How hard is it for you to let people know how you’re doing? I mean how you’re really doing.
I think most of us tend to keep our guard up and shy away from lettings others in. But, we long to be able to let our guards down and depend on other, especially when we’re in need of help, prayers or encouragement.
As I shared in Chapter 2, “Sometimes I think we tell people we’re fine even when we’re not, because we want to be. Or we hope that by saying we are fine, eventually we will be. Other times we act like we’re fine because others expect us to be. And I love how so many of you admitted you also have days when hormones or grumpy-ness trump all good manners and anyone within ten feet knows you are not fine. In fact, what you really meant in code is that you are Frazzled, Irritated, Neurotic, and Exhausted!”
Today, I want you to meet and hear from my friend, Melanie from Only a Breath. She’s the one who created our really cute Online Study blog button (see my sidebar if you want one)! Today she challenges us to take off the “I’m Fine” mask and be real with God, each other and especially ourselves about how we’re really doing.
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… She walks the hallway, fighting back tears that threaten to well up again. It’s been a long night, filled with betrayal and disappointment. Her future is uncertain. Back at the office, she tries to maintain normalcy. When eyes met, she is faced with another routine, “How are you?”
“I’m fine”, she answers, with a plastic smile that hides her pain.
… Across town, a young father shakes hands with the fourth interviewer that month. “Thank you for your time.”he says. On the way home, his wife calls to see if there’ s any hope for the job they’ve been praying for…for so long. They have mouths to feed, children to raise, a car on its last miles… “It will be fine”, he assures her. As he hangs up, he hangs his head in despair.
… A young, single mom cuddles her baby on the park bench. She holds her boy close, surrounded by happy couples with smiling children. She never expected to raise her child alone. The pain is sometimes too much to bear. Will she ever feel that she belongs? That she is wanted? Loved? Beautiful?
“We will be fine she whispers into his soft ear, surrounded by whisps of fine, brown hair.
“I’m fine…”
“We’re fine…”
“Doing great…”
In Chapter 2, Renee invites us to take off the “I’m fine” mask. But she also acknowledges just how scary it is to expose the pain that keeps us up, haunts us like nightmares, and threatens each breath of hope.
… but we’re fine.
Or are we?
Could we take off the mask that we, especially as Christians, live the “fairy tale”? We are certainly blessed, in every circumstance guarded by the Father, but honestly, in the deepest parts, we aren’t fine.
I’m not fine.
If I took off the “I’m fine” mask, would you think less of me, or would you think I’m … human?
We don’t have it all under control, and I can’t help but think that when we act like we do, we basically tell God that we don’t need him.
We’ve got this.
By pretending we’re “fine” we tell others something must be wrong with them if they are hurting… because we certainly are not hurting.
We’re fine.
What if we let someone else in? What if we said, “I’m hurting, and the details aren’t important, but would you please pray for me? I would really appreciate that.” Could that help them, in return, reach out to someone else when they are hurting?
Do we need to grant one another permission to not be fine?
Could we come broken before the Father, and cry out for His mercy and strength? He did promise to never leave us or forsake us. Even when we don’t feel it, could we still cling to His promise and claim it?
He knows we’re not fine.
Could the trials be the very thing that break the strings holding on our mask, allowing it to fall to the ground so we cling to Him a little tighter?
The truth is…
We aren’t fine… We are forgiven.
We aren’t in control… We are held by the hands that control our very heartbeat.
We aren’t invincible… We are made to look to the only One who can heal the broken.
As a sisterhood of hearts seeking our confidence in HIM, let’s take off our masks today. At least here with each other. And maybe with just one other person we meet this week. I have a feeling someone needs to see the battle wounds and scars we carry in order for them to stop pretending and seek His help too.
And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9
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Thank you so much Melanie, for reminding me and all of us again today that God’s grace is sufficient. God and His grace can be my sufficiency… if I let HIM be.
Today’s Assignment:
- Continue or finish reading chapter 2 and answer end of chapter questions. Then come back and share with us what God is showing you about how His perfect love changes everything – especially the pressure to be it all, do it all and know it all – all at the same time.
Connect in Community:
- Please “Share Your Thoughts” below this post. (Remember if you are reading this in an email, click here to visit my website and connect with our ACH community!
- If you are on my site, click “Share Your Thoughts” and do just that. (This is such a valuable part of this study. My favorite part!!)
