Fearful. Betrayed. Abandoned. Unloved. Unworthy. Unwanted.
These are a few words that defined Donna and cast shadows over her. Here’s Donna’s story…
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Fearful. Betrayed. Abandoned. Unloved. Unworthy. Unwanted.
These were shadows from a past that would haunt me for years. A past that would hold me hostage and keep me from fully living in the light of God’s love.
Fearful as I watched a hot plate of spaghetti thrown across the kitchen. Fearful as I watched furniture crash against walls. Fearful as my dad fell to the ground a few feet from my mom after he’d swung at her and lost his balance.
Betrayed after my intoxicated father sat me on the back of a horse without a saddle or reins to hold, and then swiped the horse’s rear end. Betrayed as he laughed with his friends while I went sailing through the air and landed on a barb wired fence.
Abandoned and unwanted when my dad filed divorce papers and when I discovered he failed to even get my name and birthday correct on them. Abandoned each time my dad refused to pay child support. Unwanted as years went by without visits, phone calls, hugs, birthday gifts.
Unloved and unworthy when my dad broke promise after promise… to visit, to call, to show up for my high school graduation, to pay for college.
Fearful, betrayed, abandoned, unloved, unworthy, and unwanted. Words and emotions that I let define me and cast shadows over me … until July 2011.
Through several of my Pastor’s sermons and through a friend’s father passing away, I sensed God asking: “How would you feel and what would you do if your Dad were to die this very day?”
I had no answer. I didn’t even know or really even think I liked my dad, much less loved him. Fifteen years had gone by since I’d seen him.
Around that same time, God challenged me with two words: ACCEPT and CHOICE
I had a choice and I made it. Following God’s nudging, on July 1, 2011 I went to see my father and accepted him for who he is.
In doing so, for the first time ever, I was able to ACCEPT my past. God made it perfectly clear to me that I could not change my dad nor my past. My only job was to pray for my Dad. I cannot tell you the burden that lifted from my entire being on July 1st.
God took my acceptance one step further. He told me I had a CHOICE!
A choice to believe that He is who He says He is. A choice to believe His promises; a choice to believe I was worth dying for; a choice to be filled with His joy; a choice to let Him be my Father, my Abba Daddy; a choice to live with a confident heart.
And it’s up to me to make those choices 24/7. Not just on Sunday. Not just at 9am when my day starts – but constantly make those choices. So I get up every morning and choose to believe that God is a Promise Keeper. I make the choice – to believe He loves me like no other can nor will, to pray for my Dad, to let go of the anger. I choose to live in the Light of Jesus so I can have a the freedom and security of a confident heart.
There are days, even minutes, that I don’t make the right choices. But the good thing is as I get better and better at making those choices my rebound time gets shorter and shorter. I get quicker at turning back to the Light.
I’m praying for you today – that together we can turn towards and live in the Light of God’s love. That He’ll give us courage to make the choices He’s asking us to make and accept what He’s calling us to accept so that we can keep turning and growing.
Lord, thank You for Your promises. I thank You that You have called me out of the darkness and into Your light. Thank You for transforming my heart into a heart like Yours. In Jesus’ name. Amen.
Donna, sweet friend, thank you for boldly believing Jesus and walking in obedient trust of His calling on your life. Your story and your faith challenge and encourage me to listen for His voice and do the hard thing of believing Him when my feelings are demanding their way. I”m so grateful for the Light and the way you walk in Him!
***
Connecting in Community & A Giveaway: What is God speaking to your heart as you read Donna’s story o? Or is there something in chapter 5 that resonated with a change, a choice or a place of acceptance God’s inviting you to? Let’s share here and/or some of the answers to our end of chapter questions this week. Whatever is on your heart.
Donna has generously donated 4 copies of my book {for you or a friend?} Winners will be prayerfully and randomly drawn on Monday from comments left below today’s post. Just click “share your thoughts” and do just that. {If you’re reading this via email click here to share, enter and connect.}
PS. Here’s a music video that Donna shared with me – it reminds us of Chapter 5. After you leave a comment, be sure to watch/listen and let it speak to your heart today or when you have a chance later to come back and stay a little longer.
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I have a lot of forgiving and work to do on letting go of my past too. I would love to read this book.
Angie Hite,
We are all a work in progress with the forgiveness and the letting go. I always have to remember that those are a choice as well. Choices that I am faced with every day. Praying for you as you forgive others just as God forgave you.
