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Renee Swope

Encouraging and equipping moms to parent with God's grace and confidence.

Read An Excerpt: Chapter 1 & 2

Hearing with My Heart

********** Winner announced at the end of this post ***************


The word “listen” is mentioned in the Bible over 400 times! I guess that means it’s important to God. Listening is not one of my natural strengths but it’s something I’ve really worked on because it’s important to me, too.

Listening is about more than hearing someone’s words. Listening is about hearing someone’s heart by listening with mine.

I think I’m a little A.D.D.. My thoughts go a million miles an hour in a thousand directions, and I can get easily distracted. It’s not so much that I can’t focus, but that my brain tends to focus on more than one thing at a time. My husband can’t understand how I can be on the phone talking to a friend and also hear every word he just said to one of our kids, and repeat both conversations.

When I am listening with my heart, it’s different. I am fully engaged. I am leaning in, and I am giving someone my full attention. Here are a few things I have learned about listening that have helped me become a better listener.

Minimize distractions: Turning off cell phones, computers and televisions helps us give our full attention, or talking in a place where distractions are less likely is even better.

Use encouraging body language: Nodding your head tells someone you hear what they are saying and encourages them to continue. Using postures, positions and movements similar to the person talking helps them relax and open up.

Put yourself in their shoes: Active listening is not about inward thinking. We can avoid thinking about how what they are saying impacts us personally by looking at problems from the other person’s perspective, actively trying to see his or her point of view.

Avoid Interrupting: One of the biggest challenges to listening is impulse thoughts that become impulse interruptions. Write down thoughts and wait for the other person to talk at their own pace. Although sharing a common experience can be helpful, it also takes the focus off of them. Only share personal experiences briefly to empathize but then turn the focus back to them.

Repeat and encourage: Repeat some things they say and encourage them with positive feedback. For example, you might say: “You didn’t feel like that was fair, and I can see why.” Make eye contact from time to time. It’s not good to stare, but it is good to show warmth and interest in what they are saying.

Summarize: During an in-depth conversation, it’s good to summarize what someone is saying and say it back in your own words. This assures them you have truly been listening. It also gives them a chance to correct miscommunications or wrong assumptions.

Ask Questions: Meaningful questions help a person reach their own conclusions. Towards the end of the conversation it’s good to transition to guiding questions. For example: “I understand why you didn’t feel like it was fair, but help me understand why you felt like you couldn’t say anything about it to me/them sooner.” Wording questions this way also helps someone move from an emotional response to a more constructive response.

One of the most important aspects of any relationship is communication, and listening is key. By listening with your heart, you will strengthen and build your most important relationships.

In my devotion “The Gift of Listening” featured on the P31 website and Crosswalk today, I encouraged readers to make a list of people they want to really listen to today. Who would be on your list? Here are some very practical things I do to give the gift of listening to my family each day:

  • Turn off my cell phone in the evenings
  • Limit email checking when they are home
  • Delay answering the phone during dinner and family time
  • Turn away from my desk at work when someone comes to talk with me

How does it make you feel when someone really listens to you? Did you know that when you listen to someone, you are telling them how important they are to you? Just ask them and you’ll see. That is what helped me make this a high priority in my life.

How does it make you feel to know that God is always listening and giving you His full attention because you are important to Him and the words you speak go straight to His heart?

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this topic. Just click on the word “comments” below and let’s talk. I’ll be giving away a copy of my 2-part DVD teaching entitled Living and Leaving a Legacy from a drawing of those who participate in today’s blog conversation, so be sure to leave your email or check back on Thursday.

PS. If you are on Facebook, I’d love to be friends! I blog a couple of times each week, but I share daily encouragement through scriptures and everyday life lessons on FB. Simply click here or on my Facebook profile in my sidebar.

And the winner is… “Anonymous” who posted at 8:50am sharing how she could relate, stating “my 6 year old, is often saying ‘Mom – you are always on the computer'”. Random Integer.com, with the help of the Holy Spirit, decided you would win my 2-part DVD teaching entitled Living and Leaving a Legacy. If that’s you, please email your name and mailing address to [email protected] by Monday. ~Thanks and congrats!

Comments

  1. Renee,
    My first visit to your blog, loved your pointers on listening! Thanks for sharing as listening is a real problem area for me (both attention & physically).
    Look forward to hearing more from you! God Bless.

  2. This devotion hit me right between the eyes. Thank you for challenging me to focus on others (primarily my children) when they are trying to get my attention. I loved when you spoke at our Women's Retreat a few years ago in Virginia. May you be continually blessed for your faithfulness in ministry, Renee!

