When I was in elementary school, I used to make bouquets out of azaleas and walk down the aisle of my dad’s long driveway lined with magnolia trees, imagining a prince waiting for me on the porch. Those were little girl dreams I thought I’d left behind.
In my devotion “I Haven’t Got Time for the Pain,” featured today at P31, I shared about struggles I had years ago with anger and unrealistic expectations towards my husband. One day God showed me that my broken dreams had become bitter expectations taking root in my heart: I wanted my husband to make up for all that my dad had never been, and it was destroying my marriage.
God showed me that I needed to forgive my father and release my feelings of bitterness, abandonment and disappointment, and invite Him into those hurting places. Only He could bind up my broken heart and set me free from the fear of never have a happy ending.
As I released my grip, God began to heal my heart and my marriage. It was the beginning of a bigger work He was doing in my life. He walked me through a season of looking back so I could move forward, and used that time to “rebuild [my] ancient ruins and restore the [broken] places [in my heart that had been] long devastated” (Isa. 61:4).
During that time, I realized there were several areas of my life that needed restoration. I decided to write out a timeline of my life and asked the Holy Spirit , whom Jesus referred to as our Counselor, to help me see the wounds I had buried in my past.
With each wound, I asked Jesus to heal the pain and claimed Isaiah 51:3, “The Lord will surely comfort [me] and will look with compassion on all [my] ruins; he will make [my] deserts like Eden, [my] wastelands like the garden of the Lord.”
Over time I started to release the pain of rejection, shame, wounds and deep disappointments. Although I knew God wanted me to deal with my past, I also knew God did not want me to dwell in the past. He would speak through His word, reminding me again and again, See, Renee, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you see it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland (Isa. 43:18–19).
Forgiving each person who’d hurt me wasn’t easy but it was essential. Often we are afraid to forgive because it might open us up to be hurt again. Or we’re afraid to deal with it, so we just leave it buried. But any time we bury a hurt that’s still alive, it just rises from the dead to haunt us.
In Ephesians 4, the Bible tells us to “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love… forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (vv. 2, 32). Forgiveness was demonstrated on a cross where Jesus displayed His perfect love by dying for imperfect people. At Calvary, Jesus laid down His pain and hurt and chose love and forgiveness instead. His forgiveness frees us to forgive others and ourselves.
Of course, some things are much harder and take more time to forgive than others. When I am really having a hard time forgiving or finding healing from a deep wound, I ask Jesus to cover my wounds with His blood. As Scripture tells us:
In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace that he lavished on us. With all wisdom and understanding . . . he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed. (Eph. 1:7–8; Isa. 53:5)
As I shared in my devotion, we can’t go back and change the circumstances or relationships that have wounded us, but we can go back and process the pain with Jesus. In fact, we won’t completely heal until we do. And left unresolved, the pain from yesterday can keep us from experiencing all that God has for us today and tomorrow.
As you process pain from your past that you have carried into your future. consider making a timeline of your life with key events, and write down any painful emotions and memories. Then ask the Holy Spirit to remind you where you have been, what those events caused, how far from God those things took you, and how they hurt you and others.
Invite God to enter into those memories with you. Give yourself time to grieve your losses as you ask Jesus to heal them with the power of His Holy Spirit as you focus your thoughts on transforming truths in His Word. As He shows you broken places, ask Him to bind up every wound with His healing touch and set you free from any captivity that has held you until now. Pray His promises. Cry if you need to. Just please take time, sweet friend, to heal so you can be whole again.
* If this is an area of your life you sense God leading you to dig deeper into, more about this part of my journey and this topic are in chapter 4 of A Confident Heart,
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I’m giving away 2 copies, A Confident Heart today. Just leave your name or a comment to enter by clicking on “Share Your Thoughts” below this post. Also, I invite you to share your thoughts about this post, or about today’s devotion, so I/we can pray for you. It would be my honor to do that. I love you sweet friends. God has given me such overwhelming love for each of you!
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We serve a Great Bib Wonderful God. It is amazing that he loves us. We just need to be willing to allow the Holy Spirit to dig deep into our hearts to heal the hurt that we all have experienced in our childhood. God can do amazign things with us women if we would allow the Holy S
pirit to do his work of healing in our lives.
