How hard is it for you to let people know how you’re doing? I mean how you’re really doing.
From reading your thoughts in the comments on Monday’s post, I think we can all realize it’s hard for most of us to keep our guard up and shy away from lettings others in – especially when we need their help, prayers or encouragement.
As I shared in Chapter 2, “Sometimes I think we tell people we’re fine even when we’re not, because we want to be. Or we hope that by saying we are fine, eventually we will be. Other times we act like we’re fine because others expect us to be. And I love how so many of you admitted you also have days when hormones or grumpy-ness trump all good manners and anyone within ten feet knows you are not fine. In fact, what you really meant in code is that you are Frazzled, Irritated, Neurotic, and Exhausted!”
Today, I want you to meet and hear from my friend, Melanie from Only a Breath. She’s the one who created our really cute Online Study blog button (see my sidebar if you want one)! In it she challenges us to take off the “I’m Fine” mask and be real with God, each other and especially ourselves about how we’re really doing.
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… She walks the hallway, fighting back tears that threaten to well up again. It’s been a long night, filled with betrayal and disappointment. Her future is uncertain. Back at the office, she tries to maintain normalcy. When eyes met, she is faced with another routine, “How are you?”
“I’m fine”, she answers, with a plastic smile that hides her pain.
… Across town, a young father shakes hands with the fourth interviewer that month. “Thank you for your time.”he says. On the way home, his wife calls to see if there’ s any hope for the job they’ve been praying for…for so long. They have mouths to feed, children to raise, a car on its last miles… “It will be fine”, he assures her. As he hangs up, he hangs his head in despair.
… A young, single mom cuddles her baby on the park bench. She holds her boy close, surrounded by happy couples with smiling children. She never expected to raise her child alone. The pain is sometimes too much to bear. Will she ever feel that she belongs? That she is wanted? Loved? Beautiful?
“We will be fine she whispers into his soft ear, surrounded by whisps of fine, brown hair.
“I’m fine…”
“We’re fine…”
“Doing great…”
In Chapter 2, Renee invites us to take off the “I’m fine” mask. But she also acknowledges just how scary it is to expose the pain that keeps us up, haunts us like nightmares, and threatens each breath of hope.
… but we’re fine.
Or are we?
Could we take off the mask that we, especially as Christians, live the “fairy tale”? We are certainly blessed, in every circumstance guarded by the Father, but honestly, in the deepest parts, we aren’t fine.
I’m not fine.
If I took off the “I’m fine” mask, would you think less of me, or would you think I’m … human?
We don’t have it all under control, and I can’t help but think that when we act like we do, we basically tell God that we don’t need him.
We’ve got this.
By pretending we’re “fine” we tell others something must be wrong with them if they are hurting… because we certainly are not hurting.
We’re fine.
What if we let someone else in? What if we said, “I’m hurting, and the details aren’t important, but would you please pray for me? I would really appreciate that.” Could that help them, in return, reach out to someone else when they are hurting?
Do we need to grant one another permission to not be fine?
Could we come broken before the Father, and cry out for His mercy and strength? He did promise to never leave us or forsake us. Even when we don’t feel it, could we still cling to His promise and claim it?
He knows we’re not fine.
Could the trials be the very thing that break the strings holding on our mask, allowing it to fall to the ground so we cling to Him a little tighter?
The truth is…
We aren’t fine… We are forgiven.
We aren’t in control… We are held by the hands that control our very heartbeat.
We aren’t invincible… We are made to look to the only One who can heal the broken.
As a sisterhood of hearts seeking our confidence in HIM, let’s take off our masks today. At least here with each other. And maybe with just one other person we meet this week. I have a feeling someone needs to see the battle wounds and scars we carry in order for them to stop pretending and seek His help too.
And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9
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Thank you so much Melanie, for reminding me and all of us again today that God’s grace is sufficient. God’s grace can be my sufficient… if I let it be.
Today’s Assignment:
- Continue or finish reading chapter 2 and answer end of chapter questions. Then come back and share with us what God is showing you about how His perfect love changes everything – especially the pressure to be it all, do it all and know it all – all at the same time.
Connect in Community:
- Please “Share Your Thoughts” below this post. Just click those words and do just that. (Remember if you are reading this in an email, click on the title “I’m Fine…really” at the top of the post to visit my website and connect with our ACH community! (This is such a valuable part of this study. My favorite part!!)