  3. I visited your blog in response to the Proverbs 31 devo, about listening. And, of course, God wanted to remind me about what He was teaching me. I had to smile when I read your very first blog was titled, "Hearing with My Heart." God is so amazing! LOL! Thanks for sharing, sister! I owe my 14 year old son an apology for not hearing him. He made a simular comment, about when I'm writing. But, I failed to "hear" what he was really saying. I praise the Lord for using others, through moments of weakness, to "clean out our ears and open our eyes" to what He wants to teach us. Thanks for being a light. My son is going to appreciate your faithfulness and would probably thank you, too. However, that is so not likely since he's a teenager. He'll probably just roll his eyes and grunt after I apologize. LOL! But, God sees your faithfulness, sister. And I appreciate you. : )May the Lord bless the ministry He has placed on your heart. http://www.xedixon.com

  4. Thanks for the encouragement. I'm trying to get things done before the kids get home from school so I can really listen to them and give them my undivided attention.

  5. Thank you for your devotion on Proverbs 31 Ministry. I am a mom of three and I homeschool. I have a husband that requires attention, a house to take care of, friendshipos to maintain, my own spiritual growth, exercise, etc, etc. I am often distracted with a phone conversation or the computer and before I know it my kids feel unimportant because I haven't been listening to what they are saying. The kids grow up so fast and before we know it, they will be out of the house. I want to be a good listener now so that when they are older they will still come to me. I also want God to listen to me….so I need to be a better listener to HIM as well. Thank you for the reminder. I would love a chance to win your DVD video. It would be a great lesson for the Ladies Bible Study I attend.

  7. Thanks Renee, Your insight is very practical and good. I appreciate you sharing with us today on the p31 devotion. What a gentle reminder to all of us. Bless you, Hester Christensen,

  8. I am really bad about being on my computer when my little girl is trying to talk to me and am working hard to break that habit. It always amazes me that God wants to listen to us and cares about the little things as well as the big things. Such a marvelous blessing that He gives us His time and His ear.

  9. I only have a 16 yr old son at home now. My husband died about 4 yrs ago, and I've had the other kids come and go, but now I'm down to the youngest. It seems that I'd only have one to listen to. I have a son in the Army, he likes me to listen when he calls because he is lonely. I have a daughter that returned to college after 3 yrs, she likes to have me listen when she calls because she is kind of homesick. My mom lives by herself, 3 miles from me, and I try to call her every day. I have to listen to make sure she is feeling ok, and not in need of anything. She won't always tell me. I love Ps 46:10 "Be still, and know that I am God" We also need to LISTEN to God. He speaks to us through His word, but sometimes we don't listen. We need to listen for the still, sometimes small, voice.
    Sharon

  11. Looks like I am in the same group as all the others! I am guilty! I even go so far as to ask a question then not listen to the answer and have to ask it again!! You really made me stop and think, "what if God treated me like that?" I would be crushed! Beginning today I am going to really try hard to become a better listener. Thanks Renee!!

  12. Thanks for your devotion. Listening is something that I am striving to be better at, especially when it comes to communicating with my teenage daughter. I find that if I stop talking and just keep listening and nodding, with an occasional "oh", she keeps sharing, which is wonderful. As soon as I start giving her my input, especially if she doesn't agree with it, then she stops talking. So, I'm learning how to be a better listener because I want her to keep talking. Just read a great book "How to talk so your teens will listen and listen so your teens will talk." It's full of good tips, which include the ones you mentioned in your devotion. You are right on! A life skill that we can use all of our lives with everyone!

  13. Jesus has shown me time after time that, Heather you need to be listening, to your husband, children, but most of all me. Alot of times, I don't desire to hear what others are saying, sometimes that would include the Holy Spirit. There are times when God wants me to hear his plans for me. How is it that when I am not listening I expect God to hear me when I call? Why do I wonder why He is not hearing me? I need to learn to be still and listen alot more than not! I believe your set will help me focus on God instead of the world, and myself!

  15. Thank you for this sweet reminder, I embrace challenges to make myself more Christ-like, in my relationships with others and with God.. I took this to heart when I think of the time I spend with God.. How often I (and others I would think could relate) spend more time talking to God, pouring out my heart to Him, and less time listening.. How many times I have missed the mark, missed out on great joys in my lifetime, and opportunities to be a blessing to others because I was too distracted by everything in my life to hear what God was trying to tell me all along. Wonderful message which I will challenge myself with each day! Become a better listener – both to God and those He places in my life! 🙂
    Blessings to you.

