Today I want you to meet my brave and beautiful friend Lelia Chealey who shares her story of emptiness and how God redeemed her brokenness.
Italicized sentences are from Chapter 3 of A Confident Heart
Until our hearts find complete security and significance in God’s unconditional love, we will constantly turn to other lovers and never be satisfied.
Although I stood before family and friends professing my love and faithfulness to my husband, three years later I found myself trying to fill my emptiness in the arms of another man.
When the closed door of a previous relationship opened I ran through it. On Wednesday I was serving on our church’s youth team and by Saturday I was in between the sheets of a bed in a cheap hotel. The result of my affair led to a pregnancy I knew was from the other man since my husband had undergone a vasectomy.
Driving out of an abortion clinic and heading home to my unsuspecting husband, I wondered how I’d gotten to this place. Here I was a Christian wife and mom who had compromised my beliefs in more ways than one. Looking to fill my void with anything but Jesus, I walked further and further away from the One I needed most.
By being honest about her life and the lies she believed, she could start turning toward the Truth. She could bring the thirst of her heart to Him. Only then would she find confidence in the power of His love and start living in the security of His promises.
I ended my affair soon after the reality of my abortion set in. It shook my Jesus-loving heart to the core. One morning, after everyone was out of the house, I turned on some worship music, got down on my knees and began to sob. Raising my hands toward heaven, I told God, “If I lose everything – my marriage, my kids, my friends, my reputation, but I still have YOU, I’ll be okay.”
Admitting all the lies I had told and believed, I got gut-honest with God that day. And in that place of truth, I was set free and could then turn toward Jesus and away from my life of sin. Like Renee wrote, I could bring the thirst of my heart to Him. That’s what I did — I brought my parched soul to the only One capable of filling me and changing my mess of a life.
Three years later, I felt God leading me to tell my husband about my affair and abortion. We’d attended two marriage conferences during the in-between years and I couldn’t keep my secret any longer. Deep pain was evident on his face and in his tears. My heart broke once again over my affair as I listened to my husband process my choices.
Still in shock, he told me that while I was having my affair he too had been involved in one. I sat there stunned, silent and ticked off at God. How had He not prepared me for this moment of my husband’s truth? I felt instant emptiness, but this time I made the choice to bow my heart before Jesus and ask Him to help me.
Jesus came to give us more than salvation. He wants us to experience complete satisfaction in Him.
These words from chapter 3 resonate deeply with my soul. Although, I had attended Christian school from kindergarten though graduation in 1988; went to church on Sundays and returned on Wednesdays and knew countless Bible stories by heart, what I lacked was a relationship with my King.
Sitting there with my husband trying to process his unfaithfulness, God let me know He is the only One that could take my empty, broken heart and fill it with His unconditional love and confidence that I had sought in all the wrong places.
I love what Renee asked us this week, and how she encouraged us to write our own “when-then” statements:
So what do we do when our hearts start tossing and turning with emptiness and uncertainty? We need to stop and ask Jesus to help us see the worth we are placing in other things and the worth we are seeking in other people and shift our reliance to Him instead.
{Here are mine}
When I start to feel like my marriage is not giving me what I deserve then I will turn to God and ask Him to be my portion.
When I feel tempted to return to a life of emptiness and rely on my old patterns of comfort and fulfillment then I will praise God for what He has brought me from and remind myself that I am worthy of the sacrifice of the cross.
Lasting security comes when we bring the empty well of our hearts to Jesus and ask Him to fill and fulfill us with the security of His unfailing love.
It’s been ten years since the day of my and my husband’s confessions. Our marriage is far from perfect, but with God’s help we have walked through the process of forgiveness and restoration. My husband and I serve at a marriage conference every spring and God has used our mistakes to help other couples realize He is much bigger than any circumstance we face. He has also taken the shame and regret of my abortion and used it for His glory by calling me to be part of an abortion ministry, “Surrendering the Secret,” where I now serve as a leader.
I have no idea what your story it, but please believe this woman who almost lost everything for nothing. Jesus is worth seeking and giving Him a chance to fill up all the empty places of your life. If He can look at an unfaithful wife and compromising mom in Nebraska and see beauty instead of ugly then anyone is within reach of being embraced by His amazing grace.
You need to know that God wants you. There is no sin too heavy to stay nailed to the beams of the cross. You are the reason He trekked His way to Calvary and you are worth every step He took!
***
Thank you Lelia, for the courage and risk it takes tell your story – so raw, so real yet so full of His redemption. I see and love Jesus in you!
Let’s Connect: Will you take a minute to thank Lelia, and let us both know what has risen to the surface of your heart as you read her story or as you read Chapter 3 this week? {REMEMBER: you are reading this via email, click here to visit my website and connect in community.}
Under this post, click “share your thoughts” and do just that. Also, feel free to share some answers to your end of chapter 3 questions. I treasure this space that connects our hearts! {Love you guys so much!}
Leila, thank you for being such an example to me and so transparent. It was like I was reading my story. I too had an affair and an abortion. Unfortunately, we have never recovered from this or my husbands struggles. We are still struggling 25 years later and I don’t know if our marriage will survive.
This bible study has spoken so deeply to my heart. When you have been hurt so much, you begin to believe you are not worth anything. When people continually leave you, you start to believe you’re not worth staying for.
I know God loves me and believes I’m worth it because He gave His life for me. No one else would do what only He did and can do. Knowing and believing are two different things, but I’m working on it. No matter what direction my marriage takes, I have to rely on Jesus. He has never left me and his promises are for me too.
Oh Sandy, I so relate! I hope and pray that you both can get to the place God wants your marriage to be. One tool that has been extremely powerful in our marriage is Family Life’s Weekend to Remember conference. We have been involved in that for years. But we can read the Bible, “A Confident Heart” and attend all the marriage conferences we can, but if we don’t apply what we learn it’s just head knowledge. Not saying that is true about your marriage, but that is where we were and life took a different turn when we learned that God actually wanted us to apply what we learn into our marriage and our individual walk with Him.
