How hard is it for you to let people know how you’re doing? I mean how you’re really doing.
I think most of us tend to keep our guard up and shy away from lettings others in. But, we long to be able to let our guards down and depend on other, especially when we’re in need of help, prayers or encouragement.
As I shared in Chapter 2, “Sometimes I think we tell people we’re fine even when we’re not, because we want to be. Or we hope that by saying we are fine, eventually we will be. Other times we act like we’re fine because others expect us to be. And I love how so many of you admitted you also have days when hormones or grumpy-ness trump all good manners and anyone within ten feet knows you are not fine. In fact, what you really meant in code is that you are Frazzled, Irritated, Neurotic, and Exhausted!”
Today, I want you to meet and hear from my friend, Melanie from Only a Breath. She’s the one who created our really cute Online Study blog button (see my sidebar if you want one)! Today she challenges us to take off the “I’m Fine” mask and be real with God, each other and especially ourselves about how we’re really doing.
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… She walks the hallway, fighting back tears that threaten to well up again. It’s been a long night, filled with betrayal and disappointment. Her future is uncertain. Back at the office, she tries to maintain normalcy. When eyes met, she is faced with another routine, “How are you?”
“I’m fine”, she answers, with a plastic smile that hides her pain.
… Across town, a young father shakes hands with the fourth interviewer that month. “Thank you for your time.”he says. On the way home, his wife calls to see if there’ s any hope for the job they’ve been praying for…for so long. They have mouths to feed, children to raise, a car on its last miles… “It will be fine”, he assures her. As he hangs up, he hangs his head in despair.
… A young, single mom cuddles her baby on the park bench. She holds her boy close, surrounded by happy couples with smiling children. She never expected to raise her child alone. The pain is sometimes too much to bear. Will she ever feel that she belongs? That she is wanted? Loved? Beautiful?
“We will be fine she whispers into his soft ear, surrounded by whisps of fine, brown hair.
“I’m fine…”
“We’re fine…”
“Doing great…”
In Chapter 2, Renee invites us to take off the “I’m fine” mask. But she also acknowledges just how scary it is to expose the pain that keeps us up, haunts us like nightmares, and threatens each breath of hope.
… but we’re fine.
Or are we?
Could we take off the mask that we, especially as Christians, live the “fairy tale”? We are certainly blessed, in every circumstance guarded by the Father, but honestly, in the deepest parts, we aren’t fine.
I’m not fine.
If I took off the “I’m fine” mask, would you think less of me, or would you think I’m … human?
We don’t have it all under control, and I can’t help but think that when we act like we do, we basically tell God that we don’t need him.
We’ve got this.
By pretending we’re “fine” we tell others something must be wrong with them if they are hurting… because we certainly are not hurting.
We’re fine.
What if we let someone else in? What if we said, “I’m hurting, and the details aren’t important, but would you please pray for me? I would really appreciate that.” Could that help them, in return, reach out to someone else when they are hurting?
Do we need to grant one another permission to not be fine?
Could we come broken before the Father, and cry out for His mercy and strength? He did promise to never leave us or forsake us. Even when we don’t feel it, could we still cling to His promise and claim it?
He knows we’re not fine.
Could the trials be the very thing that break the strings holding on our mask, allowing it to fall to the ground so we cling to Him a little tighter?
The truth is…
We aren’t fine… We are forgiven.
We aren’t in control… We are held by the hands that control our very heartbeat.
We aren’t invincible… We are made to look to the only One who can heal the broken.
As a sisterhood of hearts seeking our confidence in HIM, let’s take off our masks today. At least here with each other. And maybe with just one other person we meet this week. I have a feeling someone needs to see the battle wounds and scars we carry in order for them to stop pretending and seek His help too.
And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9
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Thank you so much Melanie, for reminding me and all of us again today that God’s grace is sufficient. God and His grace can be my sufficiency… if I let HIM be.