  16. I just came in from a walk and visit with a neighbor to this devo. Wow! I did catch myself interrupting and relating "me" stories. Shame on me! Thanks so much for your encouraging and honest words. Your tips are great and I am certainly going to put them into practice today with my husband and kids, who by the way are often put off with my being preoccupied. This really could be an issue of pride as we put ourselves before others, something God is teaching me now, thanks for the message! I could use your DVD!
    Blessings,
    Cindy J

  17. WOW!! this was something I really needed to hear. Sometimes I get so caught up in my thoughts that I only "half-listen" when someone talks to me. It is so important to actually make time to listen and more so to listen with the heart. I will definitely be working on this!!

  18. Ahhh Renee, you just described me! My kids are forever getting exasperated with me because I'm on my computer and not listening to them. Thanks for the reminder. I'm going to print up your list of ways to pay better attention, and tape it right above my computer monitor.

    Thanks for sharing!

  19. Renee,
    Your devotional was so timely. I am entering a season of stepping back so that I can invest in my flock. I realize how quickly the time goes and with only 12 months before my oldest heads off to school I need to do a better job of connecting daily and meaningfully.

    Thanks for your encouragement.

    Rebecca
    [email protected]

  22. Great devotion today and suggestions here on your blog. Thank you for posting them.

    I agree with you that genuinely listening is one of the best ways to show others you truly care and love them, especially with family. I feel that sometimes we can get so used to being around our families that we forget to take the time to truly hear their words and take notice.

    I also like this question and point of yours:
    "How does it make you feel to know that God is always listening and giving you His full attention because you are important to Him and the words you speak go straight to His heart?"

    I feel it's also incredibly important to apply this gift of listening back to God and His Word. God listens to us, always. We also need to listen to Him and His Word – really listen and then act on it!

    Thank you again for this post.

    In Christ,
    Caroline

  23. I know I'm guilty of not giving my daughter by full attention at times. I get so focused on whatever the task at hand is that I don't take the time to stop and listen to her needs or fill her need for attention. I've noticed this recently and have tried to correct it by doing things like finding something more simple to prepare for dinner or wait to clean the kitchen until after she is in bed… Doing this whole parenting on my own is a challenge much of the time but I want to give her all that I can so that she never questions my love.

  24. Renee,

    I too am working on listening intently to my husband, my children and the voice of my Savior. I often give my children the "just a minute" phrase and I am working on letting them know that what they say is priceless to me and important, just as my heavenly Father does for me.

  25. Thanks for your devotion. I really needed to hear that listening is important. I like the tips and I am going to try very hard to really incorporate them everyday. I do get distracted easily and I need to improve in this area. Oh how God surely knows when to correct us. Thanks for including me in the draw.

  26. Thank you for this devotional and the chance to win the DVDs. If we would all listen intentionally, the world would be a much more loving place. I commit to listening actively to God, my co-workers, family and friends. Thank you for this reminder!!!

  27. I loved your devo today. It went straight from my computer screen right into my heart!! I am working on a list of ways to be fully present with those I am with. I love your list! Cell phones, computers, emails and texts are huge takers-away of my attention!
    Thanks for the wonderful reminder that we are to be like God, who is never too distracted to really hear and know us.

  28. Great devo! Great reminder for me indeed! Sometimes we just need to be reminded on how to properly listen–sometimes we hear, but we don't really listen. Thanks!

    Would love to win a copy of your dvd!

    Prayers and blessings,
    Rebecca
    [email protected]

  29. Very true! I know there have been often times when I could do a better job listening to people. Something I want to continue to work on.
    And boy does it make a big difference in the life of children.
    I helped raise my nieces and there where many times that they have just wanted to talk, sometimes at inconvenient times. But it showed them I loved and cared for them when I would stop and listen. It helped build the relationship we have today. Unfortunately, their dad used to tell them to be quiet alot and he wonders now why they don't tell him things – very sad.

  30. Wow, did your devotion hit home today.I think we all need this reminder to be good listeners, especially in this high tech world.
    Thanks for putting me back on track.

  31. Thank you for the reminder! I know I struggle most listening best to those I love most at home.

    May God bless you as you continue to bless all of us!
    Diane from PA

  32. Thanks for the great, simple reminder. In today's fast-paced, technology-center world, we're definately loosing out ability to communicate face-to-face. Showing someone they're important is definately more than writing on their Facebook wall!

  33. Wow, boy am I convicted about listening to my children as well. I try to turn away form the computer, books, and phone and give them what they need. Starting today I will do better. I will not do computer work when they are home from school, and I try to avoid the phone when they are home as well.
    So true that they want to be heard just like I do. I wouldn't like it if my husband wasn't actively listening to me. I will treat the boys with the respect they deserve.(since they do learn by example) I want them to treat others respctfully too.
    By the way I am so glad you are blogging more, I have missed you.