This what you said here: “When you have been hurt so much, you begin to believe you are not worth anything. When people continually leave you, you start to believe you’re not worth staying for.”
And then you went on to say knowing and believing are 2 different things. One thing I have learned from Renee is that I have a cross on my nightstand (my daughter bought it at Hobby Lobby) and I have note cards & every time something comes to my mind that I know is not from God (knowledge), I write it on a note card and on the opposite side counteract it with a truth from God’s word,. So one side, I list my worry, or negative thought and other side, TRUTH. That has helped a bunch! We just have to daily fill our minds with His Word and when we do that trickles down into our hearts and our belief in His Truth overshadows the beliefs of unworthiness. (Then your knowledge transforms into belief)
Oh I hate that you’re going through this, but at the same time, if you stick with God, you will eventually see things differently because any journey of seeking Him will not leave you unchanged. (Jer. 29:11-13)
Praying you up from Nebraska!!
P.S. Read “A Confident Heart” more than once…trust me in this. My girlfriends & I are on multiple readings, it’s just that powerful! One of them, Lisa Smith left a comment about that on here…find it and be encouraged. {hugs}
Leila,
Thank you for your story. I had gotten to the point where I felt like I wanted to have an affair. I did not but still so unhappy. Then I finally turned it over everything to God. It hasn’t been easy. It’s been a struggle especially since my husband had stopped going to church and alcohol has become his God. He has been an alcoholic since I met him. There have been some major problems but we got through. Then I just got to the point where I was sick and tired of his drinking and not getting my prayers answered. I stopped going to church, stopped praying and dug myself a pit of depression and hopelessness. Now I am trying to climb out of that pit. I am so thankful for my church family and this Bible study. It has been helping to restore my relationship with God. I know I can trust in God to fill those empty places in my heart.
Again, thank you from a fellow Nebraskan.
Leila, when I started to read your story, I found myself judging you, and by the time you were on your knees that day asking God for forgiveness – so was I. Your story is MY story too. Kindergarten to college in church schools, but I too had to go through some big life changing things to find that what I was lacking all of those years is a relationship with the Savior who loved me more than I could imagine. Some days are still hard, so deeply seated has been the insecurity I have live with and the hate I have had for myself, but thank God that He is the ultimate stain lifter and everything else I need. Espeicallu when I am empty. I am sorry for judging you, Thank you Leila for sharing your story with us. Thank you for the hope you’ve shared..
Awesome! 🙂 I always hope when I share my story that God’s greatness outshines the sins we chose to live out. He is so amazing!!!!
Leila, thank you so much for sharing your story. It is a very encouraging reminder of Christ’s forgiveness, restoring us and using our brokenness for His glory. I have also been through a lot that has left me wounded and feeling vulnerable. I know the absolute truth of Jesus’ love for me and His complete forgiveness, but my feelings often don’t match that which I know is true. I still feel “too damaged”, “unworthy”. I know too this is what the enemy wants me to believe to hold me captive, so I just continuing praying and reading the truth of His word. I’m thankful for the blessing of this study!
Jen,
Renee’s book, “A Confident Heart” has helped me get past my feelings of unworthiness. The truth is that we are unworthy, but God is worthy of a surrendered life from us. Letting Him take my past and do with it what He wants has been a hard and yet amazing journey. Trust Him with whatever has left you wounded and feeling vulnerable and then watch in awe as your Savior redeems you in ways you didn’t even know possible. He’s such a Savior!
Hugs,
Lelia
Wow! Thank you Leila for your honesty and willingness to share. I really can’t find the words to express what I am feeling, but as I read your story, this quote I had read previously, came to me, “Don’t judge someone just because they sin differently than you.” Your willingness to share really helps me to realize that I too can share my feelings and sins with others, knowing that I am forgiven and still worthy of His love, no matter what.
Another thought that has come to me, is that everything happens for a reason. I have experienced 2 pregnancies, that both ended in miscarriages and have learned some lessons through those experiences: (1) I have come to realize that God will not give me more than I can handle, (2) He will always be there to help me through, (3) there is a positive somewhere in every situation – I just need to find it, and (4) I am exactly where I am supposed to be at in life, because He put me right where he needed me, in order to do His work.
Thank you again Leila for sharing your story and thank you Renee for this book and Bible study.
Lelia,
Thank you for sharing! What God can do with broken men and women is amazing, and a real demonstration of His unfathomable love for us! I know that it is not always smooth sailing, and the journey continues, but when we have the monuments of His faithfulness in our lives to look back on and point to and say, “This is to remind us of the amazing work of our Father in heaven”, it spurs us on through the next trial, and the next.
Bless you for your proclaiming His goodness!
Searching for Significance spoke out to me. I was having a hard time with my emotions and menopause. My husband, kid and even my mom commented to me that I was not a happy person anymore. The afternoon I cried and had a great talk with my mom, I was still emotional so I decided to go visit the grave site to talk to my father and God. When I got there it was very windy, but while I was opening my heart to God the winds settled down and I felt calm. God does have unconditional love, I sometimes forget that. Thanks Renee for this wonderful Bible Study.
Thank you so much for sharing your story, Leila! Knowing that others struggle with the same hopelessness and insecurities makes me feel like I’m not crazy! It also reminds me that there is Hope and redemption through all our pain and struggles.
Thank you also for sharing that video, dKnighTweets. I have seen it so many times, but when you are in the middle of going through a rough time it really makes an impact in your heart to know that Jesus died for me.
Thank you also Renee for your book, it speaks to my heart everyday and really helps me to find what I really have been longing for all my life- unconditional love.
Thank you for sharing your story and being so honest and open. I am encouraged that God is restoring and mending broken marriages. I sometimes feel that it would be best for us to go our separate ways due to all the baggage we seem to be collecting. I know the grass isn’t greener elsewhere but I sometimes think it’s better than this. Not sure how we’ve made it this far (over 30 years) only that God’s grace keeps us together. I love my husband and know he loves me. We just have such a hard time communicating and being on the same page. I get so frustrated then critical. But God is showing me that I am looking to hubby too much instead of Him. I need to continually release him to God. And I need to keep my mouth shut more.
