The word “listen” is mentioned in the Bible over 400 times! I guess that means it’s important to God. Listening is not one of my natural strengths but it’s something I’ve really worked on because it’s important to me, too.
Listening is about more than hearing someone’s words. Listening is about hearing someone’s heart by listening with mine.
I think I’m a little A.D.D.. My thoughts go a million miles an hour in a thousand directions, and I can get easily distracted. It’s not so much that I can’t focus, but that my brain tends to focus on more than one thing at a time. My husband can’t understand how I can be on the phone talking to a friend and also hear every word he just said to one of our kids, and repeat both conversations.
When I am listening with my heart, it’s different. I am fully engaged. I am leaning in, and I am giving someone my full attention. Here are a few things I have learned about listening that have helped me become a better listener.
Minimize distractions: Turning off cell phones, computers and televisions helps us give our full attention, or talking in a place where distractions are less likely is even better.
Use encouraging body language: Nodding your head tells someone you hear what they are saying and encourages them to continue. Using postures, positions and movements similar to the person talking helps them relax and open up.
Put yourself in their shoes: Active listening is not about inward thinking. We can avoid thinking about how what they are saying impacts us personally by looking at problems from the other person’s perspective, actively trying to see his or her point of view.
Avoid Interrupting: One of the biggest challenges to listening is impulse thoughts that become impulse interruptions. Write down thoughts and wait for the other person to talk at their own pace. Although sharing a common experience can be helpful, it also takes the focus off of them. Only share personal experiences briefly to empathize but then turn the focus back to them.
Repeat and encourage: Repeat some things they say and encourage them with positive feedback. For example, you might say: “You didn’t feel like that was fair, and I can see why.” Make eye contact from time to time. It’s not good to stare, but it is good to show warmth and interest in what they are saying.
Summarize: During an in-depth conversation, it’s good to summarize what someone is saying and say it back in your own words. This assures them you have truly been listening. It also gives them a chance to correct miscommunications or wrong assumptions.
Ask Questions: Meaningful questions help a person reach their own conclusions. Towards the end of the conversation it’s good to transition to guiding questions. For example: “I understand why you didn’t feel like it was fair, but help me understand why you felt like you couldn’t say anything about it to me/them sooner.” Wording questions this way also helps someone move from an emotional response to a more constructive response.
One of the most important aspects of any relationship is communication, and listening is key. By listening with your heart, you will strengthen and build your most important relationships.
In my devotion “The Gift of Listening” featured on the P31 website and Crosswalk today, I encouraged readers to make a list of people they want to really listen to today. Who would be on your list? Here are some very practical things I do to give the gift of listening to my family each day:
- Turn off my cell phone in the evenings
- Limit email checking when they are home
- Delay answering the phone during dinner and family time
- Turn away from my desk at work when someone comes to talk with me
How does it make you feel when someone really listens to you? Did you know that when you listen to someone, you are telling them how important they are to you? Just ask them and you’ll see. That is what helped me make this a high priority in my life.
How does it make you feel to know that God is always listening and giving you His full attention because you are important to Him and the words you speak go straight to His heart?
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this topic. Just click on the word “comments” below and let’s talk. I’ll be giving away a copy of my 2-part DVD teaching entitled Living and Leaving a Legacy from a drawing of those who participate in today’s blog conversation, so be sure to leave your email or check back on Thursday.
PS. If you are on Facebook, I’d love to be friends! I blog a couple of times each week, but I share daily encouragement through scriptures and everyday life lessons on FB. Simply click here or on my Facebook profile in my sidebar.
And the winner is… “Anonymous” who posted at 8:50am sharing how she could relate, stating “my 6 year old, is often saying ‘Mom – you are always on the computer'”. Random Integer.com, with the help of the Holy Spirit, decided you would win my 2-part DVD teaching entitled Living and Leaving a Legacy. If that’s you, please email your name and mailing address to [email protected] by Monday. ~Thanks and congrats!
Today, I went to the beach front with my children.
I found a sea shell and gave it to my 4 year old daughter and said “You can hear the ocean if you put this to your ear.” She placed the shell
to her ear and screamed. There was a hermit crab
inside and it pinched her ear. She never wants to go back!
LoL I know this is totally off topic but I had to tell someone!
i have a friend who always says wait just a sec, or let me call you back; because she wants to give me her full attention. i love that!
I figured out years ago that my children needed me to listen to them more than I needed to multitask and accomplish so much. So I made it a point to make eye contact with them. That way they knew I was engaged in what they were saying. The only time I found this is not a good idea is when I was chopping vegetables. Definitely, put down the knife!!
It means a lot to them for me to stop what I am doing and pay attention. I have tried to teach this to my husband to let him know I would like his attention when I talk to him. For the most part, it's worked!
Your thoughts are a good reminder that in ministry and everywhere we need to be present in the situation in order to get the most out of the encounter and in order to give the best of ourselves. Thanks, Renee!
The one thing I find most important at home is to turn away from the computer when one of my family comes to talk to me. If I don't, it just signals to them that I'm not really listening.
