How hard is it for you to let people know how you’re doing? I mean how you’re really doing.
I think most of us tend to keep our guard up and shy away from lettings others in. But, we long to be able to let our guards down and depend on other, especially when we’re in need of help, prayers or encouragement.
As I shared in Chapter 2, “Sometimes I think we tell people we’re fine even when we’re not, because we want to be. Or we hope that by saying we are fine, eventually we will be. Other times we act like we’re fine because others expect us to be. And I love how so many of you admitted you also have days when hormones or grumpy-ness trump all good manners and anyone within ten feet knows you are not fine. In fact, what you really meant in code is that you are Frazzled, Irritated, Neurotic, and Exhausted!”
Today, I want you to meet and hear from my friend, Melanie from Only a Breath. She’s the one who created our really cute Online Study blog button (see my sidebar if you want one)! Today she challenges us to take off the “I’m Fine” mask and be real with God, each other and especially ourselves about how we’re really doing.
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… She walks the hallway, fighting back tears that threaten to well up again. It’s been a long night, filled with betrayal and disappointment. Her future is uncertain. Back at the office, she tries to maintain normalcy. When eyes met, she is faced with another routine, “How are you?”
“I’m fine”, she answers, with a plastic smile that hides her pain.
… Across town, a young father shakes hands with the fourth interviewer that month. “Thank you for your time.”he says. On the way home, his wife calls to see if there’ s any hope for the job they’ve been praying for…for so long. They have mouths to feed, children to raise, a car on its last miles… “It will be fine”, he assures her. As he hangs up, he hangs his head in despair.
… A young, single mom cuddles her baby on the park bench. She holds her boy close, surrounded by happy couples with smiling children. She never expected to raise her child alone. The pain is sometimes too much to bear. Will she ever feel that she belongs? That she is wanted? Loved? Beautiful?
“We will be fine she whispers into his soft ear, surrounded by whisps of fine, brown hair.
“I’m fine…”
“We’re fine…”
“Doing great…”
In Chapter 2, Renee invites us to take off the “I’m fine” mask. But she also acknowledges just how scary it is to expose the pain that keeps us up, haunts us like nightmares, and threatens each breath of hope.
… but we’re fine.
Or are we?
Could we take off the mask that we, especially as Christians, live the “fairy tale”? We are certainly blessed, in every circumstance guarded by the Father, but honestly, in the deepest parts, we aren’t fine.
I’m not fine.
If I took off the “I’m fine” mask, would you think less of me, or would you think I’m … human?
We don’t have it all under control, and I can’t help but think that when we act like we do, we basically tell God that we don’t need him.
We’ve got this.
By pretending we’re “fine” we tell others something must be wrong with them if they are hurting… because we certainly are not hurting.
We’re fine.
What if we let someone else in? What if we said, “I’m hurting, and the details aren’t important, but would you please pray for me? I would really appreciate that.” Could that help them, in return, reach out to someone else when they are hurting?
Do we need to grant one another permission to not be fine?
Could we come broken before the Father, and cry out for His mercy and strength? He did promise to never leave us or forsake us. Even when we don’t feel it, could we still cling to His promise and claim it?
He knows we’re not fine.
Could the trials be the very thing that break the strings holding on our mask, allowing it to fall to the ground so we cling to Him a little tighter?
The truth is…
We aren’t fine… We are forgiven.
We aren’t in control… We are held by the hands that control our very heartbeat.
We aren’t invincible… We are made to look to the only One who can heal the broken.
As a sisterhood of hearts seeking our confidence in HIM, let’s take off our masks today. At least here with each other. And maybe with just one other person we meet this week. I have a feeling someone needs to see the battle wounds and scars we carry in order for them to stop pretending and seek His help too.
And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9
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Thank you so much Melanie, for reminding me and all of us again today that God’s grace is sufficient. God and His grace can be my sufficiency… if I let HIM be.
Today’s Assignment:
- Continue or finish reading chapter 2 and answer end of chapter questions. Then come back and share with us what God is showing you about how His perfect love changes everything – especially the pressure to be it all, do it all and know it all – all at the same time.
Connect in Community:
- Please “Share Your Thoughts” below this post. (Remember if you are reading this in an email, click here to visit my website and connect with our ACH community!
