Today I want you to meet my brave and beautiful friend Lelia Chealey who shares her story of emptiness and how God redeemed her brokenness.
Italicized sentences are from Chapter 3 of A Confident Heart
Until our hearts find complete security and significance in God’s unconditional love, we will constantly turn to other lovers and never be satisfied.
Although I stood before family and friends professing my love and faithfulness to my husband, three years later I found myself trying to fill my emptiness in the arms of another man.
When the closed door of a previous relationship opened I ran through it. On Wednesday I was serving on our church’s youth team and by Saturday I was in between the sheets of a bed in a cheap hotel. The result of my affair led to a pregnancy I knew was from the other man since my husband had undergone a vasectomy.
Driving out of an abortion clinic and heading home to my unsuspecting husband, I wondered how I’d gotten to this place. Here I was a Christian wife and mom who had compromised my beliefs in more ways than one. Looking to fill my void with anything but Jesus, I walked further and further away from the One I needed most.
By being honest about her life and the lies she believed, she could start turning toward the Truth. She could bring the thirst of her heart to Him. Only then would she find confidence in the power of His love and start living in the security of His promises.
I ended my affair soon after the reality of my abortion set in. It shook my Jesus-loving heart to the core. One morning, after everyone was out of the house, I turned on some worship music, got down on my knees and began to sob. Raising my hands toward heaven, I told God, “If I lose everything – my marriage, my kids, my friends, my reputation, but I still have YOU, I’ll be okay.”
Admitting all the lies I had told and believed, I got gut-honest with God that day. And in that place of truth, I was set free and could then turn toward Jesus and away from my life of sin. Like Renee wrote, I could bring the thirst of my heart to Him. That’s what I did — I brought my parched soul to the only One capable of filling me and changing my mess of a life.
Three years later, I felt God leading me to tell my husband about my affair and abortion. We’d attended two marriage conferences during the in-between years and I couldn’t keep my secret any longer. Deep pain was evident on his face and in his tears. My heart broke once again over my affair as I listened to my husband process my choices.
Still in shock, he told me that while I was having my affair he too had been involved in one. I sat there stunned, silent and ticked off at God. How had He not prepared me for this moment of my husband’s truth? I felt instant emptiness, but this time I made the choice to bow my heart before Jesus and ask Him to help me.
Jesus came to give us more than salvation. He wants us to experience complete satisfaction in Him.
These words from chapter 3 resonate deeply with my soul. Although, I had attended Christian school from kindergarten though graduation in 1988; went to church on Sundays and returned on Wednesdays and knew countless Bible stories by heart, what I lacked was a relationship with my King.
Sitting there with my husband trying to process his unfaithfulness, God let me know He is the only One that could take my empty, broken heart and fill it with His unconditional love and confidence that I had sought in all the wrong places.
I love what Renee asked us this week, and how she encouraged us to write our own “when-then” statements:
So what do we do when our hearts start tossing and turning with emptiness and uncertainty? We need to stop and ask Jesus to help us see the worth we are placing in other things and the worth we are seeking in other people and shift our reliance to Him instead.
{Here are mine}
When I start to feel like my marriage is not giving me what I deserve then I will turn to God and ask Him to be my portion.
When I feel tempted to return to a life of emptiness and rely on my old patterns of comfort and fulfillment then I will praise God for what He has brought me from and remind myself that I am worthy of the sacrifice of the cross.
Lasting security comes when we bring the empty well of our hearts to Jesus and ask Him to fill and fulfill us with the security of His unfailing love.
It’s been nine years since the day of my and my husband’s confessions. Our marriage is far from perfect, but with God’s help we have walked through the process of forgiveness and restoration. My husband and I serve at a marriage conference every spring and God has used our mistakes to help other couples realize He is much bigger than any circumstance we face. He has also taken the shame and regret of my abortion and used it for His glory by calling me to be part of an abortion ministry, “Surrendering the Secret,” where I now serve as a leader.
I have no idea what your story it, but please believe this woman who almost lost everything for nothing. Jesus is worth seeking and giving Him a chance to fill up all the empty places of your life. If He can look at an unfaithful wife and compromising mom in Nebraska and see beauty instead of ugly then anyone is within reach of being embraced by His amazing grace.
