Today I want you to meet my brave and beautiful friend Lelia Chealey who shares her story of emptiness and how God redeemed her brokenness.
Italicized sentences are from Chapter 3 of A Confident Heart
Until our hearts find complete security and significance in God’s unconditional love, we will constantly turn to other lovers and never be satisfied.
Although I stood before family and friends professing my love and faithfulness to my husband, three years later I found myself trying to fill my emptiness in the arms of another man.
When the closed door of a previous relationship opened I ran through it. On Wednesday I was serving on our church’s youth team and by Saturday I was in between the sheets of a bed in a cheap hotel. The result of my affair led to a pregnancy I knew was from the other man since my husband had undergone a vasectomy.
Driving out of an abortion clinic and heading home to my unsuspecting husband, I wondered how I’d gotten to this place. Here I was a Christian wife and mom who had compromised my beliefs in more ways than one. Looking to fill my void with anything but Jesus, I walked further and further away from the One I needed most.
By being honest about her life and the lies she believed, she could start turning toward the Truth. She could bring the thirst of her heart to Him. Only then would she find confidence in the power of His love and start living in the security of His promises.
I ended my affair soon after the reality of my abortion set in. It shook my Jesus-loving heart to the core. One morning, after everyone was out of the house, I turned on some worship music, got down on my knees and began to sob. Raising my hands toward heaven, I told God, “If I lose everything – my marriage, my kids, my friends, my reputation, but I still have YOU, I’ll be okay.”
Admitting all the lies I had told and believed, I got gut-honest with God that day. And in that place of truth, I was set free and could then turn toward Jesus and away from my life of sin. Like Renee wrote, I could bring the thirst of my heart to Him. That’s what I did — I brought my parched soul to the only One capable of filling me and changing my mess of a life.
Three years later, I felt God leading me to tell my husband about my affair and abortion. We’d attended two marriage conferences during the in-between years and I couldn’t keep my secret any longer. Deep pain was evident on his face and in his tears. My heart broke once again over my affair as I listened to my husband process my choices.
Still in shock, he told me that while I was having my affair he too had been involved in one. I sat there stunned, silent and ticked off at God. How had He not prepared me for this moment of my husband’s truth? I felt instant emptiness, but this time I made the choice to bow my heart before Jesus and ask Him to help me.
Jesus came to give us more than salvation. He wants us to experience complete satisfaction in Him.
These words from chapter 3 resonate deeply with my soul. Although, I had attended Christian school from kindergarten though graduation in 1988; went to church on Sundays and returned on Wednesdays and knew countless Bible stories by heart, what I lacked was a relationship with my King.
Sitting there with my husband trying to process his unfaithfulness, God let me know He is the only One that could take my empty, broken heart and fill it with His unconditional love and confidence that I had sought in all the wrong places.
I love what Renee asked us this week, and how she encouraged us to write our own “when-then” statements:
So what do we do when our hearts start tossing and turning with emptiness and uncertainty? We need to stop and ask Jesus to help us see the worth we are placing in other things and the worth we are seeking in other people and shift our reliance to Him instead.
{Here are mine}
When I start to feel like my marriage is not giving me what I deserve then I will turn to God and ask Him to be my portion.
When I feel tempted to return to a life of emptiness and rely on my old patterns of comfort and fulfillment then I will praise God for what He has brought me from and remind myself that I am worthy of the sacrifice of the cross.
Lasting security comes when we bring the empty well of our hearts to Jesus and ask Him to fill and fulfill us with the security of His unfailing love.
It’s been ten years since the day of my and my husband’s confessions. Our marriage is far from perfect, but with God’s help we have walked through the process of forgiveness and restoration. My husband and I serve at a marriage conference every spring and God has used our mistakes to help other couples realize He is much bigger than any circumstance we face. He has also taken the shame and regret of my abortion and used it for His glory by calling me to be part of an abortion ministry, “Surrendering the Secret,” where I now serve as a leader.