Barbara,
Family Life’s Weekend to Remember is a conference that God has used in mighty ways in our marriage. We volunteer every year and each year learn so much. Check into it and if your hubby isn’t into stuff like this, don’t count it out. Either is mine and he love it so much. The key is to apply what we learn, which is an ongoing work in progress. http://www.familylife.com
Also, stick with Renee’s book and APPLY what you learn in it too. That’s the key to change. 🙂
Wow, thank you for being so honest and real!
“I Love The Lord,” Whitney Houston
“Beauty In The Broken” by Hyland. You’ve got to hear it… Praise music first thing in the morning “helps” me at least ‘start out’ with an uplifted Spirit. My birthday wish today is that you ladies be built up in Him, through Him, by Him, because of Him … for Him.
“I Choose Jesus” by Moriah Peters ….look it up, listen, choose and worship Him. Our only true happiness – found in Jesus.
I need Jesus too otherwise I cant function without him. It’s so difficult
for me to trust him. I try so hard to let Him be in control. I know
I need to surrender and leave all my cares to him. And when I do
Then later I find myself taking control when I should just let him
Work. I’m going through a difficult time in my life right
Now… My husband wants a divorce. Says he is not spiritually in
The marriage anymore. We r a result of an affair. He was married at the
Time when we had an affair. Plus he does not live here even tho we r married.
He is from another town because of his job.its his hometown. We never lived
In the same city.
It has been difficult because he blames me for feeling alone
When he needed me …especially divorcing and leaving his three kids for me.
He says he regret s leaving and hurtinghis kids for me. I feel so unloved and not good enough.
I know God loves me unconditionally and will never leave me.
For so long I have desired a man’s attention and love. I have been thru one divorce
And abusive relationships and where they too cheated on me. I ask
God why can’t someone just love me. My husband is now
Saying that we lied about everything. And god will not bless our marriage
Because of our sin by having an affair. He says that he is not going
To make God accept our lies. I try to encourage him with speaking
About god but it’s not helping. I just want all this Pain to go away. I find
Myself talking, praying and crying out to Jesus everyday . I don’t know
What to do … My pastor and counselor tells me to file for
Divorce but I can’t do it.
I need Jesus. I need to let go of my fear of trusting Him and trusting others. I isolate and let no one in. Not even my husband. Too many hurts in my past. A life of regrets pain and deep depression. I escape by drinking and isolating yet I know God is calling my name. Lord please help me let go if the things and beliefs that keep me from a real up close relationship with You helpme Lord to let my walls down and become who you want me to be. I need you Jesus. Amen
Thank you Lelia, for sharing your story. God can heal anything. This story is raw and honest. I think we all need to be honest with each other. I hope this will help others to move out of the darkness and into the light ofGod’s love. As far as chapter 3 I could relate to it so well. Different circumstances same concept. Thank you for sharing your eexperience. I am getting so much out of this study. So grateful for this community of women. God bless.
I’m sorry, I just have to ask, some of you that “choose” infidelity because your not getting the attention you want from you husband, have you really “thought” about who you might be hurting????
I am so sorry. Even after so many years infidelity is hard for me! I know He forgives and I know He heals and even uses our bad choices for His glory. It just strikes my heart how much someone is thinking about themselves without thinking about the “friends” wife or even his children.
Hi Lynda,
Thanks for asking. My hope in sharing my story is that people will focus on what God has done in my life, not all the sins I chose to live out. The human mind tends to grade sins, but bottom line is whatever the sin of choice is by His children, sin grieves His heart. I’m so thankful for my Redeemer. 🙂
When a wife & mom has the heart of an adultress, her choices are not for the best interest of anyone else, not even herself. Her selfishness began way before her affair did, it started when she believed God wasn’t enough for her.
What a powerful testimony. Thank you for your honesty. My father was a compulsive gambler and came and went in my life. I sometimes would not know where he was for weeks and then get a call that he was around. I have come to realize that I feel the same way about God. That he comes and goes from my life but I have figured out that I am the one that comes and goes. He is always there with open arms waiting for me, to trust him and know that he will always be there. Thank you for this study.
As a woman that had an ex husband that constantly cheated on her, and even got another girl pregnant while I was carrying his child, I have a hard time with this story! My full term baby boy died, and her (the other woman’s) baby boy lived. I was told I should have an abortion, but CHOSE not to, I gave this baby a chance for life. Aaron Tracy weighed 8 lb 10 ou and lived three hours. Also, I did NOT choose to cheat on him, and I did NOT choose to abort my baby! Since this time many years ago, my little black haired, beautiful baby boy, has become a joy that lives in my heart, and I know I will see him again one day, and the Lord gave me a wonderful husband that loves the Lord and knows how to love me and treat me. I’ve been with my current husband 30 plus years. I have three living children by my ex husband that are grown and have given me beautiful grandchildren. Things have been TOUGH! Sometimes it has been so hard to “trust” men, to “trust” my husband, and to “trust” the Lord! Sometimes, my son that is just like his dad hurts me. But, He has helped me learn to forgive, to live with the consequences of my wrong choices, to love Him with all of my heart and to realize He is a forgiving and redeeming Savior, that loves us and wants us to have a life filled with His Joy!
I’m so sorry that you had to go through this, all of it. From the affairs, the other pregnancy, the loss of your son Aaron. I’m glad that you did not choose to abort like you were advised. But all that you have endured, I’m grateful that you chose to follow the Lord even in your toughest trials and I hope that by you sharing your pain that other women who may be thinking of getting involved with a married man or cheating on their own spouse can be deterred because of the pain it causes.
I’m not proud of anything I’ve ever done that causes God pain, but I willingly give Him permission to use my story to bring other women who have made similar choices to His throne. That’s where I soak in His redeeming grace versus showering in shame. Satan kept me silent long enough and we all have a story worthy of Him telling. I pray your story brings Him the honor and glory He deserves.
Hugs from a redeemed & forgiven former adulteress.