So to think that God turns away from His 'computer' – all the vastness of his work and busyness – is almost unimaginable. And yet He does… Awesome!
Thanks a bunch! Your post helped me today. My 10yo boy was sharing all about his creation he had made while I was at my desk. The Holy Spirit reminded me of your words, and I pushed back the chair and turned to listen, with my eyes, ears and heart!
Thanks for the enoucouragement! I'd love to win and learn more.. blessings
darci [email protected]
I remember when my youngest would grab my face and make me look at her when she wanted to talk to me…getting nose to nose with me. 🙂
I definitely needed to do a better job of stopping what I am doing and giving my family my full attention. I love how you put it…listening with my heart. 🙂
Great devotion and great post, friend.
Thank you for the devotional. This really hit home to me. Although I don't have children, I find myself hearing others and not always listening to them when they speak to me. Its true we all hate to be interupted when we're working on something. I wonder if this is why perhaps some of my prayers have gone unanswered.
DLS
I have taken and taught classes in listening through a lay ministry called Stephen Ministry. It's a skill you need to learn, to put aside thinking about how you will respond to what people are saying, to letting them know you are listening and that you care. But people really just want someone to know how they are feeling. It's amazing how much support you can give someone just by listening to them.
Thanks for the post. Great tips!
Connie
Thanks for your devotion. Even though my kids are adults now, it is still a very good lesson. To remember to listen to friends & those that may become friends. There may be something God wants us to hear. 🙂
I read something one time where a woman's small son asked her, "Mommy, can you listen to me with your face?" How true that is that so often we don't listen with our faces. I need this as a constant reminder. Thank You!
Wow! You hit the nail on the head for me today. There are many times I am preoccupied or trying to do something on the computer and I don't really listen to my kids. Thank you for the tips.
Mary
My 8 year old told a friend of mine tonight that he watnted to break my phone. My friend asked why and his resonse was, my mom is ALWAYS on the phone. My heart just broke. I needed that reminder and your devotion to move in the right direction. I will try to not be on my phone when they are with me and focus on them!
Thank you for everything you do! You are such an amazing women, mother, friend and child of God! You are a great example for all of us!
Nicole
[email protected]
I find that I tune out the kids unless I hear them acting up or getting at each other when I'm checking email or Facebook or talking on the phone. Thanks for the reminder to listen with my whole self. I can already imagine how it could change our day!
Thanks for your encouragement!
Paula
Oh, how I needed this today! My 12 year old…she will be in 2 days…just told me I never let her finish what she is saying. I don't think the "never" part is true, but I know that I am guilty of sometimes interrupting. Thank you so much for this post. I need to really work on my listening skills with her…and her soon-to-be 15 sister.
God spoke to my heart today through you. Thanks for the practical advice about listening, as this is not something that comes naturally to me.
Joy
I have always struggled with listening,and so God has decided to work this out in me! Most recently, my ministry has taken on more consultation and counseling with people and therefore, I have had to learn to listen. It is challenging, but I am enjoying it. I am learning the importance of fully engaging. Now…if I can just put it into practice at home! Thanks for allowing the Spirit to nudge conviction and encouragement as well!
I realized when reading your devotional on Proverbs 31 that I am not a good listener. I tend to be more reactive to any feedback I receive and thus communication is not productive or encouraging to either of us. Thank you for the tips you gave on your blog. Your 2part DVD would be a good learning tool for me.
Ouch! Were you a fly on my wall this afternoon? I love when God speaks directly to my heart through your messages. Thank you for being His vessel. Listening is something I tend to take for granted but on days like this one I'm reminded often to purposely listen and fill my daughter's love tank. Thank you for such a timely message.
Karla
Renee thanks so much for your devotion today. It made me stop and think about how I listen and I realize that I'm not very good at it! My young adult children often say "but I told you ….." and I have no recollection of this! I realize now that I need to STOP and LISTEN to them. I need to SHOW them that I value them and what they have to say and I need to encourage my daughter to learn to LISTEN with me as I can see she is repeating this bad habit with my granddaughter. I guess you never stop learning something new! thanks again. x
What a good devotional. I so need to work on this not only with my four children and my husband, but also in my quiet time where I just sit and really listen for God rather than tell him all my requests. I know how comforted I am by the fact that He listens to me no matter what. Now for me to give my full attention to those around me, rather than taking them for granted and multi-tasking. Thanks for this reminder. Please enter me in your drawing
After reading the devotion this morning, I headed to work, not sure of who might need for me to listen. I work in a nursing home as a music therapist, and after my Alzheimer's group I had a resident start visiting with me, in spanish no less (not my first language). I sat there and gave her a listening ear, and she even teared up at one point. I think she just needed someone to be there, and I was able to do that for her! 🙂 What a gift!
i understand feeling of not being heard. when i had my own children i didn't listen too well either. i have my two grandchildren now and make it a priority to listen to them and what a difference it makes with attitudes and behaviors. i really enjoyed reading this. i wish i could have read something like this when my children were small though.
I think I'm a lot ADD. I actually have to study those steps and diligently apply them, that's how distracted I get when listening. It's not my strong suit!