I have no idea what your story it, but please believe this woman who almost lost everything for nothing. Jesus is worth seeking and giving Him a chance to fill up all the empty places of your life. If He can look at an unfaithful wife and compromising mom in Nebraska and see beauty instead of ugly then anyone is within reach of being embraced by His amazing grace.
You need to know that God wants you. There is no sin too heavy to stay nailed to the beams of the cross. You are the reason He trekked His way to Calvary and you are worth every step He took!
***
Thank you Lelia, for the courage and risk it takes tell your story – so raw, so real yet so full of His redemption. I see and love Jesus in you!
Let’s Connect: Will you take a minute to thank Lelia, and let us both know what has risen to the surface of your heart as you read her story or as you read Chapter 3 this week? {REMEMBER: you are reading this via email, click here to visit my website and connect in community.}
Under this post, click “share your thoughts” and do just that. Also, feel free to share some answers to your end of chapter 3 questions. I treasure this space that connects our hearts! {Love you guys so much!}
I just happen to find your story, after looking on the internet of people telling about their abortion experiences. I myself am a male. But I have been through multiple abortion experiences. It happened with the same girl. Her name was, Stacy. We met in high school and one thing led to another. I was so excited to have someone in my life, someone who said they loved me, and I told her that I loved her. But for me, I don’t know if it was truly love, or just lust. I know for me, that once we started to become intimate, I didn’t want to stop. I wanted to be with her all the time, she made me feel good. One day, she came up to me and said that she was pregnant. I asked her, what do we do? I was afraid to tell anyone. I didn’t want my parents knowing that I was having sex. We both decided to have the abortion. But it didn’t end there. I got her pregnant 3 more times, which ended in 2 more abortions, and a miscarriage, and soon after the miscarriage, we went our separate ways. I look back now and don’t blame her for leaving me. I had become very controlling and jealous. I do think about my unborn children and wonder what or who they may look like. I will miss out on seeing them grow up, get married, etc.. For a long time, I didn’t think much about it. I just kind of moved on trying to fill the hurt and void with more women. It was hard for me to trust anyone. I was filled with jealousy, insecurities. I was drinking quite a bit as well. It just seemed like the thing to do, but maybe I was doing it partly to numb the pain inside me. I’ve made a mess of my life. There came a point in my life where, all I was doing, was going to work, and then out to clubs to try and pick up women. Day in and day out. I think about Stacy every now and again. I hope she is doing better now. I feel like my heart is so hard right now.
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Very very inspiring article. It is the truth of Jesus that completes our heart and our life. Check also my reflection at http://gracepointers.com/2014/03/24/desiring-you/
Thank you Lelia, I wrote this down to remind myself: “there is no sin too heavy to stay nailed to the beams of the cross” — what an awesome reminder of our worth to our Savior. Thanks again for sharing.
That’s something I need reminded of too because by nature I sabotage God’s goodness in my life. Stick with reading AND applying what you learn in Renee’s book. It’s so life-changing!