Today’s Assignment:
- Continue or finish reading chapter 2 and answer end of chapter questions. Then come back and share with us what God is showing you about how His perfect love changes everything – especially the pressure to be it all, do it all and know it all – all at the same time.
Connect in Community:
- Please “Share Your Thoughts” below this post. (Remember if you are reading this in an email, click here to visit my website and connect with our ACH community!
- If you are on my site, click “Share Your Thoughts” and do just that. (This is such a valuable part of this study. My favorite part!!)
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This chapter really hit home for me. I loved the part that reminded me to slow down and talk to God about my day and the desires of my heart. Ask Him to show you the reasons for your doubts and insecurities. I love the great reminder that He knows us
I’m not “fine” today. We think, or I think I’m supposed to have it all together. Then I can help other people, I mean would people really come to me, not that lots do, but would they if they knew I was such a mess.
Todays been a hard day. Im 35 and I have struggled with guilt trips and hurt from the same source for a long time. I try to move past it, lay it at the alter, pray for the source, forgive not for them but for me, yet the words and hurt, nothing physical or dangerous (just in case someone reads this) but emotional hurt. And I continue to let myself continue in this same cycle over and over again thinking the next phone call will be different, yet it remains the same. The rejection is so deep and bleeds out into all my relationships including into my marriage to a wonderful Godly man who is patient and kind. I say this time will be different and that I’ll be “stronger” I wont seek the approval or want it anymore, but then I am and I feel rejected and hurt, all over again. I know this is not necessarily on topic of chapter two, but I feel this is a safe place. The situation happened this morning, at lunch I told my husband about it and cried, then I was exhausted. You know I have been in school until recently for six years to help others, and as I cried to my husband I said, “I went to school saying I wanted to help people, but I think I was just trying to “fix” me.” When my husband left after lunch to head back to work I felt the Lord prompting me to read the rest of chapter 2 that I began last night. I identified in ch. 1 looking for love in the wrong places, in ch. 2 I identified with Sam. I was her, have been her many times I think. Running or avoiding the eyes, the judgements, the belittleing. And the last 2 questions in chapter 2 made me realize something.
I prayed asking the Lord to speak to me thorugh His Word as I read through the Scripture of Sam’s story again. I felt through the words Christ spoke to Sam He was tellling me, “If you truly knew Me, truly realize who I really am, that I can fill you. Fill those hurts, fill those places left empty from rejection. That you continue to try fill them on your own, through anything, whether from the past of love from places you knew in your heart wouldnt fullfill, or even now, whether through ministry, your son, your husband, but I will truly fill, and you will no longer be “thirsty” again.”
In question 7 in what lesson I would take away from this chapter is Christ really KNOWS me, and even though He know, He LOVES me. He really and truly “WANTS” me, even though He knows all I’ve done in my past, my current failures, what’s been done to me, yet He still WANTS me. And He wants me to open up to Him and be transparrent, no pretending. I dont have to seek His approval or acceptance He gives it to my unjudgementally. HE LOVES ME.
You for the first time I related to the Samaritian woman on such a different level reading the story thru the context of this book. I have sooo many thoughts in my heading rolling around from all the positive words of truth that I read and are highlighted. My biggest hurdle will be getting all this from my head to my heart. Like Renee I always thought God was made in my DAD’S image and not the other way around. Rowing up I was out on a pedalstool by my dad, when I did good he was happy and doted on me. When I failed or did wrong or did not agree with hm then he was angry and disappointed. I think for the fist time I am realizing where my twisted view of God came from and I need to turn it around. I can honestly highlight and re write every quote and scripture in thes 2 chapters as every word relates and speaks to me right now and I feel sooo broken and unloved by others that I feel sooo alone (other then my kids and husband) I have no one. Man my journal is gonna be long tonight!!!!
Hello, I really enjoyed this chapter-chap-2. It real spoke to me and really LOUDLY. WOW!!!!
