How hard is it for you to let people know how you’re doing? I mean how you’re really doing.
I think most of us tend to keep our guard up and shy away from lettings others in. But, we long to be able to let our guards down and depend on other, especially when we’re in need of help, prayers or encouragement.
As I shared in Chapter 2, “Sometimes I think we tell people we’re fine even when we’re not, because we want to be. Or we hope that by saying we are fine, eventually we will be. Other times we act like we’re fine because others expect us to be. And I love how so many of you admitted you also have days when hormones or grumpy-ness trump all good manners and anyone within ten feet knows you are not fine. In fact, what you really meant in code is that you are Frazzled, Irritated, Neurotic, and Exhausted!”
Today, I want you to meet and hear from my friend, Melanie from Only a Breath. She’s the one who created our really cute Online Study blog button (see my sidebar if you want one)! Today she challenges us to take off the “I’m Fine” mask and be real with God, each other and especially ourselves about how we’re really doing.
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… She walks the hallway, fighting back tears that threaten to well up again. It’s been a long night, filled with betrayal and disappointment. Her future is uncertain. Back at the office, she tries to maintain normalcy. When eyes met, she is faced with another routine, “How are you?”
“I’m fine”, she answers, with a plastic smile that hides her pain.
… Across town, a young father shakes hands with the fourth interviewer that month. “Thank you for your time.”he says. On the way home, his wife calls to see if there’ s any hope for the job they’ve been praying for…for so long. They have mouths to feed, children to raise, a car on its last miles… “It will be fine”, he assures her. As he hangs up, he hangs his head in despair.
… A young, single mom cuddles her baby on the park bench. She holds her boy close, surrounded by happy couples with smiling children. She never expected to raise her child alone. The pain is sometimes too much to bear. Will she ever feel that she belongs? That she is wanted? Loved? Beautiful?
“We will be fine she whispers into his soft ear, surrounded by whisps of fine, brown hair.
“I’m fine…”
“We’re fine…”
“Doing great…”
In Chapter 2, Renee invites us to take off the “I’m fine” mask. But she also acknowledges just how scary it is to expose the pain that keeps us up, haunts us like nightmares, and threatens each breath of hope.
… but we’re fine.
Or are we?
Could we take off the mask that we, especially as Christians, live the “fairy tale”? We are certainly blessed, in every circumstance guarded by the Father, but honestly, in the deepest parts, we aren’t fine.
I’m not fine.
If I took off the “I’m fine” mask, would you think less of me, or would you think I’m … human?
We don’t have it all under control, and I can’t help but think that when we act like we do, we basically tell God that we don’t need him.
We’ve got this.
By pretending we’re “fine” we tell others something must be wrong with them if they are hurting… because we certainly are not hurting.
We’re fine.
What if we let someone else in? What if we said, “I’m hurting, and the details aren’t important, but would you please pray for me? I would really appreciate that.” Could that help them, in return, reach out to someone else when they are hurting?
Do we need to grant one another permission to not be fine?
Could we come broken before the Father, and cry out for His mercy and strength? He did promise to never leave us or forsake us. Even when we don’t feel it, could we still cling to His promise and claim it?
He knows we’re not fine.
Could the trials be the very thing that break the strings holding on our mask, allowing it to fall to the ground so we cling to Him a little tighter?
The truth is…
We aren’t fine… We are forgiven.
We aren’t in control… We are held by the hands that control our very heartbeat.
We aren’t invincible… We are made to look to the only One who can heal the broken.
As a sisterhood of hearts seeking our confidence in HIM, let’s take off our masks today. At least here with each other. And maybe with just one other person we meet this week. I have a feeling someone needs to see the battle wounds and scars we carry in order for them to stop pretending and seek His help too.
And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9
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Thank you so much Melanie, for reminding me and all of us again today that God’s grace is sufficient. God and His grace can be my sufficiency… if I let HIM be.