Thank you Lelia for sharing! The thing most heavy on my heart is my own marriage. I want nothing more than to hear God say I am where I am supposed to be. Long story short, started hanging out with a man, found out he was married but was seperated. I was not following Christ then and did not have my priorities straight, so we dated and fell in love. For a while there was a love triangle going on (cant believe I am sharing this!!) between him, his ex-wife and myself. I grew up without a father and didnt know of the love of our Heavenly Father so I put this man on a pedistool. I just wanted to be with him. It was after I found myself pregnant, and I had another life to be responsible for that I knew my ways, and ways of thinking needed to change! I started going to church, I reached out for prayer to women I trusted in church and I broke up with that man. So pregnant and single I asked to be baptized. I felt so much peace and love. I knew from then on out I needed to live life the way God wanted me to. So for the first 7 months of my daughters life, her father and I were friends. Barely talked because it was really hard with all the past hurts. I started getting thoughts that maybe I could forgive, prayed and talked to God about it and after some time I brought it up with my daughter’s father. I said that there is a part of me that would like to try again under some conditions, he needed to be absolutely honest with me, no locks or password, no sex and we couldnt move in together until we were married. He agreed to these things and promised much more with tears of joy. We were engaged 9 months later and married 3 months after that. I have no worries of lying or cheating, he has been a wonderful boyfriend, fiance and husband but it’s all those dang past thoughts and the fact that his ex-wife and him have 3 children together so they need to talk. I completely understand that and would never want them to not talk. I guess i feel guilty, even though i’ve a bajillion conversations with my husband about my guilt and he tells me i have nothing to do with it, it was his decision but there is something in my heart that comes and goes. I know i am forgiven but why cant i shake this?? My husband and i have been married for almost 10 months now and it has honestly been blessing after blessing besides my insecurities. I dont want to remember my first years of marriage me always asking my husband if he wants to be with his ex-wife, i am driving myself crazy with these questions. Ok, i feel a little better, obviously you all now know what has been on my heart today haha. I am going to get to praying for some healing. God knew i needed this study!!
Brittany,
Thank you for sharing your story. Focus on God and allow Him to use any ugly in your past for His glory! And apply what you learn in Renee’s book. I can’t stress that enough! APPLY APPLY APPLY…there! 😉
Seriously though, this book is one I have read more than once and God has done some major changes in my life. Trust Him!!
Hugs,
Lelia
Thank-you Lelia for sharing your story. I ,too, have tried to fill my life with things or people instead of with the love of Jesus. I finally have reached the point that I knew I needed Him in my heart, so that I could be the person He had made me to be. Thanks to Renee as well, because my daughter and I are using this to study together from afar. She is in college, and we talk about it over the phone. Thanks for creating a way for my daughter and I to connect and grow closer to God!
Love this! And love how you and your girl are doing this together! So cool!
Thank you Lelia. Your story helped ease and reassure me (I need this assurance again and again) that He will not reject me, no matter how guilty I feel. I need to remember that no matter how I feel or view myself that it is not the way He feels about me. What a beautiful story of healing and love that was experienced between the three of you.
He came to you in your darkness- a great testimony of His character and love. It is so important for us to remember, understand and accept that darkness exists- but not to dwell there. He removes the darkness little by little and shows us a better way. Light exists also and we can choose to dwell there.
Thank you again for sharing Lelia. An amazing story- a miracle.
Amen Charlene! God is a miracle maker for sure! Thank you for your encouraging words! xo
Lelia,
Thank you so much for being open and honest about the trials you have faced in your marriage. It is so amazing to hear about the redemptive work that Christ has done in your heart and your marriage. Your testimony of God’s grace reminds me of just how wonderfully He worked withing my own heart and life. I spent many years of my life believing that I was a Christian despite the sinfulness I was entangled in. I spent my college years giving myself to different idols, premarital sex, drugs, alcohol, etc. It wasn’t until I became pregnant out of wedlock my last year of college that God humbled and broke my heart by His undeserving grace. God used what I thought was the scariest and worst thing that ever happened to me, pregnancy, to bring about the best for my life. He broke my heart and brought me to true faith and repentance in Christ. He showed me the beauty and joy of His love and how only He and He alone could fill the emptiness that my heart had felt for so long. I am so thankful for the unconditional love and mercy and grace that He demonstrated in my life. He took what I thought was a curse in my life and gave me the greatest blessings of all, a beautiful daughter who is now almost 4 and a godly husband who is adopting her as his own. Thank you once again for sharing the testimony of God’s love in your life. It has been an encouragement to me.
Deana,
I LOVE this! And I love how you shared your story, but you shared more of God’s grace and greatness! That’s awesome! Thank you for sharing this with us! Kisses to that sweet 4-year-old that belongs to you and your hubby!