Thank you Leila for your story. I too had an affair and I felt God telling me to confess but before I did the truth came out to my husband. It has taken a while to come to the place that even if I lose everything as long as I have Jesus I will be OK. My husband and I take it one day at a time but I crave to be loved and held by someone who trully loves me, warts and all and I am finding that the only one who does that is Jesus. It is very hard to be fully reliant on him but we have to be.
Amen Amanda! I’ve learned that surrender has to be daily. I’m so glad that you know Who is really capable of fulfilling all of our needs. Continue your journey to Jesus my friend, He is so worth every hard step.
When I fell away from God ten or so years ago- I was Sam at the well. I had stolen someone else’s husband and I walked away from God knowing I had let him down and he would probably never forgive me and satan kept using Gods word against me. I was without hope once again as I was for twenty years before becoming a Christian. I was in fear of being lost again. I pulled away from the things of God, from the people of God, I felt like the Holy Spirit had left me. But then one day as I was driving, I heard God speak audibly to me, He said, “I know why you did it”. And I said, why? And He said,”you needed to be the other woman.” Then I felt Him continue to speak in my spirit and show me how because of how horribly my father had abused my mother in every way but how he was always so sweet to his girlfriends, bringing them flowers and they only ever saw his happy side, a side he rarely showed at home. And I understood, I was afraid of being anything other than the other woman. As people of the church all around me sat in judgement and pushed me away and just when I thought my sin had pushed God away forever too- it was then that He pursued me even harder, proving His love for me and never once leaving! I realized in time that the Holy Spirit had not left me but that feeling of despair was the dread of my purposeful sin and He was allowing me to feel the weight of it. I am so thankful for His great love! And I love how time and time again He takes people in scripture and real life who are thought as useless by the world and restores them! God has restored the years the locusts have eaten:)
Thank you Lelia for sharing this powerful message. I believe that it took a lot of strength, courage, and obedience to do what you did. Your story proves that God can convert for good what the enemy meant for evil. It further confirms God’s will for our lives, according to the word is to give us hope and a future! May God continue to bless your walk and that of your husband, and continue to be an inspiration for those who need a testimony of hope. God bless…
Thank you Cindy. Your words of encouragement are so appreciated. I always thought this would a secret kept between me and Jesus, but so thankful He had his own plans for my story. 🙂 May He bless you as you seek Him.
Hi Sweet Ladies, I had this in my email this morning and wanted to share it with you all. It is from a website I’m signed up to. Hope you enjoy it.
God chose to create human beings different from the other animals, in his image—both male and female—and he gave them authority over all other living creatures. This gives us great value and raises an important question: In what ways are we made in God’s image?
God obviously did not create us exactly like himself, because God has no physical body. Instead, we reflect God’s glory. Some believe that our reason, creativity, speech, or self-determination is the image of God. More likely, our entire self is what reflects the image of God. We will never be totally like God because he is our supreme creator. But we do have the ability to reflect his character in our love, patience, forgiveness, kindness, and faithfulness.
Knowing that we are made in God’s image and that we share many of his characteristics provides a solid basis for self-worth. Human worth is not based on possessions, achievements, physical attractiveness, or public acclaim; instead, it is based on being made in God’s image. Because we bear God’s image, we can feel confident in who we are. Criticizing ourselves is discounting what God has made and the abilities he has given us.
Knowing that you are a person of worth helps you love God, know him personally, and contribute meaningfully to the lives of those around you.
Stop and thank God for creating you in his image. You are his unique creation and he loves you. Thank him for your special gifts, talents, abilities, physical characteristics, emotional makeup, and personality. And ask him to help you respect others, even those you don’t get along with, because they are his image-bearers as well.
When we let Jesus into our heart with NO conditions our real journey with Him begins. My imperfections keep bringing me back to Him because I know only He and PaPa can truly love me unconditionally. Why delay grabbing hold of Jesus hand and join Him in your journey. He’s just waiting….
Thank you Lelia. I admire your courage so much. Thank you for showing us what it is to walk in the LIGHT of God’s grace and love instead of cowering in the shadows of guilt and shame.
Thank you Lelia for your amazing story. It has obviously touched many hearts including my own. Forgiveness seems to comfort me the most from your story not only your husband but yourself with Gods unfailing LOVE. Jesus walked with that cross and like you said every step was for me……. what a visual and how could I not feel my life is not important to HIM who loves me. God Bless you and every Christ filled sister in this study I hope some day to hug all of you. Your friend in Christ Helen
Hello Leila, thank you my sister for sharing your heart, sharing your story. I am rejoicing with you, and thanking God for his Redeeming Power and Faithfulness in YOUR life. HALLELUJAH!!!!
We all BARGAIN our faith. IT IS SO TRUE, as you said we ALL are willing…. to loose our Faith, and everything else for nothing. Thank God for HIS Grace-Mercy-and Love!!!! If it was not for the Grace of God, where will any of us be now? ‘where sin increased, grace increased all the more’ (Rom 5:20b)
As the shepherd goes off leaving the 99 sheep behind, to go look and bring back the one sheep, so is OUR SHEPHERD OUR LORD with us. Leila, it seems you still loved the Lord, but your Flesh was your main enemy waring with the spirit within and— the God of UNCONDITIONAL LOVE, the GOD OF MERCY saw that and ‘graciously’ pulled you out of that mess ‘Surely Goodness and Mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever’ (Ps 23:6) so HE can use you for HIS Glory for you—–Follower of Our Lord-fellow saint, is willing to fulfill his word on Revelation 12:11 for you are overcoming ‘him’ by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of YOUR testimony, and….. have put to DEATH the Lust of the Flesh by the Power of Grace (Col 3:5 rephrased).
THANK YOU SO MUCH SISTER for your boldness to share your life so you can encourage thousands of us women who put aside our faith daily, willing to loose it ALL for NOTHING (in an effort to gratify our flesh). THANK GOD FOR HIS GRACE–MERCY-LOVE and FAITHFULNESS. THANK GOD FOR JESUS FOR….. HE IS ALL IN ALL
Tati
Thank you SOOOOOO much! You blessed me big time. 🙂 Praise God!!
