This week, I think we’ve all come to realize we’re not the only ones who find it hard to let people know how we’re really doing. As I shared this week in Chapter 2, sometimes I think we tell people we’re fine even when we’re not, because we want to be. Or we hope that by saying we are fine, eventually we will be. Other times we act like we’re fine because others expect us to be. And I love how so many of you admitted you also have days when hormones or grumpy-ness trump all good manners and anyone within ten feet knows you are not fine. In fact, what you really meant in code is that you are Frazzled, Irritated, Neurotic, and Exhausted! Today, I want to introduce you to my friend, Melanie from Only a Breath. She’s the one who created our really cute Online Study blog button (see my sidebar if you want one)! And, she’s also leading A Confident Heart online study. Today she shares soemthing she wrote on her blog. I love how she challenges us to take off the “I’m Fine” mask and be real with God, each other and especially ourselves about how we’re really doing.
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… She walks the hallway, fighting back tears that threaten to well up again. It’s been a long night, filled with betrayal and disappointment. Her future is uncertain. Back at the office, she tries to maintain normalcy. When eyes met, she is faced with another routine, “How are you?” “I’m fine”, she answers, with a plastic smile that hides her pain. … Across town, a young father shakes hands with the fourth interviewer that month. “Thank you for your time.”he says. On the way home, his wife calls to see if there’ s any hope for the job they’ve been praying for…for so long. They have mouths to feed, children to raise, a car on its last miles… “It will be fine”, he assures her. As he hangs up, he hangs his head in despair. … A young, single mom cuddles her baby on the park bench. She holds her boy close, surrounded by happy couples with smiling children. She never expected to raise her child alone. The pain is sometimes too much to bear. Will she ever feel that she belongs? That she is wanted? Loved? Beautiful? “We will be fine she whispers into his soft ear, surrounded by whisps of fine, brown hair. “I’m fine…” “We’re fine…” “Doing great…” In Chapter 2, Renee invites us to take off the “I’m fine” mask. But she also acknowledges just how scary it is to expose the pain that keeps us up, haunts us like nightmares, and threatens each breath of hope. … but we’re fine. Or are we? Could we take off the mask that we, especially as Christians, live the “fairy tale”? We are certainly blessed, in every circumstance guarded by the Father, but honestly, in the deepest parts, we aren’t fine. I’m not fine. If I took off the “I’m fine” mask, would you think less of me, or would you think I’m … human? We don’t have it all under control, and I can’t help but think that when we act like we do, we basically tell God that we don’t need him. We’ve got this. By pretending we’re “fine” we tell others something must be wrong with them if they are hurting… because we certainly are not hurting. We’re fine. What if we let someone else in? What if we said, “I’m hurting, and the details aren’t important, but would you please pray for me? I would really appreciate that.” Could that help them, in return, reach out to someone else when they are hurting? Do we need to grant one another permission to not be fine? Could we come broken before the Father, and cry out for His mercy and strength? He did promise to never leave us or forsake us. Even when we don’t feel it, could we still cling to His promise and claim it? He knows we’re not fine. Could the trials be the very thing that break the strings holding on our mask, allowing it to fall to the ground so we cling to Him a little tighter? The truth is… We aren’t fine… We are forgiven. We aren’t in control… We are held by the hands that control our very heartbeat. We aren’t invincible… We are made to look to the only One who can heal the broken. As a sisterhood of hearts seeking our confidence in HIM, let’s take off our masks today. At least here with each other. And maybe with just one other person we meet this week. I have a feeling someone needs to see the battle wounds and scars we carry in order for them to stop pretending and seek His help too.
And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9
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Thank you so much Melanie, for reminding me again today that God’s grace is sufficient. Today I need HIS strength to be made perfect in my weakness. For the truth is… I am not fine. Well, yes I am….Frazzled, Irritated, feeling a little Neurotic and totally Exhausted. I’ll share more in the comments. But I don’t want you all worrying about me. Life is just hard sometimes at our house, just like it is at yours. I think it’s important that you know that. Just because I’m in ministry and have written a book doesn’t insulate me from trials. In fact, it almost guarantees them. BUT God’s grace can be my sufficient… if I let it be. Today’s Assignment:
- Finish reading chapter 2 and answer end your of chapter questions.