Blessings,
Lelia
Leila – Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. My husband and I are dealing with the aftermath (at least I hope it’s over) of his second affair. Your story has encouraged me and taught me some things that I can do to get through the healing process.
Oh Bonnie, I love reading that this has encouraged you. I hope you see God’s greatness weaved through your own story.
Prayers for you sister!
Lelia thank you for sharing your story. I have done some shameful things just so that I wouldn’t feel empty inside. I have come along way since then but I still feel empty. The struggle is getting less and less but your words are so encouraging. When I read your story my first instinct after hearing what your husband confessed would have been to shutdown, but you didn’t do that. You gave it up to God. I shutdown too much. I feel to vulnerable and just stop right there and I don’t want to process anything or feel anything. But your story, I loved it. It gives me hope and lets me know even in the darkest of times I will be ok.
Yes Nicole, you will be okay!! 🙂 And soon you’ll be walking around housing a confident heart in a Savior that will fill you with a hope only He can.
Thank you for sharing!
Thank you 🙂 I feel just knowing other people are out there and hearing other’s stories helps. I hadn’t checked back since today and I needed to see your comment. It gave me hope and made my dreary day brighter.
Love God’s timing! 🙂
Thank you Lelia for sharing your heart with us. Your honesty and openness gives me hope that God is in control when all around us seems so out of control. The hurt and pain we suffer and deal with now will shape us into the person and the ministry God has for us.
Through reading chapter 3 this last week there was one statement that really stood out to me.
“Until God’s love is enough, nothing else will be”
Most of my life I have felt unloved and in the way… Not wanted by my family, not a suitable replacement for the family member who died.. The person I was named after, the person my family tried to recreate.
I felt my faith wasn’t sufficient and God could never love me because I wasn’t sure my faith was strong enough. How could God love me when it felt like no one else did.
I was not worthy of love even though I craved it and was looking for it.. Taking my cup to whoever would fill it even ever so slightly.
Reading chapter 3 and watching the video (particularly the video) has opened my eyes to the reasons I have tried filling those empty place with things, friendships and trying to control every situation to avoid pain.
I’m starting to understand in my heart that God’s love is enough as I begin sorting through and throwing out those things I have tried to replace His love with. I get that those things will never completely fulfill me.
Thank you Renee, your team and to all you lovely ladies who open your heart and tell your stories. Every story God is using to encourage and help us understand that we are not alone in this battle, even though we may never meet in person, as sisters in Christ we have the ability to support and encourage each other through his format.. YAY… JESUS 🙂
thank Lelia for sharing . You have encouraged me to seek God with ALL my heart concerning my daughter. God is enough and he can fill the barren places of my soul, just like he did yours
Sherry
Thank you Lelia.
Your story is a testament to Gods unfailing love.
You have inspired me.
Thanks again!
your story was powerful and awesome! I want to believe w/o doubt God wants me and that’s hard, so I do ask if you all would pray for me.
jfrink, you are covered in prayer!
