How hard is it for you to let people know how you’re doing? I mean how you’re really doing.
I think most of us tend to keep our guard up and shy away from lettings others in. But, we long to be able to let our guards down and depend on other, especially when we’re in need of help, prayers or encouragement.
As I shared in Chapter 2, “Sometimes I think we tell people we’re fine even when we’re not, because we want to be. Or we hope that by saying we are fine, eventually we will be. Other times we act like we’re fine because others expect us to be. And I love how so many of you admitted you also have days when hormones or grumpy-ness trump all good manners and anyone within ten feet knows you are not fine. In fact, what you really meant in code is that you are Frazzled, Irritated, Neurotic, and Exhausted!”
Today, I want you to meet and hear from my friend, Melanie from Only a Breath. She’s the one who created our really cute Online Study blog button (see my sidebar if you want one)! Today she challenges us to take off the “I’m Fine” mask and be real with God, each other and especially ourselves about how we’re really doing.
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… She walks the hallway, fighting back tears that threaten to well up again. It’s been a long night, filled with betrayal and disappointment. Her future is uncertain. Back at the office, she tries to maintain normalcy. When eyes met, she is faced with another routine, “How are you?”
“I’m fine”, she answers, with a plastic smile that hides her pain.
… Across town, a young father shakes hands with the fourth interviewer that month. “Thank you for your time.”he says. On the way home, his wife calls to see if there’ s any hope for the job they’ve been praying for…for so long. They have mouths to feed, children to raise, a car on its last miles… “It will be fine”, he assures her. As he hangs up, he hangs his head in despair.
… A young, single mom cuddles her baby on the park bench. She holds her boy close, surrounded by happy couples with smiling children. She never expected to raise her child alone. The pain is sometimes too much to bear. Will she ever feel that she belongs? That she is wanted? Loved? Beautiful?
“We will be fine she whispers into his soft ear, surrounded by whisps of fine, brown hair.
“I’m fine…”
“We’re fine…”
“Doing great…”
In Chapter 2, Renee invites us to take off the “I’m fine” mask. But she also acknowledges just how scary it is to expose the pain that keeps us up, haunts us like nightmares, and threatens each breath of hope.
… but we’re fine.
Or are we?
Could we take off the mask that we, especially as Christians, live the “fairy tale”? We are certainly blessed, in every circumstance guarded by the Father, but honestly, in the deepest parts, we aren’t fine.
I’m not fine.
If I took off the “I’m fine” mask, would you think less of me, or would you think I’m … human?
We don’t have it all under control, and I can’t help but think that when we act like we do, we basically tell God that we don’t need him.
We’ve got this.
By pretending we’re “fine” we tell others something must be wrong with them if they are hurting… because we certainly are not hurting.
We’re fine.
What if we let someone else in? What if we said, “I’m hurting, and the details aren’t important, but would you please pray for me? I would really appreciate that.” Could that help them, in return, reach out to someone else when they are hurting?
Do we need to grant one another permission to not be fine?
Could we come broken before the Father, and cry out for His mercy and strength? He did promise to never leave us or forsake us. Even when we don’t feel it, could we still cling to His promise and claim it?
He knows we’re not fine.
Could the trials be the very thing that break the strings holding on our mask, allowing it to fall to the ground so we cling to Him a little tighter?
The truth is…
We aren’t fine… We are forgiven.
We aren’t in control… We are held by the hands that control our very heartbeat.
We aren’t invincible… We are made to look to the only One who can heal the broken.
As a sisterhood of hearts seeking our confidence in HIM, let’s take off our masks today. At least here with each other. And maybe with just one other person we meet this week. I have a feeling someone needs to see the battle wounds and scars we carry in order for them to stop pretending and seek His help too.
And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9
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Thank you so much Melanie, for reminding me and all of us again today that God’s grace is sufficient. God and His grace can be my sufficiency… if I let HIM be.
Today’s Assignment:
- Continue or finish reading chapter 2 and answer end of chapter questions. Then come back and share with us what God is showing you about how His perfect love changes everything – especially the pressure to be it all, do it all and know it all – all at the same time.
Connect in Community:
- Please “Share Your Thoughts” below this post. (Remember if you are reading this in an email, click here to visit my website and connect with our ACH community!
- If you are on my site, click “Share Your Thoughts” and do just that. (This is such a valuable part of this study. My favorite part!!)
