A guest post from Heather Bleier:
I grew up in the security of knowing my parents loved me and loved each other dearly. I also knew Jesus as my Lord, Savior, and confidant and that He had a plan for my life. I was excited to find out what He had in store for me.
With a flair for drama, I’d break out into song anytime and anywhere…grocery stores were my favorite. When I was five, I boldly told my mom I was going to be the next Celine Dion. But as my faith grew, I decided to become a contemporary Christian artist instead. I joined every choir I could. By middle school I was in our church’s Praise Team and adult choir, plus two of my school choirs. I could picture myself being on stage one day, singing my heart out for God; perhaps sharing a duet with Celine Dion at one of my concerts.
Life, however, rarely goes the way we plan.
As a young girl a man exposed himself to me and tried convincing me to follow him into the woods. Although I didn’t go with him, it left me feeling confused and ashamed. My parents divorced while I was in middle school. If that wasn’t hard enough to process, just before I started high school, my ex-boyfriend sexually assaulted me.
I wanted to be strong for those around me, so I chose not to tell anyone.
Throughout high school I pressed on, pretending nothing bad happened. I became a skilled actress, fooling even myself. Food became the only controllable thing in my life; going without for days at a time. When I graduated, I moved to Austin, TX to go to college. It was supposed to be a fresh start. I was supposed to be able to leave my pain in San Antonio, allowing it to vanish from my memory. It didn’t. Instead, my wounds were torn open when I was assaulted again in the fall of my freshman year. I silently clung to the cross harder than ever.
Still, I felt broken and empty inside, useless for ministry or marriage. How could someone prevail, becoming a woman of purpose and confidence?
One night, I hit rock bottom. God’s Word told me He was with me, but I felt forgotten and alone. As I stood in my room in despair, I thought about taking my own life as I held a knife to my wrist. I begged God to tell me how any of my past would fit into His plans. I needed to know; otherwise I had no reason to remain in existence. It was just too hard.
There are no words to describe what happened next. The devil’s hot breath was in my ear, urging me forward. But then I felt God wrap Himself around me, holding on to all I was worth as I crumbled to the floor. He spoke Jeremiah 29:11 into my heart, and I fully surrendered my life to Him, my plans, and every broken piece of my heart.
Through every trial, every pain, I had to cling to the promises poured out in God’s Word. Instead of being ruled by my ravaged emotions, I learned to stand firm on His unshakeable Truths.
Healing hasn’t been easy. But it’s been possible as I have filtered my thoughts through God’s Word… which is unchanging, true, and from the One who loves His children beyond what we can hope for or imagine.
I have clung to Psalm 46, especially the first two verses. Regardless of how I “felt” the Truth remained, God was WITH me through every trial, every pain, and He caught every tear. This simple Truth stays with me even now when hard times come.
Music has been another way God has spoken His Truths and comfort to my heart in a BIG way. I found music artists that helped me stay focused on who God is and who I wanted to be in Him. Margaret Becker’s album Soul was the first Christian CD I remember owning and every song filled me with hope, comfort, God’s Truth, and some really awesome 90’s dance moves.
Every day I have to make a choice. I can either choose to be swallowed by my painful past or my daily circumstances. Or, I can have faith in God’s plan for my life. I now know faith isn’t about believing everything will turn out well…it’s about trusting God NO MATTER how things turn out.
To be the woman we want to be, we must see ourselves through God’s eyes. We must cling to the cross of Jesus Christ and to His promises. He does not falter when our emotions run circles around our hearts. His view of us does not change…ever. We will always be His children. As His beloved daughters we can become the women HE wants us to be!
As Renee shared in Chapter 11, God tells us we are: Chosen, Redeemed, Loved, Remembered, Secure, Able and Called.
These are Truths worth clinging to. We don’t have to be confident in ourselves rather, we must have confidence in God’s love. Confident that He sees us; He knows our hurts and where is needed. He also knows our whole story and how it fits into the lives of others.
I so agree with Renee: “I pray that you will become a catalyst for other women to learn to live in the power of God’s promises because they have seen it happen to you.”
I didn’t become a professional singer. God moved in my heart to become a Director of Christian Education. He showed me that my calling was to help lead others to His heart, to demonstrate trust in His plans above our own…no matter what may happen.
Thank you so much Heather for sharing your story so vulnerably because you wanted us to see and draw near to the power of Jesus’ healing and hope. You have reminded us that it’s in our brokenness and surrender that He uses our dreams and gifts – to offer others the same comfort, redemption and encouragement we have found in Him.