Thank you for these devotions. I have struggled trying to be good enough my entire life. I never felt like I measured up because I was the awkward, clumsy child. Even though I know I have accomplished more than most in my circle of life, I still feel the doubt of being good enough. My family was always comparing me to my brother or cousins. My failures, and being told how I wasn’t good enough, caused me to go down the wrong path as a teenager just to gain acceptance. I have done many things I am not proud of, but I know God has brought me through so much so I can help others. Since I was not encouraged as a child, this is what I crave, and I see how to encourage others. God is using my wayward years to recognize the problems others may have, so I can encourage them. We would not doubt ourselves so much, if as a child, we were encouraged. I work with young children in our church and I try so hard to say something positive to them to make them feel good about themselves. You never know…that one small compliment may just be what they need to wipe away their doubts and fears and help them grow to be confident young men and women!
I identify with the anger and unrealistic expectations you experienced toward your husband. I deal with this as well and have never thought about the root of it. I’m going to do as you suggest and take a hard look at things from my past. Thank you for the encouragement to face it.
I love your vision of walking down the driveway, flowers in hand, to wed your prince. I think many of us have that dream. Though I don’t have the same time of father issues that you reference, I do think I’m very hard on men because I expect them all to match up to my father. And that’s just not going to happen. Guess that’s why I’m still single.
Renee, today’s post reminded me of this blog I felt led to write recently entitled, Back to the Future: Rowboats, Timelines, and Goal-Setting … “The Hebrew concept of time is like a person rowing a boat. We see where we have been, we back into the future. I can clearly see that God has been there with me all along. I am not stuck in the past, I am rowing into the future, moving forward, proactive, with my focus, my mindset, on God, who is sovereign. He sees the past, the present, and the future all-at-once. Morning after morning in my quiet time, I bring myself back to the Cross of Christ…as I bow before Him, I experience anew His forgiveness, redemption, mercy, and grace, as I sense His blood dripping over the Crown of Thorns pressed into His brow, onto my heart, covering my sin, and I get up from my knees wearing His Robe of righteousness as I face the day ahead…rowing into the future.”
http://bethwillismiller.blogspot.com/2011/09/back-to-future-rowboats-timelines-and.html …
I am amazed by what only 2 days of this study has done for me. I think of myself as a very confident person, however, I am beginning to realize that maybe my “over confidence” is actually stemmed from “lack of confidence”. I am learning that maybe in running away from things in the past, that I learned to coverup with a false covering of “over confidence”. Thank you for this study as apparently God led me to it in order to “remove the scales” from my eyes.
(Sorry your little one is sick, hope by today that has improved)
This book would be perfect for someone I know who just can not get out of the past.
Thank you Renee.
Renee,
As always, thank you for your transparency. Your devotion spoke to me–I came from a broken childhood home and I have had to grieve the dad I had verses the dad I “expected” to have. Those feelings of fear and abandonment from childhood run deep. Just when I think I have overcome them, more issues surface. I thank the Lord for your ministry.
The Lord led me to Isaiah 43:18-19 recently but I got stuck on the “I am doing a new thing, do you not perceive it?” I couldn’t perceive it. I am now starting to get a glimpse of the new thing but self-doubt holds me back.
Thanks Renee – this is something Im struggling with myself and your words are very encouraging!! You are such an inspiration!!
This is something I have really been struggling a lot with lately, stuff that resurfaces from the past and affects my present. Pain from a divorce where my ex choose drugs/alcohol over our marriage. I will be reading chapter 4 in hopes to heal this pain once and for all! I know I need to give it all to GOD! Thank you for your blessings.
Have a number of issues I need to address, this has made me decide to make the time to do it in spite of the pain I will feel. Thank you
Wow! Love your words today. Thanks for the opportunity to win two copies of your book!
Hi Renee. Your blog post spoke right my heart. I have a lot of hurt, regret and pain that I want to resolve so that I can be closer to Jesus, but I haven’t been able to do so. Over the last month, I have talked to God, asking Him how I can get past it all. I have cried on several occasions while in church, as my head lays on my pillow and in the arms of friends as I feel an immense amount of regret for my sins.
I feel regret for the decisions I made and how the present reminds me every day. I will have to do a timeline like you suggested but not until December because my life will be less crazy after the first of the month.
Thank you for your words, your encouragement and sharing your talent of putting words onto paper with us.