Blessings
Donna
Blessings, Donna you said everything one needed to here like if God painted the picture of my past to you, missing out on his love made me not trusting anyone wh osays they loved me with out a a catch and believe it or not i was hard for me to trust that God really loved me but what you said was true, we all have that choice to believing in our Creator and acept the past in order to move on, these words made me see and understanding that i need to stay away from the darkness where i was once and remine in the light i am in presently, that all we are going throu is a test and blessed if he/she that are been tested, thank you for your encouraging words may God continue blessing you and yours
Angie,
It’s all God and how He also chooses to use us! I am very humbled, blessed and honored that God would use me to honor and glorify Himself and to change the hearts of others just as He used Renee and her words to change my heart for His purposes.
Praying for you as you seek the LIGHT and stay in the LIGHT! Praying for God to heal your heart and hurts as only He can. He loves you so much!!
Donna B
Donna thanks, both you and Renee are blessed for allowing us to feel and see that we are not alone, thank you both for allowing God to used your temple to help us, and allowing us to open up to things we wish to scream out and say but could not. for as short as chapter 5 is it hurt me the most so far (have not read the others yet) more than chapter 4 cause it took me back to all past pain from grandma to dad to first, second and third love to be with one now and keep comparing him to what they did to me waiting to see when he will, hit, cheat, lie, used or pretend that he love me to my surprise he is totally different, but truthfully my sister remind me he is not mind my kids are not mind for all is borrowed God give and He can take away, so enjoy God’s blessing for now and know someday He might take it/them away, Father in the name of Jesus I thank You for Your loving kindness I thank You for the hearts for all that knows You and all that don’t, You said that if 99 sheep’s are save and 1 out of the hundred got lost You will go out and look for him/her, so Father if any of us is that 1 lost sheep Father God my prayer is that you take us out of the darkness that have us lost and give us that light to lead us back to You, Father may you strengthen us to do Your will in the name of our Lord Jesus this I pray in Jesus precious name Amen
Oh Donna…praise God for your faith and your freedom in forgiving. What painful memories…and yet, God’s call to forgive, because He truly knows what’s best for us. He is our perfect Father. My mother was the one who I had to learn to forgive. Actually, I too chose…to obey God. I knew He was calling me to it. Even though I had to forgive over and over again. Mom stopped by almost daily, though I asked her to respect my boundaries and would feel panicked when I saw her heading toward my door. She was emotionally abusive–critical, hysterical, angry, blaming, and sometimes vicious. She did not know how to love. Now Mom has Alzheimer’s. She is finally on the meds she probably should’ve been on for many, many years. Her memory fails her miserably…and yet, she is happier and kinder than she’s ever been before. Now, at 53, I can enjoy my sweet 81-year-old mother, who never utters a critical word. She’s a pleasure to be with. It’s pretty unbelievable…and a gift that has smoothed over a lot of the past hurts. Bless you!
Elise,
So thankful for you and how God is using you to love on your Mom even through the past hurts. I love how God works things out for His glory and for His purposes in all of our lifes. Praising Him for how He has filled you with His forgiveness and how you have extended that forgiveness to your Mom. Praying for you and for your daily choices as well.
Thanks for blessing me and others in this group with your amazing story of forgivness and love.
Donna B
You story has been so thought provoking for me. I had always thought that the abuse that I have suffered was because of me. I am going to sit down with pen and paper and list the people in my past and present that have hurt and abused me and write down things about them that make them who they are and look ad see why they are like they are and this is myself included! I will then try to accept these people for who they are and maybe finely let go of some of the pain and emotional bagage that I have been carrying around! I have always tried to keep the peace and it seems to have always turned on me. I know this may sound crazy but after suffering physical, mental, emotional, 2 unfaithful husbands, the easiest for me to deal with was the physical abuse because the bruises and pain would go away when the pain from the other did not! Luckily I was not severly physically abused. i would not tell people what was going on either so I feel like it was my fault there too. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us because it has really touched my heart deeply and opened my eyes!!
God, I thank you for Jan and her desire to seek after you and your will. Give her your eyes to see others through. Give her the courage and the boldness to forgive others as you forgive and forgave her. Fill her with your love and let her extend that love to others that you have placed in her life. Fill her up with yourself, your grace, your mercy, your compassion, your understanding, your love. Show Jan how to extend these things to others. Heal her heart. Draw her close to you. Use Jan so that others will see you in her. In Jesus’ name, I pray, Amen.