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For the longest time I “was fine.” Nothing could have been far from the truth. Thankfully, Jesus helped me to see my need to be honest, and open with others. It was difficult at first, but the more open I was about how I was doing, the more God showed me how I could Improve my situation, whether it was encouragement from others, a hug, a prayer, or words of wisdom and advice, God blessed me as I was honest and open with Him and others. This is, in a way, relying on Him and depending on Him……which, as it says in Chapter 2, the only way we will have a confident heart!
Every day is a battle, but I remind myself how being open and honest is a great thing. Will be praying for all of us, that we can strive to open our hearts and be open and honest with God and others, no matter how we are doing. As a parent, it also reminds me what a valuable lesson I am teaching my children as well, when I am doing this…..because, as they get older, I want them to be open and honest with me!
For so long I pretended everything was fine, when inside everything had crumbled. I read the book during the first online study. I realized that even though the book is wonderful I need more help eith my struggles. Through the help of a counselor I realized that God gave us one another to help bear our burdens. So be open not only to sharing, but to listening if someone needs you to. It has helped me to share, many of my close friends had no idea how Imwas feeling or what I was dealing with.
That’s great that you saw the need to deal further with your struggles- I am finding this book brings a lot to light that I think many of us women have pushed down deep or been numb to in ourselves for years… and it can be quite painful to face it all again! I think Christian counseling is so valuable as a tool to help any of us with deep hurts to process and heal.
As I continue to read this chapter, I see myself struggling with the “I’m fine” answers that I hear or that I give to others, and the dramatic, woe-is-me answers that I hear or that I give to others. For me, there is a fine line between both and it is very easy to slip from one to the other. To be honest, I sometimes would rather hear “I’m fine” as opposed to what is really going on — my human-ness kicks in and I easily get tired of the drama that follows.
When I find myself slipping into these moments, I remind myself of God’s grace that He shows me on a daily basis, and I continue to strive to be more like Christ in these moments by showing grace and mercy to others as well.
Your blog really touched a place in my heart. This is why I don’t share my honest feelings with anyone, especially women. I am so afraid of opening up to someone who feels the way you do. It is a horrible feeling to make oneself vulnerable and to have someone “too busy” or “tired of the drama” make me feel worthless once more. Don’t get me wrong, I thank you for your honesty however I think we can all learn to show people the same grace and love that the Lord has shown to us. There are alot of people hurting out there!
Jesus meets us right where we are at. And He is always there for us in our hot messes. It is very comforting to know that we are not alone, and to know that Jesus loves us for who we are in Him. This chapter is a very encouraging one and really made me look at how many times I’ve been asked how are you and said.” I’m good or I’m fine” and really have not been. Alot of times I feel like do they really want to know. Or do they have time, or feeling like im taking time away from them. But this has really opened up my eyes to stop and say how I am really doing {Lord-led of course}. There also has been times where I really have been fine and just answered I am fine and didn’t go further. I think next time I need to share what the Lord has done to bless me instead of just saying good or fine. It’s another opportunity to share with them God’s blesses, not only the times when we are not fine. We need to share the good times too.
This part was very convicting to me in the devotion today….We don’t have it all under control, and I can’t help but think that when we act like we do, we basically tell God that we don’t need him. Ouch…..Its’ rare that i do have anything under control. This just reminds me of how much more I need Jesus to be the center of everything. This is soo freeing!!!! Thank you for this Renee!
This chapter was probably the most eye opening for me. I struggle with opening up. God knows my story & that I have no doubt, however, I have not found that special Christian sister(s) to just lay it out to. I have 2 lady friends that know my story, but don’t feel they know the Lord.
My prayer thru this book is that God reveal that person(s) to me & let me say ‘i am not fine’
I just e-mail some friends of the previous job I had but due to the stress of not controlling the children it was literally affecting my health and I had to leave it. I wanted to be honest and these are the friends that I have prayed so hard for me. As I have mentioned before, the enemy wants me to feel like I let them down. However, down deep I know they understand.This is very hard to show your true colors of who you really are due to fear of rejection. My life right now is Frazzled, Irritated, Nutty, Exhausted. But I remember in 2 Corinthians 12:9 “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”
God is going to turn your fine around Girl!! Just wait and see. He wants it Fantastic, Incredible, Noteworthy, and Exhilarating!! Love your claim to His promise!
Thank Rachel. Well, I opened up my feelings with my situation trying not to think of the worse but some how I always do. Oh wow, I am so blessed to open up and I realized the true friends that I have met. I have another met friend so supportive, encouraging, prayerful. It’s amazing. I’m so glad I found this Study. It has been an eye opening experience
Ps 146:5-10 Happy is he who has the God of Jacob for his help, Whose hope is in the Lord his God, Who made heaven and earth,The sea, and all that is in them; Who keeps truth forever, Who executes justice for the oppressed, Who gives food to the hungry. The Lord gives freedom to the prisoners.