  34. Wow.. Somehow I can't help but think that while the voice of God is sometimes still and small, He also uses others to communicate His message to me in a SHOUT. My husband and I had a disagreement just last night about my "listening skills" so this is particularly timely.. You talked about A.D.D. well, I really am an adult woman with it. For most of my life I thought there was something wrong with me – until my kids starting having all the same problems in school that I had. The same doctor who did extensive testing and diagnosis of them, was able to diagnose and treat me. It's not something you "grow out of"; it's not an excuse that somebody has made up; nor is it some nebulous concept that can be dismissed by the general publics' skepticism. It has very real and damaging effects on relationships! It is so very hard to concentrate at the end of a day and it feels like my "focus-energy" is all used up. While there are all kinds of supports for children, there is virtually nothing out there for adults.. In order to help me when I'm struggling to listen, I pray "Help me, Jesus!" as many times as it takes to force my focus onto the most important human in my life. My husband. My children are grown and I pray daily also for them as all three also have ADHD.

  35. Thank you for your post today Renee. I had read a quote from the late missionary Jim Elliot who said, "Wherever you are, be all there." And back in January, I wrote a post about it. I have been trying to be very focused on listening ever since. (Some days are more successful than others! ha!)

    Your suggestions on how to be a better listener were very helpful. I also feel very humbled when I think of God giving me His undivided attention.

    Thank you for the opportunity to win your DVD.

  36. Really good word…I am guilty of tuning out sometimes on my husband when he is talking to me, or someone at work….I know though how it feels when I don't feel that I am be listened to, not fun…this is really good advice I am going to work on this week…would love to win the DVDS. thanks,
    Kelly

  37. It amazes me actually to think about what you wrote, that God is listening to me. That He would turn His attention to me, this seems to big to grasp but it is an amazing thought.

  39. Renee,
    Thank you for the devotion today. I try to be a good listener and hope to win your dvd's (that would be awesome). I am really searching out ways to listen for my Saviour's voice speaking to me. Thanks for all you do for P31 it seems at times a lifeline for me. But I must tell you, I am not going to lick the word comments (ha ha).
    Love in Christ,
    Dana

    P.S. Please pray for my friend Donna. This past weekend she lost her mother and her home in a fire.
    Pray that our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ will wrap His loving arms of comfort and peace around her and her family.

  40. Thank you for blessing me this morning with this posting. I am working towards being a better listener to my mom, husband, children and coworkers.

    God Bless You!

    Sabrina P

  41. I sometimes am a "bad listener" I have a mind that goes 1000 directions at once, and as a single Mom, I don't know whether that's good or bad! Thanks for sharing your tips, I can use all the help I can get!! God Bless!
    Dori Cox

  43. Read your devo. today. Thanks for a good reminder. I could definitely stand to be a better listener at times-even when it's my young boys repeating things:) Would enjoy the DVD's if I were to win them.

  44. Wow – your devotion really hit home today – I felt the chills go through my body, as I have often heard from my 6 year old, "Mom – you are always on the computer" Thanks for reminding me of what is really important!!

  46. i rationalise by calling it multitasking – talking on the phone while writing an email and "chatting on gtalk".

  47. Your devotion was a rebuke to me. Unfortunately I can only listen or focus on one thing at a time. Often, I just continue to "do my work" when my kids seek me out. I have to be honest. Often it feels like their concerns are less important than what I'm doing. But I now realize that I am telling them with my actions that they are not important. I'll be praying about this today! Thanks for your words this morning!

  48. Your devotion today was so true to heart. I am also a.d.d., But I'm both easily distracted and I have a hard time concentrating on just 1 thing. So this devotion today, is encouraging me to really concentrate on what someone is saying to me. I wrote the prayer down and I'm going to try and read it, whenever I can today. That way, I'll be in constant reminder, that listening means the world to people.

  49. Ouch! That hit home with me! Even when my 3 yr old seems to talk endlessly about anything and everything I need to show him that I care and he matters.

    The chance to win the DVDs would be a huge blessing!

    Thanks for being transparent.

    Crissy

  50. Thanks for your devotion today and the listening tips. So many times we get way too "busy' to stop and listen.Your devotion was a good reminder. i've been told I'm a good listner & most times I am better at that than talking. Your tips are very helpful. Your DVD giveaway would really be nice.Thanks for the chance to win them.
    Blessings,
    LindaLou