Donna, thank you so much for praying for me. I did not get to check yesterday but I really needed it this morning! I start counciling this morning and I feel that God has led me to this lady and I can not wait to start! I am going to pring out your prayer and read it every day, maybe several times a day! Thank you again so much.
My session was more than I could have ever expected! i can not wait until next week. There were so many things that she opened my eyes and heart to this morning. I know that this will be an ongoing process but it was such a great start! She made me see that I really am worth something. God created me and that I am wonderful and I do bad things but that does not make me worthless. She helped me understand not to allow other people to make me feel worthless, belittle me, or hurt me in any way. The first day of the rest of my life started today! I praise God for this!!
Reading Donna’s story makes me think about all the children who were abandoned, who have never met their father, or don’t know why he is not in their life, and don’t know our heavenly Father either. If only we could give them all the gift of knowing their Heavenly Father, as each of us do.
Dawn, I love the reminder and I so agree with you. I volunteer with the Global Orphan Project and have been to Haiti three times after the hurricanes and the earthquake. And the last time I went, we organized and lead approximately 120 orphans with a week of Vacation Bible Church. I also financially support 6 little Haitian girls. Love them and miss them. Haiti unfortunately has deemed and labeled unadoptable. It’s sad …. And not sure if you know Renee’s and Aster’s story. Renee, JJ and their boys adopted Aster from Ethopia. Love Renee’s heart for adoption and Aster! Brings tears to my eyes when I see pictures of her!
Hi, I have just read Donna’s journey of faith and release form the past and how it affected her relationship with her father. That is truly amazing and blessed me so much. While reading her words I thought of a young friend of mine who is held back by her past and in particular by her parents lack of care and support for her as she grew up .I so long to see her released from the unforgiveness and bitterness in her young heart.That day will come. So it was especially encouraging to read the process of how donna arrived at that point , even naming the date specifically. I think my job now is to pray in faith for my young friend that she too will arrive at a point where she too will name the date of her turning point and be able to move forward and have a renewed relationship with her parents, in particular her father. Thanks.
Christine, praying alongside you! Love you heart towards your friend and her parents. Can’t wait to you get to share that turning point date with Renee and I.
May God bless and restore that relationship for His glory.
Donna B.
I have a ‘choice’. A choise to turn from doubt, anger, depression, fear, worry, self-pity. A choice to belive God’s word. A choice to walk in the light, instead of the shadow of my doubts. (learning, learning, learning…)
Thank you Stephanie for what I needed to
hear… I’m reading another book now & it is now talking about “choices.”
Think that God is talking to me? Thanks again for your comment. I don’t feel
so alone!
Susan,
God loves you and you are so right. You are never alone! He is there and walks every step with you!
Blessings,
Donna
YAY God and YAY Stephanie!!
Wow-just read Donna’s story-made me cry for that little girl.
I wanted to hug her and love her thru it all. In chapter 5 it says,
“its important to realize that damaged emotions and insecurities
from our past have a powerful influence over how we see ourselves
now.” I am living that statement. Feelings of low self-worth haunt
me. I was a sensitive child who was told not to feel the way I did.
I was made to feel shame over how “different” I felt. I wish I could tell
that little girl that she was special because God made her-even with
her sensitivity. I felt and still feel “wrong.” I look at others who seem to
look to God for love and support -how can I get there
too???????
Susan,
I’m feeling the hugs! Thank you so much for your tender heart! God gave you your sensitive heart! Take it and claim it, you will be amazed at how God uses your tender heart to show His love!
Not only are you SPECIAL, but you are LOVED by the Creator of the universe, ADORED by the King of Kings, CHOSEN by a God who loves you like crazy, and REDEEMED by the love and blood of His amazing son JESUS!
And it’s in all of these things, that God had given you the CHOICE to BELIEVE Him!! A CHOICE to TRUST Him!!
Turn to the LIGHT and keep turning to the LIGHT! Turn towards His heart and He will let you find Him, choice by choice, hour by hour , day by day.
Praying for you and hugging you back!
Donna B.
Donna-Thank you for sharing your testimony with us. I admire to be so open about what you are going through. Will be praying for you. Thanks for sharing and God Bless!