Connect in Community:
- Please share answers to a few questions of your choice from the end of Chapter 2 in our comments today. Just click “Share Your Thoughts” below this post, and do just that. (Remember if you are reading this in an email, click on the title at the top of the post to go back to my website to connect and communicate with our group. This is such a valuable part of this study. My favorite part!!)
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I am grateful that Christ died on the cross for everyone of us, but I love how Renee stated it on page 43.
“He (Jesus) won’t leave a notice on our front door, but He did leave Himself as a love letter nailed to the cross of Calvary, declaring the depth of His perfect love.” I love the image that language leaves me! Thank you!
Amen! Beautiful!
It is kind of funny to me reading chapter two and discussing the I’M Fine phrase…I want to share what God prompted me to write November 12, 2011 on my blog Grace and Love;
A RAY of HOPE!
Holding onto the HOPE from God, sometimes is the only thing that can get us through the day, the moment, the minute, or the hour! I share this picture with you as it was shared with me on face book to give you a reminder to “put your HOPE in GOD”.~Psalm 42:5 NIV
We all have bad days if we are honest with ourselves, we are not always the upbeat people that we portray ourselves to be at church “HEllO how are you” oh we are “FINE” how are you…why do we do this to ourselves…when there are times we are crying inside for some relief, we are having a massive anxiety attack because we are waiting on test results, we hide behind the word FINE or OK…Let me encourage you to start hiding behind HOPE…HOPE in the one true friend that will never judge you no matter what you say, the one constant that is waiting to hear your most desperate plea, the FATHER that will never leave you nor forsake you…Next time you are ready to say FINE (and you are really NOT) try saying HOPEFUL…
HOPE~ a four letter word that can bring peace to the heart…..The FATHER is there for YOU all you have to do is pray….HE will never have a busy signal, HE will never have customer service answer the phone for HIM…HE is always WANTING to HEAR from HIS CHILDREN…
HOPE~ my HOPE for you is that you have been encouraged, comforted, or your day is a little brighter because you stopped by LOVE & GRACE today!
I am waiting, I am expecting LORD open the FLOODGATES of HEAVEN you know my most inward wants, desires and needs and I am waiting in the HOPE of YOU LORD!
SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT~
~The next time you ask someone “How are you?” Do you have the time to listen they just might need someone to talk to? We are so busy in our lives and take for granted the moments of LIFE that often get missed that we could have been a blessing to someone. ~
Just wanted to share!! God is doing amazing things in me, with this study, with learning how to love myself correctly, not expecting myself to be perfect (all of time) Learning that some hurst still need to heal and that is ok because it is a process.
Thank you, Renee!!
I want to try that! “I am hopeful!” Great idea!
Thanks!
Thank you for sharing! Great idea!
Wow what an amazing response. Thank you for sharing. HOPE is alive with Jesus and we just have to stay focused on HIm and Trust in HIm no matter what circumstances we may be dealing with.
What great truths. Thanks for sharing.
Love this…..How are you? I am hopeful!! Awesome. Thanks for sharing this.
I LOVE THIS!!!! Thank you for sharing!!!
Hugs,
Melanie
I am going to do that too. Thanks for the idea to sit down and really listen to someone. I know someone in particular at dialysis I need to share with that God is there for him.
It felt really good to talk with this man today. We talked about our feelings, and shared with each other how God was healing us from being on dialysis. All I can say WOW he has a testimony and I loved to hear it. He has come a long way and he praises God every step of the way!
Funny how I used to just make small talk with him and not really tell him what God has done in my life, and now I am inspired and realize I need to do more for God while I am there.
When he left he told me that he was glad that I talked to him today about God. It helped him to tell me his story.
I love your post MarisZ and I will have to try what you suggest—“HOPE” thank you for sharing it with all of us GOD BLESS
This is great! “I’m hopeful.” It is sure to elicit more than just the standard moving on in the conversation.
I like that! Thank you for sharing this with us!