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I think, in some ways, we live in a society where people ask how we are, not really wanting an answer. It’s a courtesy. The truth is not what they want to hear. Speak the truth too many times and you find yourself alone. I have lupus. I have had it since I was 18 and now I am 54. I have learned to be fine. In the last five years I have suffered more loss than you can fathom. I left my husband of 27 years because of a prescription drug addiction, alcohol addiction and neglect. Our marriage had been dead for many years. When I walked away, I lost my step kids, whom I had raised from the time they were little, my 11 grands, and most of what I owned. I had no babies of my own. I felt empty and rejected. I met someone and remarried. My new husband had problems as well and he disappeared and went into recovery. Again I was flattened. My sister took me in. We are now back together but that cost me my siblings. Going back to him was a big mistake in their eyes. Then my first husband died and I was devastated. He died three months after I moved in with my sister. No one seemed to understand why I felt pain. I lived with my sister for about 8 months and I learned that no one wanted to know how I really was. They all discussed me privately and I would hear it later. I felt talked about and I was. My mental state affected my lupus and honestly, I just would have rather died than listen to all the lectures, criticisms, and advice. Finally, I stopped sharing, nearly stopped eating and dropped down to 100 pounds. I was not fine. Grief was a constant. I missed my husband. I was severely depressed but couldn’t take anti-depressants because when I took them previously, I lost about 20 lbs. The doctor didn’t want to risk it. The day my sister sat me down at the kitchen table and told me she couldn’t live with someone who had no ambition, was the day I decided that I would always say, ‘Just fine!’ I had lots of ambition, just no strength, no energy, no motivation, no will. I felt like I was dying. I felt like I wanted to die. I tried to explain but was met with what I call the cancer argument. “I know people with cancer who… ” who apparently could manage to do all the things I could not. When my husband moved here so we could work on our life together, part of his recovery, I was then accused of using my sister because she had taken me in. I hadn’t used her. I was sick, wounded and grieving. I needed a safe place and couldn’t find one in my family. I am safe sitting on the Father’s lap, telling him all of the things that people can’t seem to deal with or don’t really want to hear. What I have to deal with is not what a person shares with normal, healthy people. They don’t want to hear about pain, sickness and loss. They want to hear, ‘I am fine!’ I am sharing here hoping others will learn how deep despair can become when you haven’t got someone who will listen without judgement. Praise God that he loves me just the way I am. He knows me intimately. I have a long road ahead of me, but in his grace, I will be safe. I will never be who I was before this happened, but hopefully God will use these trials to grow me into someone stronger and more confident. (Hope this made sense. I tend to ramble when I am upset. I’ve come a long way since then but this is what came out of Chapter 2.)
Oh, sweet friend. My heart goes out to you. I just can’t imagine…. However, the part where you said people don’t want to hear about pain, sickness, and loss — so sad to hear this but I think you are absolutely right! This challenges my heart to be completely open and genuine when I ask how others are, and not to just use it as a greeting. Please know I am praying earnestly for you, and pray God will cover you with His peace and joy. I praise God for the good work He has already started in you, and know you will be encouraged by this book. He will be faithful to complete His work in you!
Blessings,
Melanie
Ev,
Thank you for having the courage to share. Thank you for reminding me to be compassionate. We tend to forget that people who are struggling ( and most are) sometimes do not have the strength that we think they should and we need to help be that strength, not judge and condemn. Thank you for reminding me to be and encourager. I will keep you in my prayers. What you have gone thru has already been a help to someone else…me. God is already using you for good. Thank you for sharing and teaching today. Praying for God to bless, comfort, and continue to use you.
What do you do when you take off your mask and find that you are hurt by the one or ones closest to you…who are supposed to truly love and support you? I believe with all of my heart that God and Jesus know and love me…I continue to struggle with falling short every day. Sometimes it is so overwhelming that hiding is almost easier…a relief, even!
I am not fine, but Melanie is right. I tell others that I am all the time. Always trying to be strong for everyone else, or just not wanting others to know I don’t have it all together. Well, I’m actually hurting right now. I cry out to God at night, sometimes. But mostly, I keep it to myself. And I miss out on the comfort that I could receive from those who care about me. Thank you for reminding me that it is okay if I don’t have it all together.
praying, praying, praying for you…. I love your honesty and thank you for your comment. God hears and sees you!
