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Renee Swope

Encouraging and equipping moms to parent with God's grace and confidence.

Trusting our very GREAT GOD in the midst of not so great news.

Every time I get a mammogram... I wonder if this will be “the day” – the day they tell me I need a biopsy.

That day came this past Tuesday. The radiologist told me I needed to schedule a needle tissue biopsy on my left side to see if a suspicious area has cancerous cells. I acted like it was no big deal while she explained exactly what they will do and how I need to prepare for it.

I think my brain went numb… until I walked out into the lobby and Holly asked me how things went.

That’s when I melted into tears and tried to explain what happened. She held me with her eyes and listened and helped me talk through what I needed to do next. Then we got a latte at Starbucks and slowly made our way toward the parking garage, and toward a new hard thing I didn’t want to have to process.

This All Started in December 1992
Seventeen years ago, my mom had a suspicious area that ended up being cancer and she had a mastectomy that year right before Christmas. Her mother had died of breast cancer in 1977. In the past several years my mom’s two neices (my two cousins) have had breast cancer. They are the only two females in my generation from mom’s side that hit their 40s before me. I am next in line in the age range that is risky. My cousin, Amy, just had a voluntary double mastectomy to avoid it all together. She is the sister of the other two that had it.

Two and a half years ago I got a routine mammogram and had to go back for a diagnostic one because of this “area.” At that time we decided I would start seeing an oncology surgeon (who is head of Oncology at Carolina’s medical) so that he could closely watch and help me navigate through decisions if a time like this came. He has been very concerned since the beginning and has even suggested throwing me into menopause early! (Mercy, I opted out of that one.) Anyway, he said they’d watch it and if it changed we’d do a biopsy.

It has changed, so here we are.

I fell asleep crying Tuesday night. Not because I was scared(yet)…but because I was exhausted. In fact, I told JJ and Holly and Lysa and my mom I was too tired to be scared. I couldn’t feel anything but weary and worn. I desperately needed to rest so I could get renewed mentally to make decisions about the timing of my biopsy – which everyone wanted me to do the next day!

I honestly don’t want to know the results (if something is wrong) for Christmas. A week of waiting won’t make it any worse. And not knowing doesn’t make me anxious.

That might sound odd, but if I know it is cancer then I have to face it and I’m not ready for that. It’s Christmas and I’m still recuperating from adopting a baby, traveling to Africa, having mom in the hospital and trying to write a book that I just signed a contract for before all this crazy stuff happened.

What’s Next?
Well, scared came. And so did denial. Then came questioning. Next came convincing myself it’s nothing.

It’s funny how our feelings and sense of what God is doing changes each day in times like these. Each day got better as I had time to sleep and pray, read God’s Word and process it all with JJ and my sweet Father who knows all things. I have sensed God’s nearness and His good. There are so many ways He’s intervened the past two weeks leading up to this and I have experience how very present He is in my time of need. I know I can trust my very great God in the midst of not so good news.

And I finally made my appointments. I am scheduled to see my oncologist this Monday, Dec 21st, at 2:30pm for an examination and to find out the “what ifs”. Then I have my biopsy on Monday, Dec 28th at 8:30am. I don’t think we’ll have too many answers until after my biopsy comes back the week of New Year’s.

Although this is really hard, I have peace and assurance deep in my soul that can only come from Jesus. He’s looking out for me, and so is JJ! He surprised me with a weekend away (that started last night) to rest and spend some time with Jesus. I am staying at one of my favorite hotels and it’s been wonderful. I am using this time to focus on and prepare for what is now – Christmas, my precious baby and boys, and the gift of time with my family. After Christmas, we’ll think about what might be next.

I love you my friends!!I’m so glad that we walk this journey together as we follow hard after Him.

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Comments

  1. I am praying for you. I just got the news that I have to go back in for a followup mammogram. I had to have a biopsy 3 years ago. I am trusting God for good news but know that He is with us in the journey. We are not alone. This may be of interest to you too. I adopted an African/American baby last year with my other children being in their teens so I know how hard it is to start all over. Just thankful that God has the wisdom and strength to carry us through.

  2. The Lord Bless The and Keep the The Lord to make his face to shine upone thee and be gracious unto thee the Lord lift up his countenance upon thee and give the Peace. Love you with all my heart.

  3. Renee, I just came over from Lysa's. It is 12:25 central time so it is getting close to your appt. on the east coast. I pray that you are feeling peace right now. I pray that you have strength and endurance to get through these next few hours and that it is better than you feel like it will be right now, the processing, talking, asking and answering questions. I pray specifically that your time in the waiting room be short and not filled with foot jiggling, short of breath, anxious waiting! I pray that God will give you people to smile at you and people to smile at. I pray that those who are supporting you will be filled with peace to help you the best they can. I pray that your doctor will have wisdom and that communication between the two of you will be clear. God, hear our prayers and keep walking with Renee as I KNOW you are! In Jesus' mighty name, Amen!