Today’s Assignment:
- Continue or finish reading chapter 2 and answer end of chapter questions. Then come back and share with us what God is showing you about how His perfect love changes everything – especially the pressure to be it all, do it all and know it all – all at the same time.
Connect in Community:
- Please “Share Your Thoughts” below this post. (Remember if you are reading this in an email, click here to visit my website and connect with our ACH community!
- If you are on my site, click “Share Your Thoughts” and do just that. (This is such a valuable part of this study. My favorite part!!)
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It’s so hard to get past the “I’m fine” answer even in church when the reality is church is where we should be most free to be open with each other. I have a close group of women who I share with and try to be more open and vulnerable, but just imagine what would happen if we all bought our brokenness and insecurity before the Lord and the church how he could heal us, and help us reach others who are struggling.
I read recently (again but with new understanding) “Adam and Eve were naked before God and unashamed”. That is because they knew they were loved regardless. I am finally learning that too. People who make us feel ashamed if I show myself “naked” to God are the ones that make us put on the mask. But Praise Be To God for the Freedom I have finally found!! I come to Him, naked. He sees all the “roots of bitterness” that were growing and so loving performs His operation on them all. Put in His healing oil and gives me refreshing wine to drink and clothes me in His royal robes. And I dance before Him with all that’s within me!!! He smiles. I am known but I am loved and I am NOT ashamed.
I am a little behind in the assignments but I had started this book last month. The day I read part of this chapter I was in church. It was before bible study, I had already prayed, so I sat quietly and was reading on my Kindle. I got halfway through the chapter and just broke down. I had gotten to the part where Renee speaks about meeting us where we are How He is waiting for us to stop running to and turn to him. Well at that point it was time to pray and start worship. The first song they sing is “Oh How He Loves Us” I knelt down at my seat and just cried. I couldn’t stop. My heart cried out to God because I was so tired of pretending. I am in a relationship that has started too soon and because I am afraid to lose him, I won’t break up with him so we can grow. It doesn’t make sense but its a fear. But because he is a leader in the church, I don’t want to tell anyone details because he could get into trouble with the pastor and it would be a mess. So at that moment, I knew God was there. I knew He was waiting for me and had wrapped his arms around me and wasn’t going to let go.
Being transparent … Even though I know God “knows” me .. I mean He made me.. knew me before I was in my mothers womb.. So how can i not be transparent before him.. Easy.. I fool myself. I fall into that trap that Adam and Eve fell into. Hiding from God, afraid, worried.. unsure of the God that knows and loves me.. Fear.
always fear.. But I will try to remember that He loves me and already knows all that I think, desire, dream, feel etc…
“We aren’t in control… We are held by the hands that control our very heartbeat.” ~ Renee Swope
Tears came to my eyes IMMEDIATELY with that simple statement. I’m a type A personality, one that wants to control everything and have everything happen in my time frame and that’s been a portion of my personality that has become really frustrating as of late. I’ve been trying to have a baby for a few years, I’ve been trying to change my profession, but I’ve experienced no change it has been tough. It’s been hard to celebrate others who are advancing and receiving what I want. But, I have to remember that I have no control, if I truly want to live a surrendered life, one dedicated to genuinely becoming a disciple of Christ I have to leave all things in the hand of the Father.
For the last cople of months I’ve been answeing the question “How Are you?” with I’m fine… and turned the conversation around as quick as possible, because everything is not fine… I started a relationship just 4 months ago and he is like a dream man but my insecurities, past, doupts and onconfidence is soon ruing the relationship… not to talk about the relkationship mistakes we have made as Christians all ready! that adds to guilt trip the things that should not be there….
For the last month or so i’ve been wanting to quit saiing I’m fine but that is the automatic answer. I don’t wnat others to be burdend by my hurts or insecurities… That thought pattern comes from 6 years ago when at 18 years old I lost my mother to cancer finished high school and went to university thinking that I don’t have premission to griev… i have to be strong… that affects my closest relatinship now. Thats why I want to fingt with doubt and ding security in God!
Only God is abel to repair my broken heart and thats what I’m finding out from this book as well.