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I use I’m fine all the time….especially lately….and part of it is I don’t know what’s wrong….been trying to just saturate myself in God’s Word and this study….thank you for the opportunity to just write this…
I haven’t been fine for a while. I keep it to myself though because I know there are other people who have a lot worse problems than I do.Besides the issues I’m going thru with my parents, I’m 42 and single, do not have much experience in dating and worrry that I’m always going to be alone. I’m very shy and introverted and have a really hard time getting out there. I keep thinking of Jeremiah 29:11 and know God has a plan for me and there may be a reason I’m alone but then I wonder if God has already tried to send me someone but because I was so scare to put myself out there I lost out. I know i need to remember that God is with me and work on keeping negative thoughts out of my mind.
WOW, I read the questions at the end of chapter one, right before I started chapter 2….I was amazed at things that I felt, that I quess where “put” away. I started to write in my journal and couldnt stop, I have gone over alot of what I wrote and I’m so gratful that I have a loving Savior, Redeemer and Friend. Chapter 2 was awesome I love Sam’s story….The pages in my book, are turning color, to bright YELLOW hi-liter. As I was growing up I knew about God, I knew in my heart He existed, but I DID NOT KNOW HIM!!! As ive been reading and going over my notes, I see even more prayers God answered. I surrendered my life to the Lord in 1998, while my walk has not been an easy one, I am blessed beyond measure. I have not been able to read all the posts but ones that I have read have touched my heart and thank you Renee….for sharing this book with all of us, also thank you for reminding us that He loves us and meets us where ever we are. Praying for everyone….
I use the “I’m fine” statement alot because I don’t want to admit something is wrong out if fear that people won’t understand. Im being to understand that is on yo not be fine and admit that, especially to those closet to me. I’m leaning on god when I need him not trying to do everything on my own. I’m so great full for this study, thank you.
I think I have a continuous play button that i hit that says I’m fine. It is my standard default.
i have had people in my life who have asked how i am doing and when i start to tell them they change the subject to what it was going on with them and i feel like what about me so i just give up a lot of the time.
this study has help me see that there is someone who truly wants to know how i am doing in and wants to hear all about it and that I can trust HIm to listen.
I remember back when I was a baby Christian and a single parent. Something bad had happened before I was a Christian and I shared it. I was told by the women I shared this with “Don’t Tell anyone else what happened no one will understand!” So much for being open –
I learned over time that even with Christians you just don’t ever tell the whole truth because it’s not safe.
Luckily I have one close Christian friend and we are honest with each other.
Not sure if I can be transparent or not.
I could so relate to Sam’s story. I’ve been alone most of my life. I was married for a very short time, long enough to give birth to 2 beautiful girls, and then we divorced. I raised my girls on my own. I remember at one point in my marriage…..my ex-husband told me “I should feel lucky he married me because no one else would have.” Those words resonated with me as I have felt most of my life that I wasn’t good enough for anything. I was involved with 5or6 relationships since my divorce and none of them stuck around and showed me true love. I know that God loves me…..but I don’t understand why I’ve had to be alone and go through some very difficult times without someone in the physical to be by my side. This makes me feel like I’m not worthy to have what seems everyone else has….a relationship….and because of this, it’s difficult for me to comprehend that God would want anything to do with me. I know He loves me…..but it’s hard to accept that he wants me for who I am.
Mary, although my story is very different I feel like some of the emotions that you have expressed are also the same as mine. I have never been married, and in fact have never even dated. I truly believe that if that type of relationship is something I am meant to experience than God will provide the right person at the right time, and yet it is not something that God has ever brought into my life. It is very hard sometimes as I don’t understand why? Marriage is biblical…why would God not want me to experience that kind of love? It can feel very lonely to watch others around you experience that kind of love, and many are quick to say things like “marriage isn’t everything”, “marriage doesn’t guarantee you will be happy”, or even question “why aren’t you married” as if it is a choice I have made to not experience that type of love. In my head I know that all of those things are true…that marriage doesn’t equate to happiness, etc. but in my heart it hard not to feel insecure or question why I’m not good enough to be a wife. I know God should be enough, that His love for me is greater than any other love could ever be, but that doesn’t seem to fill the physical void. I can’t offer anything more than my prayer and I will surely pray for us both. I appreciate you sharing your story. You are not alone, and while it is a lesson I am still learning myself, I hope you will never doubt your worthiness.