  5. My very dear friend. We have not met face to face, but I feel I know you from your blog. You will be in my prayers this holiday season.

    I too come from a family of females with breast cancer and I know those feelings that come with that. I have also recently been reminded of the power of prayer and the love of our Heavenly Father.

    A very dear friend of mine found out the first weekend in November that she had a T4 tumor in her colon. She was given a 5 year success rate of less than 25%. She was told that due to the size of the tumor, surgery was not an option at this point. Chemo and radiation were her only choice. So we prayed….her family, her friends, their churches, people who did not even know her. Two days later she was told that the tumor has formed a fistula basically creating it's own pathway to her intestines and that she had to have surgery immediately. It was a very risky surgery that could end very badly. Again, we prayed. The surgery lasted seven hours and she was told that she would be in ICU for at least a week if not longer. It would be touch and go. We prayed. She was out of ICU in two days, walking up and down the hallway in three. They said that she might possibly have an infection in the wound. We prayed. No infection and she came home the second week of December. Is she completely healed? No but her success rate is now over 80%. Our God is a mighty God and he knows the paths that are laid before us.

    So my dear friend, I pray. I pray for you. I pray for your doctors. I pray for your family and friends who are close to you. I simply pray.

  6. Renee, you are so very brave to share your journey with us. I am praying for you and your family.

    Connie

  7. Dearest Renee,
    I came from Lysa's blog. I remember your adoption story and rejoice with you. I now hear this story and I weep with you.

    I pray that God will keep you. May you always hold your Shield of Faith and remember your Helmet of Salvation as you focus your thoughts on Him. May our heavenly Father grant you the miracle you need. Be it healing, strength, peace or all of the above.

    He has a plan for your life, Renee. Hold on to Him. Jesus is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. He performed miracles then,He still performs them now. God bless you, dear sister in Christ. ((((HUGS)))))

  8. Hold tight to God, girl. Hold tight to God!

    Remember to speak God truths into your life, not negative talk. If it doesn't line up with the truth of God, rebuke it immediately and embrace the truth God has for you.

    Praying for you and your family as you celebrate the spectacular birth of our Savior!

    Rebecca

  10. Dear Renee,

    My prayers are with you during this rough time. I pray that things will turn out well with the biopsy. You have had a hard share of trials the past few months. Praying the Jesus' closeness to you will sustain you!

    Love, Andrea

  11. Dearest Renee,

    We really are in this thing together. I understand so much of what you've written here and am so astonished to hear that you are walking this path. There are no accidents on God's timeline, and I'm honored to walk alongside of you, my friend.

    Dearest Lord,

    You have blessed me beyond words with a precious friend like Renee. Her prayers and her messages of encouragement have lifted my own heart these past couple of weeks, and now it's my greatest privilege to return to your throne with her name on my lips and in my heart.

    Bless her today, Lord. Help her to recognize that you are indeed with her. It is You who has marked out this path. It is You who has already gone before her. It is You who will carry her. Let every step she takes today be by your design. Let the words that others speak to her be only from You.

    I pray that she will find comfort in You. I also pray that she will be surrounded and shielded by those who love her and are praying for her.

    Thank you, dear Lord, that you are greater than our hearts. Help her to find rest and peace and even deep joy in You. I pray that this will not overtake her but instead that You, the almighty one, will be her covering today.

    Bless my friend. Heal all that needs healing. And Lord, help us to trust. We love you. We give our lives to you. Thank you for holding us in your hands.

    We offer our prayers because you've asked us to and knowing that you listen and work on our behalf. We offer them in the strong and wonderful name of Jesus. Amen.

    Rest well sweet sister. I am praying for you and love you so.

    Karen True

  13. Renee, I woke up praying for you today. I love it when God does that! In the last 6 weeks, I've been walking with a friend through an initial diagnosis of stage 4 breast cancer. BUT with every surgery, every scan, every test, the docs have "downgraded" her to a stage 1. 🙂 Only God. Only God.

    Thank you for sharing your heart. It is a privilege to be on your prayer team!

    Deb

  15. Oh Renee,

    You must be so exhausted. Like, deep…deep…deep down in your gut. I am going to pray for you (and Josh…and Andrew…) today.

    love
    jess

  19. Renee, I am praying for you as well as JJ, your mom, and kids. Thank you for sharing with us and allowing us to pray for you.

    Angela

  20. I just dropped by to see what was up before heading to bed. I am so glad I did.

    I will pray for you as I close my eyes tonight. And will continue to pray in the days to come.

    Have a Christmas filled with all the joy your family can hold.