I understand, It is normal for any of us to live behind the mask especially in the current society we live in. However, I find in the family of God, we have to be transparent in order to get help and be of help.
Renee the part about how you were offended you were at the onset…. when folks saw the hidden part of your house, and but later appreciated the very reason that folks cared enough to correct or have you make the repair that needs to be done in your house–yes that message–REALLY blessed me. Because I was raised abused as a child, when I became of an adult I told myself, “now that I am an adult, I will run away from abuse (or anything that smells like it or looked like it). I will NEVER allow anyone to talk to me any kind of way’ because of that I had a hard time taking criticism, even if it is from someone who deeply cares. Recently though as I continue to grow in close fellowship with my Lord, I don’t take it as hard, (the onset feelings is still there) because of my own insecurities or doubt– if folks even cared) BUT it is not in the degree it was, and I am learning to thank the Lord, and move on implementing the changes that I have to make within myself.
My criticism/correction also got me even closer to my LORD for I often cry out to him (yes tears and all) and ask why I am going thru this once again, (why I am not normal-like everyone else, and perfect) and MY LORD the LOVER OF MY SOUL, reaches deep within my heart and lets me see it and his spirit comforts me and gives me the PEACE that surpasses all understanding as it says in Philippians 4:7 ‘And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus’
Now, in this season of my life, though I still do NOT like it, (till I get my CONFIDENT HEART) I am ok with correction, and— to come across those who find what is deep in me and care enough to share their godly advice.
**May God continue to touch the hearts of US all, and grant us the healing that we so desire. God bless you all. Today, I will commit to pray for each of you, as well as Renee-her team….as we continue to journey along the path that God is leading us to take**
I am seeing things that are hindering my walk with God. I am trying to deal with my anger and stress. I feel as if God is showing me that if I want to be a better witness to my daughters and my husband that I need to deal with my issues. I am not fine! I often feel alone, scared, and left to deal with life without the presence of my husband. My husband is a truck driver and is gone Monday through Friday. I am not angry at him because he is gone, he does a great job of providing for our family. I get angry at the situation, you see I have been praying for a job that gets him home every night for the past 8 years and God has not seen fit to provide that yet. I will continue to pray for that job. I do feel the stress of being a single parent Monday through Friday plays a huge role in my anger and loneliness. There are so many things that God is bringing to the front for me to deal with, only with His guiding hand.
This was really good! It’s been a difficult 6 months for me: first I lost my mom then my dad decided less than a month after losing Mom that he needed to find a new wife since he was lonely. I’ve been in therapy for the last four or five months because I’ve been so depressed over losing Mom and my dad has turned into someone that I don’t even know anymore. I told him three months ago that I really don’t want to hear about his lady friend, then a few weeks ago there was a terrible phone call where he told me that he can’t understand why I’m still upset over losing my mom. He said that I’ll see her again so why should I be sad and depressed. Then he called last week–just 6 months after my mom passed away–to tell me that he and his lady friend are getting married. Now, I feel like I’ve lost my dad. I am so depressed but I can’t tell my family about the depression because they believe that a Christian can’t be depressed so if I say I’m depressed, then that obviously means I ‘m not a Christian. And, according to my dad, if I’m still upset about losing my mom, then that means I can’t be a Christian because a Christian knows they will see their loved one again in heaven one day. So I go to work every day and say I’m fine…and I tell my kids and husband I’m fine…and I go to church every week and pretend that I’m fine…….
Elaine…you owe yourself time to grieve your mother. Let your father carry his own ‘backpack’ of how he will move on…you carry your own too. God’s heart breaks when your heart breaks…you can be an example of His love to your father…and that is an example of a Christian women…also a women who shows her children the love thru the tears from losing their grandma. You are also allowed to set healthy boundaries on your father’s new relationship…for you and your family.
You are strong thru Him…He will lead you.