8 The Lord opens the eyes of the blind; The Lord raises those who are bowed down; The Lord loves the righteous. 9 The Lord watches over the strangers; He relieves the fatherless and widow; But the way of the wicked He turns upside down. 10 The Lord shall reign forever — Your God, O Zion, to all generations. Praise the Lord! NKJV
I actually have the opposite problem. I seem to find people who I think are friends and am honest about my hurting, but give a pat answer, and go on to talk about their stuff. Or, one girl even told me, “I really would rather have fun with my friends. I already have enough to worry about in my life.” Or, they have used my past problems against me when we have gotten in an argument. And I am going to say something here that could be pretty controversial, or taken the wrong way, but I have found church ladies to be the most fake as far as caring about my problems, or being willing to help out, etc. The girl I quoted goes to my church, and most of the others I am referring to have been the same way as well. I have gone to many churches thinking it is just this or that church, but it’s not. I have reviewed the way I say things, said them to others, and they have responded differently than “the church ladies”. I now avoid women at church sadly 🙁 I don’t want to, but I am afraid of the hurt and pain of pouring out my heart only to have it smashed. So I am open, I don’t pretend to be OK, but I honestly am starting to think that would be better, at least I would fit in. That is what I have seen at churches, the happy smiling, “God bless you hon” lady, who if you become friends with her will stomp on your heart. I know that happens in the “world” too, but I think it hurts even more when you see one side of someone, and they are acting like the picture of Godly living, and then they hurt you. At least with “non-church” people, who don’t have this facade (and sorry, that is how I see it when they are two faced), you know what you are getting. They are who they seem to be.
I know, these are probably people who are hurting themselves, who are doing what you say in Ch.2, hiding behind a mask, lashing out because they are hurting. However, how I am supposed to feel good about opening up to those people anymore?
Please know I am not insulting “church ladies” I am one myself (although I don’t attend women’s groups anymore after what I’ve been through). I am just sad, angry, and confused as to why when you do admit you’re not feeling fine to these women they attack (not all of course, but some, and I must always pick the wrong ones). Believe me I am trying to find out what I am doing wrong too. I know I trust too quickly, too easily. I know I fall for an act or facade, and think they would be a good mentor. Also, something about me must bring out the ugly in women. I have never found it easy to be friends with women. All of my life I have had male friends, great ones. I could tell them anything. They were always there for me. However when I got married I didn’t think that was appropriate, so I sought out female friends again, (after betrayals in school, and one VERY bad one in particular in high school), and found them, and again was hurt. So I know I am not without fault here, but I wish I knew what my fault was. One woman complained that, “I thought I was better than everyone else, putting on my lipstick during snack time”. HUH?! I have never thought that of another woman putting on lipstick! Others have flat out told me I just look like a bee (I said bee here, but you ladies know the vulgar word that starts with B that I was called. I would never say that word here though, and try not to curse at all). I just don’t get it! 🙁
I have really enjoyed saying what I like to the women here without judgement, and wish life could be that way…
Kyrie:
I’ve discovered that it’s better to allow the discernment of the Holy Spirit to reveal those with whom your heart is safe. It’s easy to close up when hurts have invaded our ranks, however, being sensitive to the Holy Spirit when He instructs us to keep things to ourselves is critical. I no longer feel it’s fake to tell people “I’m Fine” if they are not a valuable asset in my circle. Sometimes the storms of life can last longer than OTHERS would like to help us through. And sadly, some don’t want to see you come through, therefore it is critical to have that prayer warrior come by God.
What we have to UNDERSTAND is OUR HEART is NOT safe with EVERYone! So, follow God’s steps to HIM first, then to the physical person He desires for you to open your heart. And that does include those who are active in church because they can be the WRONG person that has been called to walk with you in the situation. It’s just not wise (as I say that to MYself too).
Be who you are and remain in His purpose…When betrayal comes…acknowledge it for what it is – MORE importantly – when a person shows you how they are – BELIEVE THEM! Acknowledge the pain and hurt but quickly brush it off of your feet & move fast to God and continue to live your life in His purpose.
You are not alone in this walk. I am so sorry for the pain and self doubt that has come from the betrayal. I pray this study brings us all to a place better than before we begin.
In His richest blessings….