Thank you Lelia for sharing your heart with us. It takes courage to do that and you truly showed it. I realize by reading your testimony that God is not only merciful and forgiving but He really does truly restore us back to Him and heals our hurts and empty feelings of insecurity. You helped me to see God from a different perspective today. My situation is different but the end results are the same. God Bless You and your family!
Lelia…your story brought me back to a time in my life that was hidden away… and although I never got that far, my sinful behavior could have had a different ending but for the Lord answering my prayers and leading me home. I learned I was deemed worthy by Him not anything I did or didn’t do and He loves me! Thank you for sharing! God bless!
That’s so awesome! Thank you for sharing. People need to read how sometimes we’re heading in the direction I chose to do, but some people stop and turn away. Flee from sin. Encouraging and needed to hear this! 🙂 God is good!!!
Leila, thank you so much for your sharing of yourself. In my marriage I feel is so stagnate. It’s as if we are going in 2 different directions. Mine closer to God and his further away. I know he believes but only the parts he wants to believe. My husband will not give up his pornograpy! When he shuts me out when I show him the biblical truth I am so sad. It does draw me closer to God and to rely upon His strength. I pray that God will help him to see what God wants him to see. Can we be polar opposites and still survive in this marriage? Only God knows. I thank Him for helping me to draw closer by reading his word and praying all the harder. I too have to trust in His word that He will never leave me or forsake me. Praise God!!
Hi Cindy I too am going through the same thing with my boyfriend of 20 years he loves his pornography and thinks I should watch with him NO WAY I WILL and this makes us fight all the more. He even told me last night that I was only here because he need a maid and that he didn’t love me. We have been together for 20 years and this is nothing new. I pray to God every night to touch his heart and change him, I’m still praying and waiting. He don’t believe in God that much only parts. I’m praying for you and you will be forever in my prayers. In Christ Love Amen
cindy, idk where the comment is that u just made, but it came to my inbox. you’re right, hon. don’t ever give up. if God’s given u a vision for your marriage, one of wholeness and healing, hold fast to the vision! if He hasn’t, yet, i pray He will and that you will not lose faith as u wait to see everything He’s promised come to pass! as Habakkuk 2 tells us, tho the vision may SEEM slow in coming, it will NOT be delayed. a favorite quote of mine is: “God’s purposes know no haste and no delay.” Continue to cling to His promises; I have prayed for you and the other women on this journey!
Luke 1:45 – Blessed is she who has believed that God would fulfill His promises to her.
Thank you for sharing your story, a part of your life in which most would keep hidden. Your sharing brings hope and faith to many struggling with the comprehension of Gods love, Mercy, Grace & His miraculous workings. Giving the Glory to God you shared such a powerful raw message, as well as, the working of God to repair. Much Love
Thank you, Leila, for sharing. God is so good – taking our pain and turning it into something beautiful. Although my story is not the same, it sure could be! God bless you!
I guess I’m still stuck in chapter 2, took my mask off again today, what an amazing freeing feeling, God has put such amazing ppl in my llife, that truly love me for who I am, and it just gives me shivers how He set it up, I now must have faith/trust in Him always, and tell everyone how much He truly loves us, He knows what’s best for our lives, He created the whole world & we wonder if He can help us with our problems:-))
OK., This is too painful to read. My pastor emailed me two weeks ago and plainly told me NO MORE CHEATING!!! Today, I ran through that door. Gave into temptation and fantasy. I have been trying to get my husband’s support to attend Celebrate Recovery so I can talk about being raped in college and again two years ago by a neighbor. My husband is a hard nut to crack and when he is ready or makes advances we generally are intimate. However, more often than not I get spurned when I make advances so I do’t feel valued as a wife or as a woman. Other opportunities arise and I go where I am wanted and valued. There is so much, as Lilian said, to loose yet I find myself not caring. Why don’t I care? We have been married 15 years and been through several counseling sessions. There have been a few changes, non that have lasted very long. David, my husband, makes a half hearted attempt an we are back to existing like roommates. And again i say, part of me just doesn’t care or want to try anymore. I think I love my husband, I think he loves me. I want to know and be told ike he means it not just says it because he thinks i want to hear it. Does any of this makes sense?
Yes, Stephanie, this makes sense! My heart breaks for you because I know exactly how you feel. Although I never actually cheated, I certainly did in my mind and fantasies while my husband was so wrapped up in pornography that he never even noticed! What I can tell you is that once my husband gave his heat to The Lord things changed – nor over night mind you and we’ve had set backs, but his addiction to porn is now beaten and it was only because of the work of The Lord in both of our lives. The catalyst was my asking him to leave – although we both claimed to be in the “I just don’t care anymore” spot, it was quite apparent that there was still something worth fighting for when I asked him to leave and by the end of the weekend, we had agreed to try one more time. We did counseling thru our church , joined a couples’ study and basically refocused on our marriage. We’ve had to do this a couple of times in the intervening years, but we”ve never hit the spot of not caring anymore again, and we will celebrate 32 years this year”. God is good!
Stephanie…I too like Alice know how you feel. My husband and I were not intimate for 12 years! No porn addictions, no infidelity, no lack of love either…however a prideful heart believing the lie that our intimacy issue would fix itself. I begged, pleaded, cried…turned spiteful, hurtful, resentful most times as the years went on. I was ready to leave and he begged me to go to counseling…this is when the Holy Spirit got busy. God’s finger prints were all over the process of our therapy, my individual therapy…then him finally surrendering to the Lords nudge to ‘drop the pride’.
Like Alice it was not an easy process, and came with much guidance of a Christian therapist, safe encouraging pro-marriage friends, and a true surrender to the Lord for both of us! I too felt like ‘roommates’ most of the time…when my husband shared he felt like the college roommate I didn’t want to be around…it was God slapping me in the face saying ‘do you not love him like I love him’? I sobbed and that was my turning point. I had to recognize that I needed God to change my heart to change my marriage. I had to start with me…you can’t change your husband…your cheating won’t…only he can make the decision w/ God. I also believed the lies that I was unworthy to be his wife, he didn’t love me enough, he was abandoning me…lies from the enemy to keep my heart in resent, hurt, spite.