Elaine-
I believe there is a time to mourn, and everyone mourns differently. Jesus even wept when his dear friend died.. JESUS mourned! And Jesus knew where he was going and what would happen to him, but we still mourn. The absence we experience from losing a loved one forms a huge hole. As brothers and sisters in Christ we are also asked to mourn and grieve beside you. Remain faithful in God’s promises, you and him will decide when to begin healing. Really glad you shared this. Think about deciding to break free and start getting real with how you feel. This journey is yours… whether your family understands or not.
Re-reading some of the comments from today…reminds me of a quote from our pastor…that happened to be repeated by my therapist ‘do not compare your inside stuff to somebody’s outside stuff’…I love that and it resonated w/ me. My brokenness is no different than your brokenness…it hurts!
Another quote I came across that I latched on to is…
‘Through our wounds, others may be invited to make an appointment with the Great Physician’…not sure who author was.
Why are we afraid to be authentic? Why are we doing the enemies work?…on ourselves and each other?
I am broken ladies…my whole life I have felt abandoned, rejected, alone, unworthy, unloved, afraid, unwilling to trust…I am not perfect and I have good days and bad days…I have a lot of baggage from my youth that I carried w/ me…carried is key because thru intensive therapy w/ a loving God and my loving husband & safe friends have I been able to say ‘I am the one Jesus loves’…and remind my self when I doubt.
I am afraid to take off my mask. I have built walls so high that I rarely ever let anyone in to see ‘the real me’. I have learned through a lifetime of being hurt that it is not worth it to let my walls down. I am lonely and afraid and tired of hiding from love. I don’t know any other way to behave I have been hiding for so long I fear I have lost touch with the ‘real me’. I often think that all of God’s promises are for all of you but not for me. It’s not that I don’t believe Him I just think he forgot me. I am not afraid to be transparent to God but I am to all of His people.
Lord I ask you to send the Holy Spirit to Phyllis to remind her of the hope of Your promise. Speak to her heart Lord and remind her she needs faith as small as a mustard seed. You can move mountains Lord…move in Phyllis’ heart to have courage through you to slowly unmask her heart and reveal the ‘real’ Phyllis…Lord you already know her heart…You are already behind her mask with her. Help her heart believe.
I have been in a place of no hope Phyllis…they were big ‘soul holes’ that only He filled for me. I too felt He forgot about me…then I chose to surrender and lean in hard on Him.
The women who have been married more than 2 times need to examine there choices in men. We women want to be loved that we are like the isrealite in the wilderness searching the same mountain in men and landing the same type of men. The one that mistreat us and do not encourage us nor value us. Let God choose your spouse, That is what I’m doing. If one never comes, i’m ok with that also.
I’m offended by your assumption that I didn’t go into marriage believing that it was a gift from God. I’ll admit freely my first marriage was a mistake of poor self-esteem, but I felt very strongly that god had lined up my life in a very odd and sometimes painful way so that I could meet my current husband. He was the total opposite of my first husband, and he was an amazing man when we met, and he stayed that way until he met HER. He had spent a lot of our marriage telling me he was “Fine” when he needed to address some things that were critical to our success.
I was a Christian both times I married. I had also gotten too big for my britches and thought I could be as smart as God.
I have, blessedly, learned this is not true. Sadly, my current husband still wants/needs/takes all glory for himself.
But until the day he got so mad he cheated on me , he was the biggest cheerleader is ever had. My friends were envious of our marriage. They all wanted a husband like mine. And I was so broken I didn’t feel I deserved him.
If I met the man today, I wouldn’t give him the time of day were he to talk to me the way he now does. So please don’t tell me I let someone mistreat me. I watched the man I love turn into a different person – and not for the better.
And knowing that all that love and support is poured into his mistress and her children instead of our family? Yeah, that’s what kills me. That’s what makes me doubt that even God could love me. Even though I know better.
So thank you for your prayers and support, but do not assume you know everything about us because we have had more than one husband.