- If you are on my site, click “Share Your Thoughts” and do just that. (This is such a valuable part of this study. My favorite part!!)
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I am a food addict. I am NOT fine, but I put on my mask each day and act like I am okay…..Part of the time, I actually am, but not always. I am afraid that if I let go of my mask completely, my whole world will come crashing down around me…so, I try to give it to God each day….His Grace is the best…knowing that I am new each day….a clean slate each day……That gives me hope!
Just finished reading Chapter 2 and can definitely relate to everything in the book. Thank you Renee! My struggle is to really take off that mask of fine and allowing people to see that I am sometimes not fine. I have always had the front that I am strong so i have had some stinging things that have happened. I am praying to take off the mask that I am fine and truly revealing that I am always not strong. Thank you for always leading us back to the one that can truly change us – Jesus!
I really am enjoying the first two chapters of this book. Even though I am one to usually admit when I am not fine, can see that Jesus wants to share those not fine times with me. He wants to restore my innocence lost many years ago and make me clean in him. Now I have to not just believe in Him but believe Him that His promises are true for me.
On page 36 Renee writes, “When she looked into His eyes she saw acceptance, not judgment; love, not hate. She felt valuable in His presence, as though she had something to offer. There was something different about Him.” This made me realize that I often look toward God but I haven’t looked into His eyes to see the reflection of myself as He sees me. My doubts grow like bacteria in a Petri dish because in that glance I’ve missed the unconditional acceptance and love He has for me. When my own thoughts and experience are the barometer against which I measure my worth, I have always fallen short and my doubts multiply. I thank God (and Renee and all the wonderful women walking this path together) for this opportunity to look into God’s eyes, to know Him more intimately, and to trust Him fully.
Janis, I completely understand. My husband and I had a miscarriage on January 1, 2013. I was not fine. But I had to return to work, and he to school. Life had to go on, and I found myself saying I was “ok” as a default. After a few days we opened up to close friends, being able to ask for prayer, to ask others to walk along side you in your pain, is comforting and allows the healing process to take place.
I like how Melanie said we, as Christians, try to show that we are living the fairy-tale and we are all fine. It is so true, but why is it we do this to ourselves and to one another. Being a Christ follower is about admitting we are a mess and we can not do it on our own and therefore, we need a Savior, Christ. Yet, the temptation to put on that mask is strong, I find myself doing it. I have multiple masks to suite different occasions. One for work (ie, the Powerful Business Women, Confident and Unafraid). One for home (Beautiful Wife, keeping her home together and everything in line). You get the point, some masks have been retired, others are getting uncomfortable. But what if I take them off and everyone finds that I am a mess, I am insecure and I doubt. I doubt my abilities at work, I am insecure about how well I perform as wife and house keeper, how well I perform as in-law, cook, sister, daughter, niece, friend, decorator, planner, ect.
I am praying that God meet me here, in this need to be perfect in all I do. I am praying that I would “thirst no more” for approval and validation from others, that my joy, peace, and identity would radiate from within and point others to Christ. I pray that my confidence will come from Christ.
I read this via email the other day at work – I had to stop because I was crying. Reading it I put myself in each of the hurts – I then sent the email to my husband for him to read. I hide a lot behind the “i’m fine” and after reading this I’m making an effort to not hide behind “i’m fine”. My hubby was asking if I was ok last night and my automatic response was “i’m fine”. He emailed me back after he read this saying it was touching; my response to him “I’m glad you read it. Maybe after doing this bible study I will eliminate my “fine” answers. Although, I believe I said I was fine tonight. But if I had to use something else I would say slightly empty. I miss you.” . I’m also hiding behind “i’m fine” when people are asking how I’m doing after my miscarriage on Feb 10th. I know God had a reason and that the baby wasn’t developing normally because they couldnt see the baby on the sonogram at 7 weeks, I know others who are struggling with getting and staying pregnant and i know i’m truely blessed to have 2 beautiful children already. My thoughts are that i really am fine because God is there protecting me and looking out for my best interest, no matter how badly I wanted the 3rd child. it is on the days where i’m hurting more that the “i’m fine” response does really hurt while saying it. this phrase “I’m hurting, and the details aren’t important, but would you please pray for me? I would really appreciate that.” will become my replacement to “i’m fine”. I’m sorry I haven’t read all of the comments on this post (or any other post) and I know a lot of others are suffering with hurt as well as I and I will pray for all of us hurting. I’m really enjoying reading the book and learning more about Gods love for me.