Kandise
Thanks for the wisdom you share. The Holy Spirit is faithful to lead us to safe people and away from those who are dangerous. The tricky part is remembering to listen to Him ! It’s not dishonest to hold back from those who would hurt us. For the longest time I just didn’t answer people when they asked how I was, because I didn’t want to say I wasn’t fine; I’ve learned that most of the time people don’t really want to know what’s really going on with you, and to respond with a smile is enough.
I especially appreciate what you say about believing someone who shows who s/he is and keeping your distance and running to God. :O)
Sweet Kyrie,
What a treasure you are!! I too have stumbled through “girl friendships”….finding the most sympathetic and empathetic ears in men. Truth be told…We ladies need each other. Satan is a liar. My life was transformed by delightful (& some not so delightful) female friends.The discernment of the Holy Spirit….#1 , ABSOLUTELY!! Lots of prayer, yep, that too. But I also became a expert listener,saying little (I seemed to drive people away with my mouth…or brought out the worst “advice” in them…)I became a quiet, peaceful, “student of people”. I asked questions…so others knew I had been listening to them. I wanted so badly to be “Cared for” SOMEBODY listen to me!!!!!”….but I found that by caring for others by listening, I became a better communicator, I was not so abrasive, and defensive…I became TEACHABLE. No, not everyone hit the nail on the head when I finally began feeling as though I could share wisely, but I had heard enough to know that , well, there were ALOT of broken people out there.. and they spoke out of that brokenness .(that WAS me!!) I could discern the ones who were speaking Gods truth into my life,and I could receive it without an attitude…(So it turns out, I needed alot of “Renewing of my mind”) God is so Good, and you are so loved by Him. And Me! Know You Are Prayed For.. This Is Important!! Good Night, my Sister!
Oh sweet friend, I understand completely where you’re coming from! It is so hard to open up, and then to be treated poorly. It’s such an important reminder to my heart to ask how someone is doing and really CARE about their answer.
love to you,
Melanie
Kyrie.. Place your hurts and concerns at Jesus’s feet and leave them there! I also have the unique inability of having more male friends than female friends..but I grew up with lots of brothers! (not an excuse!) God knows your heart..knows who will be there to encourage you. My husband and I recently joined a small church, lots of cliques, relatives, etc. so I understand where you’re coming from.. But I know God’s purpose for my life, and will follow His will for my life too! He has your back! The song “I am Loved, You are Loved” comes to mind that we are free to love each other, no matter what! Keep Christ first in your life always! I am praying for you and the people you meet that will encourage you and not step on you! These people need prayers too! Love in Christ!
Thanks Nancy T. Good to know you can empathize. I really could use the prayer as well! I will be praying for you too! God Bless you!
Thank you all so much for sharing. I have not read the book yet, but plan to get it now. I can relate to alot of you. I mainly poor my heart out to God, because I feel like I don’t have anyone I can reaaly tell how I feel. I put a smile on my face and then cry in pray time with God. Some women look at me and have said I think I’m better than others. Most of the time when I try to be close to females, I find that they usually become more interested in being friends with me and my husband. It seems like they like him and his company more than just being a true friend to me. My husband is a people person and I used to be, but I have gone through so much that I have been hurt and hurt others. I have prayed and asked God to help me. I love the Lord and people. By the grace of God I love and enjoy blessings others, so this pain is so hard for me. I have asked myself what am I doing so wrong. I have gone through being misunderstood and feeling inadequate.
Kyrie, I can relate to you and I thank God for your honesty. I love the Lord and thank Him for keeping us all. I spite of, God is so faithful..
Pam, I can truly feel your pain, and I think back to the times when I just couldn’t be comfortable with the ladies of a group, so I started talking to their husbands (like in a group Bible study). I have always gotten along better with men. It’s not that I don’t like the ladies, but I feel rejected by them 🙁 So I am sure the women that speak with your husband more, don’t like him more, it’s more about their comfort level with women. They are probably like us, and have been hurt by other women, or in my case are more comfortable with men. I have tried not to go to the husbands anymore however, as I suspected that made me even more of an outsider with the women, and I didn’t want to hurt anyone, like I see that you’ve been hurt 🙁
I too have gotten the response from women that I act as if I am better than them, and they site examples to prove that fact that range from me putting on lipstick at snack time, to my silence (It doesn’t matter if I am hurting that day, don’t know others in the group, etc.) at times, or on the flip side, I talk too much, and am a know it all. The list is endless . I have even been boldly told, “I never talked with you before because you looked like a bee (I use the insect here, but it is also the first letter of a word I don’t want to say.). I really can’t seem to win.