I was dealing with this the day before we read this….my husband just left me.My family and friends keep asking me how I am and I keep saying I’m fine because I don’t want to be a burden on them. I know my kids are hurting too and I don’t want them to see my mask down. I have put my mask down for God and a few of my close friends. I just feel that I am a failure and I don’t want everyone to see that or that I am struggling everyday sometimes minute by minute. This study is going to be awesome for me and I can’t wait to see what God is going to do.
I think saying im fine for me was a way to not make something into a big deal. Also, i felt like i didnt want to burden other people with my problems. As i’ve gotten older, i’ve realized the importance of having people around you that can be encouraging and you can be transparent with.
I feel if I let people know I’m not fine they will think less of me. People see me as strong and confident, but I am far from. I don’t know how to humble myself before God, and with a sincere heart ask for his help to change me, to be ok with not being fine, and live w/o a mask. I don’t feel God’s love or presence, but I would be lying if I said he wasn’t real and could not hear me because he brought me here, to this bible study. I doubt I will ever change and grow, bc the lies I believed are now my truths. Idk how to not pretend, to take off the mask, and just be me. I’ve been wearing it for so long I don’t know how to be real, what that looks like, or who I am.
I do have difficulty asking for help. Usually I am the one doing the helping. I felt alone when I lost my job. I couldn’t express how I felt in the beginning. I finally figured it out. I was mourning a death of a love one. Losing my job hurt more than my two divorces. Believe me divorce is not an ego booster.. People were shocked when I lost my job. They didn’t know what to say to me. I still can not work because my daughter and grandson need me.
Wow! You ARE being real and honest ! This is a big step! Though I don’t know you personally you are going to make it to the finish line. This study will be your coach and all of us together will be each other’s cheerleaders. I too have walk that walk of acting like I am “OK” and not expressing my abandonment issues and fear of rejection. I have even lost a great man, because I feel I was not as vulnerable as I needed to be with him; he thought I was “PERFECT”, but I was not at all! So our connection did not pass our initial attraction and chemistry; we never connected emotionally because of wearing my mask! This is so painful to even express to a stranger, but I want you to know you are not alone. Keep in your prayers and I will do the same. Giselle from Miami
Thank you. I needed this today. Its been a long week and a very long day. I’m empty and right now I’m not fine. I’ve been known to be too emotional so I’ve learned to not show how I feel anymore. To just smile and be happy even though inside I’m hurting and I’m weak. I can’t fight the fight of being the strong one anymore. I’m empty and I can’t give to everyone anymore. I’ve been single for over 15 years now. I’ve survived many things including a divorce that ended because he raped me. I just last year was able to open up about what really happened in my marriage for the very first time to a christian counselor. After I told him, I felt free. They say the truth will set you free and it did. I’m working on falling in love with me again because for so long I shamed myself because of the rape. I felt I deserved it. Too ashamed even to tell anyone, until now. I know God has a plan for me, plans for good and not for harm. I know He loves me and doesn’t want me to carry this load anymore. Its not a husband or a marriage or kids that I’m ultimately seeking, but to know that I am in the perfect will of God doing what He has called me to do, whatever that may be. But some days, its hard. Today it was hard. I’m not fine. But tomorrow will be better. Weeping may endure for the night but JOY comes in the morning!! Awesome article!! Thank you for posting it. Be blessed!!
I was just speaking about authenticity & brokenness w/ a girlfriend yesterday and why women are so afraid to share how they are really feeling! Why does our society mask the hurt? Why do we have the fear of being perceived weak? Why did it take 38 years for me to have true authentic safe relationships? Why didn’t I free my heart earlier in my life? Why do we feel the need to ‘be fine’ when we are not?
well…I matured through therapy…I matured as a woman…I matured as a friend…I matured as a wife…I matured with Christ. I would like to declare the words ‘I am fine’ not part of my vocabulary. Lord let my tongue speak the truth through You…I am happy…I am scared…I am tired…I am anxious…I am overwhelmed…I am sad…I am excited…I am content…I am lonely…I am loved by Him.
today’s blog really spoke to my heart and my struggles…and I love how God repeats Himself in my life!