You need to know that God wants you. There is no sin too heavy to stay nailed to the beams of the cross. You are the reason He trekked His way to Calvary and you are worth every step He took!
***
Thank you Lelia, for the courage and risk it takes tell your story – so raw, so real yet so full of His redemption. I see and love Jesus in you!
Your Turn: Will you take a minute to thank Lelia, and let us both know what has risen to the surface of your heart as you read her story or Chapter 3 this week? Just click “share your thoughts” below this post and do just that. Even sharing some of the answers to our end of chapter questions is great too. This is the place that truly connects us and makes our Confident Heart “community” so special. {Love you guys so much!} And if you are reading this via email, click here to visit my website and connect in community.
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thank you for sharing your story. although i am no longer married, i know the feeling of searching for something, someone to fill the “empty” spaces in my heart. when i found myself single after 16 years of marriage, i felt like such a complete failure & wanted to be whole again. i thought this could be found in another man fulfilling the loss of what i had in a “secure” marriage. needless to say, i haven’t found that “one”, but compromised my morals and belief in search of him. then as i began to really draw close to God & His word, I began to see that His son, Jesus shed His blood on Calvary for me…yes, just for me…me the heartbroken…me the worrier…me the fornicator…me…just me…just as I am….yes, JUST AS I AM…with this new found knowledge, I have turned to Him in ALL things and I feel so complete…No, I’m not there yet, still a work in progress, but I thank God that when I turn my insecurities over to Him, I feel so much better, have much more peace, and feel so much secure…i’m emerging as a new woman in Christ and am so much like SAM..thirsting after that Living Water! God Bless…
I am in awe that you chose to stay and so did your husband. Its amazing to me that God has touched you through your being honest and Him loving you unconditionally. I have believed so many lies thru being In marriages with men who did not love God as I was lead to believe. I was looking for unconditional love. I have been for forever it seems. I hurt so bad and most days I get angry that I was fooled. I wish I had known better and could have been spared so much pain and heartache. Not to mention my children. I want the shame and anger to leave me and never return. I want beauty for ashes. Thank you for your honesty.
I can so relate to this story. I too have things from my past that have haunted me. I have been married 3 times searching for love and acceptance. I too have had an abortion. I too have had an affair. In fact I have had many affairs. When I was 15 yrs old I was molested by a police officer who put a gun to my face. I felt so alone during this time in my life. When it was brought to the surface noone wanted to talk about it. My parents, my friends acted as though it never happened. I felt isolated and scared. I wanted to talk about it. Instead it just got swept under the rug. I began cutting myself with a knife to somehow take away the pain. I felt as though hurting myself was somehow hurting the man who did this to me. I couldn’t find God during this time in my life…feeling as though He had left me. Looking back, I think having the many marriages and the abortion was my way of running from God and running into the arms of any man who would make me feel good about myself… or at least for awhile. The “feeling good about myself” never lasted long. What I needed all along was God to hold me in his arms and tell me it will be okay and I will never leave you. At last, I am almost there. My relationship with God is better then it has ever been. I truly know He loves me and His love is all I need. He is enough!!
WOW!!!! Thank you for sharing your story with us!!! It was truly a blessing!!! I like so many others have turned to things that I shouldn’t have to fill me. Thank you again for sharing your story–it gives me hope!!
I remember Lysa saying in one of her books something along the lines of “blessed are the transparent, for they shall do mighty works for God.” May not be exact, but something like that. And that is what I thought of here. What a powerful testimony of God’s faithfulness and love. How it blesses my heart to see you willing to be so open, to put your heart and your story out there. I loved you already, but this makes me love you all the more.
I know the Lord is using your testimony to help Him break chains, to set captives free. Praying for you as you step out and minister truth and hope to others and praying for the hearts He wants to minister to deeply!
Much love,
K
Love you K!!!