However I have been thinking about it, and just like the Samaritan woman at the well, because of all of my hurt I have experienced, I’ve shut myself off in many ways. I can see now that like “Sam”, as Renee calls the Samaritan woman in the book, I have avoided encountering other women, and acted as if I was fine, when everyone could tell that I wasn’t (probably). Jesus is trying to take down my walls though, to take off the “fine” mask I wear. I think it is maybe even through this brokenness and loneliness in my life (I have no friends at this point in my life, but am blessed to have God, and my husband as my best friends, and a beautiful child in my life) to help me. I think I am in the refiners fire right now, and it burns, it is hard to be changed, but in the end I hope to be the beautiful new creation he has planned for me to be. God has blueprints He has had since before I was born (just like our verse of the week this week (“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart… Jeremiah 1:5, NIV). I am sure it is that way for you too Pam, and in time we will both find the true friend we long for. But first remember, (I never really got this before I read Renee’s book) God’s promises are for you, they are true, and they are more than words (as I always unconsciously though of them). I made the Bible more of a study, like I was reading something I needed to learn as a good Christian girl and student of his word, and I forgot it was something to put into my heart. They are a love letter to us. He is your best friend, He will fill you up, friends can’t be expected to fill us the way Christ can, and that is another one of my problems with regard to expectations of friends. It’s comes from a broken childhood, and I need to remember to keep filling my cup at the well where Jesus is. I’ve gotten the living water, and now I just need to keep going to it’s source! I think in His time He will bring the right people into our lives 🙂 I know you don’t have the book yet, but feel free to stay here as long as you want and talk with me and the other ladies here. I have gained great insight through Renee’s book, but also through the great women here. Welcome to the board! I hope you get the book soon too, it will change your relationship with Christ, change your heart, and change your relationship with others. I am amazed at all I am learning. I was highly doubtful in the beginning, but have absolutely changed my mind! 🙂
Wow. I too know where you are coming from. In fact, if I had to choose one word to describe me it would be “numb”. The few times that I have opened up to people, I too have been stabbed in the back and, sadly, by family members. I have just shut myself down. I refuse to feel the hurt of their words any more. I have had family members tell me they do not wish to hear my problems or feelings so I no longer correspond or call them and they obviously do not miss me since they do not call or correspond with me either. Today my family consists of my two horses and my two dogs. I can go weeks without speaking to or hearing another human’s voice. My comfort is in knowing that God is always with me. So this chapter has been really hard for me because I think most people don’t want to hear anything but the word “fine” when they ask how you are doing?
Hi Kyrie
I can relate to you in so many ways. It can be so hard to open up to females and be honest about how you’re truly feeling. I’ve been really hurt by women before, especially ones I thought I could trust at church. I’ve learned a few things along the way…
1) You don’t have to trust everybody. Ask Jesus to bring good and loving female friends into your life, he’ll answer that. He doesn’t want you to go on life’s journey alone. When I was in University, I went to a christian counselor who I learned to trust deeply. Through her, God brought so much healing to my heart, and I learned to slowly trust other women too. It was one of the best things I’ve done!
2) The women that you’re talking to are most likely hiding behind their masks too. Deep down, they probably want to open up, but are too afraid to do it. God honors your openness and most of all loves you through it.
I hope this helps! Know I’ll be praying for you!
I loved what was shared about Feeling Indadequte Needing Encouragement. I think that sums up my fine every day. My strength comes from God and I am enough through Him. Praise the Lord.
I have to say that since I read the acronyms for the word fine I rarely use it anymore. It feels like a lie now.
There are some people that can see right through me and even fewer that I am comfortable talking about trials and such with.
I know God is always there and fond myself talking to him frequently when things are “FINE.”
This study has been a blessing and has been helping me find time to read God’s word more. I am blessed to have a kindle that is easy to take with me whereever I go.
It’s so comforting to know that Jesus meets us where we’re at and accepts us for who we are our messes, imperfections, insecurities, doubts, etc and all! I consistently struggle with the fact that when I’m troubled in any capacity I am because I deserve what is happening to me….now I know that that is NOT how our Lord and Saviour works and it has gotten so much better with lots of prayer and surrounding myself with people who are honest with me and whom I can be honest with!
I work hard at not telling people I’m fine because of acronyms associated with it and I have about 3 girlfriends that I can be completely transparent with. As I was reading Chapter 2 a song by Casting Crowns came to mind called Stained Glass Masquerade. If you havent heard this song plug into youtube and listen it fits so well with this chapter!
I continue to be lifted up and encourged by this Bible Study! Thank you Renee and ladies!!!!