Shannon, thanks for the prayers! Taking them and claiming them.
And please know that I, along with Renee, will be praying for each of you.
Keep turning those pages and keep your eyes on the LIGHT,
Donna B.
That took so much faith and guts to make those changes. It is so hard to accept some things until we let go and live by faith through God knowing that he will always be there for us. You are so brave.
Cassie,
It is all God – His faithfulness, His strength and His grace! I love His promises in 2 Corinthians 12:9 “My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness.” and in Philippians 4:13 “I have strength for all things in Christ Who empowers me”. It’s when we rely on Him that He does His best work in and through us.
Thank you so much for your encouraging words.
Donna B.
I have a similar story of abandonment by an earthly father. God has shown me time and time again that he is my Abba, that I need to accept and forgive. Thank you so much for sharing, I needed this reminder to continually bathe in Christ’s love light so my heart will be ready to love, accept and forgive through his power not mine. God’s great timing at work! Alleluia! Go God!
Shawna,
Praising Him with you Sister!! Love how He has so much patience with each of us! And I too need that reminder daily …. no make that hourly! Thank you so much for sharing.
Donna B
This story sent chills down my spine….at no age is it good to have to experience sadness such as that, but I’m so grateful that you allowed God to use it all to draw you closer to Him. I am using my own personal experiences, as well, to show others around me how faithfulness and complete trust in the Lord is the only way to make through difficult times. Blessings to you, Donna, for sharing your story.
Thanks so much Tiffany! I am amazed about how much of how we react or what we do in response to what others do to us all goes back to our choices. It was definitely not fun to go through but I have chosen like you to allow God to use it for His glory. All the glory goes to God! What an amazing thing when God uses our pain to draw others closer to Himself and us closer too! What a privilege to be used by our amazing Father in such amazing ways. I so love HIS grace towards me!
Blessings for you as your journey closer to His heart,
Donna
Thank you for sharing Donna.
I could have written that title. My father was an alcoholic too. I remember enchiladas all over the kitchen floor in the middle of the night. I remember is girlfriend showing up in the middle of the night, and then the phone calls if he didn’t meet her at the bar. I was the unplanned baby of the family. When I was 14 I told my Mom to divorce him. Well daddy married the girlfriend when I was 15, in April or May. Then my Mom remarried, my step-dad was a drunk too. But my world got rocked hard on Aug 6, 1974. My step Mom murdered my dad. I’m 53 now & still recovering from all of that. I would love to read the book A confident Heart, but I get encouragement just from ya’ll being willing to share your painful past with me. It’s so comforting to know that I’m not alone in the disappointments of my growing up years. I tell myself everyday that God loves me, has a plan for my life, but most importantly God doesn’t make junk. My parents might have made me feel all those things – fearful, afraid, unwanted, unloved, abandoned, BUT GOD makes me feel Loved & Special.
Our stories might not be exactly the same but we have over come a lot of the same emotional scars. Thank you so much for sharing Renee.
Patti, thanks so much for sharing your story. And you are so not alone. Praying for healing for you and your heart as well. And you so right!!! God has a HUGE plan for your life! We are both fearfully and wonderfully made for His kingdom purposes!
Thanks for sharing,
Donna B
No matter what I do, God will not let me rant and rage about my father. I have been sitting here wanting to drag him through the mud, but God keeps telling me that I am better than that and to let it go. I have accepted that my father is who he is and nothing will change. I lived 23 years before him and I will continue to be the loving woman that I have become, because of the love and acceptance that I have had all 49 years of my life from a strong mother, a loving family and my savior God!
Praising God with you Ernice!! Love how God is working in your life!
Donna B
Donna,
Wow, what a powerful testimony! I had know idea that you experienced such a shattered childhood. I’m so that your daddy didn’t love you the way he should have. I glad you said yes to Jesus and chose His unconditional love that never fails or disappears.
Thank you for being so revealing and honest about your past. I’m sure that sharing your story wasn’t easy but I truly believe it will give others, who have experienced brokenness such as yours, the hope and encouragement they so desperately need.
You’ve been such a blessing!!
Love,
Leah
Leah,
Thank you so much for always being such an encourager. I love how God gives me my own little “Barnabus’s to walk this journey with and thankful that you are one of those! Can’t wait to meet you at She Speaks!