I can’t take the study right now because I am the caretaker of my dad, who is on hospice in the last stages of Alzheimer’s. There’s just no room for it with my dad, husband, and teenager. But I have been so blessed by each day’s email. Today was awesome. People ask me all the time how I’m doing. I always say I’m fine, yet I have never been so far away from fine. Thanks for letting people know we just have to be, we don’t have to try so hard. Keep ’em coming!!
I can truly sympathize with what was said. I’m always telling people “I’m fine” when in reality I’m not. I could sometimes cry so hard and loud just wanting to feel better but I don’t for fear people will think I’m crazy. I have this fear that has crippled me from driving and going where I want that I don’t understand and don’t know how to work through it. I can’t get a job so I can live on my one but I don’t really stress over that because I’m doing what I think I should be anyway in that regard. I just don’t like being broke and having to depend on others for money. I’ve always worked. I need to pull the mask off and let go.
I really appreciate Melanie’s thoughts. I am not finding in your side bar, Renee, the Online Study blog button Please help. 🙂 Thank you. God bless you and everyone involved with this study.
Here’s a link to the Online Study button in several sizes 🙂 Just yell at me if you have any problems with them.
http://reneeswope.com/online-biblebook-study/
hugs,
Melanie
I know that I am not fine even though I act like I am. I am one that tends to “stuff” everything inside until I explode at those closest to me. I am slowly working on this and hope that this Bible study will help.
There is a “cultural voice” in our society that tells us we must “be fine” “look fine” “act fine” lest we be considered less than , not good enough, politically incorrect, weak. This is true of both men and women. Even as Christians, we often tend to turn our ears toward this this voice and the poisonous UNTRUTHS it whispers.(voice of a fallen world?) The truth is …this is not our Father God’s voice. HE speaks love and acceptance,grace and mercy. The truth is… our friends,coworkers,bosses,neighbors,church family,et al are ALL going through the same trial, it just takes on many different shapes and forms; divorce,illness,death,financial crisis,lonliness,etc. They aren’t fine,either. They need our love as we need theirs. They are aching for someone to care, also.
Sisters, it is time we arise and take a stand for the AUTHENTIC LIFE we were created to live. Did the Lord not permit our trials in order to strengthen us that we may in turn be strength and comfort to others? Many unbelievers have been led to the Lord this way. In my own life I have experienced rejection, the unexpected death of a spouse and other loved ones (by both accidents and suicide),lonliness,loss of employment and financial insecurity. I pray that by others knowing my situation, it has and will continue to encourage them in some way. We may not always be FINE, but that’s one reason why we HAVE EACH OTHER! Blessings to you all!!
This is absolutely perfect timing….I am so good playing the part of being “fine” – when as most people have said earlier clearly I’m not fine. The bad part is that I feel like I should be fine. I work, I have good health, 4 beautiful kids, a wonderful husband(we had to do some serious soul searching when talking about marriage) so naturally from the outside looking in I should be more than fine. But I’m not….and I’m honestly tired of pretending to be fine. I think I mostly worry about what people may think if I say something other than I’m fine……I know it shouldn’t matter but it is definitely a reality! I’m so thankful to read other posts of other Christian ladies who aren’t fine. My prayer is that I will truly truly began to seek God and cry out to Him(i think sometimes that because of my past I don’t deserve His love but none of us do right?) Please pray with me and for me!
Thanks
I have to agree it is very scary to remove your masks. I spent most of my life hiding behind my masks. The ending of my marriage, the divorce, the loss of friends, family, church, my parents, etc. has seemed like a continual war.Most days it feels like my heart has been shattered into a thousand pieces and trying to put the pieces back together slowly and purposefully. Few understand that kind of repeated loss or really want to hear about it. My pride keeps it in too. That is something the Lord is slowly revealing to me. Yet, finding safe people to share the pain, the journey, the ups and down has been rare. The people I thought would be there for me, are not.
However, I am learning to let my mask down with God. As I learn to trust him more, than hopefully, he will provide other people I can share with. The Lord is showing me his grace is sufficient like it was mentioned on this post.
Thank you for the reminder to not always advise, but to acknowledge someone is hurt and needs prayer and loving empathy.
It is a good point that was made that we can say ” I am not fine today, but pray for me.” That is honest. Thank all you ladies for your comments and sharing your lives. It does help to know you are not the only one struggling.
May the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, give each of us the Spirit of wisdom and revelation so that we may know Him better. Lord, we want to know and rely on the love You have for us, and live in that love. You say that whoever lives in love lives in You, and You in him. In this way, love is made complete in us, so that we can have confidence today and forever.