Like a lot of you I am currently seperated from my husband (14.5 yrs married…16.5 together). I tried fixing our marriage my self from last July until January. But I decided I can’t fix it….I still pray every day and most days LOTS during the day…I’ve really delved into reading, studying, and applying the Holy Bible to my life since the split. Sometimes are still rough…but I’ve decided all I can do is be the preson God wants me to be and quit worrying about trying to change him..bc until God works on his heart…noone can change him. It just sadden me we now have a 4 yr old little boy going through the middle of this too….he took us over ten years to have…we even actually tried fertility pills..THAT DIDNT WORK..I lost abunch of weight and bam it happened when we least expected it. I have in the last few months….read and committed to the RESOLUTION for WOMEN and now I am participating in this study. Of course now my estranged Husband says I am “ms religious” and I think everything I do is “Godly”….I try to let what he says go in one ear and out the other. I am not striving to please him..I striving to please my LORD!
Donna – my wannabe ex said the same thing to me when I finally caught the clue that the way to change what i had become was to go through God! I once tearfully said I wished I had been more the person I am now when he met me, and he said, “Nah – I never would have gone for a girl with her nose stuck in a bible.”
They say these things because they won’t take off their own masks. They can’t admit truth to themselves.
I have learned a lot about myself and who I am in The Lord through the last two+ years of separation from my husband. But he hasn’t learned anything, because he just ran off with another woman and is treating her as his new ingenue.
And despite it all – his affair, his mistress’ entitlement to him, his accusations for this that and the other – I have kept myself pure and open because i have to be able to face our 4-year-old knowing I’ve done everything to save her family. That I turned to God and followed his directions. Because if she can’t get her family back together after all this heartache, at least she can get a clear picture of Hod and who he is.
And maybe she will grow up knowing she is free to say when she is not FINE!
Your heart is in the right place, and I pray God blesses you richly for your obedience to him.
Sometimes I think it was easier putting on a fake face, then now admitting all the problems I have, I sure hope this study will help that, I think I feel even worse now then when I was faking how I felt, at least I felt like I might at least be alittle happy at times, please give me hope, I know God loves me to pieces, but as a human being I don’t see much of that towards me from anyone else, and I don’t want to tell a bunch of people how I really feel, then them not be able to figure out why I don’t GET IT!
I don’t mind sharing my real self. I just don’t any more because I haven’t met anybody in a really long time that I think cares whether I’m hurting or not. I feel isolated and friendless. Not real sure why I should share when it seems nobody cares.
Tammy – my heart is breaking after reading your comment. Please don’t shut others out. My prayers are with you.
Peace & blessings,
Tammy T
I have a question, if you don’t love yourself, ARE you capably of showing love to others, I was told now by 2 people that you can’t, you can’t share something you don’t have, I don’t love myself:-(( Will this study help me to love myself?
Through the years in the church, I have been taught to think “positive.” Don’t let others know you are hurting because we, as Christians, are supposed to be positive. I’m often told to stop complaining so I hide my hurts deep inside. Very difficult to find someone that you can trust unconditionally and just say, Please pray for me. I’m so hurt.
Cheryle – You have hit the nail on the head! We are afraid to share our hurt, because it makes us vulnerable. We try to live up to, or down to the expectations of those around us. You know, every day, I look in the mirror and say, “I am good enough. I am beautiful just the way I am. God loves me.” After awhile, I started to believe it. Give it a try. Once you start to feel worthy, you will realize that your feelings are valid and need to be shared. I would listen if you want o share what is hurting you so. I’m so sorry for your pain. I’ll be praying for you tonight!
The problem with opening up is that when most people say, “How are you?” it is just an obligation, and you are expected to answer “I’m fine”. How utterly shocked would folks be if they had to engage in a deeper exchange? I am guilty of surface relationships, because sometimes I am afraid if I open up a crack, I will fall apart. It’s time to get together as women and understand that none of us are “fine” and that’s why we need God and each other.
Hiding behind “I’m fine ” led to overwhelming anxiety,and depression with a subsequent inability to focus on anything other than despair and deep emotional pain. I had to let my guard down and turn to God, His Word, and the people he put in my life to teach me what I need to learn and to give me hope. This study came at a good time. Acquaintances still get “I’m fine ” but friends, new and old, get the honest answer. I like the suggestion to ask for prayer from those who ask how I’m doing, and will try to do better at asking for this.
I, too, like the suggestion to ask for prayer when people say “How are you?” Thanks for pointing out that simple suggestion that I skimmed right over! I’ll be giving that a try. I am also good a beating them to the punch by asking them first, “How are you?” because then I don’t have to answer to them. How sad is that? DeeDee, I am going to stop and pray for you right this moment!
WOW. Is all I can say. I am about to take off my mask and let u all know me.