I didn’t have a physical affair…however many times I fantasized about it! Now I am so glad we didn’t have that to overcome also…the road without is tough enough!
Again…the process of restoring and redeeming a marriage when trust is broken is treacherous at times…but also very rewarding because God is working with you thru you. We are both very thankful that God gave us courage thru Him to take the narrow steep winding path to forgiveness, restoration, and truly leaning into God together.
We are called to love even when we feel we are not being love…his decision is not justification for your actions. I remember our therapist saying ‘sometimes just truly loving someone can change a heart’…love is a decision, not an action. I made a decision to love my husband again…it was always there just got bogged down in the ‘muck & lies’ of those years. He the same…I never not truly felt loved by him…it was just hard for my heart to believe it.
I agree with Alice…our God is a good God…His heart breaks at both of your broken hearts. Lord help Stephanie believe in her heart that she deeply loved, complete, and accepted because of Your Son, Jesus Christ. Do not let the space between her ears lead her heart…let her heart be led by You and only You Lord. Show Stephanie the steps to take Lord…and let her heart be open to the leading. Thank you for being with her in the hurt. Thank You for Your great love. Amen!
Our God is a redeeming God…He wants to heal you and your marriage…He wants you to trust Him work on your husband…and work on you. I personally experienced a restored marriage…one that lead us closer than ever and closer to Him…it has been an amazing journey that I do not regret. And I will not live in the shame of my secret anymore…we are two broken sinners married and willing to put God & His love first. Sending my love to your tender heart.
Stephanie…Please forgive me…I need to correct myself…’Love is a decision, AND an action’. I originally stated ‘love is a decision, not an action’. My fingers are too fast for my brain sometimes.
But I keep letting the fantasy of someone, ANYONE that appreciates me take me in. How do I resolve that? I want to be appealiong to my husband. Maybe we don’t know enough of each other to do this marriage things. During our three year engagement we both agreed, because his parents had divorced for abuse reasons, that divorece was not an option for us. We are pushing 15 years of marriage, i may have mentioned. Yet I don’t feel amy more loved or special than when I asked him to marry me. Maybe that is what I did wrong. I wanted the sedding and not the marriage? Last night we watched a dvd of Chonda Pierce and through most of it he was attentive yet visible bored. i gave it to him for Easter inhopes that it would be something we could do together and share, adn laugh at, etc. Date nights have been suggtested, adn his standard answer is “I can’t really predict my schedule from day to day like that” Does he really want to? Part of me feels that if it was important to him or something he wanted to do, or if he really wanted to make me a priority, he would find a way to be home, or be mroe enthusiatic about finding someone to hang with our 11 year old son. Again, does any of this make sense?
Stephanie…You are already appealing to God. Our sin is not appealing to God. You are only responsible for you and your decisions and actions towards your marriage and husband. Surrender your husband to God…trrust He knows what He’s doing in his heart. Our God is the creator of the universe…He most certainly can change hearts.
I can only encourage you, from personal experience, to find a trained Christian therapist to help you. However therapy is a ‘two-way’ street…so you need to be open to getting real and down right dirty with yourself and God. We are all sinners…and the enemy wants us to believe the lies that we are not worthy, unloveable, unnoticed, etc…he is smarter than you and will attack you where you are vulnerable. This is where you need to lean in strong and extremly close to the Lord…you can start by changing your heart towards your relationship and your husband. When you are feeling tempted…cry out Jesus name…go sit at the foot of the cross…turn on worship music…pray for it to pass and God to sustain you. It sounds like you still care as well…so dig deep girl…dig deep in God.
Do you know what your husbands Love Language is? that is a great place to start regarding engaging in things that he relates to.
Lastly…relationships and people change over years and circumstances…it will never be exactly like ‘when you first meet’. It sounds like your husband wants to try too from your original post….it’s a difficult road to navigate in marriage therapy…you need someone trained that can help you.
There are many examples on this thread of broken marriages by two broken people being restored and healed…have hope because it is everywhere in this bible study. Our God is waiting for you to surrender into His loving arms and be your everything.
I will keep you in my prayers this week.
Jenny just a comment about the husbands love language. My husband bought The Five Languages of Love for me many years ago but never read it himself. After many months of following the suggestions of Dr. Chapman it still did not stop my husband from watching his pornography. He just wanted more from me. I felt like such a failure! I asked him why he bought that book and gave it to me? He replied that it had been suggested to get it for me. I was heart broken. How could we make it if he still chose to follow his own wants and needs? As you can tell his language is physical affirmation. The more I gave the more he wanted even though I was and still am praying that God will change his heart. I believe that God wants to give us the desires of our hearts as long as it falls in line with His plan. God wishes that no man should perish, so I still trust in Him daily and with a loving heart that some day all will be as it should be. I must have faith! God through His word shows me constantly that if I keep my eye on Him he will give me more blessings then I can count. And they do come. I don’t give up on my love for my husband but do still ache for the true husband and wife team that God cherishes.