This was great encouragement, I am dealing with something right now and keep saying I am fine, and I am not. But after reading this post today I am freed by God to share my feelings and let God be the guide of the outcome of the situation. I am strengthen by God’s word and he is my light in darkness. So yes there is no need to wear the mask of “I’m fine” when I am not. Thank you for this encouraging message for I have gained spiritual strength from it today. God Bless!
Praise the Lord! I’m so thankful! Praying for you!
Man, talk about NOT being fine. I am going through issues with my daughter and her education and she is special needs. Trying to get someone, anyone, on my side, it all seems like it won’t happen.
However, I have to remember that in all this, God is still God and that has to remain my peace..
I just want this to be used to help others and give God the glory when I get through it.
I know I will get through it, but if I didn’t have God, I would be even more of a wreck than I already am 🙂
Erica, I am going through the same thing with my daughter. It is a huge burden and very frustrating at times but God is walking by our side the whole way and I trust in Him. I will be praying for you and your family.
Julie…don’t ever give up or think there is no one on your side. I have been fighting with the school system since my son was in grade school as he is special needs also. I have felt like giving up many times and felt like it was a losing battle, but with GOD no battle is to hard!!! Our children are the most precious thing that God has given us to look after. He gave you your daughter because he knew you would take great care of her and do whatever was necessary. We were told my son would not be able to graduate from high school as it would be to difficult for him and the school system wanted to “push” him through the system so he could earn his certificate that he completed high school. After many nights of tears, anger, frustration, confusion and the feeling of complete hopelessness…..my son who is now 17, a soon to be Junior and is right on track to graduate with his high school diploma. I know 100% that we would not have made it through this without the support of our amazing Father in Heaven. Pray is everything!!!!
I will be praying for you and your daughter 🙂
Thank you Missy, for those words of encouragement. Through all of this, I have never given up on her and I will never give up on God’s promise. He has and will continue to sustain us through our struggles and I trust in Him completely!!!! So happy to hear of your son’s success. I will also be praying for you and your family that God will continue to flood you with His blessings!!
The sting of rejection effects all of us. We all feel as if we don’t measure up. Because we tend to get our acceptance from others and not from God. I like the comment, “we should go beneath the surface with Jesus so He can show us places in our hearts that need His repair.” To rest in the confidence that God KNOWS me, only then can I feel secure from rejection of others.
I am so not fine, but rather than going out and putting on a happy face for others, I tend to hide out and avoid people as much as possible. That way I don’t have to answer the “how are you doing?” question. I’m OK sharing how I feel with God (He’s used to my tears!), but I have a hard time sharing with people. This is one of the reasons I love this study. I feel like I can share my feelings with all of you, and none of you will judge or condemn me. Just knowing you’re out there, sharing in this study, and reading all your comments about the study and to each other helps me to feel a little more…fine! 🙂
Seclusion seems to be a solution at times, but I’m so glad to see that you recognize it is not a permanent solution! Praying for a more than “fine” day for you today!
I am constantly hiding behind the mask of “fine.” I can’t remember the last time I answered the question “how are you” from a friend with anything other than the words “fine” or “good” even when I was not!! It is so reassuring to know that God loves us even when we’re a mess… and He doesn’t expect us to pretend for Him – he knows the heart, the mind, the soul – everything that has happened and everything that is to come. I need to remember that – He knows everything about me, my every thought, the number of hairs on my head! I don’t need to wear the mask of “fine” with God! Thank you for this encouragement.
He knows and He’s there to hold your chin up and say ” I know you’re not fine but you’re in my care and I’m watching over you. You’re covered in my grace and love. ” Praying that He’ll make us the women that create a safe place for those around us to take off their mask and feel secure enough to be real and ask for prayer or just a listening ear. We long for change – but maybe God will start by making us the “change” we are waiting to see!! :0)
I have been so blessed from the reading of this chapter and the reassurance that I don’t have to be perfect or “fine” in God’s eyes… he loves me even when I’m a mess (which is the majority of the time)!!!
Some of the powerful points that stirred me up in chapter 2:
“Pretending leads to hiding and isolation”. Boy is that ever true, but I am so rejoicing in the fact that I don’t have to hide anymore. Jesus already knows,and even with all the dirty-rotten things I’ve done, he has given me atonement. He doesn’t hold any of that against me. He doesn’t see me for the lowly sinner that I am!! Wow!! He’s such a loving God!!!
“Jesus asked Sam the questions so she would see the pattern of her life and what it was doing to her”. Another WOW!! because for me, that just shows me AGAIN, how much He loves me. He doesn’t reveal these things to us to humiliate us or bring us shame, he reveals these things because He loves us and wants to set us free from the chains of our sins, shame and guilt.