Thanks again,
Donna B
Wow, timing, God’s timing. I was told by my counselor last night, with my husband confirming his words, that I AM worthy, I am NOT stupid and HE LOVES ME! Thanks for additional confirmation.
Praising God for the additonal confirmation! You are worthy!!! You are loved!!! You are chosen!!! You are redeemed!! And God has an amazing plan for YOU!!!!
Renee, Donna’s story could be my story. I have always struggled with feelings of rejection since childhood and even through marriage, yet I know God has a better plan for me even when I struggle today with feelings like that still. Today is one of those days.
Praying for you Angie Webb.
God, replace Angie’s feelings of rejection with the promise of your love found in John 3:16-17. Help Angie to grasp how wide, how deep, how long and how tall your love for her is. Give Angie an understanding of who she is in and who you are in her! Fill her to the point of overflowing with your love, your grace, your mercy, your compassion, your kindness and most of all, yourself! Guide and direct Angie’s steps toward your heart. Reveal yourself to Angie in ways that she has never experienced. Protect her thoughts and show Angie how to take those thoughts of rejectionthat are not of you and throw them away and replace them with thoughts of you and your love. In Jesus’ name. Amen.
I have felt this myself with my ex. Who was abusive verbally and physically. It is the verbal that stayed with me. God told me that I was ok and yes that I was doing the right thing by leaving and moving out of state at the time. And praise God he delivered me. I forgave and thought I let go of the hurt but these past few weeks I have found that I havent quite succeeded but you know I am not giving up or giving in. I am letting God take control. I give him praise and glory.
Denise,
God I thank you for how you are working in Denise’s life. Go before her, help her forgive in the same manner as you forgave her. Help Denise let go of the hurt and be filled with your love and your peace. In Jesus’ name. Amen
I am so thankful that God is faithful. We never need to doubt that He loves us and is at work in our lives turning painful experiences into blessings, for our good.
Praising God for His faithfulness with you!!
As I read your story Donna, I felt like I was reading my own. My Father was a bi-polar alcoholic and could be the kindest most giving man one week and pure evil the next. Life at my house was hard. I never invited friends over. When I was 10 my Dad left – went on to marry 5 more times. I would visit him when he was “up” and then not hear from him for long periods. He didn’t show for my high school graduation, paid my first semester of college then disappeared, no show at my wedding…anyway you get the point.
What is really odd is God was using all of this in my life before I even knew God. Whenever I spoke of my Dad I only chose the happy memories. Realizing at a young age It did no good to dwell on the bad. I couldn’t change it. My Dad showed up several years ago right after the birth of my youngest daughter destitute and desperate.. I took him in and found out soon after he had Alzheimer’s. I cared for him alone for six years (my sisters and brother would have nothing to do with him). Anyway, all of that happened BEFORE I found Jesus.
After I was saved, I looked back over my life. All of the pain, turmoil and choices I made. I knew right then that Jesus had been with me the entire time. He gave the eight year old the strength to clean the puddles of blood off the kitchen floor after one particularly violent night. He brought people into the life of that young college freshman who would help her find ways to pay for the college degree. He was ALWAYS right there. Loving, comforting and protecting me. That realization is what truly opened my heart to His love and leading. It solidified my faith in Him.
I am not claiming I don’t have baggage from my life of turmoil in those formidable years. I do!! Jesus made Himself known to me at this time in my life so I could deal with those. This book and study is helping tremendously. But I have no doubt that He is leading me, guiding me, holding my hand and will always right there. The lesson learned from Him showing me He was there all along has made me sure He will continue the journey. He truly is the light. I choose to look at my life and my circumstances as a blessing which has brought me closer to God and not a curse I need to escape.
Thanks for sharing Donna. I’m glad you received your blessing out of your ordeal!!
Michelle,
Thanks for sharing your amazing story! It reminds me of the verse in Matthew 25:40 “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’! You were living out this verse in your life with your Dad. I love watching our God work in the lifes of His daughters!!
Thanks again for sharing. Praying for you as He leads you closer and closer to His heart.
Donna B
“I looked back over my life. All of the pain, turmoil and choices I made. I knew right then that Jesus had been with me the entire time.” That is a powerful statement! Thank you for sharing.
YAY for God’s revelation!!! Love how He promises that He will never leave nor forsake! It goes against His character and who is to break His promises!! LOVE how is our Promise Keeper!!
Blessings and blessings from Him!
Donna B