Stephanie, I understand your feelings of not being valued and wanted and a husband not making you feel loved. When I became a Christian, I was coming out of a severely dysfunctional family of origin, rape, and years of seeking value, comfort and love in relationships and hard work. When I accepted Christ as my Savior and Lord, I was truly a baby Christian! I married my husband, who had shared his faith and his experience of, and with, Christ with me and was a huge part of my coming to the Lord. Our challenges started within hours, no minutes, of saying “I do”! (My father and brother had been abusive; my father was openly unfaithful to my mother, and she allowed it, even to the point of accepting the mistress and my half sister into the home. We were taught to believe that this was the norm and the way things should be. This is only the tip of the iceberg in the sad, sinful life I grew up in. I only tell you this to demonstrate the amazing power of God to heal). On our honeymoon, I was already wondering who “she” would be, who the other woman would be. Sad, confused thinking! My husband had no intention of betraying me, yet I would not trust him. I put expectations on him that only God could meet: to make me FEEL loved, accepted, valued, sufficient, etc. Needless to say, my husband could not do it. As hard as he tried to demonstrate his love and acceptance to me, it was never enough to fill my emptiness. I got counseling, which helped me to deal with some of my emotional issues, but life slowed the work down. Over that past 5+ years, God has really been teaching me that He and He alone can meet my emotional needs. He showed me that I was believing the lie that because many people in my life had hurt and betrayed me, my husband would, and even God would. He showed me how my demands and expectations that I put on my husband were actually getting in the way of His healing. He has also showed me that the trials that I have gone through, and some that I continue to go through, are being used by Himself to accomplish His plan in my life! None of it is being wasted! Read James to see what our trials are for. As believers, they no longer are miserable afflictions, although they do not feel good; but they are for our spiritual maturing! James 1: 2-4 says: 2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. I found out that I had spent too much time trying to make things go my way for my own sense of well-being, trying to get my husband to make me feel of value and wanted, and not allowing God to do it. I spent a long time with this head knowledge, and thinking that because I could say it, I was living it. It was only after I allowed God to move the knowledge to my heart that the deeper healing really started. Only when we let God define our value, accept His love, and believe His view of us are we really able to love and to receive love.
Hang in there. Let God work in your heart, and just as important, let Him change your husbands, too. Don’t settle for the status quo, but let God do His work and set the agenda and then we need to cooperate with His plan.
Several great books that have helped me tremendously are this one, of course :-), and The Bible Primer, and Love and Respect.
I pray God’s peace and comfort as you do the hard work of surrendering and submitting to Him and allowing Him to perform the”heart surgery” that we all need!
Well said…. Love ur words of encouragement. I find myself having to do
The same thing surrender and let God do the work for me and my husband
Thank you so much for sharing and reopening past shames to help others heal.We all should be confident in the love of Jesus Lord help us to feel that way and to help others grow in strength . Amen
Hi Leila.
Thanks for sharing your story, I know well can identify with some of your pain. I know I can, I was never married but abortion I been through.I know the shame and the secrets that can keep you from God. Because
You feel like you disobey is commandments. I also felt like Peter when he had denied God. I’m a mother of three and grandmother of four beautiful kids. God has forgiven me & showed me favor. I’m so blessed because of his love. I never wanted to marry as child, because I based it on my parents failed marriage. I don’t think that now, just waiting for good Lord send me a man of God. As young person I didn’t read the bible like I should of. I know what said about marriage now. My children father we ended our relationship long time ago, we had lot’s of problems. Looking back now I wish we had handle things differently. I wish I had prayed on our situation instead. We remain good friends through. I know prayers as a way to make you feel humble & not pride. Pride as way to make you feel selfish. I to has come along way. God bless you, and again thanks for sharing. Caren
Thank you Lelia for sharing your deep innermost self with us. It spoke volumes to my soul.
I actually didn’t have anything come tosurface, but am asking God to reveal anything to me and help me to be honest. Love you all for being so loving.
Charletta,
I love this. I pray if He does reveal anything you accept it and allow Him to make whatever changes He wants to do within you. So cool and what an example of wanting God to be in every area of our life.
Thank you so much Lelia for your story.
I can relate on many levels. It would take way too much time to write out my stories. Suffice it to say I was forced into marriage (by the male person and my parents) the first time two days after my 16th bday. It was physically and emotionally abusive. I didn’t know God back then, but now I can look back and say I got out by the grace of God in less than two years. My second marrage ended from unfaithfulness. We both had transgressions, but he excused his and was unforgiving for mine and left me and the chidren. Long story short… had another bad marriage after 7 years of aloneness and now I am happiliy married to my best friend.
Even though I know God loves me and forgives me in my head, and I know that He has helped me through so many of my challenges in life, I feel like I still struggle to feel like I have a personal relationship with Him. I am thinking it’s because I don’t love MYSELF with unconditional love and have a hard time believing God can as well. Renee writes “Until our hearts find complete security and significance in God’s unconditional love, we will never be satisfied”.
I don’t know. I pray, I read His Word, I sing worship and praise (my preferred music), I believe, I literally cry out to Him, but I don’t know that I ever FEEL or HEAR His unconditional love and His answers coming through clearly like others describe. I long to serve Him and have taken steps TO serve Him, but so often I wonder if I’m doing it to earn it rather than because I already KNOW I HAVE His approval and unconditional love. But again….perhaps it’s because I struggle so much with loving MYSELF “as I am.”
I HAVE recorded Renee’s prayers from chapter 1 or 2 and have started listening and saying them out loud at minimum every weekday on my way to work when I am alone. I truly WANT “A Confident Heart” and plan to press on towards that goal.
Thank you so much for your time reading this..whoever has. 🙂
Sheila
amen sister and great idea for playing truths out loud
I read it all Sheila:-)) And usually the longer ones I don’t. Hang in there, I’m finding out it’s a day to day struggle, but so worth it when something good in our eyes actaully happens & we see a break through, I hope I can keep proclaiming His goodness!
Thanks Lelia! You ARE ‘brave’ as Renee writes. So many women will see themselves in ‘your story’ and begin to reach out to the only One who can heal and make them whole again. I’ve heard it said that God doesn’t waste any of our pain! He will not only use our pain to bring us closer to Him, but also will use it to help restore others who have gone through the same pain! Only our Awesome God can do something so wonderful! Thank you so much for sharing with all of us!
May God continue to richly bless you as you bless others!
Susan,
Thank you so very much! God has really blessed me beyond measure, that’s for sure! He is so exciting to follow! 🙂
I so appreciated Lelia’s honesty and humility in sharing her story. It was humbling to me to read about her willingness to make the hard choices to deal with her poor choices. I don’t always face up to the consequences of poor choices and want to blame others. This was a wonderful example of confession, repentance and forgiveness. Thank you, Lelia, for sharing.
Question 3: There is one empty place and God knows what it is. Please pray that I will learn to trust God to fill it in his time and in his way.