Friends, I pray Heather’s story touches your heart and brings you hope as we read chapter 11 and ask God to help us become the women HE created us to be. He has a plan and a purpose for your life!! And He wants you to give away each day – a little bit or maybe a lot – sharing what He’s given you through Jesus.
I love how He is using Heather now, and the power of His healing in her brokenness, in ministry as she leads a middle and high school youth group, teaches middle school religion, oversees their Sunday School program, and sings in the praise team. In 2010, she married her best friend and the love of her life, Daniel. They’re bringing their first bundle of joy into this world mid- December. Heather also volunteers at Proverbs 31 Ministries with Melissa Taylor on the Gather and Grow Leadership Team. Be sure to stop by Heather’s blog Revolt and find her on Facebook and Twitter.
Your Turn:
What part of Heather’s testimony touched your heart today?
Please share your thoughts, and if you’re in my online study, please ALSO share an answer or two from our Chapter 11 questions. Just click “Share Your Thoughts” below this post. Heather and I can’t wait to connect with you today. {If you are reading this via email, click here to return to my blog.}
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Click here for my blog post: How to Beat the Bully of Doubt
The winner of my Confidence Boost giveaway is Erin Maxwell {announced July 26, 2012}.
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Hey there, I’m a new blogger coming from Roermond, Netherlands who found you on http://reneeswope.com/2012/07/the-woman-i-want-to-be/. Do you have any suggestions for up-and-coming writers? I’m working on launching
my own website soon but I don’t really know where to begin. Do you believe I should begin with a free site like Dotclear or shell out some cash into a pay site? There are so many choices out there that I’m completely overloaded.
.. What would you say?
Hi Heather and Renee, coming into this post a bit late, but certainly thankful to have seen it. The part that resonated the most with me was the part about “…Still, I felt broken and empty inside, useless for ministry or marriage. How could someone prevail, becoming a woman of purpose and confidence?”.
I have not had to deal with and endure anything remotely as difficult as your struggles, but the sentence did succinctly define the big “elephant in the room” for me right now about being ‘useless’ for, or ‘undeserving of’, certain things, particularly a loving marriage and family. I tend to be very candid and conversant with my faults and able to talk about anything, but flat-out saying (admitting?) how I felt about that in particular has obviously not been a strength of mine, and I feel like God is waiting for me to “get it together” with how I feel before I’ll be able to have any of that in my life (again). At any rate, I’m mostly a ‘lurker’ on the websites and blogs but I appreciate all of your excellent writing and sharing—sometimes you just need someone else to put how you feel into words, because you’re unable to do it yourself. Thanks again.
Heather,
Its amazing how God works in themes. I said almost these same words yesterday:
Every day I have to make a choice. I can either choose to be swallowed by my painful past or my daily circumstances. Or, I can have faith in God’s plan for my life.
I was thinking about when Paul said, I die daily – 1 Cor. 15:31. We must choose daily to die to self and our hurt and live for Him. Thank you for sharing your testimony. I am so happy for your family and I am sure you will make an amazing mother.
WOW! What a convicting statement about making a choice to not be swallowed by our pasts and daily circumstances and CHOOSE to have faith in God’s plan. In the past few years I have struggled with my own past hurts and have overcome them with God’s help. I have chosen to believe in God’s truth and forgive myself because he forgave long ago! I now see myself as a beautiful daughter of God (not everyday…) and choose to live for Him. He has brought many changes in my life, but I choose to believe that all is for HIS glory!!!
Thank you for sharing your story. I have copied the lines about choosing to have faith over circumstances into the front of my journal to remind me everyday about choosing GOD.
Such a sweet and honest testimony — thank you so much, Heather. It is always so wonderful to watch Jesus at work in the life of a heart who chooses to believe His Truth instead of our own feelings or the things the world says about us. Thank you for sharing and I pray blessings over your ministry and the lives you will touch by being obedient to Him.
Beautiful testimony. Distinguished and bold.
I finished A Confident Heart last week. It was like reading my own story in some ways. Confidence has never come easily for me. Most of my issues stemmed from derogatory comments when I was young from classmates and my older brother. I’m 51(almost 52) and still struggling with confidence issues. But have made some progress thanks to your book. Have a ways to go for sure…but up until now I have never felt the right to my opinions and thoughts. That has changed in the last few weeks. My husband and I are working towards repairing our marriage and it’s such hard work and I’m having to learn it’s ok to tell him my thoughts and feelings and to let him know that at times his reactions to that are not helpful….thanks for your story and the book….I look forward to sharing and recommending it to other.