I think sometimes we fake it because we are expected to be happy. How can we show Christ’ love to others if we are a mess? It is hard for me to open up all the way. Once I shared my insecurities with someone and then later they betrayed me in a professional situation. It is hard sometimes to let your guard down. It is hard to trust others.
It’s real hard for me to open up and tell people my problems. I want everybody to think I’m this perfect strong Christian woman.I lost six of my family members last year but the one that hurts the most is losing my 37 year old brother to cancer. But when people ask you how you are doing and you say not good they look at you at tell you to get over it that your grieving should be done. So you start telling everybody your fine while your heart is in pieces.
I can relate with this so much! This is a topic that I’ve thought a lot about over the years.
Fine…generally I take it as not doing well when people respond that way. I know for me with all the physical battles I was facing when people would ask, I’d respond “fine”, because I knew my limits and I knew my strength and I didn’t want to be discounted because I wasn’t “well”.
Renee,
I just want to thank you for writing your book. It’s been years since I felt like I could relate to a book, in a way I do with Confident Heart, and the pain I’ve held on to for too many years, God is already speaking so clearly to me, and I’m excited for the work he is doing in my heart. I didn’t realize how I felt about myself, and longing to be loved so desperately. It began as a young girl when my brother died of Cancer at age 14 yo, and I 13 yo. I’ve always felt so abandoned as a young child, married young and was yet abandoned by my husband. For the last five years I’ve truly been in survival mode raising my two boys, with no family support, doing the best I can with what I’m given, but desperately longing to be loved and accepted. God truly put this book in my lap, and I really feel his presence with me. I’ve been longing to have Godly mentors in my life, but have not truly opened my heart to others, in fear of being left. God is giving me the strength and courage to press thru my fears, and trusting him and what he’s planning to do thru this study.
Thank you, for what you are doing!
Renee Matson
Chapter 2 was painful to read – for so long I felt that I had to be strong – single mom on active duty, no family network to count on. It was so hard for me to be open with anyone. A few years ago, I found a book, How to Study the Bible, that I picked up about 25 years ago (at my first duty station!) and started on a journey of getting to know God’s within the stories/gospels/letters. I’m no longer on active duty, my son is grown, but I still say “I’m fine” even when I’m not, but I’m thankful that I can talk to God, who knows when I’m not fine and that’s okay, because He loves me anyway.
This was stated in a similar way with someone’s earlier post, but a part of me questions that I have a right to ever say that I am not “fine”. What I mean, is that even as I read so many of your posts, the challenges that I face seem to pale in comparison to the journeys that many of you are on. My heart and prayers go out to each of you, and I appreciate your willingness to be so open with your struggles. How can I be anything but grateful for the life that I am leading, when there are so many in this world that would gladly take on my “worst” day as their “best” and yet there are times when my insecurities are so real and feel so insurmountable. It is in those moments, of course that I recognize that I have distanced myself from God and am looking for comfort outside of him. I truly pray that I learn through this study how to have a relationship with Him that fills those insecurities.
Lisa, I feel the same as you do reading some of the other posts. I don’t feel like my life is really that “bad” I have a lot to be thankful for. I feel like I started this study to gain the confidence to do so much more…to do what God really created me to do. I don’t know what that is yet, but I do know I haven’t been living my life confidently and I doubt myself a lot. I know that Jesus promises to meet me wherever I am…I don’t have to have big problems to have him help me through it.
Thanks, Sara. You are right. My challenges may be different than others, but it doesn’t make me any less in need of God’s support or love. I as well have not been living my life confidently, and I pray through this study I am able to discover how I should be walking differently in the plan that God has for me. Thanks again!