Oh, Renee, I also wanted to tell YOU something specifically, in response to page 53 in your book. You wrote, “During the first semester of my senior year in college, I hit a breaking point. I remember sitting on the floor in my apartment, sobbing on the phone to my mom. I blurted out questions like, “Will you still love me even if I never accomplish another thing? Even if I don’t get a job…? What if I don’t finish school?”
I too, lived for my parents’ approval and affirmation. A perfectionist in my junior year of college, I still had no idea what I wanted to do for a career and the pressure was crushing out my joy and hope and purpose. That was me, Renee. I literally did the exact same thing. I sobbed on the floor. Cried out to God to no avail. Went at least 3 weeks of very sleepless nights. I called my mom nightly. My questions were, “Can I come home after I graduate? Do I have to have a job right away? Why do I miss my ex so much when I didn’t like being with him? Why isn’t God answering my cries for help? What is wrong with me? Will Dad still be proud of me if I graduate with this degree? What if I don’t graduate as a Scholar? Will you still love me?” I was so burned out, but more than that I was just empty and felt guilty for my own emptiness…
God brought me healing gradually…then I went to Colombia for my mission trip and within 3 days the anxiety during the middle of the night was gone. Now back at school the same thoughts threaten my heart BUT I am so glad I went through that last year because now I know that He IS there and that He is protecting me. I don’t live for the affirmation from my dad anymore. I live to please God. Or I do my best to try to live to please Him. Because I’ve learned that it is the one whom God commends who is blessed. And I am just trusting and believing that somehow, somewhere, God has a place for me to work for Him and that He has led me to study this degree for a reason. I will keep turning towards Him and not doubt Him now. He is enough.
Thank you for sharing your story, too, Renee. I connected so much with it the first time I read it (last August) and just see myself in the pages each day. Jesus speaks to my heart through your words and reminds me that I’m not alone in all of this. Never alone and never forgotten. <3
Last year around this time, I was coming out of a struggle with anxiety-induced depression and letting go of a binding emotionally abusive relationship….your story gives me strength right now as I look back and sometimes feel the same anxiety and emptiness…I love the when statement…”When I feel tempted to return to a life of emptiness and rely on my old patterns of comfort and fulfillment then I will praise God for what He has brought me from and remind myself that I am worthy of the sacrifice of the cross.”
For me…”When I feel the glimpses of anxiety in my heart and am tempted to dwell on the darkness and live fearfully, then I will praise God for how much healing He has brought to my heart and remind myself that nothing is more strong and wonderful than His marvelous light.” He is still my healer and will always be.
Thank you for sharing your story…it sounds like it was very difficult and probably felt quite impossible at the time. But God does a lot with impossible. : )
Thanks so much Lelia for the incredibly moving story. I have never been married, but I have always looked in all the wrong places to have my emptiness filled inside me, but it never was. Thanks to this Bible Study & Renee, I’m truly finding that only God can fill all the empty places in my heart & every part of me. I’ve really have never had a successful relationship due to the feeling I have towards myself & always giving everything of myself right away & never giving the relationship a chance to be more. I have had an abortion as well, and when I first started going to my church a little over three years ago, I was so ashamed of myself & my past that I thought these people would condem me & there was no place for me in the church. I participated in a ministry that fall, and the minstry was for those who have experienced past abuse (verbal, physical, emotional) & I was always afraid to tell my story to the other women for fear they would judge me. It was only when I gave the director of the ministry a letter I had written about my numerous mistakes from my past (always looking for love in all the wrong places, abortion, etc.) that I was able to release that guilt & knew that God had forgiven me for it as well, although I had struggled with that guilt for many years. I still spend a lot of days blaming myself for recent mistakes, and always saying “if I just would have been different”, “if I just would have been like this woman or this woman”, “if I would have been normal”, “if I would have loved myself” that person may have stayed longer. When my last relationship ended I thought of turning to someone else to fill the emptiness, but said to myself “what good is that going to do, because you’ll just feel empty & lonely inside the next day”, so I’m glad I didn’t go that route again, because it seems to be what I always do, and it just makes things worse.
The director of that ministry feels that I should be an advocate for the unborn, and help other women in the same situation. I’m just not sure that is what I would be good at. I don’t feel that is God’s calling for me, as it may be others. But as time goes & I listen to God, he may direct my steps in that direction.
Thanks again for sharing your story with us, God bless you always 🙂
thank you for your honesty and for being proof that our past does not eliminate us from the work God has for us to do. What hit me was my own story that I have kept well hidden. My part in my divorce that included looking for love in other men. there I said it. Not something I could say most places without having it thrown in my face again and again, so I don’t share it. thanks Renee for this safe place to be honest, and for reminding me that God can still use me as I bring my broken pieces to the Potter who can remold and make me into a beautiful new vessel for His glory.
Thank you for sharing your story. We are all sinners and we all make mistakes but Jesus forgives. He died for our sins. What a powerful story.
This week has been so touching and inspiring to me, I don’t know how to put it into words. God has really been speaking to me about having the courage to share my story with others, and how thankful I am that he rescued me from the huge life of sin I found myself in earlier in my life. Now I have fully committed my life to Jesus, and I wake up in the mornings saying “Yes” to him.
It just shows that were all human and make some bad choices…but thank God, He is the one who held you and His glory is shining through your relationship now… Thank you for being so transparent. God bless you.
Lelia thank you so much for sharing your story. I know you drew strength from God to do so, it makes me stop and think of what so many of us have gone thru, and things that we have done, but God is so good, and forgiving, its us that sometimes can’t forgive ourselves…but God slowly works in our hearts and draws us near, just as we are. What an awesome God we serve….. Lamentations #:22-23 tells us “The Lord’s mercies are new every morning” what a beautiful promise. Thank you Jesus.
Wow. Thank you for your honesty. Allowing God to use your story/pain to comfort and help others is wonderful. The things we do when we think God isn’t looking! And how we can be overwhelmed by His grace is amazing. I love your statement about losing everything BUT God and you would be okay. =)