My mask is my life without kids. Have I wanted them? No is not entirely the correct answer. It is one used to cover up the fact that the batchelor husband that I adore does not want them. For years we have gone back and forth on that important decision, never on the same page. In truth, I’m not sure that our marriage could survive raising them up so close to the inlaws. We have had severe difficulties with wedges in our marriage due to their opinionated involvement. Guilt trips sent to the baby boy to do whatever is asked. They need him (prematurely) for everything. He is oblivious to most of it as they are Christians and are good covering things up. Because I’ve been seen as a threat to their connection, I’m not too popular there but this is only obvious when he’s not around. I dont want to “push” to do something that could ruin our marriage. I sooooo love my hubby and he sooo loves me and is more than content to have it just be us forever…However, I have always been “a natural” when working with kids. I avoid working with them now. It’s too painful to be asked why we don’t have them or that it “seems like a waste”. Though in my lower 40’s women especially treat me as less of a woman or much younger than I am as though I don’t know anything or have any experience at all. It is assumed that I am selfish for deciding not to have them. There is the battle to want to please others that I have always have and I feel as though I have let everyone down. My pride has been completely squashed as I am the oldest child and all my younger sibs have had children. I’ve completely lost my oldest child bearings. I have become very insecure and lost all my confidence. The wind has been taken from beneath my wings. I feel like there is a huge hole in my heart as I imagine what life would have been like with a child or two. I have not found anyone in the “same boat” and though I know God is with me, I often feel very alone.
I have recently seen a doctor about anxiety and depression. I thought having these things was a sign of weakness, or that my faith was not strong enough so i tried to hide it. I prayed about it and i reached out to a couple of women in my church. They gathered some others to pray over me. Of course when asked what they could pray about i started crying right away, but all i could answer was sometimes i get really sad and i dont know why but i dont like the feeling! I try to remind myself of God’s promises but it feels like there is a wall and they dont sink into my heart.” That was my first step towards healing and a better relationship with God. I realized that i may need help to get back on track, although after being prayed over i have no depressing days i still suffered from anxiety. I am currently on some medication but will stop taking them this summer. I used to feel ashamed that i had to go this route but i no longer do bc I know everything happens for a reason and I know God is taking care of me. He is showing me (and i am learning slowly) that i dont need to please everyone. That those feelings of wanting to be loved and pursued CAN be filled, but for them to be filled entirely i need to grow closer to Him.
I know how you feel. All my life I was treated as if nothing I did was good enough and then my first husband had a long standing affair with one of my friends and is now married to her. My second husband was supposed to be different but about 6 months after we were married he had a relationship with an old friend of his and since then it has been one affair after another. I don’t want my marriage to fail and I’m praying hard for him and that his heart and desire will return to me. I have become totally overwhelmed by his actions, to the point that I too began to have anxiety attacks and had to go on medications in order to be able to work on a daily basis. I was so ashamed, I wouldn’t tell anyone that I was on them. I struggle daily with wanting to be loved and I pray daily that those feelings will be met by God and not a person. I will pray for you as well Brittany.
God’s perfect love is amazing! It’s always there, no judgements, no questions asked, but a much needed relief from pain, suffering and doubt. I can’t put into words how it makes me feel now that I’ve truly opened my ears and my heart to God and his calling for me at this exact stage of my life. I am just so excited and thankful for how everything is falling into place.
The more open you take off the mask and be true to yourself and Him, the easier it becomes and the more you see yourself as beautiful, just the way you are, just the way He created you to be! Thank you Renee for this study.