Through every trial, every pain, we have to cling to the promises poured out in God’s Word. Also we should learned to stand firm in all trails and give thanks to him whether good or bad.
Thank you for sharing your story with us and also lifting my spirt.
i praise God that your spirit was lifted today.
Thank you, Heather, for sharing your story. I was waiting on the Lord for an answer when I asked, “Lord, how can I be around someone who doesn’t want me around and still put a smile on my face and act like it doesn’t bother me when everything is to be done their way or no way?” I’d rather be alone than to where I am not wanted. Proverbs 15:17 really describes my pain, “Better a small serving of vegetables with love than a fattened calf with hatred.” and upon reading what you posted, “Every day I have to make a choice. I can either choose to be swallowed by my painful past or my daily circumstances. Or, I can have faith in God’s plan for my life. I now know faith isn’t about believing everything will turn out well…it’s about trusting God NO MATTER how things turn out.” And I was able to smile through the rain because I was sure he knows and cares about my pain and all he wants me to do is trust him during these times. I am blessed to have sisters in Christ who are in their own lives waiting on the Lord with patient endurance.
Dear sister, I am so glad you found comfort in His Truth today. In so many ways, it really is a choice whether we rest in Him or wrestle on our own. He will always be faithful to send rescue. I am constantly amazed at the love He has for us, He sends what we need at just the right time!
Thank You Heather for sharing your heart! Pretending nothing happened…. Yes, I totally understand this.. so often in the past I have had to pretend. But , Gods truths are so worth clinging to… He has shown me thru this how to see others *pretense* with HIS eyes and be able to love them with His love….
I know our wonderful lord will continue to use you and God Bless your baby and family!
Clinging to God’s truth is better than simple comforts. That’s what brings the greatest comfort, His unshakeable Truth. How wonderful to know that He loves us no matter what pretense we put forth. Blessings to you as you love others like He does!
Heather, thank you for sharing your story, the part about pretending that nothing bad happened and going on with life and being strong sounds familiar. We try to be strong and instead we need to let God be strong for us. You have a great future ahead of you~enjoy it to the fullest.
In chapter 11 question #1 ~~~ my image of God has totally changed, I do see Him as being enough and I take time out to PRAISE Him during the day the day He has given me. All day long I need to remind myself the because He is my help I sing in the shadow of His wings~~~He holds me in the palm of HIs hand and I am made for Him and He takes care of me because we are precious in His sight. Our minds get carried away sometimes but we need to stay grounded and reel our thoughts in and bring them back to Jesus and go to His words and remember where we come from. Thanks Renee for the study~~~Sue
Thank you Susan, you said it beautifully, “We try to be strong and instead we need to let God be strong for us.” He is our strength and shield!
Thanks for sharing your story Heather!! It has been a much needed encouragement to me today 🙂
I’m thrilled that my story brought you encouragement.
I am so glad I read this today. It made me realize I not alone. Thank you father God. And thank you Renee. God Bless Lynne
I thank God He lead you here today, so that you would be comforted in knowing you are not alone! He is with you through everything that comes your way, He will never leave you, nor forsake you! Peace to you!
Heather, you are Isaiah 61:3 and 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 personified. Beautiful YOU… your life is what “beauty for ashes” looks like… Through YOU, I can see how the Father of compassion, the God of all comfort comforts us in all our troubles so we can pay that gift forward and give comfort and hope to others. Thank you for being a ray of sunshine and hope. Thank you for your heart of compassion and wisdom. Thank you for your courage to be so vulnerable. Through you, God is healing many. I love you sister.
I love you too Noelle! My hope is that others will find comfort and strength through my story, God’s work of healing in my life. Healing is possible for everyone! See you soon sister!!
Heather,
Wow!! Although I know your story, God has truly anointed your telling of it today. Your words are going to minister to many women who are hiding a secret that for years they have been ashamed to tell. Your story is a beautiful witness to God’s Hope. Thank you for making yourself so vulnerable. I pray that many women will meet Jesus in the midst of their shame, pain, and grief!!!
Your story is beautiful, and you are a true treasure in the Kingdom of God. May God continue to use you to bring many to the hope and healing found in Christ.
Love you,
Wendy
Thank you so much for stopping by Wendy, your example of courage is what has made it possible for me to step out in faith. I cannot tell you how excited I am to finally meet you next week! I love you too, see you very soon!