Jesus we are taking off our masks and seeking You with all our hearts. WWe want an up close and personal relationship with You, one where I don’t have to pretend or hide. Thank you that we can have that because of your up close and personally pursuit of each of us!! In Your Name we pray, amen!!
Thank you for praying this for us Renee. I am agreeing with this prayer right now. I need it.
Thank you Renee!
Our verse for this week reveals that God knows the “real me” – each lustful thought, each evil thought, each sinful desire of my heart. “Before he formed me in my mother’s womb He knew me”. It is the wretched thoughts/sins hidden in my heart that reveal the “real me”. God’s Word says, “For as a man thinketh in his heart, so is he…” (Prov. 23:7). What people around me see are my “good works” – not the “real me” that God sees. If I were to show others the “real me”, they would see a person who lusts after other men. Would they think the same way about me after they knew this? Probably not. Only Jesus’ perfect love accepts me “just as I am”. When someone asks, “Did you have a good day?” I would feel comfortable to share with that person about a spiritual or physical need I have, but I believe letting people see the “real me” would destroy my testimony.
Sometimes we say we are fine because it is easier to respond that way, no one is committed to explaining or listening. But what I found when my husband was going through a terminal disease I wanted to keep my guard up and say fine to my friends and family. I needed to have fun positive conversation with them. And I found it much easier to visit a physchologist, a complete stranger to pour out my hurt and express myself to them. I needed my friends for some normalcy in my life in order to help my husband and keep me from melt downs. My husband thanked them for that to. 🙂
That’s a great perspective that seems like it was also a wise decision. You are right – we need both kinds of people in our lives 🙂
Years ago one of our Pastor’s wives asked has I was and I respond “I’m fine” to which she responded “No, how are you really” It communicated to me that she really cared as she sat and listened to me giving me her full attention. I like to call that discernment, but really it is just simply giving your attention to someone really.
Sometimes women say “I’m fine” because they don’t want to be seen as whiners, others don’t want judgment. That Pastor’s wife is long gone but she left that with me and I try not to over use it.
I myself these days have become secretive when others have asked , mostly hoping they would say “No, How are you really?” So far no one seems to care. So I don’t answer or delay returning calls. This is where I am today. Hopefully things will get better, gotta stay hopeful.
Love this! I need to remember this challenge too! 🙂
After finishing Chapter 2 today, I’ve realized that I need to go to the Lord FIRST and tell Him that I’m not fine and pour my heart out to Him. Most people, even my loving husband of 20+ yrs., really don’t want to hear “I’m NOT fine”. I cannot expect people to meet my needs, only the Lord can do that AND change the situation. I do like the suggestions to reply with “I’m blessed” or “I’m hanging onto the Lord” when asked “How are you?”. I’m going to practice replying with either and see what happens…He just may make it a great opening to share my faith and Him with another 🙂 And actually, I AM blessed through Renee’s online bible study and community with all of you godly women, and so much more!
I grew up not knowing that my father and mother loved me or even really cared for me. They never hugged me or kissed me or even told me that they loved me. My dad was a work-a-holic. He was a farmer/factory worker and my mom was a school bus driver. We lived a we’re just here life. We went to church only on Easter and Christmas and I didn’t know what it meant to have a Father who loved me and wanted to hold me.
In my early high school years is when I really started to doubt myself as a person.
My school mates run me down a lot and teased me all the time. I felt like a no-body. I was never smart enough and good enough to be on any ones team.
My family didn’t care if I was there or not. So I searched for love in other ways. I found a boyfriend and he told me that he loved me and wanted to have sex. I got pregnant and my parents made me get an abortion to hind it from everyone. I didn’t know at that time that it was wrong (but I do now). I have struggled with not forgiving myself and my parents for years.
I asked Jesus into my heart/life when I was 18 when I met a wonderful Christian man. We have been married for 28 years and I still sometime struggle with that memory even though he reminds me all the time that God has forgiven me and to let it go. I know that God has forgiven me, but every time I hear about abortion, Satan brings it to my mind again and again. I am trying to work through this.
Cindy,
I can relate to you on some many levels. I didn’t grow up with my parents and I have always felt a void. I later moved with my mom but I was not bonded and still felt and do feel a void. I’ve never known my father and my mother is not forth coming with any information about him. I was raised by my grandparents who did the best they could for me and my siblings. We weren’t shown love or affection so that is a problem for me today. I do hug my grandchildren and tell them I love them so that they will know it but I didn’t do it that much with my own children. I’ve never felt smart or like I was adequate. Even after finding the Lord at an early age, I still didn’t know how to follow Him like I do today. I too had an abortion so when I would hear that word, I would feel the same as you. I have learned to forgive myself but it still creeps up sometimes.