“Jesus is the one One who can meet our deepest needs to be accepted…” I don’t know about anyone else, but I’ve had to learn this one the hard way, many times… still do!! I’ve put myself in this position so many times with people, only to be rejected and disappointed. But, with God, I find unconditional love and acceptance and He NEVER disappoints me!!!
“My image of Him conjured up feelings of fear and judgment instead of protection and acceptance”. I can so relate to this. As a kid, I had an almost paralyzing fear of God and what He would “DO” to me if I messed up and sinned. It caused me to feel a lot of shame when I made the wrong choices. I was always second-guessing myself. I still do that sometimes, but My GOD is not a God of shame and guilt. He is a God of love, forgiveness, patience and kindness. I fear Him but I don’t have to be afraid of Him. Thank you God for revealing that to me!!
The last point and probably my favorite: “He notices and cares enough to tell us that our hearts need repair”. I can definitely attest to that!! A few years ago, I was going through a really difficult and dark time in my life. I had distanced myself from God and frankly, I was a complete mess. I felt like there was no hope for me anymore… that I was too damaged, too broken. One Sunday, I decided to visit church with my parents and there was a guest speaker that day. I had never seen this man before. I noticed he kept glancing over at me and finally he came down from the platform and walked straight over to me, right in the middle of his message. He said, “Lady, I don’t know you or what you are going through, but God does and he wants you to know that He knows and that He loves you”. God does notice folks, and he cares. He speaks to us in so many ways, we just have to listen and open our hearts to His messages. That was His love note to me that day and I will never forget it and how much He loves me and wants me to know Him. That, my friends is blessed assurance right there!!!
Thank you for sharing all that you are learning!! Just wonderful to read and picture the change happening in your heart!!
Love all that you shared!! Thank you Julie.
Thank you, Renee. 🙂
I’m learning not to always say “fine” when asked how life’s going. The honest answer is usually just “OK” which always seems to prompt the question “what’s wrong?” That can open some significant communication and some sharing from the heart!
I’ve been a leader for many years and have struggled with needing to put on the “happy face” at all times. I think this study is showing that I’ve come to the end of me and that I need Jesus to draw me close to him; to drink that living water He talked about with Sam.
So, thank you Renee, for this wonderful study. I click on the “Song of Prayer” link and allow the music to minister to my soul as I read the lesson and reflect on His love FOR ME!
I was just thinking of that same thing- maybe I shouldn’t use the word “fine” since it has a doubtful vibe. 🙂 Think of all the adjectives we can use as substitutes! 🙂 Good. Great. Rough, but hanging on. Fabulous. Terrible but loving God’s work in my life. 🙂 And the list goes on.
How about: “I’m hopeful.”
Wow…I am constantly saying fine. I don’t think there is one person, other than God, who really knows how I am feeling. Most think I am so put together, strong, composed, everything is on the right track. When in reality, I am frazzled, falling apart, floundering, hurting, lost, and so much more. Most of the time I feel as if if I let someone know what is really going on then I will be weak in their eyes. I have realized in the last few weeks that I just want someone to talk to , really talk to. I am struggling to cast all my cares to the Lord, give Him all my worries. I know He is here for me, I know He will help me, but I have a really hard time turning everything over to Him and living by faith. Once, again thanks for hitting it home to me and giving me encouragement and food for thought.
Oh Paula, I could have written this. You say exactly how I am feeling. Everything and everyday seems so hard, but I just smile and go on. But, when I’m alone I feel so lost, I spend a lot of time crying. I too try to turn everything over to the Lord. Like you, I know he loves me but it seems like I don’t know how to let everything go. I am so hopeful that this book and the study will help.
Love to you.
ME too! This is a beautiful way to describe how many are feeling! I’m praying that God will work in your heart through this study in the same way in has encouraged my heart!
with love,
Melanie
Love seeing your pretty smile and face here Melanie. Thank you for your post and for spending time with us here too!! {{hugs}}}
I absolutely love the acronym, Feeling Insecure, Needing Encouragement. l have a feeling that explains most of us, when we say “fine,” whether we admit it or not! While I wish more people would really listen to me, I will honestly try to listen more to others, and given encouragement wherever I can.
Yes! It’s so true that we also need to be good listeners as well as transparent friends. Great point!
Hugs,
Melanie
Yes- If we want this culture of pretending to change… especially among Christian women… may it start with us being listeners who care about each other, becoming safe places for others to be vulnerable.
What a wonderful lesson. What a wonderful chapter.
