s grace, are agreeing with me. When I’m not so fine, God hears it all and sometimes my sister. Then, “I’m fine” again!
I just wanted to say it is well with my soul, because of the love of the Lord, calling those things as thou they were!.
I took off my mask…Tuesday night… I was suppose to be speaking at our Ladies meeting at church…the Lord kept speaking to my heart to give my testimony. “But I don’t have a testimony Lord…not a ‘good’ one like everyone else…what in the world am I suppose to say?” BUT my dear friend, I DO have a testimony! A 6 page testimony to be exact! 🙂 I do have a testimony but I was too afraid to take off my mask and admit it to anyone…that changed Tuesday night…and let me tell you…God has used my testimony time and time again already and it has only been 3 days since I was obedient… I have had several women come to me with a similar story…all it took was my act of obedience! So please…my sweet sisters in Christ, lets take off our masks and let God heal our hearts!
Oh Tasha!!!!!! I am so glad you shared this. What a powerful testimony to our obedience and our willingness to be real. All of God’s girls need to know we are not alone and that others have been through what we’ve been through so we can encourage on another. I’m so glad you shared your God-story – all 6 pages of it!! Praise HIM – He is so worthy!!
Tasha,
So glad to hear you took off your mask to share your personal testimony with others. That took courage and I know brought change to your life and others.
Amen!