I’m not fine and I have been giving the I’m Blessed reply for years now. I’m tired. It’s amazing how much I’ve read about marriage thus far so now I can breathe and remove my mask. There’s so much but I’ll try to be brief:
This is my only marriage and it’s been fourteen years. We have three children, and we’re both supposed to be Christians. I stated it that way because I don’t know how Christians can’t seem to work things out! He says he doesn’t want to be married and never did, nor did he want children. I had a child already and with pre-marital sex, pregnancy happened with him. (We weren’t saved then.) Although I wasn’t thrilled about having two children without being married, I had no idea marriage wasn’t what he really wanted. (Thought it was mutual, we’d both been through enough.) I guess I was supposed to read his heart and mind then instead of finding out a few years ago he wanted to do what was morally right. Even then it was stated in such a way that although it wasn’t his original desire, he’d grown to love that which he thought he never wanted. Hence, we moved forward because things were good. Yes things that didn’t make sense to me happened as I’m sure he said the same. Little did I know, certain female relationships were occuring that I had no idea about and when faced with them, I wasn’t happy. That though wasn’t supposed to be a big and lingering issue because according to him because he loved me and was still taking care of home. I just knew there was more so I kept going back to, “What am I missing, why am I not feeling secure, why do these “things” keeping happening?” There was silence and withdrawl too! A lot of off and on. Last year I learned he was trying to deal with this part of himself that he never wanted me to know by suppressing, but now it’s out.
I don’t want my husband to now have a separate checking acct., an apt., but he’s still living with us, an I don’t care attitude sometimes concerning me and the children, wanting me physically others, not supporting financially the same as before, spending/wasting money here, there and wherever else, and not coming home some nights because he really doesn’t want to be here since there’s the possibility of talking, just to name a few things. He says he does love me though because of our years and many good times. (No major fights or anything. Always tried the understanding/communicating approach.)
A part of me wants to say go although I don’t really want him to because I’m afraid he’ll enjoy it, but the other doesn’t feel that’s the will of God. He did leave for a short period of time but asked my permission to come home out of fear of being out of the will of God yet he still feels he’s out because he doesnt want to be married. Now maybe time will bring about a change, according to him.
I’m trying to do right by God, wait on Him, let Him have His way, because I don’t have a point of reference in the Bible for this! I know He doesn’t want me to be used and abused either (a door mat).
Sorry for the long post. I really appreciate the space to breath though! I have to figure out what’s going on with me. Still praying and waiting.
Praying for you! I was where you are a few years ago in your marriage. My husband too told me he never wanted to be married and he felt pressured. At the time we did have a daughter and he has never said he didn’t want children but he did say if he could do it all over he wouldn’t have married me. I was torn, crushed and quite broken. I know how you feel. Please know though that god is in complete control and he can repair what seems to be so broken. My husband and I have worked through our issues and he is not even a Christian so you do have a heads up there. We are happier now than we ever have been and just had our second child. I will pray for peace in your marriage and also peace inside your heart. I know the pain and I know you feel all is lost. Remember that when we lean on Jesus he can heal all broken wounds and make us even better than before. If you haven’t done or thought of this seek guidance from your pastor. I know that may seem embarrassing but he understands and would love nothin more I’m sure than to help you and your husband mend the broken pieces. In Christ!!
Oh how Chapter 2 hit home… When I was growing up it was not OK to show emotion…you hide so much…I am 56 years old and it is hard to break a lifetime of pretending everything is ok when on the inside you know it isn’t. GOD brought me to my knees on Christmas Eve 2011… It was at this point in my life when I realized the decisions I – ME – only ME had made were not working…I thought I was much smarter and stronger than I really am. Although it is still a WORD IN PROGRESS – I am laying my life and everything in it at the cross and trusting in GOD and his divine will. PRAYING daily – and emersing myself in the word…..This is a wonderful study..
I have worn the “I’m fine” mask since I was in middle school. My mother married a man who did drugs, then was diagnosed with brain tumors which led to violence. I moved to my father’s hoping to escape and found that the stress became shame. My father and step-mother drank, my step-mother was verbally abusive and became violent when drunk. I was told many hurtful things and learned that my feelings were unimportant but my actions required apologies if other feelings were hurt (my step-mother’s). I went to school through all of this with a smile on my face and the ever present “I’m fine” mask on. Without understanding fully the problems I still struggle with this study is already in this first week showing me that my self-doubt from my childhood has led me to an adulthood full of doubt, stress and depression. I am so glad I am on this journey now. I am praying and believing that the book study and adjoining bible study in the coming weeks are going to show me the path and help me find my way out of this vicious inner battle.