I am SO guilty of saying “fine and whatever” to mask my emotions and how I am truly feeling so that people don’t pity me or make me feel worse. I need to stop caring what other people think and I need to let my emotions out. I am NOT fine- I am up to my eyeballs with depression and stress, I am not fine! It feels good to get that out and I am going to be making it a habit to let it all out at the proper time and stop saying “whatever and fine”.
Jeana — I’m praying for you, sweet friend! It’s okay to just not be okay. 🙂 In fact, in my darkest moments is when God has shined His love in the strongest way! Praying for you and trust God for a miracle!
love and prayers,
Melanie
No, I am not fine. I am raising my teen girls alone. I never expected to be doing this alone. Their father is by no means a “daddy”. His contribution is only the small child support we receive. I just now realized that I am still angry that after 22 yrs together he could desert us. Or maybe it’s anger at him not helping with the current situatuion. Our 13 yr old is refusing to go to school. I pulled her out of public and put her in a private school before thanksgiving. Now she is literally making herself sick over going to school. I wish I could retire from teaching and just be a mom and homeschool her the rest of the year, but I can’t afford to financially.. I wish I could retire even if her schooling wasn’t an issue. We consolidated schools this year, and it is just more than I can deal with. i am not used to students who are such behavior problems…and so advanced in age for 5th grade. This is all just more than I handle.
I have been through the same situation. I am a single mom and a teacher. I did not get support, just a lot of heartache from my ex. I raised/am raising 3 children alone. They are now 25, 24, and 15. It was and is tough, but I have put my trust in God. At one time, I was having a difficult time because I had to travel about 45 minutes to my work which made it difficult when I needed to be home quickly for my children and I prayed God would help me. After 6 years, He opened a door for me to transfer to a school 7 miles from my home. This was awesome. What I am saying is trust God, reach out to Him and hold His Hand, He will walk you through this “valley”. I will be praying for you Jody. You can email me with prayer requests and I will pray for you. [email protected]
Jody, my heart just breaks for you. I am so so sorry to hear of all you’re facing. I’m joining our sister Nina in praying earnestly for you. Please don’t lose hope. If I can do ANYthing, please feel free to email me ANY time. I’m praying for your children and trusting God to work a miracle. Love to you!
Hugs,
Melanie
Thank you so much for today’s post… and for your book. I have struggled with “being fine” for a long time. It is really kind-of odd that it is something of a pet peeve of mine when someone tells me that they’re fine and I know that they can’t possibly be. All of a sudden I am seeing that I have been doing that exact same thing for probably all of my life!! I feel like I have been trying to rid my friends of their splinter with a plank in my own eye. Thank you for helping me see more clearly.
I have always been the strong one, the one with her head on straight, the one with the perfect life, the one everyone else turns to for help and counseling. I guess I have never felt like I have been permitted to not be fine. I have thought for a long time that this is not a big deal… I can be fine to everyone and not fine at night when I am alone and everyone else is in bed. My walls are starting to crack and I am scared and , quite honestly, somewhat relieved. Thank you for helping me to see that being human and imperfect is not only acceptable but a place that we are called to by our loving heavenly Father.
I can SO relate to your comment. I also like to pride myself on having things “all together” for everyone else, but there comes a time that we all have to strip off the mask…. especially in front of God. Beautiful comment — thank you!
Blessings,
Melanie
Thanks so much for sharing these words about “I’m fine.” They’ve been my words most of my life, even when I’ve been too sick to get out of bed and too anxious to know what to do with myself. A good friend even gave me a bookmark with a cat lying on its back, all four legs splayed, bearing the caption, “I’m fine. Really.” In the last couple of years I’ve started becoming more honest. But it’s a hard battle! I publish the blog posts which are daringly honest about my struggles and how God speaks into them, and then all too often I wrestle with having been so honest. Thanks for the reminder that our honesty opens us up to God, and also creates space for others to know it’s okay for them to be honest about their struggles too. May I share these thoughts from my “past life” (before chronic illness) when I was a doctor delivering babies? I’ve found it so helpful to be reminded that God is not afraid of my mess. . . it’s only me that prefers to hide behind “I’m fine.” http://hearingtheheartbeat.wordpress.com/2011/01/25/when-you’re-ashamed-of-the-mess/
Carolyn, thank you for sharing your website! I can relate so much!