Reading this makes me think that maybe I haven’t really healed from the sexual abuse I endured as a child. I have always had trust issues and now I am wondering if part of that had to do with the abuse. I never really talked about it with anyone. I always felt different from every one else. It wasn’t in the good way either. I became a very good actor. I pretend that everything is OK when really it isn’t. I know that the pain and trust issues are affecting all my relationships, even my relationship with God. I have trouble believing that anyone can like me even when I do stupid stuff. The worst part is that I don’t even know where to turn for help. We barely make enough money to pay our bills at this point and I have no insurance. (My husband is on disability and my daughter has state insurance.) Sometimes, I don’t know how I make it through each day. This is where I give credit to God. It’s the only explanation of why I can go through everything I’ve gone through and still be sane. There’s a lot more to this story, but I don’t want to make this post too long.
Anyway, I have been hearing and seeing Jeremiah 29:11 a lot over the last year. I still haven’t fully figured out what it is supposed to be saying to me. Maybe I just haven’t really sat down and let it get into my heart. I think I’ll just have to slow my life down and spend some quiet time with God and let Him come into the hurt places in my heart and just allow Him to heal me and show me His love.
Connie, I understand what you mean about pretending everything is okay when it isn’t, I did the same thing. Talking it out with someone I trusted helped me a great deal and when I was a little older I did go to counseling for a little while. Since I didn’t have much money either and I still didn’t want people knowing what had happened, I went to a free clinic for those who had gone through sexual abuse, rape, and domestic violence. Though I would have preferred a Christian counselor, she did help me process through a few things that needed to be unpacked. Perhaps there may be a free clinic in your area as well. I found mine by going to our city’s website and searching there.
Keep Jeremiah 29:11 close to your heart sister, though His message many not be clear yet, He will reveal it completely when He knows you will have a better understanding of His calling in your life.
Hi Heather, thanks for sharing your story, I am very inspired by your courage to follow Jesus and heal. I love this Jeremiah verse. A sweet sweet friend of mine introduced me to it a few years ago as she was encouraging me to seek God’s plan for me, a plan that most of my family think is absolutely insane. It’s the plan I believe God placed in my heart as a young child, the plan I later veered off because of not trusting in Him and looking for love, confidence and purpose in the wrong places. As I was brought to my knees and realized that I was not able to maneuver things myself the voice that often had been right there, His voice, lead me to see that I needed to fulfill an unfinished plan. It’s now much harder to do being a mom, wife and the sole provider for the family and my doubts still creep in, but that’s when Jeremiah 29:11 comes in and my focus is back on. I think what I doubt the most is my own ability to “hear” God and not have my own plan twisted in to what I “think” is His plan. I pray for clarity, wisdom and perspective to ensure I am on the right path doing His work instead of this world’s. Thank you Ladies!! I LOVE what you guys do, the encouragement you spread. I once in college was touched by a Heather who followed Jesus, but sadly my maturity was lacking and I had to endure a whole slue of hardship in order to recognize some 15 years later that she had the right idea! Praise the Lord for eventually bringing me around! 🙂
Monika, I just love hearing how you are following God’s plan for your life and where you believe He is leading you! There were many in the Bible who didn’t follow God’s will right away, like Jonah, but once they did everything fell into place. I pray that as you continue to seek His will daily, He will straighten the path before you, give you strength, provision, and clarity.
My dad would never tell my mom he loved her, if she asked if he loved her he would say “hell no”. They divorced then remarried. I was date raped, went through a time of sleeping with any guy who wanted to be with “the fat girl”. I had an abortion at age 17, married twice to the wrong men,gave up another baby for adoption, moved in with another man who did not treat me right.
I found out just how much my Heavenly Father loved me – one day as I was alone in a pool, I heard God say, “why are you settling for 2nd best when I want to give you my very best?” It was a monumental turning point in my life. He would connect me with the man to whom I am now married and who is my soulmate. I am reminded each day of God’s awesome love.
God can bring beauty from our brokenness. I am so sorry for what you’ve had to go through Teresa, but thankful to hear how God has brought restoration back into your life! God’s love for us truly is astounding! Praying for many happy years with your husband!!
WOW!!! I like so many others can relate to your life’s story. My life hasn’t turned out as I planned, I turned to food, and I thought I could leave my past behind me too. As I was reading your story I realized that I am “angry” and a bit hardened. It is so good to connect with others who have moved past these things and are blessing others. I hope to join you in doing that one day. Heather, thank you for sharing your story. Renee, thank you for your book and this study.
I pray that God would soften your heart so that He can complete his work in your life. God provides us with opportunities to bless others with our lives, even while we in the midst of healing…and He can use you too Lora. Praying that He would lay out a straight path before your feet.