Thank you to Lelia and all the ladies in this online study who have been so open with their hearts and their life experiences. I can definitely relate to what Renee says in chapter 3 about trying to gain fulfillment from everything and anything but Him. I need to remember:
“You’re been trying to earn your value in everything you’ve done. But you will never find the love you long for in anyone or anything but ME. I AM the unconditional love you are looking for.”
I too have been guilty of looking to others or things to fill in the emptiness I felt inside for so many years. Having suffered from sexual abuse as a child and an ongoing troubled relationship with my parents, I grew up to be a woman with many insecurities and needs. On the outside everything seemed perfect…but on the inside I was dying. When the emptiness became too much, I ultimately ended up doing something I would have never thought possible…I turned to alcohol and to the numbness it brought. This only further added to the emptiness I felt. But thank God he is God of redemption and restoration! I am happy to say it has been 3 months since I surrendered myself to God and truly accepted the love only He can give. I no longer see my self as unworthy or not good enough and fully embrace all that God has to offer.
I am so grateful for you Renee and all this bible study is doing for me! I so appreciate your words and wisdom. And a special Thank-you to Leila for sharing her story and being an example of the love and grace of God!
Renee and Lelia,
You both have risked much by sharing much this week. May God bless you and protect you as this is a very vulnerable place to be. This past week I had much struggle and interference with my schedule and have only today gotten to finish the week’s lessons. Our enemy truly is out there working hard to keep us from knowing how loved we are and living confidently. I would have avoided a lot of drama and tears if I were filled by God.
Lord, as women we do struggle with empty places and seeking to fill them in all the wrong ways. I ask for each of us that you would reveal to us how we are doing this. Then, I ask for a supernatural strength to turn away from those and run into Your arms. Help us to rest there allowing You to fill our hearts and heal our hurts.
First of all I’d like to say ” Happy Mother’s Day” to all my sisters in Christ 🙂
Thank you Lelia for sharing your deep and personal secret- you are amazing and I know you have been set free just by sharing your story with all of us.
Renee- The questions in chapter 3 I finally wrote out the answer and saw it for the first time on paper brought back a lot of sadness, emptiness,
Question 1:
What was the craziest thing you have ever done for love?
I tried to commit suicide by taking a bunch of pills and ended up in the hospital- all because my love at the time was having an affair, I felt so betrayed, so ugly, so un-wanted-un-loved.
You know still today I carry an emptiness- I keep searching for happiness all in the wrong places? I never shop for myself- but I feel a real low- I shop for jewelry-handbags that I NEVER would buy for myself, When I get them home I’m so excited & happy, but it’s so temporary? They are just stuff… and I know I can’t take it with me? I’ve always been a spiritually hungry Christian, trying to read His Word, doing devotionals, Even reading … I am now reading besides “A Confident Heart” a book called “The Happiness Makeover” by M.J. Ryan- I have also read “The Power Of Patience” — but why do I still feel empty- and when things go wrong I feel like me reading all these books is thrown right out the door? It’s like I haven’t learn a thing from these books. I know I need to learn how to fill up on Jesus… but my mind is always racing, I have so many negative thoughts that I can’t even pray correctly- most of the time I just talk with Him as if I was there. My relationship now is good- we’ve been together for 29 years BUT I am still not happy? I’m still searching as to WHY? I still feel that I’m suppose to be doing something more? I try to be accountable by memorizing scripture, by reading the bible, doing my devotions…. BUT… some days I feel I’m just going through the motions- some days I truly get it and some just a blur? I pray that by the end of this online bible study & reading “A Confident Heart”, that I can stop searching for happiness.
All the women who share- you are all so wonderful! I know it’s not easy to expose such personal experiences & hurts- It helps me feel that I’m not alone. My Love To You All!
Aloha from Hawaii xoxoxoxoxo
Donna
Thank you Lelia for sharing your story and how God is working in your family and marriage today!
I am a 43 year old mom of a 5 and 3 year old daughter, step-mom to two teenage boys and married to a much older atheist husband. I have been tempted by the enemy more than once to just leave this unhappy situation. Daily I struggle to keep my eyes on Jesus and to look to HIM for satisfaction. This morning I turned to our verse of the week (psalm 90:14) before I re-read your story; I really hope that God will reveal his unfailing love to me through this study.