Last year, my husband had a sudden health episode that left him in bed for almost six months. I am also the primary caregiver and helper with three elderly parents. This left me as a constant caregiver 24 hours a day and I was exhausted for most of that time and am still recovering my energy level. I did find it hard to share the load with anyone who could understand what I was going through. Many of my friends listened but gave me little encouragement. I realized this was because they hadn’t been in this situation yet, and they couldn’t feel the scope of how tired I was, and I tried to “strengthen myself in the Lord” as David said. I do find sometimes that my christian community has ready scriptures and answers but less hugs and understanding. I am thankful God always sees me and hears me – His love never fails.
I moved halfway across the country 6 months ago and have a 5 year old. I am in the most difficult season I can imagine in my marriage. It is really challenging to NOT “be fine” when you are trying to make new connections and make friends. But, I am exhausted and have chosen not to be afraid of the fact that I am not fine! I am a really joyful person by nature and that is God’s blessing to balance out this trying time. I don’t wallow and I won’t hide. I think (read, hope) people have appreciated my openness. I really am struggling but am grateful for these new people that have chosen to see ME, even when I am not fine.
I’m not fine. I’ve been trying to be a good wife and mother, but end up feeling judged by what I do or don’t do. I take things my husband says so personally even when he doesn’t mean it to be because I think I’m so ready to receive confirmation that I am failing. I’m a people-pleaser which a recent incident made me remember that doesn’t work. I’m tired of trying to be fine.
Thank you Renee, you are such a blessing pouring out your heart and being real. I thank God for your honesty & openess in sharing with us. Chpt 2 really hit home with me where lots of times I will say “I’m fine”to others & would be falling apart on the inside, dealing with struggles on my own. I am learning to lean more & more on the Lord in all my circumstances.
I have not recieved my book yet so i have not read chapter 2, and i feel like im missing out because there seems to be so many questions that might be good for me to share. Does anyone have any suggestions on how i can still participate on chapter 2 when all have moved along:(
Had to share this tonight. I spent the week with a friend of ours who came for a visit. His wife recently left him and he is struggling with his own self doubt right now. As I entered this study I thought this was for me and only me. I realized that God did bring this study for me but also to help a friend in need. I was able to talk to him about not being fine and it is ok. Thank you to Renee and The Lord for being able to minister and use what I’ve already learned. I ask that all you ladies would keep him in your prayers. He wants nothing more than to repair his marriage for his two beautiful daughters but is coming to realize his wife is not in the same place. This has also given me a bit more confidence that I can witness and minister gods word. Praise be to God! I can do all through Christ who strengthens me:)
DAna hi, im not sure if you are aware of who Benny Hinn is, Im not sure how long ago it was i think a year or two that hes wife filed for divorce from him. He kept praying and believing and would not accept the fact that she was gone from His life, So He belived it and would not talk about any other options. And sure enough about 2 months ago him and hes wife got remarried on television God restored what was broken. Maybe he could email Benny Hinn and ask his advice on this after prayerfully talking to the Father God on it.
I have also been through a situation where God told me this man was for me and he walked away from us, but God told me to keep beliveing and praying like this relationship is already done, i did as he said it was not easy and i had alot of doubts and not much support but sure enough the Lord God did bring my man back and He is grown in the Lord all that time and He has more of a Love for me cause he knows that i never gave up on him, and that Love i was told to give him, God told me when he comes back you cannot bring up his past mistakes you have to totally forgive him as if He didnt do anything i obeyed though it was hard and God did it, Hes Amazing he knows what is best for us and i would never tell anyone to give up on their marriage they should pray ask God what He wants them to do, and do it all the way with His help all things are possible. I never bring up his mistake but He brings it up, he knows he did wrong and he apoligizes to me all the time and He realizes he did wrong. Its a Miracle.
What a blessing, reading your post gives sooo much encouragement and hope to believe what God presses on us, how we should, think, pray & feel. I am encouraged by your sharing and still believe that our God who performed miracles long ago is still performing miracles today!! I love hearing these accounts of God performing miraculous things in peoples lives….it’s definitly a “God thing”.