LOVE this quote: “God is not afraid of my mess” LOVE love. Thank you for sharing your website! I’m heading over there to “meet” you! 🙂
Hugs,
Melanie
I am slow! I just now realized that Frazzled, Irritated, Neurotic, Exhausted = FINE!
LOL.
Took me a little bit too….. and I though my blond was just “highlights” 😉 HA!!
Hugs,
Melanie
I’m going to confess that I have to get caught up this weekend. We had a power outage for several days, and things got really crazy. So I have a lot to catch up on. I finally got a chance to connect here!
Hi Ruth, we’re glad you are here! No pressure. Just read, highlight the points that resonate with you and take your time to answer the questions. Each chapter is a layer so please take time for chpt 1 and 2. Hugs and blessings!!
Praying everything calms down for you, Ruth! I know you’ll be so blessed by this book! Praying for you!
Hugs,
Melanie
Renee,
We may never meet but you wrote this book for me, for where I am at in my life and where I want to be. I am not fine and I don’t have it together. More times than not, I feel like a failure. I prayed for so long tonight and realized that I feel this way because I am believing the lies of the devil and not the promises of God. I am thanking God for you tonight. This is exactly what I needed. God bless.
-Laura
I feel 100% the same Laura! Thank you so much Renee. As I said in a past post, God had you write this book so that I would hear him speaking to me. God bless you! 🙂
YES! In fact, I told Renee it was like she read my private journals!!! 🙂 God certainly has a message to send to “His girls” and I’m praying for many receptive heart (including mine) to hear it. Praying for you!
Blessings,
Melanie
It was so nice to open my e-mail today and read what Melanie wrote about saying “I’m Fine”. I definitely was not “fine” today and I really needed it. I need to finish reading chapter two and go through the questions. I really appreciate Renee’s ministry to women. I really need prayer to get through the next month. Life has brought challenges I didn’t think I would encounter so I am struggling to get through each and every day. I don’t feel comfortable sharing my “challenges” at this point but I feel like I’m on an emotional roller coaster. Right now I’m just trying to soak in Renee’s message through her book.
Thank you so much for your comment! I just can’t tell you how much that means to me! Praying for you tonight and trusting God to provide strength and peace in your heart.
Blessings,
Melanie
I can relate to the “I’m fine” mask. One Sunday in church one of my dear friends came up to me and asked how I was doing. As usual I said “I’m fine”. She then looked me straight in the eye and said, “Are you sure?” To be honest I was not fine, but I didn’t think anyone wanted to hear all the troubles I have been having. As I have grown in my faith I have come to find that if I don’t tell them how I really feel, I take that person’s opportunity to say, “No, I don’t want to hear it” away. Besides shouldn’t we be able to be honest with each other? I would also agree with another post that talked about pride. Am I being prideful by not telling someone the truth regarding my circumstances? After thinking about this I would say yes. I don’t want anyone to fix my curcumstances, I just want someone to listen and stand beside me in prayer. So, here it goes. This is as good a time as any to be honest. Maybe it will be freeing.
My husband and I have not been able to meet our morgage payment for 2 months. I have a feeling that things are beginning to turn around for us as he has been getting more work recently in his Construction business, but it may be too late. I would ask for prayer that God continue to bless his business and that our mortgage lender would be understanding in these circumstances.
I have seen so many miracles within the past two months. I just never thought a miracle could happen to me. I know this is not God’s truth. I ask for prayer regarding this as well. Blessings to all!
Thanks Renee for the enlightenment. God has truely blessed you!
Wendy, I think by you sharing your troubles is a very brave thing to do. Kudos to you. Not many people can a. come to terms with a struggle and b. tell anyone. I am praying for your husbands business as well as continued strength for you and your husband as you step into uncertainty.
Shelley
Hi Wendy — I appreciate your honesty SO much and can relate to what you are saying. I am praying with the other ladies that God will provide for your family financially and work out all of the details with your mortgage. You are loved and valuable to Him, and He cares about every detail of your life. Trusting Him with you for a miracle!