There is a line in Renee’s book that I don’t want to forget either….”Salvation is a one-time decision, but finding satisfaction in Christ and living in the security of His promises is a daily process”.
I pray that each person participating in this study will experience God’s unconditional love in a powerful way.
Happy Mother’s Day Renee and Lelia
Karen (from Canada)
Beautiful, Beautiful story of God’s Redeeming Love!
Great Job Lelia!!
And thank you darling friend Renee, for allowing her to share,
Love you both,
pat
Thank you for your support! Love you too Pat, my STS mentor! XO
I am a 50-year old, never-been-married, single mom to a 16yo son. I grew up in a Christian home. Received Christ into my heart as a 5-year old Kindergartner at Christian school, a school I attended K-8. I went to public HS, then 4 years of Christian college. You’d THINK I was a healthy, Christ-centered person! Nope. My earthly father was a very distant person, not around a whole lot because he worked hard, as well as emotionally distant. I believe Renee points out in her book, and I have read it elsewhere before, that much of how we view Father God comes from how we view our earthly fathers. I believe this was my basis for how I tried so hard to be loved by men, often times placing myself into un-healthy relationships. After having several “flings” with married men, I met yet another married man who I fell totally head-over-heels in love with. I believed he loved me, too. When you view yourself as being “un-loveable”, it is pretty amazing how the desperation causes you to believe something that is NOT TRUE. Looking back on it now I am just amazed at how stupid I was. Long story short, I got pregnant at age 34, thought he would leave his wife, he never did, I got pregnant by him again 5 years after our son was born, still thinking he would leave his wife (HELLLOOOOO! Gaaa,..I was so blinded.)! I miscarried baby #2 and I have to be thankful for that because I was actually going to abort as I could not face my family for a 2nd time and admit to them how lost and misguided I STILL was. I am also thankful because the miscarriage opened my eyes and I made the decision to STOP obsessing over this man..he was NEVER going to love me as he claimed he did. Finally, after my son’s dad left the wife and re-married another woman who I knew nothing about (this man was seeing multiple women besides me the entire time we were “together”), I stopped believing all his lies. My son was 10 and I had been raising him alone with no support. I got myself into court and have been receiving child support ever since. (My son’s dad chose to have no relationship with his only son.) Through it all, God has been leading down a road that led to “A Confident Heart.” I am in a great church, I have wonderful friends who love me as I am, faults and ugly past and all. My son is a great kid – God truly protected him. I have a terrific job. But soon my son will be joining the Marine Corp and I will be…..alone. God has taken away the utter desperation I always felt as a younger woman to be MARRIED. So, “having a man” is not my goal any longer. Truthfully, I am thankful to be single after seeing first hand some awful marriages and reading here about how incredibly hard it actually is to BE married. But…where will God place me after my son graduates HS and moves on? This is my wonderment now, ut I am excited to see where God leads. I thank you Lelia for sharing a story that is REAL. I sometimes think I am the only Christian woman who has blown it. Clearly, I am not. All you women who have shared tough stories – THANK YOU. There are REAL and HURTING women all around us, aren’t there?? Why do we try and pretend that we are OK? Why do we think other women will SURELY reject us if we tell our “true” story? Why do look down our noses at other broken women and “tsk tsk” them for making mistakes? Why do we become so prideful and think that we are any better than other women? I am so grateful that God is opening my eyes to SO MUCH. I am sitting here at my desk just praying that God works in & through each life that shared on this blog and I pray that God continues to use women like Renee and Lalia to keep reaching other women who need to hear all these words and more from our precious Savior. We are all SO WORTHY to be loved and cherished by HIM, our King of Kings, who created us in HIS image. I pray that I can believe in this love more an more every day and that you all will as well!! HAPPY MOTHER’D DAY.