Leila,
Thank you for being so transparent and sharing your story. I’m so sorry that you and your husband went through such a troubling time. But as you know forgiveness from God is what you both have received and deserved. And your story has touched and will continue to touch many lives. I too have been plagued by negativity, lack of self confidence, lack of self worth, being abused, being used by everyone in my life, my parents, my friends and it is so hard to get over and to get past. I read some of the posts and am relating to many others. I was assaulted twice, once in college and once as by an acquaintance, and getting past that took years. I struggled with trust, feeling safe. My parents raised me to not show emotion, that it was a sign of weakness, so each passing day I was dying a bit inside. My daughter’s father used to abuse me, and he slandered my name so badly in the town that we used to live in that we had to move. He said that my daughter was not his, he called me very bad names and it was so damaging to me as a person who was already so badly destroyed as a human being and I did not want my daughter to grow up in that town because I feared that he would influence her life negatively. The only amazing thing that I got out of that relationship was my daughter, God and her saved my life because I took her and ran away to protect her from that evil monster. When I met my now husband, I almost lost him too because I was so hurt by all of the previous relationships that I have been in that it was hard for me to accept and believe the things that he would say that were positive. My natural reaction was to push people away because that way you don’t have to let people get in and possibly hurt you. One day I fell to my knees on the beach in front of the ocean, and begged God for a change, because we had moved 1200 miles away from everything that was negative but oddly so familiar but I had almost pushed my husband away because I couldn’t get past all the negativity, we were almost to the point of divorce. I had my eyes closed and was crying, and suddenly I got knocked over by a wave, almost like it was to wash away some of the pain. My husband and his family were not religious people and that was something we always disagreed on, he never wanted to go. I found the most amazing church where we now live and my daughter and I used to go by ourselves. One day as I was sitting in church praying, crying, begging God to give me the family I wanted, to start to let go of the anger, the hurt, the the family that serves him, all of a sudden I felt a tap on the shoulder and there he was standing there. Ever since that day I am thanking God for what he has done, we are a lot closer, every day since I am forgiving him and others for hurts, every day since I am forgiving myself for mistakes and in reading this book and reading the stories of others I am not feeling so alone anymore. My husband and I pray together, which is in a miracle in itself. And I can only thank God for that. I know have experienced HIS unconditional love and he was just preparing me for things that are better than they used to be. I used to think that the world would be better off without me. But now I am starting to think that is just my past demons trying to over come me. Some sentences that are resonating with me are “a personal relationship with God sets us free to be all we were created to be” and “God’s love is perfect, so you don’t have to be”, and ” I was made to “know Him and be known by Him”. This book is honestly changing so many things in me. Renee, I can’t thank you enough for letting God touch your heart and writing this book.
I had a baby when i was 14 years old by a man that promised me the world but gave me nothing absolutely nothing not even a bag of pamper, at first i felt real bad when i first left him but later in ohio i found myself in the arms of another man this one a family member that i still hate to this day for what happened I believe God has forgiven me but I feel so unclean,by reading your book A confident heart has finally made me look at myself in a different oh such adifferent
Thank you for sharing your amazing story, Lelia! Your story is such a powerful reminder that God loves and forgives unfailingly!
Thank you so much Lela for sharing your experience. I too am a woman of God, having grown up in the church and currently working in my church and women’s ministry. I am have been having an affair now for 6 1/2 months and deeply feel the shame of my actions. I know this is not pleasing to God and I feel so ashamed. I want to end the affair, but have been reluctant to do so. I love this man and know how wrong it is to love him. My life feels so empty. Please pray for me.
Praying for you Barbara
Barbara,
When I began my affair I was working on the youth leadership team in our church. The scary part about this is we get good at walking through the motions of looking the part of a Christian woman while our heart for God slowly hardens. I pray that your desire for Christ becomes stronger than this affair you are choosing to be in. The only one that loves you here is Jesus Christ period and He will never hide His relationship with you, never sneak around with you, never leave you empty like I know this affair is doing.
I feel sad for you because I know the heaviness you are feeling with trying to serve in ministry while living a life so far from the plans God has for you. You sit in meetings, thinking “if she only knew this about me”. Such a destructive path.
Run sister. Please run.
Love to you from Nebraska!
Lelia
Thank you, Lelia, for sharing your story. I, too, felt empty in my marriage and filled up on affairs, which eventually tore my life apart….It is SO encouraging to see how you’ve brought it all to God…I want that, too; but, haven’t quite gotten there yet…..Our God is SO great….I know he is waiting for me to surrender totally when I am ready…I know He is there for me and loves me and for that, I am truly grateful…..
Leila – thanks so much for your honest and moving story. It’s so wonderful how much we are reminded of God’s unconditional and everlasting love for us. When we come to Him in truth, with no reservations no matter what we have done, in complete surrender, we are set free to experience His love for us. What greater love than that?! We serve such an AMAZING and LOVING God! Many blessings to you all.