I was born January 31, 1984, weighed 2lbs 2ozs. Adopted the day I was born, I am biracial and my adopted parents are white. When I was adopted, they had two boys that were nine and eleven @ the time. My biological mother and my adopted mother are sisters. My adopted dad didn’t want me at first because I was biracial. He told my adopted mom that if she went and that black/N***** of baby that he would take the boys and leave. My adopted mom is a Christian, so I always went to Church. Later that day she went up and saw me for the first time, they called her on the way to the hospital in the ambulance and told her that if she wanted to see me, she needed to come soon, because I may not live. So, again, she went up and seen me later that day, and to this day, she tells me, she did nothing but pray for me, She had her Church pray for me.
When she got to the hospital, she said they kept measuring my head and it just kept getting bigger, so a month later, I had to have a shunt put in for hydrocephalus, Once they got the shunt put in, I stayed in the hospital for 3 months, then I got to come home and they did, nothing but, love on me. I had to keep going back to the doctor for certain things, once was when I was really sick, because they had me on the wrong milk. I kept thriving though, I give the credit to GOD, he wasn’t done with me. I had my adopted dad wrapped around my finger when I was little, and my adoptive brothers are still close today. My adopted mom still goes to Church, and her faith is still like it was 29yrs ago when I was born. In the mean time I have had other health issues come up because of my biological mother, she took drugs while she was pregnant with me and I ended up having Hepatitis C because of her drug abuse. I have had several surgeries because of my prematurity, I’ve had 4 eye surgeries, one shunt revision, gallbladder surgery, jaw surgery, colon surgery, etc. Some of that wasn’t because of my biological mother, but a lot of it is, I have a hard time with forgiveness, will u all pray for me? I am now going to a loving Church, I just don’t accept love very well. I am doing good though, I was told I would never amount to anything by some teachers I had. I am living on my own, working at a grocery store, been there for almost 10yrs, went to college for a little while, etc. Thanks for reading my story, feel free to e mail me
Thank you for sharing your story!!! Praise God for saving you!! Praying for you <3
I was into the second day before I joined this online study. I am so glad that I did. I find that no matter how hard we try to be the Christian that God wants us to be we all have our struggles to deal with. This one is probably what we all deal with at some given time of answering “I’m fine” when really you are not. We may not always feel that we can be open with those around us, but, we are so blessed that we have a God that wants us to be honest with Him and let him know that we are not always fine. If we can just remember to leave our “I’m fine” or “Worries” at the foot of the cross, we will see a brighter side.
God bless each of us in this wonderful study.
We are so fortunate to have this freedom to study God’s word and to share what we feel.
Whew! My sisters are going so many things. I would like to share a short testimony regarding being honest with one another. On Resurrection Sunday, following a breakfast at our church, I asked a gal how she was doing. She responded honestly – not to well, and I could see tears in her eyes. She explained a little of what she was experiencing. I asked her if I could hug her. She put down what she was holding and we hugged. As I hugged her, I whispered a prayer in her ear, all the while rubbing her back and holding her tightly. She was crying some. It was such a blessing to just pray “spontaneously” as God gave the opportunity. I just had to slow down and listen to her answer. I try to do that when I ask people how they are in passing – when we’re both walking in opposite directions. 🙂 What happened with this sister doesn’t happen often, but I do want to be open to others’ needs. God bless you all.
This is so beautiful! I am so thankful that you listened and obeyed God — what a challenge to us all to respond with compassion and the power of prayer!
I wish there was a like button by all the comments, like on fb:-))
Chapter 2, questions…1. My first memory of God was sitting on a step at my friends house reading Genesis 1 so I must have been second grade. God was good he had made the animals. Growing up He was good but I wanted my mom’s pray answered, that my dad would quit drinking and return to being the man God had called him to be. That took fifteen years of my mom and grandma’s faithful praying and yes I prayed but because my dad was so far removed from me and it took so many years, God seemed distant. 2. My childhood perception of God was one of remoteness but Jesus sought the woman at the well, he waited for the woman at the well, he answered her questions, he looked at her, she was not invisible. 3. Often I feel I am the only one who struggles with insecurity and doubt. Some areas of my life I am not filled with doubt but I still fear rejection in regards to writing. 4. Jesus is a safe place and so is God, it is comforting that he cares about my hopes, dreams, desires, disappointments. My current situation is trusting that God knows where I am at, we gave up our home to take care of my mother in law and I lack any control of where I am at. The other problem is my husband has a need and God has not answered that need probably because my husband doesn’t see his problems as a need and that makes it my problem and I continue to live with his problem. I do go to Jesus in order to make it through the day. He is my safe place. 5. Much has happened in my life, currently physical pain causes me to distance my self from others. Sometimes I distance my self from God but I do know that Jesus is with me every day. 6. God knows my secrets just as Jesus knew hers, God knows my shame of past choices, just as Jesus knew her choices. The lesson I walk away with is that I am loved. Despite the pain I have in my life, I am loved. His eye is on the sparrow. The good work he started in me, He will complete. Phil 1: 6 Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in me and in my husband will carry it on to completion, until the day of Christ Jesus. Blessings Diana
I am so tired of wearing this mask of everything is OK. It’s NOT OK!