Lord I pray that you will guide myself and all the other ladies through your truths and help us to remove our masks of lies and be vulnerable to you and the loving friends You have brought into our lives to help us. Thank you Lord for giving Renee the ability and confidence to share with us how to depend on You and KNOW that you are God!
A mask being placed, or saying “I’m fine” always seemed to be the easy way out…the way to avoid conflict, to be accepted in the eyes of those around me. But in reality was I being accepted? And who was accepting me? I was raised to bottled up my feelings, to just accept things as they are, I can’t do anything, can’t change the “way things are”. What I am realizing is it wasn’t the easy way out and what if Jesus took that route? He walked the unbeaten path, He talked to “Sam” when no one else would, He didn’t pretend, He was who He was and didn’t cow down to anyone to be accepted. When He hurt, He said He hurt, when he was happy He said He was happy, He was who He was and what He wants from me is to be who I am in Him. He stood up for me and laid down His life for me (for us), He is the one I have to be accepted by (and already am) and He tells me I can throw away the masks, stop pretending, start living for Him, for us. God, give me the strength to continue on this path and truly start living!
The ever present answer of being “fine” – It’s hard for me not to want to answer “fine” because that is how I wish things were and have thought they should be if I love the Lord and have accepted him as my Savior. But, it seems my idea of what that looks like is different than what the Lord’s idea may be for my life.
There has been a downturn in our family business and I am returning to work in it full time with my husband. We had to let our last employee go this week. It is not an easy decision for me as through our 27 years of marriage we have often struggled as we’ve tried to work together in the business and our marriage. I struggle knowing that I will need to do things with our clients and market a business that I have lost confidence in over the years. My faith in God seems so small right now , our soul income is dependent on this business which I know means on the Lord and so there is little peace in my life. Oh, how I want to have big faith in our one true God!
I am tired of the battle and want to release things to the Lord but don’t know how anymore. I repeat scripture, try to read inspiring books and pray for God’s peace to fill my very being yet still I have trouble catching my breath and seeing this business grow once again. I’ve always wanted to encourage and support my husband in what he loves to do yet it has taken its toll on me and I can’t seem to get out of the pattern of fear, doubt and worry that hover over me.
I ask as the prayer from Chapter One asks of God- “Take me beyond believing in You to truly believing You and your promises, hold me together along the way so that I would not fall apart but become a witness of your mighty presence in our lives.”
So, being a Christian woman, I thought we are all on the understanding that everything will be fine because we trust God entirely. Even through our troubles and our pain, we can praise God for the blessings we have today and the plans He has for us: plans to prosper us, right?
Right now I am struggling with my relationship with my husband/ex-husband (Nate). I feel as though God asked me to reconcile with him (January 2012) and this past January, he still had not said he loves me. So many details but short and (somewhat) sweet, we went to counseling offered at church. In our second session, the counselor thought it was better to see Nate alone. They are going to work on repairing Nate’s relationship with our Lord God and being a Godly parent. So where does that leave me? I asked God what He wants me to do and all I hear is Wait and Trust in me.
I have learned during this time that God is polishing me. I am breaking bad habits that I didn’t even think were bad. I am committing to the actions or inactions God has placed on my heart. I am battling the enemy who seeks to destroy my confidence. I stand by faith knowing that God is good and God is working. And I must remain obedient.
So here I am hurt by our day to day living…still no romance and love from Nate…but God telling me to trust Him and wait…so how do I do this joyfully and full of love when there is a pity party happening in my heart? I KNOW GOD LOVES ME AND THAT SHOULD BE ENOUGH. I know that I should turn to scripture and find peace in His word. I know His plans are better than I can imagine. I know that there are blessings all around me and to praise Him. I know all this and yet my joy tank is low. I know everything is going to be fine but since we are to rejoice in TODAY, but how I do genuinely turn this frown upside down?