Hugs,
Melanie
Sam’s story inspired me also. I always grew up feeling like God was there pointing his finger at me whenever I failed like my dad did. That he was keeping score and I was on the failing side, but after reading Sam’s story I was so encouraged and saw Jesus in a different light. He loves me no matter what I have done, he is waiting there to comfort me, guide me and offer me hope for better if I will let him and trust in his words, his promises.
Like many others, I play the fine game too. I don’t really think that people really want to know how I am doing, they are just asking because that is the nicety that we are suppose to do. I don’t know how to tell others how I am doing because I don’t want them to think that I am a failure or that they won’t want to know me if they knew that I was insecure and not in control as much as I let them think I am in.
You are certainly not alone, MIssy. I think so many of us feel this same way. I’m praying that God will use this wonderful book to encourage your heart and bring you closer to Him.
Blessings,
Melanie
I am in the middle of a difficult situation in my marriage. I find myself wearing the I’m fine mask and wondering why! I have used this opportunity to open up to a few close girlfriends and let them know that I’m not fine right now. It just brings tears to my eyes to listen to them pray over me and what a relief to be able to be real about what is going on in my life right now. I’m on a very hard journey, but one that I know I’m on for a reason. God will provide wisdom and peace as I search for the next step to take. This study is helping me to place my trust in God and let Him build confidence in me that when He is enough, the rest will follow whatever that may be for His glory. Thank you for this forum to begin to be real and get rid of the I’m fine mask. I hope to continue to be able to do this more. Especially right now when things are NOT fine.
Michelle, my heart breaks for you. Please remember that God specializes in miracles when there seems to be no hope! Never lose hope, sweet friend! I admire your faith, and sometimes it’s okay to just not be okay.
Love & prayers,
Melanie
question 4 asked about our comfort level with a relationship so deep with God. Honestly I really really want to be comfortable with it, but I think it scares me a bit because I might hear things I don’t really think I want to hear at that moment. But maybe I’m wrong? Who knows?
I can definitely understand that. I don’t think you’re wrong at all. God longs to make our hearts more like His, so even if it’s scary, let’s go for it! You aren’t alone, and all of these wonderful ladies are praying right along with you! I can’t wait to read the comments at the end of this study!!! 🙂 I’m trusting Him for many miracles!
“THE MASK”, Over several years I have tried to be open and be real with people. Sometimes it’s hard when you have some type of leadership role in a bible study setting or the other one that I really struggle with is my own family who are not christians and they ask how are you and you really can’t be real with them because they can’t handle it. You see, I have a mental illness and my family (blood) can’t handle it, understand it or wants to. So, they really don’t want to hear how I am doing. My close christian friends I can share with and for the most part I can be honest-they don’t always understand my inner war but they listen. Then there are those who don’t know what to do when you are honest and share how you are feeling. This has caused me great disstress. I try to take the mask off but sometimes I feel I have to keep it on for my own protection. I want to be real and authentic as a christian but at what cost. This has caused great insecurity for me especailly right now having gone through a rough year of my mom passing and my sister causing much drama that has seperate us for now.
In chapter 2 the thing that has stood out for me right now comes out of the prayer of -Praying God’s Promises. This is my cry right now and I know God hears me. “When I feel insecure, insignificant, or unloved, remind me of Your perfect love that has the power to cast out fear.” People might not beable to handle me taking my mask off but I know my Heavenly Father does and that is something I need to hang onto and trust and believe. I want to be real, authentic and most of all I want to KNOW my Heavenly Father so that I don’t have to worry what other people think or say about me. This is so hard for me because I am a people pleaser. I hope this all makes since. This book is hitting the core of my insecurities and that is a good thing though it is very painful right now. I just want to belong.
Your comment is an important reminder to me that I not only need to take of MY “I’m Fine” mask, but also respond with love and encouragement when someone else shares their struggles with me. I’m so sorry to hear of the problems you are facing with your family. Praying for you! He loves you with an unfailing love.