It is so great to read this, and to know that I am not alone. I am haunted by a vicious past, but my now is wonderful, and I am strong enough now to lay the past to rest. All I needed were faith, hope and a road map. I really want to get your book, but things are tight, so I admit I am gleaning every bit of info you are posting. I will be starting on my timeline today. Unfortunately mine begins at 2 and a half, when my parents gave me and my twin away because we were too much for them to handle. My adoptive father was physically abusive. So I definitely have a starting place. Say a prayer for me as I undertake this journey, as you have explained it to us. Thanks and God Bless yOu!
Your book sounds like the perfect gift for my friend who is dealing with pain from the past. Thank you for sharing your journey. There are so many who are hurting and yet don’t know how they can “solve” their problems. Thank you for all that you do to encourage us. I will be praying for you and for your family.
It is 4:58 in the morning and today is 10/13/11. I’m 36 wks pregnant, couldn’t sleep so I decided to read my emails. Your devotion from yesterday knocked down the door to my heart. I’m currently dealing with present pain that is connected to past pain that I decided not to deal with due to my prenancy and simply put”I haven’t got time for the pain.” You have blessed me tremendously.
God gives ordinary people the ability to bless others in extraordinary ways.
Thank you, Again
Necole
I am in the process of walking through this with God. Unfortunately my marriage didn’t make it. Pls pray for me becauseas this healing process it’s confusing and painful. The enemy keeps throwing distractions and doubt . I can’t wait to be set free and to begin to walk in peace fulfilling Gods plan for my life. Your book sounds amazing. Thanks for touching me today with hope.
Dear Renee
God is Great! I’ve read your post of the past three days. Thank you so much for the advice/guidance. I am about to get married to a pastor and have had the doubts of “will I be able to make it as a Pastor’s wife, what if I fail, am I worthy of doing such a great job for God ? etc.”
Todays post was just as awesome! Dealing with the hurt and pain of the past so that it does not have an effect on your present.
Thank you so much for being God’s vessel. Much appreciated. God Bless you and your family.
This message couldn’t have come into my inbox at a more perfect time! I read it right after I found out that my ex-boyfriend is on a dating site again – yes, same one we met on 🙁 It wasn’t wise of me to respond to the 10 day free trial email. I think a part of me was curious if he was on there because a friend had mentioned she saw him there.
It hurt a lot when I saw he had 2 different profiles going at the same time and he described himself very different from my experience with him (ofcourse his profile sounded like the kind I would be interested in – wants to become best friends, take things slow…what a bunch of B.S.) He also mentioned something that alluded to me and it was so sad to me that he could misunderstand me so. I feel like explaining myself and helping him believe the “truth” about me, about himself. My adrenaline began pumping, then I felt numb, then I cried. I talked to a friend on messenger and said, I don’t want to deal with this! I felt exactly like what you said in your email, there is a fear that I will fall apart and slip into depression and lose everything – my friendships, my job…my dreams of being a pottery instructor and successful potter.
What hurts a lot is this guy pushed my boundaries sexually, and I was so upset when this first happened that he disrespected me in a “small” way, it happened again and I should have gone with my first reaction and just ran and kept running. It clouded our relationship. He tried to pray to God whether or not we should get married…but I don’t think God was happy with the way we were doing things in our relationship. 🙁
I have a lot of grieving to do. 36 years old, never been married…technically a virgin but really coming close to going over the edge. This guy represented the end to my singleness, loneliness…he disappointed me in many ways.
I am busy, not getting enough sleep at all…working full time, teaching pottery in the evening, making my own pottery to get ready for a sale on the weekend, working on a mom2mom africa project. I really don’t know how to fit processing the past into this busy schedule…and I honestly don’t want to go to counselling any more…I don’t want to deal with stuff and go through the process while my ex-boyfriend goes on to get married to someone else and get his dreams while I’m “processing”. Honestly!
But then, I recognize that I need healing and how can i ignore that God wants to take me through that process? The only good thing right now is that God is speaking to me through your writings and all I know is I needed to let you know that you are on the right track, the Holy Spirit is obviously blessing what you do. I would really appreciate your prayer…I have no idea who to talk to about this (I have talked to God). I’ve been through a break up in the past that didn’t push physical boundaries at all…but the older I get..it’s wearing me down…I’m giving up on myself and giving up on God’s ways of doing things. I do really need help…please pray that God continues to lead me every day and give me wisdom to know what my interaction should be with this ex-boyfriend. 🙁 My heart still hangs on to some kind of hope that we will get back together. 🙁 What foolishness..please pray that God would break the soul ties and help me to not get into a situation like this again.
Thanks for being obedient to the call on your life.
Sincerely,
Sally