I will pray for you and hope we both learn how to “let go and let God” use us and help us.
Thank you Victoria for sharing with me. It helps to know that I am not the only person that has went through this. Love you my sister.
I can relate to you in so many ways, Victoria. Thank you for your honestly and transparency today. I pray God will take what Satan meant for evil and use it for HIS good! I pray God will cross your path with young girls who may feel the same way now that you did growing up, and that you will be able to encourage them and point them to the love of Christ. You are forgiven by Him, and if God sets you free, you are FREE indeed! 🙂 Love you!
Melanie. thank you for your prayers. I do appreciate it and I know that Victoria would too. Love you my sister.
When I tell people that I am not fine, when I tell them I have problems, they always answer, “oh everything will be fine” So I usually don’t share how I am. I am the go to person, the person with the answers, the person with the “experiance”. I can help everybody, but not myself.I don’t want to be the go to person anymore, the one with the answers. I want to be fine, for real. I think it is time to really read this chapter, and really pray. thanks for helping me to see this.
I type this as tears fall down my face. I know God knows why and I know he has a plan bigger and better than anything I could ever imagine on my own. I also know that my suffering will not go unnoticed by him and he is working in me. I just can’t keep from crying today because I long for the human interaction of a friend who is there for me and can listen and give advice. Afterall God created me that way didn’t he surly he doesn’t want me to live this side of Heaven feeling alone and like nobody but him cares. I’m so confused and am feeling attacked by satan who is relentless in his presute of me. I know that God is the answer but I’m also wondering exactly what is it he wants me to learn in this time of struggle. When does it end? Where is the joy that God promises? He’s blessed me with so much. Yet I still feel alone. Why?
God sees you, sweet friend. I know it seems like He doesn’t sometimes, but He sees and cares. I pray God would cover you with His love and assurance of His presence today. May you feel an overwhelming sense of His love for you, and in turn, be able to use this time of suffering one day to reach others who are suffering. He loves you so much, and I do too. If you ever need a friend or someone to just talk to, please feel free to contact me any time.
love to you,
Melanie
Oh how many times have I said those words – “I’m fine” – too many to count. I am finding now that I am more open about what I am going through others are more open with me. Why is it so hard to take the mask off and just be ourselves. God created us to help each other.
Renee and Melanie – you both mean the world to me. I read this book last year and it changed my life. I was making some very hard decisions and that is hard when you don’t have a lot of confidence in yourself. I gave it all to God and he has helped me grow and change so much over the past year. Thank you for this wonderful book Renee!
Melanie, I found you when you were making the one word buttons last year. What a blessing you are! I love your blog and you feel like a friend even though we have never met face to face.
I love how God puts the right people in your life at the right time. 🙂
oh sweet friend! You have made my whole day. I’m happy to see your sweet “face” over here!!! God does have an amazing way of crossing paths! I pray He will encourage you as you go through the book again — He encourages me every time I read it!! 🙂
As women, most of us put on the front that all is well – with our family, on our jobs, in church, etc. As for me, I do it because I want people to think that I’ve got it together. But the message really hit home when it shared that if we always have it together then do we really need God? I think you should have at least one friend whom you can go to to be totally honest with and share all of your concerns, troubles. This will help in the natural. But Jesus should be the one whom we totally give our worries too and trust that He will work it all out. For when it’s all said and done He is the only One who can and will work it out.
I have finally gotten a chance to watch the video from a few days back and between that and today’s post, I feel like my heart has a lot to process. I want to be known and loved, but I am so scarred to let people in. I am very guilty of the “I’m fine” line. I am so afraid that if people knew I didn’t have it all together they wouldn’t want anything to do with me. I have a very type a, perfectionist personality. In my heart I equate love with having to have it all together. But 99% of the time I feel like I don’t, and the more I try the more I feel defeated. These chapters are definitely causing me to step back and reevaluate how I handle things. My prayer, and has been for along time, is that God could bring into my life an amazing godly women to share with. I have had friends come, but they always so; which makes it that much harder to open up. I also pray that I can turn to the Father for my hope and love. It hit hard to read that when we say we are fine, we are also saying we don’t need Him. But we really truly do.