Just what you said here, cry it to God, He’s listening, WE just have to fully give Him control, it took me a very long time to realize how much He truly loves me, but when that happens & you GET IT, your life will turn around, keep on with this study, it WILL help you, will be praying for you, I hope there is a friend or relative you can confide in also, that has really helped me too. Hope this helps you in some small way, GOD LOVES YOU LIKE CRAZY, JUST LET HIM IN!!
Amen!
I too am still learning this 🙂
thank you Zoyie
Thank Him, He’s the One that does it all, it’s a day to day process I have found out, but I do REALLY know now that He only wants what’s best for me, & I have to keep firmly believing that and not Satan’s lies, One day at a time Sweet Jesus, now I know what that song really means. I just hope I can remain faithful on a more continual basis. We all need prayer, never will anything ever be perfect, till we get to Heaven, yeah!
i am not fine. I am officially jobless. I am completely depressed. I hate my life. I am single and as far as men are concerned the ugliest thing to walk the face of the earth. My grandmother is very sick and I cannot fix that either. I just want to sleep all day. I cannot figure out what to do next. I know I will owe taxes and I have yet to file them yet and the time is coming up fast to file them. I truly just want to lay down and never wake up.
Kelly,
While it may not feel like it, you already are taking the steps to being ok, we all are. I often am at a point where I just want to lay down a give up but He doesn’t let me and He is not letting you because He brought us here. We can’t fix things but we can learn to live in Him and through Him. My thoughts and prayers are with you and I look forward to sharing this journey with you. Don’t lay down…stand up…and rejoice in what we have been given…we are here with you, even through the web, feel the love coming your way!
Can I be honest here? I’m a little overwhelmed by the number of comments already here. Though I think it is wonderful. ‘Jesus is the only one who can meet our deepest need for acceptance and being delighted in simply for who we are.” Renee Swope. Grace moving from my head to my heart has become my prayer. It is great see such beautiful results already here.
What really made me feel not a part of this chapter was the fact that I do not hide anything, if anything, I tell all to anyone who will listen about my faults, I lay them bare for all to see. “Why do I do this?” Is it so that when they find out, they will not be disappointed, I am unsure. I always pray or talk to God, much more now than I have in the past couple of years. I thank God for all of you women and this study.
Heavenly Father, I pray that you bless me each and every woman who is a part of this study… I pray that your Holy Spirit speak to each of us as needed and help us see what we need to see. Give every us the strength and wisdom, to read each chapter and participate in the on line blogs, as it will make us grow in you… Things will always get in our way, so help us God to be here every week and help us to draw closer to you. Thank you for everything. P.S. God, to all the women in this world I pray that you give them what they need at this moment. In the name Of Jesus Christ, Amen.
This has been a great study thus far. I talk with so many woman that feel that they are a nobody and that they do not matter in the scheme of things. The ministry God has called me to stems from mental, physical, and verbal abuse I encountered from my mother. I travel with two other woman who have been through abuse, different forms of abuse, we talk of the abuse, where it has led each one of us (different places) but have found such peace and freedom from the bondage of abuse through Jesus Christ. It breaks my heart when I hear such stories as I have read here. I am reading this study from a kindle so I can not give a page number but one thing that stood out to me was, “He cares about every detail in our lives. But if we only live on the surface with God, we will never experience the intimacy we long for or the acceptance and security He offers.” He longs for that intimacy with us and He is just waiting for us to realize just that. Know ladies that you are not alone in your pain and suffering, there are so many that have been or are going through much of the same things you are. Know that God loves you with such an unconditional love no matter where you are at, He will meet you there. Cling to His promises for they are true. I have felt much the same way, I never felt that I measured up, I was a nothing to just kick around and abuse. God brought me through and in Him I stand and you can to. Know that you are prayed for, I may not know all of your names but God does. Bless you all and thank you Renee for this study, woman need to know that they are not alone and they can make it through.