Blessings,
Melanie
I’ve worn the “I’m fine” mask for years now. I went through a divorce a couple of years ago and I would just sit in my office with tears in my eyes, wondering how I was going to raise a teenager and toddler alone. I somehow always managed to put on a smile and seem strong to those around me, the entire time feeling like I was being torn apart. I would even tell myself and God I was fine, I was strong and I could do this. Now when I feel weak I cry out to God and tell Him I’m not strong, I’m broken and battered by the storms and I need Him. I’ve finally realized that God knows my weaknesses, pain, sorrows and desires. I’m not alone, I can take my mask off and reach out to God, he’s always there with open arms and assures me of His love and promises for me.
Oh, sweet friend, He is doing a good work in you right now! I am so excited to see how He moves in your life! My experiences in the pit of despair actually brought me closer to God than I could ever imagine. I encourage you to call out to Him and trust Him. I’m praying earnestly for you! If there is anything I can do, please feel free to email me!
Love to you,
Melanie
This chapter, heck this whole study, is so what I need right now in my life. My life is so far from fine right now. Issues with my children, my husband, our marriage – everything seems so completely skewed right now. I do have friends that I tell the actual story to. Thank GOD for my friends that really hear me when I say fine and they say “yeah right, let’s try that again… And this time leave out the fine” God has so blessed me and my life but I need to work on accepting it. Accepting his love, accepting his grace and mercy instead of punishing myself and tormenting myself with my expectations of everyone else BUT God. He is the one that matters. His love and his grace and his mercy – which are everlasting. That is where my focus should be. Thank you everyone for writing and sharing this study and your feelings. It is so unbelievably calming and comforting to know I’m not alone in my feelings.
Exactly!!! Yes, I could not have said it better! I also want to encourage you, Michelle, to not give up. NEVER give up hope. My marriage at one point hit the lowest low I could imagine, but God picked up the pieces and to my amazement, mended it to be stronger than before! He has worked in the most obvious and amazing ways in my life when I was at “rock bottom”. I’m praying for you!!!
Love and prayers,
Melanie
The quote that really pierced me is on page 41. ” Jesus is the only One who can meet our deepest needs to be accepted and delighted in simply because of who we are. We can offer nothing but our presence, and He will desire us just the same.” It goes along with my answer to Q4. I am comforted by the fact that God is a loving God who cares about the real me, even if I am Frazzled, Irritated, Neurotic, and Exhausted. Can I add at least one word to the FINE. EMOTIONAL = hormone issues!!
HA!!!! YES to the hormone issue!!! 🙂 Great point!
Hugs,
Melanie
I have to say that I signed up for this study but I was not able to get the book.
I’m still getting the emails, and so needed to hear this blog post today. I am living under the mask of “I’m fine” almost constantly right now. I’ve really been struggling emotionally, dealing with feelings of being unwanted and fear of being who God has made me and called me to be. This is something I’ve struggled off and on with for awhile. Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you for being open and encouraging us to drop our masks and be real with each other. This is truly a blessing and I’m so thankful God led me to your blog tonight.
Thank you for your comment! I just can’t tell you how much it means to me. I’m praying for you, Brooke, and please continue to trust Him! God’s got great plans for you, sweet friend!
Hugs,
Melanie
Yes…Gods grace is sufficient and as Renee states…if I let it be! Why do we struggle with this? I am a leader and a “fixer” by nature, while this can be a good quality it can also be a hinderance in my walk with God. Instead of turning things over to him and allowing him to handle or even asking for others to help I tend to play “the I am fine game” all the while living in turmoil! We play that game much like Sam did…avoiding others because we are afraid they will notice a weakness in us or avoiding the real answer to others questions about us. Why…insecuirty and and a lack of confidence. Praise God for this study as we learn our confidence will never be in ourselves but in the perfect love of Jesus Christ. A love that cast out all fears! I pray that each of us will respond to his perfect love and in this game of life be able to honestly and comfortably be ourselves….opening the door not just to be ministered to but realizing an open door is welcoming others to come in……others that may feel as if they have no where else to go! Yes, his grace is sufficient and all we have to do is accept it! May we continue to come to the true realization of this as we study together! Amen and blessings to all!
This is a great point! I tend to be a “type A” first-born, “leader” type too and so many times, I pride myself on having things “all together”. God can only use our lives, though, if we surrender control to Him alone…. and I am praying that He will help me to do this. Thank you for your comment!
Blessings,
Melanie