As a child, I was sexually abused by my father. I just realized as I was reading this article, that I want my husband to be all of those things my father never was. I want him to be communicative, open, honest, forgiving, willing to seek the Lord. Not that he isn’t most of those things, but somehow I feel that their should be an emotional bonding/closeness that just doesn’t exist. Now I need to ask my Heavenly Father to show me what is reasonable to expect from my husband and what is not and to continue to pray not only for my husband’s desire to be involved in a close relationship w/Christ, but where mine is lacking; where I have placed too heavy a burden on my husband’s unsuspecting shoulders and not taken enough to my Abba Father. Wow! Is God amazing or what? He reveals if we take time to ask and listen. Thank you, Jesus!
Hi Ladies,
I have been late in posting simply because I feel like I am the ONLY ONE filling my emptiness with
buying things–anything and everything. I am obsessed with the good feeling I get when I buy anything,
but, it subsides, so off I go to buy something else. Does anyone else have this solution to emptiness?
I heard once that there is a GOD-shaped hole in your soul that only GOD can fill. I know in my head this
is true. But then the temptation to fill it up overwhelms me again. That feeling I get as I buy is one that
GOD could be filling. When I want to fill my emptiness with “things”, I will ask GOD to give me a feeling
of “enough” with his love. Now, the hard part is to put that into my heart from my head. I have been
trying but again that feeling I get in buying is so overwhelming….I am truly enjoying and learning from
this study. I will pray that we all move to closer to GOD and his promises for us. Happy Mother’s Day!
hi susan…perhaps 😉 you might be the only one to fill that ‘God-shaped hole’ with purchases and shopping but you are far-far-far from the only one trying to fill that emptiness. and, you are so right: ‘the hard part is to put that into my HEART from my HEAD…’ as always, the Lord is not looking for us to do things on our own! He wants us to have the desire to change and to recognize our overwhelming need for His help…which He is faithful to provide. true? <3
Oh sweet Susan, you are NOT the only one who tries to fill her emptiness shopping. You may feel that way because turning to people and men is the focus of this blog post based on Lelia’s story. But I think we all look to a variety of people, things and activities. I have looked for love in all the wrong faces, looked for life in all the wrong places and went shopping for stuff to fill my empty spaces. Yes, I have tried them all and none can fill us up.
I hope, if you didn’t already, you’ll watch the video I posted on Weds where I share the many ways we try to fill our emptiness and how we can go to Jesus and ask Him to be our enough. Here’s a link: http://reneeswope.com/2012/05/letting-god-fill-our-empty-places/
I think it would really encourage you. :0)
Susan,
Before confessing my affair I was without the other man, an empty marriage and dealing secretly with the choice of abortion and I too shopped. Wracked up $15,000 worth of credit cards. I tell you, I do not know why Gene stuck with me through so much, only by God’s grace, but we now are credit card debt free. It took me so long to realize that Jesus Christ is the only One capable of filling my emptiness. I have to daily turn to Him.
Please watch Renee’s video she suggested because it is so encouraging and such a powerful visual!!!
Praying for you!
Lelia
Thank You Lelia for your testimony. We all have one, but are afraid or ashamed to tell our story. my testimony is Jesus delivered me from a drug addiction and prostitution. I really was afraid to repent this time because the enemy told me that I was going to relapse again, that He is totally done with you and it would be a waste of time. So I prayed for deliverance again and asked Him to do it because I can’t do this. And I told Him about my fear of relapsing. OMG! He is doing everything.
He brought this book to me at the right time. He brought everything to me at the right time. Put me in a church that I can grow. When it is God ‘s timing can’t nothing stop it. I go to Him first in everything I do and I do mean everything! It is critical to let God lead you. I read the Truth everyday in the am and pray. I told Him I did not know how to pray effectively, so quess what? He has been showing how to pray from the truth also I had a book on praying in tongues on my book shelf. After I read your book. I was like I need something to read and came staight to this book on how to pray with power by praying in tongues. Everything is just lineing up for me to stay strong while my mind is being renewed. I have been clean for two months and I am so free right now. That fear of going back gone.
GLORY BE TO THE MOST HIGH GOD. I hope that you can understand my writing. I thank God for you, Renee. It was so not about you but it was for us who need to change our mind and be freed from doubt,shame and fear. I love you and all the women who can tell their story and free others. God Bless You!