What. S significant statement : BUT IF WE ONLY LIVE ON THE SURFACE WITH GOD WE WILL NEVER ECPERIENCE THE INTIMACY WE LONG FOR OR THE ACCEPTANCE AND SECURITY HE OFFERS. I love that statement and it can be applied to so many aspects of life.
This post really hit home for me. I am a single mom of a wonderful 6-year-old boy and his father is no where to be found. He does not want anything to do with him. When Braxton, my son, was younger Matthew, my ex, was very close to Braxton and now he does not even call him on his birthday. As a mother it is hard to look your baby in the eyes and answer his questions when you do not have answers. You have to but on that mask and show him strength when you really want to break down and cry.
Also, when I take Braxton to soccer practice it is so hard to put on a smile as you watch the other dad’s coach and help their son. after reading this post I never really knew how often I put on that mask with a smile and pretended everything is ok. I am so thankful that I have my Heavenly Father to come to and take off that mask and show Him how I truly feel. I pray that God will help me to take that mask off more often throughout the day and help to be honest with the people that care.
It’s okay to say you’re not okay. My husband and I have been separated for a year and in the beginning I was a complete mess! Over time, I’ve learned that God is my all in all. I tell people “I’m not fine” and I simply ask for prayer! It’s hard, it’s rough – but I’ve seen the work that God has done in me and my two girls and I know that God is utterly faithful and he truly does turn our ashes into beauty and if you let Him, He will heal your heart, hurts, and restore you!
As I read through a lot of these posts about opening up, I feel so desolate inside. When I open up to my husband with honesty, he absolutely freaks. He screams and yells and throws and breaks things. I am not allowed to communicate to any degree unless by chance, he is in the right mood, which is rare. This is a huge struggle for me, as I am an extremely honest, up front person. I don’t hide my feelings and honestly have trouble keeping them in. God tells us to be honest, with grace of course, but I am not allowed to be. He was all about it when we were dating, but as soon as we got married, no exaggeration, within one week, my honesty was taboo. It has been 12 years. I am dead inside, with only a little warmth left from my Heavenly Father. I feel like one of those animals with their little leg caught in a bear trap, just waiting to perish. Dramatic, I know, but accurate. It seems this valley goes on forever.
I love this study. I’m not fine and I’m putting my trust in God.
me too 🙂
I have struggled this week with loneliness and depression but I have answered “I’m fine”. when others ask how I’m doing. My husband died 4 years ago and most days I really am “fine” but some days are overwhelming. I feel like people really don’t want to know when they ask anyway so it’s an answer that lets them feel comfortable. Being reminded that God cares and is always there, makes it seem a little brighter and easier to manage.
Our verse for this week confirms that God will always known the “real me” – each lustful thought, each evil thought, each sinful desire of my heart. Before he formed me in my mother’s womb He knew me, but He loved me anyway. If I took off my mask and let others see the “real me”, what they would see is that I have a wonderful husband, yet I can’t stop thinking about this other man. Would they think the same way about me after they knew this? Probably not. Only Jesus can love me “just as I am”.
If someone asked, “Did you have a good day”?, I would say “not really” and share with that person about a spiritual or physical need I had. Taking off the mask and letting people see the “real you” also involves revealing the ugly thoughts and desires hidden in the recesses of your heart. Proverbs 23:7 says, “For as a man thinketh in his heart, so is he…” I am not ready to this!
after reading chapter2 and yesterdays guest post i feel that i have been directed to the right place. i am so afraid to hope. jam SO AFRAID and SO TIRED! i wish i could be in a room to see other participants. i am so tired and so sad and so do not wish to be so unaware of what i have and not to be thankful. we have lost so much during these past 7 years and i ache to go home back to minnesota. i feel so alone and helpless. WHOA! that ugliness tumbled out. i did not even have to pay for a counseling session or go buy something!i do so want to be confident that i will not be defeated by my life circumstances but feel that there is so little hope.depression,depression. i have moved on i know from a great deal of anger and felt moving into acceptance was what God wanted from me, BUT I AM NOT FINE thank you to anyone listening,i am not a complainer but am so [email protected]