Living with the constant rejection from my husband, then he informs me it’s me fault that he cheated on me via the internet, because I rejected him when I was caring for my dying mother, three children – youngest with special needs, and his diabetes. He’s the one that refused to be with me, because his priority was/is the virtual world.
I have been praying for God to change me. To help me be a better mother to our youngest son, help/show me how to give our daughter the middle child what she needs of me since so much attention goes to her little brother, and to “Let Go and Let God” with my 20 year old son who seems to have fallen off his path. I am also praying for the direction I am supposed to take with my almost 15 yr marriage. I know God doesn’t want any of us living in abusive situations weather it’s physical, emotional, verbal, sexual, economically, spiritually. It was shocking when God opened my eyes to the fact that I am abused on several of these levels, and I thank HIM everyday that it isn’t physical.
Oh, sweet friend. My heart is absolutely breaking for you. I am praying for your marriage and for the pain of betrayal you are experiencing. I pray that God would transform your husband’s heart and restore your marriage. My love to you today….
Having been someone in the past who would not allow people to know I was NOT ok I struggled through the last year as I completely fell apart. I started attending a new church with people who didn’t know anything about me. I cried a lot, every sunday service for a whole year. After my pastor referred me to counselling things started improving and I am feeling less controlled by my emotions. Unfortunatley things are still not OK. I’ve found that once again I have put the mask on because people seem to not want to know. I need to talk and in talking to others I generally hear myself give myself the answers.
Having had the mask on for so many years, letting it drop for a year and now putting it back on…. I find it easier in my relationships with others with the mask on rather than off.
Unfortunately it is not good for me and my spirit to have it on 🙁
I’s finding a balance I think
Praying for you, sweet friend. Have you considered blogging or journaling? When I wrote this post, I was overwhelmed with discouragement. I only felt better after I wrote it out … very much therapeutic for me. Praying for you today. Unfortunately, you are right about some people just don’t want to know. I’m praying God will use you in a mighty way for Him — to reach others who may be going through discouragement as well.
with love,
Melanie
Thanks Melanie, I really appreciate your prayers. Yes I do journal and it does help with those overwhelmed emotions. I prefer to talk with friends and I do have a couple who are great. Most people do not understand my circumstances.
My husband has Aspergers/OCD/Depression. He doesn’t socialize well and often offends people. We have three children who were all born prematurely by emergancy casear and all have medical/learning issues.
My eldest son also has aspergers. My 2nd son is due to have his 10th surgery later this year and the 2nd on his spine.
My personal story cut short is my family believing I am the reincarnation of my mothers twin sister who died a few months before I was born. I was named after her and through out life was expected to live the life she was unable to live.
Because I didn’t measure up to what was expected of me I became the unwanted, unloved child.
Much of that I am at peace with now as I begin finding who I am in Christ.
I am very grateful for the Pastors and friends I have who have helped me through the last year when my husband turned away from God and cheated on me (We are still together trying to sort things out)
He will no longer attend church or even speak to our church family 🙁 Which I find extremely hard as the vision we had together is now dead and buried.
But back to my lovely friends, I see in their eyes that they really do not understand what it is I am saying or going through. Although I am grateful they listen I feel because they don’t understand I am being a burden on them. Trying to find a balance of when to put the mask on and when to take it off.
Trusting God will show me and help me to overcome the emotional turmoil.
Many thanks to all the team and participants of this study. I love reading the comments, it helps me feel that I am not alone after all. God’s timing is perfect and this format for this study is a blessing. 🙂
Wow! Chapters 1 and 2 are incredible. They have allowed me to work through self doubts and insecurities. They helped me realize who God is and how He forgives us and helps us. I have struggled with failures, loss, low self worth, etc. I thought by filling up my schedule it would help ease the pain but it didn’t. I usher, volunteer at an inner city youth program, the team mom for my son’s baseball team, work full time, etc. All it did was make me overwhelmed and exhausted. I love volunteering because it helps me feel valued and like I am making a difference. I have struggled with failures becase I have always wanted to be a nurse but I failed out of two programs. I don’t know what to do with my life. I struggle with “what is my calling.” This book is helping me so much. I really appreciate this study.