Thanks to all you wonderful ladies for sharing. It is so good to know that there are so many of you who struggle with the same things. I too tried to fill myself up with everything but God. I got married at 19 to an abusive alcoholic man. Having been adopted as a baby I went through my childhood feeling rejected and feared abandonment. I thought if I just had a husband to love me I would be okay. I knew in my heart that this relationship was wrong when I found out that he had been previously married with five children. Needless to say after about 5 years of marriage he cheated on me and left me alone with 2 children. I have never seen or heard from him again. During this dark time of my life a girlfriend led me to Christ. It only I had known then to be filled with Him but I continued to seek fullfillment in men. I have been married to my husband now for 17 years. This time I put up walls around my heart to make sure I am never hurt again. I am extremely critical and angry at him and even though I ask God to help me to change the way I am treating my husband, it continues and I feel extremely guilty. I am now filling the voids with alcohol which numbs the pain temporarily but causes the guilt cycle to continue. I am so thankful for A Confident Heart and for this study as it is opening my eyes to so many things that I believe God wants me to know.
Happy Mother’s Day to all!
Thank you God for giving Lelia the strength and the words to share her story. Lelia, your story is my story with an ending still being worked out by God…His timing, my waiting. Renee and Lelia, you both have created the puzzle border of God’s love for His daughters. We are now bringing the pieces; the colourful, the plain, the mis-shapen, and even the ones that look like they don’t fit or belong [from our own broken perspective]; and are placing them in the frame of God’s healing and love. I pray that as each piece is linked together to reveal our awesome God’s love, everyone who has shared their piece will find God’s everlasting peace knowing that they are a part of His big picture. Let’s keep building this puzzle so we can share in the finished work and be ready for the next one God has in store for us. God’s blessings to all and thanks be to you Father.
hi gloria…what a beautiful picture—that of the puzzle border that renee and leila have made and we each are filling in with the pieces from our individual lives! praying along with you for the revelation of God’s love in our lives as He shows us His big picture! thanks! <3
Wow Lidia, talk about touching the nail point, it is hard when you feel that no own is there for you including God, sometime back i had funds to do whatever go whereever but never cared about loosing it or feeling empty, friends needed help they call on me family loosing home the called on me, my kids got the best of everything i never had, at some giving time God start taking it away, but i run to a friend for help in time of jams, after awhile he wanted sex in exchange (did not that till after learning he was married and when i ask for help with anything and did not feel like having sex he will leave with the money) i trues that after i while going back to church, i started noticing that i rather have nothing and not be used so i called him and told him i dont what his help anymore, i dont know when but God start working with me by leading me to His blessing all i had to do was obey the voice and trust Him, at time when things dont move fast enough i am tempted to call that friend for help or he happeness to show up offering help and then i remeber God will help me if i dont go off track and trust only Him, I learn to let God be in control no lie at time i try to take control (its hard when from small you only depended on you to get by) but later in the day i make sure i did not step out of place were God is concern, i need His unconditial love to fill my emptiness for with others there is always a catch or a price where with Him its just pure love.
God bless you all
Angie, thank you sharing. I am quite sure there are others who have been where you where. I thank the Lord for stepping into your heart and for you accepting his love and guidance. But it is true, we all seem to have to get to a point in our lives where we need and desire the Lord, might have been a loss of a loved one, or a bad marriage ect. but the important part is that we all know and share Gods unfailing love, His forgiveness and His blessing.I will pray for you, for your are right, no one or no thing can fill the emptiness in our hearts but Christ. God Bless
Lelia and Renee,
These posts and God’s redemption and mercy have touched me deeply. It’s just so hard to believe/trust that there is a God who loves me this much and whose grace and mercy can cover my sins and wrongdoings.
I am at a loss for words. Can you please pray that this Living Water will become an abiding Reality for me? (I want to see myself and others and this world through our Father’s loving eyes.)
With deepest thanks for who you are and for sharing your stories,
Grace
Thank you for sharing, thank you for exposing yourself naked before GOD and strangers… I pray more christians would be as honest with our walk and sruggles in christ, as you have just done. What the enemy ment for evil GOD turned this into something awesome. I know this experience will help so many other couples. God Bless you.. Lelia