One time someone showed me an acronym for FINE….I could not remember so after reading this I looked for it on Google.
FINE = Feelings Inside Not Expressed,
FINE = Frustrated Insecure Neurotic Emotional,
FINE = Feeling Inadequate, Needing Encouragement,
FINE = Feeling Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional.
I used to say “FINE” a lot. The truth is, in Christ I am safe and secure….but in fact there are many things in life that make me feel the other sort of FINE mainly for me, “Feelings Inside Not Expressed”. I am learning to own my emotions, feel them and go to God for healing.
God bless each of us and those we love.
The FINE acronym that stood out the most for me was:
FINE=Feeling Inadequate, Needing Encouragement
Thank you for sharing!!!!
I love the acronyms! Thank you. I try to say “I am well,thank you.” — referring to my physical well-being.
I try not to ask anyone how they are unless I am ready and willing to take the time to truly listen to how they really are, and will often follow a “Fine” answer with, “Now tell me how you really are.”. Usually the mask comes off, especially with those who know I will pray for them.
As Ruth Graham so aptly titled her book, “in Every Pew Sits A Broken Heart”. God sees our hearts, and comes to bind them up and heal them with His love.
Joan,
Boy this one really defines me! “Feelings Inside Not Expressed” My husband would agree with that too 🙂 Fine is used WAY too much and I am guilty of it too. It’s easier and more time efficient to say FINE. I’m not willing to share with everyone that asks so it just becomes the easiest answer. I also usually think that’s the answer they are looking for anyway??
I would like to be a more approachable person that others would feel comfortable talking with me. I am a good listener!
And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9
Thanks Melanie for that reminder that His grace is sufficient.
That’s a great set of acronyms! Thanks for sharing them!
This one is me a LOT of the time. FINE = Feelings Inside Not Expressed. I was taught to never cry. Never let anyone see if/when you are hurting. But God is healing me from the inside out.
I can SO relate to “FINE = Feelings Inside Not Expressed” — because “what will people thin” 🙂 I’m so thankful that God is working in my heart to not be fine. 😉 He knows it already. Hope your day is wonderful!
Melanie
Hi Sister Renee,
We are a sisterhood who prays everyday at 5:30am from various states such as Kansas, illinois, Minnesota etc. We have chosen to begin our online study with your book this coming Thurday May 3, 2012 at 8:00pm over the next 9 weeks. We have invited over 100 women to join us in this spiritual journey. I would like to post some of our thoughts each week and keep you abreast of our study from the book “A Confident Heart.” Our spirtual leader is Sister Cathy from Kansas City and I am from Chicago we both will provide weekly updates. We thank you for this opportunity to share this read with our sisters.
God Bless!
Dr. Glennell Conaway
What a blessing to have your group united together. Enjoy the study and keep us posted!
I love that Dr. Conaway. How exciting and oh so encouraging!!1 Thank you for letting us know you are all joining us in this special way. Feel free to use or download anything you find here. Praying for you all and thanking God in advance for how HE’s going to minister to your hearts in powerful ways!!
Wow, what candid insight and conviction. I am so wanting to be able to take off my masks and share at a heart level. To stop being FINE….Feelings inside not expressed. Lord help me to be the Strong, confident, caring, compassionate, fun loving woman you have designed me to be!
I particularly like the Feelings Inside Not Expressed. Probably because I wonder if I truly expressed them would anybody care? Then would anybody be willing to accept me as I am and encourage me to be my best and go before the throne of God for healing? Americans live such a fast paced, on the go life; we truly need to make an appointment to be still and be with God. Well, at least I do and when I do, it is so rewarding.
Wow, what a GREAT way to look at FINE! I agree with all the comments, Fine is used to often, and I am guilty of this too, because I do not want to show that I am hurt, for this shows I am not strong. I too feel at times, inadequate (especially at work at times), I feel that at times when I need support or encouragement, others do not see it, cause I show my self as someone who can encourage/inspire others and positive mainly. I do know that I have a great ear for listening (especially with my friends/children/and there friends) for they will call me, and the extended family of children all refer to me as “Mom 2”, I find comfort in this for they know I will not judge them but I will tell the truth and give them options for which they must choose the path they take, while I can share my experiences and testify to Gods love. I do know that I will be coping FINE, and placing it everywhere till it is in bedded in my soul. God Bless and THANK YOU for sharing, 🙂
feeling insecure needing encouragement and feelings inside not expressed…thank you for putting so succinctly into words exactly what I am experiencing. Now may God by his grace help and strengthen me out of this falsehood and deceptive lifestyle… In Jesus’ Name Amen